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SPEAKING OF THE UWIT.
I don’t believe In killing;
In fact, 1 think it*s rude.
And yot I would be willing
To slaughter any dude
|nd nil such blooming "l<J4?ci?
%VhS life a burden make
By offering their digits
high
With
the
lrnml
skdll*.
With
The BlrW cfWiihr*
gushing,
Who wants to
mnlM a hit
And to the door
cornea rushing
With elevated
mitt
And Jars . your
Very liver--
I’d thrnv her In
tho Julio '
Or toss her In the
river
h
hand
shake.
And there's tho ancient creature,
Kind hearted, you would swear;
Who wants to make a feature ■
Ot shaking In tha air.
For her I'm likewise gunning:
The treatment sho must take !
1 For trying to bo cunning
high *
the hand
With shake.
Wonted o Lead Pipe Cinch.
“Wo would llko to tnko a flashlight
picture of your parlor, Indy. Will you
kindly permit us to do so?" said the
traveling photographer politely.
“Well, that depends. How much do
you glvo for tho privilege?’' Inquired
tho Indy.
“Give?’’ questioned the t. p., a ptifr
Bled expression on his face.
"Certainly. We never permit our
rooms to he taken for leM than a five
dollar deposit ns a guarantee of good
faith and Id per cent royalty on all the
Bales.”
“Great Scott 1” exclaimed tho t p,
after lie had backed out and recovered
tils breath. "I’ll hot her pane li Mor
gan.”
In the jungle.
"Whnt do you think of tho Impudence
of Mlekle Monk?” asked the giraffe,
Who was evidently In a state of mind.
, “My thinker Is not In good working
order,” replied tho elephant. “Tell me
about It.”
- has Just been nppolnted ndver-
KBEP YOUR TROUBLES.
Do not relate your troubles
Because you meet a friend
Who's too pollto or smull to light
Before you reach the end.
Don’t injure his digestion
Conversing through your hat,
But tote your cares off down tho stairs
And tell them to the cat.
The city pays policemen
To hear your tale of woe.
You have n cinch; they never flinch
Or Jeer and turn to go.
Ahd If a cop Is handy
Bing him your little say,
Becuuse I claim It’s just a shame
To treat your friends that way.
Don't think your petty troubles
Would touch a heart of Btone,
Because, forsooth, the average youth ,
''Has troubles of his own.
For when misfortune pitches
At you a mean ln-cur.ve
Your friends may wink and softly
think
You get whnt you deserve
His Proper Place.
“This,’’ said the lecturer for the dime
museum proud
ly, pointing to
a mass of flesh
and muscle that
stood b6foro
him, "Is tho
strongest man
In the world.”
“What is ho
wasting his
time here for?”
asked a know
ing man In tho audience. "Russia \vlll
give him a job as press censor.”
Fable of the GfrI Who Couldn't See It
•■That Way.
An Unmarried Girl with n Sweet
Face and n Wardrobe of Swell Clothes
was drifting along townrd Middle Life
without having been offered n Job as
Chief cook for Some Man in return for
her Board apd What Change she could
Bxtrnct from his OlotlioS Y-hiie he
slept
J «°P>° often wondered Why she Nov-
SodoK for f 1lUne tllnt ln Polite
Society girls make a practice of Wait
ing until they arc Asked and Some
times a Year or two Longer.
True, there Is Leap Year, that comes
around Once in Awhile, but the Ordi
nary Girl seldom avails horsolf of her
Constitutional Right on that Occasion
unless a Man has been Hanging ‘
-Using ngBtu - for ft . bnnunn 8 rove ’ and he for sjx or seven Year- . *
[Offered to rurntsu u, 0 ^ free of ' hls Courage - flying to coax
■ciinivn i<< woll |(i allow him to UiO Rtl | when she V to tho Firing Line,
Everything goes by contraries ln Chi
na, particularly the women'.
While we arc In tho grip of the Ice
king -South America Is In the grip of
the ice man. Which would lose by a
trade?
Especially does the man who sells
goods on the Installment plan love »
lover.
Lives of great men remind us that
they have their fallings when written,
by their private secretaries. _
It depends on whether you are going
to bed or getting up if 2 o'clock u. m. is
early or late.
Kharim is
of the advertising space on them.”
Truth is stranger than Action when
the fishermen hand it out.
Since the laying of tho Pacific cable
tho earth may be said to be wearing an
electric belt, and we will see whether it
la cured of earthquakes and such in
ternal disorders. m
A congressman Is apt to consider hls
constituents as a necessary evil.
,A political economist who uses words
of less than six syllables receives no
consideration.
Were the weather not always on
band as a topic of conversation some
people might as well be deaf and
dumb.
The man with a now sealskin cap
takes the open winter as a personal
affront
Pride goes before a fall, but not to
soften the way,
man who turns hls cuffs' is » gen
tleman in the eyes of the laundry-
man.
I am in the Cotton Warehouse
Business again this season at Cor-
dele, one of the best markets in the
South. I solicit your patronage,
with perfect guarantee of satisfac
tion; I also handle Buggies, Wa~
gons, and Stock in season, and pay
highest cash prices for cotton seed.
T. P. BUSBEE.
A fellow once printed a poem
And cnlled It "The Beautiful Bnow,"
But he left no address, and it’s lucky, I
Buess,
For him that the public don’t know
Tho number and street ot hls quiet retreat
Or the proper directions to go.
When the T/eathor Is way below zero
And drifts'are as high as the trees,
You labor and puff to phpvel the stuff,
Your neighbors Impatient to please;
You wish that the Jiurd weribout In your
yard
At work In the drifts to hls knees.
That man may drown hls troubles “
Is but a foolish whim,
For, though he may drink night and day,
He'll And that they can swim.
Gallant.
"How old do you think I am, Mr.
Johnson?” '
-“I haven’t the slightest Idea, Miss
Jones, but whatever it Is you don’tf
look it.”
Of Course He Sings.
No wonder that the robins '--I
Are cheerful, blithe and gay,
That ln the spring they come and sing
A merry roundelay—
' ■ They have no bills to pay. _£T)
so I
No kreejlj*, “Jliplng landlord
■Cfth raise on them thS'f&Jfe
The forest tree 1b wide and free
for\±hc!r dwelling meant—
It oSesn'ocost a cent. '■* .
And couldwou not he cheerful
If no onewsould say "(3or‘
I on tho d*v
T
Twice Happy. |
He listened to hls wed**
With unaffected , Jin g bells
; You Should*- _ glee;
I Wh»- ,,ave heard hls Joyous yells
i - ... by divorce set tree,
P - What the Light Meant.
1 *<it Is so cheery," said tho sentimental
young man, "to hove a light In tho
window tor you when you return homo
at night.”
“Oh, Is it?" replied the married man.
••Well, that is all you know about It.
That light means that your wife Is sit
ting up waiting for explanations.”'
The Fellow Feeling.
"Yes, I am a vegetarian, and/so Is
the cow. See how healthy It 1st”-
"Perhaps that Is the reason. You
Wouldn’t want to cat one of your kind.”
Two Kinds oi Fuel.
The horseless rapid road machine
That skips o'er plains and hills
You And will burn up gasoline
And twenty dollar bills.
A Good Dfcleiuc.
"I call my wlfo's pin money our de
fense fund."
“Where Is tho connection?”
“It Is hatpin money."
w, *■ in shinies glyca him a So-
.iolt ln 'ibeer Desperation and In
nn Earnest, Endeavor to discover If she
Is nev^r to Get Action on all of the
| Mqj,ey that las been spent for Light
and Fuel during tho Years of hls Court
ship.
Not but what there had been Some
Men This Girl, might have married, but
wiien thoy DreW Close to the Interest'
Ing Point and ikigdti to get ISstirefctes
on Household tioodd She Attempted to
■how Them that liht* know more about
Politics than they Eld, and It was AU
Off
'At this time, when she was Ktsted
by all Astutq Bookmakers as h Long
Shot in the Matrimonial Race a Lone
Widower with four Children and
Mortgage on hls Farm Spotted Her and
began to dream of Happy Days with
Her at the other end of the Table.
Being a Practical Man and not hav
Ing any time to Waste in Courtship, he
Proposed by Mall, spreading jils Soul
over Sixteen Pages of Misspelled Gush.
By return mall a Letter came to bis
Address containing a Brief, Business
like and Emphatic “No.”
Moral.—Occasionally one of them la
tn Old Maid by Choice.
Respected the Law.
“Old Skinflint has money to burn.”
“I haven't heard of hls being arrest
ed for violating the smoke ordinance.”
PERT PARAGRAPHS,
The critic Is much too foxy to write
a book himself.
For the suit that Is checked at the
office the prisoner gets one that
atriped.
However, Washington was noth too
modest and too truthful to say himself
that he never told a He.
A man goes into wedlock With Ms
eyes open, bnt a few .weeks of It may
cause them to open even wider.
It takes two tb play at the game ot
e ra, but three can make tt much more
tercstlny
A lawyer would v Jnk of .charg
ing for trying a ca„-, of champagne*-
Overeating kills more men than over*
C irk, but the Conner la the ploaiantor
ath.
A shallow man should take a, tumble
to himself and dig.
Naturally most ot the trusts are
formed at the seaboard, where tha
supply of water is unlimited.
Don’t kick a man when he’s going
pownblll unless yon ore certain that
tie has no gun.
Steady Job,
If It is true core killed a cat.
Regardless of expenses.
It can draw wages plump and tat
To clear tnc back yard fences.
Found No Company.
' “That last drink I took went to my
head.”
“How lonely It must feel!”
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
Free advice Is generally worth the
and that Is about all.
“I don’t believe In tipping the wait,
er.’’
“I adlnlre your nerve, but I don’t
care to eat whatever scraps they may
have left In the kitchen."
The Opportune Time.
When stock Is going high,
Then, buy;
Before It drops pellmell,
Then sell.
He who can know
How it will go
• Won't have to grind hlrysi* 0 away
At three per day.
**..
Their Bread, '# a * Buttered.
“All of the invent stars have been list-
ed,” complained the young astronomer,
“and tl^re la nothing left for us to dis
cover but the minor ones.”
“It appears to me,” said tho sympa
thetic friend, “that the ancient astron
omers have taken the cream off the
milky way.”
It Is Their Turn. -
Sweet the season, kind the fats,
Prospects bright disclosing;
Gentlemen must sit and' wait;
Ladles 'are proposing. f
Hush, my palpitating heart;
Calm your restless measure;
When the ladles play the part,
. You may get a treasure.
Christmas comes but once a year,
Leap year's even rarer;
In the time of bllsB that's here
You may be a sharer.
‘ What your faint heart couldn’t do.
Not for love or money.
Some sweet girl may venture to
And may be your honey.
Vhay be that nature Is charming ■
Whqn dressed In her garments of whit*
But when from your nose clear down to
your toes
•• Jack Frost feels around for a bite
'it comes to your mind the poet to And
And tell him you’re out for a fight.
For ladles the snow Is alluring
Who have a gallant with a sleigh,
But that kind of talk don't suit those wM
walk,
And most of us travel that way;
Which makes It quite hart the man to
gard
With favor who printed the lay.
Fishing Worth While.
“Why Is It that women do not make
good fishermen 7"
"They do, but they never bother
with small game or care to land any
th'" tb than s ip at.-.”
Sh, Km. : Him.
Thoueh with a husband she war blessed
Who should have bean a pries.
He wan. the lady rather gusassd,
A blessing In dlsgalss
If all flesh la grass, why Isn’t dried
beef hay ?•
All a man has to do who wants thir
teen different diseases Is to cjill ln thir
teen different doctors.
No wise man will wear n celluloid
collar when be starts out to'have a hot
time.
A billposter Is a superstitious man.
He believes ln signs.
To the awkward and the shy
Who seemed doomed forever .
To escape the marriage tie
It Is now or never.
And the man of modest parts—
Saint or woeful sinner
May get ln the game of hearts
And become a winner.
Leap year domes but once ln four;
Would the time were shorter.
Were there of them three years mors
Who would cry for quartor?
Listen! Some one at the gate
Is the latch undoing;
Maybe Mabel, Jane o,* Kate.
Come to practice wooing.
Where She Pulled Up,
"His wife drove him to drink."
“Terrible, Isu’t It?"
“He thought so. She pulled up tbe
horses In front of a soda water foun
tain."
Time Limit Had Expired.
"You told me you did not drink, be
fore we were, married.”
"I didn’t drink—before we were mar'
ried!"
Express Yourself.
If you don't like the slippery way
A single tiny bit,
To show you disapprove you may.
With ease alt down on It
Not Seasonable.
“Miss Jennie Is a cold proposition.”
"Then you would better save her for
(t summer girl.”
—ranged to pay
Tho rent bill that you owe
You turned up shy of dOugh?
Jr-fr-'J
Could Live It Down. j
"I can prove by the records that there
is royal blood In my veins.” |
"wefi, 11 you behave yourself no min
will hold it against you.” S'
/ ■
If nature never made a mistake it
would only gend earthquakes Into hick
ory nut countries at the time the crop
was ripe.
Chickens do not always come home
to roost when a colored man lives a
mile or two down the road.
When a man wants to make • New
Year’s resolution that be can keep he
swears off swearing off.
• The Almighty Plunk,^
i r If might were fight T ' p
And had Its way, .
The strongest arm
' Would then hold sway. j!
But wo are taught, , •
You know, ln school
. ' That ln these times
The dollars rule.
Took Chances,
"If I settle that bill it will be robbing
Peter to pay Paul.”
“That will be nil right so long as
Pete don’t have you arrested."
Alimony Is tbe penalty a man pays
for going agalnBt a proposition that ha
does not understand.
When a girl’s face Is her fortune, it.
sometimes runs largely to Cheek.
One reason for wanting to get to the-
front Is because the company is apt to<
be more desirable there.
Some people In
speaking ot
themselves use
tbe truth very
sparingly,
Tbe man who
marries an angel
sometimes di
vorces himself
from a terma
gant. ~
A Sure Result. f.
"Ir Join, gnd.^bree r i s and Wllile
gave him ffircf. more," a; bed the teaeh-
.-r, "what riild that nato?” .
"The. ?t'i,iuich ache,-" promptly re
sponded-' little Paul, who was being
brought up • to th; ’.den that he was
some day to be n doctor.
Loss a Gain.
When married life Is full of strife
And such left handed fun,
Tls better to have loved and lost
Than to have loved and won.
The Proper Finish.
“I suppose Maud Is satisfied now
that she has had a great wedding."
- “I guess so. You know all Is well
that ends swell"
If a man has the last word It does
him no good, because the woman Is
asleep by that time.
A wise man removes the advertise
ments from hls mail before turning it-
over to hlB wife.
Some people are so good natured that
they are willing to let other people do
all their worrying.
, Some girls are so sensitive that they
can’t bear to refuse a young man, and
prefer to break bis bank account by
People who live in glass houses marrying him to breaking bis heart fcgt
should pull down the blinds.
We cannot take any of our wealth
with uswhen we die except the filling
in.our teeth.
It must provoke our taultobllllci -
a’-ss that the *erth Is so awkward a
shape for fenctnp.
To get the best results why cot nut a
corn doctor at tbe head of the agricul
tural department?
Would you call kissing free trade or
reciprocity?
It Is a lucky man who can smoko the
year round cigars as good as.those-hls
wife gives him at Christmas.
No patent medicine man takes hls
own medicine. He can afford to hire a
loctor.
refusing' him.
Naturally baldheaded, men think that
feotb nil is a foolish game. -
Strenuous health mltar'sts who live-
mi oae n,e... a day vocli, be applying;
to the humpne socle' :t ry mid to.
It might 1k a surprise to some grocer*
to learn that there are sixteen ounces-
to the pound.
it Is all right to lock the doer after
the horse Is stolen, for who would want
to lose the new horse before getting
acquainted with him?
It Is human nature to spend.'76.c^ntsT
worth of time getting a fifty cent pas*
to a theater.
When a grass widow can collect ali
mony, she la ln clover.