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A SINNER UNREPENT.
BY SOPHIE OATES KERB,
•‘My, but your mornin’ glories do look
nice, Miss Phemey! Wish you’d save
uie some seed often that white one.”
it was Mrs. Ridley coming up the
walk.
“I will, Mis’ Ridley. Come in and
set down. There’s a pa’rn ’leaf on the
lounge, an’ mebbe you'll take a glass
of cool water. It’s a scorchin’ morn
ing,” said Miss Phemey.
"I would like a drink, thank you,"
responded Mrs. Ridley. "Seems like
when anybody’s fat as I am, they just
get he't' up like a coal stove. My, that
tastes good. You got a grand well,
Miss Phemey."
The hostess smiled a flattered smile,
but before she could speak Mrs. Ridley
went on: “I brought over three of Mr.
Ridley’s vests. Miss Phemey, to get
you to mend ’em. He’s bu’sted ’em
ever’ one right down the back, f’r all
the world like a seven-year locust, I
tell ’im, an’t seems like I got no time
to fix ’em, w r ith Emma May gittiu’
married next week. We’re just livin’
in a regular whirlwind, an’ sorry as
I’ll be to see Emma May go : —not that
I don’t like Charlie .Foote, but you
know what I mean—l cert’ney shall be
glad when all this fuss is over.”
"I expect it is trying,” sympathized
Miss Phemey. “But Emma May's al
ways been a good daughter, an’ she
deserves a fine weddin'.”
“ ’Tain’t that I don’t want her to
have it,” said Mrs. Ridley, hastily.
“But I’m just dog-tired this mornin’ —
for the land sakes, it’s half-past ten
o’clock a’ready; I got to go. You
bring them vests over when they’re
done, Miss Phemey, an’ I’ll pay you
t”r 'em. I’d send one o' the boys over,
but Emma May wants you to come
perticular an’ see her presents, so ’t’ll
be killin’ two birds with one stone.”
She chuckled comfortably as she
stepped outside the door.
Miss Phemey looked after her de
parting form with resentful stare.
“Yes,” she muttered, “she can get
Miss Maxwell to make Emma May’s
weddin’ clothes, but I’m good enough
to mend up Jim Ridley’s old vests. I’ll
charge her 15 cents apiece, see ’f I
don’t; that'll be 45 cents. Does seem
a good bit to charge f’r mendin’ three
vests."
Miss Phemey went in and shut out
the glare of the summer day. As she
picked up the package of vests her
thin little hands trembled. Tears
sprang to her eyes and she burst out
fiercely: “ ’Tain’t right! I made Emma
May Ridley’s dresss to be christened
in, little teenty baby as she was, an’ I
made her a dress to be confirmed in,
an’ I made her a dress when she
gragwated at the high school, an’ she’d
always said I should make her wed
din’ dress. That flauntin’ city thing’s
got all my trade! I've sewed here all
my life and dealt honest by all, an’ it’s
not fair.” The tears rolled down her
withered cheeks and fell unheeded
upon Mr. Ridley’s second best pepper
and-salt vest. Presently her wrath
flamed anew’.
"Emma May wants you to come per
tickler to see her presents! ’Tain’t no
hint; oh, no? Sally Ridley needn’t
’a’ troubled herself to say that. I got a
present for Emma May. an’ I’m going
to give it to her. I’d like to get even
with them, the whole kit of ’em. Jest
as if I couldn’t ’a’ made Emma May’s
w'eddin’ clo’s. They tell me Miss Max
well uses a chain-stitch machine. I
always did say chainstitch machines
was made for the careless, an’ I don’t
see no reason to change my mind.
Well, ’pon my word, this vest ain’t
on’y bu’sted, but frayed int’ the bar
gain.” Miss Phemey fell briskly to
sewing.
The next day, despite the threaten
ing rumble of a distant storm, Miss
Phemey dressed in her best and started
toward the Ridleys, carrying two pack
ages. She was graciously received by
Emma May, a fat, fair girl of pleas
ant mien and placid disposition.
"I brought home them vests,” ex
plained Miss Phemey; "and here, Em
ma May. is a little present I brought
for you. It’ll be nice f’r your dining
room table, 1 thought.” She held out
a small white pasteboard box, with an
expression of the heaping-coals-of-fire
kind.
"Ma,” called . Emma May, “come
here; Miss Phemey’s brought me a
butter knife; Wisht you’d look. That
cert’ney is beautiful.”
"It’s solid silver,” said the donor,
proudly. "My neice down to New
York got it for me.” She received the
thanks, delivered a trifle embarrass
edly, of mother and daughter, with
polite coolness.
When the bride-elect invited her to
an Inspection of the presents, Miss
Phemey looked them over and
made few comments. She turned the
set of silver spoons, "presented by the
groom’s parents; ’* so that the plate
mark was visible, and she tapped the
globe of a gaudy china lamp with the
remark that they were just $2.35 cents
down to Beedham’s When she had
looked at all, she said, cheerfully:
“Now I want to see yonr clothes,
Emma May.”
Mrs. and Miss Ridley exchanged
glances of annoyance, but the latter
led the way to the spare room, where,
on the bed and chair, lay the creations
of Miss Maxwell, “City Modiste.”
There was the white silk wedding
drees, the tan traveling dress, some
odd waists, a black satin, stiff with
jet, and a “tea gown.” No girl in a
country town marries without these
la-st indispensible garments: they are
the real backbone of the trousseau.
Miss Phemey looked at the display,
felt the quality of the material, and
examined the despised chain-stitching,
without a word. At last she said,
pleasantly conscious of paying old
scores:
"If I might persoom to criticise, I
really do think it s a pity you got your
wedding dress made with a p’inted
overskirt. All the latest fashion books
say they’re not worn at all this sea
son; and box-pleats, too, is kind of
dioppin out. I was readin’ only yes
teiday that ’twas just the cheapest
goods was made up so any more. That
black satin's real pretty, though. Did
you see Lena Sullivan’s black satin?
Hers was a beauty—finest piece of
satin I ever cut into, an’ all made up
with these here pleated ruffles. Why,
Emma May, seems ii you'd be more
afraid to leave all these fine things in
here with the winder open, this room
on the ground floor like it Is. It’s been
a real treat to see such elegant clothes,
an’ I hope your married life’ll be hap
py. The Footes have all got terrible
onreasonable tempers, they say; but
1 hope you 11 be able to manage Char
lie. Good-bye, all.”
Miss Phemey walked home slowly.
Even the thought of the darts she had
planted in Mrs. Ridley’s capacious
breast brought her no real comfort,
when the vision of the snowy wedding
dress rose before her.
"Things ain't edge even yet,” she
mummured. A low growl of thunder
startled her and she hastened into the
house to shut out the cutting flare of
the lightning. When the kettle boiled
she set her lonely table and made tea.
The quick thump of heavy rain-drops
on the roof made her start nervously.
Night had come with the storm, and
after her supper was over, Miss Phem
ey sat in the dark and meditated.
About 10 o’clock the rain ceased, and
she flung the shutters open. The stars
were shining now. The air outside
was cool and damp and fragrant. She
looked over toward the Ridley house,
and as she did so their last light went
out. Miss Phemey strained her eyes
to no avail. All was darkness there.
“I’m a-going to do it.” she said aloud,
determinedly. Rummaging over the
table, she found a pair of scissors. She
took a match from the box beside the
window and unlocked the door. The
moon was creeping up, a flat disk of
pale yellow. Miss Phemey looked down
at herself and saw that she still wore
her best dress. “It’ll be all drabbled,”
she thought; then recklessly, “I don't
care, nohow.”
She brushed against the dripping
flowers beside the garden path, and
held her breath as the gate gave a
whining cr-e-ak. Out on the road,
walking noiselessly, she went. Once
she heard a team coming and crouched
in a corner of the worn fence, behind
a little sweet-gum sprout, till It was
past. She recognized the doctor’s
rig and her heart came up in her
throat and beat there, with great
frightened leaps; but he passed by
safely and she crept on.
At last, after a seemingly unending
journey, she reached the Ridleys’ gate.
The maples threw deep shadows, and,
so sheltered, she reached the house.
Round to the left wing—slowly—slow
ly—and the window was ptill open!
She stopped and looked in. The moon
light lay in patches on the floor, the
dresses spread upon the bed, and there,
within reach, it fell upon the wonder
ful pearl beading of the wedding dress
and made scintillating lights. Miss
Phemey saw all this and slowly—slowly
—her hand went out toward the glis
tening beads. A quick jerk, and the
waist of Emma May Ridley's wedding
dress lay across her knees. She sought
the seam in the middle of the back.
She could feel the dispised chain
stitching and she slipped her fingers
deftly along toward the collar. What
was this? A lose end of thread —a little
pull—r-i-i-i-ip it was done! In a
spasm of fear Miss Phemey hustled the
waist through the window, back into
place, and ran into the concealing
shadow. Out to the gate, down the
road again—she was almost home.
Suddenly she stopped and gave a little
chuckle.
"Them bastin's ’ll hold it together
so nobody 'll s’spect—lucky she left
’em in. But when Emma May puts
it on. big an’ fat as she is, It'll bu’st
square up the back like a frog.” She
couldn’t help laughing at the idea; it
tickled her fancy so. She forgot her
wet feet, her draggled, muddy skirts,
and went to bed with a smile still
pulling at the corners of her mouth.
The next morning the exposure had
done its work. She was hoarse and
feverish, and there was a sharp pain
that stabbed her at every breath.
“Threatened with pneumonia,” the
doctor said, and commanded her not
to stir from her bed, though she could
not have done so had she so wished.
The neighbors were very kind and at
tended her faithfully, and the tenth
day found her sitting up, very weak
and frail, but with life in her eyes and
voice.
Mrs. Emerson, the town gossip, came
in and brought a bundle.
"Jest as soon as you git able, Miss
Phemey, I want you to make me a
dress. It’s one Mr. Emerson got me
over to Bristol, an’ he showed real
good taste for a man, I must say.
Loolc-a-here, ain’t that fern leaf real
pretty?”
“It’s just beautiful,” assented Miss
Phemey, “Seems if you’d have Miss
Maxwell make it up, bein’ she’s from
the city and all.”
She’ll never cut into a piece of
goods f’r me, I c’n tell you,” said Mrs.
Emerson, with emphasis. “Ain’t no
body told you how she made Emma May
Ridley’s weddin’ dress and never
sewed up the back, an’ Emma May,
THE WEEKLY NEWS, CARTERSVILLE, GA,
not suspicionin', put it on an' bu’sted
it clean wide open? O’ course, you
was sick an’ didn’t git to the weddin’;
but I was there, an' the weddin’ party
was nigh an hour late jest on that ac
count. Nothin’ but a bastin' thread
to hold it together; such shif’lessness!
Course, bein' bad luck, Emma May
never tried on the dress after it come
home, like she did the others, an' I
c'n tell you she was hoppin'. People
at the church didn’t know what on
earth was the matter. No 'ndeed.
Miss Maxwell makes no clo’s f’r me.”
After her visitor was gone. Miss
Phemey lay back on her pillows and
looked out of the window a long time.
“ 'Twas an awful mean trick. I
know," she said at last. “ ’Twas right;
but I got this spell o’ sickness to pay
up fer it, an’ that butter-knife was
solid silver and real expensive. I’m
evened up all ’round —an’ somehow —
I jest can’t care.” —Ladies’ World.
HOW CROKER FIGHTS A FIRE.
In the Face m Flames He Can’t Stand
Heins Bothered.
Croker's method of directing the
fight on a Are is typical, says Lindsay
Denison in Everybody’s Magazine.
Bonner taught the fire-chiefs of the
world to take up a position command
ing the best possible view of the Are,
and to hold it; issuing orders to the
deputy commanders aDd receiving re
ports from them without moving from
the spot. Croker's first step on reach
ing a fire is to look over the building
thoroughly; then he selects his posi
tion commanding a view, but he does
not stay in it; he leaves Oswald there
and starts out on a dare-devil chase
through the fire. He goes to every
spot where there are men at work and
to many where there are not. Every
where he drives the men, encourages
them, warns them, and directs them.
From time to time he sends a messen
ger back to Oswald with an order for
a change in the disposition of the at
tacking force, or for a call for re-en
foreements. He may be traced around
the outskirts of the fire by the fever
ish ferocity with which the firemen
work where he has been. His very
presence seems to transform them
into jumping crews of devils, and the
spell does not pass from them until
they have seen him toss aside his hel
met, pull the crumpled brown hat
over his eyes, and stick a black cigar
slantwise in the corner of his mouth.
When the chief does these things, the
fire is out. It may smoke and sput
ter for hours, but it is beaten, there
is no more fight left in it; all that re
mains is the “wetting down.”
Once a man stood in front of Croker
and obstructed his view of a building
which was burning. Croker did not
r" v tr* .aide. Tipjtfipr did lie
push him out of the way; he knocked
him down. Afterwards he denied vio
lently that he had struck anybody; he
couiq not remember any incident of
the sort. But he could remember with
absolute accuracy every order that he
had given to his men, he knew from
what engine every one of the 20 lines
of hose had received water. Another
time he struck a police captain in the
face for asking the question, “Fife al
most put, chief?” There was murder
in his eyes when he struck the blow,
but in the same second he was giving
orders to his aides in as calm and
cold tones as though he were asking
them the time of day. His own expres
sion for the feeling that comes over
him at such times as these is that he
“can’t stand being bothered at fires.”
QUAINT AND CURIOUS.
By applying a prolonged pressure of
18,000 pounds to the square inch a
Montreal professor makes marbles
flow like molasses.
The censorship is a very real thing
in China. There, anyone who writes
an objectionable book is punished with
100 blows of the heavy bamboo and
banished for life.
The Danube flows through countries
in which 52 languages and dialects are
spoken. It is 2000 miles in length, and
bears on its currents four-fifths of the
commerce of Europe.
An eel nearly nine feet long, two
feet and four inches in girth and
weighing 148 pounds was recently
caught on the beach at Snettisham,
near Huntstanton, England.
Red snow is frequently seen in the
Arctic and Alpine regions. Chemical
experiments have led to the conclu
sion that the red color is due to the
presence of vegetable substance.
An immense trade is done in China
in old English horseshoes, which are
considered the best iron in the world
for making small household articles,
such as braeelets, hooks and bolts.
The town of Nylstrom, South Africa,
received its name 30 years ago. Dur
ing a trekking expedition the Boers, it
appears, came upon a river and at once
wrote to their friends saying that they
had just reached the Nie.
Some remarkable relics of the early
civilization in Egypt have recently
been unearthed and deposited in the
British Museum. Among them is a
beautiful impression of a royal seal
which represents the king wrestling
with a hippopotamus and spearing a
crocodile. That must have been tho
kings busy day.
Stirprlued at the Clock.
“"What time is it?” asked his wife,
suspiciously, as he came in.
“About one.”
Just then the clock struck three.
“Gracious! When did the clock
commence to stutter?” he said, with a
feeble attempt at justification and a
joke.—Philadelphia Times.
POWDER.
What Happened to the Man Who Fonnd
It Out.
“It occurred to an alchemist one day
that it would be a fine thing to take
sulphur, saltpeter and dried toads,
pound them all to a powder and ‘sub
lime’ them together in an alembic,
which he carefully luted and set onthe
furnace to heat. He poked up the fire
and waited around, thinking what he
would do with his money if this should
turn out to be the powder of reduction
that would turn base metals into gold,
when, bang! went the alembic and the
windows blew out, and the door ripped
off Its hinges and fell down, blam! The
alchemist scuttled out from under the
ruins of the furnace, shook a red hot
coal or two out of his shoe and the
ashes off himself and wondered what
had struck him. He tried it again and
again, and each time with the same re
sult; and then it dawned upon him
that he had discovered a fair article of
blasting powder. Since then about all
that has been done to his recipe has
been to put in a little better article of
charcoal, sky that of willow twigs, in
stead of toasted toads.
“Little did the old alchemist dream
what potency was in that ‘powder of
reduction.’ For such it is. Although it
never yet has turned lead into gold
by its mere touch, yet when a small,
round piece of lead is put with the
powder into an iron tube of curious
w-orkmanship, and fire laid thereto, it
is possible to convert another man’s
gold into the possession of him that
has the iron tube of curious workman
ship, and not gold only, but all manner
of goods and chattels, houses and
lands, messuages, easements and he
reditaments, even men’s souls and bod
ies. Lay down the book for a moment
and bethink you what his powder par
excellence, this powder of powders,
has brought about since first the dried
toads charred in that alembic. How
has it put down the mighty from their
seat, and exalted them that are of low
degree! How has it been the helper of
men that struggle for their country’s
freedom, believing that they had the
right, God-given and inborn, to gov
ern their own affairs and not to be
ruled from beyond the sea. a glorious
doctrine when the time is 1776, and the
sea the Atlantic, contemptible and re
bellious when the time is 1901, and the
sea the Pacific! This powder asks no
questions as to right or wrong. It pro
pels with equal violence the bullet
against the breast of him that fights
the foreign tyrant and him that resists
the benevolent assimilator.” —Harvey
Sutherland in Aiuslee’s.
Huxley’s Vt Heading,
Huxley, says T ohn Fiske in the At
lantic, seemed to read everything
worth reading, history, politics, meta
physics, poetry, novels, even books of
science; for perhaps it may not be
superfluous to point out to the general
world of readers that no great man of
science owes his scientific knowledge
to books. Huxley’s colossal knowledge
of the animal knigdom was not based
upon the study of Cuvier. Baer, and
other predecessors, but upon direct
personal examination of thousands of
organisms living and extinct. He
cherished ?. wholesome contempt for
mere bookishness in matters of
science, and carried on war to the
knife against the stupid methods of
education in vogue 40 years ago, when
students were expected to learn some
thing of chemistry or palaeontology
by reading about black oxide of man
ganese or th° dentition of anoplother
ium. A rash clergyman once, with
out further equipment in natural his
tory than some desultory reading, at
tacked the Darwinian theory in some
sundry magazine articles in which he
made himself uncommonly merry at
Huxley’s expense. This was intended
to draw the great man’s fire, and as
the batteries remained silent the au
thor proceeded to write to Huxley call
ing his attention to the articles and at
the same time with mock modesty
asking advice as to the further study
of these deep questions. Huxley’s an
swer was brief and to the point:
“Take a cockroach and dissect it!”
The Illifi of Anton,
“The success of gasoline automobiles
in France brought about the revival
of steam automobiles in England and
America, and was immediately emu
lated in the United States by the con
struction of electric automobiles.
“It has been reserved for the 20th
century to witness the simultaneous
development of automobile construction
along ail three lines at so rapid a rate
that it is impossible as yet to tell
which is in the ascendant. Whatever
the outcome, it is plain already that
the contest is to be decided in Ameri
ca, for in this country alone all the
different principles of construction
have found ready acceptance and are
pushed forward to their logical conclu
sion with youthful vigor. With accus
tomed conservatism, English automo
bile constructors cling to steam pro
pulsion; in France and Germany pro
gress is made chiefly in the develop
ment of gasoline machines. To Amer
ica, naturally, fell the leadership in
the construction of electric automo
biles; but that leadership bids fair
to be rivaled by American builders of
gasoline and steam automobiles as
well. Some firms in the United States
turn out all three classes in almost
equal perfection.”—Edward Emerson,
Jr., in Ainslee’s.
Incentive to Industry.
“That young man is one of the most
industrious people in the establish
ment,” remarked the proprietor. “
never see him when he is not working
hard.”
“Yes,” answered the manager. “He
Is always in a hurry to get through so
that he can play golf.”—Washington
Star.
A HYCIENIC DECALOCUE.
Prlie-Winning St of Kule. for Prolong
ing Fife.
The following is taken from the
Lancet of February 11:
“Dr. Decornet, of Ferte sur Aube,
France, is announced as the winner of
a prize offered by the extensive and
well known publishing house of Hach
ette & Cos., for the 10 best maxims for
preserving the health, which were to
be published in the Annual Almanac
issued by the firm. These are the
prize maxims: (1) General hygiene:
Rise early, go to bed early, and in the
meantime keep yourself occupied. (2)
Respiratory hygiene: Water and
bread sustain life, but pure air and
sunlight are indispensable for health.
(3) Gastrointestinal hygiene: Fru
gality and sobriety are the best elixir
vitae for a long life. (4) Epidermal
hygiene: Cleanliness preserves from
rust; the best-kept machines last
longest. (5) Hygiene of sleep: A
sufficiency of rest repairs and
strengthens; too much rest weakens
and makes soft, (6) Hygiene of
clothing: He is well clothed who
keeps his body sufficiently warm, safe
guarding it from all abrupt changes of
temperature, while at the same time
maintaining perfect freedom of mo
tion. (7) Dwelling hygiene: A
house that is clean and cheerful makes
a happy home. (8) Moral hygiene:
The mind reposes and resumes Its
edge by means of relaxation and
amusement, but excess opens the door
to the passions, and these attract
vices. (9) Intellectual hygiene:
Oayety conduces to love of life, and
love of life is the half of health: on
the other hand, sadness and gloom
help on old age. (10) Professional
hygiene: If it is your brain that feeds
you. don’t allow your arms and legs
to become anchylosed. Do you dig for
n livelihood, don’t omit to burnish your
Intellect and elevate your thoughts."
Fove Among Savg>.
Among the Arabs of Upper Egypt
the youth who proposes to a girl must
submit to a whipping at the hands of
all her male relatives; and, says a
dry narrator, “If he wishes to be con
sidered worth having, he must receive
the chastisement, which is sometimes
exceedingly severe, with an expres
sion of enjoyment.”
Not infrequently it is the maiden
herself who imposes the test. The
Sakalava girls of Madagascar make
their lovers stand at a short distance
from a clever spear-thrower and
catch between the arm and side every
weapon flying at them. If the youth
“displays fear or fails to catch the
spear, he is Ignominously rejected;
but if there he no flinching and the
spears are caught, he is at once pro
claimed an accepted lover.”
Worse than this is the trial enforced
upon their suitors by the Dongolowee
girls. When In doubt as to the re
spective merits of two rivals, the
young lady fastens a sharply-pointed
knife to each elbow, then, seating her
self between her lovers, she drives the
blades slowly into their thighs; and
the hero who takes the greatest length
of steel without a murmur wins the
bride.
Major Mitchell, In his “Expeditions
Into the Interior of Eastern Austral
ia,” says of the natives on the River
Darling, that all their ideas of fight
ing are associated with the possession
of gins or wives, and that after a bat
tle the wives “do not always follow
their fugitive husbands from the field,
but frequently go over, as a matter of
course, to the victors.” “None but the
brave deserve the fair” is a maxim
well understood of most barbaric
races.—Chambers’ Journal.
How a Kuminago Hale Benefit*.
In many a closet and every old gar
ret there are numerous articles which
have always seemed too good to de
stroy and yet more or less trouble
some to keep. Besides taking up room
they have to be handled over semi
occasionally, dust gathers over them,
moths are attracted to them and gen
erally It is a relief to get rid of them,
especially if they will do anybody any
good. Too good to sell for old rags
or junk, one feels that it Is preferable
to give them where they will do good
than to accept a rag price for them.
Now the rummage sale disposes of
all such goods and puts them where
their remaining utility can be put to
service. The institution managing the
sale, usually charitable, realizes a
small sum for its work, and the semi
destitute get, the articles long laid
away in some dark storeroom at a
price which is within their means and
which makes the goods a bargain for
them. The poor are supplied without
being pauperized. They pay what they
are able.
Thus pictures, furniture, clothing
and nearly everything laid aside by
one can be used awhile longer by an
other, and through the rummage sale
at least three parties are benefited —
the one who gets his store-room cleared
out. the mission which has the sale
and the people who buy and finally re
ceive the goods and finish out what
utility remains.—C. L. D. Younkin, in
Boston Transcript.
Day of trench Scamst resse*.
The recent strike of dressmakers in
Paris brought to light some interesting
facts in connection with work and
pay of seamstresses in the French
capital. The employe of the average
Parisian firm works from 9 a. m. to
8 p. m., with an hour off for lunch.
She earns four francs 50 centimes per
day when things go well with her.
But there are 61 Sundays and fete
days in the year; 60 more days when
she has holidays and 54 days when,
during the dead season she works
shorter hours and loses a third of her
wages.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY M£N OF THE PRESS
tlh’l Economic Doluxionti— Kmnmnj-A
Nut ural Thought—Mot a Matter rf
Blood—Cupid Utilized A l.lfe-Long
Treasure—Ural, Genuine Toll, Etc,
Buying apples by the barrel is one '\
Way man’s peace is wrecked; —
First he picks and cats the specked ones;
By that time the rest are specked.
-Puck.
Economy.
“Why do you always cut knots?”
“Because time Is more valuable than
string.”
A Natural Thought. t
Briggs—“Gilson tells us he has made
a lot of money in Wall street."
Griggs—“How much has he lost?”'
Not a Matter of Blood.
“Don’t you think a man lias to be
well born to have repose of manner?”
“No; being born lazy will do just us
well.”
Cupid Utilized.
“Would you publish a man’s love
letters to you, Miss Skimmer?”
“Well, I’m thinking this very minute
of getting out a composite volume.”
A Fife-Bong Treasure.
“Clara, that is a hideous vase.”
“Yes, it is; it was one of our bridal
presents—but we never have any luck
at getting ugly things broken when we
move.”
Ileal, Genuine Toll.
“What is manual labor, pa ?”
“Well, sonny, a fair sample of it is
the way your dear mother works to
get you up in the morning uud to get
you to go to bed at ulght.”
Still filiead.
Automobile—"We are vastly superior
to you horses.”
Horse—“Oh, I don’t know; when we
roll over we get up all right—when
you roll over you have to send for a
plumber.”
A Nautical Term.
Mr. Gadabout—"l felt a trifle uneasy
on shipboard during the first voyage
abroad, especially uutil I got my sea
legs.”
Miss Emptyliedde—“O, I sec! After
that you walked ou four feet."
A Daring Classifier.
“I don’t know whether to reprimand
that new man or raise bis salary,”
said the editor, thoughtfully.
“What is he doing?”
“He insists on putting the weather
reports under the beading ‘Freaks and
Fancies.’ ”
Longing For Companionship.
“Why do you insist ou persecuting
that literary man?” iuquired the intim
ate friend.
“Because,” answered the czar. “I get.
lonely once in a while aud want to feel
that there is somebody else just as
scared and uncomfortable as ! am.”
Her Comment.
“Fame,” said the youth with the
earnest intellectual expression, “is so
hard to attain! It is so difficult for
one to get himself talked about!”
“Humph!” rejoined the woman with
cold blue eyes and a firm jaw. “You
just ought to live in our neighbor
hood.”
i
Oitraclied.
Ascum—“lt seems strange limt you
and Popleigh should be such good
friends, and yet neither his wife nor
any of her relatives ever have a good
word for you.”
Teller—“No, they simply hate me.
You see Popleigh insisted on naming
his first boru after me.”
A Compliment.
“I understand that one of your an
cestors was a horse thief,” said Bill
ings to Ricketts.
“He was. Glad you mentioned it. I
regard that as a compliment.”
“How’s that?”
“It is an acknowledgement that I
have improved on my ancestors.”
Brought Down to the Present.
“The pen is mightier than the
sword,” quoted the man who clings to
proverbs.
“My dear sir,” rejoined the modern
ist, “it is no longer a question of pens
and swords. The debate now is as to
whether the typesetting machine i
mightier than the maxim gun."
Her Preference.
“Was I misinformed,” said the young
man with the sharp voice, “or did you
say that my singing left nothing to
be desired?”
“I probably said it,’’ answered Miss
Cayenne. “There are occasions, you
know, when an absolute inertia is a
luxury. I may say that your singing
left nothing very much to be desired.”
Still at it.
“Oh, stop! stop!” cried Willie's papa.
“Haven’t I told you not to ask foolish
questions? Everything I say to you
goes in one ear and out the other.”
“Pa,” said Willie, several minutes*
later, “if you was to plug up the other
ear what you say to me would have
to turn around and come out where in
went in. wouldn’t it!”—Philadelphia
Press.
Hallying Rapidly.
Surgeon (after operation)—‘T am
glad to be able to assure you. Mrs.
Tyte-Phist, that the danger is now
over and your husband will recover.
We have successfully removed the ap
pendix veriniformis, and it is of such
a unique formation that I shall pre
serve it for use in my medical lec
tures.”
Mr. Tyte-Fliist (opening his eyes)—*
“You’ll allow me something tor it,
I suppose, doctor?”—Chicago Tribune*