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VOLUME II
ALPIiNE tragedy.
the STORY OF J. R. DORSEY’S
ILLICIT LOVE.
An old Man of Seventy Deserts His
Wife for Jane Ward—He Murders
His Daughter and a Stranger—
The Inside History of the
Shocking Crime.
From the Home Courier.
Editor Rome Courier:— Being a citi
zen of the community in which J. R.
Dorsey and his paramour resided, I feel
it my duty to relate the true particulars
of the fearful murder he [or they] com
mitted, On the sth day of October, J.
K. Dorsey and Jane Wade went to Sum
merville, a distance of ten miles, and
left Mrs. Dorsey, who is an afflicted old
lady, almost helpless, entirely alone.
Mr. E. C. Davis, who married Dorsey’s
niece, living near by, was ready to go to
church, he and his family, which consist
ed of wife and son—when on looking out
saw that Mrs. Dorsey was coming. Mr.
Davis told his wife and son to go on to
church, that he would take care of the
old lady himself, as he and his wife had
been caring for her and ministering to
her needs for seven years, and more es
pecially this year, as they were living so
near. Prompted by duty, they did her
many acts of kindness, because she lmd
no one to take tare of her. At one time
pulling her into the house from an ap
proaching storm, when all had deserted
her at nightfall. Mrs Dorsey remained
at Mr. Davis's until the evening of the
6tli, and she returned home. J. R. Dor
sey and Jane Wade returned from Sum
merville that same evening, and went
over to Mr. Davis’s about an hour and a
half by sun, and stayed until very near
sundown, cursing and swearing and
using language too obscene to put before
the eyes of the public. Mr. Davis being
in the bottom at woik, over a quarter of
a mile from home, could plainly hear and
comprehend the meaning of the noise,
and knowing what was the matter, came
home very quickly and found the doors
and windows all closed except the back
door, and old Dorsey and Jane at the
front door, calling for the ax and swear
ing that they would break in and kill
both Mr. and Mrs. Davis. Mrs. Davis
saw them coming and forbade them com
ing in at the gate, but they heeded not.
Mrs. Davis told Jane and Dorsey to go
on home and eat supper and go to bed,
and when they got sober they would be
ashamed **>f their conduct. Jane told
her she had plenty of whiskey at home,
and plenty of money to buy more, and
every man in Summerville was a friend
to her; that Mack White told
her he would take lier and give
her a good home. * Old Dorsey told Jane
to say wliat she pleased, he would sus
tain and protect her as long as he lived.
Jane says, “yes you have sustained me.”
Old Jane told Mr. Davis and his wife
that they would lie low that night, for
they were coming back, and if they
didn’t they would waylay him on the
way to his cotton patch in Shiubone and
come back and kill his wife. They went
off mad and cursing. After they went
home Mr. C. C. Jones, a stranger, called
at Mr. Davis’ to stay all night. Mr.
Davis beiug absent, Mrs. Davis told him
he couldn’t be accommodated unless her
husband was there; but Mr. Davis soon
came and told him he could stay. They
were all sitting down in the house, Mr.
Davis sit ing near the tire place, Mr.
Jones sitting in the front door, Mis. Da
vis sitting opposite Jones on a zinc
trunk. Mrs. Davis had already prepar
ed supper, and said she must go and
arrange it on the table, when the gun
fired, killing her instantly. She ran and
fell out of the door and breathed three
times. Jones rushed and fell on the
floor near where Mrs. Davis had been
sitting; he lived until the next night
about eleven o’clock and expired. Jones
had twenty-one shot in his person and
eleven in the chair he was sitting in.
M rs. Davis had eleven shot in her per
son and nine in the trunk she was sitting
on, beside the scattering shot that struck
the wall—l suppose not less than fifty
shot of all sizes, from a buokshot down
to a bird shot.
Old Dorsey had been keeping Jane
for about nine years on his place, for
saking his wife for her, and this year he
had taken her in his own dwelling, keep
ing a room separate to themselves. They
were both mad because Mr. and Mrs.
Davis were kind to Mrs. Dorsey; they
wanted her cut of the way. Dorsey was
so bad that his grand-cliildren had to
leave home; his house was rocked and
shot into this last summer by people
that were not in favor of the way he was
living, while his wife was staying on the
mountain. He was destitute of friends,
they had all forsaken him. Old Jane
shot ut a man by the name of Farrar in
76; in 78 she shot at a man by the name
of Powell. I haven’t time to write all
their conduct —it would take me months,
perhaps years, to write their general his
tory. It is a sad mistake that Dorsey
has left a wife to mourn; he has left a
wife to rejoice. Mr. Davis has been to
see the old lady every day since the
murder. He says he expects to be kind
to her as long as he lives. lust ead of a
wife to mourn bis loss, Dorsey leaves a
wife to rejoice, and to serve Grod instead
of Dorsey and the devil.
HAS sill; AHY “TIX I”
Y e are permiiU*l fp make the following,
extract from an original* recTtattbn ren
dered by Miss Maggie Anderson at a
recent meeting of the Adairaville literary
club:
Away with accomplishments, charms all
away,
Tell me not of proud beauty’s resistless
array,
It is nonsense, witchcraft—a bundle of
trash, .
Tilings heeded alone by the foolish and
rash,
But give me the rich lady, with purses for
pharuis,
Who wins by her dollars, plantation and
farm?.'
Not beauty or grace—naught’s wanted
but dimes,
They alone can console us in these hard
times.
Your slender built beauties, your delicate
flowers;
I he sunshine can stand, but not adversities
showers,
Like the glittering ray-fish they are beau
tiful things, _
But you’d better not touch, and beware of
their stings.
Your extras, opera music and fashionable
singing,
A sheep can surpass when his neck bell is
ringing;
This daubing with paint and working
with floss,
This rick-rack, and braiding and patch
work of moss,
All heaped in a pile makes a beautiful
mess,
For a young lady’s fortune, I truly con
fess !
And there’s one other humbug, not the
least of the train,
That vapor which springs from the novel
ist’s brain,
That bubble called love, which its origin
claims,
Alone in the fancy of novel spoiled
dames,
Ah! pitiful creatures, how can they es
teem
So highly the visions of "which they but
dream ?
But let them alone they are sure to re
pent,
Ere in life’s stern path they have many
years spent—
When Poverty enters the threshold she
makes it
A point to give Love thro’ the window his
exit,
And your lovely young wife, tlio’ the town
may extol her,
Can never compare with the charm of the
dollar; ~
For this is alone which can long be en
joyed,
Not a dream —something real—and can’t
be destroyed;
And most of us commit this commonest
sin, ’ . ”
Of serving that favorite Divinity “Tin
This sticks out so plainly, when eager to
hear,
George anxiously asks her income a
year !
And with head half inclined the answer
to draw in,
“Just between you and me John, has she
got any tin V”
Of course your motives can be plainly
discerned,
When about an old Col. you’r greatly con
cerned
Inquiring of the weather, the prospect of
rain,
How comes on the cotton, the corn, crop
and grain ?
And after the records and dijests are pri
vately discussed,
You conclude the old Col’s, daughter to
trust;
Miss “what-you-may-call-her’a” face is
rough as a fence,
And she is destitute quite of all common
sense,
Her nose forms a mountain prodigiously
high,
Protruding the upper lip—contracting the
eye,
Whilst the chin, quite afraid of the horri
ble mouth,
Takes a pointed direction away to the
south ;
In short you may say she’s as ugly a3
sin,
But that’s a mere nothing she’s got plenty
of Tin,
She’s not to be scorned or deemed an
enormity,
Her money will cloak every trifling de
formity.
Though the dark cloud of ugliness over
her hovers,
She’s greeted by flocks of admirers and
lovers ;
But just let a poor girl, whose dress is not
a fashionable fit,
Some very trivial, common error com
mit,
Then horrid, oh! horrid rediculous balk !
The dudes and the dudines will snigger
and talk—
Forgetting their mothers wove all their
own clothes,
While they at the shuttle now turn up
their nose,
Very strange that they can’t remember
these things,
But act as if descended from nobles and
kings;
Now pray don’t forget, w'hen Miss Polly
you scorn,
The double log cabin in w hich you were
horn.
| But the young dudelet charmed like a
bird by a snake,
CARTERS VILLE, GEORGIA, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 1884.
I Commits quite a common but fatal mis
take,
t feDefciag dtfttruciioa to *ka4*i*e
rise,
!He worships and wins a millionaire
prize,
| When safely ensnared and no chance to
V P*P <KMK MlHlfli
* i>e jj U U H H r
To Ms firths h## m MWia’s
scrape.
| Who prayed that his touch might change
all things to gold,
l But famished with hunger* apd shivering
OVithtJtfllj l fll AjJIJ XIII | |
He soon begged of Bacchus a different
treat,
change Iqs gold back blpikets a^d^
K meat
No gentle comp&Alftn with sweetloofmflg
art,
To light with her smiles and bid darkness
depart.
No loved one is there to cook him good
dinners,
And hoe in the garden while he’s fishing
for minners;
Ah ! No, but instead he’s married a pet,
YV ho can murmer and grumble and quar
rel and fret,
One whose ill temper no kindness ap
peases,
Who’ll have her own way and do just as
she pleases.
She wasn’t married to be a contemptible
slave,
And won’t be one the whole Union to
save;
It was never a part of the Tife she had
lea
To hammer a beef-steak or make up a
bed,
But instead she’d been used to the parlor
and dance,
Perusing new novels—absorbed in ro
mance.
Foor fellow ! I guess ere in sorrow he
dies,
He’ll wish he’d not married the millionaire
prize.
And this is a practice I can’t understand,
Why the heiress alone is in such de
mand,
So this question to the ladies I’d like to
propose,
And I hope they’ll be able the trick to
disclose.
What’s the use of chalking and painting
your faces,
This, dressing in satins and ribbons and
laces',
This curling and frizzing and banging
3 r our hair,
This bleeching and rubbing to -make you
look fair,
This drawing and squeezing and pressing
your feet,
This enduring of death as you walk o’er
the street.
No matter how pretty—no heart you will
win,
If you are minus that fault covering item
—the “Tin,”
But if you’ve got it—no need to suffer the
pain,
For praises and beaux you will certainly
gain.
Think no more of the mind for the fashion
will mock it,
But centre your energies all on the
pocket.
Think no more of fine eyes—pretty mouth
—dimpled chin,
For like a cork, you can float in a life boat
of “Tin;”
But remember, these fish that bite at the’
dimes,
Are caught and caught badly sometimes.
She Had Confidence.
Mrs. H. C. Harshbarger, Manor Hill,
Huntingdon Countv, Pa., writes- “I}r. S.
B. Hartman .& Cos., Columbus, O.: I
have been afflicted for three years, caused
by over-work too soon after confinement.
My kidneys became seriously affected;
could not retain mv urine day nor night.
It was high colored, thick and bloody,.
My monthlies had left altogether for four
teen months, during which time I was
confined to my bed with a beating in right
ovaries. The discharge from the womb
was so offensive no one could stay in the
room. The urine continued bloody, with
pain in voiding it. and when in bed would
pass from me in my sleep. I have had
three doctors attending me regularly, one
for four months, one of the others one
whole summer, and the third all winter.
We had two others ir consultation with
them, and used twent - bottles of differ
ent kinds of patent medicines, all to no
good. 1 then got a bottle of Peritna,
and before I had three-fourths of the bot
tle taken I quit wetting the bed and could
retain the urine sufficient to attend church,
which I had not done for three years,
and my monthlies came back as n itu r al
as ever; indeed, I considered mvsclf a
well woman again. Since that time I have
had pneumonia. My confi lence in Ps
jutna was so great that I did not send for
a doctor. I followed the directions in
your “Ills of T iie” a id am over it, as welt
as can be e\'p ’ 't 'd of one so delicate ns I
h ive been. O.iicrs in mv neighborhood
ha 1 the same disease, and among the n
were strong men, and had the best physi
cians, and yet died, while I sailed through
in safety on Peritna and Manamn. f
sincerely believe, and would say toa’l the
afflicted in the wide world, that Perpn a
and M ANA UN are the only two medicines
that any one needs in any disease, if used
as directed in your book entitled “The Ills
of Life.”
[. E. Fleming, publisher of the New
Dominion, Morgantown, W.Va. writes:
“ Some months since, I received some of
your medicine in exchange for advertis
ing. My wife has taken five bottles of it K
and has derived great benefit from it.”
Me. M C. Pershing, Bradenville, Pa.,
write! 4 : “My wife has been using Pkuu
NA for some time for weak lungs and liv
er and kidney complaint, and thinks it is
doing her great good. Has used only one
botlle as j-et. Please send your book on
the ‘ Ills of Life,’ as we can’t get any from
our druggist.”
Mr. John Dennv, Mt. Vernon, G*
writes: “We have a large sale in Pk
run a. It gives satisfaction.'*
AX Anris IDYL.
And now the dudelet tries,
"With all his might and main,
From Solomon Levi’s three-ball store
His wardrobe to reclaim.
I he ice-man counts up his trains,
Aad .-mi Vs :V | ’ r Ur
rabdoMn iflXbXßfc Nalfcy^Peart#
He thrusts a good-sized roll.
The festive kid now kicks himself
And wears a hump-backed frown,
To think he blew his nickel in g m
When a cirtas oatne to town. $ w
The workingman scrapes ’round to find
The necessary stuff
To till his bin with anthracite
P&nd give the cold the blutf.
The house-wife hooks her claws and crawls
Upon the old man’s back,
And asks him, with a rolling pin,
T buy a sealskin sacque.
The maid sits out upon the lawn
For Ambrose to enfold.
And catches, from the dampened ground*
An everlasting cold.
The orange peel upon the walk
Weareth a saddened. look;
For in a few short weeks it knows
That ice its place will took.
The grass and leaves grow , brown - aqd
si-re. 1 ' J J * .
Everything seems new,
Except the paragrapliers pun
Upon the oyster stew.
oru VICTORY*
DEMOCRAIC STATES.
STATES. PLURALITY. ELECTORS,
A1abama........... 30,000 IQ
Arkansas 28,000 I
Connecticut 1.200 J • j
'Delaware.3,ooo’ :
Florida 5,104 4
Georgia 45.000 1!$
Indiana 5,500 1$
Kentucky 45,000 13
Louisiana 20,000 8
Mary land 16,000 8
Mississippi V. 20,000 9
Missouri 20,000 16
New Jesev* .. 4,112 9
New York .-788 36
North Carolina 9,000 11
South Carolina. 43,000 9
Tennessee/... .. i A.20,000 12
Texas .98,500 13
Virginia .14,000 12
West Virginia 4,000 6
Total. 219
REPUBLICAN STATES.
t Cl**' mrt I
STATES PLURALITY* ELECTORS.
California 500 8
Colorado 8,500 3
Illinois 5,000 22
lowa 43,000 13
Kansas 47,000 9
Maine ..20,000 6
Massachusetts 10,000 14
Michigan..;.':’...?'. 4,000 13
Minnesota 32,000 7
Nebraska 20,000 5
Nevada 1,000 3
New Hamshive 4,000 4
Ohio 11,000 23
Oregon 1,500 3
Pennsylvania 28,000 30
Rhode Island 7,000 4
Vermont 20,000 4
Wisconsin 9,000 11
Total./'. \ £.JV...>..188
RECAPITULATION.
Democratic!®* '""."'IT :N.A ;.':'•??* .219
Republican \ 182
Cleveland’s majority 37
HK AS TUB TELEPHONE.
Something stayed his feet: there \va9 a
fire in the grate within—for the night was
qffiill—and it lit up the little parlor and
brought out in startling effects the pictures
on the wan. But these were as nothing to
the pictures on the hearth. There, by the
soft glow of the fire-light, knelt his little
child at her mother’s feet, its small hands
clasped in prayer, its fair head bowed, and
its rosy lips uttered each word with child
ish distinctness. The father listened,
spell-bound to the spot :
“Xuw I lay tae down to sleep,
1 pray tbe Lord my roal to keep ;
If 1 should die before I wake,
1 pray the Lord my 60ttl to take.”
Sweet Innocence! The man himself
who stood there, with bearded lips shut
tightly together, had said that prayer once
at his mother’s knee. Where was that
mother now 7 ''P The sunset gates had long
ago unbarred to let her pass through. But
the child had not finished; he heard her
“God bless mamma,-papa, and my own
self”—.and then there a pause, and
she lifted her troubled blue eyes to her
mother’s face, “God bless papa,” lisped
the little one. “And—please send him
home sober.” He eouid not hear the
mother as she said this, but the child fol
lowed in a clear, inspired .tone: “God
bless papa—and please-ysend him —home
sober. Amen.” Mother and child sprung
to their feet in alarm when the door open
ed so suddenly, but* they were not afraid
when they saw who it was, returned so
soon; but that night, when little Mamie
w T as being tucked in bed-, after such a
romp with papa, she said, in the sleepiest
and most contented of voices: “Mamma,
God answers most as quick as the tele
phone, doesn’t He?”
Nothing goes so fast as time, sq they
say, and yet there a pleigty of men who
find no trouble in passing it.
PArL HAYXE OX BUI Mi.
A private letter from Paul H. Hayne,
| the poet, to a friend in Atlanta, contains
; the following keen verses, which were
written by him the day after the election,
when the belief, based upon the inaccurate
associated press reports, was general that
Blaine was elected. The prayer embodied
in the second stanza has been answered
after a fhshion equally glorious and unan
| tieipated:
Oh WW a moustnms deed this day is done!
Defying; reason, past all sane belief!
Thu sacred seat ol glorious Washington
Free to this mouthing cheat, this arrogant
thief!
God ! ’ere he lakes It, while wi b conquering
puce
He nears the dias, let thy thunders 101 l 1
Smite Fraude incarnate, blast his Judas face;
Defend the land, and purge the capitoi !
SHAVED BY A SlttlX.
BT BILL NYE.
In Utah last fall I dropped into a barber
shop to get my alabaster neck skinned,
and my crushed-strawberry blonde hair
soaked in machine oil. You can most al
ways tell by the looks of a shop, w r hether
you will come out of it sweet and kissable
as a Peri, or like a man who has been
hauled, heels first, through an axle-grease
foundry.
The man who edited this shop was a
reformed Sioux. He had found the war
path oveigrown with graham! so lie
opened a shop where hpcould have a pale
face by the nose every day. If I could
have retreated ’honorably I would have
done, so, but he had a razor in his hand as
I entered, and so I remained.
I wanted to smoke the pipe of peace
with him before he began on me, but there
was no pipe. He took a “snipe” from his
mouth and offered to let me take “a few
draws” out of it, to show that we were on
a peace footing, but his mouth was such
a wreck of its former grandeur, and the
cigar stump looked so dejected and shat
tered, that I said we would take our
chances on an outbreak.
There are a good many barbers Mho
have cold, damp hands, and their caresses
are like the gentle touch, of a departed
friend, but this was the first one I had
ever met whose thumb smelled like the
wigwam, and who felt for the ornamental
knob on my windpipe, even as old Col
orow used to feel for the larnyx of the
North Park prospector.
He touched his razor to hia thumb-nail,
made a M ild gesture with his right arm,
hung his tongue out of his head, like a
red matress in a second-story window,
and began to cut the goose pimples off
my neck by the handful. He put them in
a piece, of newspaper, for future reference
I presume. Perhaps he Mas making a
collection of the goose pimples of great
men. He could run his tongue out at
them and scare them most to death, and
then he could select his goose pimples and
save them. I see very readily hoM T the
thing could be done.
As he moved the razor over my face, he
moved his tongue in the same manner. If
he made a short scrape with the razor, lie
M'ould give his tongue a little jerk, and if
he made a long SM’eep 'with the weapon,
his long, red tongue w’ould move across
his chin like a prairie fire.
I asked him if he had ever tried to shave
anybody M 7 ithout making this gesture.
He said he had, but the man he
M 7 as shaving bled so on the chair that
it had to be buried. So did the man.
Then I told him not to mind what I said,
but to throM- in any little jesture that
M’ouldn’t be fatal.
He had another gesture that he used
while he was digging his talons into my
scalp. He grated his teeth in time to the
movements of his hands, and smiled like
a dam site. I thought of calling out the
regular army, but gave it up. The regular
army had never done me any harm, why
should I get the regular army into trouble?
I have been under the hands of a good
many barbers in my time, and M r it,h more
or less success ; have had one shave half
my face, excuse himself, step out the next
door and get beastly drunk; have also had
a barber, wdio was elerk of the board of
supervisors, shave me partially and then
leave me to attend a meeting of the board;
but this Mas the only instance where I
ever allowed a red-handed warrior to
monkey with my jugular vein and caro
tid artery, while he yearned for my warm
young blood till his tongue hung out of
his head and cracked open in the crisp
mountain air.
I still get shaved occasionally, but I
get a man to do it generally, M’ho is at
peace with the United States.
Beheading the corpse of the French
soldiers is about the only way the Chi
nese are able to head off the French. It
is to be hoped in the interests of civiliza
tion that the French will not take their
cue from the Chinese.
The French get most of their false hair
from China. Just now the French women
are cut off from their hair. If the Chinese
arc not able to get the best of the French
soldier, they can at least snatch the French
women bald-headed.
Nom* that the campaign is over the pa
pers have given up political lying and
have settled down to promiscous mendaci
ty. A San Francisco paper remarks that
a Chinaman has succeeded in teaching a
bug to play, Beethoven’s immortal sym
phonies on a flute. Asa starter that is a
very good one.
There are in New 7 York three survivors
of the gallant six hundred who charged
at Balaklava. The Balaklava charge was
nothing compared with some of the
charges made during the last presidential
campaigh.
EVILS OF ELECTIOW.
Is all 1 Ills Fxrltrmeat Over U Preside aflal
Election fur the Good of Oar Coaßlry 1
I am no writer, no statesman, no intelli
gent man whatever, don’t expect to sow
any wheat nor run for coroner. I am
nothing but a poor, weak simple-minded
woman, and you can readily tell from the
work of my pen that my nerve is equally
as weak, but will some one please answer
my queestion ? lam now going to speak
from experience. Many a father went to
town w ith a few dollars in his pockets,
when he might have spent it to a good
purpose had it not been for all this big
excitement, and his beiug weak minded
and of a disip&ted disposition. What was
the consequence ? Why the bar-keepers
and railroad agents got their money, and
their little children at home picking cot
ton bare footed, with not one bite of meat
in their house. After a day or twos ab
sence he comes home, his nose looks like
a turkey goblers Snout, his eyes lined with
red flannel, his ears crisped by the frozen
dew’s of midnight while parading the
streets rejoicing over his own little wit,
and the non-respect of his family. I say
let a man vote for who he pleases and
stay at home and spend his money lor a
good purpose, and then we will have peace
in the land and smiles at home. Some
are prophesying for another war. In my
estimation these cut ups are only step
stoues to that effect, they only aggravate
and kindles a flame in the breast of the
othqr party. But I believe in my soul I
hear tl>e old man coming, if he comes in
and sees what I am writing about he
might get somewhat affended, not that he
ever indulges in such habits either but he
might lead me out to where Bam Brown’s
wife led him, and then we might have a
little collision. I don’t care though, I will
write on anyhow, if he crawls up on my
hump and falls off and gets hurt it is his
own lookout. Mother.
IHE MORMON REPORTER.
BY BILL Is YE.
We had to call in a printer to act as a
reporter one day, I remember. The
regular reporter had started out to write
up some “Bock beer” emporiums, and
when lie got through he seemed to be so
full of his subject that he had to put
himself in the hands of his friends.
This printer was a stranger, but said
he had held a case on a Mormon paper
over in Zion and had also done some re
portorial work there.
I send him around to complete the
toUr of the regular reporter whose career
had been so sadly cut short. Along in
the afternoon I had to go to Denver, and
when I got back, I was struck with the
bright originality display ed on the local
page of the paper. This was a sample
of his religious intelligence:
“The Baptists here, we learn, have
been fortunate enough to secure the ser
vices of the Rev. John R. Lemon, for
merly of Deer Lodge. After fooling
with the water for so many years, the
Baptist wing of Zion ought to duly ap
preciate this pious Lemon aid.”
He really showed signs of talent as a
dismal humorist. He seemed to take a
kind of diabolical delight in writing up
religious matters, too. Two secular
stabbing affrays in the Chinese quarter
were ignored to give place to such
church news as this:
“The Methodists will hold a kind of
festival and ‘hooraw’ at their rink on
Second street, next Friday evening fcr
he benefit of the sun-burnt heathen of
benighted Africa. It will be a grand
pop-corn scuffle and molasses-candy tour
nament to wdiich all are invited. The
funds will be used for the purchase of
chest-protectors to be sent to the heath
en of Senegambia, who were not born in
the gospel of light and liberty. The ob
ject is certainly a laudable one, and
whether the committee sends the money
to Africa or ‘knocks it down,’ as hereto
fore, those who attend the mush-and
milk debauch will no doubt Lave a ‘way
up time.
“The pastor of the Presbyterian
church on North A street is a little ner
vous about liis salary, we learn, and has
intimated to his charge that he will have
to call for additional pay or preach in a
linen duster next M’inter. He says some
fault was found last Sabbath with his ser
mon on faith, and how a little faith like
a mustard plaster will finally ‘leaven the
M’liole lump;’ but he claims that he did
as well as lie could. He says he never
could preach a very good sermon on an
empty stomach, anylioM’. He told a re
porter yesterday that all he had received
since Christmas was a ball of pale butter
and a kind word. He asked us if we
knew where lie could trade some kind
words and good M’ishes and godspeeds,
all in good repair, for a chunk of liv* r or
something that M’as good to eat. Per
haps it is not the business of a secular
paper to offer advice to a church; but it
does not seem to us as thought the Pres
byteriaus here had better brace up or
make an assignment. No preacher can
pound the Bible for fifty-tM’o Sundays in
the year and live solely on our beautiful
mountain scenery.”
I called up the young man the next
day and paid him off. He was a Mor
mon, I learned afterward. He had been
in the tithing office at one time and had
done so well out of it that he had to flee
from the Valley of the Jordon under the
cover of night and a nom plume.
He still retained his strong religious pre
judices, however, and always spoke
harshly of the Gentiles. By hard M’ork
we got back the most of our subscribers
in two years, but be certainly injured the
paper.
NUMBER 29.
CHAFF.
The shades of night were falling fast.
When through an eastern city passed
A frenzied knight, with plumes all torn,
And as he ran thus did he mourn :
“They’ve knocked me out!”
There in the twilight, cold and gray,
Hopeless and very mad he lay,
While from a spot not very far
A voice fell like a falling star :
, “Jim, burn them letters.”
’Tis now the hunter with his gun
Over the w'oodland rambles,
And beards the rabbit in his den
Among the brakes and brambles.
Thfr crisp invigorating air
Fills him M ith vague delight,
And sharpens each and every sense,
Particularly sight.
Aha! at last the game is roused—
Bouncing big rabbit, very fat!
Bang, bang! ’Tis his! Is it? Why no—
’Tis the neighboring farmer’s cat!
A nod corner—the family pew.
The popular dentist is in everybody’s
mouth.
An amateur’s performance on a fiddle is
violin deed.
Rhinelander was not insane but he was
a mighty poor shot.
Ben Butler is very properly the leader
of the People’s part-eye.
It is not the honest card player Mho al
ways M-ins by a good deal.
A great deal of the time of the young
men of the present day, goes to M T aist.
Mary Anderson is said by an English
critic to lack repose. Mary ought to take
a rest.
Girls, only one month more of leap
year. Shall the Medding bells ring at
Christmas ?
A good fisherman ought to make a
successful politician, because he is skill
ful at debate.
Now the election is over many of the
recent campaigners w T ant to join a police
man’s club.
It is not meet for M’ell-bred girls to
marry coachmen. Sometimes it is hardly
crackers and cheese.
It is a very old-fashioned bonnet that
cannot be Mrapped up in the bank notes
that M’ill pay for it.
Soda M r ater fountains are usually found
in drug stores. We presume soda water
is counted as fizz ic.
Nom’, if the candidates M ill only M’ipe
the mud off themselves, all will be for
given by a generous people.
A boarding house is not a pleasant
place to live. It is a great place for broils
and the landlady often gets in a steM\
No M’onder the republican party is cor
rupt ; it lias been in poM’er for the last
decade. Decayed matter alM’ays produces
corruption.
“ I’he Chinese soldiers no longer U9e the
stink-pot in M’arfare,” says an exchange.
When M’ill the American journalists do
likewise ?
Nom t that the campaign is over, it is no
longer safe to invite St. John to step up
and take something. He is liable to ac
cept the proposition.
A man arrested in northern Texas fcr
counterfeiting had six different dies. If
he had been arrested for stealing a horse,
he would have only had one die.
Expensive sM’eetmeats —honeyed W’ords.
The w r idoM T ’s favorite musical instru
ment—east-a-net.
Excuses are poor missionaries—they
seldom carry conviction M’ith them.
Can the whispering of women at eve
ning gatherings be called nigh (t) talks ?
There are tM’o kinds of drafts, my son.
One you get cold by, the other you get
gold by.
The follies of youth make us premature
ly bald-headed, but the follies of old age
make us perorating fools.
Ben Butler wasn’t born with a silver
spoon in his mouth, but he put one into
it as soon as he could.
“Ah! that’s just the place for me,”
coughed the tottering consumptive as he
deciphered in a front window the legend,
“Weakly Boarders Wanted.”
The M’ise debtor doesn’t rely too much
on his floating debts to keep him afloat.
He will be less likely to drown if he de
pends on a sinking fund.
The model coachman sleeps M’ith his
boots on and his grip-sack under the bed.
He knows not at M’hat dread hour he may
be summoned by the eloping angel.
There is a bunch ot grapes at the Amer
ican Institute Fair M’hieh weighs six
pounds. Like the fox in the fable, all
visitors at the fair are morally certain that
those grapes are very sour.
A southern farmer has orders from New
York for 80,000 pounds of w’ater-melon
seed, to be grown next year. The Jamai
ca ginger foundries are beginning to run
night and day in order to anticipate the
demands of the summer of’Bs.
Don’t make comparisons, my boy. They
are apt to make us wretched. Even if it
doesn’t look so, you are just as M’arm in
your ten dollar overcoat as the dude in
his fifty dollar surtout. It is thick cloth,
not fine, that keeps us M’arm; hard hands,
not soft, that keep their grip in this
world.
Work has been resumed on the Wash
ington monument. This is an encourag
ing sign for the Bartholdi statue. If M’e
can manage to complete a monument to
the Father of his country in a little over
one century, certainly Liberty may hope
for a resting place in the course of our
second hundred years.