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THE C. E. CLUB.
There was an air of suppressed excite
ment among the members of the C. E.
club wbioh culminated in anopeD dem
onstration as the reading of the con
stitution was demanded. The president
rapped loudly for order.
“It has been requested that the con
stitution be read,” she said, in a clear,
high soprano.
The girls settled down in their places
and, amid comparative quiet, the secre
tary, clearing her throat, began:
“This organization shall be called
•The Chanoy Elopement club.’ Abso
lute secrecy ns to time nnd particulars
of elopement shall bo maintained even
between members. Membership shall
bo limited to seven, and shall cease tho
moment a wedding ring is placed on a
trne sister’s linger. Tho older the man
inveigled into eloping the more credit
shall be given tho departing sister.
Boys under 18 are not to be considered
responsible. Trunks and trousseaus are
absolutely forbidden. Long wedding
trips are also barred. The penalty for
being a member longer than for two
years is expulsion. Each departing
member shall suggest a sister to take
her place."
“You have heard tho reading of the
constitution, ” said tho president, rising
from her chair “Now, what uctiou is
to be taken?”
“Madam President”—a tall girl
arose with a malicious sparkle in her
black eyes—"the reading of the consti
tution was demanded for tho purpose of
calling attention to the clause which
reads that tho penalty for being a mem
ber for over two years is expulsion. We
have one such member. I think it time
that action was taken.”
Tho members gasped as the audacious
speaker took her seat and listened
breathlessly for tho president’s answer.
That official raised her head defiantly
and said haughtily:
“1 presume that they mean mo, Miss
Andrews. I believe that 1 alone remain
of tho original seven.”
“I do, nnd I move that the vine
president tako the chair while wo con
sider the case. ”
“One moment, please.” The president
turned to the secretary. “Will you
kindly look up the time of my mem
bership?”
Amid dead silence the secretary re
ported :
“There are two months remaining,
Madam President.”
“1 thought so. ” The president turned
to tho club, ignoring her of the black
eyes. “You see,” she said, “that it is
impossible for the club to take any such
step us the member moved for tho pres
ent. I will say, however, that such ac
tion will never become necessary in my
caso, ” and a resolute look came into tho
blue eyes.
“Oh, Graoie!” broke from the girls
iu admiration, for it was an open secret
thut the fair president had been engaged
lor some two years to a dignified pro
fessor of scionco, a man some 20 years
her senfiyr.
“Perhaps you won’t mind tolling
your ‘modus operandi:' ” sneered Sadie
Andrews incredulously.
“Allow me iu turn tocall youratten
tion to thut clause of our constitution
which says that absolute secrecy as to
time and particulars shall be maintained
eveu between members,” said Graoie
sweetly, although her eyes flashed at
the covert insinuation. “If there is no
more business before tho club,” she
added, “I declare the meeting ad
journed. ”
Grace walked away. “The hateful
thing!” she exclaimed, the tears filling
her eyes in spite of herself. “I’ll show
herl He does love me! He does! Ho
will do anything I wish. Only ho does
not approvo of eloping. Oh, I wish that
ho did! But I’ll manage somehow, and
he just must do it, whether ho approves
or not. ”
A month passed, and still no oppor
tunity presented itself for putting into
practice any of her numerous plans.
Grace was almost in despair. Sadie An
drews openly laughed her to scorn as
the time passed und Graoie was still
Graoie Dawn. Many of the girls looked
dubious and smiled faintly when Sa
die would triumphantly ejaculate “1
told you sol” in their presence. Grace
preserved a calm bearing outwardly,
but inwardly raged at her helplessness.
One day a merry party of excursion
ists boarded boat nnd went for an out
ing 20 miles down tho river. Among
them were Graco and Professor Harper
Tho O. E. club was out in full force,
and a mighty resolve formed itself in
tho maiden’s mind that this should be
the eventful occasion.
A cave iu the vicinity visited and
lunch partaken of, the party broke up
into groups of twos or threes aud scat
tered over the hills into the woods. The
captain of the vessel cautioned them
against straying too fur away, as the
boat would put out promptly at 5
Jo’clock. As was natural, Grace aud the
professor sauntered off together.
"Now, where shall we go?” inquired
the professor “Have you any special
place that you would like to go?”
“1 thought,” said the artful miss,
“that we might find some specimens of
kJtbe Adiautuin pedatum.”
iny dear. Let me see what
| time is. We don't want to go so
far that we will not "be able to get back
to the boat in time.’’
lie drew on* bis watch, but before
he could glance at it Grace had snatch
ed it from him.
“Now suess, Herbert,” she cried
merrily, putting her bands behind her.
“Guess the time. ”
Professor Harper smiled indulgently.
“It must be 2 o’clock or after,” he
said.
“Oh, you bad guesser!” And Grace
laughingly banded back the watch.
“It is only half past 1.”
“Why, so it is!” exclaimed the pro
fessor, amazed. “I waR almost positive
that it was after 2; hnt that will give
us time for a long tramp.”
So on they went farther and farther
into the woods, until at last, with arms
filled with fine specimens of maiden
hair, they sat down on a mossy stone to
analyze them.
“When we are married, Grace, I hope
to find a rare pupil in you. We have
only a year to wait now until your fa
ther considers you old enough,” con
tinued ho. “1 don’t mind saying to
you, little girl, that I find the waiting
tedious at times. ”
Grace’s heart throbbed rapidly.
“Then you would not mind very
much if something should happen that
would make us marry sooner, would
you?” she asked, in a low tone.
“No, dear; I should not; not in the
least. But there!” the professor sighed
heavily. “Your father is quite right,
quite right, and we must wait. Now,
shall we analyze a few more specimens?”
They turned again to the ferns and
so the time passed. Suddenly the pro
fessor seemed to realize that time was
flying and whipped out his watch.
“Bless my soul!” he cried. “We will
barely have time to got to the boat. It
is 4 o’clock. We must hurry, Grace.”
They had not gone far before the deep
whistle sounded on their ears.
“Why! We cun never reach tho boat
in time in the world! We must run for
ft, Grace!”
Bnt, despite their efforts, when they
reachtd the shore the boat was hidden
from view by a bend in tho river.
“This is a predicament, ” said Pro
fessor Harper, us he mopped his brow.
“The worst of it is that they will think
we did it on purpose!” Aud ho frowned
in annoyance. “I cannot think how my
watch came to bo so far behind time.
Do you suppose you could have inad
vertently turned tho hands, Grace,
when you took it from me?”
Grace hung her head, but made no
reply.
“Grace, ”ho exclaimed, “I believe
that you did it, and on purpose! Did
you?” * - w
Grace nodded.
“lint why, child? Why should you
want to be left way out here in the
woods?"
“I’m going to run off with you, Her
bert. So that you might as well make
up your mind to it. ”
"Why! What does tho girl meab?”
gasped tho professor in amazement.
“Just what I say. If you will agree
to marry me right away, I know a man
that lives about a mile from here who
will drive us to Chaney. If you don’t
promise, I will not toll where he lives
and you will just have to stay here all
night. ”
Professor Harper stared at her for a
moment in astonishment, and then, as
her meaning burst upon him, gave vent
to a roar of laughter. Grace’s lip
quivered.
“Uli, I surrender! I surrender!” cried
tho professor hastily. “I will do any
thing you ask, my dear. But what a
very desperate character you are!”
Shamefaced, but determined, Grace
led the chuckling professor to the house
of a farmer, with whom arrangements
were soon concluded to drive them to
Ohauey.
“You don’t really mind, do you,
Herbert?” whispered Grace as they
reached the house of tho minister.
“Mind? No. I wish we had done it
long ago,’’ whispered baokthe profess
or, smiling boyishly. “I haven’t been
on such a lark forbears.” .
Tho 0. E. (Tub held a private jollifi
cation when it was known that Profess;
or Harper aud Grace had eloped,
and the villagers wondered at tho de
pravity of a man of his age.
“All the same, my dear,” said the
professor to his wife, “I hope that you
won’t always use such desperate meth
ods to obtain your own way.”
“But there wasn’t anything else to
do,” answered Airs. Harper.
And, laughing, he kissed her.—L.
Foster Madison iu Cleveland Presa
TWO SONGS.
“Sing me a song, ” quoth she.
So he sang how for years aud for years and a
day
He had sighed for a maid that was deaf and
was blind—
That was blind to his love, that was deaf to
the wind
Of his groaning and sighing! “Ah, sir, lack
aday!' ‘
Said the lady that listened as sad as could bo.
•‘Ah, me, laekaday!’’ answered he.
“Sing me a song,” quoth he.
So she sang how for years and for years and a
day
Her head had been full of a poor lover’s sighs.
For nights und for nights with the lovo in his
eyes.
Oh, well might she pause, for that gentleman
gay
Kissed her quick on the lips, most joyous to
see!
“Ah, love, thou wert blind!” answered she.
Paul’s.
THE ROOT.
"I think, my dear,’’said Cheedle, "I
shall begin by observing that money is
said to be the root of all evil. ”
“But do you think she will like that,
Josie?” asked bis wife.
“And,” continued Cheedle sternly,
“I shall add that now is her chance to
disprove that statement.”
“I hope ehe won’t think we want
any of her money. ”
“We don’t want it.”
"We do. If we didn’t it wouldn’t
matter. ”
"My dear, you must really allow me
to speak for myself sometimes. I don’t
want any of Aunt Jane’s money.”
“Then there will bo all the more for
me. ”
“If she sends any”—
"She is bound to I”
“If she sends any, I shall of course
expect to have a voice in the matter of
its administration. ”
“If your voice is going to be as big
as your words, I can see that the money
might just as well not come, as far as
I'm concerned.”
“My dear, you really must not be
petty.”
“I’m not potty, and I shall be as pet
ty as I like. ”
“Really, Nell, you surprise me some
times. ”
“You are always a surprise. ”
"You almost speak as if I were an
unpleasant surprise.”
“Surprisesare too sudden to be pleas
ant. ”
“How a thing that is permanent can
be sudden also” —
“Now I know what you are going to
do, ” she said. “You are going to make
me cry. ’’
“Aly dear”—
“Yes, you are. Yon know arguing
always makes me cry And it’s very
cruel of you. If I could argue back” —
“You can cry. ’’
“I suppose you want me to?”
“God forbid!”
“Don’t be wicked!”
“Don’t suppose. ”
Mrs. Cheedle dropped into a chair
“And to think that before we have been
married three months I should he for
bidden to suppose.”
“Now, really, my dear,” said Chee
dle, “don’t you think you are a little
unreasonable?”
“Don’t you think you are unreason
able to expect me to answer that?”
“Of courso. I don’t expect you to an
swer it. I was merely”—
“Then why ask the question? It
makes you more unreasonable still.”
Cheedle laughed. “Now you are laugh
ing at me. ”
"Really, my dear, I think the laugh
was on your side that time.”
She smiled. “How nice you are when
you don’t argue, Josie!”
“But about this money, "said he
“In the improbable contingency of
Aunt Jane mistaking the intention of
my letter”—
“Don’t make it too improbable, Josie,
you know. If you don’t want the mon
ey, I do. I wonder how much she will
send?”
“You have no right to expect any
thing. I don’t expect anything.”
“Oh!”
“I don’t."
“Oh!”
“It wouldn’t be more than £25 any
way. ”
“If sho has the insolence to send me
anything less than £IOO after the shame
ful way poor dear grandfather has be
haved to us, I—l shall—l shall”—
“Spend it, I expect.”
"I expect so too. No, I won’t I’ll
waste it. ”
“That would be silly.”
“It would be jolly.”
“You would be very sorry after
ward.”
“Of course.!”
“Really, my dear”—
“All nice things make you sorry aft
erward: It’s worth it. ”
“•FroYn what you say I gather”—
“Oh, don’t gather, Josie! It sounds
so dreadfully formal and proper. I feel
as if l oughtn’t to be alouo with you
when you gather. ”
“I ‘understand,* then. Is that bet
ter?”
“Not much. But go on. ”
“I understand that yon have a sys
tem of wasting money. Will you ex
plain it?”
‘‘lt isn’t a system at all. ”
“What is it, then?”
“It just isn’t a system. I just let the
money go, you know, and get nothing
for it. ”
“And yon find that—jolly?”
“Jolliest fun iu the world.”
“Well, I should be very sorry to have
to exert any—ah—marital authority.”
“Y’es, you would be very sorry,”
said she.
‘‘l should be very sorry to have to do
it. But I really could not permit you
to squander”—
‘‘Aly aunt’s money.”
Cheedle frowned. “Y’ou forget,” said
be, ‘‘that I am your husband.”
“No,” said she; ‘‘you make that im
possible. ”
” When I married you”—
“You did not marry my aunt.”
“Thank God —I beg your pardon—oi
oourse not. ”
“\~ou are very horrid and disrespect
ful today. I don’t think I shall listen
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to you.
“1 can reassure yon; you haven’t.”
“Do you mean to say, Josie, that
you haven’t been talking all the time?”
“Of course I do!”
“You can 6ay that, calmly standing
there?”
“Or frantically sitting, if it is possi
ble to sit frantically.”
Mrs. Cheedle sighed. “I feel almost
sure you are being funny, ” she said.
Cheedle was hurt. “Once you were
proud of my sense of humor,” he re
marked, “or you said you were.”
“I tell you what we’d do I” cried
Mrs. Cheedle, with sudden animation
“We’d go to Paris.”
“When? Why? How?”
“As soon as we got it —one. Because
we could waste it better there than any
where else—two. With it—three.”
“You speak of the money that isn’t
coming from Aunt Jane?”
“If it isn’t coming, may I have it?’
“How can you?”
“Never mind. You’re so positive.
May I? All to myself?”
"Well, lam disappointed in you I
thought when I married you—no, I
didn’t think enough. ”
She rose—one yard and a half of rigid,
scornful femininity.
“Do you regret our marriage, sir?”
“No, no Of course not.”
“I desire you to explain, then, Mr.
Cheedle—oh, bother the beastly money!
I wish it wasn’t coming. ”
“Perhaps it isn’t. ”
“Don’t be such a wet blanket, Josie."
“Why, you just said”—
“I don’t care what I said 1 I hate you 1
Oh, Josie, aud I was going to buy you
such a lovely new. chain I”
She wept aloud.
“Look hero, Nell,” said Cheedle,
some minutes later. “I won’t write to
Aunt Jane at all. ”
“That will he best,” said she.
“I might only go aud put my foot in
it. I know I’m not a very great favorite
of hers. ’ ’
“Aud, really, my dear boy, that bit
about the root of all evil wouldn’t have
done at all. ”
“No?”
“No. Now I shall just pay”—
“You?”
“Of course. ”
“I could not think of letting you”—
“But somebody must write to her. ”
“I don’t see the necessity. ”
Mrs. Cheedle froze slowly as she
withdrew from him.
“And you would let”-
She stopped on seeing the servant en
ter with a letter.
“For you, sir. ”
Cheedle broke it open.
“Who is it from, Josie?"
“Aunt Jane. ”
“Oh, what does she say?”
“She’s donated £SO iu our joint
names (yours and mine, Nell) to the
Society For the Beatification of St.
Matthew’s Little Ditch 1”
“It’s a judgment on you for quar
reling with me!” said Mrs. Cheedle.
Black and White.
Lyons Elected President.
Chicago, Jan. 10. Richard Lyons
was today elected president of the Chi
cago board of trade.
It’s Just the Spoon.
No, direct legislation is not a pana
cea for all national ills. Iu fact, it is
not a panacea at all. It is merely a
spoon with which the panacea can be
administered. Specific legislation is the
panacea for political ills, and direct
legislation is the method by which this
special legislation can be secured. A
sick man may need a number of differ
ent medicines, but they can all be ad
ministered with one spoon. If the nurse
went to get a spoon with which to ad
minister the medicine, you would not
6ay that she considered a spoon the
panacea for all the sick man’s ills.——
Equity.
Ills Sinecure.
There died not so very long ago a
worthy French gentleman who had suc
ceeded, by dint of importunity, in ob
taining from a minister who was, polit
ically speaking, on bis last legs, inas
much as the cabinet to which he be
longed was already tottering to its fall,
a very comfortable berth. For ten years
this official called punctually at the
ministry iu question whenever the mo
ment arrived at which his salary was
due, and, having pocketed the money,
he returned quietly to his home in a
fashionable part of Fans
One day, while he was chatting with
a very intimate friend, who was well
versed in the idiosyncrasies and work
ing of the different official departments,
he asked confidentially his companion
if ho could tell him the precise spot in
which the establishment of which he
had been appointed a deputy custodian
was situated, confessing that he had
not the remotest idea of its locality.
His request having been complied with,
the official, nevertheless, displayed no
curiosity to visit the sceue of his pre
sumed labors, aud, as a matter of fact,
he expired without having ever beheld
it.
After his death this post was abolish
ed, so that at least one badly needed re
form may be laid to tho credit of the
powers that be.—Fans Letter
Equal to tile Occasion.
Alichelot, the famous comedian, suf
fered a great deal from the spite of his
colleagues, and found it necessary to be
on the alert at every performance. On
a certain occasion he had to scold a
servant in one of Aloliere’s plays, when
the “claque,” which had been bribed
by his rivals, began to hiss.
Michelotwas by no means disconcert
ed. Giving the servant a couple of
blows on the ear not included in the
part, he extemporized as follows:
“You vile scamp of a varlet, there is
nothing you think of! There you stand
quietly listening to the vermin squeak
ing in the house and never trouble your
self to get the rat poison I”
The effect of this sally was striking.
The audience broke out in loud applause
and no subsequent attempt was made to
hiss the actor.
“Drunk With Thy Beauty.”
Charles Dickens once bad an argu
ment with a friend about Byron’s ex
pression, “Drunk with tby beauty,” to
which he made great objection. During
the discussion the novelist gazed as if
enraptured at his host’s fair haired
daughter, who was in the room. At
last he sprang to his feet, struck a dra
matic attitude, clasped his heart with
his hands and stalked to the window,
where he wrote on the white woodwork:
O maiden of the amber dropping hair,
Would 1, Byromeally, thy praise might ut
ter!
Drunk with thy beauty, would that I might
dare
To breathe out paeans. borne upon a shutter!
Acquitted.
Voltaire, when on his estate of Fer
ney, was fond of assuming the air of
nobility and displayed a most philosoph
ical hatred of poachers. One luckless
fellow was caught and brought before
him. Voltaire determined to try him
according to law, and took his seat as
judge, directing his secretary to act as
counsel for the prisoner. The advocate
made a long speech in favor of the cul
prit and stopped suddenly.
“Why do you hesitate?” asked Vol
taire.
“I wish to read a passage from a vol
ume in your library.”
He procured the book and silently
turned its leaves. Voltaire became im
patient and demanded the cause of his
silence.
“ Well,” answered the secretary, ‘‘l
have been looking for the word ‘hu
manity’ and I see you have omitted it.”
Voltaire thought the argument ao
forcible that he set the poacher free.