Newspaper Page Text
Take* Hi* Flock to Task For Ex
travagance.
TELLS OF COMING CRASH.
Advises His Audience Not to Envy the
Rich Nor to Seek to Acquire Weslth.
Pictures Rich Man's Misery, While
Audience Groans In Sympathy.
By M. QUAD.
[Copyright. 1313, by Associated Literary
Press.]
AFTER the committee to investi
gate the Panama canal had
L reported that they had made
a thorough investigation into
alleged graft and found no evidence
that a single individual had got away
with more than 15 cents and asked
how under such circumstances the ca
nal could lie expected to he a success.
Brother Gardner arose and said:
“When I look up and down de aisles
dis eaveilin' 1 catch he sparkle of dia
monds. I behold patent leather shoes.
1 see embroidered socks sich as de king
of England wears. I see suits of
clothes dat cost $25. 1 see members
of de club \\ ho am gwine home to walk
on Persian rugs and drink port wine
befo’ dey tumbles into a bed wid a S2O
spread kivered ober de top to woo de
angels.
“My frens, you has bin gwine de
pace. You has got dar. You am at de
top. What am gwine to fuller? Am
c g>r<7 y-
*‘l THUNK TILL MY OL’ HKAD WAS
WHIRLIN'."
you gwirte to be do happier fur It?
You will answer dat you am. but it’s
all u bluff. Dar ain’t a man of you
but what's in debt. Dar ain’t a man
of you dat could raise SSO In cush on
a pinch. You am llbin' from hand to
mouth and don't kuow what de inside
of a savin’ bank looks like. Let a car
buncle on de neck lay any of you up
fur a week and you’d l>e around bor
rowin' money to keep de wolf from de
doah.
“Your wives ride In cowpays while
you owe de butcher and am gwine a
block outer your way to dodge him.
You am eutin' tee cream while you
owe de grocer fur codfish. You am
startin' down sweet cake while your
betters am satisfied widco'nmeul. You
am wearin' patent leather shoes while
you am standin' de coal man off. You
am rentin’ boxes at the postofflee while
your chil'en want fur schoolbooks.
You am swellin’ about and talkin' poli
tics while folks am offerin’ good money
for whitewnsblu’!
• Prophesies a Crash.
“I say nil right to dis. It's none of
my funeral. If de pace suits you keep
it up. It hain't for me to butt in and
spile your day dreams, but when de
crash comes, as come it must, don’t
come shoutin’ to me for cold tutors.
Don’t come n-sayin' you didn't dun
think it could ever be. Don't come
Weepin’ kase you has had a good time
and lost it. Dar’s signs In de beabens
and signs all around us on airth dat
bobbery nm gwine to be let loose be
fo’ many years mo' have passed, and If
you will persist in closin' your eyes
and ears you must take what's cornin’
to you.
“I took a leetle wnlk today, and I
saw' lace curtains and heard planers
playin'. I saw grocery wagons and
butcher carts drlvln’ up. I saw cull’d
women goin’ out and cornin' home in
cowpays. I saw cull’d chil’en on de
street whose clothes cost mo' dan it
used to cost me to dress my hull fam’ly
of eight. I saw cull'd women in silks
and cull’d men In Prince Alberts. I
saw ’em buyin’ rugs and carpets and
statuary. I heard de women talkin’
about deir tailors. I saw all dls and
much mo’; and when I got home I sot
down in my cheer and thunk till my
old head. was whirlin’ round wld
thunkln'. De old woman put my feet
to soak and tied a wet towel around
my head. but all., night, .long I was
dreatulo’. of a long pnrceijslon of folks
qiarchln' past my cabin on de way to
stand up to do it. I git ao excited
sometimes dat de old woman has to
tell me to put my cold feet In to oweo
and drink hot catnip tea.
The Old and New.
“De two room cabin of half a cen
tury ago has become de six room flat
of today. De puncheon floah am hid
den under tiger skin rugs. De two or
three old cheers and de humble bed
have been replaced by furniture fit fur
a king. One of de lookin' glasses
bangin’ up costs mo' dan all we had
In our cabins.
“Fur thirty years I hadn’t a pane of
glass in de winders of my cabin. I
didn’t see the need of it, and ag'iu I
sorter felt dat I wanted to gin de
I.awd a free chance to look In at any
time o’ day or night. Today you
couldn’t git a black man to lib in a
house widout winders, and he wants
lace curtains to boot. He’s willin' to
keep de Lawd out and de debbil in.
“In my time if a black man bad
walked into a grocery and ordered de
grocer to send him up half a pound of
tea. two pounds of butter, a pound of
coffee and a box of bakin’ powder dar
would have bin people sayin’ dat de
judgment day was not fur off. Now
dar's untilin' thought about it. In my
day. if a husband had come home and
found Ids old woman givin’ a high tea
lie would have dropped dead. Now
adays husbands help to wait on de
company.
“If I had come home from town
brlngin' a cuckoo clock under my arm
de old woman would have looked at
me fur a mlnit In a cur’us way. Den
she would have felt of my head to
find dat soft spot. Den she would
have gone under de plum tree and
knelt down and axed de Lawd to
gib me my senses back and not leave
her in a hole. She would have taken
it dat I was plumb crazy, and ebery
body else fur ten miles around would
have agreed wid her.
The Broomstick of Wrath.
“Had a peddler come along wid a ten
dollar rug and axed me to buy it on de
Installment plan, and had 1 wasted live
uiinits talkin’ wid him at de gate, I
Rhould have felt a whack from a
broomstick across my shoulders. It
would have bln considered a sin in de
sight of de I.awd to buy sich a rug.
All de crows and buzzards and pos
sums and coons for twenty miles
around would have come flockin’ to
look at it and call me a fule.
“And, furdermo’, it has come to my
knowledge dat we have among us sar
tln members who am sighin' to be
great at any price or in auy manner.
De pore fi>ols doan’ know when dey
am well off. From de rnlnit a man gits
rich de book agents are arter him.
Kberybody who has eber bowed to
him wants to borry $lO. The grocer
boats him. de butcher swindles him
and de [>oliceman on de beat stands in
wid his cook and is furnished wid all
de lemon pie he kin devour.
“De rich man am game for all. He
has got to go to church ebery Sunday,
no matter how good de flailin' am. and
when he’s dur he’s got to sot way up
in front whar eberybody kin see de
wrinkles in de back of his coat. How
often do you s’pose de rich man has a
idled dinner? Not once a ya’r. He
dassent have. It hain’t catosh in his
circle.
"Did you eber see a rich man sittiu'
on do top rail of a fence eatin' a raw
turnip? Nebber in your life. He’s got
to sit down on a stuffed cha'r at home
and eat oranges.
Rich Man's Limitations.
“Kin de rich man sot around de gro
cery in de evenin' in his shirt sleeves
or dare drink ills ’lasses out of a jug?
Do you ebber hear of his goin’ fishin
or skatin' or off arter huckleberries?
Not on your life! [Tremendous ap
plause]
“All de rich man cau do am to be
rich and have heaps of trubble. He’s
got to eat what he don't like, dress as
he don’t want to, and hang around de
Waldorf-Astoria when he’d a heap
rather be out on de commons playin’
ball wid de boys. Ills wife is arter
him all de time for mo’ diamonds, his
boys am runniu’ around and marryiu'
chorus gals, and his darters am cryin’
to go to Europe and buy out Switzer
land. [Groans of sympathy.]
“I has kuowed ns many as seben
rich men in my time and 1 has had
private talks wid them all. When dey
found that I was Rrother Gardner dey
just talked to me in confidence. Ebery
one of dose seben men told me dat he'd
gib his old butes to be a pore and
happy man agin. Dey couldn't eben
gib deir money away and be pore like
de rest of us. Deir wives wouldn’t
let ’em do it. Dey had to keep right on
bein’ rich and havin' trouble day in
and day out. and it will not s’prise
you to hear dey all died befo’ deir
time. (Sensation).
'.* • * ,
Don’t Envy Wealth.
“My dear freus. don’t sigh to be
rich. Don’t plan and scheme for
. wealth. Don't envy de millyonalre
Dqjt's bosses and carriages In bein’
rich t but what’s de use of hosses and
Ijiuv?snufn^?!^ml!^NUuvTj
ALL SIZES
We have them at reasonable prices. We have Heaters
for small offices and large store rooms. You are in
vited to examine them and get price before buying.
WE ALSO HAVE THREE
DISC REVERSABLE PLOWS
and a'big stock of one and two-horse turners that were slightly smoked
in the fire that we are offering at a good price. -
YOU MUST SEE THEM
Woodruff Hardware Company
Winder, - Georgia,
carriages when you kin ride on a
street kyar?
“I hab summed it up and figured it
out. and I’m tellin’ you dat de man
w ho am libbin' in a cottage and w'earin
one shirt all de week through am hap
pier dan any millyonaire dat kin be
named I did not intend to make any
distended remarks, but simply to sow
a few seeds by de wayside. Remain
pore and happy. Remain pore and re
spectable.
“When you take from a man de priv
ilege of sittin’ on his doah steps in his
shirt sleeves, wid an old hen cacklin’
on one side of him and a pig gruntin'
on de odder, de dawg lyin’ in de sun
and de chil'en rollin’ on de grass,
you have tooken away a happiness dat
money can't replace.’’ [Terrific ap
plause. which continued until the
lights were turned out and the doors
locked.]
French Fairy Tales.
French nursery literature if poor in
rhymes is singularly rich in fairy tales.
Three of the world’s greatest fairy
tale writers were French —La Fon
taine. Charles Perrault. the Countess
D’Aulnoy. Of these three the greatest
In this particular line w'as undoubtedly
Charles Perrault. to whom we owe
“Cinderella." “Puss In Boots” and
"Bluebonrd." But the Countess D’Aul
noy gave us the “Yellow Dwarf” and
“Beauty and the Beast.” N To Antoine
Galland. another Frenchman, we have
to render thanks for the first European
translation of the “Arabian Nights.’’—
London Chronicle.
Every right action and true*thought
seta the seal pf its beatify 1 on the per
son and the face.—John Buskin.
Em ifrw * ; km iBMKPCSajg
SHAVING PARLOR—HoteI Winder.
qjjglsL i
I|| v jgm
HOT AND COLD BATHS.
CHASTAIN & ROSS, Proprietors.
Steel cars are among the new fall
fashions for railroads. They are ex
pected to be much more popular
among the traveling public than fu
nerals, of which the said public is be
coming tired.
A sage of Croatia asserts that eat
ing garlic with all your meals will en
able you to live a hundred years. But
a pronounced individual taste may
question whether living the hundred
years with the aroma of garlic as a
permanent companion is worth while.
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