Newspaper Page Text
w - F* SMITH, Publisher,
VOLUME IX.
TOPICS OP THE DAY.
In Boston 300 ladies operate at stock
board*.
Conobbsh, like all other great bodies,
■aore* slowly.
Wb mat just as well record this as the
Lunatic Epoch.
Oscar V* ilde, the too too poet, wants
S2OO a night for lecturing.
The music in Beecher’s church, the
past, year, oost $5,720.
People who live iu glass houses should
pull down thq blinds, of course.
The losses by fire in the United {States,
lor aggregate $100,000,000.
The past warm weather interfered
very seriously with pork packing.
The Land League, a revolutionary
paper in Ireland, is now conducted by
ladies.
Washington is to have a newspaper
called Common Sense. A Capital idea.
Tpte Jews are having a terrible time of
it in Odessa. They are a persecuted
race.
Eleven thousand dollars were the re
ceipts at once of Patti’s matinees, is
Boston.
Ohio is not, nor is she likely to be
represented in the Cabinet. Paste that
in your hat.
Mrs. Langtry, the English beauty,
has made her debut on a London stage,
thap&s to our “stars.”
Speaker Keiper is charged by the
New York Tribune with being “ West
ern in his manners.” That’s “worse’n
stealin’. ”
It is stated now that Gaiteau wrote
the Morey letter. What that fellow
hasn’t done is perhaps not in the crim
inal catalogue.
Oapt. Davb Paine, with eight or more
ol Ins followers, have Invaded the Okla
homa lands, and anticipate no trouble
from the authorities.
Hmokeks will be pleased to learn that
of eight inmates dying of smallpox in
one tenement house, in New York, all
were cigar makers.
Greenbaokers are holding meetings
preparatory to moving on Oongress. It
seems that the money question is bother
ing nearly everybody.
Mark Twain is living in Canada, just
so as to get a copyright on his last new
book. When that is done he will return
to tho United States again.
Mr. Seth S. Bishop, M. D., of No.
298 Ogden avenue, Chicago, publishes a
statement showing Guite&u, the mur
derer, committed forgery when in that
city.
Contrary to report respecting the
President’s opposition to women, he has
sent the names of two of the fair sex to
the Senate for confirmation as Post
mistresses.
An exchange says President Grevy,
although he gets a salary of $200,000 a
year, makes his own coffee. Well, there
is nothing so bad abont that. Jay
Gonld drinks his.
A paper at Quincy, 111., has discov
ered that a great many household arti
cles get misplaced and lost, but some
how, almost any family can keep fifty
two cards together.
44 Kiefer ” is a German word, and
signifies bo scold, to chide. The only
difference between this word and the
name of the new Speaker, is the trans
position of the letters ** i ” and “e.”
Ia this the Great Eastern ? No, it is
a Cincinnati girl’s shoe. See how easy
it is to bo mistaken. —Chicago TV&vne,
Is this a joke ? No, it is Chicago wit
See how easy it is to be a Chicago wit ?
—Cincinnati Gazette,
The St James Gazette remarks that
hereafter the European powers will be
obliged to recognize the fact that the
United States has a foreign policy of its
own. 'We should judge there is some
truth in this statement
Beginning with January 1, Omaha
will be operated under the SI,OOO
license law. By this it is proposed to
limit the sale of liquors to but few houses.
The success or failure of this law will
be awaited with interest
.!
Edward S. fVropg. the Mayer of
Eiak, having met with great pecuniary
ccccccccc
success in California, is living in a very
extravagant. manner in New York, and
Tosie Mansfield is in New York, leading
a quiet life ou her own means.
According to statistics the export of
butter from this country to Europe in
the past year has fallen off one-half.
The cause is attributed to the manufac
ture here of oleomargarine, and the
English don’t care alxmt being fooled.
Senator Hawlet attended the Gui
teau trial a few days ago, and says :
“ Guiteau is the shrewdest man in the
Court-room, and cannot be called insane
i n any sense of the word. ” That opin
ion seems to pretty generally prevail.
Guiteau is possessed of a keen percep
tion. When his sister, Mrs. Sooville,
the other day, told a witness she desired
to ask a question, she was interrupted
by the prisoner with the remark : “ Yon
keep stilL It’s all they can do to put
up with me.” How truly he spoke.
Herb is a paragraph for those young
men who have never learned their alpha
bet: Senator Joe Brown, of Georgia,
was twenty years old before he learned
to read. At thirty-three he was elected
to a judgeship, and at thirty-seven he be
came Governor. He is now, at sixty
eight, a United States Senator.
The Direotor of the Mint has caused
a calculation to be made of the cost of
silver bullion which has been coined
into dollars during the three years end
ing June 30, 1881. He finds a profit
of $9,752,210. For example, the peo
ple paid $72,000,000 in gold for silver
bnllion which they coined into about
$81,700,000 in silver.
It is thought that Secretary Freling
huysen will pursue the same course as
that taken by Blaine on the subject of
naturalization. This is that a foreigner
taking the oath of allegiance and be
coming a citizen of the United States
occupies the same ground as the native
born, and that he is released from all
claims his original Government had
upon him.
A Piute Princess married an Indian
Agent numed Hopkins recently, and is
now coming East to lecture. She was
educated at a Catholic seminary iu Cali
fornia. Speaking of the Indian Agents
in general, sfie says: “We do not object
to the Agent clasping the sack in the
middle and retaining half of our allow
ance, but when he empties all there is
into his own store and throws us the
empty sack, then we object.”
“Mashing,” as usually understood,
is the aot of captivating the heart of the
opposite sex on sight. The “mashing”
process, however, is not always success
ful, and the effort, when directed to a
respectable person, is universally ac
cepted as the grossest insult. In New
York the police have instructions to
collar and maroh to the station-house all
“mashers” who, by their wanton ad
vances, insult respectable ladies.
In the Cleveland High School, educa
tional cramming has gone on to such an
extent that 25 per cent, of the girls and
18 per cent, of the boys have been com
pelled to quit school on account of bad
health. Of these invalids 95 per cent,
were well when they entered, only 5 per
cent, being classed as deKeate. Since
taking a rest thirty-eight oontinue unim
proved, thirty-five have got well, twenty
five are said to bp in fair health, and two
have died, The above statements are
made on authoriiy of a member of the
Board of Education, who seems to have
given the matter careful study.
We quom from the Cincinnati Gazette
(Rep.) of the 16th inst. : “ Our Wash
ington correspondent gives in a dispatch
the particulars of a scheme of stupen
dous grandeur, which is the true inward
ness of our recent diplomacy with Peru
and Chili. It is scheme which makes
the Credit Mobilier a two-penny matter
by comparison. It ia no less than that
a ring of American adventurers, having
high political connections, have set up,
as by purchase, a claim of $900,000, (XV
against Peru, and they propose to have
our government “mediate,” and require
Peru to transfer her guano and niter
beds to this oomp&ny, who shall farm
them, and pay, first, themselves, next
the indemnity to Chili, and next the sur
plus to Peru. Thus does the great South
American Credit Mobilier stand revealed
as the promoter of our Peruvian diplo
macy.
Mark Twain, at the banquet to him
at Montreal the other evening, said : “ I
speak French with timidity, ftd not
flowingly—except when excited. I had
hoped that mere French oonstrnofcion—
with English words—would answer, but
this is net the ease. I tried it at a gen
tteup*i* house in Quebec, but ftWnld
not work. The maid-servant asked :
What would Monsieur ?’ I said. 4 Mon-
Devoted to Industrial Inter st, the Diffn ion of Truth, the Establishment of Justice, and th Preservation of aPeojJo’s Government
INDIAN SPRINGS, GEORGIA
sieur So and So, is he with himself?’
She did not understand. I said : *I it
that he is still not returned of his house
of merchandise!’ She did not under
stand that either. I said: ‘He will
desolate himself when he learns that his
friend American was arrived and he not
with himself to shake him at the hand.’
She did not even understand that; I
don’t know why, but she didn’t, and she
lost her temper besides. Somebody in
the rear called out : Qui est done lar
or words to that effeoi. She said : '(Test
un fou / and shut the door on me.”
There seems to be considerable swin
dling done in the oyster trade. The
Meat Inspector of Pittsburg has been
investigating the subjeot, and from his
report the Pittsburg Pott publishes the
following:
“One gallon of oysters which oost ninety
oonts weighed three pounds and seven ounces
less than it should have weighed, and contained
39 39-100 per cent, of water. Another gallon,
which also cost ninety cents* was three pounds
and eight ounces short in weight, and con
tained 40 per cent, of water. Still another
gallon, which cost sl, contained 14 44-100 per
cent, of water. A gallon of oysters should
weigh eight pounds and twelve ounces. The
Inspector also submitted a statement showing
that from August 25, 1880, to April 5, 1881, 60,-
000 gallons of oysters and been received and
sold in the two cities. Btroet peddlers sold 9,-
500 gallons, to which they added 7,125 gallons
of water or 75 per cent. Of the balance re
ceived retail dealers sold 5,800 gallons, to which
they added 2,175 gallons of water or 87>$ per
cent. Wholesale dealers added 12>£ percent, of
water. To the entire 60,000 gallons of oysters,
14,664 gallons of water or 24 44-1000 per cent,
was added.”
If this is the case among oyster deal
ers at Pittsburg, the probability is that
tlie'same practices are generally indulged
elsewhere.
PRIYATEERIKG.
Operations Daring the Eighteenth Crs*
tur.v on the High Seas.
[Fraser’s Magazine.]
In former days the treasure-ships be
longed to the enemy until they became
ours by capture ; in the present age the
treasure and the ships that carry it are
English, and it is difficult to picture the
consternation in the city on healing of
the loss of some steamer bringing home
ward a rich freight of diamonds from
the Cape, or of gold from Australia.
But as we hung steadfastly to the right
of making prize of the Spanish plate
ship, it is not to be expected that any
enemy which fate may now send us wiil
waive liis claim to the English steam
ers, if only he has the power to assert
it; and against that it behooves us to be
on our guard. It seems, however, prob
able that, under the existing rules of the
Declaration of Paris, but few large
prizes will be made, such as founded
many a fortune in the last or earlier oen
turies, when international scruples did
not exist, and naval opinion was abso
lutely single as to the advisability and
even necessity of making captures and
sharing them out among the captors.
This opinion, rooted in the “custom” of
the sea. was as old as the English nation,
and had descended from the days of
Hengist and Horsa, of Harry Page—the
Arripay of the French chroniclers—of
Drake, or Frobisher,’ or Lancaster,
down to the time when Commodore
Wager took the great galleon, or Anson
gutted the Aleapulco ship.
The stories of such times seem to the
seamen of to-day, like fairy tales of
childhood, too good to be true; but
from a strictly naval point of view they
have their dark side; and it is very cer
tain that of the quarrels between senior
officers which so often disgraced our
service, a great number were due, di
rectly or indirectly, to the natural but
unclnvalrous desire of making money.
The bitter feud between Rodney and
Arbuthnot, on the coast of North Amer
ica, in 1780, was one of these. The
friendly relations between Lords St
Vincent and Nelson, which led to such
glorious results, were interrupted by a
lawsuit on their rival claims for prize
money; and the ill feeling which Nelson
and Sir John Orde entertained for each
other was at least strengthened by pe
cuniary considerations. Lord Howe’s
conduct on the “Ist of June” was
angrily criticised by many, as though he
might have rendered the victory still
more decisive had he not been over
anxious about the security of the prizes.
Sir John Jervis was similarly spoken of
after the battle of St. Vincent; and after
the battle of the Nile, the burning of
several of the prizes, whose preservation
would have taxed the efficiency of the
fleet, appeared to Nelson a measure of
very grave responsibility, as defrauding
the* men under his command of the
money to which they were justly en
titled.
The bitterness which frequently arose
oat of considerations of prize money
was undoubtedly increased by the dis
proportion*, te share of the senior officers.
Of the prizes just referred to as burned
at the Nile, Nelson estimated the share
of the Commander-in-Chief as £3,750,
of a Captain as £1,000; bat a Lieuten
ant as £75, and of a seaman as £2 4s.
Id. In the faoe of such figures, it is all
very well to talk of prize-money as
encouraging seamen to do their duty;
but its principal use was to offer great
ebanoes to the senior officers, ana its
real evil was the nrcmotaag jealousy aad
iil*wiil between the flag officers ana even
the Captain®. This, however, naval
officers would have been slow to as>
knowledge.
The Poor Set Islanders.
“ Here Ist me ask the sympathies of all
peopls for the poor South Sea Islanders
who are held as degraded slaves on the
Sandwich Islands. The other serfs can in
some way be heard. The Chinese coolies
are, perhaps, better off than they were
in China; anyway, thev are able to take
care of themselves, and they have more
than once thrown defiance in the face of
the Hawaiian Government. The Portu
gese have a sort of Consul in Honolulu
and also the Bishop of the Catholio
Church to whom they can appeal iu some
respects; the Mexicans, and there are
quite a number on the island now, have
also a Consul. Ido not know how it is
about the Norwegians and others, but
being white men they oan probably be
heard. But no hearing can alleviate
their galling servitude. They may be
simply counseled to obedience. It is
different with the South Sea Islanders.
They have no Consul, nobody to repre
sent them, and as they are ignorant of
x>th the Hawaiian and English lan
guages, they are virtually deaf and
dumb, and are driven about by signs,
precisely like beasts of burden. In
their own islands they never labored be
yond fisliing and picking cocoanuts
enough to sustain life. They were free
and independent men, subject alone to
the call of their chief. When arriving
on the plantations they find that they
must work from daylight till dark and
their food is not fit for hogs. They are
a simple, child-like race, and not being
inured to hardship they find fheir chains
cutting into them. * The mortality
among them, both on the slaves while
they are coming to the islands and on
the plantations, is frightful. They at
times die off like sheep that have the
rot. They are a sad sight as they ar
rive, and to see them with tin labels
around their necks, and numbers thereon
to designate them, as they go along, de
jected and aimless looking, is a sight
that world move any heart (not hard
ened! with pity.
*‘l will narrate a touching incident
connected with one of those poor crea
tures. He was working on one of the
other islands, got sick, and by some
means came to Honolulu to go to the
hospital The steamer on which he was
on board arrived in Honolulu on Sunday,
but the authorities took no steps
to see into the case of the
unfortunate South Sea Islander, as
people there are very careful not to
break the Sabbath. On Monday morn
ing somebody made it his business to
inform the authorities that there was
a hospital patient on board the steamer,
4nd when the proper authorities went on"
board they found the poor South Sea
Islander dead. He was literally mur
dered through carelessness, through in
human and brutal neglect. I was in
Honolulu at the time, and I only heard
one man who denounced this merciless
indifference, and that was Dr. McKib
ben, jun., who did not hesitate to name
the brutality m its proper terms. But I
can not give you a perfect picture of the
degradation that exists on the planta
tions, and of the utterly wretched condi
tion of the serfs. The dead South Sea
Islander is but one, no doubt, of many
who die like dogs, and are put out oi
sight as soon as possible. —Honolulu
Cor. San Francisco Chronicle.
Horses That Stumble.
In the matter of stumbling, Capt.
Hayes (in his book “Riding on the Flat
and Across the Country”) goes into its
theory, drawing distinctions that may
be very serviceable. He explains that
there are two kinds of stumbling. One
is really dangerous, when the horse is
either weak in the forelegs, or ciamped
in the action, or with the physical de
fect* of two straight shoalders. But
when stumbling arises from the knee
being insufficiently bent, or the toe un
duly depressed, thereby catching upon
any inequality in the ground, it may be
safely disregarded, unless the animal is
intended for show rather than use. We
may add, for ourselves, that we have
ridden excellent horses with this fail
ing ; that, frequently as they might trip
or stumble, experience told us that
they were absolutely sure-footed; but
that what we chiefly object to was, that
in cases when they were nervous, each
trip led almost invariably to a success
ion of others. That such stumbling
comes of a slovenly maimer of going
there can be no doubt.
It happens comparatively seldom in
exhilarating weather, or when the horse
has been brought fresh out of the sta
ble ; but when listless and languid, or
when fatigue begins to tell, then you
are quickly made aware of his condi
tion by his blundering. Capt. Hayes’
chapter on fiat-racing, and steeple
chasing and training will be read with
interest, even by amateurs. He backs
up his own opinions and experiences on
these subjects by communications from
well-known trainers and jockeys. As to
giving “orders” in a race, his ideas seem
to us very sensible. "With a young hand
instruction may be necessary, but if
the jockey be a fairly good one, the rid
ing should be left to ins discretion.
it is impossible to foresee all possible
circumstances, and decisions must be
taken on the spur of the moment As
for starting, he calls attention for “ get
ting off ”as quickly as possible—a mat
ter in which, though it is obviously of
paramount importance, some people
would appear to be strangely indiffer
ent As he says, “whatever distance is
lost at the start must be made up when
the horses are galloping, at which time
the effort to regain the lost lengths may
very possibly be equivalent to throwing
a wav an advantage of as many pounds.*
— Condor* Saturday BeHcttK ! * *
XtU tfooWWs ft'ft.
United States. This is more than are
fc eT) t bv any nation in Europe, Germany
having the'neareat, 8,062.221.
Tke Society Boy.
There was a little company up on Day
ton street, and during the entertainment
the hostess dragged her hopeful to the
front to “ speak a piece.”
“Come, Johnny, like a good boy, and
speak * Mary’s littl* lamb’ for the ladies
and gentlemen. ”
Johnny knew that there was remu
neration in the background, and, the
preliminaries having been arranged in
an undertone* slicked, his hair and
started in :
“ Mary had a little fleece,
its suow was tviliu' . #wA;
And every time that Mary lambed
That fleece would go to school.”
“NOw, how, Johnny,” said Ilia in other j
“you know tiiat isn’t right. Say it just
as you did tliis afternoon and I’ll—;”
here she broke into a maternal whisper,
and the inevitable nuisance turned up
again:
“ Mary had a little lamb,
Whose white was snow as fleece,
And everywhere that Mary went
That lamb would go apiece.”
‘ * Johnny, Johnny, ” chided the mother.
“ That isn’t quite right. Speak it right
this time. The ladies and gentlemen
never heard it. Now go on.”
Once more the common and inextin
guishable fraud went at it:
“ Mary had a little snow,
Its fleece was lined with white,
And everywhere the lamb would go
Mary was sure to bite.”
“What a naughty boy!” exclaimed
the proud mother, who had been train
ing the cub all the afternoon for this
display. “Nowspeak it right or mamma
won’t kiss you when you go to bed. ”
Thus prepared, the insect perpetrated
himself once more:
“Mary had a little wool,
Its fleece was lined with snow,
And evervone that Mary fleeced,
_ The white was sure to show.”
“I’m ashamed of you, Johnny, that
you don’t spealc it right. You must do
it this time or mamma will have to pun
ish you.”
“I won’t 1” bawled the urchin.
But his mother promised him some
additional candies, or buns, or clams or
something that had the great social ad
vantage of lying heavily on his stomach,
and the wretch began vo bawl:
“ Mary had a little school,
Its'snow was fleece as lamb,
And everywhere that Mary went,
You’d surely find that ram.”
Then the guests very properly inter
fered, and said it was a shame to tor
ment the sweet child. He had done no
bly, and should have his pay right off.
And his mother packed him i.if to bed
while the company found solace in the
reflection that he would probably burst
hia head before morning bawling with
The stomachache and writhing under the
nightmare.— Brooklyn Eagle.
Only One News-Stand.
There is only one newspaper in Yen
ice and one crier of papers in the streets,
and this vendor makes a noise between a
yelp and a bay—a sad but desperate
noise, as if his epiglottis had been struck
by lightning and he was about to expire
in mortal agony. I bought a Baris pa
per from him—about all he carries—but
it didn’t seem to do him any good.
The saddest thing in Venice is the ab
sence of newspapers. I have never yet
seen one in the hands of anybody but a
traveler. The red-faced Venetian sits
lazily under the half-drawn curtain that
takes the place of door to his shop,
waiting for customers, knowing nothing
of the world without; the women, bare
footed or in toe-slippers, shuffle and gos -
sip about; but no one has a newspaper
or a book ; the somber gondolier quar
rels for an extra contesimi from his pas
senger, but he never heard of America
or of England, and has never read a
word even of his own language. All are
proud of Venice, even though she is but
the dowerl ess bride of tee Adriatic; proud
that she was once conquered by Napo
leon ; proud of the church and square of
St. Marks ; proud of the palace of the
Doges, with its quaint Moorish-Gothic
architecture ; proud, for aught I know, of
the Bridge of Sighs, “a prison and a
palace on each h.nd,” which we trav
ersed yesterday* and of the horrible ma
chinery of persecution underneath, run
ning down a hundred steps into the
gloomy earth, where the early Venice
eveloped all that was devilish in man.
But Venice is a bankrupt city, only half
fed, a pauper of grass gewgaws and fili
gree, slowly returning, through gloomy
grandeur, to the quagmire from which Jit
sprung.— Venice {ltaly) Oorrespond
enoe.
ns Now.
Now the chowder's in the pot, and the
days are getting hot, and all begin to
swelter with a swelt, swelt, swelt. While
the crimson lemonade through a straw
enchants the maid, who displays a bunch
of flowers at her belt, belt, belt.
Now we wave the pictured fan, drink
the cooling black-and-tan, and we watch
the periwinkle by the surf, surf, surf.
And the tourist happy feels, as he
reads his “Puck on Wheels” while be rolls
with laughter on the turf, turf, turf.
Now our fancies, quaint and queer,
lightly turn to thoughts of besr, and the
picnic’s everlasting custard pie, pie, pie.
And we sit with pretty Nell, ’neath a
gingham umberell, gaily boomeranged
and shipwrecked by her sigh, sigh, sigh.
Now the cat begins to &coot from the
well-directed boot, and the poodle wears
a kettle on his tail, tail, tail.
Now the Vassar maidens mount every
soda-water fount, and they drink Vermil
lion water till they’re pale, pale, pale.
Now the ice-man with a smile slings
his haughty summer style, and the
plumber bows in solitude his head, head,
head. ft
Nqw tJie cpffe and cpjlars meit>
the monto-mail is felt, and the earousTn
tA& country does appear, ’pear, ’peai #
No news is this, by they are facts
all people know, for they're written by
the joker every year, year, year.— Puck.
SUBSCftIPTION~SI.6f.
NUMBER Jft-
HUMORS OF THI BAT* • v
The man who tots the mark — the oil
man who reaches out for Jane Ann’s fel
ler at two o’clock a. m.
Sweet Evelina from the sufiboattaMt
embrace of her lover cried out: “ Qvtk
me liberty or give me breath.” —Boston
Commercial Bulletin.
Old Deacon Dodson always boasted
that he was “ prepared for the worst,”
and his neighbors thought he got it
when he married his seoond wife.
They asked him if he was the best
man at the wedding. ■ u- -u,
“I don’t know as I was the best, but.
be jabers, I was as good as any of ’em r ’
Conjurors astonish an audience by
taking rolls of ribbon from their mouths,
but then it is a common thing to see a
carpi mter take hammer and nails out of
his chest.
“ I am very glad to have met you.
sir,” said Brown, politely. “ Axe you?’
replied Fogg; “ here’s a note you may be
glad to meet, also.” Brown wasn't so
powerfully glad to meet it, but he had to.
Student under examination in physios:
“ What planets were know to the an
cients ?” “ Well, sir, there were Venus
and Jupiter, and”— after a pause— “l
think the earth, but I’m not quite cer
tain.”
“Do I look anything like you, Mr.
Jones?” inquired Cauliflower. “ I hope
not,” was the reply. “ Did a man take
you for me?” “ Yes. ” ‘ ‘ Where is he ?
I must lick him.” “Oh, he’s dead. I
shot him on the spot.”
“ See there !” exclaimed a returned
Irish soldier to a gaping crowd, as he ex
hibited with some pride his tall hat with
a bullet hole in it. “ Look at that hole,
will you ? You see that if it had been
a low-crowned hat I should have been
killed outright.”
“I say Gilpin,” said ’Squire MoGill,
“who was that sandy-haired man yon
was talking with this morning ?” “ Oh,
that was Colonel Thunderpool,. of
Syracuse. He’6 a big gun in polities.”
“ Yes, I judged he was a big gun in
something ; he seemed to be such a
smooth bore.”— Marathon {N. Y.) In
dependent.
Georoie, aged four years, was playing
with his toys when his cousin Mary, and
sweet eighteen, seized him and gave him
a kiss. Georgie broke away, crying oat
‘ ‘ Sauce-box!”' * * Oh, fie,” said his mother,
“Georgie mustn’t say that.” Georgie
—“That’s what Cousin Mary said hat
self to that Tillington man last night
when he kissed her.”— Boston Journal,
A merchant once sent his oollector to
call on a debtor for some money. When
the collector returned the merohant in*
quired if he had the money. ” No t ” re
plied the youth ; “ but he told me if Fd
come in to-morrow he’d pay me. ” 44 Did
he say anything else?” asked the mer
chant. “ W-a-a-1, yes,” said the collec
tor, nonchalantly; “he said something
about ‘in his mind’s eye,* but he wasn't
speaking to me.”
An old fellow, whose daughter had
failed to secure a position as teaclier, in
consequence of not passing an examina
tion, said: “They asked her lots of
things she didn't know. Look at tha
history questions! They asked her
about things that happened before she
was born! How was sne going to know
about them? Why, they asked her
about old George Washington and other
men sfie never knew! That wee a pretty
sort of examination Y’—Etw York Even
ing Post.
Two men disputed about their povmre
of endurance, and one said testily to tha
other : “ I bet you that I can hold my
legs in boiling water longer than yon
can.” “Done,” said the other, and the
steaming water was brought. In went
the legs, Ne. 1 with an air of defianoe.
No. 2 with an edifying serenity. No. 1
began to wince, No. 2 called calmly few
the newspaper. No. 1 began to find it
intolerable, No. 2 smiled at the humor of
the paper. 44 1n heaven’s name!” at lost
exclaimed No. 1, exasperated by the
heat of the water and the coolness of his
antagonist, “what is your leg made oft”
“Wood,” seutentiously replied the
other. . .
The Marriage Life.
The marriage life is always an insipid,
a vexations, or a happy condition. The
first is when two people of no genius or
taste for themselves meet together upon
such settlement as has been thought
reasonable by parents and oonvwyaneenL
from an exact valuation of the land ana
cash of bofh parties. In this ease*the
young lady is no more regarded than the
house and improvements in purchase of
an estate ; but she goes with her fortune,
rather than her fortune with her. These
make up the crowd, and fill up the lumber
of the human race, without benefioenee
toward those below them, or respect to
those above them. The vexatious life
arises from a conjunction of two people
of quick taste and presentment, put to
gether for reasons well known to their
friends, in which especial care is taken
to avoid wbat they think the chief of
evils, poverty, and insure to them lichee,
with every evil beside*. These people
love in a constant constraint before com
pany. When they are within obeerva
tion they fret at each other’e carriage
md behavior; when alone they revue
eaoh other’s conduct
The happy marriage is where two per
sons meet and voluntarily make ehoiee of
each other, without principally regard
ing or neglecting the circumstances ef
fortune or beauty. These may still live
in tpite of adversity or sickness; the
former we may, in some measure, defend
ourself from; the other is the portion of
'our very make. ~~Sir Richard Steele.
It takee a oook to do things up brown.
True, but the organ-grinder does things
to atom.