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THE .H.ID ENGINEER. “ wi.utr i ho speaker was a ynuntj man, and as lie s|M)ke he leaped from his chair. Two men had been conversing in the same apartment, and the young man's exclamation had been caused by some thing which he had heard them say. "O. yes.” said one, ” she is to lie married to-morrow night, and it will Ir> the most excellent combination of wealth and beauty ever seen in this part of the world.” •• Hut Wiggles is such a numbskull.” •• Hut Wiggles is wealthy, and what more ought a young girl like Irene Mal travers to desire!” By this time the young man had passed out. One of the speakers touched the other. •• Do you know that young man?” ” No, indeed, not l; who is he?” ‘•That’s young Ned Alford." “ The dickens!” “ You know he has been in love with Irene for this ever so long. He come 9 up from New York every quarter to see her. 1 wonder how lie'll take this?" “Why did her father turn the girl over to Wiggles if she was engaged?" “Oh, he wouldn’t give a ilg for en gagements. lie's a surly, crusty old fellow, and don’t understand anybody's wishes but his own." As the men spoke they went out. Mr. Wiggles, the bridegroom, lived in a little town connected by railroad with Bainsford. and not more than fifty miles away. Early on the appointed morning he might have been seen wend ing his way to the railway station. As he approached an engine driver came up. “ Hound to Bainsford, sir? ’ “ Yes, sir." •• Ah, then, you're the gentleman. There's no passenger train to-dav, sir— won’t run till midnight, sir. The di rector of this road told me. sir, to be sure and get a locomotive ready for you to take you there." “ Why, isn't there a car?" said Wig gles, as the man pointed to the puffing and snorting machine. “ Please sir, no sir, there are no cars, only this locomotive." “ Humph!" exclaimed Wiggles, sol emnly, “I suppose 1 must go.” The man put his carpet-bag in. got m himself, touched a crank, and with a puli'and snort away went the engine. Mr. Wiggles at first felt a little flur ried, but after a few moments lie grew accustomed to the novelty of his situ ation, and amused himself by watching the scenery. As he looked at the land scape and noticed the telegraph posts one after the other flashing past, the strange thought occurred to his mind that he was travelling at a most fear fully rapid pace, lie, therefore, touched the engineer's arm, and prepared to speak. What was Wiggles' surprise at seeing the engineer turn and make a hideous grimace. He laughed in a sicklv manner. “ Friend," he cried, “ ain't we going rather fast?” The friend rolled tip his eyes t ill only the whites were visible. After this he turned the lips over so that a hideous red margin appeared over the whites. •• Good Lord !” cried Wiggles, “ the man is crazy!” Suddenly the man commenced danc ing violently. Then he sprang on the back of the engine, and standing on his head he put his heels against tlie tunnel and stared at Wiggles. After this he came back. “ We'll soon be there,” he said. *• Where?” gasped Wiggles. In New York.” “ New York !” •• They've got an air line from there to Raimsbury. It goes through the air. We go thump against the depot, and we vanish. Last time I went to Rauns bury I went straight on the regular track; this time I'm going to try the airline. Hey?” He poked Wiggles in the ribs. Wig gles was so paralyzed by fear that he could not utter a word. *• Perhaps, though, we had better not wait till we get into the depot. Per haps we had better run into the next train, or go off the track now. So Suiting the action to the word, the man gave a tremendous pull at the crank. Wiggles did not wait for the catas trophe. He fainted. That night the house of Squire Mal travers was crowded witli guests. In vited to the wedding they had come, expecting to enjoy the most brilliant marriage festival ever seen in this part of the world. Hut the squire wore no smile on his face. 'Fhc bridegroom had been ex pected at noon. • lie had not only not come at noon, but at dusk he still was absent. Unable to contain himself, the squire rode out to the station, lo his horror no Wiggles came. Perhaps Wiggles had arrived, and was already in the house. In vain. On his arrival there, the first person whom he met asked him where was Wiggles. Wiggles was not to be found. ‘•'Flow unfortunate," said they all. “ The scoundrel!” cried the squire, enraged at the disappointment. •• It’s my opinion that he has in tended this all along," said the bride, who, by the way supported herself with wonderfnl fortitude. This remark stung the squire to the quick, “By Jove, I'll have revenge on the rascal. I’ll- ” But the squire was interrupted by the entrance of a young man, who walked straight up to him and bowed re-poet fully. I *• Alford?" oxclaitm!* the squire. dioubWullv. VOL. II—NO. IC*. “Mr. Maltravers," said be, “you never felt any particular Affection for me. but |*erhnpsyou won't object to act reasonably now. Here you arc put in an awkward place through that villain Wiggles. Now, 1 loved your daughter long ago. and we have been engaged. You hail no right to overtook me and give her to a fellow who doesn't care a pin for anybody but himself. The company arc wondering below—the bride is waiting—the wedding must go on. Let me be the bridegroom." The squire did not get angry. He did not even pause to consider. He seized Alford's hand, slapped his back, and to the astonishment of all present, cried out: “ Alford my lad, take her. Blow me if I ain't glad that cursed nincompoop didn't come. You arc worth ten such fellows as he. Come along. Irene, dear, you won’t object, I know. Come along. Alford, give her your arm, you dog you. Come.” And the bluff old squire, heading the procession, advanced into the midst of the astounded company. A few words explained all. To the honor of human nature, the whole house rang with ap plause. The ceremony was short but decisive, and the enthusiastic company could hardly wait for it to be over. As the last amen was said, every soul crowded up to congratulate the happy pair. It leaked out in the course of a month, long after Alford and his bride had settled in New York, that the mad engineer was an old friend, who decoyed Wiggles into a car. that he merely car ried him off to the other end of the line, where the locomotive was wanted, and that his mad gestures were all dis sembled. The Wrong Bottle. From San Francisco comes a ease wholly sui generis—unmatched, so far i as we know : in his history of suicides. A forlorn wife, burdened with domes tic cares and disgusted with life, de termined to depart for a better world, and took for that purpose a bottle of corrosive sublimate from the closet where the family drugs was kept. Com posing herself carefully on the bed, she drained at one gulp a huge goblet full, dropped the glass to the floor, and then folded her hands on her breast, await ing death. She had anticipated the most excruciating pain, as the terrible corrosive substance should act upon her inwards, and marveled greatly to find instead a sensation of delicious bliss stealing over iier whole system. Her spirit was wonderfully exalted, her visions rose and roamed at will through nil tiie gladsome memories of her hap py past. It seemed to her as if the veil of the future life was rent, and that her spirit already floated in para dise. “ I had not dreamed,” said she, speaking with difficult}’, for her voice was failing fast, and her utterance was dogged. “ I had not dreamed that death was so eashy. Oh Death ! where ish thy sting? Oh grave ish victory?' At this juncture her husband suddenly entered, and exclaimed: •• What in the creation are you do ing. Molly? What is your face so red about?” “ Goo'by, Richard. Goin' die. Mosein in heaven ready. Taken croshsive subtl'te Forgive you every thing," “ Corrosive thunder." exclaimed the unfeeling spouse, “ Why that's ten dol lar brandy. I stuck that label on ’cause l knew you would drink it if 1 didn't." Let's drop a veil over the touching scene. The wife has concluded to live, but still insists that she was in para dise. “ 1\ IV. Poison.” Detroit Free Vre**. Women can't read a boy’s nature as men can, and they might as well own to it. The Sibley street mother who yes terday sent her bov to a drug store with a bottle and a scaled note imagined that she was sharper than the serpent’s tooth when she wrote to the druggist: “ Send me half a pint of port wine, and write on the label ‘P. W —Poison.’” The druggist followed orders, and when the hoy got outside he tore oil' the wrapper and read the label: “P. W. —poison,” he mused, as lie walked along —“wonder what that is? P. W. doesn’t stand for bed-bugs, and 1 know it, and it doesn't mean rat®, cither. P. W. can’t be hair-dve, nor scalp-wash, and I’m going to touch my tongue to it.” He touched. It tasted so good that lie took a sip, and meeting three or four boys just then, the crowd entered a 1 umber-vurd and P. W.VI the contents of that bottle till only a gill was left. Then one of the lads ran home after a dipper of water, filled up the bottle, and the Sibley street boy trotted homewards, whispering: “ P. W. means purtey weak, and if she finds it so she musu’t blame nobody but the druggist.” “Master at home?” “No, sir, he s out.” " Mistress home?” “ No, sir, she’s out.” “ Then 111 step in and sit by ihr; (ire.” " That’s out too, -Jr.” HARTWELL, (5A., WEDNESDAY. DECEMBER l’>, 1877. The Education of the I*resldents. The Syracuse University llrrnitl has made up the following, table of 1 “resi dents and their places of education, which is of interest: Washington—(food English education, but never studied the ancient languages. Adams—Harvard. Jefferson —William and Mary. M udisou— Princeton. Monroe —William and Mary. Adams —J. Q.—Harvard. Jackson—Limited education. Van Huron —Academic education. Harrison—Hampden Sidney College. Tyler—William and Mary. Polk—University of North Carolina. Taylor—Slightest rudiments. Fillmore—Not liberally educated. Pierce —Bowdoin. Buchanan —Dickinson. Lincoln—Education very limited. Johnson —Self educated. Grant—-West Point. Monroe And Harrison did not gradu ate. Monroe left college to join the revolutionary army. Financial reverses deprived Harrison of a full course. Folk was the oldest when graduating, being 23 ; Tvler, the youngest, 17. The majority graduated at 20. this being the average age. Jefferson probably bad the most liberal education and broad est culture. If is said that bis range of knowledge would compare favorably with that of Burke. The drill at West Point may be considered equal to a college course, and in many respects superior. In discipline and mathe matical training, it is not equalled by any American college. Counting Gen eral Grant, two-thirds of our Presidents have been college men. To be sure, the two whose names have become household words, 'Washington, the Father, and Lincoln, the Martyr, were not liberally educated ; but theirs were special missions. They live in the af fections of the nation rather than in the intellect, as embodied in the Constitu tion and laws. Theirs was to execute, not to mould. A Hard Head. Xctc York Time*. When the present illustrious Captain Riggan was a mere boy, his father owned a merino ram that was known far ami near for the excessive hardness of his skull, and the terriblencss of his butting quali ties. Captain Riggan took butting lessons for six years under that rani Never did tutor turn forth a more finished pupil. But the scholar at length proved too much for the master. Young Riggan was in the habit of going olf to a meadow every morning and having a “set to” with that old ram. fine day he went out, as usual, and seeing a large crack in the meadow fence, he stuck his head through, and bleated. That made the old ram rambunctious, and he fetched a butt at Riggan's head. But Riggan quickly drew back, and let the ram rain his rampant head ram up against the fence. Young Riggan was delighted with the trick and repeated it several times, to the great discomfiture of his ramship. But it happened that the crack in the fence was not the same size all the way along the panncl, and so. one time, Riggan got his head through and wiggled his neck into a narrower part of the crack before he bleated. The fierce merino caine charg ing down upon him, and Riggan tried to withdraw his cranium as lie had done be fore. But his cranium wouldn't withdraw. The old ram had him dead. There was no one stirring in that part ef the farm. It was about ten o'bloek in the morning, and from that hour till four in the afternoon not a sound broke the monotonous stillness of the lonely spot except the regularly repeated blow* of the ram's skull against Riggan's. Then there was silence. No one at the house knew where the youngster was. They missed him at dinner, and searched for him every where until supper time. Then they found him. He was lying with his head still through the crack of the fence—and sound asleep. -lust on the other side of the fence lay the old merino ram—stone dead ! He had butted himself to deatli against the adunmtine skull. A good story is told of :i country merchant who agreed to take n fanner's oats at forty cents a bushel if the latter would let him tramp the measure when filled. The farmer agreed to it. The buyer paid for sixty bushels, and the next day went after them. The farmer filled the half bushel, and then the mer chant got in and tramped them down. Whereupon the farmer poured the com pressed oats into the bag. The mer chant protested, demanded that the measure should lie filled tip alter tramp ing. The farmer informed him that there was no agreement of that sort, but that he might tramp down the oats to his heart’s content, after they were measured. A young beau, at his sister's evening party, began to sing, “ Why am I so weak and weary?” when a little brother brought the performance to a sudden close by yel ling out: “Aunt Mary says it’s cause you cotnc home so iatc and drunk most I every night Dutchman's Catechism. The following from the Time* will be appreciated by the brethren of the mys tic tie It won’t be worth the while for any one else to attempt to extract the fiin from it: Saturday Constable Bo wen found the bovs in high glee over the sport they were having with a cliup on State street, who was making des perate eflbrts to prevent the road from flying up in his face. Marching him to jail . the officer waited until Monday mottling, and then “Sow" came before Require Stearns and took a chair. The following dialogue then occurred: “From whence came you?" ‘'Veil, I vas been from der city New York ofer die New Jerusalem.” “ What came you here to do?” “I learn to subdue mine abbitites, an’ imbroof myself in brinting.” “ Then you arc a printer, l presume?" “Yaw, I’m so tooken by all of dor fellers." “ Where were you made a printer?” “Auf a regular Scandinavian brintng office." “ How gained you admission to this city ?” “ Bv good many long walks.” “How were you received?" ‘ By a Germant frient, mit a glass beer.” “ How did your friend dispose of you?" “Oh, he dook me doo tree times the city round, mit saloons in der south, mid tier west, and east, and den de officer rooms.” “ What did the officer do with you?” “ He daught me der way to dor jail in der east until my shteps was more upright un regular as before.” “ Will you he off or from?" “ Veil, ofer you should hlease, Square, I'll he off right away, quick." “ Why do you leave the east and go west ?" “ In search of work.” “ Work being the object of your search, you will descend a flight of dirty stairs, consisting of some five or several steps: turn square about, get on the level road, put out of the city, and make a plumb line for Chicago, where ! the wicked are always troublesome and , the weary are as bad as the rest." And Sev. Yeinoug is on his way to Chicago. lion Ho Judged Hie Town. About a week ago, says the Jefferson , City (Mo). Journal, a gentleman from Ten nessee. representing a capital of $30,000, in ; search of a location at which to engage in : business, gave us a call, and after stating | his mission “ West,” asked to look at our paper. Wo handed him the morning Journal. To our surprise, lie did not stop to read our newsy local “pick ups,” or our attractive editorial page, hut he turn ed at once to the advertising columns and commenced counting their spaces. “ Well,” said he. glancing up from the paper, “is that all? Is that the business of this town ?” “ Oh, no,” said we, “here is the Tri bune with a few advertisements that do not appear in the Journal.'' He then counted two additional local business advertisements in the Tribune. and ugain looked up with the remark : •• A ltd that is all, is it ? Why you havn't j got near as much of a town as 1 thought you had.” And then we explained to him that we have a great many business men who do not advertise. “ They are not business men to hurt if they don’t advertise,” was his answer. We could not contradict him. and wore powerless to vindicate the “ claims of the city.” He left tis saying if he had time lie would look around, but be thought this was no plnce for him. —.— mm A Sacred Old Relic. Detroit Flee Fret* A colored man yesterday turned auc tioneer to work off’ two old stoves for a dealer on Gratiot avenue. One was sold without trouble, but as the other “held over ” on him, lie mounted a barrel and began : *• Geni’len and women, dis ycre stove was oncede property of George W ashing- 1 ton.” A laugh of derision greeted his state ment. Singling out the biggest man in the crowd, the auctioneer asked : “ Doan’ you believe dot George Wash ington once owned dis yere stove?” •• No, sir.” •• Hat's de same as callin’ me a liah, salt, and you'll hcv to chaw detn words, salt.” He jumped down and waltzed over to the stranger, but was knocked down in a York minute. That was plenty for him, and after feeling of his head to see how much of it was left, he mounted the bar rel and called out: “ How much do I heah for dis stove— oncede property of Gin'ral Grant! Dc stove dat Washington owned was busted up doorin’ de war !” The messenger with a respite from the Governor in the case of Walter Riley, a convicted murderer, in DeKalb, Miss., ar rived after the procession had started for i the gallon s. A large crow dw as follow ing the prisoner, against whom public feelings ran high, and the sheriff knew that the ex ecution would be performed by a mob if the respite became known. Therefore he whipped up the horses attached (o the wagon in which Riley was riding, distanced the people, and got safely haek to jail. Smith hns lutd a scene at the club with another gentleman of a peppery disposi sition; blows and cards have been ex changed, a duel has been agreed upon, and lie returns to break the news to his wife. “ Miserable man !" she cried, in an ex cess of emotion, “ would you go forth and light and he brought haek to me. all shot full of holes and having your life blood spilled over the carpet y What would be come of me if you were killed ? The light of luy life would be quenched in ravless gloom, and I would he reduced to w ant and misery because nil the fortune be longs to you, and as you have made no will, when you are killed all the property will go to those miserable brats of neph ” “ Hold !" cries the husband. 44 l>o not accuse wrongfully. I have thought of ev ery contingency and arranged to secure your happiness. Should I tall all my property will become yourji. Sec! Here is my will, duly signed sealed and de livered.” The young wife seizes it, runs over its contents with anxious eyes, puts the pre cious document in her pocket, and then with the air of a Spartan matron says : ••Go! Avenge your insulted honor. Go to tight if needs he, to fall.” Here is a sensation from the Wash ington correspondents of the (‘ineiimnti Enquirer: “The rupture between the Republicans and Hayes is so complete that one Senator said to-day lie would make a prediction that within four months Samuel J. Tilden would he President of the United States. Asked how this could possibly bo, he said that the last House, after accepting the elec toral tribunal’s report, passed an over whelming resolution that Tilden had been elected President of the United States. 4 We also know,’ he said, 4 thut Tilden took the oath of office before a qualified magistrate in New York. Now, suppose the Senate passed a reso lution accordant w ith that of the House, acknowledging Tilden to he President, and at once we go into executive session and confirm Tilden’s cabinet. Won’t that be a resolution, complete and silent?’ The same Senator argued that Democratic opinion would act upon enough Democrats in the Senate and Congress to bring this about if it came to he a scheme. Emissaries act ing in Mr. Tilden’s name are in this city taking advantage of the present re markable situation.’’ “ See here, Parker, what’s the differ ence between a ripe watermelon and a rotten cabbage?” asked one letter-car rier of another the other day. “ You’ve got me there. 1 don’t know," lie returned, with a hs>k more puzzled than an illiterate man at a cross-roads guide-board. "Then you’d be a mighty nice man to send after a watermelon, you would," remarked the quizzer as he moved on.— Cincinnati Jlreakfant Table. Five and one-half miles of the Green wood brunch of the Augusta, Knoxville and (ireenwood Railroad tire already graded. 'Hie town of Anderson, S. C., has voted $50,000, the townships of An demon County over SIOO,OOO, in all 8250,000, for anew road front Ander son to Dorn’s Mines, where it will con nect with the Augusta and Greenwood Railroad. A corps of engineers have reached Augusta and begun the survey of the Augusta end of tins road. A frightful death occurred Friday night, in Columbus. The first intima tion which the victim’s friends had of bis sad fate was to find the laxly hamr ing cold and stiff, from which his vitali ty had long since taken its flight, pro bably to the “deinnition bow-wows.” The deceased had many friends, and was regarded by the neighborhood as one of the finest dogs in the city. “ Whenever you see in a story,” says a book-reviewer in one of the literary papers. “ such an expression as ‘ I vow I will,’ or ‘ 1 vow I won’t,’ you may know that a woman wrote it.” Yes, the rule is infallible. And the fact is quite as remarkable, bs>, that when you find in a story such an expression as “ darnphi do," fir “ dainphi don't,” you may know that, a woman didn't write it. I declare, in the name of Almighty God, that no inan lias the right to be wortli sloo.ooo,ooo.— Talmage. We declare, with a full realization of the awful enormity of the offence of trying to come in on brother Talmage, that we arc not guilty.— Worces ter Frees. An exchange says ; ‘ We arc in re ceipt of two poems, one, on the “Throb bing Brain,’ and another on a • Bleed ing Heart.’ We will wait until we re ceive one on the ‘ Stomach ache,' and publish all three together.” Gold was discovered in California in ISIS. WHOLE NO. 08. THE PERILS OF CHESTNUTfINU. Ihv CnroinrortabU 'i* <** ltrtrlnjr Ulrl null n Mo<ll Van#* .Wnil. There is rather more burr about a chest nut in its natural state than seems really necessary, and there is no doubt that if , the chestnut* were to grow on one tree and the burrs on another, it would be a more generally satisfactory arrangement. Still the boy who lias climbed to the top most branch of a chestnut tree, amt sees approaching in the distance the angry own er, accompanied by a large club and a sav age dog, will hastily fill the front of his jacket with unopened burrs, and grind them Dgniust his body as he slides down the tree. It cannot be denied that the female sex is virtually shut out from that pursuit. To gather chestnuts successfully involves climbing trees, and the mature woman or the full-grown girl rarely cares to incur the risks which are inaeporable from climb ing in the present fashion of lenialc dress. Nevertheless, there are infrequent and ex ceptionally daring girls wlm indulge in the hazardous amusement of secret chestnut ting, ami the experience of a Massachu setts young lady who recently climbed a chestnut tree in Berkshire County is worth narrating. The young lady in question was remark ably beautiful, and was the object of the devoted attachment of two locol young men, one of whom was a model of all pos sible virtues, while the other was a bold, bad youth, who was know n to be in the. habit of smoking, and who was currently believed to lmvc more than once visited a | cirens. Early in October this estimable young lady suborned her younger brother -aged ten —to accompany her on a clan destine chestnut bunting expedition. With the aid of a fence-rail and a zealous 44 boos ting " of her brother, site succeeded in reaching the lowest branch, from which her progress was easy. Pleased with her success, she soon grew careless, and filially ventured out upon a limb until it bent under her weight. Be i coming frightened, she lost her presence of mind and her hold, and suddenly fell. Fortunately, she did not fall far. for her skirts caught in the fork of n limb and suspended her between heaven and earth in the attitude of an umbrella which has struggled with a violent gust of wind and experienced a reverse. Her voice, though somewhat smothered by the peculiarities of her situation, could be easily heard by her astonished brother, and in accordance with her calm directions, that devoted siiihll boy instantly lied for help. Now, it so happened that each of the j voung Indy’s lovers had noticed her as she started Trom home in company with her brother, and each had independently de termined to meet her as if by accident. Thus it fell out that the first portion the small boy met as he rushed along the road wns the mild youth man, lie listened to his incoherent tale and hastened to the rescue. ! No sooner, however, did he come within sight of the tree than he promptly paused, turned his hack upon the object of Ids ndoratim, and in a faltering voice explain ed to the small boy that he thought bis sis ter would not care to have him help her, but would prefer the assistance of u vague 1 servant girl, in search of whom he pro- I fessed himself ready to start. The small hoy having no sense of deli cacy whatever, called the good young man names and said he was afraid to climb a tree, but failed to shake his resolution. So the latter started on a run to find his hypothetic servant girl, and unlike Lot’s wife, refused to look back, though the in dignant small boy sent a shower of stones after him. Meanwhile the bold bad young man was approaching the scene of action " cross-lots "at the top ot his speed. His iron nerves did not falter even when he reached the tree that temporarily bore sucli marvelous fruit. Requesting the young lady to calm herself and trust him to res cue her, he armed her brother with a knife and instructed him to climb the tree and cut. Ins sister loose. The small boy bailing with delight the opportunity to cut something, did as he was bid. and in a few moments, amid the noise of rending garments, the young lady dropped safely into the bold, bad young lover's extended arms. Half un hour af terward eleven women, bearing live step ladders, approached the tree, while the good young man waited behind the bushes to receive his rescued mistress. It is need less to say that he was disappointed, ami his disappointment was still greater when he wns subsequently told that she was to be married at an early day to his bold, bad rival. Thus we see that, as Solomon might have said, there is a time for step ladders and a time for decided action, and that the bold young man gathers his bride from a chestnut troo, while tho simple minded man flees afar off and howls for servant girls who are useless, and for step ladders which satisficth not. A Kentucky man who wont to the Black Hills wrote back to a local paper, say ing : •• Offer a premium at your coming fair for the biggest fool in the country, and I'll try and get there in time.” A little boy was asked if he knew where the wicked finally went to. He answered that they practiced law here awhile, and then go to the Legislature. “.lames William, when you were in the South, did von happen to see such a thing as a woolen mill?” “O yes, sir. I often saw the darkies fighting.” The agricultural population of Geor gia is 900,000 souls, and the number of acres in cultivation is a trifle over 000,000. Hurrah for Franklin County !