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THE HUMORS 0F POLITICS.
BY J. W. HATTON.
Smith ami Brown —their real name*
have slipped my memory—were second
or third-rate politicians, living in the
mountains of Tennessee.
Smith was a Democrat—“ the stan
dard-bearer” of his party for the State
Senate. “ Fidelity to principle,” and a
number of other praiseworthy motives,
had impelled the patriotic Smith to of
fer himself a sacrifice upoti the altar of
duty. He could hope for little less’than
immolation, as the Whig majority in
his district was seldom less than a thou
sand votes.
Brown was a thorough politician. lie
left nothing to chance. He resolved to
make the canvass red-hot. It was well,
for the energy and cunning of Smith
knew no bounds.
The district was composed of three
counties, two of which were Democratic
by small majorities, while the third was
Whig by over a thousand.
Trusting to the fidelity of his party
in the Whig stronghold, Brown turned
his attention mainly to the Democratic
counties, in one of which both compet
itors lived.
In the midst of the canvass, Smith
heard of a big barbecue at a famous
spring down in the Whig county, and,
without saying a word to Brow n, heslip
ped off and attended the political feast,
where he took occasion to make one of
his most thrilling speeches.
He returned in the uigiit in order to
deceive Brown, who had not missed him
from the canvass.
After working up the Democratic
counties, Smith and Brown mutally
agreed to address the citizens of the
Whig county on a certain day, the ap
pointment being at the eve of the elec
tion. The speaking was extensively ad
vertised, and a large crowd assembled to
hear them spout about the tariff, na
tional banks and internal improvements.
Except the sly visit of Smith, a few
weeks previous, both men were strangers
to the people of the county.
On the way to their appointment,
Smith assumed a sad and dejected air.
He had taken a back seat in the vehicle,
where he sat with his face buried in his
hands. When rallied by Brown, he
finally unbosomed himself as follows :
“ I was thinking,” said he, “of a very
shabby trick I played on you a few
weeks ago. I heard there was going to
be a big barbecue at the jGum Spring,’
and, without saying a word to you, 1
slipped off and attended it. I spoke to
over a thousand people, and I handled
you pretty roughly. I have felt bad
about it ever since.”
“Oh, well,” said Brown, “that’s all
right. We will settle that score to-mor
row.”
“ You may say it’s ‘ all right,’ Brown,
but I say it is not all right. I lied to
those people in a most shameful manner
—slandered you outrageously in that
speech.”
“ What did you say about me?”
“ I told those people that you had a
negro wife and five mulatto children.”
Brown’s first impulse was to strike
Smith, but the latter appeared so humil
iated and penitent his heart failed him.
After a moment’s reflection lie said :
“ Smith, you have done me a great in
jury ; I expect you to make amends to
morrow by acknowledging to those peo
ple that you have lied.”
“ I’ll do it, Brown! I'll do it, if God
lets me live to see the light of another
day!”
They drove on in silence; neither
cared to allude to the subject again.
Brown spoke first on this important
occasion. He discussed the leading
topics of the day, and closed with the
“Guru Spring” speech of Smith, and
“ the disgraceful, slanderous lie he had
palmed off on an unsuspecting public.”
The audience pricked up their ears,
expecting to see a fight, for in those days
it was equivalent to a knock-down to
call a man a liar.
Smith sprung to his feet, and, assum
ing a defiant attitude, said :
“‘Mr. Brown, did I understand you to
say I lied on you in my Gum Spring
speech?”
“ You did, sir! You told those peo
ple that I had a negro wife and five mu
latto children!”
“ Lord, what a lie !”
Did you not tell me, as we came along,
that you had thus lied in your Gum
Spring speech?”
“ Gentlemen, the man must be crazy;
lie must be clear gone ravin’ distracted!
If he is really guilty of the crime men
tioned (by himself —not me—no, sir, not
me), lam truly sorry! but never, never
did I, directly or indirectly, allude to
the gentleman's public or private nib-
VOL. Ill —NO. 23.
fortunes. I have never spoke of him
but to praise. 1 appeal to this audience,
many of whom heafd my Gum Spring
speech, if I spoke one harmful word of
the gentleman on that occasion. Hav
ing never mentioned this matter, pub
licly or privately, it stands to reason that
I never made such a ridiculous confes
sion to him. If there is a man within
the sound of my voice who ever heard
me say aught in disparagement of Mr.
Brown’s character, let him speak. I
pause for a reply. Gentlemen, I stand
acquitted before God and man, of this
foul charge of slander. It now devolves
on my opponent to prove to this intelli
gent and respectable audience that he,
too, is innocent. He has either misrep
resented me, or else he has accused him
self of a crime that should cause him to
blush and hide his face forever from the
sight of men of pure blood and souls
unsoilecl by base associations.
Brown took the stand and labored
hard to demonstrate to the audience that
Smith had either lied about him, or to
him, but all in vain. They believed
that he was either guilty of miscegena
tion or of telling a very silly and dis
gusting falsehood.
It was too late for him to vindicate
himself to the satisfaction of his party
and he was defeated —beaten by the
votes of men who honestly believed that
he had either lied on Smith or else was
the father of five mulatto children.
Columbia, Mo.
G. Dub as a llorse Doctor.
Athens Chronicle Spice Box.
A certain lawyer owned a very fine
span of horses, which did not appear
to thrive. Meeting G. Dab, who
knows everything, he stated his case :
“ I have, as you know, a very fine pair
of horses, but somehow, they do not
look well; they are thin, and the hair
does not lie smooth. I have tried all
sorts of horse powders, copperas and
sulphur, and other things that have
been recommended to me. But with it
all, they do not look as well as 1 de
sire. I wish you would tell me what,
in your judgment, would be best.”
“ Well,” said G. Dub, “have you
ever tried corn for them ? its powerful
good when they git in the fix yon talk
about.”
“ Oh, }’es,” promptly replied the law
yer. “ I feed them amply.”
G. Dub has a peculiar whistling
sound that he makes when about to
give any specially wise counsel —it is
more forcible than any oratorical flour
ish the “ spice grinder” ever saw. He
made this sound, and taking the lawyer
by the sleeve, said in his own oracular
maimer: “You know, on the eend of
each corn cob, thar's a leetle eend wliar
the grains is faulty. Now, if once a
day, you will git these out of their
trough and rub ’em all over with ’em,
they’ll git fat, and their hair’ll turn the
right way, and look jist as sleek and
glossy as you want it.”
The lawyer meeting G. Dub after
wards, said he had never been able to
find any of these ends. “That's just
what I expected,” said G. Dub. “When
you give a horse enough corn, he will
leave them, but if you don’t give him
as much as he wants, he will eat the
last durned eend up. You must rub
him with them eends if j’ou want them
to look well.”
Blue Ridge Echo : Aunt Jenny Shel
ton, colored, of Cleveland, Ga., is no
doubt the oldest person in the State.
Is certainly a curiosity. She was born
in North Carolina about the year 17G0,
as well as can be accounted for. Old
gray-haired sires, say, when they were
quite small boys, Aunt Jenny was an
old woman. She has now arrived at
the ripe old age of 118. But this is
not all; she still retains the agility of
her youngar days to a great degree.
Has not a living relative on earth —she
has outlived them all.
Boston Transcript: A lady taking
tea at a small company, being very
fond of hot rolls, was asked to have
another. “ Really, I cannot,” she mod
estly replied : “ I don’t know how many
I have eaten already.” “ I do,” unex
pectedly cried a juvenile upstart, whose
mother has allowed him a seat at the
table. “ You’ve eaten eight: I've been
countin’ 1”
/ 1 'j'f
Boys anil Pistols.
One real boy is so important a part
of the household that we must copy
what that famous out-in-the-woods
preacher, “ Jaek-iu-the Pulpit,” says
about “boys and pistols” in the St.
Nicholas for January:
“I never could understand,” the Dea
con said, “ why a boy should carry ft
pistol. A pistol is a very peculiar fire
arm ; it is made for a very peculiar
purpose. It is quite natural for some
boys to want rifles or shot-guns, with
which they may kill game ; but a pistol
is intended to kill human beings, and
this is about all that it is good for.
There arc very few boys in this country
who could shoot a bird or a rabbit with
a pistol, and any one who should go out
hunting with a pistol would be laughed
at. This being the ease, why should a
boy waut a pistol ? What human
beings would be like to kill ?
“It is useless to say that he may
need his pistol for purpose of defence.
Not one boy in a thousand is ever
placed in such a position that he need
defend himself with a pistol. But it
often lias happened that boys who car
ried loaded pistols thought that it would
be a manly thing, under certain circum
stances, to use them, and yet, when the
time came and they killed somebody,
they only brought down misery on
themselves and their families. And
this, too, in many a case where, if no
one present had had a pistol, the affair
would have passed off harmlessly, and
been soon forgotten.
“ But the way in which boys gener-
take human life with pistols is some
accidental way. They do not kill high
waymen and robbers, but they kill their
schoolmates, or their brothers, or their
sisters, or, in many eases, themselves.
There is no school where boys are
taught to properly handle ami carry
loaded pistols, so they usually have to
learn these things by long practice.
And while they are learning, it is very
likely that some oue will be shot. I
saw in a newspaper, not long ago, ac
counts of three fatal accidents, all of
which happened on the same day, from
careless nse of fire-arms. And one of
these dreadful mishaps was occasioned
by a lad who carried a loaded pistol in
his over coat pocket, and who carelessly
threw down the coat.
“ And then, again, a boy ought to be
ashamed to carry a pistol, especially a
loaded one. The possession of such a
tiling is a proof that he expects to go
among vicious people. If he goes into
good society, and has honest, manly
fellows for his companions, he will not
need a pistol. A loaded pistol in a
boy’s pocket is not only useless and
dangerous, but also it almost always
stamps him as a bad boy, or one who
wishes to associate with bad boys and
vicious men.”
Adam’s Marriage.
We like short courtships, and in this
Adam acted like a sensible man—he
fell asleep a bachelor, and awoke a
married man.
lie appears to have popped the ques
tion almost immediately after meeting
Miss Eve, and she, without flirtation or
shyness, gave him a kiss and herself.
Of that first kiss in the world we
have our thoughts, however, and some
times in a poetical mood wished we
were the man that did it.
But then it is done, the chance was
Adam’s and he improved it. We like
the notion of getting married in a gar
den. Adam’s was private.
No envious aunts and grumbling
grandmothers. The birds of the heav
ens were the minstrels, and the glad
sky flung its light on the scene.
One thing about the first wedding
bring queer thoughts to us in spite of
its scriptural truth.
Adam and his wife were rather young
to marry ; some two or three days old,
according to the sagest elder, without
experience, without a house, a pot or
kettle ; nothing but love and Eden.
A colored preacher in Norwich some
time ago gave out the following an
nouncement : “ Brothers and sisters,
next Sunday, the Lord willing, there
will be a baptising in this place, the
1 candidates being four adults and three
adultrcsses 1”
HARTWELL, GA., WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 1871).
Brother Gnrilnci N Views.
Detroit Free Fiem,
“Gen’lem, if you see a pusson rush
in' ’roun’ de world enveloped in a dia
mond pin an’ an ulster, am dat any
sign dat lie pays taxes, rents a church
(lew, an' brings bis chillnn up in de way
dey should go?"
Brother Gardner looked down upon
sixty-four faces in the orchestra chairs,
but m.t a voice responded.
. “ When you see a pusson seated in
a sky-blue cutter, pushin' de lines over
a last horse an’ lookin’ outer his left
eye as if he had the bulge on all de cor
ner lots in town, am dat any sign data
siugle grocer would trus’ him for a box
of sa’dines and a peck of carrots?”
The elder Toots heaved a deep sigh,
and Huckleberry Jones silently scratch
ed his off leg below the knee.
“ When a man takes up fo’ seats in
de kyar, pushes folks aroun' on de mar
ket, elbows armin’ de City llnll, an’ gits
de fust place at de stamp-window in
I de postofllce, am dat any sign dat when
lit came to do pull he’d give half a dol
lar's worth of wood to keep an orfan
assylum from freezin to death? Doan’
you black folks git dust, in yer eyes !
Dnr'sa heap of sand an’ sawdust indis
wtiorld dat passes for sugar to de man
walkin’ by, but when you coine to de
pinch de sugar ain't dar. De saw-dust
bulges up an’ de sand creeps out, an’
you am dis'pinted an’ disgusted. It’s
kinder hard to hev to eat cold t urnips
when you know dat de fam’ly nex'
doah am luxuriatin’ on sweet cake an’
turkey, but if de turnips am paid for
you needn’t fear for your digestion. I
expeck dat de h’araftcr am de biggest
fing enny of us hav got to work fur;
an’ I tole you, brudders, dat big seal
rings an’ pants out twenty-two inches
across de kull am nowliar, longside of
a kind wont nn’ an houeut heart.”
A Bisk.
Waeerly Magazine.
In entering the married state, the
most discerning of men or women run a
great risk. If we are unfortunate, we
can blame no one but ourselves. We
had the choice of accepting or refusing ;
we elected to do the one thing as against
the other; and who but ourselves is to
blame if we suffer for it? That silly
girl, who might have married so well —a
man whom everyone respects, whose
character stands high, whose temper is
perfect and means sufficient; but who
preferred instead of respect and compe
tency a handsome rascal without either
money or character —and preferred him
in spite of all that father or mother
could say —who is to blame when the
dark days fall on her, as all who knew
foresaw they would fall —and she finds
herself the half starved wife of a needy
gambler, the anxious mother for chil
dren for whom she has neither bread
nor clothing, neither health nor educa
tion? And again, if the chink of gold
sounded more pleasant than the songs
of love, who but herself chose the man
whom she did not love because he was
rich, throwing over the one whom she
did love because he had only prospects
which courage and intellect would trans
late into possessions before many years
had passed? That she is unhappy with
her wealthy snob when she might have
been so happy with her poorer gentle
man is the result of her own choice.
The marriage ceremony is not written in
water; and when we say “ I will,” we
have to make the best of it —or the
worst; which is but a sorry way of going
back on our choice and cutting the knot
which we cannot untie.
Dan’s Words.
One evening, while passing down the
street from my school-room to my home,
at the side of the road I met some boys
who were praying at marbles. One lit
tle fellow shouted out that it was his
time to shoot his marble. All the other
boys seemed to think that it was not,
and tried to prevent him, when an
Irish boy, who was leader of the game,
said:
“ Let him shoot.”
The boy shot the marble, and a shout
from the crowd told that he had failed.
Then the Irish boy said :
“ 1 knew he'd miss, for he lied about
it.”
I thought, as I walked on home, of
what a good lesson that boy had taught
WHOLE NO. 127.
me. What a good lesson it was for in
all. Stick to thetinth, boys and girls,
and good will be sure to follow. When
ever you are tempted to do something
wrong, to do some little act or say
some little word that is not perfectly
true and honest, think of the Irish boy’s
words.
The Bible says that nothing that tells
or makes a lie can enter heaven. Fight
these little sins now, and after awhile
it will bo easy to stick to the right.
But then, you know there is a Friend
we always need to ask to help us, even
in the little things that happen every
day. If we will let this Friend come
into our hearts, then we shall grow to
be true, honest men and women.— Belli 1
Span \
Stretch it a Little.
A little girl and her brother were on
their way to the ragged school one cold
winter morning. The roofs of the houses
and the grass on the common were white
with frost, and the wind very sharp.
They were both poorly dressed, but the
little girl lmd n sort of coat over her,
which she seemed to have outgrow n.
As they walked briskly along she
drew her little companion up to her say
ing :
“ Come under my coat, Johnny.”
“It isn’t big enough for both,” lie re
plied.
“Oh, but I can stretch it a little,” she
said ; and they w ere soon ns close togeth
er and as warm us two birds in the same
nest.
How many shivering bodies and heavy
hearts and weeping eyes there are in
the world, just because people do not
stretch their comforts a little beyond
themselves!
A touching story of a child’s heart is
Uihi by M 4 Pittsburg telegraph. A
young man who had been on a three
days’ debauch wandered into the read
ing room of a hotel, where fie was well
known, sat down, and stared moodily
into the street. Presently a little girl
of about ten j’ears came in and looked
timidly about the room. She was
dressed in rags, but she had a sweet,
intelligent face that could scarcely fail
to excite sympathy. There were five
persons in the room, and she went to
the gentleman spoken of and asked
him for a penny, adding, “ I haven’t
had anything to cat for a whole day.”
The gentleman was out of humor, and
he said crossly : “ Don’t bother me ! go
away! I haven’t had anything to eat
for three days.” The child opened her
eyes in shy wonder and stared at him
for a moment, and then walked slowly
toward the door. She turned the knob,
and then, after hesitating a few seconds,
walked up to him, and gently laying
the five cents she had received on his
knee, said with a tone of true girlish
pity in her voice, “ If you haven’t had
anything to cat for three days you take
this and go and buy some bread. Per
haps I can get some more somewhere.”
The young fellow blushed to the roots
of his hair, and lifting the Sister of
Charity in his arms kissed her two or
three times in delight. Then he took
her to persons in the room and to those
in the corridors and the office, and told
the story and asked contributions, giv
ing himself all the money he had with
him. He succeeded in raising over
S4O, and sent the little one on her way
rejoicing.
A respectable but poor widow was
recommended to the attention of a
fashionable, would-be charitable lady,
and at a benevolent meeting, of which
the lady was President, the widow was
introduced. The lady threw a hurried j
glance at her and asked : “ llow many ;
children have you ?” “Three, madam.”
The President turned to talk to some
of her fellow members, and forgot .the
waiting applicant. About a quarter of
an hour afterwards she turned suddenly
and asked: “llow many children?”
The woman looked at her a moment
and replied : “ Madam, sometime ago I
had the honor to inform you that I had
three, and since that time no more have
been born, to my knowledge.” And
with a polite but indignant bow. the
woman quitted the room, leaving the
lady patroness horror-stricken at her
1 boldness.
ARE WE NOT RIGHT?
Warrentim Clipper.
1
We said in a former i-sue that it is a
sort of universal wish that Joe Brown
he called buck to the Executive Chair
of Georgia. We did not nominate him,
as some of our contemporaries declaro
but seconded the necessity of having
such a w ise and thrifty man.
Since writing that leader we have had
many to express their sanction of the
position we took. It is true some have
misinterpreted our allusion to Gov. Col
quitt. We never insinuated even, that
Governor Colquitt was guilty of any
crime. W e even avoided the discussion
of any error in a technical sense; nor
are we under the control of any person
or persons in the slightest degree.
Our views are rarely ever known be
fore they appear in print.
Wo repeat now and for all time that
we need a Governor of ability. We are
by no means wedded to any particular
man, but mentioned Joe Brown and Bob
Toombs in order to give ample room for
elasticity in the coming canvass, nnd be
cause the masses want Joe to be Gov
ernor again.
The legislature has passed an act to
prevent further repetition of the Mur
phy case. The act is, private contracts
can now be as readily made as before.
The only remedy for this evil, is to have
an executive of ability, peerless if pos
sible, and not less the peer of any, when
the less must be taken. It seems to bo
the plan of designing men to have our
State Executive ns well ns our National,
made up of good, clover, ordinary ma
terial. Of course this always opens the
way for the most profitable trnflic in of
ficial circles. The more honest nnd un
suspecting the man, tho better; because
it invariably palliates crime as in the
late case of signing the N. E. It. It.
bonds; as far as relates to Murphy and
Hill. This case is by no means all; it
is but the overflowing of the banks of
excited waters, crazed by the vast liberty
they had gained. Such speculation
must be rebuked; wc must have a Gov
ernor who follows his own inclination
with quite as much safety, as to follow
the counsel of others. Why have an
Executive at all, if he needs lean upon
the opinions of others? The Chief of a
•Sutte should Out he au infant, but a man
who can stand alone, or i-lse u huin]**<l
men may occupy the Executive Chair at
thssame time; usiug it for personal ends.
It is a clear case that no firm would
have been f'ool enough to have paid SB,-
000, to any one to influence an Execu
tive, if they did not believe such influ
ence could be exerted. Gov. Colquitt
did not follow bis own convictions and
inclinations l , but the convictions of oth
ers', ami was therefore influenced.
Some of our contemporaries think we
arc not sincere in our opposition to de
nominational issues in elections. We
assure our brethren that we do believe,
that the presumptious spirit of putting
men into office on account ef creed
should be rebuked at the ballot-box.
This spirit is seizing the colorod people
and the corruption to which it may lead
is incalculable. The Church and State
arc different in letter, but practicably
united in spirit.
There is one more evil that needs cor
rection ; and that is rotation in office.
As for ourself wc are for a wise man from
whatever section of the State.
Does this mean division? we reply it
does not. True Democracy is impene
trable, and therefore indivisible. How
then can we divide over a principle that
seeks to plant the flag of wisdom and
tolerance on every official position in the
land? It will rather cement us.
Gen. Mite Snubbs the President.
Wuttniiujton Leader.
Here is the unkindesl cut his Excel
lency hai received yet. On Friday the
Midget t, now on exhibition here, were
to have called on the President, but it
seems their manager made the engage
ment without consulting them, and
when he came to take them to the
White House, Gen. Mite and his wile
both “ got on their ears,” and refused
to go a peg. The General said he was
a Democrat, and he’d “ be damned if
he stirred a step.” He and his wife
together weigh about 15 pounds.
“ How on earth do you manage to get
along so well ? I thought that only a
few years ago you were over head and
ears in debt.” “ Oh, those were old
debts ; I never pay old debts.” “ But
your new ones ?” “ I let them get old.
A petition is circulating in Berrien
county to have the legislature pass an
act to abolish the sale of liquor in that
county.
! Look out for St. Valentine.
Much marrying reported.