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VOL. m.-NO. 42. Cjjf Hamilton Disitor J). W. D. BOULLY, Proprietor. CASH SUBSCRIPTION KATES. One ropy one year £2 00 One oopv six months 1 00 One copy three months <5 Any one furnishing five suhreribers, with the money, will receive a eopy free. Subscribers wishing their papers chanced fvmn oSe po t office to enother, mn't state the nn-ne of the po, t office from which iliey wisli it changed, as well as that to which they wish it sent. All subscriptions must he pud in anvance. The paper will he stopped at the end of the time paid for, unless subscriptions arc pre viously renewed. Fifty numbers complete the year, CASH ADVERTISING RATES. lj rAC g l too 3 nios 6 mos 12 nuw finch - $2"&0 SfiTTiO $ 6 00 £ 10 00 2in hes 450 725 11 00 18 00 B inches . 500 900 15 00 22 00 a inches . 550 11 00 18 00 27 00 } column.. 650 14 00 25 00 35 00 I column.. 12 50 25 00 40 00 00 00 1 column,. 22 00 41 00 62 00 100 00 jaMani'ces an'l deaths not exceeding six lines will be published free. Payments to he made quarterly in advance, gecordinv to schedule rates, unless other wise 1 u n^n. pefrt.-intt sending advertisements. will plate the le gth of time tbev wish (hem published and th “ spare they won! them to oc-ainy. Parties advertising by contract will he re -listed to their legitimate business. J Croat, advertisements. Sheriff's sales, per iorh, four weeks. . .£3 50 *' mortgage fi fa sides, per inch, eight we-U s ° oO Citdi m for letters of ailmioistrr.mn, gn.r ians-hin, etc., thirty days 3 00 Notice to de'itois and creditors of an estate, forty davs 0 00 Armli tinu for leave to sell 1 mil, four g*iee of land, etc., per in h, forty days 5 00 “ “ perishable property, per inch, ten d* vs •/•••**■ * ion for letters ofoinji-> ion from pm'dianshin. forty davs o ou Application for letters of dismission ft om administration, three monl-ha 7 °° Establishing lost pnpern the. full space of ihree months, per inch < 00 Compelling titles from executors or ad ministrators where bond Ims been given hr the de- emel. the full space of three mouths, per mch 7 06 Eravn tire. thirty days 3_oo Bu e for foreclosure of mortgage, four months, men hlv, per limb. 0 00 B<le of insolvent.papers, thirty days. • • a 00 Homestead, two weeks (| 0 t.xessi&i Qatar g3Lgg i_i- JTein.ik.ixis, .Aru A4. DEN £■ • ; TIST, HAMILTON, HA. 7770A'. S. MITCHELL , JL 7>., Resident Physician and Surgeon, HAMILTON GEORGIA Special attention given to opeiative surgery IPB- Terms Osh f PRESTON GIBBS, S SURGEON and PHYSICIAN, Hamilton, Ga. Will he found at the hotel or the store of AV H John.-ton unless professionally enaaged. ~CHATTAHOOCHEE HOUSE , By J.T.HIGGINBOTHEM. WEST POINT, GA ALONZO aTDOZIEK,j Attokney and Counselor at Law, COLUMBUS, GA. Pradices in State and Federal Courts in Georgia and Alabama. Makes Commercial Law a specialty. Office over C. A. Redd & Co’s store, Columbus. Ga. dec4-ly Hines Dozier, ATTORNEY-AT LAW, HAMILTON, GEORGIA Will practice in the Chattahoochee Circuit, or anvwhere else. Office in No> thivc.-t corner of the Court-house, up-ft'jirs. janß Columbus Dental I Rooms, W. T. POOL, Proprietor, Georgia Homn Btiiltlintr rdrmbns Ga KAN KINPIOTJSE COLUMBUS, GA. Mbs. F. M. GRAY, Proprietress J. A. Setafrs, ’Clerk. ' G. A. KffiHSE, MERCHANT TAILOR, 134 Broad St., rolnmbns. Ga, ffw on hand n har '••'-m- ■ rtmont of Gen* ♦]*-rneu’ Press Goods. Eng T-h ari “ French <js-rimeres, Vestings, etc. Cutting done st r.:a:Ona!,!e r.-.ie . Have your cl: tfesmarte V.y me and I cuar antoo perfect gati-factiou instyle and price. HOUSE AND SIGN PAINTING. I am now prepared to do any kind of Paint - in? —House. Ken or Ornamental. I can mend your Umbrellas and Parasols, and make them as good as new. Prices low. Give me a trial. My shop i- O uposde the market-home. Columbus. Ga. junll-6m W, D. SMITH, Natural Artist. Hamilton I!® Visitor. i From ilie Franklin News. A FAMILY ROW. BY SANDY HIGGINS. Somewhere in the course of my varied and extensive reading I have met with something like this: ‘ 1 When m trrlecl folks fall out, If I poke in my snout, 1 nr sura to get it tweaked for my pains.” Now that may not be much in the way of poetry, but its blamed good sense, which is much more to the purpose. Women are curious insti tulions, any way. They and their husbands will fall out and fight like cals, but if a stranger takes her pan she’ll forget everything and give him a dig in the l ibs with the first thing that comes handy, from a bodkin to a fire shovel. I think they do this, partly to be contrary, and partly to show their husband’s that they are some themselves. Be that as it may, the fact is just as I’ve stated ii, and if you don’t like my explanation you can fix up one to suit yourself. I’m not particular. I set out to tell how my habit of making a fool of myself and inter fering in matters that didn’t concern me once got me imo a pretty fair scrape, and from which I learned a very useful lesson. There lived an old man and his wife in Walton county, Georgia, by the n..rae of lira .-. i!, who were ns complete cases as were ever seen out side of a menagerie. Although they were both about seventy-five years old, they were as wiry and spiteful as two mud wasps. My private opinion was that nothing but their quarrels and spats kept them on card), for neither one was willing to go off and leave the other on earth to enjoy anything, so they kept on living for spite. I couldn’t blame (hern much either, lor they had nobody to live with them’, and what wars life worth if they couldn’t make it lively ! I happened lobe passing their log cabin one day, when I heard some very loving words passing between them, so I stepped to the side of the house and (’peeped through j a crack hoping to see some fun. The old lady was hovering about ’ the fire place while the old man sat in one corner and kept up a running fire of sharp words at her which she only noticed by an occasional reply that burnt like bo! pitch- There was a little pot simmering by the fire which I found contained hominy, while the old lady was frying some meat in a sma'l pan of the short baudled per suasion. “Old ’omen, ain’*thal hominy dun yit, for God’s Kike!” snarled the old man. “It’ll he dun when I fry it,” was snapped out in reply. “ We’ll not have it fried,” said he. “ I’ll fry it anyhow,” was the com posed answer. “ You’ll not fry narry grain,” he growled. “Do you spose I’ll wait till kingdom cum for my dinner, you confounded old witch!” “ Ef you want to cat raw corn, like anyother l og, go to the crib,” she retorted, “I’ll lry this ef you starve in a mitiii!” and she com posedly went on with her frying, “Yon will, hey?” he stormed out, and before she knew what was com ing he gathered the pot and sitting fiat down on the iloor, he placed the pot between his legs. “Now lets see you fry it,” he ex claimed in triumph, as he shoveled a ladle full of the hot corn into his toothless mouth. The old lady, though taken by sur prise was equal to the emergency. “I'll fry you you bald headed old spider!” she yelled, and dexterously turning the pan tother side up, she brought it down meat gravy and all on his turnip looking head. It sizzed like pouring water into hot grease, for the gravy was boiling hot and there was no hair in the way to catch it. With a veil like a Mohan k he sprang to his feet and danced around like a young fox with a split stick on his tail, all the time claiming at. his head like I’ve seen cats do with ho' mush in their teeth, and sputtering . a terrible rate w ith the hot corn in his mouth, and the hot gravy all ov- r his head he seated to be fixing u; £ firstrate case of hysterics. Then he dove down and lifted Dp a loose plank from the floor, and I concluded he was going down into the cellar to cool off, but I was mistaken, lie made a dash at his v e, like a blue HAMILTON HARRIS 00., GA„ FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1875. tailed hawk at a spring chicken, and before she could dodge, lie picked her up and jammed her neck cud heels through the hole, “Now, you old confounded Egyp tian,” said he, “stay thar til the house blows from over you, will you ?” So saying lie deliberately replaced the plank, and sealing him-clf on it, drew the pot to him and went to eat ing again. “You’ve got the dead wood on her now old eorn-cracker,” thought I; but wo had both mistaken the old woman’s strength and p! e\. While be was pitching the hominy down bis throat with amazing rap idity—for there were no tecih in die way—and while I was lirnk'ug the fun was over, the flooi’ suddenly bulged up as if there were a young earthquake under it, sending the old man, pol and corn into the ashes, and out she c. me, spilling like a m and c. I, her hair down, and her eyes winking forty times a minute. It was easy to see that the old boy was going to be to pay, and I eitled myself to en joy it. Before (he old man had lime lo light himself, she lit on Irm like a catamount, and the wav her nails played around his earswa deligb fid. He was game to the centre, how ever, for he was up and at it in lea than two seconds, and ihen the fun commenced in good eurne t. First he would try to close in and trip her up but she danced around too glib for him, occasionally making a rake across his face that left wolf signs wherever her nails struck. Then lie stooped and went at hc-r head ff ~ evidently intending to bait the breath out of her, but she yawed to the right, and he ran his greasy pate full till against the table, turning it over and knocking the crockery into smkhareues. Of course that m ;de him madder than ever, and he next tried to tip her over with pieces of crockery, but it was like throwing a; a bat, and every shot was a clear mi s. .She was too quick on the wing for his targe; practice, and then he made another dash at her. It w; s decidedly rich, ...id nobody there to see it. but me. P. . I w.i li eu for somebody thee to help mo enjoy it, but I was air .id to hol er for anybody, for fear I’d break tip the show'. Round and pound they had it, puffing and snarling and growling, whilst their eyes f.iiiiy turned green in their wrath. It was the f..sre-t light I ever saw, and I was evenly balanced who wou'd wlrp. At length, however, she irip ped over the table and tumbled down, and bel'oro sbe cou’d pick herself np he pounced on her with a yell, and grabbing her by The hair, commenced beating the long roll on the floor with her head. Now, I had been enjoying the fun very well up to this time, but when I saw that he was in a fair way to churn her brains iuto bulfennilk, I began to get excited. If I had held . >till like any sensible m u wou’d have done, he wou'd soon have let her up; but my gallantry, or my nat ural disposition 10 make a fool of my self, got the belter of me, and I ran into the ho.ic, and taking the o’d Turk' by the co t collar ;urned him a summerset among the no sand ! <•_ ties in the corner. Thinking there w s no danger in the old woman, I laced the old in in and was jus! be ginning to deliver a lectire. on the sweets of peace and domes lc bli , w hen -omedipg : bout the size of a fire shovel—a red-hot one, at that! i —struck me on the back of the head, ! which sent me spiimin : across the hou-e, feeling like I’d just been shot out of a volcano, and gi\i ' me a lively impression of how a man leels when his head lrw been carried off bv a bombshell. VVI ile I was pranc ing around, looking (or a good p'aee to have fi:s in, the old man, who h and got to his feet again, made ad ish at me with the pot-hooks yelling: “Git oul’n hoc, you sneakin’ cn=s! ” “ Let me git one more lick at him ! I'!! larn him to interfere between a man and wife!” screaehed (ho ohl ladv, still holding the shovel up like a flog staff. Just then I b gan to fee! 1 !,e I’d gone to a funeral, or had happened w here I w r;n’t invited, and S' I • .ood just between tb ri .'. I sud denly remembered that I w-.s needed at Lome, and with one jump 1 lit in the yard, just getting out of the m time enough for them to strike e.i.h ry. Iter with their fire arms. JJv neck ii lined me a heap, and ! made tr icks pretty thick fay hot.";, h :iiy wish ing 1 had let him b< ih v devil’s tat too on the floor with her head, if h wanted to. That little incident decided me h the belief that a man and his wife can usually settle their liule affairs much better without help. At :,.f events I’ve always refused to volunteer it anolebr war of the kind! From tho Nj i >nal Tump, rum c Advocate ] Better,ii {file's Distillery. In response to lnquent calls for “De con Gilo’s Distillery,” not now in print, we publish the following, w hich has lost, none of its peculiar in terest in the years which have inter vened since it was written: The Rev. Geo. B. Choever, a young gent'eman of decided talent and a very fearless di-posh.ion, h .ving but lately commenced his ministry in Sa lem, determined not to content him- s .df with waging a distant war with a monster, but to engage it in close anil deadly combat, which should re sull’e' her in it; f ill or his own ruin, lie accordingly prepared (or the press, and shortly afterward publish ed it) the Salem Landmark new: pa per, an attack upon the distilleries,of a nature so singular as to attract, ex i aoidinary attention. It was w. it ten in an allegorical style, and purported to be “ A True Bis ory of Do.icon Gdc’s Distillery.” The author commences by draw ing a picture of Deacon Giles: A hard-hearted, money-loving, rum-sel ler, who iulietiled his distillery and bis disposition from his father, to whom, also, both had been transmit ted through a long line o rum-sellers, reaching b ek almost to the day of t lie I’ilgt im Fat hers. The other points by which the Dc.,c ii w s distinguished were: His li ivVg had a relative drowned in one of his va s of liquid fire ; his having ■o.st another bv drunkenness: bis ■ ’ , no ing all day Sunday, and soiling Bibles ia one corner of hi- establish ment. He was treasurer 10 a Bible Society and generally paid off his men in rum and in Bibles. On a cer ium Saturday night the hands refused to work the next day, and the deacon wisina sid quandary. He was re lieved, however, by ihe ppe,ranee of a number of wild, id range-looking fellows, who volunleercd to do hi wink for noililng.p’ nvided (hey might be allowed to 1 bar by night. The deacon closed the ba ga.ii, and well plot cl with the tir.u ,ho went io church the next and ty to hear a man pre irh (fie uceuuie ol uie salvation of all men. In the meantime, lib workmen who were demons, carried on their opera tions at an astounding pace. All the materi .1 of the pi .ee we.o worked np in two nights—Saturday and that of Sabbath. By a devilish contrivance of their own they wrote upon each barrel of the “good creatuic,” certain labels, invi-ible at first, and which cou'd | only be perceptible alter they were sold to the tetailers, and mounted uponheir destined stands. The dea con returned on Monday, and was hi lily delighted with the work that j had been done. The whole array of rum casks were immediately sold off to the deputy rum-venders. As each barrel v.a put upon its destined stand in the different grog - erie , the de\i’isi) labels blazed out in 1 . . ! l ing ,Is. One was ire-cubed : I “ Kj IVp-y sold here! inquire at Amos . Gill's di lillory;” another, “Cho’er:! inco’lapsc! inquire at Amos 'Gilo’s distillery;” a third, “Insanity and Murder;” a fourth, “Dropsy and Rheum..lism;” many bore as an in scription a part of Robert Hall’s fa mous definition, “ Di- ihed Death and Liquid Damn uon.” The direction for finding till these things was at “Deacon Gile’s Distillery.” Some j of the hogsheads were also marked ' with texts of Scripture; for instance, | Who hut h woe ? ’ inquire at Dea -1 eon Gile’s Di-li'lery;” “Who hath redness of eyes? inquire at Deacon Gile’ Distillery.” Others were in scribed, “ A portion from tlie lake of fire and brimstone, inquire at Deacon Gile’s Distillery;” “ Weeping and gna-king of teeth, inquire at Deacon Gile’s Distillery.” When these terrible inscriptions blazed out in a “still and awful red,” the rum-sellers shifted the liquid into other hogsheads, hut immediately the same willing became visible on the new vessels. In a rage they sent it ill back to a man, and the deacon burnt the whole of it. It left a strong smell nf brimstone behind. A certain Deacon Stone who wrm a di filer, sold Bibles at his distil, lery, had had a relation drowned m i vai, and a son who had been very 'iiieniperafm, thought the cap, fitted him s o we! that he determined to wear it. ITo can-, 1 Mr. Cheever to be in dicted for a false, scandalous and in iccent and malicious libel on John Stone; charging him with knowingly, wilfully, and designedly preparing in league with evil spirits and demons, tl-o means of pestilence and disease to "the bodies, and condemnation and ruin to the -ouls of his Yellow-being®. The tiial came off, on the 24th of is3s, in the Court of Common Plea®, Essex county. The TTonorn- • bio Solomon Strong, (judge) presided. The m .in object of the evidence, on the side of the commonwealth, was the ostnb'i .'onent of the identity be tween A-uo Giles and Deacon Slone, w hich was done by showing the in ! indents recorded above of the former; the loss of bis relation in the vat ; his having a drunken son ; being n member of a Bible Society, and sell ing Bibles in his distillery, were ap plicable a’so to Ihe latter. Anot her,” strong point to establish the identity was also insisted upon. The writer represented (lie impres sion, w hich pn duood his dream, to havc’becn made by "a train of reflec tions consequent upon seeing fre quently in public prints, when notice w s given of anything, “Inquire at Amos Gilo’s Distillery.” Stub notices had frequently ap peared, in fact, the name of John S'.onc being substilwcd for Amos G'le’s. In spite of aide counsel (the Hon- Ruhr- Choate and the lion. Pe ieg Sprague being both employed by Mr. Cheever,) lie war,convicted, fined f 1,000, and sentonc and to an impris onment of one month’s duration. The d;■fondant, when called up for sen tence, made an ablo defense, but it did nothing to mitigate his punish ment. A fatal blow, however, had been : truck at the distilling bus'ncss. The appearance of the dream had created tremendous excitement; the trial had excited universal attention. Every word of e\ idenco was drunk in by ft crowd so great that the courthouse con! 1 sc irce’y cent "in them. Tho public voice, at first decidedly against Air. Cheever, become as decidedly in hi! favor, as dly after day facts were ■ Hob e,l, in evidence lo prove the dia bolical nature of the rum-makers traf fic. The pre-s caught up the echo, and spread it far and wide. Far Iroin being considered an officious meddler in affairs with which he had no concern, Mr. Cheever began to be regarded ns a martyr to truth. Far from injuring tbe cause of temper ance as many “moderate drinkers” a fleeted to fear ho would, it was soon found that lie had affixed a stigma to the trade of distilling which nothing I con’d erase. When men thought of enriching themselves by speculating on the vices of their neighbors, Deacon Gile’s burning hog.-heads rose np before them like the ghost of Banquo. Eight years after, in that very distillery, converted by anew cold water pro prietor into a saw mill, a temperance tea party was given to a crowd so large that the like had never been seen in the town of Salem. So mighty, so irresistable is trnth, so certain is she to trumph at last over all impediments which passion, prejudice, and interest combine to throw in her way. O”W.A. Mansell, of Roswell, has never tasted liquor of any kind, drank a drop of milk, coffee, or used tobacco in any shape. , i ♦ l in 2JET 1 A little child was torn to pieces by hogs in Cherokee county. 'uzr i’ weiity-five Georgia towns have driven out retail liquor dealers. B®* An insane woman in New Orleans, burned herself to death, the other day, by setting fire to her clothes with matches. Sick Headache. —Two teaspoon fuls of finely-powdered charcoal, drank in a half-tumbler of water, will often give relief to the sick headache, when caused, as in most cases it is, by a superabundance of acid on the stom ach. Jdgf" “Ef county fairs is goird to do agrieultui-’ enny good,” says a Long Island farmer, “ keep out the wimmin. Them ere pull-back’s get’s a man’s eyes so sot that he can’t sec nothin’ else.” i A friend called on the histo rian Ranke, in Berlin ciiy, and ob served, “ Well, professor, I suppose you w ork as hard as ever in your old age?” “Yes,” replied the veteran, tenderly, “my wife is dead now, you see, and 1 have less annoyance, and can accompli-h more.” BS?* An lodianuu maiden who wears omy pants and chews tobacco, goes by tne pretty name of “Falling Wa ter.” A Mississippi Negro’s Sermon. “Now, bredren and sister’s, we wants mounahs lieah to-night. No foolin’. Ef you can’t moulm for you’ sins, don’t come foolin’ roun’ dis al tah. I knows ye. You’s tryin’ miiy hard to oe convuted Vhout bein’ hurt. The Lord ’spises mockery. Sometimes you -inuahs comes foh’rd and holds yoar head to high a-comin’. You come foah you’s ready. You Marts too soon. You don’t repent. You’s no mounah. You’s foolin’ wid do Lord. Y r ou come strutlin’ up to da allali; you flops down on your knees, mid you peeps frn your fingahs, dis way', an’ you cocks up your cahs to seo who’s tuakin’ de best pray’r. Yon's ’tirely too pert for penitents. You is no mounah. Ef yon comes heah to fool, you bettah stay away. Bettah go to hell from do pew asleepin’, or from your cabin a swenrin’, dan from de monnah’s bench a foolin’. Ef you’s not in almost, keep away from heah; don’t bodder us. Do yon want us to make ouhselves lioaso and weah out onah lungs a-prayin, for you when you know’s you’s only foolin’ wid de Lord ? I tells you to be mity cahful. I want to see you a coinin’ so burdened by de weight ob your sins dat, you can’t hold up your beads I want to see you so heart broke dat your knees knock togeder when you walk. Yon must be low minded. De Bible lays great stress ond de low. You’s got to get low in do dusk De good book says, ’Low (Lo!) in de vollem of the Book it is writ. Now, min’ dat an’ be low.” Then addressing the members of the church more particularly, he said: “Brederen in do Lord, you inns’ bo airncs’ prayin’ foil dos>~ pore sinnrdis. You must wake up. In dis spring time ob do yeah, when de leaves is coinin’, and de flowahs is a twinklin’ an’ bloomin’, what does de leaves an’ do flowahs say? Dey says, “Get up.’ [“Amen, dal’s so,” from an old brother in the corner.] “It is noth in’; de day is lireakink Git up. Wake np in do mornin’.” [“Amen ! wake ’em up, Brudder Clinton,” from the corner.] “Too many ob you’fesahs ob ’lig ion has been de wheels ob lime. Get up and put your shouldnh to de wheels. Den when you kneel aronn’ dis nltah tocomfoit do m n alls, don’t holler.” [“Amen, hallelu yuh !” yelled a sister from the wom en’s side.] “Every time you hollers de debble he put another thought in your heart. You’d bctlah whspnli to de Lord dan to holler at do debble. Talk low r . Let de mounahs pray for demselvcs. You bodder dcin wid your hollerin’. Get down, long s : do of dem, an ’struct dem when dey ax, but don’t waste bred after any wlio is peepin’ around and listening for nice talk. Don’t tell do mounali to watch for wi-ions and wait for mir ac’es. Jnst show dem how to rest ond do wohd and resk de promises,” Smothered uy a Cat. —Rccenf’y a cat played the following prank upon a Syracuse gentleman: The person had retired to bed, and had lain thero some time, when his wife, in the next room, heard a singular noise. She inferred from the sound that her hus band was sleeping soundly, but the noise grew more intense, and she concluded to find out wfiiat it might be. She went into tho sleeping-room and found the family cat, with its nose thrust into her husband’s mouth and its paws tightly clasped about his throat. It required considerable ex ertion to remove the animal, as it clung tightly to its position. The gentleman was nearly suffocated, and but lor the timely interference of his wife would have been killed. J 57" Hard, horuey hands, embrow ned by the sun, and roughened by labor, are more honorable than white ones, that never reached out, to help a fellow creature, or added a dollar to the world’s wealth. C2T* A Detroit mother cannot un derstand bow it is that her girls can play croquet for half a day and not feel tired, and yet if one of them were asked to wash the dishes she reaches for the camphor bottle. User A few more of these snappy mornings and no housefly will care a copper whether the family ho lives with means to run in debt for their coal or pay cash. CrA tourist who was asked in what part of Switzerland he felt the heat most, replied “ Wheu I was go ing to iJerue,” $2.00 A YEAR. WIT and HUMOR. A young merchant called on a lady, and was shown into the parlor. The lamps were unlit, and just before the lady’s appearance he removed a large quid of tobacco from his mouth and threw it out of the window, as ho supposed. The lady appeared with the lamp, and tho most prominent object in tbe room was a very embar rassed young man gazing at a big chunk of tobacco pinning the lace curtain to the unopened window. A young man, very conceited and vain, with a face much pitted by the small-pox, was addressed by a friend, who, after admiring him for some lime, said: “When carved work comes- into fashion, you’ll be tho handsomest man I ever put my eyes on!” “As to being conflicted with tho gout,’’ said Mrs. Partington, “high living don’t bring it on. It is inco herent in some families, and is handed down from father to'son. Mr. Ham mer, poor soul, who has been so long ill with it, disinherits it from his wife’s grandmother.” “ I haven’t eaten a mouthful in two days,” said a tramp, “and my wife and children are starving at home.” “I would give you something,” the philanthropist replied, “hut I havo nothing smaller than a five-dollar bill.” “I will change it for you,” said the tramp. A Chicago vagrant was about to be condemned to imprisonment f< r that he had no visible means of sup port. “Wisible!” cried the aston ished defendant, as he pulled from his pocket a piece of mouldy sausage and a hard old crust of bread—“Wis iblo, Judge f Ain’t them w idble ? ” “ Puts ” and “ Calls ” may be prop erly defined thus: You put your money in tho hands of a broker for the purpose of sppcnlation, and call for the profits in vain. A ragged little urchin came to a lady’s door, asking for old clothe-. She brought him a vest and a . pair of trowsers, which she thought would be a comfortable fit. 1h • yout g senpt -grace took the garments and examined each: then, with a discon solate look, siad, “There ain’t no watch pocket.” A Missouri family 1 istory rnns “Sallio Wbito ran away some years ago with her brother-in-law, Aaron Davis, he, however, returned to his wife, and she married a Mr. Neely, who eloped mid left her. Two years ago her cousin, Ezekiel, ran away with a Mrs. Windland, both parties leaving families. Last month Aaron Davis’s son, Marion, a boy of nine teen, ran away with his mother's sis ter, a woman of thirty, and to com plete matters his father again eloped with his uister-in law, Sadie.’’ A Western, Vt. farmer says “ho don’t want the darned kers <omiu’ through thin ’ere place, aa ho baa heard that the smoke from the en gine will cause the potatoe rot.” He doesn’t take any newspaper. “How much for that broad-faced chicken on tho fence,” inquired an Irishman of a farmer on Staten Island the other day. “ That’s not a chick en it’s an owl,” replied the farmer, “ I don’t care how ould he is, I would like to buy him,” says the It iemaD. It is related that a New Hamp shire minister recently portrayed tho history of Jonah after the following style: “I seem to see Jonah passing along the road to Nincvah; I seem to sec him enter the ticket office, buy his ticket and pay for It; I seem to sec him walk upon the vessel, I seem to see them lift their anchor, and tho stately ship moves grandly out upon the broad Atlantic.” “How are yon Smith?” said Jones. Smith pretended not to know him, and answered hesitatingly, “ Sir, you have the advantage of me.” “Yes, I suppose so, everybody has •that’s got common sense.” John Green, of Minnesota, has shot three men fer calling his sister “stub nosed,” and yet public opinion in that neighborhood is still against her nose. “ I told him he would have a jury to suit him for five dollars, but he wouldn’t give it; so I got up a jury for the other side,” is the testimony of a constable iu Chicago, In the Bois de Vincennes near Par is, a practical joker hanged himself to a tree, with a rope under his anus, but arranged-so that it appeared to to be around his neck. He did it for the pleasure of kicking the peopla Woo came to cut him down.