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MIRTHFUL YARNS. HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM VARIOUS SOURCES. Why He Went Away — Left All Around—No Chance for the Presidency— Won der fuJ Machine. Cholly (trying to be funny; time, 11 r. m.) —“I say, Aurelia, tell me what is the difference between that clock and me.” Aurelia (artlessly)—“You tell me.” Cholly—“Because it is not fast and I —ha! lia! See the point?” Aurelia (as before)—“Oh! yes; but there’s another difference. The clock is not going and you lie! he! See the point?”— Call. Jjofr all Around. “Wd!,” observed the bank president to the leading director, “the cashier seems to have cleaned out things pretty thoroughly.” he?” “Where is “Gone to Canada.” “Then the bank is left,” replied the director, ruefully. responded the president with “Yes,” cS sigli,” and that is about all. he did leave. P —New York 0rapine. So Clianee for t lie Presidency. < t Mamina,” saida little Fifth ward boy lugubriously the other day, as he laid down a volume of biographical believe sketches I’ll of the Presidents, “1 don’t be a President. I ain’t got the chance, I wasn’t brung up right.” “Why, child, you have the same chance that other little boys have.” “No, 1 ain’t; I wasn’t born in a log cabin, nor 1 ain’t drove a team on the canal, nor had to read the spellin’ had book by the light of nothin’ a pine knot, the nor to split rails, nor like rest of the boys who got there. I tell you,mother, I’m handicapped on this Presidential question .”—Elmira Gazette. The Sewing Circle’s Noble Work. Hobbs—“1 do envy you ladies the pleasures of the sewing circle. Just think, too, of the vast good accomplished the bv your nimble fingers, for all poor.” Mrs Fogg—“Yes, wo are so inter¬ ested in the work. I don’t believe you could keep any of us away from the meet¬ ings, Hobbs—“What ” is the result of the ses¬ sions of the winter, so far?” Mrs. Fogg—“Well, we've decided that the minister’s wife is a lazy, good for-nothing woman; that unless young Spriggs proposes to Miss Brown soon, old Brown will be justified in using stern measures; that Mrs. Bangle is a deceitful woman in telling around that her bonnet cost $25 when it didn’t cost any such money, for Mrs. Ham bought one almost as good for $5; that Miss Barnes is the homliest woman in town,and a few other things of minor about importance. resolved Then, de¬ beside this, we've to vote two weeks of next winter to sewing for the poor of the village. — Tid-Bits. A Wonderful Machine. “A wonderful machine” is thus de¬ scribed by a writer in Mechanical Pro¬ gress: When I was laying the founda¬ tion of my mechanical fame and fortune a few years ago, I boarded in a house filled with locomotive engineers and fire men. A practice prevailed with there of en¬ livening the supper table social con¬ versation, and, the locomotive party being in the stupendous majority, the leading theme of talk was feats performed in railway runs, varied by minor inci¬ dents and records of narrow escapes. George Dewhirst, who ran a lathe in the shop, sat opposite to me at the table, and he got tired of being excluded from the conversation. He became ambitious to hear himself talk in that crowd. One evening, catching on a lull in the con¬ versation, he called out loudly tome. “Well, I went over and saw that ma¬ chine to-day, and it is astonishing the fiae work it’ does!” » » How does it work?” I inquired. “Well,” said he. “by means of a pedal attachment a fulerumed lever converts a vertical reciprocating motion into circu¬ lar movement. The principal part of the machine is a dise which revolves rap¬ idly on a vertical plane. Power is ap¬ plied through the axis of the dise, and, when the speed of the driving arbor is moderate, the periphery velocity. of the machine is is traveling at great Work doueonthis steel periphery. impact Pieces reduced of the hardest are by mere to any shape the earth skillful operator desires.” “What on is the machine?” de manded a listener. “Oh! it is a new grindstone,” replied George; and a silence that could be felt passed round the supper table. He Had Been Invited. “Good morning, Mr. Johnson,” said a young man to an elderly and near-sighted passenger, who had come off without hi* glasses; “going up to town?” “Yes; got to do a lotof trading at the stores an’ I don’t know how on airth I’ll get along without my glasses.” “Getting ready for the wedding, I suppose.” darter is goin’ git “Yes; my Emmer to married. She an’ that good-for-notliin’ Hank Williams hev made a match of it at last. I thought that young man would never get down to business, lie’s as slow as sorghum molasses in January, and as shiftless as an rnjun. I don’t believe he can earn his salt, an’ I s’pose I’ll have to support him.” “But, Mr. Johnson—” “Oh, he’s good enough for Emmer. That’s the worst giri I ever raised, She hain’t a bit like her mother, nor like me. nut her. A fine poor man’s wife she’ll make. Beside, she hez bunions on her feet as bigas early rose Aft’ potaters, ain’t an’ she kin eat more’n a boss. that the worst on’t. If twan’t for her mother that girl wouldn’t keep herself clean, and she never thinks o’ slickin’ up her hair nor puttin’ on somethin’ nice ’cept when company’s expected. She’s a reg’lar slouch, Emmer is, an’ she kin wear out seven pair of shoes a year, But she’-' good enough for that Hank Williams, an 1 if he only supports her I’ll be glad to git her off my hands. S’pose you’ve got an invite to the weddin’?” i i Yes, I’m invited. You don’t seem to know me, Mr. Johnson?” “Yea, I do, but I can’t just place you Le’ me'see—I haven’t got my glasses with me—but I know you. Your name is— is—” “Hank Williams, sir.”— Chicago Her¬ ald. Fifty Years Ago. A stray copy of the Christian Advocate and Journal and Zion's Herald gives a strange glimpse of the world in 1822. It is dated August 10. Cholera raged in New York, and carried off one hundred persons a day. * A subscriber in Edin¬ burgh, Scotland, complains of the postal authorities, who so detained his papers that seven copies came to him at once, for which he was charged £1 11s. lOd. postage. A little colony had daringly departed for “the remote river of Ore¬ gon,” by way of Vera Cruz and Acapulco. The report or a fight in Texas stands un¬ der the heading “Foreign Intelligence.” The paper has several allusions to “the enter| rise of modern times;” and con¬ denses a report recently published by Congress “on the use of steam-carriages vehicle is on common roads.” A new described, in the use of which accidents from explosion are impossible; and the report closes with the statement that “railroads, except in very peculiar situa¬ tions, are behind the age,” and the “de¬ cided opinios” that “those who embark capital in constructing them indicated will be great losers.” But the changes are not all secular. The contributions re¬ ceived by the treasurer of the missionary society during the preceding week were $53.27(!), and among other articles pre¬ pared for the edification of the devout is one entitled “To Pious Dealers in Ardent Spirits .”—C hristian Advocate. Origin of Social Games. The city of Salem, Mass., is celebrated for her witches, and their persecutors, and her East Indian commerce in the past; and for the Indian museum and “oldest church” at the present day, and to these we may add the honor of pub¬ lishing the first modern social games that, achieved any considerable popularity in this country. In 1843 Miss Annie W. Abbott, of Beverly, publication a clergyman’s daughter, offered tor to Mr. S. B. Ives, of Salem, a new game of cards which she called “Dr. Busby.” Although the price asked was very low, there was no recognized demand for such merchan¬ dise aud the manuscript was declined, but later Mr. Ives decided to undertake its publication, which proved an immense will and unexpected success. This game be remembered by many of the parents of the present day a* among the earliest ever learned and possibly played at first on the sly, fearful of a reprimand should the report reach headquarters that they were “playing cards.”— Good Housekeep¬ ing. A Talk Cincinnati with a Surgeon. Times-Star. From the of most Talking a few days ago with one our distinguished surgeons, one of our writers said to him: with people . “Doctor, what's the matter our nowadays. It seems to me that half the peo¬ ple I meet have their livers out of order.” “Your estimate is a very light one,” said the doctor. “Probably 75 per cent, of the people have livers which are not doing their work fully and properly. You can see it for your¬ self on various degrees of signs on the skin or in the eyes. Notice it, all the way from the saffron-colored skin and eyeballs of the thor¬ oughly iaundieed victim of liver complaint lady to the slightly-pimpled face of the young whose waist is too tightly laced, and who is crowding her liver into such narrow quarters that it has not half a chance to work.” “What is the most general cause of what we call liver causes,” complaint?” responded eminent medi* * “The our diversities of cal friend, “are as many as the the disorder. Prominent among them you may mention greasy food, ack of proper exercise and ventilation, wonderful and irregularity It in has eating. to do The liver is a organ. of its work in the dark. No process surgery can reach it while in the living body. All the blood must pass rapidly through it to be cleansed of impurities. There are great tubes and small ones in the liver—some so exceed¬ ingly small that they cannot be seen except with the microscope. If any of these become clogged, there are at once some imperfections When the in the grand system of filtration. liver is out of order, the bile goes astray and wanders into the circulation, and tells its tale of mischief in the yellow tinge and it gives life-like. the skin. The healthy skin is rosy The skin which lias lost its rosy hue, and looks as if it had been disordered tanned or liver was and going corrupted to be, tells its story of blood.” “But, doctor, you say that no surgical opera¬ done tion can reach the liver. What is to be with the 75 livers out of 100 which you say are disordered?” “My dear sir, happily we do not need sur¬ gery for this organ. There is a better and easier way of reac hing enfeebled the difficulty. and corrupted You want to enrich the blood, and for that you need iron. You want to administer atonic to the system and invig¬ orate the liver, so to renew its diligence in the work of sifting the impurities out of the blood. Of course, you know that there are ail sorts of preparations which claim to do this work. But be careful what you use. There made in la a Balti¬ capi¬ tal iron preparation which is more, and is the best I know of, for it does its work without producing constipation or head¬ ache. The tr ouble witli most of the iron pre¬ parations is that they do mischief in these di¬ rections. My position as a professional proprie¬ man makes me careful I in speaking mention of any that this tary article. But may ar¬ ticle ie> ‘Brown’s Iro » Bitters.’” “Why, that’s the great popular tonic that the people are all talking about.” “And well may they talk about it, for it is a good thing,” said the doctor. The Government arsenal at Osaka, Japan, is now turning out steel rails as good as the imported. And it is now said that before long full railway equip¬ ments will be made at home for the rap¬ idly extending lines TIRED OUT! At this season nearly every one needs to use some sort of tonic. IRON enters into almost every phy sioian’s prescription for those who need building up. BROW !* 5 ' I ■ Both* BirrEfL WLE MBTTDmC For Weakness) Lassitude* JiC^UAL, Lack of Energy, etc., it HAS NO and is the only Iron medicine Blood. that Invigorates is not Injurious. the It Enriches the Aids Digestion System, Restores Appetite, head¬ It does not blacken or injure the teeth, oause ache or produce constipation —other Iron medicines do Mb. J. D. Burke, 16 High St., Montgomery, Ala., says: “ My system was generally debilitated and the slightest exertion fatigued me. After using Brown’s Iron Bitters a short time I regained my appetite and strength.” Mrs. Geo. W. Cask, 26 Chestnut St., Macon, Ga., says : " I used Brown’s lion Bitters for a constant feeling of weariness and lassitude with the most sat¬ isfactory results. It gives me much pleasure to rec¬ ommend it to all feeble women as a complete strength ener.” _ • Genuine has above Trade Mark and crossed red lines on wrapper. Take no other. Made only by UKOWN CHEMICAL CO., BALTIMORE, MW. Free Farms In Sunny SAN LUIS. The most Wonderful Agricultural Park In America. Surrounded by prosperous mining and manufactur¬ ing towns. Farmer's Paradis’! of Acres Magnificent of crops raised In HS5. Thousands Govern* ment Land, subject to preemption and homestead. Lands for sale to actual settlers at $3.00 canals. per Cheap Acre. Long Time, park irrigated by immense railroad rates. Every attention shown settlers. For maps, pamphlets, etc., a idress COLORADO LAND A LOAN CO.. Op'raHouse Block,Denver.Coi. Box2390. - U.S.STAN V 0 AR 0 f 5 TOI J ONE'S I WAGON SCALES, li-vn Lever*, St*«i B- c-?ng», Brasi Tar* Bcrcs and ilt-.n Box. OF. 1 m BINGHAMTON JONESb* Price LUt JONES p»T« meatloe tfc* Of BINGHAMTON, fr.'kht—for rhi* r«s>*r tree and •dd oee fi.i. Binghamton, Chicrai and Opium Habit LASTLY C’LKKD. ADVlVli FREE. DR. J. C. HOFFMAN, Jeffersan. Wisconsin. OPIUM Habit, Quickly and Painless¬ ly cured at home. Correspondence solicited and free trial of cure sent honest investigators. Tn*HrHis* iliUDT Cokpaxt. Lafayette, lnd. A. .V f Thirteen ’SG CREAM ELY'S BALM C ATARR H Cleanses the Head. LY’S. Allays Inflainmat Ion. Heals the Sores. Re¬ m PoiS M stores the Senses of R Taste, Smell* Hearing. A POSITIVE CURE. Cream Balm 83 :9* has gained an enviable repu¬ tation wherever known, dis¬ placing all other prepara¬ HAY-FEVER tions. A particle is applied into each nostril; no pain; agreeable to use. mail druggist. Send for circula** Prioe 60c. ELY by BROTHERS. or at Druggists. Owego. N. V Piso’a Remedy fbr Catarrh is the Best, Easiest to Use, and Cheapest. o > h > 73 ir i Also good fbr Cold In the Head, Hi Headache, Hay Fever, Ac. 60 cents, Holland, New York. Hi Piso’s Easiest Remedy Use, fbr Catarrh and Cheapest. is the H Best, to A H Also good for Cold In the Head, Headache, Hay Fever, Ac. 60 cents. " Plso's Remedy for Catarrh gave me almost imme¬ diate relief.”—F. E. Brainebd, Audubon, Iowa. Plso's Remedy for Catarrh is the j Best, Easiest to* Use, and Cheapest SB CATARRH if. , 9 Also good for Cold in the Head, Headache, Hay Fever, Sic. 80 cents, j_| ” Piso’s Romedy for Catarrh is Just the medicine I have been looking for ”—W. Ootoh, Maysville, Ky. I Best, Piso’s Easiest Remedy to Use, for and Catarrh Cheapest is the CATARRH Also good fbr Cold In the Head, Headache, Hay Fever, Ac. 60 cento. '* Piso’s Remedy for Catarrh has done me more good than anything I ever tried.”—Miss R. A. 8xu»* let, Cornwall Bridge, Conn. I Best, Piso’s Easiest Remedy to Use, fbr and Catarrh Cheapest Is the : j,. 'jv: CATARRH I Also good fbr Cold in the Head, f Headache, Hay Fever, Ac. 10 cento. “Piso’s Remedy forOatsrrhis Philadelphia, producing favorable results.”— Geo. W. Witham, Pa. 1 Best, Piso’s Easiest Remedy to Use, for Catarrh and Cheapest Is the ■ catarrh H H Headache, Also good Hay fbr Fever, Cold in Ac. the 60 Head, cento. I I S TAMPING (MEITFBH! m PH 3 nking plete Patterns we Perforated Te.it Being have interest Outfit in fully prepared Kensington on tho containing aware best Stamping ladies a govern¬ Coni* of W ork, 50 ar# the all ment different, >.ond parchment including Sprays Paper* of Golden Kod, Pansies, vVU* Roses, Forget-me-nots, This¬ tles^ Strawberries, Outlines of zj. 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Firs for $k Money cheerfully refunded if sot more than satisfactory. W a are now located in oar large brick factory, fronting 506 feet on tbe lia* ef the N. Y.,N. II. AH. R. R., and the government having locate* a postoffice in our factory, we are now prepared to fill all order* prompt!} to the entire satisfaction of onr subscribers. AddrMi Ftirm and Housaiiold, Hertford) Conn* BEFORE YOU BUY AGON, CARRIAGE OR 8UG6T -WRITE TO HOTCHKIN CARRIAGE WORKS, SYRACUSE, N. Y. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FSEI, IT LOW PRICES TO DEALERS. A Ufa experience. Remarkable and quick cures. Trial uaefc ages- Send Stamp for sealed particulars. Address, Dr. WARD & CO.. LOUISIANA, BO, THURSTON’S PEARL IVORY TOOTHPOWDER Keeping Teeth Perfect and Gams Healthy* F” DA T 'n? KT ■■ N V 1 C Inventors' Obtained. Send stamp for ■ Patent ** Guide, p, Has, Lawyer, Washington. D. Q