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MY FIDDLE.
My fulfil*? Well, I kind o’ keep her handy, don’t
you know?
Thought 1 ain’t so much inclined to tramp the
strings and switch the bow
As I was before the timber of my elbows got so
dry,
And my fingers was more limber like and caper
ish and spry.
Yet 1 can plonk and plunk and plink,
And tune her up and play,
And jest lean back and laugh aud wink
At every rainy day.
Mr lilayiu'o only middlin'- tunes 1 picked up
vviicii a hoy—
Thc kind o’ sort o’ fiddlin’ that tins folks call
cordarol,
“Tim Old Fat dal,” and “Ryestraw,” and “My
Sailor’s On the Son,
lithe, cow till ions that I saw when thech’ice is
loft to me.
And so t plunk and plonk and plinlr,
And roKiun up my bow,
And play the tunes that make you think
The devil’s in your toe.
That’8 how this here bid fiddle’s won my heart’s
iaduiin’ love!
From t he strings across her middle to the screech
in’ keyn above—
From her apern, over bridge, and to the ribbon
round her throat,
.She’s a v. ooin’, eooin’ pigeon, singin’ “Love Me”
every note!.
And .so I pat her neck, and plink
Her strings with lovin’ hands,
An’ list’nin’ dost, I sometimes think
She kind o’ understands.
—James Whitcomb Riley.
FOILED.
The scene of our story is in Russia—
“Holy Russia,” as the Russians call it. In
the land of the czar the police officials are
allowed considerable latitude. They take
copious advantage of their opportunities
to make it unpleasant for their personal
enemies. The man or woman against
whom tho police have a spite is not safe
in person or property. Tho usual mode
of conciliating those in authority is to in¬
vite them to take snuff out of a snuffbox,
the contents of which are gold rubles. To
avoid Iron bio with the police a man in
Russia must be reckless with bis rubies.
•Prilidb Commissioner ghiboff Avas very,
very obliging in some respects. He was a
hopeless victim of tho snuff habit when
the snuff box had a gold lining, Ho was
up to snuff in several senses of the word.
To use nil American expression, Suboff
was an investigating committee of one,
that had to be continually lubricated. He
had, however, one other weakness. Ilo
was very much given to paying his ad¬
dresses to the fair sex. He was not pretty
to look at. lie was a short, fat, bald
headed man. Scientists say that in a
thousand years we will all be bald.
Suboff had merely anticipated the scien¬
tists by a thousand years, lie was bald
already, although ha was unmarried. No¬
body could accuse him of failing to re¬
move the hairs out of tho.comb. His
blood might curdle in his Veins, but his
hair never stood on end with terror.
As mi additional attraction his com¬
plexion Italian was very umcli tlio color of an
sunset, ov a circus poster, lli.9
mouth was the shape of a semi-circular
g;ush, and looked as if it might be
partial to pie. His ears were large and
generous, and gave him the appearance,
at a distance, of being provided with
wings. His face betrayed about as much
intellectuality as an Irish potato. It was
only when lie leered that it seemed to
havo any expression at all in it.
One vvOukl have supposed that such a
caricature of a man would have confined
his attentions to females who were, com¬
paratively speaking, as devoid of personal
attractiveness as himself, such, for in¬
stance, as those who were adorned with a
hump and one eye. That, however, was
not the modest sort of man that Suboff
was. He forced his attentions on the
loveliest in the land. If they opposed his
wishes he promptly trumped up a con¬
spiracy against the government and sent
them, or their relatives, to Siberia. If a
handsome woman desired to have any of
her relatives sent to Siberia all that she
liad to do was to refuse to admire Suboff.
Suboff was ill Warsaw investigating a
conspiracy. A number of prominent
Poles were arrested and sent to Siberia »
and Suboff was hunting for more conspir¬
ators. He was kept pretty busy, but he
would have paid much moi*e attention to
his official duties if it had not been for the
beautiful eyes of the wife of a certain Col.
Sabinsky.
Mrs. Sabinsky was indeed a beautiful
woman. She was tall, well formed, with
wonderful black eyes and a wealth of hair
to match. Her features were as faultless
as those of a Grecian statue.
Police Commissioner Suboff had seen
her at a ball, and immediately fell vio¬
lently in love with her, as far as the term
was applicable to such a creature as him*
self. He paid every possible attention,
but the handsome Pole ignored lnm com
pletely. When he endeavored to becof u
more familiar she said something to a
group of ladies that caused them tosi'i?*?
audibly. She was evidently making
of him. He felt pretty sure that she said
Something about his personal appearance,
and that was a subject on which he was
Vf , r y sensitive.
He rushed out of the ballroom foaming
with rage. The more he brooded over
the affair the worse he felt about it. He
determined to be revenged. He would
find means to tame the pride of the
haughty beamy. Next day Col. Sabinsky
was arrested for conspiring against the
czar. This meant that, perhaps without
even the formality of a trial, he would lie
transported to Siberia.
Col. Sabinsky’s wife was at first very
much alarmed for the safety of her hus¬
band, She felt pretty sure that her un¬
willingness to smile on Suboff was the
real cause of her husband’s arrest. She
w»| a very smart woman—as shiq'p as a
steel trap. She said to herself- •As Mr.
Suboff has begun to play tricks on me, I’ll
see if I can’t play tricks on him. I’ll si's
if I can’t beat him at his own game.”
She managed to have a note conveyed
to her imprisoned husband, telling him to
keep up his courage, as she would find
means to procure his liberation,
In the meantime Suboff remained in his
office awaiting the result of his first move
to compel Mrs. Sabinsky to come to terms.
He did not have long to wait, for on the
day following the arrest of her husband
Mrs. Sabinsky called at the office of the
petty tyrant dosot^in
the
middle of the room was a large table, on
which were writing materials and official
documents. Suboff was in. He received
her with a hideout grin. His visitor was
pale and her eyes indicated that she had
been weeping
“What is the cause of your grief, beau
teous lady?”
“My husband is in prison. Do you
know the cause of his arrest?”
“It is a very serious matter, as he has
been conspiring against the czar. I am
sorry, but I have my duty to perform.”
“Can anything be done to liberate my
husband?”
“I’ll take the matter under advisement,
not, that I have any doubts about your
husband’s guilt, but as a matter of ac¬
commodation to you. I am very busy
now, but please call to-morrow afternoon
at 3 o’clock, and I’ll see what can be
done.”
The giimaces and leers with which these
words were accompanied left no doubt in
the mind of his visitor as to his real in¬
tentions, but she managed to conceal her
disgust and promised to call at the ap¬
pointed hour. As for Suboff, he was in
an ecstatic frame of min*! The manifest
absurdity of a man with liis cast of coun¬
tenance creating a favorable impression
on anybody, excepting perhaps himself,
never occurred to him.
An hour before the appointed time
Suboff was arranging his toilet before the
glass. He festooned his dome of thought
with a wisp of about eleven lonesome
hairs that still lingered around the base
of his bald head. To himself he appeared
to be excruciating lovely. A carriage
stopped before the door. He pranced to
the window and gazed out, looking, as
Mrs. Sabinsky afterward told a friend, fQr
all the world like an immense turkey gob
bier* He opened the door and gallantly
kissed her diminutive hand.
“We are quite alone,” he said.
“Suppose somebody were to come? My
reputation would be ruined!” exclaimed
the fair visitor.
“There is not the slightest danger; and
if there was here is a closet in which you
could hide.” - -
“Why, that closet is not big enough.
How could I get in there with my dress?”
“It is much larger than accommodate you suppose.
I am quite large, and it can
me.”
“I don’t believe it,” replied the visitor
incredulously.
To relieve her fears Suboff went into
the closet and partially closed the door,
The next moment the door was pushed to
and.locked from the outside.
Suboff was very much crowded in that
closet, almost as much, perhaps, as if he
lived in a Harlem flat. He|thought his vis
itor was playing a practical joke on him
and that he would be released in a few
minutes, but this delusion was dispelled
by a firm female voice whispering through
the keyhole:
scoundrel, Don ^ or 0U T 111 ,* r ^ stab you to out the ’ ^, heart. ou
There was something in the tone of the
voice that convinced him the speaker
meant business.
CoJ. Sabinsky’s wife tripped t to the table,
an< ^ ou one the official blanks, already
signed by the wretched Suboff, she wrote:
“Release immediately Col. Sabinsky.’
Suboff heard a silvery voice say:
“Farewell, my dear Suboff, but don’t
excite yourself. If anybody calls remem
ber that you are not in. You have cheek
enough to carry you through anything ex
cept this door, Please shut this door
after you. Tata.”
When Suboff realized th6 peril of his
situation lie made frantic efforts to burst
open the door, but it resisted all his ef¬
forts, although he swore like a man w r ho
was trying to write with a stylographic
pen. He made almost as much noise as
a womante rights convention and with
just about the same result. He was gen¬
erally very successful in attracting atten¬
tion, but on this occasion he failed igno
miniously. He was almost speechless
when he w T as released, and he had fallen
off like a ton of coal on the scales of a
dealer.
He got out, but the story also got out,
and he was the subject of inextinguishable
ridicule wherever he went. Hours before
Suboff got out of that closet Col. Sabin
sky and his wife crossed the
write!*, who was a member of the German
legation.—Translated from the German
by Alex. M. Sweet for The New York
Mercury.
*
His Sense of the Ridiculous.
The other afternoon, as we were rolling
out Woodward avenue, a swell young
fellow entered the car and recognized a
fellow swell, when the following conver
sation ensued:
“Aw, there,. Cliawley, me boy.” .
“Aw, there, Fwedie, old chappie.”
“Wery slipewy, Chawley.”
“Indeed, Fwedie, that weminds me of
w’at happened w’ile I was waiting for
the caw—ah.”
“W’t was it, Chawley?”
“W’y, one of those fellahs of the—ah
—of the—of the—ah—-twade clawses, you
know—ah, was carwying a basket of—
ah—ah—hen’s fwruit, you know—ah,
w’en he began to look at me, the beastly
fellah, instead of where he was walking,
and he slipped up—ah, and dwopped his
basket of—ah—ah—hen’s fwruit, and sat
wight down in it—ah, and it so gwati
fied my sense of the wridiculous that I
actually smiled, Fwedie, actually smiled
—ah.”—Detroit Free Press.
Finger Lengths.
comparison of the length?* of the first
and third fingers has been many years in
progress: Ancient Greek art seems to
have found the greater beauty in a longer
forefinger, but in the Apollo Belvidere
there is no appreciable difference in the
length of the two. Gorrillas, orang¬
outangs and Bushmen have a longer third
finger, while among Europeans and
Americans the longer finger is sometimes
the first, sometimes the third, and some¬
times both appear of equal length.—Ar
kansaw Traveler.
Anxiously Waiting An Answer.
Rise up, oh statistician, and tell us if
there be more marriages in leap year than
other years, and then we shall know how
to -act. —Abany Journal.
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The wonderful remedy for
AU JSOWCl JLVOtlOleS 9
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same in practice. y f
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