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BUDGET 0 F FUN. HUMOROUS sketches from VARIOUS SOURCES. Science Versus Knowledge—Not On Difference in the Name—Not What He Wanted—The Other Fellow Injured, Etc., Etc. Re tvas’way up in anatomy and a judgo of fossil bones. dimensions of^a He could give the exact whistle from its tones. He could take a single molar tooth, and though naught else was there. Reconstruct the entire animal, to the very utmost hair. But when he went to market to buy a bit of steak, stuff quite tough enough He'd bring home the strongest teeth to break. And although on natural history he was per¬ fect, so to speak, awful beast he got when y 3U should see the he bought a horse last week. — Terre Haute Express. LOTS SHOCLD BE SEEN, NOT HEARD. Little Boy—“When are you going to the carpenter shop to be fixed?” p oe t—“Carpenter shop!” Little Boy—“Yes; I heard ma tell pa there was a screw loose about you some¬ where.”— Texas Siftings. DIFFERENCE IN THE NAME. Doctor (to patient)—-“You are troubled with stuttering, 1 believe.” Patient (indignantly)—“No, stu—stu—stu—stut—stut— sir, I—I _J don’t stutter at all, but I sta—sta—sta—stam —stammer some when I get excited.”— Burlington Free Press. NOT WHAT HE WANTED. Callowby (rapturously) — “ Oh, my darling, I love you fondly, passionately! Tell me—do you return my affections?” Hiss Pert—“Yes, indeed! I return it *11. Don’t waste it on me, Mr. Callowby, Keep it for some one that will love you.” Lawrence American. NOT ON ICE. Husband—“Are there any oysters in the house?” Wife—“Only two, and you can’t have them.” H usband— “Why?” Wife—“Johnnie’s been in a street fight, and they are on his eyes.”— Epoch. SERIOUS OBJECTION. “What is your opinion of cranks?” asked Miss Brighton of Gus deJay. “Candidly,” saicl the dainty Augustus, “I don’t like cwanks much, you know.” “Why not?” “1 calm’t approve of the way they weah tkeiah haiah.”— Washington Post. TIUED THE MATCHES. “Go get me some matches,” the baron ordered his valet; “and sec yon try them before you bring them. The last were uo good.” The valet goes and returns. “Well.” “They are all good, sir; I tried them every one.” THE OTHER FELLOW INJURED. Johnny—“Ma, Billy Bully broke an • arm to-day on the schoolhouse steps.” Mamma—“Well,, perhaps that will cure him of his desire to be fighting all the time.” Johnny—“But it wasn’t his arm. He broke Harry Hnllan’s arm in a fight. ”— Philadelphia Times. AN ALARMING DISCOVERT. Gus—“Why, Algy, what 13 the mat¬ ter? Are you sick?” Algernon—“No, my deah fellah, but I’m fwigntened about myself. A doctor told me yesterday that the air is pwes- sing on me with a pwessure of fifteen pounds to the inch. That’s a tewwible thing, and I don’t believe I can stand it much longer!”— Munsey's Weekly. A POPULAR WORK. Book Agent—“I am introducing a new work-” Man of House—“I don’t care to see it, sir.” “It is entitled ‘How to Paralyze Book Agents,’ sir, and the price is $5.” Please “Cheap enough, sir; I’ll take a copy. call again when you have another nev work for sale.”-— Detroit Free Press. TIT FOR TAT. She kissed him as he gave her the en¬ gagement rincr. for “George, darling, I have always longed one of this pattern and you are the first who loved me sufficiently to study my tastes in the matter.” “And yet,” replied he, leveling things U P> ‘‘it is no rarity, as in mv engage- au nts I have never used anything else.” —Burlington Free Press. * TO TEST ins ENTHUSIASM * * A™. y cachbIo Y (to the new boarder j cago) ‘‘Ah, Miss Lafite, the Jr ~,° occult sciences interests me ' to explore with the keen tlm'J?. D ” W ledge all the dark depths ot * ^ Dous, to delve into the regions er ,1 how n, to fathom, as wc may ^ U 10I ^r e ~^‘‘May I i. help you to some of the as Mr. Peach blow?” , A FRUSTRATED PLOT. “Mudge—“l believe you told me a toup.e of weeks ago that you were going ‘0 try making love to vour landlady’s daughter, so that the okl lady would ba a little easier on you. Did it work!’’ Yabsley—“Work? I should say not. I played it so well that the old woman thought I was hopelessly infatuated, and tided to raise the price of my board on the strength of it .”—Terre Haute Ex - press. AT THE RECEPTION. Barbara—“Hulda, that gentleman over yonder is my friend, Mr. Floyd. May J present him?” Hulda—“No, you must excuse me. He is the very man who kept his scat in the car the other evening while I stood all the way.” Barbara—“Really? Why, I am shocked. If he didn’t have any regard for our sex he might at least have shown some consideration for age.”— Life. STOOD UP FOR HIM. “Do you think your sister likes me, Tommy?” “Yes. She stood up for you at din¬ ner ” ••Stood up for me? Was anybody saying anything against me?” “No; nothin’ much. Father said he thought you were a good deal of an ass, but sis right up and said you wasn’t, and told father he ought to know better than judge a man by his looks.” —Neio York Sun. THROWING AWAY TIME. It was on the rear platform of a street car as a crowd was going home from the theater. “Let’s see,” mused a man who was jammed on the railing to the one on his left, “have we been introduced?” “I think not. My name is Taylor.” “Ah! And mine is Porter. Mr. Tay¬ lor, you are throwing time away trying to get my watch. It is an old one and out of repair, and won’t bring you $2.” —Detroit Free Press. WAR AVERTED. “If you jab that umbrella in my eye again as you have done twice already,” said the man in the brown overcoat, fiercely, “you’llget a broken head.” “It was as much your fault as mine,” retorted the man in the gray ulster. “If you want to kick up any fuss about it just sail in. I’m insured for $160 a week in the Scrapper’s Self-Protective Mutual Association, and I’m aching for a broken head.” The man in the brown overcoat looked fixedly at the other. Evidences of a severe mental conflict were visible in his sace. At last he spoke : “You’re safe,” he said. “I’m an agent for that company.”—■ Chicago Tribune. Safe Blowing Extraordinary. Captain William A. Pinkerton, the detective, having seen that two burglars of his professional acquaintance were advertised to blow open a safe on the stage in five minutes, went to the theatre one night in Chicago recently, and told them that they could not do it in five. They declared they could. Thereupon he put $500 in the safe; they did the same. aud he locked it with his own combination. “If you get the safe open in five npnutes,” he said, “the money is yours. If you don’t, it’s mine.” He then stationed himself at the wings, watch in hand, and awaited for the burglary scene. The cue given, they jumped through the window and set vigorously to work. In two minutes the diamond drill had bored through the steel door. Then a powder-blower was inserted, the bellows set to going, the crevices around the door puttied,and the crank drill was cutting the hinges. The fuse was inserted; a wet blanket hung over the door and the match struck. As Pinkerton’s watch showed the passage of three minutes and forty-eight seconds there was a flash from the safe, a cloudlet ’of smoke, a heavy jar and the massive door fell on the stage. The detective remarked: “I’ve been chasing safe- blowers around the country for thirty years and I thought I knew something about the business, But this is the first time I ever heard of a safe being blown open inside of four minutes. The lesson is easily worth $500.”— Commercial Ad¬ vertiser. Plarmigan From Iceland. There have been landed at Granton by the Danish mail steamer Laura, from Iceland, 222 cases and casks containing over 7500 braces of Iceland ptarmigan, which are really white grouse, valued only at £248. During the severe snow¬ storms of winter the ptarmigan come down from the mountainous regions of Iceland to the seacoast in quest of food, where they fall easy victims to the hunts- man's gun. Except during the nesting season, there are practically no restric- tions as to the killing of game. A con- siderablc number of white hares were also imported .—Pall Mail Gazette. —-—-- A Tint Used In the Misty Past. Artists aud scientific . men have long wondered about the beautiful “azzur- r jno” found in the ruins of Pompeii. M. Fouque, the mineralogist, with a mix- ture D f silicate of copper and of lime, h as now obtained the brilliant crystal- j ne 4» azU re” of Pompeii. It is a tint per- f ec tly unchangeable, and identical with the Alexandrian blue which was known to the Ptolemys, and imported into Italy in the first years of the Christian era.— Amateur Photographer. .. — ■ - It costs Great Britain $3,312,200 an- nually for salaries and allowances to the royal family alone. ' MIGHTY RIVER. A THE MISSISSIPPI’S COST Li Y SYS¬ TEM OF IjEVEES. A Glance at the Existing System of Dikes and Other Vain De¬ fences—Views of an Ex¬ pert. Engineer. The sudden rise of the Mississippi River and its tributaries, at every im¬ portant point,threatening the direst con¬ sequences to life and property through¬ out the entire Mississippi Valley, attracts the general attention and sympathy of the whole country. The Mississippi River Commission, ap¬ pointed by Congress several years ago, which included Generals Comstock, Gill- more and Suter, three of the finest engi¬ neers in the country,and Professor Henry Mitchell, the famous hydrographer, has devoted almost exclusive attention and the best available expert skill to the consideration of the problem of strength¬ ening the banks of the river and securing permanent defenses against its inroads. Bru^iwood dikes, beginning low, but gradually rising higher as the river mud settles under their shelter, and sloping at an angle that will, permit a natural heavy growth of willows, were decided to be the most practical manner of strengthening the banks, These dikes have been designated works of revet¬ ment. Many projects have been suggested at different times for relieving tin- floods by creating new outlets for the Mississippi, but until the present time the revetted banks and levees as described arc the most practical that have been dis- covered, The levee system that borders the American Nile from its junction with the Missouri to its delta in the Mexican Gulf —a distance of o'ver one thousand six hundred miles—is the greatest of its kind in the world. It has cost many millions of dollars for maintenance dur¬ ing the past twenty years, At almost every important point the banks have been revetted with mattress-work, and at many places huge pile dikes have been erected in addition, At Memphis, Vicksburg, Cairo, Ar- kansas City, Nutchefc, Greenville, New Providence and every important commer¬ cial point the War Department, which has the work in charge, has devoted its attention to strengthening the defences by the addition of revetments or pilo- dikes, or by adding to the height and thickness of the existing levees, The lo¬ cal authorities also appropriate gener¬ ously each year for the same purpose. Yet. despite all efforts, breaks and cre¬ vasses have been frequent whenever the river has been in flood. "Flic most important of all the levees are those at New Orleans. They run , Along both the banks of the rivci, those on the east, or city side, being constant- nee< ^ repairs in consequence of being washed by the swell ol passing steamers. A large new levy was con- structed this year below Algiers; but it ba< ^ hardly been finished before it was washed so badly that the water poured over its crest six inches deep, Orleans has been a grievous suf- ferer from the annually recurring inun- dations. At this city the Mississippi is !* rom ^ i)( * * (> FGtO feet wide, but much narrow ei than at man\ places above, 7 b ? velo « t y of tb( ‘ current at high water 18 ^ ve mi ® s ;ul bour ‘ v V b f a ^ ew (r " lean * founded—some 150 years ago the Custom House stood on the rivet Dank. Now it is far inland, owing to the changes m the bed of the river. In a con- tur v tbe Mississippi at this point has - and traveled , westward nearly 1800 feet, it is continually filling up its old channel and carving out a new one to the west. Heavy tropical rains peculiar to this sec¬ tion, an overflow from Lake Pontchar- train in the rear of the city, or the flood¬ ing of the levees in front, as the result of broken levees or crevasses above, are among the causes from which New Or¬ leans has suffered in the past. In 1718 there was an extraordinary rise, which inundated half the citv. and again in 1735, 1770, 1782, 1785,“ 1780 and 1790 the city was inundated. There are old residents still living who can re¬ call the great flood of 1816, which lasted for twenty-five days, aud when the water was from three to four feet deep in the rear portion of the city. People traveled about town in skiffs along Chartres, Dauphine, Bienville, St. Louis and Ram¬ part streets. There was much suffering on account of the privations to which many families were subjected at that time. Again in 1831, 1837, 1841 and 1846. vast volumes of water swept into the streets. On the 30th of May, 1S49, 220 squares were flooded and 12,000 people were driven from their homes. In 1874. 1883 and 1SS4. floods occurred causing great loss to the city’s commerce and sickness among the people. Mr. Alfred E. Beach, the editor of the Scientific American % is an experienced civil engineer, and has been a close aud interested observer of all that has been done in connection with the Mis- sissippi levee system since Captain Eads first broached his jetty scheme. In speak¬ ing of the recent floods the other day, he said: “They are a good deal like earthquakes—physical calamities over which, even with all the science he pos- sesses, man can have little influence. You cannot foresee them, and it seems impossible to provide wholly against them. As far as the Eads system and the work of the Government engineers are concerned, the levees and jetties fur- nish the best means of mitigating tao floods that have yet been devised. “Few people comprehend the Mississip¬ tremen¬ dous volume and power of the pi and that the river is really higher at many points than the surrounding coun¬ try, being kept to its bed by the levees alone. The vast volume of water is a force too potent for science to cope with. In ordinary seasons, the volume and force are not very great, but suddenly this giant sends down an immense body of water, with all the proportions of a flood. It is doubtless due, to some ex¬ tent. to the denuding of the forests, where formerly the snows were held cap¬ tive till late in the spring and melted slowly. Now, with the forests gone,the water has no impediment, nothing to prevent its filling up the river bed.” “It has been proposed to turn oil some of the tributaries of the Mississippi, and thereby reduce its voiume, has it not?" “Yes, some such idea has been sug¬ gested at different times, but, like the cutting of the levees, it would only bo a measure of temporary relief at best. It would, I think, be a permanent injury, were either the Atchafalaya or the Red River to be diverted. A system of canals, too, has been suggested, and I cannot say that it might not be practical, although in Holland, to which the canal advocates point, they have no strongly concentrated currents to contend with. Whatever system is ultimately adopted in dealing with the Mississippi the work must be undertaken on a national basis, as it cannot be done effectively by the States singly. The Mississippi Valley presents one of the greatest aud most im¬ portant problems our Government luis to contend with, and it will need to sum¬ mon all the resources of scientific en¬ gineering to its aid if it desires to suc¬ ceed. The best thing to be done at present is to strengthen the levees at all points as quickly as possible.”— Mail and Express. Arabian Babies. Life has exceptional difficulties for the babies of Eastern nations, especially foi those who are of sufficiently high rank tc be brought up according to all the an¬ cient customs of their race. The lady who tells her own stcry in the “Memoirs of an Arabian Princess,” says that a royal baby’s first toilet, in Arabia, consists in winding a bandage about its body, alter it has been bathed and perfumed. The little creature is then placed on its back, its arms and feet are straightened, and the entire body is swathed to the shoulders. In this position it remains motionless for forty days, but the bandage is re¬ moved twice a day that the child may have a bath. The Arabs believe that this process will make the body straight for life. Under such circumstances it seems fortunate that babyhood is not a period which can be remembered in after years, for no one would choose to suffer such days of misery again, even in recollec¬ tion. If the child be a girl, on the seventh day after her birth, holes, usually six in number, are pricked in her ears, and when she is two months old heavy gold rings are attached to them, to be worn throughout her lifetime, except during periods of mourning for relatives. On the fortieth day the baby’s head is shaved, a ceremony which could scarcely be performed in our own country, where thick hair is usually of a later growth. This operation is considered a very im¬ portant one, and thirty or forty persons are witnesses of it, for the performance of certain rites. The disposal of the first hair is regarded as a very weighty matter; it must not be burned nor carelessly thrown away, but buried, thrown into the sea, or hidden in some crevice of a wall. The fortieth day marks a turning point in the child’s life. Heretofore it has only been seen by its parents, the slaves on duty and a few intimate friends of the family; now. however, it may be seen by anybody, and is regarded as fairly launched on the tide of existence. Several charms are attached to its body for protection against the “evil eye,’ boys wearing them to a certain age, and girls still longer. The favorite charm consists of a gold or silver locket, wore on a chain. The smallest children among th« Arabians are strongly perfumed; every¬ thing they use, from their clothing tc articles of the toilet, is covered at night with jessamine, and before it is used fumigated with amber and musk and spriukled with attar of roses. Why He Didn’t Ride. Many years ago two gentlemen, both Justices of the Peace, were walking from Glasgow to Govan (at that time a beauti¬ ful country road), when they saw in the distance the Rev. Mr. Thom, minister of the latter parish, coming toward them. M T’ Thom was somewhat eccentric, and th <x> two friends resolved to have a joke at his expense. When they came to the minister one of them accosted him, say¬ ing: morning, Mr. Thom, how is it “Good that you do not imitate the example of your master, and enter the city riding upon an ass?” “Because,” was the ready reply, “they have made them all Justices o’ the Peace. ’’— Scottish-American. Oliver Dalrymple, the bonanza farmer of Dakota, espccts to raise this year 30 ** 000 acres of wheat. The latest turnout of the German Em¬ peror is an open carriage drawn by four white Hungarian stallions. HOUSEHOLD AFFAIRS. MARKING CLOTHES. It is of essential importance that clothes should be marked and numbered. This is often done with ink; but as some persons like to mark with silk, we shall describe the stitch. Two threads are to be taken each way of the cloth, and the needle must be passed three ways in or¬ der that the stitch maybe complete. The first is aslant from the person toward the light hand; the second is downward to¬ ward you, and the third is the reverse of the first—that is, aslant from you toward* the left hand, The needle is to be brought out at the corner of the stitch nearest to that you are about to make. The shapes of the letters or figures can be learned from an inspection of any com¬ mon examples.— Observer. WASTEFUL ECONOMY IN THE KITCHEN. “Many a young wife,” said a nxotheny woman the other day, “would find thw wheels of her household moving much more smoothly if she would spend a little less money on the furnishing of her drawing-room and devote it, instead, to supplying her kitchen with labor-saving appliances and plenty of utensils. Econ¬ omy in kitchen utensils may easily be pushed too far, and if there is another place where a woman may be more read¬ ily excused than another for extravagance it is just there. “To have to stop in the middle of making a dessert in order to clean a saucepan or a kettle in which the soup had been prepared, because you have not another, in folly when soup kettles can be had fur twenty-five cents each. To have your kitchen knives of such poor metal that they will not stay shaqi, or to let a good kuife remain dull because you think you cannot afford to spend ten cents to have it sharpened, is a real waste of strength out of all proportion to the saving. To have nothing by which you can measure your ingredients accurately, because it costs more to buy a set of weights or a graduated glass measure old thau to trust to guess-Work and an tea cup, has spoiled many a good dish that cost just as much and has brought humiliation on many a good cook. To scrape your porridge pot with a spoon because you will not buy a patent pot- scraper for twelve cents wears out ten spoons to one pot-scraper, and the hired girl invariably selects your best spoon for that purpose. Sifting the coal ashes is such a dirty business as it is usually per¬ formed and the servant kicks against it so vigorously that the most economical housekeeper soon abandons it in despair. A patent ash-sifter that allows no dust to escape and preserves all the half-burned coal will i«ay for itself in one winter and last five. A cheap refrigerator can be had for one third the cost of a good one of the same size, but if you buy it your ice-bill will be twice as large. “There is hardly anything in the kitchen of which there are not two varie¬ ties, the cheap aud the dear, and the re¬ sult of the use of either is generally its exact opposite in actual cash. But in comfort to one’s self and to one’s husbaud and childr«ft, a saving of time, temper, brain-worry, and back ache, they repay their own cost many times over every week .”—Nett York Tribune. RECIPES. Curried Eggs—Heat a pint M milk, add to it two teaspoOnfuls of curry pow¬ der, rubbed smooth in a little cold milk; let simmer, and thicken with a teaspoon¬ ful of corn starch rubbed with the sauce of butter; boil six eggs hard, cut them in slices and lay in the sauce; let them stand over the fire until heated. Mutton Chops Larded—Beat chops flat and lard them with salt pork. Put in a saucepan, sprinkle with minced onions, pepper and salt. Cover with soup stock and let simmer one hour; thicken the gravy with browned flour, add the juice of a lemon, one spoonful of mushroom catsup and a wine-glass of currant jelly. Lay the chops in a dish aud pour the gravy over. Serving Bananas—To make a salad of bananas slice half a dozen aud put in a dish with layers of as many oranges also sliced. Over all squeeze the juice of a lemon and sprinkle plentifully with pow¬ dered sugar. Serve very cold. Any deli- icate cake baked in layers aud put to¬ gether with layers of bananas sliced very thin will make a choice dessert. The cake should be served with sweetened whipped cream or it will be too dry to be palatable. Boiled Chicken with Oysters—Pre¬ pare the chicken as for roasting, adding chopped oysters to the stuffing. Put the fowl in a tin pail, tightly covered, and place the pail in a pot of cold water. Boil for or two hours, as required. Make a gravy from the liquor in the pail, adding to it some of the oysters. Taka a half dozen of the largest oysters cooked until the edges curl and lay over the chicken. Put over it a little of the gravy, and serve the rest in a bowl. Duck with Turnips—Place in a stew- pan a tablcspoonful of flour and two tablespoonfuls of butter; let the flour brown slightly, then put in a duck that has been stuffed with an onion dressing; turn it about in this flour and butter, then add half a pint of water and a gill of white wine, add pepper, nutmeg and savory, cover the stew pan closely and cook slowly. When the duck is about half done add two turnips cut into balls. When the duck is done, place it on a deep platter, skim the gravy well, add a little thickening, pour the gravy and turnips around the duck and serve with pieces of fried toast and currant jelly.