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BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
With Aunt Mari’ii Consent And
Generally Incurable—A not her V
Boom—A Double-Jointed
Rule, Etc., Etc.
To Lti, just home from Sunday-school,
Said guardian Aunt Mari’, read,
“Now, child, take this good book and
Tlii'ii The something life of Parson other Dry.” than the trees
Gave out a little, sigh.
Him scanned and slowly turned a page;
"May I skip, auntie, pleaseV” vacant chair,
“Yes, dear.” A flash, these a
Lone woman—only for skipped had Lu
And blank surprise,
Among the birds and bees.
— Lippincott.
AND G EXE It AM, Y INCUR ABLE.
“There goes a man whom I should say
labors under some, peculiar trouble.”
“You are right, my boy. He is a man
whose wife is better known than him¬
self.”— Puck.
ANOTHER ROOM.
Eastern Man—“How is Cosmopolo
City, the ‘Occidental Wonder of the
Western World,’ and ‘Belle of the
Plains,’ prospering?” Man—“Finely! Finely!
Western
We’ve got two stores and a blacksmith
shop in full blast now .”—New York
Weekly.
u A DOUBLE-.JOINTED RULE.
Laura—“I tell you, Emily, I will
who doesn ,, t , love
never marry a man
11,6 *
Emily ‘‘And I will • * * never , love a man
who doesn t marry me.”— Pick- Me Up.
ALL IN USE.
Customer (in cheap restaurant)—
“Waiter, bring me a napkin, please.”
Waiter—'“All in use at present, Cap;
but that chap with the heavy mustache
eating soup over there will be through
with his goon .”—hotel Mail.
NOT SERIOUS.
Physician—“You must have made
Aome big blunder in cleaning my watch.
It won’t run at all now.”
Watchmaker (taking the watch)—“I
will put it in good order. A jeweler's
blunders are easily repaired,”— Puck.
IT FRIGHTENED HER.
Society Rosebud—“Then you think
that Jack cures for me?”
Old Stager—“I’m sure of it. His eyes
followed your every movement last
night.” (Alarmed)—“Gracious! Do really
you
think he saw all I ate at the supper?”—
Time.
SIMPLY BRUTAL.
Mabel—“So you refused him. What
did the poor fellow say ?”
Laura—“He said he knew a girl who
would marry him and be glad to.”
Mabel—“I wonder whom he meant?”
Laura—“I wondered, too, so I asked
him.”
Mabel—“Who was it?”
Laura—‘ • You. ’ ’— Life.
I ONE MORE HOPE.
He—“You nre the only daughter?”
_it Yes.”
He—“I should think your father
would be willing to set the fellow who
marries you up iu business'.”
She—“Well, I don’t know. Pa has
made that offer six times now, and noth-
ingever came of it any time; but, George,
if you want me, it might do to see the
old man about it.”— Epoch.
a gastronomical criticism.
“Here’s a pointer for ye, Bill,” said a
tramp 1 to one of his companions. “Don’t
never go to that house on the hill yon-
der }}
“Why not?”
“ ’Cause whenever they've unt pie thev
haven't any cheese, and when they've got
cheese they haven't any pie. I wouldn’t
eat at no such place * as that.”— Merchant
7W ,7,,.
FOOD IN HARMONY WITH DRESS.
“Waiter,” she inquired at the restau-
rant, “have you any black bread?”
“Yes, miss.”
“Well, „ r ,, you may . bring . me some with ... a
little black coffee.
“Why,” exclaimed her astonished
cort, “is that all you are going to eat?”
“You must remember,” she replied,
“that lam iu mourning now."—-
ton Capital.
THE BEST PLAN.
Yellowly “You say your life is
a burden by bill collectors?
Browuly “It is.”
“IV hy don t you adopt my plan of
ting rid of em.
(Eagerly) “Ha! TV ^ hat is your plan? _
“My plan works to a charm.
putting it in operation they never
me again.
“Good, my boy. What ^ is your plan?
“I pay em. Boston Courier.
HE TOOK HIS OWN MEDICINE.
Dumley—“What’s the matter,
knot? You look bad.”
Topknot—“Yes; all doubled up
rheumatism again.”
Dumley—“Have you ever tried
Wragleyf”
Topknot—“No. I* he fA/niliur with
rheumatism?”
Dumley—“ITe ought t*» lie by this
time. He has had it himself for over
forty years .”—Tendon Rare Hit*.
SHE REMEMBERED HIM.
He—“So you remember me?”
She—“I knew you as soon as I saw
you.” flattering that
“It is very to me you
should recognize ine when you have not
see u me since we met at the seashore
three years ago. Would you mind tell¬
ing me what it is that has kept my image
fresh in your memory all this time?”
“Why, you have got on the same
shabby coat and old-fashioned stovepipe
hat you wore three years ago.”— Siftings.
WHY IT WAS THERE.
“(.'an you tell me, my friend,” said
the elderly gentleman to the keeper of
thecamel, “what the hump on that an¬
imal’s back is for?”
“Wliat’s it for?”
“Yes; of what value is it?”
“Well, it’s lots of value. I)c camel
wouldn’t be no good widout it.”
“Why not?”
“Why not? Yer don't suppose people
’ud pay twenty-five cents to sec a came
widout any hump Capital. on him, do yer?”—•
Wash ington
AS NEAR ALIKE AS DAY AND NIGHT.
Young Man (somewhat agitated)—“I
have called, Mr. Means, to ask permis¬
sion to pay my addresses to your daugh¬
ter, Miss Ruth.”
Banker Means—My daughter Ruth,
Mr. Peduncle? Why, she is engaged
to Mr. Swackhajnmer.”
Young Man (still agitated, but reflect-
inff that all is not yet l 08t) —“Did you
think I said Miss lluth, Mr. Means? I
^ Mis „ Gwendolpn . T he-er-simi-
lnrity of the names probably caused you
to misunderstand me .”—Chicago Tribune.
SUDDEN CHANGE OK SUBJECT.
Mr. Smallpurse (who has carefully fig¬
ured up the cost of two theatre tickets
and the street car fare)—“Do you enjoy
the dramu, Miss Gehall?”
Miss Gehall—“Oh, very much; but I
become entirely worn out every time I
go. You see the play is seldom over be¬
fore half past ten, and then it takes fully
an hour to get supper at ‘Del’s,’ and after
that conies the long ride home, aud the
hackmen do poke so, you know.”
Mr. Smallpurse—“Um—er—Wliat do
you think of Browning ?”—New York
Weekly.
An Albanian Blood Feud.
Being in confidential mood, my host
tells me about his family and his chil¬
dren, and that he has a blood feud with
one of the most powerful families of the
neighboring Hotti tribe, and so never
goes out of the village alone, for fear he
should be shot for the blood he owes his
enemies. His sister, he explains, mar¬
ried a man of Hotti, and it was consid¬
ered a splendid match, as that tribe is the
most powerful in the great mountains,
and takes the post of honor in time of
war. About a year after the marriage,
the husband repudiated his bride, and
sent her home, giving no reason for the
outrage, but merely saying he was not
going to keep the woman any longer.
8uch an insult was not to be tolerated; so
my host and his brother, seeing that
there was no chance of obtaining for
their sister the restitution of her rights,
looked out for au opportunity of killing
their brother-in-law. “He was very
cunning,” said iny host reflectively,
playing with his pistol; “but I waited
for him every day, and at last I caught
him alone, and then I shot him for the
slight he had dared to put on our fam-
by” “Aud so you owe them blood?”
He grins, and arranges his pistols in his
leather site. “His fathers and brothers,”
he replies, “often come into our country
1° look for me, uud wait for me outside
* he bazaar » n tbe road to Scodra but
ne f r 2°, into Clt ? ™ thout
brother anu my relations, so they cannot
exact the penalty without fightiug a bat¬
tle.” “But surely that must be a great
nuisance for you?” He shrugs his
shou , d( ' ls: _ da , ? the , ? catch . ,
m eaI « m '’ as 1 ««* ht hllu ; uml * he n the - v
. me it they can. , in , join
'' 1 -
sister?” “She is in the nty.” “Has
she married again?” “Married? Oh
no! She begs; she has her child.” Then
seeing my look of astonishment he adds:
“What is she to do? We cannot support
her; she does not belong to us now, and
the Hotti will not keep her. But I have
uv a the insult; i h;ivc shot her hus-
band.”— Chamfers'» Journal.
lie Missed the Stimulant.
Said a New Haven business man tlie
i other evening: “Ou my way to my office
; this morning I felt miserable, and when
I took my seat at my desk I hadn't energy
i euoug to hold a pen. 1 had slept well
j an( j 'had not been out of health for in condi- any
way and could not account the
tiou in which I found myself. After do-
j little work that was imperatively
necessary I started for a walk, hoping
that exercise would help me. I dragged
mvse ]f along until I had walked three
m j les and then again tried to attend to
business; but it was no use, and at noon
j W ent home, doubting whether I should
he able to come down town again. On
| the diuner table I found the cup of coffae
I had forgotten in the morning. Down
j it went the first thing, and from then
until now I have been feelinglike a bird.”
—New Haten Palladium.
The New York fire department owns
aud uses 353 horses.
NEWS AND NOTES FOR WORK t,
r
Alpaca reigns. yj
Pointed passementerie prevaiimH
Plain velvet is now extremely M
the The box turban hat turns upsidHif
crown.
$10 A baby's $ 500 outfit costs anvwhc^H jm
to .
made Bonnet Suede crowns, leather. gloves and bo^B ^
of
The Queen of Greece is fond of re
ing the American magazine
Plain bodices, Prioccsse dresses and
polonaises are all in high favor.
The brocades used for cloaks t In-
season are in very large designs.
The Duchess of Fife (Princess Louise
of Wales) is a good all-round gymnast.
Jacket waists and corsages with ex¬
tremely elaborate fronts remain with us.
Miss Murfree’s (Charles Eglert Crad¬
dock) novels yield her about $3000 a
year.
Ribbon trimmings are much sought
after and are put on in an infinity of
ways.
Dresses of camel's hair and velvet have
the draperies of the camel’s hair and the
skirt of velvet.
^Much elaboration noticeable of embroidery and
trimming is on the vests of
lately imported dresses.
Lady Colin Campbell, a sistev-in-law
of the daughter of Queen Victoria, is an
accomplished journalist.
Mrs. Edison, wife of the inventor, has
fine brown eyes and a straight face with
a delicately aquiline nose.
Empire styles have lost none of their
popularity, and appear prominently
among the autumn designs.
One ton of toys is the present recently
made by the Dutchess of Portland to the
children of an English village.
The Queen of England’s estate in Os¬
borne, if sold in small farms, would
fetch, it is said, $250 an acre.
The colored women of the South are
earning for themselves creditable posi¬
tions as teachers among their own race.
Striped silk petticoats, with an ad¬
justment of colors to correspond with any
nationality, form a fad for fall and winter.
Handsome hats of Suede-colored felt
are trimmed with green, to match Eng¬
lish tailor gowns which combine those
colei's.
Many ladies will be pleased to learn
that black dresses are again in favor, and
promise to be much worn during the
winter.
A Western paper gallantly remarks
that “the lady prisoners in our jail are
about the most desperate lot we have seen
in a long time.”
Violet is the perfume of the grand
dame, because it is unobtrusive. It is
not an odor that announces itself nor the
lady who wears it.
It appears from the last statistical re¬
turns that there are about 1,000,000 more
women than men in England, and that
these are nearly all widows.
Silk crochet trimmings appear this
season in colors, some of them tone upon
tone, shading from dark to light, in
flowers and pointed patterns.
Mrs. Rebecca Harding Davis has writ¬
ten an article advising country girls to
stay at home and not attempt to join the
ranks of shop girls in the cities.
When pointed passementerie is nol
liked for silk trimmings, three bands oi
passementerie in open designs arf
placed about the skirt, above a hem from
six to eight inches deep.
Among the most beautiful materials
for elegant evening toilets are mahogany mahog¬
silks, striped with wide bauds of
any velvet, the silken intervals brocaded
with copper-colored flowers.
Pretty coverlets are now made of a
kind of Italian stuff, called Como silk.
In color this silk is indescribably soft and
bright. Couches and divans are alsc
covered with the same material.
The thick, shaggy, heavy camel’s hair
so popular a number of years ago is re¬
vived. These goods arc especially liked
in russet browns and natural grays,
though they are shown in a'.l colors.
A home for divorced wives has been
established by the Government in Salt
Lake City' at a cost of $70,000. It is
intended as a refuge for the women whom
the Edmunds law separates from fheii
polygamous husbands.
There promises to be a demand for
fancy velvet. Many of the patterns are
large; these are thrown on armurt
grounds, many on thick satin, and seme
of the patterns are entirely in frise vs 1 '
vet, while others show plain anil ?
blended. *
A valuable collection of autogra*
visitors posssession to Shakespeare’s of Mrs. Smith, birthpl^^ C:
the >!Mai
ford. She is the grand-daugV b<
Hornby, who was custodian of S ’ r- ■ i
cottage many years ( ' r<
spenre female who whit^y-m
the latter
walls, covered with names a<# ■?
of distinguished visitors, wftv'v
put out of office. f
Stylish Hungarian clonks/ -;Y, i
the wearer from throat to si*#' V
made of black beugaliue, checked ana silks, |1
black anti white \
fronts are turned back to simulate!
showing the handsome lining.
handsome model had a very deep t
collar of black Escurial passementerie,
and another wa - finished about the throat
with a band of handsome black ostrich
feathers.
f' * * e«ident’» Primeval Neighbor*
•4> tel! Nad Btaj*- some ia-
The T
L* 'kbon*
v ’^ e
niU
ill l*
lain Nimrods, for
I money and rarely
r iv/ a 'while one of them
will come to the village, a woman often,
astride an old mare, ‘carrying home¬
made paniers, with a firkin of butter or
a bucket of eggs. If the chief magis¬ k
trate of the United States should wa
three miles to the west of liis daughter’s
cottage he would find a way of living as
primitive as that among the Indians
when white men first touched these
shores. He w’ould see a plough which
is aciude triaDgleof wood, a sled made
of the untrimmed bougie of trees, and
he might have cracked a whip as simple
as those used in the biblical days, for
the native’s ox goad is a tree branch with
the pith taken out half way down and
the bark twisted into a lash.—[Pliilaiel-
phii News.
Blondes aud Brunettes.
A French scientist has been making a
statistical inquiry into the colors of the
eyes and hair in France, aud from his
180,000 observations be deduces many
interesting results, one of the most cur
ious being that where the race is formed
from a mixture of b’ondes and brunettes
the hereditary blonde coloring comes ele¬
out in the eyes, and the brunette
ment reappears in the hair. To this
tendency probably is to be attributed
the rarity of a combination of light
liair with dark eyes. Several observers
have asserted that the American mixed people,
who are pre-eminently dark-haired a and blue-eyed race, are
becoming a if thia be such devel¬
nation, and true, a
opment must be owing to the working
of this law.
Good Rules.
Learn your business thoroughly. Keep
at one thing; in no wise change. Al¬
ways be in haste, but never in a hurry.
Observe system in all you do and under¬
take. Whatever is worth doing at all is
worth doing well. One to-day is worth
two to-morrows. Be self-reliant; do
not take too much sdv ce, but rather
depend upon yourself. Never fail to
keep your appointments or to be punct¬
ual to the minute. Never be idle, but
keep ployed, your mind or hands usefully em¬
except when sleeping.
A Chicago woman receutly married a
Chinese laundryman, and in three days
thereafter the unhappy Celestial ap¬
peared at a barber shop and ordered his
pigtail cut off, saying in explanation,
“Too muchee Yank! Too muchee
Yank !”—Chicago Sunday National.
When there is nothing left of the win¬
ter snow but ridges behind the stone
walls, and a dingy drift here and there
in a hollow or in (lie woods, winter has
virtually resigned the icicle, which is his
sceptre.
It Don’t Pay.
To experiment with uncertain remedies, when
afflicted with any of the ailments for which
Dr. Pierce’s Golden Medical Discovery is rec¬
ommended, as it is so positively certain in its
curative effects as to warrant its manufactur¬
ers in guaranteeing it to benefit, or cure, or
money paid for it is returned. It is warranted
to cure all blood, skin and scalp diseases, salt-
rheum, tetter, and all scrofulous sores and
swellings, as the well lungs) as consumption (which time is
scrofula of if taken in and
given a fair trial.
Don’t hawk, with hawk, blow, sp it and disgust
everybody Ur. Catarrh your Remedy often-ive and b reat.h. end but use
Sage’s it.
Powder and liber y are like heat and moist¬
ure; where they are well mixed everything
structive. prospers, where they are single they are de¬
A man who has practice medicine for 40
years ought to know salt from sugar; read
what he says:
F. ,T. Cheney Toledo, O., ,Tan. Gentlemen;— 10,188”.
Messrs. & Co.—
I have been in the general practice of medi¬
cine for most 40 years, and would say that in
all my practice and experience, have never
seen a preparation that I could prescribe wit li
as much confidence of success as I can Hall’s
Catarrh Cure, manufactured by you. its Have
prescribed wonderful, it a great many would times sayin and conclusion ef¬
fect is and
that I have yet to find a case of catarrh that
it would not cure, if they would take it ac¬
cording to directions.
Yours truly,
L. L. Gorsuch.M. D.
Office, 215 Summit St.
We will give $100 for any case of Catarrh
that cannot be cured with Hall’s Catarrh
Cure. Taken internally.
F. J. Cheney & Co.. Props., Toledo, O.
ty.Suld by Druggists,75c.
li wtisement of Thb Youth’s Com-
- , ___ e has published last week? This
r the phenomenal cireu-
c ■Mte 3 .No o'.her
oung
» b-
to
ee
i,-n
ed.
see
a” Cigar.
fii: 25 I
Best Cough Medicine- Recommended by Physicians.
Cures taste. where Children all else take fails. it without Pleasant objection. and agrceablo By druggists. to the CTS
consu m
*
“I.ocy llinron.”
Hark ! the sound of manv voices,
Jubilant in gladdest song,
And full many a heart rejoices
Ah the chorusfloats along:
“Hail the Queen of all Tobaccos!"
How the happy voices blend,
‘•Finest and purest among her fellows —
Man’s staunch and true friend."
Ilrrfon. the Paradise of Farmers-
f 5 Mild, equable fruit, climate, certain and abundant-
'rops. the Best world. grain, Full information grass and stock coun-
iTos y in free. Ad-
s Oreg. Im’lgra’tn Board, Portland, Ore.
Catarrh in the Head
Originate* In scrofulous taint In the blood. Hsne*
the proper method by which to cure catarrh Is t®
purify the blood. Its many disagreeable symptoms
and the danger of developing Into bronchitis or that
terribly fatal disease, consumption, are entirely re¬
moved by Hood's Sarsaparilla, which cures catarrh
by purifying the blood: It also tones up the system
and greatly Improves the general health. Try tfce-
“pecullar medicine.”
“I have used Hood's Sarsaparilla for catarrh wJtk
very satisfactory results. I received more peris*,
nent benefit from It than from any other remedy 3
ever tried.”—M. E. Read, of A, Read * So*.
Wauseon, Ohio.
Hood’s SarsapaHHa
Sold by all druggist*. $1; six for $5. Prepared oaly
by C. I. HOOD St CO., Apothecaries, Lowell, Maas.
100 Doses One Dollar
O HAY- li
50 Cts. FEVERfc#|
COLD- ELY BROTHERS, 66 Warren HEAD St., York.
JCVtN £<VBNTeKN
L* S.
-
SMITH’S BILE BEANS
Acton the liver and bile; headache, dear the complexion; costlvenese,
cure biliousness, sick stomach
malaria aud all liver and disorder*.
We are now making small size Bile Beans,
especially adapted for children and women—
very small und easy to take. Price of either
size 25c per bottle. PHOTO-GRAVURE _ of , the .
A panel size “Kissiug 7-17-70,’ mailed «o
above picture, at
receipt of 2c stamp. Address the makers of the
great Anti-Bile Remedy—’Bile Beans."
<1. F. SMITH &. CO •I St. Louis, Mo,
[g WONOCRFUL glCHAIRlT^j [ <r kt ^^ 1
it 1 COMBINING 5ARTlcu|)X. kV 20 ®"
Apr aLgaa FU flNVALiD^-— RNITUR E. (\MfZ-
EffSllbMYYVXeSj *" a r A,
iCHAIRSj WHEEL ^ni J3B
Wi r*t*il *t the lotcett s* AitonuiUe BraJr*
v tod hoi ship Male factory goods to pricM,/K> be /pJ cS.ti.FREE
paid for on delivery. UH ItlLXttsCBtlAfe
Bend stamp for Cata- L *$P£C(AL TO HIBS*
logue. Name goods deHred. PKftlt
DKLIVK&3.
IXUCHBG MFO. CO., 1452V. 8th St* PMJsda.,**
AFTER ALL OTHERS FAIL CONSUL!
DR. LOBB
329 North Fifteenth St., Philadelphia, Pa., toy
the treatment of Blood Poisons, Skin Eruptions^
Nervous Complaints, Bright’s Disease, Strict.ire*
Impoteney long and kindred diseases, no matter of bow
laTT’en standing days’ medicines or from what cause originating,
furnished by mall mrr rllCCr
Send for Book on SPECIAL, Disease..
This Trad*
Mark Is on
Tie Best
If •/I > 3) faternroof
*ISH BRk^ Goat
......os.
Ssndforlllu.trstedCatalogue,A.J.Tower. ’/'
FORA Double Breec? 41
*
Br.wk-Losa.r* *4 t. f SO*
15-hhot Rifes, $tl ’to
Breeek*lo*dtag Rif-**, $2.65 to $13.00.
- 'Self-cechiResolvers, Rl*kei-pl»te«l, $2,00„
flend 2e. stamp for BO-pag* Catalogue and **▼© 25 per
GRIFFITH JL SEMPLE, 512 W. Main, Louisville, K*.
DROPSY
TREATED FREE.
Positively Hare Cured with Vegetable ltcmediss.
cured thousands of case*. Cure patient# pro¬
nounced hopeless by best physician*. From first com
symptom* disappear; in teu days at least book two-third*
all symptoms removed. Send for free testimo¬
nials of miraculous eures. Ten days’ tOc. treatment
tree by mall. If you order trial, send In stamps
to pay postage. Da. H. H. Green Sl Sons, Atlar tu, O*.
nnymsi:« DS I 8 SUB ITSc^md’afbotie^^
ATLANTA. Ga. Office 65« Whitehall &L
IIAIIC STUD V. Book-keepiny, Business Forms,
Mums Penmanship, Arithmetic, Short-hand, etc.,,
II thoroughly taught by MAIL. Circulars free. Y.
Bryant’s College. 457 Main St.. Buffalo, N.
S 25 SLBRMSWS
Qpilj&A MI I WIVl easy 8 CUR E* iu Ihs 'world. d*t!
J, L. STEPHENS, Lebantm,O
JL. pAl.iH’S Scholarship BUS. and positions, COM,CGC, SoO* Write PbilaMalphia. for circular. fa.
■ I prescribe and fnlir «a.
dorse P,iR <; as the oo,j
Wl TO Core* DAYS. to wsjw specific for the certain cvu«
i s of this disease.
O f *****Bttlctars. ■ G. Hi INGRAHAM,M. N. D-, Y.
Amsterdam,
lira on)/ by the XVe have sold Big G lw
fuaiChwniiMlS#. ma V? years, and ii ba»
1 f k Ctaclnnati.SSEpH “ faction. given the best at sail*
-vjgk Ohio. JFm U D. P-. DYCTTE Chicago. & CO.. 111.
* SI .00. Sold bv Druggists.
A. N. U....... ........F orty-five, '89.