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THE JOKER’S CORNER. MTU AY I1ITM OP HUMOR POUND IN THK HthHOROUM COLUMNS*. The Judge wsi There—The Deed ul Mml CKtea~ft Cured Him—Net at aall Mesuattlve—The llrautlful Maew* Etc. NOT VERY SENSITIVE. Some Northern people imagine that the Southern African is as fall of per¬ sonal pride as one of Fenimore Cooper’s Indians. Uncle Moee, of Austin, is not one of that kind. “I’se gwinter quit I has to look up anodder place,” he said to his employer, John Ingle, a wealthy merchant. “What’s the matter with yon, Uncle Mose?” “De biznesa manager, Mr. White, has not kicked me in de las’ two mumfs. Not once has he lifted his foot ag’in m& “I ordered him not to kick you again. I don’t allow anything of that kind in this establishment. I intend that no¬ body shall hurt your feelings, Uncle Mose.” “Ef I don’t get no kicks Fse gwinter quit” “Are you crazy ? Do you want to be kicked and cuffed about ?” “Yes, sah, I does. Ebery time de biz ness manager kicked or cuffed my ears when he was mad, he got ashamed of hisself afterward, and gubme a quar¬ ter. I’se done lost enough money al¬ ready, wid dis heah foolishness about hurtin’ my feelings .”—Texas Sifting*. PUT HIM UP. An anecdote is told of the early days and the time when court was first held in this county in a log tavern. An ad¬ joining log stable was nsed as a jail, the stalls answering as celis for the prisoners. Judge T. was on the bonch, and in the exercise of his judicial functions severely reprimanded two young lawyers who had got into a personal dispute. - A herculean backwoodsman, attired in a red flannel shirt, stood among the auditors in the apartment, fie was much pleased at the judge’s lecture having himself been practicing at “another bar”—and hallooed oat to his worship (who happened t~ be cross¬ eyed): “Give it to ’em, old gimlet-eyes!” “Who is that ?” demanded the judge. He of the flannel shirt, proud of being thus noticed, stepped ont from among the rest, apd, drawing himself up to his full height, vooiferated: “It’s this here old hoss!” The judge called out in a peculiarly dry, nasal tone: “Sheriff, take that ‘old hoss,’ put him in ‘the stable,’ and ifee that he is ‘not stolen’ before morning.” —Pittsburg Dispatch. NO USB. A citizen of Brooklyn was met at the door of his office the other morning by a young man who had a bill to oolleat. “For shoeing a horse—two dollars for shoeing a horse I” exclaimed the gentle¬ man, as he glanced at the bill. “Why, I haven’t owned a horse for the last five years I” “I don't know anything about that,” replied the young man, “but was given the bill to collect.” “Oh, well, I’ll pay it. I was just go¬ ing down to the' gas office to protest a bill, for three months that my house was shut up, but I see it’s no use. If I have tc pay for shoeing another man’s horse T might as well pay for some other fam¬ ily’s gas .”—Wall Street News. BEAUTIFUIa snow. • Oh, the snow, the beautiful snow, (Shot that door,) Filling the sky and the earth below; (Yes. you can shovel it off for a quarter.) Over the house-tops, over the street, ($10 an hour for a sleigh ? Good heavens I) Over the heads of the people you meet; (Arrest that boy for snow-balling i) Dancing, Flirting, Skinning along— Hit the poet with $ leather thong. nw.not rtwT'rolf*, chipmunk*, n»clwi. gopher*. Mm. «*'<-• h«ll*u{rt. aktink*, __ A prise of two hundred dollar* ba* be**n offered for every comet discovered. When yon visit or leavaTVow York hire, city, and eave atop bag* a* gage,«ipn-saagt* and #3 carriage the cltv. _______ • The snow blockade has caused a cool famin in Patterson, N. J. Clipping# a la Scissor* How is your back? If it aches put on a Bop PUutor, Vat Crick, Stitches, Rheumatism, Faina in the Side m Hip, Chest or Lang difficulties or aoraneae in any park nothing equals this porous plaster for curing pain and strengthening. Fresh Hops, Burgundy Pitoh and Bal¬ sams combined. 26c. druggists. Death and life are in tha power of the tongue. If yon use porous plasters the best and strongest one mads is tha Bap Plaster. They kill pain and strengthen the parts. A great many people say so. 86c. dealers. To gat a few flowers, one must sow plenty ef seed.— Whmtely, House wires, shop girls and sales women usually suf¬ fer more or leas from Weak Baok and Side ache. A Hop Plotter applied removes pain and strengthens the parts. Never fails, 26c, druggists. To lire beneath sorrow one must yield te it. Truth. Bop Flutter* era absolutely the heel earn strongest. 86c. A loving heart to better end stranger then wisdom.— Di client. ; Vif * ‘Your Bop Piaster cures every time, I do not have that awful pain in the aide now,'* said a lady. The best porous plaster made. S5e. everywhere. A catalpa tree large enough for four railroad ties can be grown from seed in twenty years. They are thorough and instant in action, euro pains and aches and strengthens the weak parts. OaU for a Hop Plaster and get it. 25c. A Dayton man bathed his feet last week, caught cold and died. Nearly all reformers are martyrs. After using all the humbug liniments and salves with sure failure, go and buy of your druggist a Bop Plaster. The strongest and best external remedy, because pos¬ sessed of pain killing and strengthening properties. The best porous plaster known. A human being requires twenty cable inches of freak air at each respiration. * -r * v<ip w * * If yon use porous plasters, tha best and strongest «M made is the Bop Plaster. A great many people say so. 25c. druggists. * The English end Irish Exchequers were amalgamated in 1817. Where a Hop Porous Plaster is appliad to any kind of pain or soreness there ia no doubt ef instant relief and a speedy cure. Only 26c. — ▲ piece of steel is e good deal likes man; when yon get it red hot it Joses its temper. To be eared of Backsoho, Rheumatism, Sidesche Or Sore Chest for 26c. is cheap. Apply a Bop Plaster. Wales changes his trousers twice a day. Backache, Rheumatism, Sharp Peine, Kidney Dis¬ eases, Pleurisy, Torpid Liver, Sore Chest or pain in any part quickly cured by the Hop Plaster, Absolutely the beet porous plaster ever known. Of all druggists or by mail. 25c.; 6 for $1.00. Proprietors Hop Plaster Co., Boston. The most voracious eater in the warid to a bird-it takes its food by the peek. Get the beat household remedy. Mop Plasters for all kinds of pains, aches, strains, lameness or soreness. Magic in action, 26c. Kansas people call whiskey "tha hull" kecanaa they take it by the horns. How is yonr backr If it aches put on a Bop Flatter. For Crick, Swollen Joints and Maseles, Rheumatism, Lame Side, Pains in the Chest, nothing equals this porons plaster in thorough and hearty action. Heps, Burgundy Pitoh and Balsams combined. 86s. evsiy whore. Poverty wants much; bat avarice, everything. — Syrus. Everybody knows the soothing sad pain allaying vir¬ tues of hops. The Bop Plaster contains beside Hops, healing and strengthening Gome and Extracts which make it positively the best porons plaster ever made. Try one and see. 25c. any druggist. Three people can keep a secret when two of them are dead. We can convince yon that they are without an equal - Hop Plasters prepared from the virtues of fresh Hops, Burgundy Pitch, end Canada Balsams, present an ele gaot external remedy always ready to apply for any kind of Fain or Soreness, Dyspepsia, Torpid Liver, Kidney Diseases, Soreness of the Chest, Ac. Vastly more active than any other porous plaster. They socthe, kill pain and wonderfully strengthen the parts. Only 26c. everywhere. Truthfulness is a corner-stone ia character. HOP PLASTERS, They beat all the plasters ever made beeaosa they possesa active medicinal properties unknown to other kinds. The complete virtues of fresh Hope combined with Borg and/ Pitch and Gams. Greatly superior to other a st e rn al remedies. Act instantly, ears pain, banish weakness and strengthen (2 m parts. No red pepper to horn and irritate. Got of yonr druggist. Xe. Tha Kidneys and Liver Am very important organa, and it ant kept hi good. active , much an a to Mood’s K*r«.penils, by its p<. rtf/mg flnanoea, baa anted el llvar complaints. Try 11004*1 Mr. C. I. Pitman, teeh Hood's Sarsaparilla for the his blood, lie waa greatly bed and gratified le And that it waa doing what all othar had failed to do—curing a trooble with he bad angered for 11 yean. Haai rn aa O y Hood’t 8«r**p*rilia for such eomplaiata. *T hsve boon nuing Hood’i Sarsaparilla for Indlgom tion, kidney end liver tmbM, It haagroatlybonattod me, end 1 weald advise any one ato loOs d with stmflev trouble* to give it atrial."—W. H. WAR. Depot ter, R. T. 0. I H. R. R., Syracuse, N. T. "I have prescribed Hood's Sarsaparilla whom an alterattve or blood pa rider waa tion, with excellent regatta.—D. S. D»OX. X. D., Bloomington, Dl. Hood’s Saraaparilla Bold by all druggists. #1; six fee $3. Prepared safer by HOOD AGO.. Apothecaries, Lowell, “ O. L IOO Doses One Dollar WlolMIT SHERSAaN. Ths fastest selUng hr Q«u. DODGE sod Gen. Hherman kook out- Indorsed by Pres t Arthur . Gen’s Grant. mSMk2£ Sheridan, and thousands iMUsaJaasaa of Eminrnt Judg es, < P N U 10 % U We JSJ5fct5& El. »OV«LAR OaU r Glove, Calf Ton Sewed Shoes lnAmerlca for (he price j mads In Button, Court m end \ 'ST | Laos. Medium Lesion Toe, V \ Y YJ #3 very stylish and durable. Pay v “>——*7^—y good no loageri for you can get at mall, p stage free. Mea-ure foot a (hoe dureetad. $8- Sent State by usually at use you wear, and style wanted. I guarantee a fit and perfeot satlefactlon. W. L. Douglas, Brockton , Maw. Retail dealers wanted. fi HIE WO 11L 1»*M~W<»N 1>K ll 8 an VoMtZil HU k. <"1/ "j'the (tieelyExpedition, Salary ilrnml now Writoquick book; out. is special < very thing. teriia. itiritorlca.1 or com. Pub. to Ayenis. (Jo., Phils., I'a. .or LEARN TELEGRAPHY Hr*«„ Janosvlllo.wis. uutious nuarauteed. Vu .online rS^ViWfsS'"ssrtessfess: sasr* l* niW E1TO6ITKEI Lin INW j ^ _____________________________ PUBLISHER *130.000/, 'FREE! SUBSCRIBER, A PRESENT FOR EVERYONE K. 1 m COMMISSIONS Tl AGENTS. 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Times one year 5Presents to) aiuhscriber^ and 5 Receipts. 3 ?resents For 85, Times one For year 83, to Tiaafa o sub Cash and names must allbe sent at one time. ^ llshed in oar family weekly paper. Alas, eao£week REV. worth T. OE the Win TALMACE. s feature alone price we eharge for the whole year. In addition to the continued stories, general weekly sermons by miscellany, Brooklyn’s each most noted divine and following; literary Illustrated sketches of iasoe contains the prominent men; and have business conducted men Th« generally. Times for The li present publ ishers that yean, and have learned by experience genuine merit wine more friends than anything alee. The publio can, there* fore, rely on os to add every - improvement desirable, ana c to spare no expense in keen- . ing our paper at the head. A largely We are increased encouraged list of by amb-M oar m scribera, Kl'uOO, no* continue numbering® the* ■ over to PRICE REDUCED^M OFiPI a year, and will therefore receive subscriptions at thislowpries. Evbry weht*rw maw. bvkrt fab OXMTliBWBPkFBB MSB, BVKBT HOU8ZXXKPKB bkadeb will AWD find BVXBT something DrTBUJ-| ev ery week Specimen in Thb Tim copies »a free. worth our prloe of ILOO a| rear. mas gad p r ese n ts me Address, THE TIMES, Kaneas Cl Iwlfee»p,f> Hit andTui l«y ft.ndmfi. GET W hM lli.OOO Words, « ravings- and a New $*,000 Safe conic* teYofwr la PublioSchool* SO other eerie*. BEST JOp-The roeabolary coo talas MM mora word* than art f wad loanysther Atowrtwa Dictionary. ItUthebMtnrMttnllagUtlt Dfet*o» wextent .—<$mrttriy R t vim, 8prla*fi*!d, L m & m . II * • A C. MB88MM ft CO, Pntff* ___ t --- ------ „ WANTED SALESMBH „ Luabie & .,fft«.raeiissu H»1s||j|g AffiJ^yiES All know ™ how ssr-vsrara'KS groat made TUNE." and want ’’Kings to of Fortune" our tolls men <Jb«*W their money, selling. Large inducements. P. you. 8.— Send <4 and fast outfit and application for tmito.y, »nd on cents for will allow Jo ded it. your first order to us we to you mike :c u liv¬ This gires outfit free and a chanoe a hne 'Vt.ckly. ing. Our onnvoasers are making #16 Beekman to #Wi 8t.,N. Y. Manhattan Pub. Co., Publishers, 81 $50 IN COLD COIN Giren away. New book, "IIow to bo a, seooaM#* Now York. P. O, Boa i»0T. together with a V \ I.UAllMCTRK.VTlSKou tHs disease flbSSk‘.'. w « ifiSffiirSBEWiff have to 4 k mif*. p 5 a M Wj / Vjg x o* iiaWKwA. *ss