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Tin* Happy Ptusjr. C. ? srM I’m 1 a happy around little pussy, the kitchen, As ream Where the mutton-chop is blooming Red and rare. And I have a skv-blue ribbon Tied about mo, like a necklace, And I sleep upon the cushion Of a chair. While the kettle’s sweetly I singing, On the hearth-stone olt settle, Close unto the cheery oven, For a nap. And I’m such a lovely watcher, Such a wondrous little mouser, That the pantry’s not provided With a trap. From the cellar to the garret, From the garret to the cellar, In a quarter of a minute Do I fly. And I chase the ball of worsted All around the gilded parior, And I scratch the shaggy poodle In the eye. When I’m yowling in the moonlight, On the. viney terrace yonder, I evade the brick and boot-jack Like a flash. Pm so lively on my pedals That I do not mind observing That no butcher ’ll ever grind, me Into hash. — Puck . An Agreement. “I am tired of life,” said a young fel¬ low. “ I have met with nothing but continued disappointments and I can see no use in prolonged existence.” “I don’t see why you should live,” re¬ joined an acquaintance. done “ I don’t know that you have ever any good in the world, and can’t see why you want to live.” “What!” exclaimed the disheartened man, who had expected sympathy. “ Don’t see why I should live? Con¬ found your ugly picture, I’ve got as much right to live as you have.” There are times when it will not do to agree with a friend .—Arkansas Trav¬ els?. A Clipper. “Did you advertise for a man to do clipping?” asked a rural-looking indi¬ vidual who had invaded the editor’s sanctum. “M’m,” said the Archimedes of the printing office; “you don’t look like a clipper. What have you been working at?” The intruder toyed with the office shears and replied: sheep.” “I’ve been shearing The editor turned to his yellow paper again and murmured: “You can get a chance at the brokers’ offices down in State street; $12.50 a clip .”—Boston Bulletin. Last Words. m. Good-by, my darling, good-by.” te Good-by, my beloved husband.” “My will is in my private safe.” • “Yes.” “You remember where the key i», don’t you?” •* Yes.” “And don't forget that my life insur¬ ance policy is in the hands of the Good enough Trust company.” < i I won’t, love.” He was going for a tw r o days’ on a United btates mtn-of-war.— Call. A Slow, but Sure Process. Physician—“Did you scak your in hot water, according to my in¬ structions?” Patient—“Y’es, and instead of ing me my cold has gone from my to ray lungs.” * Physician—“That’s all right, If just continue the same treatment. w* can draw the cold from the head to the it can be easily cured. That it has as far down a3 the lungs is encourag¬ ing.” In Boston.— The apathy in upon reception of the new date of end of the world recalls the reply Theodore Parker when informed by Millerite of the pending destruction our planet: “That does not ooncern mo.” said Parker, “for I live in Boston.” THE HUMOROUS PAPERS. WHAT WK FIND IS TIIK.VI TI1IH MEEK TO M.1III.E OVKit. Not In HIh Office -a Hirer! Romance— Inn*, cent (,‘blldtiood—Fun In Heston* Etc. THE SEASONS. 1. Tho winter’s almost past, the time is coming fast that brings the genial sunshine bright and clear, dear, clear, and paragraphers g.iy will shortly put away the sealskin joke until another year, year, year. 2. The coal man and the plumber, all through the coming summer, will be allowed to take a well-earned rest, rest, rest, and, springing from its tomb, the ice cream joke will boom in new and handsome garments gayly dressed, dressed, dressed. 3. The picnic sandwich, too, exist¬ ence will renew, and jokers on its make¬ up will descant, cant, cant, declaring it is made of neither ham nor bread, but from the hardest kind of adamant, mant, mant. 4. Then, both in prose and verse, the jokers will rehearse the tale anent the lovers who till late, late, late, sit on the stoop and spoon, or 'neath the silver moon together swing upon the garden gate, gate, gate. 5. But this is merely done for pur¬ poses of fun, intended as a little harm¬ less chaff, chaff, chaff—no malice in the play—to drive dull care away, and make the melancholy person laugh, laugh, laugh .—Boston Courier. HE DIDN T MABRY FOR BEAUTY. “I hear that Swarkins is married again.” “Yes, he’s hitched again for a fact.” Have you seen his wife?” Yes.” “Is she good-looking ?” “Oh, no; she’s a very plain body, but as strong as an ox. You see, he didn’t care so much for beauty. What he wanted was a woman who could dig potatoes and make them youngsters of his walk the chalk.” W / INNOCENT CHILDHOOD, Fond mother—What 4 _ dear, w a sweet little fellow Bobby is 1 He asked me last night if he were to die and go to heaven if I thought God would let him play with the stars. Father (turning his boot upside down and shaking it violently)—Now, who put that tooth brush and powder in there ? Fond mother (resignedly)—Oh, I sup pose it was Bobby.— N. Y. Times. HE MOVED. A Detroit gentleman went to his front door one fine afternoon to inhale the balmy air of spring. To him a casual passer-by remarked : “I'll bet you two dollars, Mister, that you’ll move before night.” “You are an impudent fellow,” replied the gentleman, “but I’ll take your bet. Why do you think I am go¬ ing to move?” “Because, Mister, your house is afire. ” A STREET ROMANCE. Pretty girl, so sweet, so nice I sudden slips upon the ice; scream of terror, down she goes—visions of embroidered hose. Youth observes the frills and laces, fancy hose and other graces; sud¬ den mash—oh, feeliDg sweet I—helps the maiden to her feet. Kedly, redly blushes she; kirdly sympathizes he; then along the street they go, married in a month or so .—Boston Courier. A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK. “I don’t feel very well this morning,” complained Smith; “that baby of mine kept me walking with him most of the night.” “He must be a chip of the old block,” ventured Brown. WV How’s that ?” me •» He lets the other fellow walk.” THE OLD JOKE ON CHICAGO. Washington Girl (to her cousin whom she is visiting in Chicago)—-Who are those men, Belle, coming toward the house with surveying instruments in their hands? Chibago Girl—Oh, I ordered a pair of shoes \ the other day and they are the shoemaker and his assistants coming to take my measure.— Washington {D. C.) Uatchet. ,. Ftwr A %'m ilrrnna. i no 1- n*mr Axlo <i* vnm* twivod nunlati nt i'* i <‘n < imial, N. v. Ktat* Fair, l’arin E*|«o i. Amt rican luMitute, N. V., anti other*, The muntier of tonsil plant HutH'ie* now known Is about U.000. Wh^n v<ttt dsit «r IciPv* AVw fork city, ttrm bug CS te* 8 U«| *>lejfaut ’■OOIIIN. rttt<*(l up St a rust of ouanaUlic* dollar*. Elevator. $| and upwards per day. F.ur»p«*a plan Hestauraut mippllnt with the beet. Rohm cow. FauiUes eta««** and elevated railroad to all depots. WwHottl can Uvs better for lr*» money ftwi-cliy a% the Grand than at any sOvsr haul i* Biliousness I* moro prevalent in the eprinjt than at other *•* ■one, being brought on hy sudden changes in the weather, causing bitter taste, offensive breath,ooated tongue, sick headache, drowsiness, dizziness and loss of appetite. Hood's Sarsaparilla combines the best known remedies for biliousness, and readily cures the most severe attacks. It gently stimulate’* tho digestive organs, relieves headache, and re¬ stores the appetite. Bad Taste in the Mouth. "For the past three months I have been troubled a great deal with biliousness, which, on getting up in the morning, caused headache and bad taste in my mouth. After rising three bottles of Hood’s Sar¬ saparilla I am entirely free from all biliousness and headache."—J. M- Phillips, Wait’s Now Hotel, Bloomington. Ill. "I have used Hood's Sarsaparilla for biliousness; think it a great remedy for that complaint.’’—J. W. Abbott, Manchester, N. H. Hood’s Sarsaparilla Sold by all druggists. $ 1 ; six for $5. Prepared only byO. I. HOOD A OO., Apotheoaries, Lowell. Mass. IOO Doses One Dollar 'Hus remedy contains no injurious drills. SVSHSDMttlH tril.-, will be absorbed, effectually freth causing It tects head heals allays the the of colds, healthy inflammation, sores membrane catarrhal cleansing and completely secretion*. restores virus, from pro¬ tin ffEVER™-“ Upf the senses of taste, smell and hearing. It is Not a Liquid or Snuff. A few A applications thorough re lieve. treat¬ ment will cure. Agreeable to use. Price 5b cents “‘HAY by ia • •> “FEVER wpiiK»n M‘.r dnMKht " ELY BROTHERS, Druggists, Owego, N. Y. dwO £*)[- UJ nAllilildv ft TOl will CIO gent NON, on Wholesale Rpurovnl. Aliuuitnctiirer. C*t:iloKU<i ireo. RiuPUo.V'l. A. ANWIb:% Y. p~ li ~ AWAfcFte ~~ ^ A p THAT Lorillard’s Climax Plug bearing Leaf a red tin tag; that Lorillard’s Rose tine out; that Lori llard's Navy the best Clipping*, and quality that Lorillard’s considered IS nil lit*, art and cheapest, ? THE OPIUM-HABIT KARILT CURED. ADVICE FREE. Pr.J.C. HOFFMA N. Jefferson,Wlj W3J WANT 1000 BOOK AGENTS flwthe new book THIRTY-THREE YEARS AMONG OUR WILD INDIANS Ocn. DODGE and Uen. SHERMaN. The fastest seilla* kook out. Indorsed by Pres't Arthur . Oen’s Grant, Bhermatt Sheridan, and thousands of Emin-nt Judtres. lilustrnted < lereynien Editors, etc., AwisAcd.” as “ Th* Best and Finest Indian ltodk Over It takes like wildfire, and A r**ta M* 10 to 20 a day. **“75,000 aold. It# Great AntkorMt JaemA and Soiui Merit make it ike koombto book for CC7*Sen>d for Circulars, Specimen Hate. Kxtralirm. ate, •* A. It. WORTHINOTON Jk CO.. H*rtfbr4.0aau* rflHE I of WORLIfS WONDERS and OfiMai book; MU. tory the Greely Expedition. Grand Uftw WriteQUtek out. mil* everything. Salary Histori or com. cal Pub. to Agents. Co., Phil*., Pa, fog special term*. We will print thi n pen work design in three colors, with your name and address in the scroll, on - J5 for good cents. qual¬ ity The envelopes design the 25 envelope on the will above be five cut. times This larger than is some¬ t thing beautiful. entirely Send new postal and very or silver. Ho stamps. II; C. KELLS & CO., Httsfleld, Mass. B ox 851.___ 1?D*£ HA 1. K—Farms, Ranches, Lands. All Sontlk d «m States. Cheap. W, R. Stuajk. NewOrleaneJLte 1 JxmJt Tjwri. J fognenUemen^reUteb^t DOUGLAS I I Cali Glove, Calf Ton the S*we<! m V \4/\ Jr \ ft | ihoea lnAmerlca for price; 5^r\ \ A made In Button, Congress ana \ I 1 Lace. Medium London Toe, \ \ \ \j very stylish and durable. Pay V 1 W no longer; you can get at mall, „ m >»«•—X good a Shoe for *S. Ser t by pottaga free. Measure foot as directed. State aize lit you and usually wear, end style wanted. I guarantee a Breekte^ perfect Meu. satisfaction. W. L>. Douglas, Retail dealers wanted. ALL IMPERFECTIONS _ _ of the Face, Hands k Fed. Supertiuom r Hair, 3Ioies, Warts. Me*a, i L .Sf_ Nose, Acne, BT1: Heads. Freckles, Red YV/Sl K'-ar*. Fitting and treatment. Dr.Joitn Woodhiny- 37 N. I'e-firl St., Albany, N. Y Established lop), bend 10c. fori HViK. /^lARDS. Sample ST book, premium list, prioe list sene vj free. U. CARD OO., Center brook. Otsa. J>ATENTS, nt.?corner U, 8 . amLForelgp blammaidf Patente^procaprd. pittabargh^Fa. KmitliflHd of (5000 ACRES ;;, N I.rV. 2 KfeS fW , -c 0 . B .i D . A . W KK o,. Ho. _ VIGOR Ct’RKH AU, •P HOOT! DISKAHvS OK TIIK KIDNEY*, KIDN|YJ$£ LIVER, ltl.Al»l)Klt, AND URINA It Y ORGANS, GRAVEL, RKOP 1 MAHKTKS, 8 Y, jyJoFAIL?/*: Nev BUMHT** DISEASE, RAINS IN TUB BACK, LOINS Olt SIDE. NKitvors DISEASES. TONIC AND BITTER, IT IS UNEQUALLED IN RESULTS AND PERMANENT IN ITS CURE. LIVING TESTIMONY. HIucUmiiIiIi. •‘Having hsd occasion to n«e a remedy for kid¬ ney trondo* 1 purenased a bottle of II cut’s cared {Kid¬ ney and bjverj Kivrnv, and it completely me—hiivo no indigestion, and *m hearty and healthy for one of iny years ”—J. F. Woo«L bury, liiucksuuth, Maucawtcr, N. H. “Small beginnings lead to largo endings.” Carpenter. “I wss troubled with a Weakness of the Kidneys. I had to pas* my water ns many ns flitecn tamos during the night. After having used tho second bottle found that of Hunt's ail [Kidney and gene.”—Joseph Liver) Remedy Q. 1 my trouble was Miller, Carpenter, Xenia. Ohio. “Be a friend to yourself, and others will.” FI reman. “I have been a severe sufferer with a weakaeaa of the kidneys, and I took a severe cold while on duty with tho fire department. [ had letrlbie pams In my back, and my water troubled me. Hunt’* TKidnoy and Liver] Remedy completely cured me.* —H. A. Glass, Columbus, Ohio. “To the good, night is not dark.” A Sailor. Captain John Kimball, Sailor, New London, Conn., writes“I was taken with severe pains in the small of my back in the attendance region of without the kidneys; I had tho beat medical expe¬ riencing any relief. 1 bought and used a bottle of Hunt’s [Kidney and me.” Liver] Remedy. Four bot¬ tles entirely cured Price $1.25. Send for Pamphlet of Testimonials. HUNT’S REMEDY CO., Providence, R. I. C. N.CR1T T EN TON, G eneral Age nt, New York. Suffering Womanhood. Too much effort cannot be made to bring to the attention of suffering womanhood the great value of Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound as a remedy for the diseases of women, and perhaps nothing is more effec¬ tual than the testimony of those who have been cured by it. Such an one is the wife Of General Qarringer, of Winston, N. C., and we quote from the general’s letter aa follow*: “Dear Mr*. Pinkham: Please allow me to add my testimony to the most excellent medicinal qualities of your Vegetable Compound. Mrs. Barringer was treated for several years for what the physicians called Leucorrhea and Prolapsus Uteri combined. I sent her to Richmond, Va., where she remained for six months under the treatment of an eminent physician without any permanent benefit. She was induced to try your medicine and after a reasonable time commenced to im¬ prove and is now able to attend to her busi¬ ness and considers herself fully relieved .” [General Barringer is the proprietor of the American widely known.] Hotel, Winston, N. C., and i* _ M J J 11 1 in S a v 1 R ‘ I LI? II v I- ID § ’ Without doubt the best porous plaeter made. When applied to any kind of pain or aoreneen. Instant relief ia felt. Sore and tired muscles, weak back or aides, sharp pains, sore chest and local pains are cured and tho parts wonderfUUy -strengthened. - Made from Fresh Hops, Bur¬ gundy Fitch and Canada Balsam. Never irri¬ tates-always eoothes. Ready to apply*. Bold by druggists and deal ers, 8 60 . 6 for *1. Mailed for price, HOF PLASTER CO., Boston, Moeo. m »_ iffiPI 1 mm ■ 3 , VAsams msTMi oos» mxm WMTWiWd th* bMtcorn Crooner *nd mesh imperfect CaL totcedtti UrtUmK distributor is tte gMM world. Mto » 0 *CATAT.O<jrna _ M risauEiL A. B. L Yote.r*,/ _____..........PI I) 1 4.......................... VIBRATING TELEPHONE. Gives bitant splendid satisfaction. No exor¬ rental fee to pay—Sold outright and guaranteed its to work nicely on lines within compass (s miles;, or money refunded. Constructed on new and scientific vibration. principles; Twoot three works months' entirety by ren¬ tal fee to the Beil Telephone will buy outright a complete prime line. It is th* only PRACTICAL and RELI¬ ABLE non-electric Telephone satisfacti made, and warranted to eive on, or money refunded: AGENTS all caa the make they immense do. profits No and pet wont can previous expe¬ rience required. Where I have no sprat* Telephones may bn ordered direct for private use. Circulars tea. H. T. JOHNSON. Y. 109 8. Division St., Buffalo. V. _ W.D.LITTELL, > oi \\ 0 ( )|