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' BRACE OF FUNNY THINGS i FOUND IN THE COLUMN* OF OCE HUMOROUS EXCHANGES. A Bit of Broken C’hlnn-The Writers' tramp-Tbe Grocer—lint In the Dead wood Country—The Animal Painter* Etc.. Etc. EJT THE DEADWOOD C0UNTBY. Marriage in Arizona: j “Do you take this woman whose hand you’re a squeezin’ to be your lawful , wife, in flush times an’skimp?” -Ireeko, that, about the ^ of it, Squire.” “Do you take this man you’ve j’ined fists with to be your pard through thick an’ thin?” • “ Well, ,/ you’re about right for once, •old ,, man. “All right, then. Kiss in court, an’ I reckon you’re married about a. tight a. the law kin j’ine you. I guess four bits ’ll do, Bill, if I don’t have to kiss the bride. If I do, it’s six bits extra. — Chicago Ledger, ON HOLLER SKATES. £ on her was her .number the lec¬ her room. inK-oars on inense her and regardless of expense, sailed up and down the floor. The girl dashed on; she could not stop; her feet momentum gained. "Down brakes !’’ they cried; ‘ *Oh, maiden, flop!” She greater speed attained. How gracefully she skated there!—just like a big giraffe— and puffed and shrieked in mad despair, and made the people laugh. Then came a burst of thunder sound, on the floor she sat her bustle big and it—oh !— in misery blushed. 8 h o never tried to OO 00 OO OO —H. C. Dodge, in Puck. THE WANING OF THE HONEYMOON. Mrs. OHerfy—“YotUsee, my deaw*, I am prompt about calling, I always mako it a point to call on the bride early, before the honeymoon is over, you know.” Bride (wearily)—“I fear you are too late.” Mrs. Cherry—“Too late l Why, you have hardly got settled in your new home yet.” Bride—“I know; but the honeymoon is over.” Mrs. Cherry—“Over?” Bride—“Yes; the market bills have begun to come in.” NOT THAT KIND OF TIRED. “Mother, did you say I can’t go to the rink to night ?” “Yes, Mamie, I did. Z ■ “Why, mother ?” “Because you have been there every day three times for the past three days, and so much exertion will ruin your constitution.” “Why, f’m not a bit tired, mother.” “Well, if you are not, come and help mo wash these dishes.” “Oh, pshaw ! I’m that kind of tired, but not the skating kind.” She helped wash tho dishes all the same.— Kentucky State Journal. . His Mode.—A joke is told on a Sheriff of Georgia, who went out in the country to “level” on a mule, but being toil that the mules great age exempted liuu truur a levy, tho Sheriff retraced his st« to town, a distance o* nine miles, to examine tho code in reference there He found that the mule’s age was n ijmr to a levy, aud weut back and u nml tbal tbo «»nor bml waited him a» if of th e inter im to run the mule off A Haau I’lXa.—A.wrding to a Mwai r a,K.r lh« DegUIatura of Indiana i. har iue a Inurtl t.mn of il thb wmler trying U,«t four rooumo. of too Jay. vacU in a week. This girl had roller oi - skates, home, When she struck o o effi round, and made so flat, the sat complete, and couldn’t stir; but hide her feet, because those feet hid her. Chicago out her eights • piegave • Like freight * wheels, im pedals more, as Cpoa the Water. » Bread Cast About a month ago an old New Yorker dropped his luggage before the clerk’s desk in an Old Point Comfort hotel and dashed off his autograph in s free and easy hand, “John McKesson, New York city.” Day after day passed aud the visitor secured to be enjoying Virginia with a great deal of zest. When he finally made up his mind to move homeward he tripped onoe more to the clerk’s desk, this time to ask for * his bill. “McKesson! McKesson!’’ ejacufated here for any the Mr. McKesson. -».«Jj No bill ? why, what are you talking about. Do you know how long I’ve been here, Mr. Clerk? “Yes, sir, I do know, but I have orders from headquarters to take none of . your money—not __ a cent. n Now comes on the scene a genial hotel pro prietor to beam upou the MM old Knickerbocker and grasp him by the hm>d after an enthusiastic tehion. “You _ re the same old John McKesson I knew thirty years ago,” ° ejaculated the hotel , . . man. ,,-r,__ Don u. t remember me, el v r Well, let me recall a little incident which happened when I w struggling along in the world years aud years back. You belonged to one of the leading wholesale drug firms in Maiden-lane, and I was the driver of an express One ^ day I . had , to , unload , , some wagon. packages going from your store to some Western town. My boms were seared just as I was handling the goods and one package svaa damped to the ground and broken. At headquarters I was tolu that I’d have to make good the loss, a little matter of $20 or so, whioli meant a great deal to me. With a sore heart I went down to your store the next day to ask what was the lowest figure at wbioli I could settle, and you, without a mo¬ ment’s hesitation, told me that I need not pay one cent, that you oonld staud the loss better than I could, and that mnst be the end of it. But it isn’t the end of it, all the same, for I am making a round $100 a day down here now, though if I wasu t making a cent lm dashed if I’d let you • pay 1 for anything ijnder my roof, if yDU staid ere 'die A f through.” Wt whole year IF A Narrow JKscape. Not long ago a dynamite “drummer” put fifty pounds of that explosive in a cheap trunk aud checked it, at the Grand Central Depot, New York city, for some Northern mines. While the por ters were conveying the trunk to a bag gage-car the oover was knocked loose, and several of the cartridges rolled out. on the platform. Presently he came up to look after his property, aud was asked, timorously, what the cartridges were. “Oh,” he replied, in an impatient tene *, “don’t you know what ‘mining candles , are. .it,,. Cxino mo mo rnno p , and l’ll tie up this tf ’ink.” - The rope was orooured, tbe escaped cartridges were leturned to their iuolos ure, and the “baggage” was sent safely to . its .. destination. , When are Women Old ? ’ -Wlieii does , i begin • i to a womau grow oi( j ?*» was latoly asked m an assembly of French women, who are said IbeW td bo I even more afroid of vieiUir than meu 0 f 0 ther countries, although from t ^ 10 ller vous concealment of their age ouo should imagiue even m this country tJjat uot to r «.maiu eternally young was a thing to be Mshumod of. “With the 1 j rfct Hruv hair,” suggested one of the j lu j u;Mf a nd “When she onuses to inspire love” thought another. The decision WAS ij Urt Jiv put to a eharmiiig white Uaitvd maate© ol ...me IU J««». «Uo at once replied, “What do I know aimut l»» *»• yoa auoh a qumftou. V^teh -how. that at teal on. among tka U w. «“•> “>• r 'S»>‘ '«’P« «°* young. A Natch rz. Miss., negro, seventy ! years of age, has tieen sentenced to the penitentiary for one year for marrying a f white woman. I A Omni Break faM. j Mrs. E.* W. Carpenter, Overlee, Balti more county, Md., write*. ‘I was greatly teoefitted by the ose ol Red SUr Cough Jfo2V£32$S gbe had VS". d« her P doctor cough advice without relief. By connection my she used the Cough Cure iu with an external application of St. Jacob’s Oil to her side. In one night wag like a new peraou> -- Professor De Voe will write a book en the weftther ‘ H >tteate Dlsea**-. Of either sex, however induced, speedilyi thoroughly nud permanently cured. otood taints, Com* plicated ai.d oostinate eases of vous, mental, and organic debility, varico" ture, all permanently cured stair of twelve export specialists in complete constant attendance, constituting the most surgical skill organisation America. nUH n oa j nu ,i in Send history of case and address for illua BuVrSo: 1 N.^ Homy Jan - S me noveluT was 4U years old last week, Dio.v.'iiie-- tu die Guv.tline unless caused by lack of sleep or from over bating, is a symptom of disease. Ii it beat eoiupaiiiod by coated gviu-rul debility, bcfuluelie, loss of appetite, longue and sallow com £**££22 !u \TZ£%S meat of the stomach and bowe s. Dr. hoivu's and purify the htuod aud relievo t ho digestive organs. Don Piatt is writing a Ufo of one of the greatest soldiers-! ie a ge H Thomas, When all so-called remedies fall, Dr. Sage's Cnturrh Koniwly , U!VS Dr. Glenn, the California wheat king, is said to be worth *3,0011,000. several Lohdou managers aro endeavoring to secure Clara Morris for a season in Kng - land. They are clean, swvet, and thorough in nr ft \ >t ins , ailt } y- ( ' a p n nuster. ”,>e. I con hi scarcely speak t It was almost impossible to breathe through my nostril*, Using Ely]* Ciwni Jlalin « short time I was entirely roheyixt. M> heuvl im* not been so nor vaioo*o-tdrot|g in yearn I m\>mv mend this admirable reuusly ta all ttitttetod with catarrh or colds in the head,—*). O, Tichknor, shoe merchant, Kliatiteth, N. J. Price 50 cents. The purest, sweetest and l*\st Cod Liver Oil In the world, mnnuf ictured from fresh, healthy live»*a upon theseohoro. It ih ah*o lutoly pure and sweet, Patiooto who have once taken it prefer it. to all otwk's. Phy*i cians have decided it superior to any of the other oils in market. Made l»y Caswell, Hazard & Co., New York. Chapped hands, face, pimples and rough skin cured bv using Juniper Tar Soap, made by Caswell, Hasaru Co., New York. In Boston it. vests *38.43 to nlucate a vhild imurrh »rti.e madder, chu-Paiba.” 4'^ tl. Several Florida hotels are already making preparations to eloso for the season. "Hougiioo Pain’’ Pi«*t«. Porous and strengthening, {Kunsiu improvetl, side, best for backache, ehest or r \ matism, neuralgia. Druggists or mail. A fast ocean steamer cods between (XtOand #800,000. TUn Hope ol »li« Nation. j J Children, slow , iu . development, , Wells , lleaitli He gt >|. avvl |y and delicate, usa “ ! newer.’’ Tawhiao, the Maori Kimr, ins ded his people to embrace Uhr>K ianity. t on UouuIin »’ Ask fnr .. U<>uel> „ a o.egh..’’ iloarstmees. for Troches, o.bi**, N *rt* Throat, Liquid ^r»e : _________ ! wr ^“ ,, /*T"”ra mp, * 0r ’ ' 0l8 '‘ ,, • h If nftlieted with *oru eyes use Dr. Thomjwon’s Eye Water. Drui:i;i*tsiell it A clean kitchen wastie-»rg> Khot’s favor ite room. Now la the tun* to prevent *nl euro diwaa**. ami toswurea wbitoaut n,»\ u-aa 'sITem'iiV!’ m'.U. h?‘ i'^ug ght, ur bv m*u. rim. Drvydoipd, Fa. *v**r« '(hi, Y w** «***.» !••*.>.> « »<”« • ©ag -1 a Mai «4 a#lti »*« !».»•. >| . a It III »*!•* I | l #M. || . mt. t»r***(| Om.ur ii I ■»»., SvfaiH, #1 *t rv.Hita, Hit «4 HI* 4 V m ml >*t s i • Willi >* ©MatMttMitl i-f »»«. I i n • It S5 % I *,1 h '*•« KmiwnranL I auk » t *n •« V i »«CL M«©«© ©Mai ataitMl hi r.nr .* I | ■ «|t it >y - a. m •I. II (M Uwial feu*' to«rtA»f Htt l**» m.«it 1 * 1 Uf t l | U I, M tfe*» «i iMft-* ai»* uavi mi S Ml « U. Purify Your Blood Tour hl.xxl rosy be la«let» with Impuriti#*#. but Hood'* Xursaporilla will thoroughly clean**. enrich and vitalize It. The meet •evens owet of scrofula, salt rheum, boils, pimple*—in fact all affection* arla ing from impure blood, yield to Hood’s Saraapanll*. the treat blood purtftor. It alao cure* dyspepsia, biliousness, sick headache, kidney and liver com ptaicta, sharpens the appetite and builds up the whole system. Charles O. Robert*. Eaat Wilson, N> Y.. had 13 scrofulous sores on his face and neck. Nothing helped him till he took Hood’s Sarsaparilla, which effected a eomvdete cure. His druggist says it i* •*A Great-Victory” for Hood's Sarsaparilla. •‘Hood's Sarsaparilla has been used with perfect success in our family for canker in the stomach and impure blood. My little one is entirely cured, and we shall continue its use as a family medicine.”—Mas. F. fi. Burton, Somerville, Mass. Hood’s Sarsaparilla Sold by olldrucftWt*. Ws six for IS. Mad© only br 0.1. HOOD A 00.. Aeotheoanoa. Lowell. Mu**. _I Op Doses One Dollar__ For Goad Parpssoa* Mrs A. M. Dauphin of ltfcW Ridge Am Philadelphia, i* well known to the ladies of t!u\t city from the great good she has done by moans of Lydia K. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound. She writes Mia I'inkUam of a recent interesting ease, “A young married lady came to me suffering with a severe ease of Prolapsus and Ulceration. She conuuonoed taking the Compound aud in two months was fully restored. In proof of this she soon found herself in an interesting condition. In* rtuoneod by foolish friends she attempted to evade the responsibilities of maternity. After ten or twelve days she came to luo again and she was indeed in a most alarming state and suffered terribly. I gave her a tahlespoonful of the compound every hour for eight hours until site feel asleep, site awoke much relieved and evidently better. Site continued taking the Compound, and in tkte season site became tit' mother of a Hue medicine healthy hoy. she believes lint for the timely use of the uer life would have been lost.” ELY'S CREAM Cloansea the Head, Allays Inflammation. Heals the Sores. Re¬ stores the Senses of Taste, Email, Hearing. A POSITIVE CURE. Cream galunl enviahle Iue» im n p illation wherever dlsplm'lng all other plied rations Into A each |>art|ile nostril; l« pam; agroealde to u*>u. PrlcufiOc by mull or tu uruggixt. Hem’ mr circular. ELY HUOTIIKUS, t».u . , owegu. N, Y. METAL POISON. I mu arms mul poisoned my whole system, alereiu,) no mlnlstereil helpless Invalid. Inought I <>n Ptnk rheumiitlsm, two dozen hollies nml I '»,'^'ue of Sw rt a » N peel lie. My legs, anus and hands ufe all rl«ld again I use (Item without pain, ftly restoration s due M *• s. s. Pirrifii* K. Lovr, Juu. ii, turn. Augusta. Ua. ULCERS. mid Mo roll ry, mid I hooatno ladph'ss. Mix bullies or swift’s Fob. 'JH, KpootUu 1 hhM. made a iiorujuuont It, V/11.S0N. euro. Gainesville, Go. Swift’s spootllo Is onllroly vegetable. Treatise »>n Blood mul skin Diseases mailed free, Tun Swii'T Sno'ipio Co., Drawer 3, Atlanta, Ga., or l,y,i \v. ; , .i d st. . N Y. —■ LF PAGE'S ■LIQUID m?{fAkfcWmm,raw.!. ©LUE N .s Awartlcil OOI.D MEDAL, LONDON, ISS3 U»«l by nltnCirCt.kr. M««on x lUmhu Mril only xml Pmim l>v tho Co., fMJSSIA rnlliiuia CEMENT CO. OLOUCUSTER. MASS. SOLO EVERYWHERE. HurMumpW. Tin Gnu by Mill, 'JAu. FRAZER AXLE GREASE. t’uat In tin' Worlt*. niftiltxinlvtiy Git> KranurLnhrlra >>»rCo. »U’ltk u«o, N. Y. A Si. Lou Is. Sold* vwriw umwa: OX < j | j j • .V n I PATCH WORK. Sill'S* I3 21l#a C*cattnjltsh Cottand »»«V» Hhifcniatic Hemedy. iuum.1, Mt ets. MORPHINES 0». J. C. Hi .rf HAN, Joftrtoa. WiMMJi*. «s SLY’S FEVER m ■a-’Q ^ hV ■ *• ■bf opiipjk *1 I I t. w Ml l.ytns Atfftita runt KF.LLamU*'U llttf t rut It Illi.fUt l.'NtH. I’ut Villi i l S. ...I S I ANIlAfUl m"’! *'«<> if you (Lu© . $60.5 TON WAGON SCALES. th-ani ll«x Tun’ Barn, rwtgbi I’unl |'m Mr« l.t-t. Kv*ry Sian. •ndnwJOlTZS 01 BilTOilAMTIH. Jli>fUUAMTO».N. r. Kt:; ’;% i iwrkuw 3a«’, i.utbr *•* ■* lor .0,« hdjI •Sitka. willmi I'N ... It.tolor. N Y .!.•< A. G. UASM'.Tl. it ■«