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CONDENSED STOWES. ' The Cat Wa« the Only One Preeant Not Embarrassed. The late Thomaa B. Heed enjoyed a joke on no one more than on himself. One such is related by a ■Washington society woman who en joyed his personal friendship. After all, the joke wai chiefly on ie lady, which my be the reason iy she and not Mr. Seed was the narrator. She is a cat enthusiast. Many and beautiful are the cats she A LITTLE NONSENSE. Butinas. Arrangement of a Man Who Was Too Heavy. The big man was annoyed. “The fact is," the tailor had told him, “that you are so much larger than tb average man that we’U have to ...ake an extra charge for your suit." The big man had been up against the same proposition before, and be did not like it. Many and beautiful are the cats she j “Do you make a reduction to owns; grave and reyerend are their I small men ?” he asked, names, chiefly borrowed from emi-J “Well, no; that isn’t our custom," nent public personages^ but none was | the tailor admitted. The fat man felt that the tailor thus secured an advantage that be ought not to have. “How much cloth does it take to make a suit for a man of good size, but not too large to get In at the regular price?” no asked. “In oth er words, what’s the maximum that you allow?” The tailor told him. “Suppose I order double that* amount of cloth made up into two suiter “That’s all right," said the tailor, “bnt I don’t see what good it will do you.” “I’ll get them both at the regular price, won’t I?” • “Certainly." “And it’s nothing to you wheth er there is the samo amount of ma terial in each or a lot in one and very little in Ihe other r "No-o." “All right. Just take my order for two suits. I’ve got it fixed with a little skinny fellow in the next block to go in with me on this, and we’ll just about inako the average weight. I'd rather divide whet save with him than let a tailor gi me the worst of it.”—Chicago Post. more handsome or dignified than the one she had named “Mr. Reed." When one day the two “Mr. Seeds” accidentally met in her re ception room and the more illus trious of them, attracted by the beauty of his furry namesake, stooped to stroke him and ask “What do you call him?” the lady had a bad quarter of a minute. She did not know just how the czar of the house of representatives would like the idea that a cat had been named for him. So ahe stum bled out a hastily invented fictitious name, and the conversation passed to other topics, when suddenly a per emptory voice sounded on the stair way—“Mr. Beedl’ 1 “Mr. Heed!” it continued. “Are you in the parlor? What are you doing in that parlor?” Before any explanations could be made a white „ capped head was thrust in the door way and an angry looking maidserv ant cried, “Come out of that parlor, I tell you, Mr. Reed I” It is not on record that the cat seemed embarrassed.—Philadelphia Press. The Baker’s. Romance. During a recent tour in Spain Mmc. Ella Russell received at her hotel every evening a parcel contain ing cakes, such as could be bought Weary the Crook In Herd Luck. “Now, then, young feller," said Weary the Crook, “hand over that fat pocketbook, plearfe, at once. “That’s right Now, I shouldn’t be surprised if it contained a cool hundred. in bank notes. It’s fat enough." at an ordinary pastry cook’s. One evening as she was leaving the hall she was accosted by a small individ ual, who took of! his hat and bowed like a haughty Castilian. He an nounced to the famous singer, much to her surprise, that he had noticed on each of the twenty nights on which sho had sung in “Lucia di Lemmermoor” she had always gazed at him in his seat in the topmost gallery. His mother hod a hakeryi in the town, lie was an only son, and placed his hand, his heart and his fortune at her feet. Won by a Photograph. A pretty story is told of the in troduction of the king of Portugal to bis charming and clever wife. One day, when the crown prince, as ho then was, was cslling on the French ambassadress, bis attention was arrested by the photograph of a sweet faced, fair haired girl on the mantelpiece. Taking up the photo graph to examine it more closely, no said to the ambassadress: “What a charming young lady I” “Yes,“was the answer, “and she is as charming as she looks. She is tjie Princess Amelie of Orleans.” On the following day the prince was on his \nf to Paris, and a fort night later his engagement to the beautiful princess was formally an nounced to the world. Two Killsrs. It is a very rare thing for General Baden-Powell to be at a loss for repartee, and his most humorous sayings are generally spoken in a low, even voice and with a serious look only belied by the twinkling of bis eyes. At a luncheon party a celebrated doctor waa Chaffing him. “And bow do yon feel when you have killed a man professionally?” be asked. ' “Ob," said Baden-Powell imper turbably, *T don’t mind it. How do yon feel under the same tirenm- Jstaaccs?" But it didn’t. It only contained a lot of advertisements for situa tions vacant which that young man had meant to apply fur. ' Unfortunate Phrase. “Oh, John,".cried Mrs. Subbnbs the moment he got home, “you told the cook this morning to clean up the silver, didn’t you r’ “Yes,” he replied. “Why?” “Well, she cleaned up the silver and a lot of other things, and she’s gone with them.” — Philadelphia Cause and Effect. “She’s - terribly troubled with corns.” “Why, she told me she hedn’t one.” "I know. They’re her husband’s, and they make him too cross for anything."—Philadelphia Bulletin. Little Willie. Willie—Mr. Oldboy, why do the psy^fou are in your second child Mother—Willis! | Willie—Oh, I know; It'll because yon are baldheadcd, just liko baby Dick.—Boston Transcript Tb# Great Condition. Lover—Hay I have your answer now?— Father—Can you keep my daugh ter supplied with expensive automo biles as she has been used to?—D. troit Free Press. FOB THE LITTLE ONES. A Brava Little Bey Who Baved His Brothsr Prom a Cougar. Four children of Mr. Rodenbeig, whose home is at Big Skookum, go to school at a public school house a long way off. One Wednesday during the last of June tbeae chil dren, being on the road homeward, were straggling along at some dis tance from one another, when s cougar sprang out qf an ambush and seized the little boy who brought up-the rear. This little fellow was the youngest of the party, being only six years old, and least likely to resist the beast, as that watchful creature seems to bsvc known when it saw the .school children goihg by (ingle file. The cougar seized the lad by the head and eat upon him, snarling at the older boy of the party, an eight- year-old youngster, who came to save his brother. The brave boy had in his right hand a milk bottle of heavy glass. lie took hold of ono of the cougar’s ears and with the bottle began to beat the snarl-, ing beast over the head. At the had third or- fourth blow the bottle broke and a hundred fragmenta of glass were scattered about It is CONDENSED STORIES. Joaquin Mmol's Story of the Colonol’o Inherited Title. Joaquin Miller was one of the first investors in Texas oil wells. Passing the question of' financial profit, theso w<-i ■ furnished him with at least on. good story. Tha poet visited the l.ouc Star State to inspect his property and there mat s man who answered tc^tho title of “colonel.” One day when this man and the poet were together the talk turned to the war of secession. Mil ter thought his companion had taken part in that struggle, but the colonel said he had been a nom-om- batani. Then Miller made u hold guess that the title wus derived fr<y i a militia commission. ll.:t not so, jor was it a result of an ment on the governor’s staff. Xei ther did it come from service .lur ing the Spanisli-Amcrican unable. “Ah,” said Miller at last, think ing he had the mystery solved, commanded the Texas rangt-t one time. They were hrave men, and it was on honor to lend them. 1 “No,” said the colonel, “1 never anvthing to do with tha crs.” 1’cll, tell me,” persisted Miller, “is the titlo merely assumed? Have possible that some of the fragments ’ you no right to it ?” entered the com for aa soon as tl rich entered the cougar’s biasing oyes,’ _ “Certainly I have a right to it— on ns let go his bold and ran oil into the bushes, from which he die not again emeri Meanwhile the unhurt children took the wounded boy into a neigh boring farmhouse. The wounds were all flesh wounds and when they had been dressed tho little fellow grew quite animated in his account of tho adventure.—Seattle Post-In telligencer. Sharing the Birthdays. In Japan they have a very simple method of dealing with birthda celebrations, the people waiving al. claim to their individual natal day. Thero are two goncral birthdays, one' for each sex. The male birth day, which is known as “tho cele bration-of tho boys," occurs on the third day of the third month and tho “celebration of the girls” on tho fifth day of the fifth month. These days are general holidays for the young. The birthday of the mika- do, or ten-o, as he is more properly termed, is also a general holiday throughout the country, tho houses being decorated with flags and in numerable colored lanterns. Conundrums. What country is like a happy dog? America (i-mcrry-cur). Which is the biggest, Mr. Bigger*! baby or Mr. Bigger? Mr. Bigger*! baby is a littla Bigger. is a farmer cruel, to his corn? TVhon he pulls its ears. If a good boy wears hi* pants out what will he do? Wear them in •gain. An Accurate Division. Charlie was given seven choco lates to bo divided between himself and his lister Grace. He commenced eating one, and when ha was asked why he didn’t divide with Grace he said: “Because I hare to cat one be fore they will divide even."—Little Chronicle. Natural Bcltnce. Pot some perfectly clear limewa- ter into a tumbler, and. through a flans tube, breathe into it. Tha wa- er will become as white as milk. After it has remained undisturbed for awhile a deposit of white pow der will be found at the bottom of the glass. Master Mutiny. Just sis rears today I bsvs lived la the world With miT hair Uks s Ctrl's, all twisted and curled. And the bora on tha street, when I paaa them, all cry: ke’ he tho best kind of right," replied the colonel ja an sflcuded ipu#. “I, youmust know how I got itl’ll tel you. I inherited it.” "Inljoritcd it I” ejaculated Miller. “From whom, your father?” “No, sir. From Colonel James Smith, who died two years ago. married his widow." — New York Times. Bogus Bohemlanlsm. The real bohemian docs not wish to be put on show for the delects, tion of persons who do not under stand him. There is a story told of Maurico Barrymore which Ulus- Wall rvs takas thpsa hateful old curl, off today. And now when they mast aw warn an noun ms bat ore tub book. trite* this point Entering a famous bohemian club in New York night, he found a lot of commercial men in toll possession. They greet ed “Barry" effusively. He had hard, ly got himself “fairly aat" when one of them slapped him on the back and said, "Barry, speak us a piece." Then a chorus saia: “Yes, get fun ny, old man. Cut np. Wo’ve aU heard that you were a great enter tainer." Barry glared around for a moment and thon said, “I’ll do a bandspring for you, gentlemen, bnt I can’t speak a piece.’’ Then he reached through the silence and picked his hat off tho hook.. That was tha last time he entered the club. . Tha Taciturn Man. Mrs. Van Vorst, tho author of "Tho Woman Who ToUs," bad many amusing and odd adventures during her life as a worker. One adventure that has not heretofore been printed concerned a taciturn man. She met this man on a New Eng land rood mending a worm fence. "Can you’tell mo," sho said to him, “how far it is from hero to the next town?" He pointed forward. “Milestone little further on will teU you," he growled. Budeness such as this vexed Mrs. Van Vorst. “But the milestone will b* no good to me, for I can’t read,” sbasaid. Thereupon the taciturn man chuckled a little. “Ho, ho,” he said. “It is just the kind of mile stone for people that can’t read, for all the writin’a been washed off of it” Didn’t Nssd Halp. Tha late Bav. George Koenig, a Brooklyn clergyman, who was rath er puritanical in his views, rebuked one of his periabioners whom he saw with her hair profusely curled. “U tho Lord intended your hair to curl," he said, “h* would bar# curl ed it for you." Whereupon the young lady replied saucily: "He did when I was a baby, but now I am quit* able to curl it my- salf." THE DAGUERREOTYPE. Odd Notions Concerning tho When It Wm Now. Many amusing retimrka wore made at the doors of daguerreotype galleries when they were first opeued lu this country. A small frame coutuiulng a dozen speclmena would draw a crowd. Ono man would uudertako to describe bow they were made. “You look In the machine, and tho plcturo comea-lf you look long enough." Another would ■ay: "It la not so much the looking tkat does It The sun burns It In If you keep still” Another mude It all very plain by stating, “The plate la a look ing glass, and when you alt in front ot It your shadow sticks on the plate.” How It came about waa never known, but the Impression became general that the sitter must not wink. No operator of Intelligence eyer told the sitter not to wink, for the effort to refrain would have given the eye an unnatural expression. We found It a doty to tell tho titter to wink aa usual; that natural wlnklug did not affect tb# picture. Even then It was not always understood. One old lady juryped out of the chair beforo a Bitting waa half over, raising both bands and exclaim ing: “Stop it stop It! I winked!” Another remarkable fact was that allters seldom uck now lodged their own likenesses. “All good but mine,” wss the common decision. An aged couplo after examining their pictures came to this conclusion, “Marla, yours Is per fect but this docs not look like me.” But the old lady answered, “Jeems, yours Is as natural aa life, but mine Is a failure.” After a longer consultation tbp gentleman. JWtfi, "We ju«|t know neb other better than wo know ourselves." At one time when Daniel Webiter eat for o degucrreotjpo tho finished picture was hold before him. Turning awajr, be said: "I am not to lodge of mj own looks It la for jou to lodge, and you mnst decide whether the work Ir worthy of your reputa tion.”—A. Boganlua In Century. MISTAKES IN LIFE. ■roodlnv Over Whom fa (laelaaa aa! Uapruntabl. Work. Ono of the moat unprotltoblo ways of spending time Is the practice, to - which many poraona aro addicted, of brooding over the mistakes one has msdo in life and thinking 'what be might have been or achieved If he had not done at certain tlmea Just what he did da Almost every unsuccessful man In looking over his past career la Inclined to think that It would have been wholly dllferont but for certalo •lips and blunders-ccrtaln baity, ill considered acta Into which be waa be trayed almost unconscloualy and with out a suspicion of their consequence*. Aa he thinks of all the good things of thla world—honor, position, power and Influence-of which ho baa bera deprived In some mysterious. Inexplica ble way, be baa no pathmee with him self, and aa It la painful and humiliat ing to dwell long upon ono's own fol lies It la fortunate If he doeMttot Im plicate others—friends and relatlvas— In bla disappointments. Perhaps, as education has never been free from mistake*—mistake* Indeed of every klnd-be Impute* tha blatnt to bis early training, In which habits of thor oughness and accuracy or, again, of •elf reliance and Independence of thong lit may not have been Implant- Perhaps a calling was chosen for by bla parents without regard to Via peculiar talents or tastes and pref erences, or If be waa allowed to choose tor himself It waa when bla lodgment was Immature and unlit fOr the rrepoo- albtUty. The result waa that the square man got Into the round hole or the tri angular man got Into the square bole or the round man squeezed hlmaolf Into *ho triangular hole.—Ijnccsaa, CONDENSED SYQfllES. Haw Bishop Potter Dot tha Bast af a Treasured Joke. San Francisco is still repeating and laughing over the bonmots Bishop I’otter let drop on the oc- cation of his visit to that city two years ago to attend the Episcopal masvention. At that time tha citizens Were very much astir because the famous eastern bishop was to be a visitor within their gates, and they vied with one another to honor their guest. The bishop was kept busy declining the invitations that he had not timo to accept. But one invita tion that be did avail himself of was to occupy the magnificent resi dence of William Crocker, one of the millionaire families of which Mrs. Francis Burton Harrison tnd Mrs. Alexander aro eastern representa tives. The house is a showy ono, situat ed upon Nob hill, where the early California millionaires built their homes, so it is a "show plaoe." It camo to have a double in tercet when it was occupied by the bishop. One day a San Franciscan was showing the group of residences to a friend who was visiting in the city. As they approached the “Will Crocker” home he sprang the treasured joke which bo had been saving for the right moment. “Thia," said he, with a flourish, “is Mr. Crocker’s Pottery.” j Ho did not recognize the gentle- mnn who was at that moment de scending the steps. It was the bish op, who could not lelp overhearing and who had a twiuklo in hia eye. “I hog |Avdon for correcting yo - '," he said, ‘Tint you are mistaken. This is llislmp Potter’s Crockery."— Washington Star. A liar* Crlllr. A clergyman woe rebuked by one of the ruling elders for saunter!ug on the. Sunday along. the hltlsldo above tho n. The clergyman took the re- buko In good part, but tried to show tho remonstrant that the action of which bo complained was Innocent end lawful, end bv was about to cite tho famous example of a Sabbath walk, with the plucking of the ear* of corn, 1. a«t forth In tho go. pc la, when b« waa tnterruptad with the remark, "Ou aye, air, 1 ken wool what you mein to any. but for my palrt I ban nefor thocht tha better o' them for breakln’ tha Hawbbath." — Gelkle'a "Scotch Rem iniscences." • Tha Konger*. Slat. ■One of tha queerest little animals of the antipodean wilds of Ihe paradox, leal continent of Australia la a little aoologlcal oddity which the netnrellata bare celled the kangaroo raL It av erages no. larger than the common ro dent of tho Norway variety, bnt la a miniature kangaroo In every respect Its mode of locomotion la precisely the •ame as that of Macropus gtgantaiis. Besides thla, tha female carries Its young In pouches which nature baa provided for that purpose and In many other respects Imitates the habits and characteristics of Us gigantic relative Be Room Par Donbt. "Ob, my, yap, ha’s away np In Shake speare" “Is he? I shouldn't hare gncreed that he had ever read a line of Shake- "Tbat’e strange Haven't you noticed that every littla while ha says in •oothr “-Chicago Record-Herald. A Uttlo laetleed te It niaaaelL Towns—There's nothing I bate re much as a lazy man.. Brownw-WeU, I wish there were more of them. Towns -Too do? Itrowue Sura. The more we'd hare In Tim. to L«am. One of tho latest stories of the strange reasoning of negroes comes from J. H. Stoddart, tho veteran actor, and is of an incident he wit nessed in 1-ouisiane on a tour through that part of the country. “I had an afternoon lay, off in this Louisiana town,” said the ac tor, “and with nothing to do room ed about tho place. Fnitlly I got to the courthouse and went in. A negro trial was on, and s typical old darky waa one of the witnesses. He was fixing tho timo of the occur rence of tnc trouble and said it waa half past 3 in the afternoon. “ 'How do you know it was half oast 3?’ demanded the lawyer for the .other side. “ 'Why, I—I knowed it we* half past 3 by my watch. I knowed it,’ stammered the darky. “‘Can-you tell time?’ demanded the lawyer. “ 'Sure, I can toll time;' answered the witness. “ ‘What time is it now?* demand- ad the lawyer, pointing to the dock.. “The darky qf tidied the dock for a minute; then he said he did not know what time it was. ‘"But I thought you could toll time,’ said the lawyer, with anger. ‘"Well, I can toll time, bore, by my -watch,’ said the (larky, 'bnt I isn't toll no time v by no dock.’ ” One Thing Clark Fergeb A call for a minister was about to be isauod in Champ Clark’s home town in Missouri, san tho Washing ton correspondent of the New Yon World. It was made; and whan tb* minister arrived the church commit tee found thl miniatcr and Repre sentative Clark wero old school mates. They went to him and ask ed him about tho now minister. “He’s ~a good man,” said Mr. Clark. “He will infuso new Ufe into the church and is ono of the most sociable fellows I ever met lie is eloquent, tellk a good etory of the right kind and will be quite an addition to our town.” Tho committee started to leave, feeling very good over having made such an excollont selection, when Clark called them back, saying: “Oh, I forgot to toil you that Dr. Blank ia fierce when ho gets drank. There’s no handling him when he drinks." A Humorous Sheriff. Jack Steel used to be sheriff down in Representative Dougherty’s dis trict in Missouri, and Mr. Dougher ty tells this story on him: "Tho county judge -was a man weighing 300 pound*. Steel, who kept the local hotel, summoned a j ury for a term, and not one of tha urors weighed less than 2S0 pounds. On tha first cess called Steel fed the jurymen e dinner consisting of plen ty of onions, buttermilk and other soporific foods, with the result that in the afternoon ail of them and the judge went to sleep. ‘jJBheriff,’ said the judge on awak- tnnff, ‘this court is hero for busi ness. In future I want you to se lect a jury with a single eye to jus tice,' “‘Yet your honor/ answered Steel. "The next panel summoned con sisted entirely of one eyed men."