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CEASER PERKINS. Caesar Perkins was the /a«t negro member of the Virginia legislature. Caesar was black—very bUck. Not a •drop of white blood coursed through his veins. Just before the expiration of hia term Caesar scored the Demo* •crau in a humorous speech for their .failure to keep a campaign promise to submit the prohibition question to the voters of the State. "Yawl Democrats/ ’ be sald~-for •Caesar was untutored and expressed himself in genuine darky dialect—“is '"bout ter let dls Assembly break up ^rldont kecpln* yo* promts' ter pass on •do ticker question. You was mighty pert ter promis' 'fo' de lection, an' f ipeck X kin spin a yarn right here ▼hat'll 'splain btzneas for de gatls* ifaction of de people. Yo* capers 'brings ter mid' mouai'ua forcible do /story ur de cat an' de rat. “Dat tale wae tor ter me in ol’ Cum* ' berlan* county, down on Jeema'e Riv er, when 1 wasn't nowbar near bein’ grow’d up. It runs tout like dls: “One time dar was a big tub er licker eettln’ out in de barnyard. ▲ rat come outer his hoi’ an’ 'gun ter trutse *roun* de place. He seed dat tub, an* he smell Bumpin', he didn't "Jcno* what. He kep’ on nosin' 'roun* twel fus* thing be knoWd he was on de rim er de tub. ffe crawl 'roun' an' "roun*, and fall right smack inter dat 4ub er licker. Try hard as be could lie couldn* git out. It looked like de Jig wot up wid 'lm, sho’. He make a mighty npulttcratlon, but ’twan't no use. Dar ho was, an* dar it seem as If ho gwlneter stay. “Des tout dat time a cat come 'long th'oo do barnyard. Mr. Cat heorQ de splashin' In do tub. an' bein’ a gemman of much curiosity he tuk an' far up on his hln’ feet to soe what de dacket was Boon's he seed -de nice, fat rat in dar Mr. Cat fa'rly grinned. Mr. Rat ntng out. he did, 'Howdy. Mr. Cat? Dls la a mighty plckie I'se In. But It seem much mo* natchul ter me ter be et up by you dan *.ter git drownded in dls nasty tub er i whisky; an' ef you'll git me outer dia you kin eat mo ter yo' dinner.' “De cat take de rat out, but as Mr. Hat was des drlppln' wld licker he nay tor hlsse’f 'It won't never do for *no ter tackle 'lm while he's so aoak* ed. an* I reckon I’ll dea fotch Mm out In der aun an’ lot Min dry off good.' After ho done toted Mm nway ho aot •dar watchln* an' thlnkln' wnat a nice dinner he gwlneter have. De sun ahtno so warm de cat fall fas’ tor . ■loop. "Mr. Rat, he 'skivered dat. so he •rope off right easy, an* 'twan't long •fo' he was In his hoi' safe an' soun*. TO© cat wake up. look 'roun’ au’ say: • 'III! Whar my rat? I sho'ly had •im her® 'fo' I fell ersleep/ “Den he go ter de hole an’ sing out, 'Heyo, Mr. Rat Is you In dar?* "'Oh, yes,' hollered back the rat; ‘"•n* dea 'bout ter take a nap.' “ ‘Coma out a few mlnlts/ says Mr. Cat. “ ‘Cant right now/ says Mr. Rat. “‘But. Mr. Rat. you 'members yo* •promts' ter me/ says Mr. Cat. '"What I promis' your says Mr. Hat. “'You aald ef I tuk you outon dat tub I might eat you tor my dinner/ “'Oh. pehaw! Mr. Cat! You sho’ly mus' be Jokin’. You aln* '•pectin* ter bol me ter dat, U you? Why. man. I was In licker when I made you dat .■promis’.' “An. I tell yon, feller member*.* -concluded Caesar Perklne. “It »u de -name wld de Democrat. In de cam* -palm When der promleed ter hare de local option question aubmlttod ■ter de people day w»e In licker. too." —Philadelphia Poet. JAWS TWO FEET LONG. Head ol Monster Unearthed by Work, man in England Recently. An Interesting discovery of the re mains of a prehistoric animal baa been made near Peterborough, England. While engaged In some excavations at a depth of twenty feet In the clay, some workmen alighted upon the huge head of a monster of the alligator typo. The Jaws were two feet In length, and wero flrmly clinched to gether by the presence of the earth through countless years. The bones/ however, were In an excellent state of prestnratioD. The creature has b «n determined to be a momber of the •teneosaurus family. Other interest- ing remains of a similar nature hare also been unearthed la the same dis trict Tree That Whistles. A ipecles of acacia which growa very abundantly In Nubia and the Soodan Is called the “whistling tree” by the natives. Its shoots are fre quently distorted In shape by the agency of larvae or Insects and swol len Into a globular bladder from one to two inehts In diameter. After the Insoct has emerged from a circular hole In the side of this swelling, the opening,-played upon by the wind, be comes a musical Instrument sugges tive of a sweet-toned flute. The whist ling tree Is also found in the West About nil the snbnrbanlte raises IS his garden la blisters. 8omo men's tdcss of charity is to contribute to a campaign fund. The now woman was a failure be cause there were no new men to match. The average man has a bettor opin ion of himself than the I-ord has of him. It Is easier for »n orator to make s speech than It Is for the speech to make him. When n man flatters you put on your spectacles and look around for the ax he has to grind. No Cordelia an Indulgent husband doesn't always come home early. Sometimes ho’s too full to get home. After walking home from the race track a man la in the humor to sneer at his wife for taking chances on the prize cake at a church fair Swim Acreaa Atlantic. The whales that awlm about the Inlands which llo olf the coast of Nor way and Finland, In March and April, travel Immenso distances. In May they turn up at the Axorca or even at the Bermudas and sometimes pay a visit to the Antilles. They swim fast, tor la June they are back again off Norway. 8ome of then* whalea have been known to bring back evldencea of where they have been, for harpoons of the peculiar kind used oB the coast of South America have been found stuck In them. Th* Sky* Crofter*. During the crofter disturbances In 8kye a British gunboat was stnt up to Portree, having on board, among other people, tha shorts of Invernese- shlre, Mr. Ivory. A clergyman who sympathised with tha croftan took for his taat on tha following Sunday tha words from King* 10:M: "Once la three years earn* tha navy of Tar- shtsh. bringing Ivory and span and peacocks." •Th* Philadelphia Telegraph" re- | cords the following old (iermtn story which Is wsll worth repest Ing: A father, when hi* daughter became a bride, gave her a golden casket, with the Injunction not to piss It Into other hands for It held s charm which In her keeping would be of Insetimablo j Mveral^Inches tn lcngtt. Th* rtn*. 1 * value to her as the mistress of ‘ — » •" w "“ m * * " Seven Inch Estsnslon Ring. A Philadelphia girl baa what It ap parently an ordinary tour-coil aerpant ring. It Is, however, provided with an Inflnltesimnl number of tiny Joint* which ar* only dlacarnnble upon the closest examlnstlon but which permit tha ring to b* extended Into a spiral .house. Nut only was she to hare tha en- . dire car* of It but abe was to take It -every morning to the cellar, tha hitch- wo. the dining room, the library, tha bedroom, and to remain with It In ouch place for Are minutes, looking carefully about Attar th* laps* of three year*, tha father was to sand th* key. that tha secret talisman might be revealed. Th* key wan seat Th* casket waa -opened. It waa found to contain an -old parchment on wkteh war* written ghee* words: Tha cyan of th* Bla mes* ar* worth oat haodrtd pain of •arrants* hands." The wist father knew that a prac tice of Inspection followed faithfully for three year* would breams a habit and be MM perpetuated—that tha gold- •a casket and th* hidden charm would Jbart accomplished their mission. over 10 years old and was made In Franco. DefinSiT^rXpVehe^ J * When Delegate 8mlth waa repre senting Arison* In Cuagms*. In order to Influence legislation ho gave Con gress the following statesmanlike In formation: "The Apache Indians can no mors be civilized than can th* rattlesnake* upon which h* lives." We hat* Just visited th* Apaches In -Arizona, and th* mpartatandant of th* reservation school told us th* Apaches -do not arm kill snakes, much lass aat them, and that noma time ago a few of hi* boya warn out on th* aid* a* tha mountain sad Mod a Inigo sasra. t Having hoard that white mem always A Tiny Boat of Paari. A Jeweler In Turin has mad* a tiny boat of n single pearl. The bull la finely shaped, and might serve as a modal tor a racing sloop, th* anil 1* of beaten gold, studded with dia monds. and th* binnacle light Is a perfect ruby. An emerald serves as Its rudder, and its stand Is a slab ol Ivory. IU weight Is leas than an ounce. and it Is aald to bar* coat 14.000. Petrified Milk in Austria. In the making of petrified milk or galaltth. In Austria, *0,000 quarts of skimmed milk ar* used dally. Th* casein Is precipitated by chemicals and mix ad with formalin. This pro duct la used ns n substitute for horn, turtle shell. Ivory, celluloid, marble, amber, and hard rubby,_ . Alaska Net as Daaolatr. Alaska did **0,000.000 worth of trad* with Pacific coajt cities la n single year, dug 110,000,006 of gold, caught *1,000,000 worth of salmon, turned out coal enough to prove herself self- supporting In fuel, kept two tank ship* busy exporting petroleum and operated at least too (teamen on th* rtikoa. Quinine In India. Th* Inhabitants- of malarious re gions la India eta now purchase qui nine at practically coat price. It U put up ta assail packages by th* gov ernment and sold at tha rate of 1 cant tor ten grains. Thar* an aald to b* U0 glacier* la th* Alps ont aw* mow ta laagth. There was no denying that Mrs. Hulbert had "nerves” in an aggra vated form. When there waa abate lutely nothing to worry about It worried her most of all—and when woman gets to that stago ttbe It hope less. Therefore the state she was la when she decided to Join - some friends at a lummer resort and to shut up her Hat can roadlly be Imagined. I would be' left alone, at the merer of house breakers and thieves. To be sure, there was Mr. Hulbert, but as be was a traveling man and borne only at brief intervals he did not count in the least Mrs. Hulbert’s Imagination being good she saw her flat In various forms of topsy-turviness Immediately after her departure, rilled of bric-a-brac and rugs and completely despoiled of valuables. She had no doubt tha eager burglars were even then hover- lag around near corners feverishly waiting for her to get out of sight before pushing Id to seise the spoils. She bent all ber energies to fall them. The silver she took down to the bank, hiring a oab at the oost of *3. Her furs wero stored and she de scended on two friends in the build- ins with a petition that they would take charge of her oriental rugs dur ing her absence. Several choice pieces of pottery also sho distributed about the habited put of the building and when she had finished It marau ders had succeeded tn getting in they would have been confronted by a choice between the gas range and heavy furniture. With her temperament, however, this waa not the slightest comfor' to Mrs. Hulbert. She thought of all sorts of schemes which she confided to every ono as each struck her. The back windows had burglar catcbes and could not be raised. Of course, the glass might be cut out, but she must ohance that. After bolting' the hack door she moved the refrigerator against that No one but a human fly could soale the front wall and enter by the parlor windows, but the front door bothored her. It could not bo bolted, as In that, case she herself would be reduced to departing by a rope ladder, which was out of the quostlon. She concluded to leave the FELL IN LINE* And Irish Wit Saved Him from Flnt or Imprisonment. On a recent morning some 30 prie* oners were lined up for hearings, and included in the bunch were several Chinamen. As the long line slowly moved toward the magistrate as case after case was disposed of the celes tials finally came to the front The en suing dialogue did not differ mater ially from those of other cases and was as follows: "What’s your name?” by the magli* trate. “Ah Sin,” from the prisoner. Questions aa to the residence and occupation of the prisoner followed* and then this; "You are charged with being drunk and making a disturbance down on 9th street’’ "Yee; me dlunlc/* "Ten dollars or ten days,” waa the way In which the case waa dismissed. The next Chinaman gave his name aa Ah Dee, the charge being disorderly conduct and making a row in a res taurant It was disposed of In the same way. The third Chinaman gave his name aa Ah Hln. "Seems to me there's a good many of you Aha,” remarked the magistrate, “and you seem to be a pretty disorder* ly lot You are charged with striking a man on the street while you were drunk. How is that?" "Yep; me hit him/' was the short reply.” “Ten dollars or ten days." The next prisoner was a big Irish man who had been paying particular attention to the cases proceeding him. "What’s your name?’’ “Ah Hell!” retorted the son of Erin, wrathfully/'Phat does it matter? It’e tin dollars or tin days annyway.” But he was mistaken; he got off easier.—Philadelphia Telegram. Breaking the Sad News. “Mrs. Gottwadds," said the gentleman, as he took a seat in the luxurous draw ing room. “I—that is—please don’t let yourself be unduly alarmed, but I have come to break some sad news to you.” "O. heaven!” she cried, throwing up her hands and casting at him an agon ized look, "its my boy! Something has happened to Reginald! Speak! Tell me that he is not—dead/’ "No, ho Is not dead. Calm yourself, I must Insist that you try to control your nerves. You see—” "But he is hurt! He went away in his automobile an hour ago. Some thing has happened. Tell mo—tell me! I cannot bear this terrible strain. My poor boy! Tell me that he will get well! Have pity! Have pity on me!” "O, ho Isn't hurt at all. He’s lust v REMINISCENT. I love to think of boyhood days; The farmhouse nestling low, The wood I chopped, the chores I did In days of long ago. 'Twas then I labored in the sun To raap the golden wheat; 'Twas then I drove the cattle home Through twilight dusk and sweet. I see again the upturned earth, The ftrrows of the plough— I love to think and thank my stars I needn’t do it now. —McLandburg Wilson in N. Y. 8un. Only Two Kinds of Men. Representative John 8harp Wil liams went to Texas a few days ago with a party of prospective English land investors. They stopped at • small town, and the mayor took them to the leading saloon and Introduced them to the bartender, saying: "Jack, these gentlemen are earls, dukes and lords from England. What do you think of that?” “Weil, Bill/' said the bartender, to the mayor, “ they ain't but two dosses of men In this here place. One class takes sugar in their’n and the other ain’t to denied particular. What'll you have, gents?"—Pittsburg Dispatch. A Simple Matter. ■ Senator Depew tells the following sea story, fn addition to the genial doctor's word the story has internal evidence of being genuine. Sevv/al men In the smoking room of a liner were discussing the wonders of navi gation. All agreed that the accuracy pf the readings was marvelous. At this point a very heavy looking En glishman interrupted. 'T say/' he drawled, “it's deuced strange, you know, how they ever find their way over—deuced strange! Now, of course, going back it's awfully sim ple. They’ve only to follow the straight white line the ship has made/* sound in body and limb os I am. window ©hades up and made every i The truth is— 11 one promise if he or she ©aw the hint of a light in her flat to investigate at once. And ton days after she left tho woman across the hall saw a li'iht in the Hulbert fiat She rang up the Janitor and flew to tell the woman on the floor above. In the hall the three reoonnoltered "But I thought you ©aid it was going to be something terrible? Ah, you are deceiving me! I must know all! Don't torture me this way. You are cried! I will be brave! I will try to bear up. O, my boy! My poor boy! Take me to him. Where Is he?’’ ‘You see, he was going faster than i reoonnoltered and agreed it #>l _h «m in^AAa Mm ti-Kt _ _ _ ... the law allowed, and ran over an old Indeed tie light from a gas Jet llu , r , They've arrested him for men- la the inner bedroom which was re floated through the ground glaaa of the front door. It took about three seconds for the news to spread through the building that burglars were In the Hulbert flat. Every on* surged down to the second baH landing. The men oomlng bom* from downtown added themselres one by one to the crowd. Somebody suggested to the Janitor that he use his key end go In. The look of in dignation which greeted thle wae a work of art “An wot would I do Wen I got In theref" he tnqnlred majestically. I'll go and telephone tho police," he add- ed, and departed baetlly. Then a small mast appointed himself captain of tho flat dwellers and put where they would do the most good. Three men were sent around to tho back porch to Intercept the thieves should they attempt to escape that way. The women were ordered away and forthwith crowded Into the flat across the hall, where they took turn* peeping through the crick In the door. One msn waa sent down to the side walk to guard the front at the build* tag and departed amid the envious glares of those who had to stand watch over the door of the Hulbert fiat. In fifteen minutes a squad of blue- coats advanced on the building. Af ter deep consultation It was decided to carefully unlock the frost door with the Janitor's key, make a rush and surround th* desperado. Excite- maot among the flatten approached hysteria at ttdai Th* aqheme waa baarOly approved cf by the men on th* Janitor produced th. key. the cleverest minion of the law worked It and tha door atom, Tlar* wn* an Intense Instant end then a tremendous rush on the part ct th* heroes. ■ to Its tri ant es* that the rush was checked In the middle of the Hulbert*' parlor by the appearance In the bedroom door of no lees a person that Mr. Hulbert himself. He hid one side of hie face suit lathered and this, together with his expres slon of mild Interest, wee disconcert ing. to my tea least of it "Oh." he aald when K was all ex plained to him. “1 guess my wife for (ot to tell you I'd be home a oouple of days while she was gone. But I'm muoh obliged.'' Th* occupants of th* other flats hare quit worrying over Mrs. Hul- bort's ladv. They've arrested him for man slaughter and Insist on holding him under n heavy bond, so that—'' “O, la that all? I'm so relieved. Really, the way yon spoke, I couldn't help thinking It was something ear- lous."—Chicago Record-Herald On Hla Trail. Tha latest cure of nervous according -to a Swiss doctor, is tea ar* not ahte to catch ap. The lady—"Now If I could only trust you." Oritty George—"Lady, did yer evtr hear dat old proverb. ‘Don't treat a man dat a dog won't follow'?” The lady—"I have.” Oritty Qeorgo—"Well, yar can trust m*. ’cause *very dog In th* country follows raa." Future History. Stealthily th* stalwart, determined men surrounded the house, undetected, owing to th* darkness and th* dene* tog that covered everything. Potting on* ot their number, tuny armed, at every possible avenue ot es cape, the leader, accompanied by a dozen trusty followers upon whom courage and fidelity ha kntw b* could rely la any emargancy, approached a reef door , ,, r nr ^r - «?*• m At erven atgnat they threw their united weixht again it 1L The door yielded, and tha next mg T£iS3SS«; soon found tho man tor whom they war* searching. He was sitting In th* back parlor, snrroundad by hla family, unprepared to resist, and evidently taken wholly by eurprtse. "Surrender!" cried the leader, point ing hi* revolver at hla head. "Gentlemen," said th* man, pale hot outwardly calm, G aer yoo hare me at a disadvantage. But yon need not here brought those handcuffs along. Ill go with you quietly." He had Just been nominated by one ot the great political parties for th* otfic* ot Vice-President of th* United States.—Chicago Tribune. Wanted Is Know. Btnbbo—“I so* Lawson, th* Boston Millionaire, to aateg ta axpom sots* eoppar traaMKiaas " yma ISi dent gay! Another ■ T. *»r Birthday at the Lendls Home. Representative Charles F. Landis of Indiana had a birthday end Mrs. Lan dis, to give him a surprise, went out and bought many pretty things for hia room. The list Included trays, doilies and little knicknacks for his dresser. When Mrs. Landis' birthday came along Mr. Landis decided to surprise her with n few presents. “What did you get her?" naked Rep resentative Hllderbrand of Ohio. “O, I bought a couple of boxes of good cigars, a pound or two ot smoking tobacco and a fine meershaum pipe/* Mr. Landis said.—N. Y. JVorld. Playing Fortissimo. When the mother returned from a shopping tournament the first thing that met her eyes was the lump on little Willie’s forehead. “For goodness' sake!" she said. "How did he get It?" ”Tls from th' boomp he got," th* new nurse explained. "Ye tould me, ma'am, to Jet him play on th' plenny it he wanted to. an' wnnst, when he wee elidin' on th' top, he slid too far, ma'am."—Philadelphia Press. Didn’t Look that Way to Him. "Did yon show that account to Ardup again to day?" "Yea air." "Did you teR him It had been on th* elate long enough and I'd Ilk* to rub It out?" “Yes, air." “What did ha aayr "He aald It looked as It you were trying to rub It In."—Chicago Tribun*. "Women an certainly queer," re. marked th* old bachelor. "What's th* answer?" queried th* fnqulalttlv* person. "Th* majority of them." replied th* old baahelor. "would rather become spinsters." Harts— “I suppose that Poster wag pretty well wrought up whan he found that eooMbodj^te^ stolen hla watch?" watch was fire tnlnufes Blow* aid he hoped It would make the thief loos* n train or ho too late for aa appoint* moot, or soma ench vexatious thing as thaL"—Boston Tran script. After First Prize. - Stlas-'My! Bat that Jerry BUsonhaa a lot ot different patches on hla trou- ire." Cyrus—"Ye*, an' hell have to stay hi the house all of next week." 811**—“What for?" Cyrus—“His mother is going to send his pent* to th* county fair aa a crazy quilt" Th* Real Thing. 'Are th* mem ben ot your amateur dramatic dab very enthusiastic?" "Are they! Why, whan we present- ed 'Hamlet' In th* next village tail week half tha company walked all th* way homo en th* railroad track JaM to dm It n prnfaMkwil flavor. - '— §ll|JOLLY _ W JOKES. A DEMONSTRATION EXPLAINED. It isn't any wonder that the baby cries a lot. If you'll think about the terrors that beset Its earthly lot; It isn't any wonder that it lifts Its voice and walls In a world where nearly every philan thropic effort falls; Oh, the future that it faces! "Twill be called on to recite A lot of things. Including "Curfew Shall Not Ring To-Night” He’ll have to ride in trolley cars where people bruise your feet. Or dodge the motor carriage* that scurry through the street; Hall have to take a chance on what the trusts may choose to do Perhaps there'll be no beef at all be fore hi* '.Ife Is through. He’ll hare to serve on Juries and ob serve th* wicked way In which his fellow-men pursue their neighbors day by day; He’ll have to weir high collars, funny clothes and curious tics. It really Isn't any wonder that the baby cries. —Washington Star. She Waa Not Certain. Telephone mistakes may have their serious sides A man who wanted to communicate with another named Jones looked In the directory, and then colled up the number. Pres ently cute through the receiver a soft feminine "Halloa," and ho asked, "Who Is that?" “This Is Mr*. Jones.” “Have you any Idea where your Iras' band Is?" He couldn’t understand why the "rang off" so sharply, until he looked In the hook again and diecovered that he had called up the residence of a widow.—N. Y. Nows. THE IDEA. She—My, but Mr. Flaxyman It stin gy- He—I should any to. Why, he wouldn’t laugh at a Joke unlesi It waa at somehodjrelse'a exponas. Trouble Ahead for Tommy. The apple tree that stands beside The creaking garden gate la bending low beneath a yield Of fruit that’s simply great And as t gaze upon th* sight I think of days to come. And ot the damage that* In atore For Tommy'* tummy-tum. —New York Prose. Even Here, Delilah was Just about to trim Sam- eon’s locks. Suddenly there wae an uproar outside the tempi*. "Stop! Stop!" cried excited vole**. "Don't touch another lock until you have shown your credentials," "What credential*?" gasped Delilah. “Why, that you belong to the Ber ber's union.” Wire Paul. Paul Revere had just mads hla fa mous ride. "I'm so glad I didn't use an automo bile,” h* related. “Why not?" asked the friend. “I would hhve been arrested for tut riding." Strong. "Toung man.” whispered the old spellbinder, “there nr* some things about this campaign that wiU Coke your breath away." "Ton don* aay!" responded the young man. “Are you alluding to th* campaign cigar?" Something Strang*. "Dear me!" aald tha young wife. "I believe that dog dealer deceived me. I don’t better* this I* • Boston bon, at iD,* »!•' NVlKSl h «'r • ■ • J ‘•Why not?" asked her husband. "Because I cooked him some ot th* daintiest beans and ho wouldn't touch "And you sv Tou had $100 about you tha other dayr Interrogated th* lady In the wayside cottage. "Yee. mum," responded Tired Tim. "Well, how did yon get rid of It?" "Me coattail* give 'way. Ter sea. ft was tn de shape of a hnndred-dollar bulldog." Sure Way. Th* meeting of tho Suffrage club waa on In earnest. How can wo keep man at a dis tance?" screamed th* woman In th* derby be*- “By wearing crlnlUne," responded the one In the region. Msnontonoua. "I proposed to that girt by letter." “Did she accept your "Yee, and her tetter of acceptane* was almost as long aa If aha waa raa- ilaf fot president**