Newspaper Page Text
The Sylvania Telephone.
C. H. MEDLOCK, Editor and Pdbusheh.
VOL. II.
DEAD LEAVES.
n WILLIAM a. SIOHilM,
A w*ck ago—how beautiful!
To-day—how sere they lie l
glory of the forest fled—
Like splendor from the sky.
I trample on the falling leave*
That yesterday, like gems,
Flashed brightness on my wondering eye*,
From countless diadems.
m hoy answer my heedless feet [
With crispness in their tone:
“ Tread lightly for the beauty’s sake
Thine eyes in us have known;
We were but shadows when we glowed
In crimson, of thy pride;
We still are shadows of its fall,
And just before it glide!”
I would the withered leaves were fair,
That I might Bhun to tread
Their dying verdure in the dust
With which my hopes fall dead;
For when, in crimson and in gold,
My ripened joy's shall flame,
The brief, bright beauty of the leaves
Is theirs—to sere the same!
PRESENCE OF MIND.
I have always been celebrated for my
presence of mind in emergencies.
Grandfather used to say that he never
had a girl who was not afraid of a mouse
or a spider, and how mother’s daughter
ever came to be so brave he couldn’t
guess. That was before I married, and,
of course, I have not Decome timid with
advancing years.
I am Mrs. Jasper Jackman; my hus
band is, of course, Mr. Jackman, and
our place is known as Jackman’s Nook.
Nook, indeed 1 If there was a comer to
the world, I should fancy it was put
away in that, for it is the most out-of
the-way habitation that ever existed.
It is, indeed. You can’t see it until you
are within fifty feet of it, for the trees
and the nasty rocks.
“So romantic!” people say. I call it
miserably lonesome.
Now, you know I’m not the least bit
nervous, but, having lived with father
and mother and the rest all my life, 1
did not enjoy being shut up all alone
like a—a—a—well, a hyena in a menag
erie, while Mr. Jackman attended to busi
naso in town; mid. I often - though! ii
house-breakers were to make an attack
upon the house, what should I do, a
poor little woman, with no one to call
upon ? For I count Bridget as a great
cipher in every occasion of life that does
not involve soap-suds.
I told Jasper that absolutely, if I had
known what a place Jackman’s Nook was,
I was not sure but that I should have
thought twice before refusing old Dr.
Muligitawny, whose palatial residence is
on Fifth avenue, New York city, as, of
course, everybody knows.
However, after you have once said
“ yes” to the gentleman who “pops” the
question to you, you may say “no” ever
after to all other questions, for all he
cares, for he’ll have his own way al
ways.
Mother-in-law Jackman having made
Jasper promise that I must live always
at the Nook was considered unanswera
ble ; and, after all, what could we do ?
No one would hire or buy the place, and
we had it on our hands. Of course we
lived there. I always knew that doing
so would bo the cause of my showing the
presence of mind for which I am cele
brated in my own family—if nowhere
else. And so it came to pass.
One stormy night in November, in the
year 1863—it was the 4th, I think, for
baby was just 1 year old on the 1st, and
there was some of the cake I had made
for his “bressed ittle hirfity birfday ”
still left in the pantry, and a cake of
that size certainly never would last
longer than that in our house. It was
he most unpleasant day I ever remem
ber to have lived through. The ground
was soaked. The bare branches looked
like so many skeletons, and the sky was
the color Bridget’s tin pans Were when I
first got down stairs this time last year.
In the city it would have been some
fun to sit in the window and watch the
folks go past, looking like so many
drowned rats, but at the Nook (I should
tliink it was a nook) there was nothing
to be seen—absolutely nothing. had
I had not a book which I not
read, and the note-paper was out, for
Jasper had forgotten to bring me some
from the city, and I had finished all my
sewing.
spent my time as best I could ; but
how I did wish that the regiment which
was encamped about half a mile away
was near enough for me to watch them
drill—if they do drill in such weather.
I’d thought them too near before on ac
count of Bridget, whom I have caught a
score of times talking to men M blue
jackets at the gate, and wished thorn oft
to the seat of war, or anywhere else,
over and over again ; but that afternoon
what a relief they would have been 1
I was the more lonely that Jasper ha
said that morning, “ My dear, if it rains
as it does now to-night, I sha’n’t come
home, but will stop at your father’s.”
SYLVANIA, GEORGIA, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1880.
And how oould I blame him in such
weather? Yet it was dreadfully lone
some. If you are sociable with your
servants they always presume upon it,
and I do so love to talk.
Of course I watched the clouds with
interest. If it should prove fair at last,
Jasper would come home, and if it
rained he wouldn’t.
Every now and then there would be a
pretense of clearing off, altd I began to
hope for a pleasant sunset; but it was
always a false pretense, and at tea-time
it poured as though there were going to
be a second flood.
Biddy asked me, as it was so near the
Hudson, whether it wasn’t likely to be
a-risin’, and whether in that case “we
wouldn’t be drowned?” And I said
“Yes.” It was too bad, I know, but it
was really some amusement on such a
day to frighten the stupid girl.
I had mv tea alone—and I do hate to
have tea alone if any woman in the world
hates it—and then I put baby to sleep
in her cradle in the sitting-room, and
took my knitting, and was as comforta
ble as I could be under the circum
stances, when I bethought me of the
morning’s paper. I called Biddy to
bring it to me, and she came to me at
once.
“It’s well thought of, missus,” she
said, as she laid it in my lap. “ It’s
yerself will be intherested wid the raid
in’. There’s accounts of the liouse
breakin’ in it.”
“ Of what?” I ejaculated; and, though
1 assure you I’m not the least nervous,
my heart was in my mouth for a mo
ment.
“Of the house-brealrin’, mum, and
how the thaves in the wurreld got into
Misther Dinsmore’s house, that’s sitiated
the same as this, neighboring nobody,
and tuck all they could lay their hands
on, to say nothin’ of half murderin’ the
ould gentleman. The saints be above
us this night—”
There it was, sure enough, headed,
“A bold and outrageous attack upon
the residence of Mr. Dinsmore! ” I
read it through, and then I said to my
self :
“Jerusha Jackman, remember your
presence of mind. Don’t let it fail you
in cases of emergency, anoukt a Jiouse
lireaker take advantage of your solitude,
let him find you prepared. ” It was as
though some invisible wlrat’s-his-name
had addressed me from the chimney. I
answered, “I will!’’and you can’t im
agine how bold I grew at once. I re
hearsed all that I should do in case
Biddy came to me in the night, saying,
“ Missus, there’s some one in the cellar!”
all I should do if I found anybody in
the wardrobe when I retired, and I had
the satisfaction of feeling that I was
prepared. I might wake up to find the
spoons gone—I might be murdered in
my bed; but it would be unawares, and
they would inscribe upon my tombstone
the words, “She showed her presence
of mind to the last.” I felt quite self
possessed and happy, though I was cer
tain—yes, morally certain —that some
thing remarkable would happen before
morning ; that I should be, as it were,
weighed in the balance and not foimd
wanting before the sun arose. I did not
feel like retiring early, and sat by the
fire till the clock struck 11. Then, jusi
as the last stroke died away, Biddy came
down from her bedroom like a red-flan
nel ghost, with eyes and mouth wide
open, and something of importance evi
dently on her mind. I put baby down
in her cradle and arose, drawrng myseli
up to my full height, and feeling that I
was the only one to be depended upon
in this awful emergency.
“Bridget,” said I, “how many are
they ? Is it one or more ?”
“ Mum ?” said Bridget.
“ The thieves. I mean.” said I.
“Oh, it isn’t thaves, mum,” said
Biddy. “ It’s only that tliafe of a wind
that’s took the roof clane off the chick
en-house, and there’s the wee bits iv
chicks a-stharvin to death wid cowld.”
“And in tMs dreadful rain, too,”
said I.
“It’s dared off fine,” said Biddy,
“and the moon’s up.”
So it actually was, and I began to feel
very brave.
“We must go out and put them in
the wood-house,” said I. And so say
ing, I tucked baby up in her blankets,
and, wrapping a shawl over my head,
went out into the Mglit air. It had
grown very cold, but it was clear, as
Biddy had said, and we paddled round
in the mud catching the poor little
chickens. We had them all at last ex
cept one, and we heard its little voice—
swee, swee, swee —somewhere, and, oi
course, could not be so heartless as to
forsake it. And at last there it was,
tangled up in some dead vines, and as
cold as a lump of ice. By the time we
gave it to its mother, who was very glad
to see it, the clook struok 12. Baby
“ONWARD AND UPWARD.”
had been alone threo-quarters of an
hour.
“ Muzzer’s darling I sound asleepy cradle.
yet?” I said, as I went to the
Merciful powers ! shall I ever forget that
moment ? Baby was not there !
In a moment the truth flashed on my
mind. House-breakers had entered the
dwelling in our absence, and stolen my
treasure. Perhaps they were in the
house yet, or some of them. I felt the
strength of a tigress, and, leaving Biddy
howling in the dining-room, rushed up
stairs.
Sure enough, there was a light in my
bedroom, and I peeped in. The mo
ment I did so I felt I was powerless.
The robber who had stolen my baby
was there, and the terribly muddy undi boots the
of another were sticking from er
bed; and, oh, horrors ! another had got
into it, and had hidden, as he imagined,
under the quilts.
On my presence of mind depended
the recovery of my child and my own
life. In a moment the but plan door flashed
upon me. There was one to
the room, and the windows were high
and barred, for I had contemplated the
time when baby should be large enough
to climb up and lean out. Noiselessly
and suddenly I drew that door to and
locked it on the outside; then, with the
key in my hand, and trembling like an
aspen leaf, I stole down stairs and cried
to Bridget, “ I’ve locked them in; they
shall give my baby back ; come with
me!” and away I went across the garden
Mid down the road to the first house.
That was “ Mulligan’s Tavern,” a very
low place, indeed, shunned by all re
spectable folk; but I knew there were
always men there who were afraid of no
body. The greatest brutes would not
refuse aid to a woman at such a time.
As W'e came near 1 saw a light in one
of the windows, and heard voices and
loud laughter. It was no time for cere
mony, so I burst the door open and ran
in. There were four men playing cards,
and old Mrs. Mulligan behind the bar.
“ O ! please excuse me,” I cried; “but
do come right away. There are house
breakers in my house, and ihsy’vo ok
len my baby.” baby?” cried old Mrs.
“Sthole the
Mulligan.
“ O, do come !” I implored.
“Go, Pat,” said the old woman;
“never mind the game. It’s Missus
Jackman ; more betoken she’s the next
neighbor to us. Take yer pistols, an’
away wid ye, boys. An’, missus, just
take a drop of screechin’ hot whisky to
kape the life in j e. ”
Of course I refused the latter offer,
but in a moment the men were on their
feet, and I felt like blessing them—those
half-savage creatures who had become
my protectors.
I don’t know how we got to the house,
or up-stairs. I remember an awful tu
mult, a smell of gunpowder, oaths and
shouts. Then there was silence—then
a loud laugh.
“It’s thrue, boys !” said old Mulli
gan’s voice. “I know Misther Jackman,
au’ it’s himself. It’s a great misthake—
that’s all.”
A singular mistake to enter a man’s
house, and endeavor to shoot him in
his own bed !” said a voice I knew to be
my husband’s ; and at that I rushed into
the room.
He was there, and so was baby, for he
held her in Ms arms ; and there, also,
was Mulligan and Ms friends and their
pistols, and half the furniture was
broken and the stove upset But as for
the house-breakers, they—I began to
see the truth. Mr. Mulligan was back
ing out.
“I’lllave Mrs. Jackman to explain,”
he said. “ An’ I’m proud I didn’t kill
ye, though it’s out o’ friendship I’d have
done it; for if your own wife took ye
for a house-breaker how would I know
better ? The top o’ the night till ye, an’
I’ll lave the lady to explain.”
Ah! I did really wish that the ground
would open and swallow me. You see,
my husband had come home while we
were hunting up the chickens, and, find
ing baby wide awake, had taken her up
to bed, and gone to sleep. And the
robber under the bed was Ms muddy
boots, with, of course, no feet in them ;
and well there were none, for they were
riddled with bullet holes. Mr. Mulli
gan had fired at them, fortunately.
When I thought of the awful danger
Jasper and the baby bad been in, I went
into strong hysterics at once, and fright
ened Jasper so that he was glad to for
give me when I came to myself. It was
a terrible mistake, and might have end
ed seriously, of course ; but I will say,
now and always, that it was Jasper’s
fault, and that if he had been a house
breaker we might all have been thank
ful for my great presence of mind.
The court compels Minister Christiancy
to pay his wife $150 a month pending
the result of the divorce suit.
EDUCATIONAL HUMOR.
Onoe, a teacher was explaining to a
little girl the meaning of the word cuti
cle. “ What is that all over my face
and hands ?” “ Freokles, ” answered the
little cherub.
A small child, being asked by a Sun
day-school teacher, “What did the
Israelites do after they crossed the Bed
sea?” answered, “I don’t know, ma’am,
but I guess they dried themselves.”
A jonisteb, in one of his visits, met a
boy, and asked him what o’clock it was.
“ About 12, sir,” was the reply. “ Well,”
remarked the minister, “ I tnought it
was more.” “It’s never any more
here,” said the boy; “it just begins at
1 again.”
Three little boys, on a Sabbath day,
were stopped on the street by an elderly
gentlemen who, perceiving that they
had bats and balls with them, asked one
of the number this question : “Boy, can
you tell me where all naughty boys go
to who play ball on Sunday?” “Over
back of Johnson’s dam,” the youngster
replied.
“Sam,” said a young mother, “do
you know what the difference is between
the body and the soul ? The soul, my
child, is what you love with ; the body
carries you about. This is your body
(touching the boy’s shoulders and arms),
but there is something deeper in. You
can feel it now. What is it?” “Oh,
yes, I know,” said he, with a flash of in
telligence in Ms eye, “that is my flan
nel shirt.” — Barnes’ Educational
Monthly.
INTRICACIES OE ENGLISH.
The formidable intricacies of the Ei>
glish language are not realized by those
who have been taught to speak it from
babyhood. But what a foreigner en
counters may be seen from the follow
ing :
One of them, looking at a picture of a
number of vessels, said, “See, what a
flock of ships !” He was told that a
flock of sliips was called a fleet, and
that a fleet of sheep was called a flock.
And it was added, for Ms guidance in
mastering the intricacies of our lan
guage, that a flock of girls is called a
bevy, and a bevy of wolves is called a
pack, and a pack of thieves is called a
gang, and a gang of angels is called a
host.
A host of porpoises is called a shoal,
and a shoal of buffaloes is called a herd,
and a herd of children is called a troop,
and a troop of partridges is called a
covey, and a covey of beauties is called
a galaxy.
A galaxy of ruffians is called a horde,
and a horde of rubbish is called a heap,
and a heap of oxen is called a drove,
and a drove of blackguards is called a
mob, and a mob of whales is called a
school, and a school of worsMpers is
called a congregation, and a congrega
tion of engineers is called a corps, and
a corps of robbers is called a band, and
a band of locusts is called a swarm, and
a swarm of people is called a crowd.
An American physician, Dr. Farrar,
has calculated that about half a ton of
pure gold is annually packed away M
American teeth. At tMs rate, witMn
300 years as much gold will have been
buried with the teeth into wliich it is
packed as there is now in the whole gold
circulation of the earth. The Spectator
says : ‘ ‘ Perhaps Dr. Farrar is right, for
half a ton of gold is only 17,920 ounces
avoirdupois; and, supposing that one
American in a hundred has his teeth
stopped with gold, that would give each
an average amount of annual stopping
of something like one-sixteenth of an
ounce, which is not, perhaps, a very ex
travagant amount.” No allowances have
been made, either for the geometrical
increase in the business of tooth-carpen
try, or the simultaneous extension of
caramels and dentists to the benighted
heathen by the foreign missionary soci
eties. But the great laws of political
economy will be apt to check gold-fill
ing as soon as the price of the article
rises. Bubber or platinum will have to
do.
One of the advantages of having
street-cars that ply between the railway
trains is the opportunity that one has oi
seeing how the modem country woman
packs her baggage. She arranges it so
that she can grasp it all in her two
hands, no matter how much there maj
be of it, and it is a sight to see, to be
hold the cleverness with which sli6
clutches the umbrella to which three
newspaper bundles and a basket are
lashed, snatches up her shawl-strapped
heap of little packages, and climbs ouj
of the car. It is also a sight to see how
her escort lets her do it, and shows one
how courteous the rustic citizen of the
United States can be.
THE SEA BATH.
“ Now, my dear,” said Mr. Spoopen
ilyke, as he stepped out of his bathing
house and thumped on the door of the
one occupied by Mrs. Spoopendyke,
“ are you ready ? We must hurry into
the water and out again, or we won’t get
through in time for dinner,”
Mrs. Spoopendyke emerged, bent
almost double, and shivering with the
cold.
“ Isn’t it rather chilly ? ” she asked.
“ Not at all, Mrs. Spoopendyke, not
at all; the air is rather cool, hut the
water is warm. If you are going with
me you want to move along.”
As they reached the beach, Mr. Spoop
endyke left his wife, and boldly strode
into the surf. A wave broke over him,
filling his eyes, nose, ears and mouth,
and then he strode out.
“ What are ye standing there for, eh ?”
be demanded. “What do you take
yourself for—a lighthouse ? Did ye
come down here to take a bath, or are
ye waiting for some ship to tie up to
you? What’s the matter with you, any
way ? ”
“ I’m afraid of the waves,"whimpered
Mrs. Spoopendyke, “they’re so big.”
“ Oh ! they’re too big for yon, ain’t
they?” retorted Mr. Spoopendyke. “Wait
till I get a man to saw you off a little
one. Better get measured for one to
suit, hadn’t you? It’s the big waves
you want, I tell you. Look here ! ” and
Mr. Spoopendyke marched boldly into
the sea again. He turned his face
toward the shore and beckoned to his
wife. Another wave caught Mm, and
landed Mm high and dripping on the
beach.
“ Why didn’t ye come when I called
ye ? What d’ye want to make me walk
all the way up here after you for ? ”
sMieked Mr. Spoopendyke. “Are ye
waiting to be launched, like a ship?
Can’t ye walk as far as that ? What aro
ye hoisting up the legs of your pants
for ? They ain’t skirts. Now look at me.
See how I go M, and you follow me when
I beckon to you. Watch me now.”
Mr. Spoopendyke plunged in and
swashed around a few mrnutes in safety,
but the treacherous water was biding its
time. Another wave caught him and
rolled Mm over, pumped itself into his
stomach, drew Mm under, whirled Mm
around, and finally deposited him, howl
ing, on the sand.
“ Got most ready to get in ? ” he'jerked
out, as he climbed up himself and as
sumed the perpendicular. “Think I’m
going to slam around here all day, like a
waterspout, waiting for you ? What did
you come here for ? Find any fun in
standing there like a soda-water sign?
Why don’t you get in the water, if you
are going to ? Come on now.”
“ I’m afraid,” sniveled Mrs. Spoop
endyke. “ If I go in, I know I will be
drowned.”
“No you won’t get drowned, either.
Can’t you hold on to me? What did
you put on that shirt and trousers for if
you meant to get drowned ? What are
you doing around here ? Now when 1
get in again, you come along, or else yon
go home.”
Mr. Spoopendyke plunged into the
surf, but as he came up he missed the
rope. For a second or two he sprawled
around, and then began to yell. Mrs.
Spoopendyke eyed him for a moment,
and then her fears for Mm overcame her
fears for herself, and with a yell she
dashed in and hauled Mm out by the
hair.
“Dodgast the water!” choked Mr.
Spoopendyke; “I’m full of the measly
stuff. So ye got in, didn’t ye? Let
go my hair, will ye ? Let go, I tel
ye ! What d’ye think you are, any way
—a steam barber’s shop ? Going to let
go that hair some time?”
But, fri;;!itoned out of all reason, Mrs.
Spoopendyke clung still, and hauled Mr.
Spoopendyke to his bathing-house.
“Oil, if I hadn’t saved you I” she
sobbed.
“ Oh, yes, you saved me, didn’t you?”
sEsered Mr. Spoopendyke. “All you and
want is four air-tight compartments
two sets of thole-pins to be ajiatent life
raft. Are you going to let go of that
hair?”
And as she released Mm they went to
their separate apartments.
Baron Magnus, German Ambassador
to Copenhagen, has made a fool of him
self, with the aid of a notorious French
actress. He followed her around like a
poodle, gave her a bunch of flowers,
did everything that a first-class spooney
would have done, and, as a result, has
been given by Ms Government an in
definite leave of absence. The world
ridicules Mm, and the result will be his
social and diplomatic death. As for the
woman, she laughs, for every incident of
that kind adds eclat to her professional
reputation.
TEEMS—91 60 per Year.
NO. 17.
CURRENT ITEMS.
Marriage makes the man; the wom
an was maid before.
Diversity of opinion proves that
things are only what we think them.—
Montaigne.
A woman who has four sons, all sailors,
compares herself with a year, because
she has four sea-sons.
Carts. Howard and Garrett, of the
British navy, have had to pay $21.76 for
letting their dogs worry a cat for the di
version of the officers at Portsmouth.
When you see a man take off his hat
to you it is a sign that he respects you ;
but when he is seen divesting himself of
his coat you can make up your mind that
he intends you shall respect him.
A boy of 12 years, dining at his un
cle’s, made such a good dinner that his
uncle observed : “Johnny, you appear
to eat well. ” “ Yes, ” replied the urchin,
“ I have been practicing eating all my
life."
Daniel Oasey, of Lawrence county,
Ky. , is a farmer in limited circumstances,
who has been married thirty years and
has no children. He has, however
reared and educated twenty-one orphan
children who were left without money
or friends.
Trades unions, the Celestial Empire
says, appear to have taken root in Japan.
It is reported that, owing to the recent
rise in the price of rice, all the laborers
in Gifu, Mino province, made an ar
rangement among themselves and forced
their employers to raise the wages.
Capt. Webb recently performed the
feat of swimming seventy-four consecu
tive hours in the large tank of the Scar
borough Aquarium. He did not show
at the finish any signs of fatigue. Al
though allowed half an hour in each
twenty-four, Capt. Webb did not during
the whole time absent himself more than
about four minutes.
A Maine man has regularly received
the Congressional Olobe and Record foi
the last thirty-six years, and has read
every copy. We have heard of walking
dictionaries and encyclopedias, but tMs
is the first walking waste-basket that
has been brought t® our notice.— Boston
P03t.
Mr. Enos A. Payne, of Frankfort,
Ky., has married Miss Mary P. Akin, of
Lexington, and a local poet celebrates
the event in these lines :
And thus we see old Hymen fill
His joyous cup again—
It only show's that pleasure still
Is close A-kin to Payne
A remarkable family of fat children
live in Barren county, Ky. The father,
Smithland Chamber, weighs 130 pounds,
and his wife only 112 pounds, but a 6
year-old daughter weighs 230 pounds.
The latter is about as tall as other girls
of her age, but measures eighty-four
inches about the waist. A son died,
when 6 years old, weighing 200 pounds,
and some younger members of the family
are growing fat rapidly.
The editor laid his half-smoked cigar
on the table, and the candidate, drop
ping in to talk matters over, perched
himself on the table and sat down on
the real Connecticut Havana. By-and
by he sadly slipped off his high seat.
You are not lukewarm in my cause,
anyhow,” he said plaintively. “Ah,
no,” replied the editor, encouragingly,
“the old fires axe still burning.” And
then a great hush fell upon the busy
sanctum, such a profound silence that
for a minute you might have heard a
gum drop.
The Crown Princess of Prussia
(Queen Victoria’s eldest daughter) is
said to be now the most popular woman
in Germany. She would have gained
the good-will of the Berlin population
twenty years ago had she not held, with
invincible tenacity, to the idea of an
English establishment at Potsdam. She
wished to retain her servants and to in
troduce the English style of household
management. But only a few English
sailors, with an officer, who form the
crew of the miniature man-of-war on the
Havel, are left to represent English ser
vice.
Harry Josephs, who died lately in
Boston, was a comical comedian on the
stage, but when about to die from a
sudden attack of heart disease he tragi
cally cried : “Pray for me. Oh, God,
receive my spirit!” Mr. Josephs was a
half brother of the Bev. Dr. Lorimer,
of Chicago, and a brother of Fanny Jo
sephs, the famous London actress.
The company in Florida that has been
experimenting with palmetto for mak
ing paper has met with such gratifying
success that it will erect about twenty
paper-mills in the State, where palmetto
trees grow in abundance and where the
transportation facilities are good.