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Herald and ^dterti» Newnan, Ga., Friday, May 25, 1888. BILL NYE AS A POLITICIAN. His Rather Neat Way of Calling Public Attention to Himself. In an interview "which I have just had with myself I have positively stat ed, and now repeat, that at neither the St. Louis nor Chicago convention w ill my name he presented as a candidate. But mv health is bully. We are upon the threshold of a most bitter and acrimonious tight. Great wisdom and foresight are needed at this hour, and the true patriot will for get himself and his own interests in his great yearning for the good of his com mon country and the success of his par ty. What we need at this time is a leader whose name will not be present ed to the convention, but whose health is good. y 0 one has a fuller or better concep tion of the great duties of the hour than I. How clearly to my mind are the duties of the American citizen out lined to-day ! 1 have never seen with the great needs clearer, keener vision of my country, and my pores have nev er been more open. Four years ago was in some doubt relative to certain important questions which now are clearly and satisfactorily settled in mj mind. I hesitated then where now I am fully established, and my tongue was coated in the morning when I ai'ose, whereas now I bound lightly from bed, kick out a window, climb to the roof by means of the fire-escape and there rehearse speeches which l will make this fall, in case it should be discovered at either of the conventions that my name alone can heal the rup ture in the party and prevent its works from falling out. 1 think my voice is better also than it was either four, eight, twelve or six teen years ago, and it does not tire me so much to think of things to say from the tail-gate of a train as it did when 1 first began to refrain from presenting my name to conventions. According to my notion, our candi date should be a plain man, a magnet ic, but hairless patriot, who should be suddenly thought of by a majority o the convention and nominated by ac clamation. He should not be a hide bound politician, but on the contiaiy he should be greatly startled, while down cellar sprouting potatoes, to learn that he has been nominated. That’s the kind of man who always surprises everybody with his sagacity when an emergency arises. In going down my cellar stairs the committee will do well to avoid step ping on a large and venomous dog who sleeps on the top stair. Or I will tie him in the barn if I can be informed when 1 am liable to be startled. I have always thought that the neat est method of calling a man to public life was the one adopted some years since in the case of Cincinnatus. He was one day breaking a pair of nervous red steers in the north field. It was a hot day in July, and he was trying to summer fallow a piece of ground where the jimson weeds grew seven feet high. The plow would not scour, and the steers had turned the yoke twice on him. Cincinnatus had hung his toga op a tamarac pole to strke a furrow by, and hadn’t succeeded in getting the plow in more than twice in going across. Dressing, as lie did, in the Ko- man custom of 458 B. C M the blackber ry vines had scratched his massive legs till they were a sight to behold. He iTaJ scourged Brig* and twisted the tail of Holly till lie was sick at heart. All through the long afternoon, wearing a hot, rusty helmet with rab bit-skin ear-tabs, lie had toiled on, when suddenly a majority of the Ho man voters climbed over the fence and asked him to become dictator in place of Spurius Melius. Putting on his toga and buckling an old hame strap around his loins lie said: “Gentlemen, if you will wait till I go to the house and get some vaseline on my limbs I will do your dictating foi you as low as you have ever bad it done.” He then left his team standing in the furrow while lie served his coun try in an official capacity for a little over twenty-nine years, after which lie went back and resumed his farming. Though 2,300 years have since passed away and historians have been busy with that, epoch ever since, no one lias yet discovered the methods by w liich Cin cinnatus organized and executed this, the most successful “Peoples Mo\e- ment” of which we are informed. The great trouble with the modern boom is that it is too precocious. It knows more before it gets its clothes on than the nurse, the physician, and its parents. It then dies before the sap starts in the maple forests. My object in writing this letter is largely to tone down and keep in check any popular movement in my behalf until the weather is more settled. A season-cracked boom is a thing I de feeling and elect a magnetic chump who does not look so very well, but who feels first-rate. Toward the middle of June I shall go away to an obscure place where I cannot be reached. My mail will be forwarded to me by a gentleman who knows how I feel in relation to the wants and needs of the country. To those who have prospered during the past twenty years let me say they owe it to the perpetuation of the prin ciples and institutions toward the es tablishment and maintenance of which I have given the best energies of my life. To those who have been unfor- tuate let me say frankly that they owe it to themselves. I have never had less malaria or de spondency in my system than I have this spring. My cheeks have a delicate bloom on them like a russet apple, and my step is light and elastic. In the morning I arise from my couch, and, touching a concealed spring, it becomes an upright piano. I then bathe in a low divan which contains a jointed, tank. I then sing until interfered with by property owners and taxpay ers who reside near by. After a light breakfast of calf’s liver and custard pie I go into the reception room and wait for people to come and feel of my pulse. In the afternoon I lie down on a lounge for two or three hours, won dering in what way I can endear my self to the laboring man. I then dine heartily at my club. In the evening I go to see the amateurs play “Pygma lion and Galatea.” As I remain till the play is over, any one can see that I am a very robust man. After I get home, I write 2,000 or 3,000 words in my diary. I then insert myself into the bosom of my piano and sleep, .hav ing first removed my clothes and iron ed my trousers for future reference. In closing, let me urge one and all to renewed effort. The prospects for a speedy and unqualified victory at the polls were never more roseate. Let us select a man upon whom we can all unite, a man who has no venom in him, a man who has successfully defied and trampled on the infamous inter-State commerce act, a man who, though in the full flush and pride and bloom and fluff of life’s meridian, still disdains to present his name to the convention. I enclose mv picture, however, which iliows that I am so healthy that it keeps me awake nights. 1 go about the house singing all the time and play ing pranks on my grandparents. My eye dances with ill-concealed merri ment, and my conversation is just as sparkling as it can be. I believe that during tins campaign we should lay aside politics as far as possible and unite on an unknown, OW The Meanest Man in America. From One of Burdette’s Letters. Tlie meanest man in all this land of United America went down from Lin coln, Nebraska, the other day. Mind you, lie wasn’t a Nebraskan; lie was an inter-State immigrant coming from somewhere east of the Mississippi. At Wyrnore there is a merchant who car ries his stock in a basket, and he is fa mous all that land over for his pop corn. He came on the cars with his wares, and this mean man, who was traveling with his wife, little child of perhaps three years, and his father-in- law, asked the price of popcorn. “Five cents a package.” That was too much. He didn’t want any. After the mer chant left the car, the mean man said: “I want some o’ that ’ere popcorn, but I kin git it cheap’n that.” Presently he went out on the platform and said to the dealer in the fruit that cheers but not ine(hic)briates: “Say, mister, I want some of that popcorn, butlhain’t got o’ny 3 cents. Now, if you kin lemme have a paper of it fur 3 cents, all right; but I kain’t give no more fur it, because I hain’t got o’ny that much money.” Well, after some dickering the merchant finally let him have a pa per of iiopcorn for 3 cents, and the mean man came in the car, sat down beside iiis wife and little child and be gan munching liis popcorn. Never a crumb did he offer to anybody. He was just enjoying it. He said: “I had enough money to buy his whole basket ful, but I know’a I could get some fur less’n five cents.” As he munched, Ills father-in-law and wife seemed to un derstand that they were not in on that treat, but the child began to reach up his little dimpled hands and in the sweetest childish accents began to beg for some pop-corn. Save to bold the package out of reach of the pleading little hands, the mean man paid not the slightest attention to the baby, but kept on eating. Present ly the mother spoke to him and said the child wanted some of the corn. “Well,” replied her husband, “if the child is any hungrier’n I am an! wants this popcorn mor’n I do, he’d ought to have it.” But he kept on eating it himself and never a grain did the child get. Pretty soon the little fellow be gan to cry for the corn. This may have annoyed the father, because he soon arose, put the popcorn up in the rack out of the child’s reach, and went into another car. While he was gone the child continued to cry and reach after the banquet, and the mother took the popcorn down and gave some to the little one. While this was going on the mean man came back. Furious? You never saw anything like it. He snatch ed the popcorn away from the child and poured a torrent of abuse upon his wife for daring to touch* his popcorn. Then he put it back into the rack and at intervals got up and ate some of it until it was all gone. Now, in a case of that kind—and the above is a truthful narrative of an act ual occurrence—is not law justifiable ? Is not that kind of a man more valua ble and useful as a fertillizer than any thing else ? Isn’t he a curse to society so long as he lives ? And might he not prove a blessing to the medical student and barren land when he dies? Then why not kill him and make a blessing of him? The world has no use for a mean man. A drunkard, a liar, a swaarer, a thief, a tramp, a swindler, a murderer, may have good traits and have some sphere of usefulness in this world, but a mean man, pure and sim- ple—God wasted mud when He made him. Woman and the Hairpin. liew York Graphic. “Is there a very great demand now adays for the common wire hairpin!” queried the writer of a Broadway deal er in fancy goods yesterday. “There is always some demand for the useful little article,” replied the dealer, “but the present style of hair dressing, which dispenses with the use of the wire pin, and the advent of those large ornamental pins now so popular with the ladies, has tended to lower the demand for the more common ar- ^ <* Seems to tide considerably. I manage, howev er, to sell about a ton of cheap hairpins every year.” “What becomes of all the hairpins?” “I fear you will have to ask Mine. Diss Debar for the solution of that con undrum. It is one of those questions which, like the Sphynx’s riddle, is like ly to remain unanswered for all time. I can only suggest that perhaps the hairpin goes the way of old bustles, buttons, ribbons and other discarded ar ticles of feminine adornment. If it were not for the innumerable uses to which woman can put the simple little hair pin it would have vanished into histo ry along with the high comb and hoop- skirt. I don’t believe there is any tool which the average woman can manip ulate with such consummate skill and dainty deftness as the hairpin. With a hammer or sharp-edged tool such as the chisel a woman succeeds in doing little more than bruising or cutting her fair fingers, but place a hairpin in her hands and watch the wondrrs she per forms. One who had never before seen a hairpin in the hands of a woman would never imagine that so many de vices lay hidden within so small a bit of metal. “With the hairpin a woman opens envelopes, fastens her dress, suspends a calendar or picture on the wall, picks her teeth and cuts apart the leaves of her magazine or book. It becomes on occasion an improvised nut pick, or shoe and glove buttoner; or is as quick ly transformed into a hook, scoop or crank. Nor is this a complete cata logue of the manifold uses of the hair pin. Necessity is the mother of inven tion; so the hairpin becomes the tool of the moment for whatever purpose the fair mechanic wills.”. “Then you believe that the hairpin has come to stay!” “I think it has, or at least it will re main until manual training forms a part of the education of our girls in the schools and colleges. You may rest assured, how'ever, that the hairpin will receive the attention of at least one more generation of women.” One that Will hear Telling Again. Toronto World. A certain fort in the far West, so the story goes, was in command of a Major of artillery who was constantly lament ing that his favorite arm could not be more frequently used against the In dians. Finally one day he took one of the small howitzers, which defended the fort, and had it securely strapped to the back of an army mule, with the muzzle projecting over the animal’s tail. With this novel gun carriage lie proceeded in high feather with the cap tain and a sergeant to a bluff on the bank of the Missouri, near which was encamped a band of friendly Indians. The gun was duly loaded and primed, the fuse inserted, and the mule backed to the edge of the bluff. The Major remarked something about the moral effect the exhibition was likely to pro duce upon the Indian allies, and step ped shyly forward and applied the match. The curiosity of the mule was arous ed. He jerked his head around to see what was fizzing away there on his neck, and the next second his £eet were all bunched together and making forty revolutions a minute while the gun was threatening everything under the canopy within a radius of ten miles with instant destruction. The Cap tain shinned up tlie only available tree. The Sergeant threw himself flat on the ground and tried to dig a hole with his bayonet to crawl into, while the fat Major rolled over and over in agony, alternately invoking the protection of Providence and cursing the mule. Fin ally the explosion came, the ball going through the roof of the fort. The re coil of the gun and the wild leap of the terrified mule carried both over the bluff to a safe anchorage at the bottom of the river. The discomfited party returned to the fort. Shortly after the chief of the Indians appeared and announced briefly; “In jun go home.” Questioned as to why, he thus ex plained: “Injun ver’ brave; help white mau. Injun use gun, use bow arrbw, use knife; but when white man fire off whole jackass, Injun no understand, no think right. Injun no help urn fight that way.” er, while laying off her wrap in her room, “most of them are so trouble some and finicky, but I think you’ll^ find I’m not one of that sort. I just take things as 1 find them and make no fuss at all. Now, I’ll just wash my hands, and—O, could you get me a lit tle white eastile soap instead of this cocoanutoil kind ?” “I’ll see,” said the landlady. “And about the towels—I never use crash quite so rough as this and I’d like a Turkish towel on the rack all the time.” “Well.” > “Thank you. I’m determined not to be troublesome after I once get settled, and I—don’t you think this dressing- case would look better on this side of the room?” ‘I don’t know.” me it would. Suppose you call a servant up and let us see how it will look moved; and while she’s here I believe I’ll change the bed to the other corner—that is, if you’ve no objections.” “O, none at all.” “Thank you. I don’t really care much, but then—O, would it be too much trouble to have a cup of hot wa ter sent up to my room an hour before each meal ? I think it does me good.” “I suppose I can arrange that,” says the landlady, gloomily. “Thanks; you are kind. Now I guess I’ll—O, I wonder if tliei’e is any hot water in the bath-room? I’d like to run in and just wash out a few little things that I never send to tlie laun dry. And I wonder if I’d be much in the way if I ran down into the kitchen and ironed them when they’re dry? I’ll not be a bit of trouble.” “The cook may object,” says the landlady, blandly. “1 don’t mind my self.” “O, I’ll get around her easy enough. Trust me for , that. I always do out my handkerchiefs and small pieces wherever I board, and I—O, while I think of it. I’d like to mention that I never drink anything but green tea, and if it wouldn’t be too much trouble I’d like my bread made without a bit of salt in it. Perhaps it’s only a no tion, but I can’t eat salted bread. “I hardly know how to manage that,” says the landlady dubiously. “O, it’ll be easy enough. When you bake just make one loaf without salt in it. See ? I hope you won’t take a bit of trouble on my account if I’m some times too late for my meals. Some- Times I may be out shopping or may feel a little lazy in the morning and won’t get up, but I’ll soon find out where things are in the pantry and will just help myself without troubling any one.” This strikes the landlady so dumb that she can say nothing, and tlie oblig ing boarder guilelessly rattles on: “I like hot cakes for breakfast the year round, and, somehow, no kind of steak agrees with me but sirloin. Would you mind ringing for a servant and having her lower tlie window a lit tle from the top ? O, I see the blank ets on the bed are white. It’s only a foolish notion of mine, but I really pre fer red.blankets; and I see you have woven wire springs. Could you as well as not exchange them for the spiral springs? I much prefer them and ” but the landlady, being new in the business, lias gone from the room in a dazed condition of mind, while tlie lady boarder reduces her wants to writing as they occur to her during the day. v love, that ft i ne's (elery (mound For The NERVOUS The DEBILITATED The AGED. A NERVE TORIC. Celery and Coca, the prominent In gredients, are the best and safest! Nerve Tonics. It strengthens and! quiets the nervous system, curing Nervous Weakness, Hysteria, Sleep lessness, &c. AN ALTERATIVE. It drives out the poisonous humors of the blood purifying and enriching it, and so overcoming those diseases resulting from impure or impover ished blood. I LAXATIVE. Acting mildlybut surely on thebowela it cures habitual constipation, and promotes a regular habit. Itstrength- ens the stomach, and aids digestion. f DIURETIC. In Its composition the best and most active diuretics of the Materia Medica are combined scientifically with other effective remedies for diseases of the kidneys. It can be relied on to give quick relief and speedy cure. Hundreds of testimonials have been reoeired from persons who have used this remedy .with remarkable benefit. Send for circulars, giving full particulars. Price $1.00. Seld by Dngfl**: WELLS, RICHARDSON & CO., Prop’s BURLINGTON. VT. THOMPSON BROS. NEWNAN, GA. FINE AND CHEAP FURNITURE -AT PRICES- THAT CANNOT BE BEAT IN THE STATE. Big stock of Chambei suits in Walnut, Antique Oak, and Cherry, and Imitation suites. French Dresser Suites (ten pieces), from $22.60 to $125.00. Plush' Parlor Suits, $35.00 and upward. Bed Lounges, $9.00 and upward. Silk Plush Parlor Suits, $50.00. Good Cane-seat Chairs at $4.50 per set. Extension Tables, 75 cents per foot. Hat Racks from 25 cents to $25.00. Brass trimmed Curtain Poles at 50 cents. Dado Window Shades, on spring fixtures, very low. Picture Frames on hand and made to order. SPLENDID PARLOR ORGANS Low, for cash or on the installment plan. Metallic and Wooden Coffins ready at all times, night or day. THOMPSON BROS., NEWNAN, GA. FURNITURE! Algy—“Do you think, my your father will consent to our mar riage!” Augely—“Of course, papa will be very sorry to lose me, darling.” A1 gy—“But I will say to him that, instead of losing a daughter, he will gain a son.” Angely—“I wouldn’t do that, love, if you really want me. Papa lias three such sons living at home now, and he’s a little bit touchy on that point.” Wouldn’t it be sweet revenge to lick the sugar trust! Consumption Surely Cured To the Editor—Please inform your readers that I have a positive remedy for tlie above named disease. By its timely use thousands of hopeless cases have been permanently cured. I shall be glad to send two bottles of my reme dy free to any of your readers who have consumption if they will send me their express and post office address. Respectfully, T. A. SLOCUM, M. C., 1S1 Pearl street, New lork. Female carpenters have appeared in London. Plane women, probably. A Positive Gentleman. Which is the most* positive gentle man? Cer-tain. Taylor’s Cherokee Remedy of Sweet Gum and Mullein is certain to cure coughs, colds and croup. It is pleasant and effective. Youngstown has a woman faith doc tor. She is rapidly heeling herself. At Might always have Acker’s Baby Soother at hand. It is the only safe medicine vet made that will remove all infantile disorders. It contains no Opi um or Morphine, but gives the child natural ease from pain. Price 25 cents. Sold by W. ‘P. Broom, Newnan, Ga. I buy and sell more FURNITURE than all the dealers in Atlanta combined. I operate fifteen large establishments. I buy the entire output of factories; therefore I can sell you cheaper than small dealers. Read some of my prices: A Nice Plush Parlor Suit, $35.00. A iStrong Hotel Suit, $15.00. A Good Bed Lounge, $10.00. A Good Single Lounge, $5.00. A Good Cotton-Top Mattress, $2.00. A Good Strong Bedstead, $1.50. A Nice Rattan Rocker, $2.50. A Nice Leather Rocker, $5.00. A Strong Walnut Hat Rack, $7.00. A Nice Wardrobe, $10.00. A Fine Glass Door Wardrobe, $30.00. A Fine Book Case, $20.00. A Good Office Desk, $10.00. A Fine Silk Plush Parlor Suit, $50.00. A Fine Walnut 10-Piece Suit, $50.00. A Nice French Dresser Suit, $25.00. I respectfully invite everybody to examine my stock and get my prices before buying your Furniture. I have the finest as well as the cheapest Furniture in Atlanta. Write for prices. A. G. RHODES, 85 Whitehall St., Atlanta, Ga. The Obliging Lady Boarder. Detroit Free Press. “O, I’ll not be the least trouble,” said the lady boarder, who had wheed led the mistress of a select boarding house into taking her for six months, although the mistress had said that she T)R. never, never would take another wo man to board. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to board women,” said the lady board- BlgGhugiven univer sal satisfaction in the cure of Cono;. ' -.oea end Gleet. I prescribe it and feel safe i:'. t: - - - .end ing it to all f-Ulerers. A. J. GT05EB, M.D., Docaiir, III. PRICE, OjLGO. Sold by Druggiats. X. J. LYNDON, Agent, Newnan, Ga. MICKELBERRY & McCLENDON, WHOLESALE GROCERS, PRODUCE AND COMMISSION MERCHANTS, NO. 15 SOUTH BROAD ST., ATLANTA, GA. Hay, Oats, Corn, Meal, Bran, Stock Feed, Onions, Feathers, Cabbage, Irish Potatoes Dressed and Live Poultry, Meat, Flour, Lard, N. O. Syrup, Dried Beef, Cheese, FRUITS AND ALL KINDS OF PROVISIONS AND COUNTRY PRODUCE Consignments solicited. Quick sales and prompt remittances anna „ . , age. Excellent facilities for the care of perishable goods. * ‘L diy, rat-proof stor- Judge Tolleson Kirby, Traveling Salesman. gen^?lb'. REFERE>CE?: GatC CUy National Bank ’ aud merchants and bankers of Atlanta against THOMAS J. JONES. Respectfullv otters his services to the people in Newnan and vicinity. Office on Depot street K. H. Barnes’ old jewelry office. Res idence on Depot street, third building east of A. & W. P. depot. Insure your houses Tornadoes and Cyclones, with H. C. FISHER & CO., Ag’ts., Newnan, Ga. The safest Companies and lowest rates. 2Ten? Ctbuertisemcnts. THOMAS FENNER & CO., COMMISSION MERCHANTS, COTTON AND NAVAL STORES. 140 & 142 Pearl SI., New York. ESTABLISHED 38 YEARS. EJTaBrixg your Job Work to Mc Clendon & Co., Newnan, Ga.