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Humor a*a Philosophy
By DUNCAN M. SMITH
: * ‘
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
There are some people in the world
who are bo perverse that they will not
let us show them bow nicely the world
could get along without them.
An obstinate
man would rath¬
& er have his own
‘ wti V way than be pop¬
fl and ular it and is genial, lucky
:s for would. him that he
In the case of the town gossip a little
■ knowledge is apt to be a slanderous
thing.
Some men regard the man who has
no troubles to be drowned as a truly
pitifcble individual
Lots of men who are always running
for office never seem to get anywhere.
Probably the greateat service a doc¬
tor does is keeping us from being
scared to death.
The unpreparedness that sometimes
overcomes ns In an emergency is at¬
tained in some cases only by much
preparation.
The mean things we didn’t say don’t
keep ua awake nights, even if they
Won’t let us go to sleep.
. Blessed, ah, blessed indeed, is it to
: give, more so than to receive, but bow
- about the poor mortal who can do
neither?
Pride ia a very foolish thing, but It
is the foolish things of the world that
have made the most noise in it.
Perpetual Youth.
Wbat'a the use of growing old?
Not the slightest bit.
At threescore a men need not
Fold his arms end quit.
That's what the professor says.
Calm your doubts and fears.
You can lust be starting in
At one hundred year*.
It is easy, so they say
Who have never tried.
Only need to have the rules
Thoroughly applied.
Just like falling off a log
S Backward, they allow,
But they always die before
They have shown us how.
One* in every little while
Borne one comes along
Who can beat the dying game
Or his guess Is wrong.
He can. tell you what to do
So you’ll last and thrive
For a century or two
And stfll be alive.
’ 'What's the of dying
use young.
Dropping off for keeps.
At the age of ninety-two?
Hear them sigh, "He sleeps.”
You can spend some fifty more
Years of pleasant ease.
As the tail Missourian says,
., Show ue. If you please.
Up to the Audience.
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"la your-play a tragedy or a farce?"
“I don’t know yet. I want to wait
and see'whether it makes the audience
laugh or cry."
Doesn't Work That Way.
How nice and pleasant It would be
It now nnd then there would
Appear upon our family tree
An uncle rich end good
Wbo'd leave this world of pain end woe
With much celerity
And let a goodly fortune go
To us In verity!
But, eh.
alee.
I grieve
to say.
It very
eeldom l
works
. ♦ that way.
Frustrated.
"I am looking for work."
"Pond of Itr
i *»
"What kind of work?"
"Any kind. Just so if Is work."
“Mighty proud of your good old fam¬
ily, aren't you?"
“What family?"
“Ananias’."
Answered the Deecription.
“I have a book on small fruit cui
tore.’’
“It doesn’t look like it From ap
psaranees I would take it to be a his¬
torical novel." >
“Anyway the clerk where I bought
it assured me it was current liters
tore.”
Circumstance* AHer SU*.
“How big is a dollar, anyway?"
’That all depends."
“On what?"
“On how hard you have to work for
It and bow long you have t# wait for
it”
Humor <n$ Philosophy
By DUNCAN N. SMITH
ON BUSINESS PRINCIPLES.
Be gentle with the erring.
For you can never know
But what the man may quickly
Recover from the blow.
And if you try to soften
His lot perhaps a ten
Or better you may borrow
When he's on top again.
Mistakes are more than common,
And, as for every crime,
Not every person guilty
Is busy doing time.
Man la so very human,
He sometimes makes a slip.
But by Judicious boosting
He may regain his grip.
No one can read the future.
You cannot always tell
Who'll be on top tomorro—
And who’ll be down the well.
Hold in reserve your Judgment
And try to figure out
For every erring brother
A fraction of a doubt.
We cannot all be angels.
We cannot always say
Just when our little footsteps
Will toddle off astray.
And preaching's Bomewhat different
From sticking to the text.
Be gentle with the erring.
Who knows? We may be next.
Certain to Be Uncertain.
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There is this about a woman—she Is
just as certain to be uncertain as she
Is to be flippant and unuuderstaudable.
He Was On.
"I have a new book here,” said the
affable agent, “that I am only showing
to educated persons.”
“Thanks," said the shy victim, "but
I am afraid I am not eiegible. Tart
of my education in the school of ex¬
perience came from contact with book
agents."
A Follow Up.
“What year were boarding houses In¬
vented ?”
“What year were prunes discov¬
ered?"
r Did they come together?"
t No. The boarding house came the
next year as a consequence.”
Useful Shade.
"What kind of art is this? Who ever
saw a green cow?"
“That’s all right. There ought to be
cows of that color If there are none."
"What for?”
"Just to match the city farmer.”
Saving Money.
"He has three lovely daughters who
are being courted."
"His gas bills ought to be light.”
“They are. Some months he gets a
rebate from the company.”
Cause of Failure.
“Why didn't you succeed?"
"Too much money.”
“I didn’t know you had any."
“Didn't. Other fellow had it."
in Doubt.
Though Santa Claus with everything
Worth having Is supplied,
If he discovers I’m on earth
I will be satisfied.
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
It is indisputable that not every
thorn has Its rose.
Lots of men think they have a hard
layout unless they are served with a
soft snap.
Sometimes the Oml entrant PXYxki 1
i
advocate is the
chief reason why h
you can’t be per¬ V
suaded that a
given thing is
right
Get In touch ill ' %
things, with the but good don’t \J
get good touched thing. for a ^Q
4
A woman may be well posted in poli¬
tics and still be able to select a good
brand of complexion powder.
There are Just two kinds of Re¬
those you don’t believe and those you
do.
Anything will do for Brother Bob.
He doesn’t know a Christmas present
from a horseshoe nail anyhow,
—
Give the children red mittens and
pocket handkerchiefs. They will be
certain to remember you in after years
if you do.
Some babies look like their daddies.
They seem to be harmless little things.
and one would think they would have
better taste.
THE MURRAY NEWS, FRIDAY, JANUARY 8, 1901).
Ornament* of the Peerage.
Lord Lyveden is an ardent peerage
reformer and tells an anecdote in this
connection for whose authenticity he
pledges himself. This narrates how a
famous statesman of the nineteenth
century was called upon to visit his
son in prison. He bitterly reproached
him, remarking, “Here am I. having
worked my way up from a middle
class home to a great position, and
when I die you will be the greatest
blackguard in the peerage.” The son
listened quietly and then replied, with
terrible irony, "Yes—when you die."
Another gf Lord Lyveden’s peerage
stories is equally piquant. The son of
a peer applied to a friend In the north
of England for a housekeeper and was
recommended a certain Mrs. Brown.
The peer wrote to the woman accord¬
ingly to the effect that, having learned
particulars of her character, he was
willing to engage her as his house¬
keeper and making an appointment for
her to call and see him on a certain
date. The good woman replied:
My Lord—From what I have learned of
your character I decline to enter your
house. 1 am your lordship's obedient
servant, ANNE BROWN.
—Westminster Gazette.
The Pleye Mixed.
During one of his tours in this coun
try, when the late Sir Henry Irving
was playing “Twelfth Night” in New
York, he revealed abseutmindeduess
and greatiy amused the members of
his company and the audieuce. As
Malvollo he was expressing surprise
at a remark of Sir Toby.
“Do you know what you say?” he
asked.
To his surprise, a roar of laughter
echoed through the house, and his
stage associates were convulsed.
He repeated the line, putting undue
emphasis on the pronoun, and again
the audience shouted with laughter.
It was not until after the perform¬
ance he learned that quite unconscious¬
ly he had been parodying the well
known words of “The Private Secre¬
tary.” His only explanation was that
it was done in a bit of forgetfulness
while thinking of the other play.—
Chicago Record-Herald.
A Ghost Story.
Floors castle, home of the Duke ot
Roxburghe, was the scene of a curious
psychical mystery over a century ago.
Sir Walter Scott relates the incident.
John, third duke of Roxburghe, who
died in 1804, the celebrated book col¬
lector, when arranging his library em¬
ployed neither a secretary nor a libra¬
rian, but a footman called Archie, who
knew every book as a shepherd does
each sheep of hts flock. There was a
bell hung in the duke's room at Floors
which was used on no occasion except
to call Archie to his study. The duke
died in St James’ square at a time
when Archie was himself tinting un¬
der a mortal complaint. On the day
of the funeral the library bell sudden¬
ly rang violently. The dying Archie
sat up in bed and faltered, “Yes, my
lord duke, yes, I will wait on your
grace instantly.” And with these
words on bis lips he fell back in bed
and died.—St James' Gazette.
The Broken Bottle Symbol.
The breaking of a bottle over the
bow of a vessel at launching seems to
be taken by many people as having a
convivial, a sort of bere’s-looldng-at
you significance, but nothing of the
kind is meant; neither has It any asso¬
ciation with Christian baptism, for
the name of a man-of-war is given
months before the launching. The real
thing typified is sacrifice. Building a
town or setting a ship afloat was a sol
emu matter away back In the dim past,
and such an act was not to be under¬
taken without devoting a life to pro¬
pitiate the gods. Our refined and hu¬
mane civilization no longer dares to
offer up a prisoner or a slave on such
occasions, and therefore a bottle is
broken to symbolize the taking of a
man’s life.—United Service Gazette.
Jerome’s Mistake.
One of the early vicissitudes of Je¬
rome K. Jerome as an actor was to be
offered his choice of playing the part
of either a soldier or a donkey in a
pantomime, a real donkey with four
legs. After careful consideration he
thought the red coat the more becom¬
ing disguise and chose the part of the
soldier. Apparently he made a mistake,
from the point of view of success,
at all events, for a few days afterward
the manager came to him and said:
"You made a great mistake, Jerome,
in not taking the part of the donkey.
It would just suit you. and there’s 5
shillings a week more in it”
A Coin Trick.
Rub a coin against a smooth, upright
surface for a little while, then press it
hard and take your hand away from it
You will be surprised perhaps to see
this coin stick to the wood. The rea¬
son is that in rubbing the coin over the
wood and then pressing it hard, you
drive out all the air between the two
objects, and the pressure of the at¬
mosphere keeps the coin in its place.
Just Suited Her.
“Please, ma’am, I haven’t a friend
or a relative in the world,” said the
tramp.
“Well, I’m glad there’s no one to
worry over you In case you get hurt
Here, Tiger!" said the housekeeper.
Getting His Own Back.
"The giraffe has a tongue eighteen
Inches long,” said Mrs. Talkmore.
“And knows how to hold it, too,”
growled Mr. Talkmore, who had had a
long curtain lecture the night before.—
London Answers.
Don’t try to be a mind reader. Think
how uncomfortable It would be to
know what people are thinking about
you.— Atchison Globe.
WATCHES
If you want a reliable Watch, buy
where the good ones are sold. I
the best that is guaranteed. Special
bargains. Call and see them.
Get your I. O. 0. F., Badges,
Buttons, Rings and all other
Jewelry from
W. S. LENTS, Jeweler and Optltioner,
CHATSWOFTH, css
GLASSES TO SUIT ALL EYES. Call and see them.
A great many people have kid
ney an j bladder trouble, mainly
due to neglect of the accasional
pains in the back, slight rheu
niat j c pa ins, urinary disorders,
etc. Delay in such cases is dan¬
gerous. Take DeWitt’s Kidney
a nd Bladder Bills. They are for
weak Lack, backache, rhenmat
ic pains and all kidney and blad
der trouble. Don’t fail to get
DeWitt’s Kidney and Bladder
Bills. Accept no substitute. Reg¬
ular size 25c. Sold by S. H.
Kelly.
String beans at Kerr’s.
ETON MERCANTILE CO.
Have just received a fine lot
of wagons and buggies, and
will sell cheap for cash or
good note. 4t
ETON MERCANTILE CO.
It Does The Business.
Mr. E. E. Chamberlain, of Clin¬
ton, Maine, says of Bucklen’s
Arnica Salve. “It does the busi¬
ness ; I have used it for piles and
it cured them. Used it for chap¬
ped hands and it cured them.
Applied it to an old sore and it
healed it without leaving a scar
behind.” 25c. at Arrowood and
Rouse’s store.
THOMPSON & WOOD,
DALTON, GA.
arc still in business at the O’Neal Corner; with a lull line of
Groceries and are always glad when their Murray friends call on
them. Call on them before you buy.
THOMPSON & WOOD,
DAMTON, GA.
For health and happiness—De¬
Witt’s Little Early Risers—small
gentle, easy, pleasant little liver
pills, the best made. Sold by
S. H. Kelly.
Kerr pays the highest price for
eggs chickens and butter.
lo-quarl tin bucket lor loc. at
Kerr’s.
Dalton Novelty company.
We are still in business and
want to make January our
best month, and will make
you good prices if you will
call on us. We are always
glad to see our Murray coun*
ty friends. Ladies’, our Mil*
linery line is complete, call
and see us.
DALTON NOVELTY CO., Dalton, Ga.
A Cure for Misery.
“I have found a cure for the
misery malaria poison produces,”
says R. M. James, of Louellen,
S. 0. “It’s called Electric Bit¬
ters, and comes in 50 cent bot¬
tles. It breaks up a case of chills
or a bilious attack in almost no
time; audit puts yellow jaun¬
dice clean out of commission.”
This great tonic medicine and
blood purifier gives quick relief
in all stomach, liver and kidney
complaints and the misery of
lame back. Sold under guaran¬
tee at Arrowood and Rouse’s
store.
A Higher Health Level.
'‘I have reached a higher health
level since I began using Dr.
King’s New Life Pills,” writes
Jacob Springer, of West Frank¬
lin, Maine. “They keep my
stomach, liver and bowels work¬
ing just right.” If these pills
disappoint you ®n trial, money
will be refunded at Arrowood and
Rouse’s store.
Mrs. C. S. Bryan and Miss Eva
Noland wishes to announce to
the people that they will put in
a nice and full line of Millinery
and Notions fcr Ladies’ in the
near future. Will pay you to
wait and see our stock before
buying.
Our goods will be of the very
latest and our prices wright.
■ §fm
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WILL S. COX
one of the first and
leading merchants of
Chats worth.
Mr. Cox built his
storehouse and be¬
came one of the lead¬
ing merchants of
Chatsworth long be¬
fore the whistle blew
along theL.& N. line.
He is recognized as
one of the best busi¬
ness men of North
Georgia.
It is well known
that he keeps any¬
thing in the mercan¬
tile line.
His trade in buggies,
wagons, stoves and
furniture has been im¬
mense. What he does
not know about the
merchantile business
is not worth knowing.
He is the present
mayor of Chatswnrth.
Chatsworth has
thrived under his ad
ministration. He is
a big advertiser, and
believes in advertis¬
ing with all his heart.
He has a broad
mind and agoodheart
and always ready to
sport a good cause.
■
NH f he world was ■
filled up with men .
like Will S. Cox we
would soon have a
happy,prosperous and
contented people.