Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page.

m V I ■ ♦ J. C. HEARTSELL, Ed. and Pub. VOL XII. THE UTOPIAN PARKER, Gvme here, my dear, I want ter say a word or two ter yoa < •Bout what I think’s the proper thing for me V you ter do. Ye’ve gave me mighty good advice sence we was wed that day Way back in sixty-one,’n’ now Vi like to have ye say Ef you don’t think I’ve got a right ter do as others does, ’N* sell the crops before they grows, jest like them Easterners. Why, Meg, a man out in Noo York hez sold a lot o’ corn Thet’s several thousand bushels more then what the country’s borne— ’N 1 got his money too, I’m told, ’u’ didn’t have a peck Of grain o. any kind in hand to back his lit- t.e spec. He cleared a hundrid thousand cash I ’N" Meg, that’s more’n we Have cleared at farmin’ alt our days, or ever will, by gee! ’IP I can’t say I sees the use o’ workin’ day by day ’N’ only seltin’ what we raise for mighty lit¬ tle pay, When them as hasn't any grain can sell up there in towu A million pecks of wheat ’n’ corn, V git their money down. The modern plan’s a dandy, Meg, ’n’ e£ wa makes it go. I’ll get you that planner, ’n’ the trottin’- horse for Joe. We’ll raise the mortgage off the roof, n” paint the old barn red, *N* send the gals to Paris, France, and buy a rosewood bed. We’ll get new carpets for the floors, ’a’ keep a hired man, Ef only I can go to towu V learn to work the plan. ’N 1 mebbe, Meg, I’d make enough ter run for Governor, Or get sent down to Wash in’ton a full- fledged Senator. I tell yer, gal, this is an age thet beats crea- tion. Say, What would yer father’ve said, d’ye think, if he wuz here to-day, Ter see folks sellin’ wheat and corn, and hull cars full o’ rye. ’N 1 leven-twelfths of all they sold nowhere but in their eye? How he wouid yell ter think of us a-makln of a pot O’ gold at sellin’ fellers things we haven’t really got I What’s that ye say? It isn’t straight to sell what ye don’t own? •N’ if I goes into the spec, I goes it all alone? The music on thq^pianny ye think would drive yer mad. If it was bought from sailin’ things ye never rightly had? Wall, have yer way; Til let it go; I didn’t mean no harm; But what is straight in cities can’t bo crooked on a farm. ■“John K. Bangs, in Harper’s Magazine. ALICE GUM BLE TOYS CAT. BY W. HENDEKSON. r UCH like Brer Rab- , ! I bit was the village -jii i of Guinbletown in I | that it lay low. !!' But nevertheless it jj) possession boasted the of proud iy (t q a ho¬ tel, ‘even churches,a ; : t I | wholesale small store and | a steam fire I engine of brilliant X appearance and un- tried ability. 7 Stay, there was also a high school, the Guinbletown Free Academy as it was called, at which the youth ot both sexes applied their ruby lips to the Pierian Spring with edi¬ fying results. The school prospered with a large and unctuous prosperity, and the number ot its scholars increased and multiplied until it became necessary to engage an additional professor. He came from—no matter where—it was over the hills and far away. And he looked it. He was a wonderfully handsome man, and his name was Bartholomew Spunk. He was a chemist by profession, and he had become so fond of communing with nature in her secret moods that it was well nigh impossible to induce him to communicate with anybody eise; es¬ pecially if anything else had long hair aid wore skirts. Proiessor Spunk had no fear of unmentienable chloride nor of indescribable oxides, but he was afraid of woman, lovely woman. She was not afraid of him, however; but, so far as she was of Guinbletown extraction, s.ie spent much of her time iu endeavoring to get a good look at the Professor’s eyes, which were said to be very beauti¬ ful. Bartholomew Spunk took up his abode in a moss-covered boarding-house, where the fried steaks and the coffee grounds sang together as morning stars, and the cold boiled ham came out on the eastern horizon as the sun slipped down the west. The Professor came and went in silence, and he lived his daily life in his ' own solitary fashion. Every evening he went out in the garden beside the house and snip! ad his big briarwood pipe, a relic pf and .Allege days. The garden side of was prett, j just on the other the fence was another still prettier. The - Professor frequently peered through the fence at this garden and wondered who kept it in such exquisite order. If he ' \ SPRING PLACE. MURRAY COUNTY, GA. MARCH IT, 1892. had known that every time he peeped through that fence he was watched closely and by a young woman, he would have sunk through the earth, if he could. In the next house lived the remnants of one of tho primeval families of Gtim- bletown. Even that isolated village had old lamilies and blue blood, and when old Jonathan Gumbleton,after whom the town was named, had died forty years before, he left two young sons, who hastened to marry and extend the family. The widow of one of these sons lived in the house to> which belonged the pret- tv garden. She had a daughter, and that (laughter’s name was Alice Alary Gumbleton. Blue blood frequently de¬ clines to associate with beauty, but in this case it did not. Alice Mary Gupi- bleton was as beautiful a creature as one, or even two, could wish to see. Her hair was as black as the shades of night; her large eyes were a deep, soft brown, her complexion was like the bloom on a lily ; and her mouth—well, there is no way to describe her mouth except by saying it was one of the most enticing features on earth. Aliss Alice Mary Gumbleton resembled Professor Barthol¬ omew Spunk in one thing—she was bashful. Not all the awkwardly ex¬ pressed admiration which the swains of Guinbletown had laid so generously at her feet had ever beeu sufficient to in¬ spire her with the smallest portion of that self-confidence which usually ani¬ mates a belle. She was hopelessly shy, aud her conversation was terribly mono¬ syllabic—except to her cat. Alice Mary Gumbleton had a Maltese eat upon which she lavished the treasures of her heart and her intellect. Every one who ever saw that cat said it was the wisest looking animal in the world. And it ought to have been wise; for Alice Mary talked to it by the hour and gave it the choice results of her long pe¬ riods ot silence aud meditation. The name of the eat was Jaue. And the cat was as beautiful as its name. Yet in spite of Alice's devotion to this animal she was obliged one day to speak to the Professor, or I should say that it was because of her devotion. A few doors away from the home of the fair Alice dwelt a hideous youth whose favorite companion was a large bull-dog. This bull-dog was like unto the rest of his kind. He loved not man nor beast. His soul was filled with per¬ petual gloom, and he went about the world with a depressed —I might say liatig-dog—look which boded no one good. One day Alice was aroused from a deep meditation by a series of heart¬ rending shrieks followed by a dire dis¬ cord of hissing and spitting, which she at once recognized as being the product of the euergies of Jane. Rushing to the window she beheld the dear cat mount¬ ing the fence with less dignity than haste. At the foot of the fence stood the obnoxious bull-dog, looking very angry. "Oh, my beautiful Jane!” screamed Miss Alice. She rushed from the house with a broom in her hand prepared to meet death in the defense of her pet. But when the dog wheeled round and pre¬ pared to resist her onslaught, she paused aDd changed her tactics. "Go away, you nasty beast!” she said. But the dog failed to catch the idea, and remained where he was, still keeping a watchful eye on the cat. "Oh, dear!” said Alice, “what shall I do!” At that moment the Professor entered his garden by the front gate, having just returned flora school. His eyes fell upon Alice, who was a lovely picture of despair, as she stood gazing atthe fero¬ cious dog and the unhappy cat. The Professor was speechless with admira¬ tion. He stared at Alice as he had never look at a woman before. Then his scat- tered senses began to return to him, and lie felt the blood mounting to his fore- i head, while his heart was going like a steam fire engine. He gazed about him and finally perceived the cat, but not the dog. “Can I—shall I—that is—I beg par¬ don—but—but—do you want the cat?" he stammered. “Yes, sir; if you—if you—p--please, sir,” was the reply. The Professor advanced slowly and hesitatingly toward tne fence. Sud¬ denly he heard a low growl. He paused and looked around; but, seeing nothing, again advanced. “On!” exclaimed Alice; “take care— there’s a h-h-hole iu the fence; he can get through.” The Professor stooped and peered be¬ tween tlie pickets. Then he saw the hull-dog. The next moment the Pro-, lessor had vanished into the house. “Ah-h!” screamed Alice; “please to come back and save Jane.” She had miscaculated the Professor’s gallantry. In anotner moment he re¬ appeared, bearing in his hand a huge navy revolver. “Please go into—the house,” he said; “I might hit you.” But Alice remained transfixed with breathless anticipation. The Professor advanced cautiously toward the fence. When he had reached a position from which he could see the dog, he pointed the pistol carefully, turned away his head, shut his eyes and pulled the trigger. There was a tremendous report; splinters flew in every direction and a cloud of smoke obscured the Professor's view. The astonished dog laid back his ears and fled down the street as if he thought the end of the world had come. No sooner had he gone than Alice rushed forward, seized the unhappy ^at, “TELL THE TRUTH.” and, pressing the animal convulsively house. to her bosom, rushed into the When the Prolessor got the smoke out of his eyes, and found that girl, cat aud dog had all disappeared, he marveled greatly at the extent of his own prowess; and had he not caught a glimpse of Alice through the wiudow, would cer¬ tainly have gone and surrendered him¬ self to the town constable The next day the Professor rose early and robbed his landlady. He stole a saucer of milk and went out to look for—for the gray cat, of course, lie found Juue basking in the sunlight. As a basker in the sun light there was no cat that could sur¬ pass Jane. The Professor stole through the opeuing in the fence and set the saucer of milk under Jane's whiskers. At that instant a window dew opeu, a fair head popped out, aud a timid voice said; “Thank you.” Then the window shut with a bang, the Professor jumped clear over the fence and disappeared. When he returned from school that afternoon he found £ note on bis table. It said! for X milk. meant thank you tor saving Jans, not j That was all. Day after day the Pro- fessor fished vainly for au opportunity to see that girl again; but he could not. He had vague suspicions that she watched 1 him from behind half-closed blinds and half drawn window curtains; but ho could not verify bis suspicions. They were true enough. Poor Alice! She was in a miserable state of mind on account of her own dreadful forwardness in send¬ ing that note. But the damage was done now. The Professor sought consolation in the society of Jane. With stolen saucers of milk he enticed tho eat through the fence, and finally up to his room. There ho used to pick the purring animal up, walk about the room with her iu his arms, aud mumble ridiculous nonsense in her dun-colored ear. “Bhe’s the mos’ booful«*st lady in world, Kitty. Yes, s’e is. Don’ yo« wag you’ ear an’ say s’e’s not. An’ ole p’ofessor, he jus’ lulls her—ura-m-m so much. But you mus’n’t tell, Kitty.” And Jane didn’t. She never said a word about it. It’s strange, too; because when she went home, her mistress used to seize tier aud embrace her, aud say: “Oh, Jane, darling, you’ve been to see him 1 And I’m sure he must have kissed you, because you're so lovely. I wonder where. Oh, it must have been right there on your beautiful forehead! There, there, there 1” It was strange that Jane held her peace after that; but she was a wise cat, and knew that time works wonders. Periiaps if Jane had known what won¬ ders time had in store for her—but no matter. One day Jane went to the Pro¬ fessor’s room when ho was out. Jane waited sometime, and then, becoming restless, s ie began to wander about the room. Over in a corner she saw a lot of bottles. She decided to examine them. She did so. One of them fell over against another. There was a flash, a report, a yell of anguish; aud Jane rushed from the house a sad anl grewsome sight. Hairless, black, and feeble, tte once glorious Jane went home and lay down at her mistress’s feet. A quarter of an hour later, Professor Bartholomew Spunk, entering the gate of hi3 plain and substantial bording-uouse, was con¬ fronted by the figure of a weeping madden. “It’s all your fault!” exclaimed Alice. “If you had let my darling Jane alone, and hadn’t coaxed ner into your house, it would have been all right. Now- now—she’s gone—and gone—and got herself—all—all—blown up—and she’ll die—and, oh, and oh—oh—I h-h-hat« you!” Bartholomew Spunk turned deadly pale. “AlasI”he said; “and is Jane blown up? But—buit—what can I say? Per¬ haps—that is—Miss Alice—may be— well—will vou take—me instead of the cat?” She looked up into his eyes. Then she decided that a gray cat was not the help that was meet for her.—Puck. Is Snow a Fertilizer? The query is snow a fertilizer? is often asked. Tr,ere cannot be a better reply, perhaps, than this one by the Country Gentleman: It was common many years ago to give much credit to snow as the ‘‘farmer’s fertilizer,” but later in¬ vestigation proves it as of very slight value at best. The amount of nitrogen which is*absorbed and brought down in rain and snow in one whole year is only about one-sixth part of the amount re¬ quired for the growth of crops, and it is therefore quite insufficient to feed a growing crop, even if it remained long enough iu the soil to prove in any degree effective. But the snow ycafty can secure only a small portion of the supply, and therefore it is safe to make no account of the snow as a manure. To go a little more into detail, the results of careful examinations by emi¬ nent scientific men show that the total amount of ammonia brought down in a whole year in the rain, dew and snow is about eight pounds to an acre of surface, varying somewhat with seasons and lo¬ calities; while in a crop of twenty-eight bushels of wheat there were forty-five pounds of nitrogen; in two and one-half tons of meadow hay there were fifty-six pounds, and in two and one-half pounds.—New tons of clover hay there were 108 York World. Two centuries and seven different men claim the invention of gunpowder. THE LOSE STAR REPUBLIC. CUSTOMS OF THE PROUD AND PAS¬ SIONATE CHILEANS. The Women Are Beautiful and the l Men Quarrelsome—Scenes in the Two Leading Cities. T~TS native term is Chile. It is along I trip of arable land stretching from L the width Andes varies to tho from Pacific forty miles Ocean. 200. Its 6 to Its length of coast line from the Rio Zarna to Cape Hoen is 2800 miles. The climate is delightful, save for an occa¬ sional earthquake, which is usually followed by copious rains. Tho people are descendants of Spaniards and speak the Spanish dialect tongue. Santiago is the capital city but divides honors with Valparaiso TheCuiitanos • fond are proud and passion- ate, of picking quarrels with their neighbors, with an overplus of lighting propensities and ready at any moment to try their steel with an adversary. Like all Spaniards, they are haughty and aris- tocratiCj pre fe r in g the spoilage of war to the advocations of peace. For this rea- 8011 they submit amicably to the invasion of English residents, who introduce all the elements ot modern civilization into a country which, but for that, would still be a semi-barbaric state of opulent It is unfortunate that Chile should have early contractcda prejudice against the Uuited States—unfortunate for her¬ self, as siie suffered more from her re¬ fusal to trade with us, than we do from the loss of her corameree, which she di¬ verts by every meins in her power to foreign nations across the Atlantic. By a law of 1887 tlie strength of the Chilean standing army was limited to 5335 men. Besides tho regular army there is a National Guard composed of citizens. Tnese number 43;530 men. The ranks of both tho National Guard aud the regular army are speedily re¬ cruited, in time of war, by enforced or voluntary enlistments. Santiago, the capital of Chile, is sit¬ uated on the River Mapocho, in tho cen¬ tre of a large plain, surrounded by hills anil commanding a view of the magnifi¬ cent peaks of the Andes in the distance, including the high mountain of Acon¬ cagua, which is visibio its entire dis¬ tance. Like Valparaiso, with which it is connected by a five-hour railroa d ride, it is a city of luxury and elegance, with picturesque surroun lings. The climate being mild, like that of Washington, D. C., tile people do without fires and sit and shiver in luxury, having an idea that fire and warmth will produce sickness. The English and American residents pro¬ vide themselves with comfortable fires, but the Chillano alfects to despise arti¬ ficial heat, although he wraps himself in warm clothes and rugs, and tries to keep warm in that way. Foot-warmers arc used and carried about from room to room. They are embroidered wooden cases made by the nuns, into which the ladies slip their feet. Tho dampness which results from this lack of tire is most unhealthy, and provocative of pneumonia and rheumatism. There are due shops in the arcades lighted by electricity, and filled with modern goods of every description. There is a novel method of shopping em¬ ployed. The stores open at ten iu the morning, and close at five in the after¬ noon for an. hour or more. Then they open again and do not close until mid¬ night. The ladies go out at these late hours, as all the shopping is done in the evening, when the electric light adds to the splendor of laces and jewels. Tne Dons, it is said, go to the shops to stare at the pretty ladies who take it as a compliment. There is nothing serious about the shopping, as it is one of the amusements of tho city, and the shops are a proper and favorite rendezvous lor ladies and gay cavaliers, the tSenoras and Dons of Chile. Tho ladies make splen¬ did toilets for shopping aud for the theater, but for church they wear black always. In the morning at mass they wear the manta over the head, but on the fashionable promenade in the after¬ noon it is discarded. The Chilean devotee carries her prayer- rug with her to church and kneels ou it, a comfortable and luxurious penitent. As there are no pews and the stone floors of the churches are both cold aud damp, her cautiou is necessary. Everything to be found in Paris or New York can be obtained in Santiago. There are fine carriages and fashionable drives. There is an abundance of money among the aristocratic residents of the city and they spend it with luxurious abandon. The popular drive of the city is the Alameda, which has a fashionable pro m- snade between rows of poplar trees; a drivesvay on either side one hundred feet inside, and which extends the entire length of the city, four or five miles. Here are statues to the brave men of Chile, in either bronze or marble, and military bands assist in making the scene lively during the afternoon and evening. The ladies of Cuile are beautiful and know how t© make the most of their charms by dressing in luxurious style; they are also noted for ttt- r brilliant conversational and entertain ing powers, and their ability to carry on one of the endless intrigues for which the country is famous, and which, complicated as it may be, seldom suffers from, an expose or comes to harm. The present class of Chileans have jjtheir im Valparaiso, own special where form they of amusement, to Cousino as go $1.00 a Year in Advance. Park, drink chicha and dance the c aaca, the Chilean National dance. All kinds of lruits grow in Chile and there are large vineyards in the country ■for the production of native wines. The Chilean sausage is said to be as good as the famous ones of Bologna. The Chilean flag has one lone star on a ground of blue, which is contained in the inner square of the upper half of tuc pennant. There is a National hymn, ten verses long, which is sung on all public occa¬ sions. The Lone Star Republic never allows its greatness to grow dim in tuc hearts of its subjects. It is treason when a Chilean fails to manifest hi-, lu , ^ , b , ? evur * 0 uUarJ “*?• rilere 18 a P unl,c , 1, » rar J’>« Santiago „ . wh , ! ch c ° nta,ns uearly , 1( H 00U «•»»"»* a “ a lar ”° number of manuscript-. 1 hero is also a university and colic eo sc "> a conservatory and botaufoa S arden ’ l l T e ; ,re “ uu,lber 0 ,‘ ! M, P ers P ubl, , f hed IU tbe c “y au 1 P ub ‘. ,c 'biprovemeuts are advancing with , mpw 8 “>X Tl “ 8 “ due ‘° tho entcr i >,ise American and English residents, , enricued by Ciiiieau ventures. The Ckiilano is not a money-making animal. He would rather fight than eat. If he is not a soldier, then he prefers to be a farmer and expend his untamed energies in out- of-door labor. A Cuillano is slender with a tapering waist and sinews ot steel. He is full o! endurance and he carries himself like a conqueror, even though ho has never crossed swords with au adversary. B it his people are of mixed blood and are beginning to lose some of their natural traits aud must hereafter exist on tradi¬ tions. The President of Ohili receives $13.- 000 a year for his services, aud is elected to office for a term of five years. He has a Congress aud a Cabinet o! Ministers, a Senate and a Chamber ot Deputies. Tnere is a complicated sys¬ tem of political power which is at once complete and powerful. This is not sur¬ prising when it is taken into considera¬ tion that tile native census only su ns up a totality of 3, Lit,000 inhaOitants.— Detroit Free Press. WISE BOGUS. noney bees never sting one another. The rigat kiud of love never brags on its work. The right kind of faith never takes no for an answer. Keep your pathway to the throne well paved with promises. A man with a pure heart ought to be i man with a clean mouth. People with empty heads most gener¬ ally have tongues that rattle. It is better to suffer wrong from every man than to do wrong to a single one. You will loso to-day if you try to make it a burden-bearer for to-morrow. To dare is great, but to go to work and do your duty as you ought to is greater. We are never saved by knowing oui strengtn, and never lost by finding out our Ram’s weakness.—Indianapolis (Ind.j Horn. Growing Peanuts. Peanuts grow best on rather light, sandy loams, especially when they con¬ tain a good percentage of lime. The presence of this last sub3tauce seems to be essential to the full development of the peanut, aud wneu not naturally present iu the soil must be supplied. This may be done by broadcast applica¬ tions of lime—ten to tvventy busnels of slac.ced lime to the acre—or by composts into which land plaster enters, or acid phospates, as tnese last contain a large percentage of lime. Ashe3 also con¬ stitute a good fertilizer for peanuts, as these contain a good deal of lime, also potash. The yield is very variable. We have no data before us to say what the average is, probably not exceeding thirty bushels per acre. Land is pre¬ pared as for other crops and thrown into low, flat beds, three to four feet wide, I according to variety grown. Wuat is termed the Spanish peanut does not grow as large as some others and may be planted on three foot beds, hills two feet apart. The crop is planted about the same time that corn is, usually in March. The whole nut may be planted, but plants do not come up as quickly as when they are shelled. When planting is delayed from any cause, it is better to plant tho shelled peas, two seeds in each hill. When the plants appear they are plowed aud hoed at first like any other crop. As branches form an . spread out dirt should be sifted under their ends with » plow every week or two, but the branches should not be disturbed by the plow'. The peanut blossoms above ground, but when the bloom drops the embryo nut decends into the ground by a lengthening of its stem. If it does not get into the soil it aborts and comes to notning. It is important, therefore, to have fresh loose earth in which the nut3 may bury themselves, also that the vines be not moved, because when disturbed the nuts will be pulled out of the ground. Some persons place dirt on the vines to press them into the ground and cover the nuts. This is not necessary if dirt is properly sifted under the ends of the advancing limbs, and is objectionable because it smothers more or less of the leaves.—Southern Farmer. Judge Story was at Harvard College at fifteen, in Congress at twenty-nine and Judge of the Supreme Court of the United States at thirty-two. NO. 2. THE CHICKADEE*I Care keeps its bold with constant clasp,' Whatever may betide usq Brief waits the shrinking heart to grasp. Pacing, hail veiled, beside us,' But oh, the sky is blue, And oh, the sun is bright! And the chickadee in the dark pinotTSB Carols his meek delight The earth in silent snows is bound;' Wantgrinds and pain oppresses; Life’s awful problems who shall sound? . Its riddles sad who guesses? But oh, the sky is blue, Aud oh, the sun is bright! tree* And the chickadee in the tall pine Sings in the cold’s despite. Grive me of thy wise hope, dear bird, Who brav’st the bitter weatherl Share the glad message thou hast heard. And let us sing together. Tho winter winds blow wild, No storm can thee affright. Thy trust teach me, oh chickadee. Sweet chanting from thy bight. —Celia Tkaxter, in the Independent, HUMOR OP THE DAY. A grip-sack—The doctor’s saddle bags. Lightning talkers — Fire insurance agents. Most people laugh not when they want 1 to, but when they think people imagine they ousjjht to.—Atchison Globe. DeSmithers—“Do you object to col¬ ored waiters atthe club?” Bjones—“I object to green ones.—The Club. The man who laughs in his sleeve should he relegated to the society ot him who talks through his hat.—Pack. A man’s goodness to his wife depends entirely on ncr ability to make him en¬ joy being good to her.—Atchison Globe. It is always proper to call upou the superintendent of the streets to “mend his ways.”—Boston Commercial Bulle¬ tin. No one can ever tell what a woman will do next. If any one did tell she would be sure to do something eise.—■ Somerville Journal. The flush upon the cheek of the society girl is not hectic; it is permanent until it is scraped off with the butcher knife. —Galveston News. It’s rumored as a strong proof of na-, ture’s disposition to assert itself that few girls learning the violin care to use the chin rest.—Philadelphia Times. Patient—“Doctor, I fancy, somehow, I’ve got a touch of the gout.” Doctor— “Fancy, my dear sir I If you had, you wouldn’t fancy—you’d know.”—Comic. Ethel—“Mr. Hobson and Mr. Hub- bell will call this evening, Grace, you know. What shall we do to entertain' them?” Grace—“Let’s propose.”—Bos¬ ton Post. The barber is a sort of bellicose indi¬ vidual. He has his little brushes right along, he lathers people, and he oc¬ casionally smashes their mugs.—Bing¬ hamton Leader. Miss Ongwee—-‘I think your charms are simply horrid!” Jeweler—“Yours, miss, are irresistible.” Miss Ong>vee— “I’ll take half a dozen, please. ”—Jewel¬ er’s Gazette. “Carberis stili in trouble. His lawyer now makes serious charges a nunst him.’* “I thought he won his case?” “So he did,and that’s what his lawyer is cuarg- ing him for.”—Lowell Citizen. Charlie (who has been blowing the cornet for an hour) —“Ned,do me?” you think there is any music in Ned—“I don't know. There ought to be. I didn’t hear any come out.”—Loads* Tid-Bits. He—“I am rather in favor of the English mode of spelling.” She— “Ye-es?” He—"Yes, indeed. Take ‘parlor’ for instance. Having world. u in it 1 ’ makes all the difference in tne Indianapolis J ournal. Brown—“Yes, he was a brave man— one who could meet deatn without blanching.” Fogg— 4 4 I see. The gen¬ tleman was in the undertaking profes¬ sion, I presume; or was he ouly a dila¬ tor?”—Boston Transcript. Seeker—“You have been farming many years in this section aud know the peculiarity of the soil pretty well; what do you consider the hardest thing to raise on your farm?” Meeker—"Tne money to run it.”—Boston Courier. “Ah," said Chappie jokingly to Miss Keene, “this is leapyaer.donteherknow; do you intend to avail yourself of its priv¬ ileges?” “I really cannot tell what I might do,” she said with a smile, “if a man should come along.”—New York Press. Binks—“I don’t like to comnlain about trifles, Mrs. Jingle, but my hash ■ appears to consist largely of fragments of deil board.” Mrs. Jingle (the landlady) —"Well, what kind of board do you expect lor five dollars a week—polished mauogany ?”—W asp. She—"Did you succeed in mastering* French while in France?” He—‘‘Nearly. I did not succeed in making the French¬ men comprehend me, nor could I make out what they were driving at; but I got so I could understand myself when I talked.”—Funny Folks. Lady (engaging cook)—“Why did you leave your last place?” Cook—“I couldn’t stand the dreadful way the master and missus used to quarrel,mum.” Lady—“What used they to quarrel about?” Cook—“The way the dinner cooked',' mum.”—London Spinas*,’