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Page 12
Satan Writes Letter
To Kaiser Wilhelm
e» *
Monarch of Hell Abdicates in Favor of Prus
sian Murderer —Hands Over Keys to the
World’s Champion Eaby Killer,
Syberkrop, of Creston, lowa, an
nounces that the Kaiser has succeeded
Satan as Lord of Hell. Mr. Syberkrop
has given to the press the following
personal letter from Old Nick to his
former pupil:
•'The Infernal Region.
"To Wilhelm von Hohenzojlern, King of
Prussia, Emperor of All . < f cr ™®l*t y ABp
Envoy Extraordinary, of Almighty God.
"Mv Dear Wilhelm:
“I can call you by that familiar name,
for I have always been very close to you,
much closer than you could ever know.
From the time that you were yet an un
developed being in your mother s womb,
I have shaped your destiny for my own
P^Tu“ < the days of Rome I created a
roughneck known in history as Nero, he
was a vulgar character and suited my
purpose at that particular time. In these
modern times a classic demon and ef
ficient super-criminal was needed and
as I know the HohepzdUern blood I P’<-k
--ed you as my special instrument to
place on earth an annex of hell. t gave
you abnormal ambition, likewise an "
supply of egotism, that you r !J lK . h t not
discover your own failings. I twi. t-d
your mind to that of a mad man with
certain normal tendencies to o
by, a most dangerous character P-aeea
in power; I gave you the powerof a. hyp
otist and a certain megnetic force that
you might sway your people. I.am re-
sponsible for the deformed arm that
hangs helpless on your left, youi
cripnled condition embitters .life and
destroys all noble impulses that mi„.it
otherwise cause me anxiety, but your
strong sword arm is driven by your am
bition th.it squelches ah Sen t‘™ e 'Y 1
nitw I placed in your,-soul a deep hatred
for all things English, for of all nations
on earth I hate England wherever
England plants her flag she brings or
der out of chaos and the hated C ross fo
lows the Union Jack; under her rule wild
tribes become tillers of the soil and m
due time practical citizens; she isth
great civilizer of the globe and I HATE
HER. I planted in your soul a cruel
hatred for your mother because she was
English, and left my good friend T.is
marck to fan the flame I had ® d -J*®’
cent history proves how wed our work
was done. It broke your royal mother s
heart, but I gained my purpose
"The inherited disease of the Ilohen
zollerns killed your father, just as it will
kill you, and you became the ruler of
Germany and a tool of mine sooner than
1 you and further hasten my
work I sent you three evil spirits, Neitz
sche, Treitscke and later Bernhard!,
whose teaching inflamed the youths of
Germany, who in good time won d be will-,
ing and loyal subjects and eager to spill
their blood and pull your chestnuts, ours
and mine; the spell has been perfect—
you cast your ambitious eyes toward the
Mediterranean, Egypt, India and the Dar
danelles and you began your great trad- (
way to Bagdad, but the ambitious arch- ,
duke and his more ambitious wife stooit ,
in your way. It was then that I sowed
the seed in your heart that blossomed into ,
the assassination of the Duke and his
wife, and all hell smiled when it saw how |
cleverly you saddled the crime on to
Servia. I saw you set sail for the fjord • .
of Norway and I knew you woud prove
an alibi. How cleverly done, so much
like your noble grandfather who also se- :
cured an assassin to remove old King
Frederick of Denmark, and later robheu :
that country of two provinces that gave .
Germany an opportunity to became a na- |
val power. Murder is dirty work, but it
takes a Hohenzollern to make away anti
gc.t it.
Your opportunity was at hand; yon set
the world on fire and bells of hell were
ringing; your rape on Belgium caused
much Joy, it was the beginning, 'the
foundation of a perfect hell on earth; the ;
destruction of noble cathedrals and other ;
infinite works of art was hailed with joy ■
in the infernal regions. You made war |
on friends and foe alike, and the murder |
of civilians showed my teachings had.
borne‘fruit. Your treachery toward neu
tral nations hastened a universal up- I
heaval, the thing I most desired. Your
under-sea warfare is a master stroke, I
from the smallest mackerel pot to the
great Lusitania you show no favorites;
as a Wars Lord you stand supreme,
for you have no mercy: you have no con
sideration for the baby clinging to its
mother’s breast as they both go down
into the deep together, only to be torn
apart and leisurely devoured by sharks
down among the corals.
“I have strolled over the battlefields of
Belgium and France; I have seen your
hand of destruction everywhere; it’s an
your work, superfiend that I made you. I
have seen the fields of Poland; now a
wilderness fit for prowling beasts only;
no merrv children in Poland now; they
all succumbed to frost and starvation.
I drifted down into Galicia where former
ly Jews and Gentiles lived happily to
gether- I found but ruins and ashes; I
felt a curious pride in my pupil, for it was
all above my expectations. I was in
Belgium when you drove the peaceful
population before you like cattle into slav
ery- you separated man and wife and
forced them to hard labor in trenches. I
have seen the most fiendish rape com
mitted on young women, and those who
were forced into maternity were cursing
the father of their offspring, and I began
to doubt if my own inferno was really
Ul "You have taken millions of dollars from
inocent victims and called it Indemnity:
you have lived fat on the land you
usurped and sent the real owners away
to starvation. You have stayed away
from all legalized war methods and in
troduced a code of your own. You have
killed and robbed the people of friendly
nations and destroyed their property.
You are a liar, a hypocrite and a bluffer
of the highest magnitude. You are a
part of mine, and yet you pose as a per
sonal friend of God. Ah, Wilhelm, you
are a wonder. You wantonly destroy all
things in your path and leave nothing
for coming generations.
FRENCH AND CAMP
"I was amazed when I saw you form
a partnership with the impossible Turk,
the chronic killer of Christians, and you u
devout worshipper of the Lutheran
church. I confess, Wilhelm, you are a
puzzle at times. A Mohammedan army,
commanded by German officers, assisting
one another in massacreing Christians, is
a new line of warfare. When a Prus
sian officer can witness a nude woman
being disemboweled swarthy Turk,
committing a double murder with one
cut of his cabre, and calmly stand by and
see a house full of innocent Armenians
locked up, the house saturated with oil
and fired, then my teachings did not stop
with you. but have been extended to the
whole German nation.
“I confess my Satanic, soul grew sick,
and there and then I knew the pupil had
become the master. I am a hack num
ber, and, my dear Wilhelm. I abdicate in
your favor. The great key of hell will
be turned over to you. The gavel that
has struck the doom of damned souls
since time began, is yours. I am satis
fied with what I have done; that my ab
dication in your favor is for the very best
interests of hell—in the future I am at
your majesty’s service.
"LUCIFER 11. SATAN."
ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE.
Different lands have different ways
peculiar has been brought to light by
the World Outlook Magazine, which
blames the result upon pupils of the
Methodist Birls’ School atKuala Lum
of speaking English. One of the most
per, Malaysia. Here are a few sen
tences from a school examination:
When the form of a verb is changed
it. is called congregation.
The prime meridian is 'called the
eternal date line.
Gibraltar is the keynote in the Med
iterranean.
The finest wheat that ever cropped
grows in Russia.
The masculine of spinser is bore.
A wife in the upset (opposite) of the
husband.
The place was taken by storm and
thunder.
The cat was thin and pale.
Gibraltar is knewn as the keyhole of
England.
St. Helena Is a place where Napoleon
had been diminished.
The Barbarian Etates are Morocco,
Algiers, Tripili and Turnips.
Queen Victoria reigned sixty years.
She was the longest sovereign that
ever ruled in England.
A -frog is a bug with four legs. It
stands up in front and sits down be
hind.
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