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PAUDLG YOt’R OWW CANOE. BY MBS. BABAH T. DOLTON. Vovaprr upon lifu’a c, To yourself be true, And whatever your lot may be, Paddle vour own canoe. Never, though tlio wind may rave, Falter nor look back, But upon the darkest wave Leave a single track. Nobly dare the wildest storm, Stem the hardest gale, Crave of heart and strong of arm, You would never fail. When the world is cold and dark, Keep au aim in view, And forward the beacon mark, Paddle your own canoo. Every wave that bears you on To"the silent shore, From its stormy source has gone To return no more. Then let not an hours dely, Cheat you of your due, But, while it is called to-day, Paddle your owu canoo. ’ . If vour birth denied you woalth. Lofty state and powor. Honest fame and hardy health, Are a bettor dower; But if these will not suffice, Golden gain pursue. And to win the glittering prize, Faddle your owu cauoo. Would you wrest the wreath of Fame From’ the hand of fate : Would you writ© a deathless name With the good and great; Would you bless yrnir fellow men, Heart and soul imbue With the holy task, and then Paddle your own canoe. Nothing is lightly won, Nothing won is lost— Every good deed, nobly done, Will repay the cost. Leave to heaven in humble trust, All you will to do; But, if vou succeed, you must ' J Paddle your own canoe. HE LOST HIS WIFE; 08, TUB STORY OF A TIMID MAN. ‘‘Married ?” said Peter Tremor. No. I never shall be now ! Fate is ngai ust it. I was meant for a married man. I know it. Nature intended me to be the posses sor of a wife, but, unfortunately, nature made me also the most timid man in the universe; and I could never screw my courage up to a sticking point ami pop the question. One after another of the objects of my admiration married some one else— Borne one with pluck sufficient to say “will you have mo?” plump and plain, withont knowing for certain that the answer would be “yes.” If I could have reversed the order of things, and so contrived that I should only have had to give consent by silence and blushes, I should not be a bachelor to-day. O, dear, no I—more probably a grand father. But you see girls are shy and skittish, and won’t come to tho point, and the bewildering way they bavo of neyer letting yon know whether they like you or not, is awful to a timid bachelor. Ho Kitty Greene, the brunette whom I adored at eighteen, and Jessie Brown was roy idol at twenty, and Bose and Eva and Helen and Josephine, and Jane Eliza Tiffany, the daughter ol a dry goods raer cham in Boston, and little widow Black, with whom 1 boarded, ououml all, torn ■' k me for braver rivals, and at forty I was a bachelor no braver than before. Just then my great uncle, Bobbins, took a final leave of this sublunary sphere, and bequeathed me a legacy—something rath er handsome —enough, in fact, to make me quite a catch for any girl. I tat it be known, and waited, but no oStirs of marriage came. One or two la dies seemed more than usually amiable— smiles greeted my approach, and I was in vited ont to tea to such a degree that I ruined my digestion with pound-cake and mnffins, preserves and strong cup* of that herb which cheers but not inebriatoß, still nobody said “will yon be mine ?” and re ally I found it impossible to say it myself to anybody. But, at last, one Christmas eve, at the Stokers, there dawned upon my vision a young lsdy by the name of Bobkins—a glorious creature, all carls, and lace, and large eyes and red checks, and fine bust and beauty generally. This most lovely creatnre I felt was in tended by my lucky stars for Mrs. Trem or, and I vowed to win her, were it pos sible. It was a bold venture. Firstly, her own loveliness awed me; then she had a stout papa in a brown wig, and a portly mamma with roses in h£r cap, who stared me ont of countenance, and a big brother, full of fire and fury, who was known to t carry revolvers at his waist, and an ador er—my rival—who had a black moustache and an uncomfortable habit of declaring that be would make minco-meat out of any one who stood in his way. Nevertheless, I braved them all and courted Amanda Bobbins. I had heard her mamma say to our hos tess: “How much a year is it ?” and pre sumed the question about my fortune. That in itself was enconraging, also, the fact when I called Amanda received me, and mamma was generally engaged in the kitchen. The rival scowled and strutted and made fearful allusions to mince-meat. Bnt I defied him. Never in all my life had I been so brave. One day I invited Amanda to take some ice-cream in a shady and romontic spot, and there, as I fondly fancied, decided my fate. I began after tho third saucer had disappeared. “Miss Bobkins, I—ahem V— “Well, Mr. Tremor?” “Perhaps yon hnveA ll6Bßo^ —” “O, Mr. Tremor-' 4 “May I vent*"® —” “Spare ng Washes. Mr. Tremor.” ,-‘To hof fe “” “Q Jon know—you must know ! I have b-g ah !” “Angel r. A sound like the uncorking of soda water. “Somebody will see you, Mr. Tremor.” So it was settled. We are engaged. Amanda Bobkins was mine. The day was set at last. I was to be a married man. I let all the world know it. I defied my ri ,va! of the black monstche, who circulated y a base report that Amanda was about to ? (Sctltaljcfs Infiepenbent. VOL. 111. marry for gold, and lie was as happy ns a king. Bo the days rolled on to my wedding day. On the twontioth of August wo were to be united, at the ehurch, by the Rev. Silas Gouplefork. The world was too small for mo ; I walked on thorns. Wo were to be married on Sunday. On Sat urday I wont out to walk—Saturday even ing about flvo o’clock—my evil genius prompted mo. It was a damp cloud}’ evening; a gentleman of forty was much more likely to escape a cold by staying at home and retiring early. Nevertheless, I walked through the village, out of it, down to the river side, and along it. At last I stood beside a low brick wall, and beyond it was an orchard of ripo apples. It was years since I had robbed an tipplo tree. I was ripe for sport that night. “Lot me, said I, livo my youth over again—for one brief hour,’’ and mounted the wall, I leaped over it, and began to climb the most tempting of the trees which presented itself. I had ascended half way, when, horror or horrors! a fciuiful growl burst upon my ears, and glancing downwards, I perceived the most ferocious of all watch dogs mak ing its way towards me, his eyes rolling— a dog ready to tear me in pieces if he could get at mo. I put as many branches between us ax possible, and sat upon tho branch looking j down. The giant who sang: “Foe fy fo I fum ! I smell tho blood of an Englishman 1 Bead or alive, I must havo some I” etc., etc., surely never manifested his desire* more plainly by words than did that dog j by hiß tongue and eyes. Onoo within his i jaws, nothing remained to Amanda Bob kins of her faithful Tremor but his but tons. There sat tho dog watching mo— there perched I precariously among slen- j der branches. The sun went down, twilight began to j gather over the scene, and my heart went j down with the sun. Would no one oomo ? j I yelled for help. There was no answer j but the dog’s bark. Twilight faded ; the J evening came on. The moon rose. By j its light I saw my enemy betake himself j to a pan of meat hard by. Taking advan- j tage of this, I prepared to descend, bnt my guardian was aroused at onco, and I retreated. I called for aid once more. Not an answer. So hour after hour passed od, and night — midnight, 1 counted tho hours by the church clock which struck regularly, but j no one came to help me, T listened in the i hope, that my jailor would sleep, hut ho ; growled continually. I was hungry, but I hunger I could in no measure appease, with apples. Frightfully sleepy, yet; dared not close my eyes lest I should top- i pie down into the laws of the watch-dog. Here was a situation I Moreover, there j came on towards dawn a dreary, drizzling, i rain, which soaked mo to the skin. Never did human beings so rejoice ftt, the approach of daylight as did I. Of course, with the sun the proprietor of tho orchard would awake, call off his dog, and let me free. So I fondly believed. Alas ! tho shatters of tho farm house remained closed ; no smoke arose from the chim ney ;it appeared deserted. Moreover, a glance at the quantity of food placed in the dog’s dish near the tree made mo fear that the inhabitants were absent. The fear was made a certainty in a very short time. .last as the bells were ringing'good chil dren to Sunday School, a man looked over the wall from the road. I hailed him glee fully. “Friend I” “Lor 1” ejaculated tho rustic. “Swan tu man, ef yon ain't up thar in tho tree I Comes o’ stealing I" I could not deny that, but pleaded hum- j bly: My friend, I have been hero all night— j will you do me the favor of calling this j dog’s master to call him off. I will pay 1 him well for any amount of damage I hnvo done to his tree? “Couldn’t do it,” said the man. I implore you. “Taint possible. You sea old man Brown that owns him, alien? goes to his darter’s on Saturday afternoons, and stays : until Sunday night. lb's darter lives at j Waterbridge, and that’s five miles from Ferry, and Berry’s three miles from this here. Hev to sty till ho comes hum, I reckon. ” Until to-night ? “Wall, I reckon. Nobody can’t touch that dorg—he’d chew ’em up.” But I have a particular appointment at tc this morning. “That’s a baa job. Only at your age you’d ortn thunk of that. Didn’t yon sec ‘Beware of the dorg !’ ” No. “Here it is black and white ontsido." Will you toll me tho time, sir ? “Half-past eight, time for me to git. ef I’m going to meeting.” But what shall I do ? “Well, ef you don’t mind riskin’ tho dorg. But I would advise ye to--” Gracious goodness! I gasped, I’m to be married at ton this moruing. I must he at I’ettiborne land by that time. I’ll pay any sum to a messenger to go to Mr. Wliat’s-his-name for me, and bring him— any sum. “Twouldn’t be no use,” said my com panion ; “yon see, ’twould take ’era till twelve to get there, and the old man Brown wouldn’t come. He’s sot in ways, j Friends generally is. Good by. ” Away he went, but others came. Boys, j QUITMAN, GrA., FRIDAY, AUGUST 18, 1875. girls, woman and mou. AU told tho same talc of tho dog’s ferocity. All spoke feel ingly of my want of honesty, and recom mended mo not to trust myself within tho reach of the savage beast, who growled and barked continually. A maiden lady came, aud left somo tracks on tho wtdi en titled “The Sabbath Breaker’s End." Tho miuiutcr stopped and talked to mo of depravity and suddeu judgement, with au admiring audience of elderly females, who chorused, “to bo snro” and "now dn hoar him and worst of all, my wedding hour passed. I felt, as it departed, that it uevor would return again. Another hour pasßed on ; an hour of spooohleas misery. The dog relaxing his vigilance was attracted by a cat, to a re mote corner of the orchard. Now 12:10 was my time, I scrambled to the ground, tearing my garments in many places, aud began a wild race for liberty. A savage growl warned me that my pursuer was on my track ; I strained every nerve, reached tho wall, and throw myself upon it, his jaws closed with a savago snap, within an inch of my hoebj. I rolled off oii tlio outer side panting and breathless. Recovering I hurried to tho church. It was deserted by nil snvo tho soxton. In answer to my inquiry he informed me that the wedding lmd taken place an hour before, and the bridal party had departed. Wildly I demanded to seo tlio register. Tho writing was scarcely dry which re corded the names of Amanda Bobbins and Marmaduko Topps, my hated rival with tho fierce moustaeho. In the midst of their indignation, at my supposed heart less desertion, ho had stepped forward and offered to fill my place. Ho was accepted. I was crushed. I sought my lodging and wrote a note of ex planation to my lost Amanda. It was re turned to mu unopened, enclosed in a note from the big brother, intimating that any further attempts of mine to oommunicato with Mrs. Topps, either by letter or other wise, would result in my receiving a se vere castigation. 1 have never seen hor sineo. I shall never bo monied now ; fate is against mo. — Extraordinary Markmanship. [From the Richmond Whig.] An elderly man named Beckwith, resid ing in one of tlio peninsula counties, canio to this city last Thun,day on business, lie brought with him an old-fashioned flint rock rifle to have n stock and lock put on. On tb nears he fell into a conversation with a party of three gentlemen from this city, when one of them to tost the reality of sonic of the extraordinary fonts of the markmanship he boasted of, offered him ■t:I0 to repeat some of them, which the other two added f‘s between them. The t rial came off in au old field half a mile be low Rockets, and was witnessed by about a dozen persons. Trie old flint-rock war. fired seven times, and only one missed its aim. Tlio old gen tleman, after making two shots at small objects to one side, to get his hand steady, as he said, handed his son a potato, ami stationed him at fifty yards distance, hold ing tho potato between his thumb and forefinger, The rifle cracked and tho po tato fell cloven in three or four pieces. One of the largest pieces was thrown into the air, the marksman keeping tho same distance, and again tho shot told. An inch and a half augur was then procured, and a hole bored in tho fence, behind which was fastened a pieeo of whito pa per. At the distance of sixty yards the marksman sont a bull clear through the ap erture, piercing tho paper. At tho fourth shot, from sixty yards distance, the bowl of a pipe, which tho son was smoking, was crushed. At tho fifth shot a popper cent was thrown into the air and hit. Tho sixth and seventh shots were delivered at N blackened flve-cent nick to piece thrown up by tho son, standing about thirty yards. At the first attempt the shot missed. The old gentleman showed Considerable mortification, and laid the blame upon a bystander, who at the critical moment, sneered loudly. The next attempt, how ever, was an entire succ'-ss. The old man declined any further trials of his skill, and when offered a sum of money to repeat his first feat of shooting a potato from his son’s hand, he refused, saying he didn’t care to try such experiments unless his weapon was freshly cleaned. The exhibit tion was the most remarkable from the fact that the marksman was an old man, at least fifty. His eye however is a.clear, bright gray. His appearance is that of a poor farmer. The young man showed not the least tremor or anxiety during the dan gerous experiment upon fiimself. The old old man, referring to his son, said—“ Bob can shoot as well as lean.” The Highest Bridge in the Wora.n. Tho highest bridge in the world will bo built at the crossingof the Kentucky river, on the Cincinnati Southern Bailway, near tho Shaker ferry. The Baltimore Bridgo Company, ono of the most noted in tho United States, has secured tho contract. The bridge will consist of an iron deck truss of three spans of 375 feet each, cen tre to centre, supported by two piers and two abutments. Tho piers will he built of masonry to a height of 74 feet and 6 inches above low-water mark, and the additional distance below low-water mark will soon be determined by borings under control of tho resident engineer. These piers will bo 120 feet long end to end of cut water, and 85 wido on the top, built hollow, with the walls 21 feet from the end, Upon the masonry will rest the iron trestle work. The grade lino is 275 feet 6 inches above low water. Tho abutments will be built upon the cliffs on each side of tho river, and are to bo 48 feet high,,depending upon t)ieshspe of tho ledge# of rock. When this structure is completed Kentuck ians can well with pride to tho highest bridgo upon this continent.— DanviUe, (Ky.) Advocate. Inflation sentiment seems to be spread ing among the Democracy of Indiana. The Indianapolis Sentinel has boon turned around, and is henceforth to be an inflation journal. As it is tho leading Democratic organ of the State, tho change is significant. THE MILLEDGEVTLLE SCARE. \Vn. It nn KCArtlki,inks 1. -A Selrntllir View of the Phenomenon, W. G. McAdoo, of Milledgovillo, in a letter to the Macon Telegraph, dated July 29th, says, in reference to the supposed earthquake: "After tho storm of rain and wind which occurred about the middle of the afternoon of yesterday, (not before as your account snys), about six o'clock, p. m., tho phe nomenon ooouned. This consisted of a rumbling, or as most persons dcseribo it, a hissing sound, then a tremendous explo sion accompanied, or rather followed im mediately by such a concussion as led many persons to suppose it at. once to bo an earthquake. Tho account, in your pa per that “tho people were terribly fright ened and all ran out of their houses’’ in a great mistake. The daugor, if any had existed, was past before the people had time to run out of their houses. The whole thing, the sounds and tho eoiieus rion, did not occupy more than a second of accurately measured time. Wo hear this morning that the phonamonon was ob served ns much ns four or livo miles to the east, the south and tho w est of our city ; and we also find that different observers in the country and city received widely varying impressions in reference to the ilirniion whence the sounds came, the ma jority locating them in tho south or south west. The general impression created ill tho country and iu the city was that tho phenomenon was an earthquake. “Wo are inclined to think this impres sion erroneous. Tho facts us observed support much more strongly tho theory that the fall of a bolide or meteoric body to tho earth, gave rise to their phenomena. If our conjecture is right, we hope tlio do seent to tho immediate surface of the ground may bavooccurred within the ob servation of of someone, and that the me teorite may be recovered for scientific ex amination. It would be immensely valua ble to scientists, and the lucky finder or owner of it would bo snro to receive a largo compensation for supplying it to the scientific museum of somo scientist or some public institution. “Hueh meteorites have fallen and im bedded themselves a short distance in tho earth repeatedly iu recent-times, and have been recovered by scientific cabinets, where they are now preserved. Over two hun dred and fifty bodies of this sort have boon collected, the most colossal of which was obtained in Mexico by the French savant who accompanied the French army of in vasion of Mexico, in 1830. It weighs 15} cvvt. Another, in the Paris Museum, j which fell at Cailln, in tho Maritime Alps, j weighs 12j cwt. Well authenticated in- j stances of the fall of these bodies in very many and widely distant countries of the world are in existence, and as many as fourteen deaths have resulted from them, besides several conflagrations. “These bodies are now regarded ns extra terrestial in their origin ; as bodies partak ing somewhat of Lie character of the plan ets in their substance, and as being brought occasionally from the space in which they revolve to tho earth's surface by our orb's powerful gravitation. They travel with immense rapidity, are soon heated by tho friction between them and tho earth’s atmosphere, and usually ex plode one or more times on approaching very nearly the earth’s surface. “It is to be hoped that other correspon dents of your journal will eommuniehte to tho public through your Columns their ob servations of tho phenomena of yesterday afternoon that their true character may be determined—whether they resulted from an earthquake, the fall of a meteorite, or from something else.” Taking a Vote on Beecher. [From the Detroit Free Press] Asa train on the Lake Shore road was coining into Detroit the otlior day a long geared man, who had been sleeping for two or throe hours, suddenly awoke, rose up, and after a yawn and a stretch ho took his plug hat in his hand, held it ont to ono of tho passengers, antWemarked: ‘ ‘Let’s vote on Beecher. w “Oli, go to thunder,” growled tho man. Tho tall man tore five or six leaves from his memorandum book, wroto “innocent” on some anil “guilty” on the others, and started down tho aisle. “Madam,” ho said, as ho approached tho nonrestjady, “I’d like to havo you vote ono of theso tickets. Vote just ns your conscience dictates, madam.” She refused to vote, and lie dropped a ballot marked “innocent” into the hat, and passed to a man who, overcome by the lieat, had fallen asleep. “Here I you-what do you think of Becclior V” he asked, shaking the sleeper. “Durn you, sir—duru you I” roared the* mau as he sat up. “Which way do you vote ?” “G ’way from me, or I’ll masli tho top of your head down on to your collar bouo !” yelled the aroused sleeper, lifting his big red fist. The ballot-box man passed to a boy about ten years eld, mid inquired: “Bub, what do you think about Beech er ?” “I dunno," replied tho hoy : “father said he’d lick mo if I said anything about it.” A ballot of “guilty” was dropped into the hat, and the man passed down to a dreary-looking old chap, who was rolling a bit of plug tobacco under bis tongue. “Well, old friend, what do you think of Beecher ?” was the inquiry. The dreamy chap got up, tossed bis quid out of the window, and calmly took tho canvasser by the throat and jammed him over a soat and hit him twice on the chin. It was all over before anybody could interfere, and, as be resumed bis seat, ho looked back at tho canvasser, who, half stunned, was gazing around iu the greatest ustonisbment, and remarked: “I promised my dying wife I’d [lick the j next mau who said Beeelior to me, and ! now you keep.jiway.” The canvasser pushed the dents ont of j his plug hat, borrowed a pin to meild bis i coat collar, tied a wethandkerehiof around his throat, and sat down and fell into such a train of reflection that tlio peanut boy had to speak to him four times over be fore ho was aroused. Tho Freemasons of lowa are very much exercised over a recent decision of tho Grand Master that dancing in tho lodge room is inconsistent with the good of the craft. Two snl)onliuato*DtUcers have been | deprived of their positions lor acting iu ! violation of the dtca-ion. DONALDSON REPORTED ALIVE. Tho Afironimt Soon in Altforftuo, Allclilgnn Ills IHifh i>]tononnoo mg ill to Im> nn Adver tising Uwl^o. Since Washington H. Donaldson the lormiaut, and liis companion, Orimwood, mndo tlioir ascension from Chicago iu a balloon on July 15th, from which time they have not boon seen, thorn bavo boon many various rumors and conjectures regarding their probable fate. While many believe that Donaldson and hia companion are lost, there are many persons who believe that I it is all au ingeuius advertising dodge, and I that Mr. Donaldson and liis companion will make tlieir appearance again. There have been various rumors since liis disap pearance. One was that tho balloon was semi passing over Lake Michigan drag ging through tho water. Another that tlio balloon had boon Been passing over the i land in n northerly direction. Then his j body was said to have been found, but.it turned out to be the body of a Gorman sailor who had boon washed from some steamer. Another report states that abut* tie was found flouting iu Lake Michigan, containing a memorandum signed “\V. S. G." (Donaldson’scompanion), dated July 10, stating that the gas was escaping, and that they could not stay up more than an hour longer. The latest sensation oomes from Algonac, Michigan, a town on the St. Clair river, in the shape of a letter from J. H. Stan wood to a well-known professional in this city, who emphatically declares that he saw Donaldson in company with a young man j in that village last Friday. Ho was post tivo ns to Donaldson's 'identity, having frequently seen him at Ilnrnuin s Hippo dromo in Now York lust, winter. Ho snys : “Donaldson had no moustache, but the sear on his cheek rendered recognition an easy matter. Tlio mysterious disappearance and pro longed absence of Donaldson, in view of the letter received yesterday, is considered by many a revival of Donaldson’s alledged advertising trick, introduced,by him re cently in Philadelphia, where, after mak ing an ascent from that city, a false dis patch was published announcing that Don aldson’s dead body had boon found in tlio basket of his balloon near a small village iu New Jersey. This dispatch was signed “Dr. Fuller. ” Afterward au investigation developed the fact that the dispatch emi natod from Donaldson himself. A paper printed in Allentown, Pennsyl vania, tells tho following : “Two years ago Washington 11. Donaldson resided in this city for several months, and made several ascensions from Central square. While bore bo told Mr. Kramer, at whose hotel he boarded, that a notion had entered his head which would realize him a pile of money if carried out. It was this : Ho would make an ascension, if a favorable opportunity offered, accompanied by a ready writer, who was to take notes while in the air of the experience they met with ns it appeared to him (Donaldson). E’er this purposo they would ascend to nn un usual altitude, and remain np as long as possible. After having gained tho desired knowledge of serial travel, they would de scend at a place where they were not likely to bo soon, and repair to somo quiet and undisturbed nook, and then tho ready writer was to enlarge on his notes, which would bo printed in hook form and distrib uted to tho world. GHOSTS. The Currency Myntery Solved —\ delferwiii County liurki j' Lvlm Out the Secret, All nowapaper readers in this State can not fail to remember the startling” and un accountable manifestations which occnrnd at Surrency, on the Macon and Brunswick railroad, a year or two since, and was at tributed to tho agency of spirits. Tho house of Mr. Surrency was turned into a perfect pandemonium for tho timo being. Crockory from unseen Bourceß would fall into tho middle of rooms, brick-bats would crash flown, and billets of wood bo hurled in at windows, seemingly without any hu man agency. The wonderful occurrences, however, finally slopped, and after a while lived only iu tho remembrance of t.liose who had witnessed and hoard of them. Sometime since similar manifestations bfgan in tlio family of a very estimable lady, Mrs. Itussol Johnson, of Bartow, on the line of the Central railroad. Tho crockory, brick-bats, and other portable and small articles rained about tho house In tho most astonishing manner, causing no little terror to tho inmates. Ilowevor, Mr. John A. McMillan, a son-in-law of Mrs. Johnsorr, not being frightened entire ly out of liis wits, noted the similarity of the manifestations to those at Surrency, and finally remembered that they had em ployed in tho family as a servant at tho time, a colored girl who had also been in tho employ of Mr. Surrency at tlio timo those strange freaks of the unseen agency took place in his house. Thinking that the two must certainly havo some connec tion with each other, a strict watch was kept upon this girl, and she was finally detected in the act of taking a brick from a concealed position abont her person and hurling it into the middle of the room. Here, then, was tlio secret. Hlio was immediately apprehended, and, under fear j of being dealt with by law, confessed that she was the author of all the mischief. Sbo was, of course, discharged. What lias been her motive for all these actions is, perhaps, looked in an impenetrable mys tery, but it will boa relief to many to know tlio truth of these singular things which so puzzled tho brains of the good people of Surrency a year or two since.— Warrenlon Clipper. *■ A caso of mistaken identity took place as the cars left the Newark depot. A pretty girl, with her handkerchief up to her eyes, had seen her lover neat himself in tlio last seat of a car, but while she was bathed in tears, she did not see that tho train had backed, and a different car stood in front of her ; but presently she looked up and with a sweet smile said “good-bye darling” to an astonished and bashful young man who was sitting there, in the [dace where tho other fellow should have been. <♦■ The penally of the law against profane swearing—s 2 fine—was enforced in Ivieh moml twice on Haturday, and tho Whig thinks that if every policeman and consta ble in the State would use ordinary vigi lance, in the course of a year or two a sufficient sum could thus he realized to pay off the State debt. Timely Topics. There is no news from the Keoly motor. A priest has been captured and carried off by eight brigands in Sicily. England maintains all army of 200,000 men in ludia, of whom 128,447 arc natives and 00,613 British, exclusive of olffoors. At a trial match of sausage-making ma chines in Cincinnati ouo of them looped of! the hand of its exhibitor. It took tho palm. A woman 60 years old wns recently con victed of murder In the Middle Circuit in | England for killing hor husband, aged 90. A Mr. Lockwood lms patented in Eu rope a process of condensing boor, by means of which it may bo transported to hot climates. Tho officers of tho Patent Office believe Koely’s motor to be a humbug. No ap plication for a patent has boon made, nor a caveat issued. Tlio gentle citizens of Do Soto, Mo., have passed resolutions declaring that they will hereafter hang every horse thief they can lay their hands on. A doctor’s wife tried to move him by tears. “Ah,” said he, “tears aro useless ; I have analyzed thorn. They contain a lit tle phosphate of lime, some ohlorido of so dium, and water. fifeoaml £]. Ki. lOmilfli ia UOIV 1.11:111 oellor of the Stale University of Tennes see, but thinks of leaving to become Pro fessor of Natural History in tlio university of tho South at Sownnee. A young man in Lancaster, Pa., sent a dollar to a firm in New York who adver tised a receipt to prevent bad dreams. He received a small slip of paper on which ivas printed, “Don’t go to sleep.” As convincing proofs that the grasshop pers road tho papers, it is said that they have this season entirely avoided a certain country which was mentioned last year as raising tho poorest quality of wheat in Kansas. In tho recent competition for the paint ing of tho curtain of the Dresden theatre, tlio successful candidate was Prof. Fordi nand Keller, of Garlsruhe, whose early life was passed amid tho magnificent scenery of the river Amazon, where lie gained an intimate knowledge of tropical nature now richly displayed in liis paintings. New London is tho first to make a be ginning for the suppression of tho tramp business. Mayor Waller of that city hav ing issued a proclamation calling public attention to the now law, a tramp was ar rested Thursday night, and on his person were found a long dirk, a hoavily loaded "hilly,” and two razors. A pleasant cus tomer to havo prowling about. Some interesting facts have been given relating to the Foabody fund for the poor in London, which shows tho advancement of that institution. Some $2,000,000 has been spent, and nearly #3,000,000 is still left in tho treasury. A large number of tho tonemont bouses havo been erected in tho different towns which will aooomodute about 1,400 poor families. The Connecticut Legislature voted S2OO to the Hartford Post as compensation for a series of biographical sketches of the Senators and Representatives, published by that journal on tho first day of tho ses sion. On the ground that the Legislature had no morni or legal right to nso the money for such purpose, tho Post an nounces that it will not accept the grant. An uncommon mortuary ooremony was that held at tho grave of Marietta Ball, at St. Albans, Vt., on tlio first anniversary of lior murder. A sermon was preached, hymns wore sung, and tho cemetery was hung with black. Two hundred persons were present. Miss Ball was killed by a brutal assailant, who has not boon discov ered, although a society formed for tho purpose has labored hard to detect him. At the Liverpool Court of rassago lately aservent claimed damages for libel against a former mistress for stating, in answer to an inquiry abont the servant’s character, that “she was neither strictly honest nor strictly sober.” It was urged iu defence that this was a privileged communication, Iho portion in it compluined of being a spe cific answer to a specific question with reference to tho charater of a domestic servant. The court so hold, and non-suited the plaintiff. Recently the foreign embassy sought the assistance of the English police to find a young girl who had just become the heiress of many millions. The instructions wore vaguo, and tho task was nocosßurily given to ono of the keenest detectives. At tho cml of six weeks tho detective report ed at headquarters and handed in his res ignation. “Well,” said tho chief, “mid wliat about tho young girt?” “I found bov about a month ago in a dressmaker’s shop,” was tho answer. “And what then ?” “I married her yesterday, and this morn ing I have just received her six millions. A haudsorno Arabic bible, bound in rod velvet aud gold, was presented to tho Sul tan of Zanzibar, while iu London, by tho Earl of Shaftesbury, who besought him to circulate the Christian Scriptures through out his dominions. The Sultan said that ho know perfectly well what the Scriptures were, mid that ho reoognizod the hook tho moment ho opened it, having had one pre viously in Zanzibar. Ho added, “Tho words of Jesus—upon whom lie peace— [ are always acceptable to us. Tlio Koran ! mentions the Bible and the New Testa | merit, and we only wish that all people i would walk according thereto.” Humorous. A smart thing—a mustard plaster. How to become puffed up—swallow a pint ot yeast, Academy of Design—a young lady’s boarding sohoo!. With most men life is back-gammon, half skill and half luck. If you will take away tho “i" from noise, you will have a noso left. Most people aro like egga—too full of themselves to hold anything else. Epitaph.—-" Here lies W. W. who never more will trouble yon, trouble you. What portions of the body aro the beet (revolvers tho two wrists. Stale Centra Enterprise, lowct. Sprinkling carts make white pantaloons shrink towards tho inner side of the walk. —Danbury 2V ews. Why does a duck go under water f For diver's reasons. Whydoea she goon land ? For sun-dry reasons. “I wonder what makes my eyes so weak," said a fop to a gentleman. "They ate (n a weak plane, ’’ responded tho latter. When a man has a business tTiat don’t pay, ho usually begins to look around for a partner to share his losses with him. Why ia a church bell moro affable than a church organ ? Because ouo will go when it is tolled, but tho othor will be “Mowed” first.— Cobletkill Index. “Wliat did you hang that cat for, Mane ?” asked tho schoolmarm. The boy looked up, and, with a grave look, answered: “For mewtiny, marm 1" It is singular that mineral waters aro only beneficial to tho wealthy. We never knew a physician to adviso a poor man to go to any watering place. NO. 15. A lazy fellow falling a distance of fifty feet, and escaping with only a few scratch es, a bystander remarked that he was “too lazy to fall fast enough to hurt him self.” Would you like to raise tho ire of an editor? Just send him a long communi cation written on both sides of the paper, in a bad hand. It is sure to do it. Try it sceptic. “An aero and a half of potatoes and six teenbushels of buas.” i° *ho a runner In Highland county put it down on tho assessor’s blank.— Hose Cos. (O.) Register. Somebody has calculated that three million words were used by the parties fn the Beecher-Tilton trial. And yet they produced no aentenoe. — Cincinnati En quirer. “Our insido contains to-day,” says a country editor. “Dyspepsia,’ ‘Cooked Whiskey,’ •A Chinosoßestaurant,' and va rious othor interesting articles.’’— Oswego Times. v . A westi ru editor insists that he wrote the word "trousseau" as plain no pikestaff in connection with certain bridal presents. The priutcr, however, vulgarly put it “trousers." A subscriber writes to an editor in tho West: “I don’t want your paper any longer.” To which tho editor replies, “I would not make it any longer oven if yon did ; its present length suits me.” Housemaid (just engaged)—“l should like to ho shown my room, ma’am." Lady of the house (startled) —“Oh, if yon like ; you'll find it a comfortable.”—Housemaid —“I should like to know if i’ts large enough for my piano.,” A Maine girl left her clothing in nn open boat aud hid horself, aud when her parents were crying and saying if tlioy only hod her back they would obey her slightest wish, she appeared and said she wanted to marry George. The editor of tho Taunton Gazette has been eating’em, for he says: “Thecomely cucumber cometh, conveying countless cases of cholera nnd colic, causing cheer ful comments on the part of the compoun der of ourious but comforting coidials. Give a boy a market-basket of gro ceries to carry homo aud he will swing it across his spine, bend holf way to tho ground nnd groan with agony, but give him that weight of baseball bats and be will skip along as merry as a potato-bug in a ten-acre lot. When wo rend in an exohnugo that an editor has just “received from Europe the sorrowful intelligence of tho death of the aged mother of his brother-in-law,” the fraternal feeling of the editorial bosom goes ont to that man in a gush of deep sympathy. A certain voung gentleman of Evanston, Ind., recently accompanied a young lady to a train to soo her safely started on hex journey. He earned her railroad ticket in his pocket for safety, and found it there, when lie reached homo, hours after the train left. At a spiritual oamp mooting held at Du buque, lowa, last week, a raodiumistio re sponse to tho question, “How long is it going to rain ?” was: “The clouds keep pouring out water ; nnd so long as tho clouds keep pouring out wnterit will rain.” Ami they know all about it. “How aro you, count ?” said a noted wag to a spruce looking specimen of the genus snob. “Sir I” exclaimed the indig nant swell, “who are you and why do you call me count ?” “Why, I saw you count ing oysters, last week, and I supposed you were of royal blood.” Bnob vamosed. A good double pun bus been made by a clergyman. He had just united in mar riage a couple whoso ebristiun names were respectively Benjamin anil Ann. “How (lid tlioy appear during the cere mony ?” inquired a friend. “They ap peared both Annie-muted and Bonnio-flt ted,” was tho reply, It is said that the treasurer of a base ball blub Ims absoouded with a largo sum of money. If that be so, it must bo con sidered a basonotion, which will doubtless cause a bowl among tho members. Per haps the absconder will attempt to make a homo run. If his victims ondeuvor to catch him on the fly, will it bo considered foul. An elderly gentleman, returning homo from church began to extol tho merits of tho sermon to his son. Said he: “Jack, 1 have heard ono of tho most delightful sermons over delivered before a Christian society, it carried mo to tho gato of heaven.” “Why didn’t you dodge in?” replied Jack ; “you will never havo another such a chance.” A lumberman, being but poorly pro vided with materials of sustenance for his men, fed thorn with pork cocked with the rind upon it. A young man of tho com pany, not liking that outer portion of the food, was observed by the host to bo care fully removing tho outside covering. Whereupon uiino host snid: “Young man, wo cat nnd and all hero. ” To which tho youth replied, “All right, old maD, I’m cutting it off for you.” Tho following were a few of the maxima of that king of printers, Benjamin Frank lin: Trade is the mother of money; bo beforehand with your business; spend and bo free, but mono no waste ; prayer nnd provender hinder no journey ; credit is like a looking-glass, easily broken ; he who looks not before, finds himself behind ; keep thy office and they office will keep thee ; they can never thrive who spend their time in beer-houses, and in gaming houses ; God helps them who help them self?*.