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THE 1IERRY SIDE OF LIFE,
STORiES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
funny MEN OF THE PRESS.
Lucky Birrtg_He Wasn’t Equal to the Oc
casion—The Modern Youth—Merely a
Gue88_Tlie Difference—In South Af
rica—Heady to Quit, Etc., Etc.
Full many a bird with plumes of brilliant
hue
TVas hatched to waste its songs on desert
Ah, lucky air;
warbler, if it only knew
luere are no women’s hats to trim out
there.
—Washington Star.
Wasn’t Equal to the Occasion.
Rose—“Bid you ever faint, Isabel?”
Isabel—“Only bead once; and I bumped tried it
my so hard that I never
again.”—Indianapolis Journal.
The Modern Youth.
“I started at the bottom and climbed
up,” said the old gentleman.
“But it’s much pleasanter toboggan-•
ing,” returned the spendthrift son.—
Chicago Post.
Merely a Guess.
Man at the Fish Market—“The
mackerel are running very small this
season, ma’am.”
Young Housekeeper—-“I suppose
it’s on account of the dry weather.”—
Life.
The Difference.
“Detectives in real life are not a
bit like the story-book detectives.”
“That’s sp,” said the man who
hasn’t any savoir faire whatever; “the
story-book detective invariably catches
his man sooner or later.”
In South Africa.
First Kaffir—“Say, what’s your
hurry?”
Second Kaffir—“Don’t stop me!
I’m the special correspondent of the
New York Hustler and I have a batch
of startling rumors from the front.”—
Puck.
Ready to Quit.
First Office Boy—“I call my boss
‘Gridley. > >>
Second Office Boy—“Why is that?”
First Office Boy—“Because he may
fre when he is ready!”—Puck.
IB jagi ik **f,
K
i
m lili ire?'!
mmzmM mmm
Jfl 'OMMoes MSI ■4 m
Sr-1 £ >"
1 ; % mm
Sts
Mrs. Dooley—“A pound av tay, if
ye plaze.”
Grocer—“What kind?”
Mrs. Dooley—“Oi’ll take a pound
av the iced tay Oi hear about. ”—Judge,
A Coming Sensation.
Deacon Saintly (to wife, as congre¬
gation assembles)—“Where is Mrs.
Faskuns this morning? She is usu¬
ally among the early comers.”
Mrs. Saintly—“She will be late to¬
day. I saw her buying a new hat
last week.”—Baltimore American.
In an Irish Police Court.
. “Are you married?” asked a magis¬
trate in the Dublin police court of a
man charged with committing an as¬
sault on another man.
“No, your dock. worship,” replied the
man in the
“That’s a good thing for your wife,”
said the magistrate.—The Green Bag.
Avoiding Trouble'With the jailor.
Dashaway—“Now, if I order any
clothes from you I want to be sure be¬
forehand that you won’t dun me. I
■want it understood. Can you suggest
any way to avoid this. ”
Tailor—“Well, you might pay me a
deposit now, delivered.”—Detroit and the rest when the
clothes are Free
Press.
At His Word.
Customer—“You sell cracked egg&
at half price do you not?”
Clerk—“Yes’m; we always make a
fifty per cent, reduction on cracked
goods. Anything else to-day?”
Customer—“Yes, you may give me a
dollar’s worth of cracked wheat. Here’s
fifty cents.”—Columbus (Ohio) State
Journal.
Another Sherlock Holmes.
“It, was a clever job,’’said the chief.
“How did you spot him through this
woman’s disguise?”
“I happened to see him sit down,”
replied the deteetive, “and noticed he
gave his rainy-day skirt a little twitch
with both hands, as if to keen it from
bagging at the knees. Then I nabbed
him.”—Chicago Tribune.
Reconciled to the Inevitable.
“An operation for appendicitis,” the
snrgeou assured the sufferer, “is rather
a serious thing, of course, bftt it is
necessarily an alarming one, and it
will demonstrate, moreover, just how
much fortitude you have.”
“Yes,” replied the patient. “I sup¬
pose it will show just what’s in mo.
Go ahead.”—Chicago Tribune.
Edge ley's Wonderful Well.
For many years Edgeley, N. D., has
boasted of one of the finest flowing ar¬
tesian wells in the State. The water
comes gushing out with high pressure
In a stream as large as a man’s arm.
The well is 1,370 feet deep, and the
tvater is too saline for domestic use.
A beautiful lake has been made at a
small cost, which in the winter time
furnishes a splendid skating rink for
the young people The water has been
placed under control, and is piped
through the streets, affording a sys¬
tem of waterworks, the most cheaply
of any town in the country.
For many years it has been known
that .the water was mixed with gas,
but no effort was made to separate the
two unffl last fall. C. J. Sturgeon, a
druggist, has at last succeeded in ac¬
complishing this after many experi¬
ments, and now secures gas for light¬
ing and heating purposes in his store
and residence. The separation of the
gas is to be accomplished on a larger
scale, and the streets and residences
are to be lighted and the business
houses all heated at a minimum cost,
from the same source that furnishes
the town a free waterworks system.
The well is on the experimental farm,
under control of the State Agricultur¬
al College.
A number of the larger farms in the
State are equipped with such wells,
and in the future their farm houses
may be lighted and heated at the cost
of putting in gas pipes.—St Paul Pio¬
neer Press.
Best Snakes Come From India.
Snakes and birds form a large part
of the -animal importer’s business.
These creatures come in great numbers
from India, Africa and South Amer¬
ica. The public is peculiarly fascinated
by snakes, and they are among the
most popular creatures exhibited. The
best specimens of reptiles come from
India, and a snake twenty feet or more
in length is worth considerable money.
In a cage it is the 6ize of the snake
more than its venomous qualities that
attract, and a large boa constrictor or
python is worth more than a rattle¬
snake of smaller size.
New Cable Lines.
France Is absolutely dependent upon Eng¬
land for news of the Transvaal war, because
the cables are under her control, and she is
ready to spend a vast sum of money to free
herself. This is like many people, who, alter
allowing fortune dyspepsia to settle upon them, spend
a and seeking deliverance. Save your
money the try Hostetter’s Stomach Bitters,
medicine which never fails to cure dys¬
pepsia, constipation, biliousness, malaria,
fever and ague.
A Man of Breeding.
She—You are the most exasperating man
C n earth. Here I scold you for half an hour,
cS nd you won’t answer. Why don’t you talk?
He—l never use strong language in the
presence of a lady.—Indianapolis Journal.
Pcn’t Tobacco Spit and Smoke Your Life Away.
To quit tobacco easily and forever, be mag¬
netic, full of life, nerve and vigor, take No-To
Bac, the wonder-worker, that makes weak men
strong. All druggists, 50c or $1. Cure guaran¬
teed. . Booklet and sample free. Address
Sterling Remedy Co., Chicago or New York.
Wasted.
is “Don’tkeep can’t tellin’ po’ folks how sorry “bey vou
has you much help trouble ’em,” Uncle Eben.
too of der own to stop an’
sympathize wid you.”—Washington Star.
Catarrh Cannot be Cured
With local applications, as they cannot reach
the seat of the disease. Catarrh is a blood or
constitutional disease, and in order to cure
it you must take internal remedies. Hall’s
Catarrh Cure is taken internally, and acts di¬
rectly Catarrh on the blood and mucoussurface. Hall’s
Cure is nota quack medicine. It was
this prescribed by one of the best physicians in
country for years, and is a regular pre¬
scription. It is composed of the best tonics
known.combinedwith the best blood purifiers,
acting directly on the mucous surfaces. The
perfect combination of the twoingredients is
what produces such wonderful results in cur¬
ing catarrh. f; Send for testimonials, free.
J. Cheney & Co., Props., Toledo, O.
Sold _ , by Druggists,
Hall’s Family Pills price 75c.
are the best.
Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup for children
teething, softens the gums, reduces inflamma¬
tion, allays pain, cures wind colic. 25c. a bottle.
Her Definition.
He—What is a flirtation?
She—Attention without intention.—Chicago
News.
Educate Your Bowels With Cascarets.
Candy Cathartic, cure constipation forever.
Ke, 26c. 11 C. C. C. fail, druggists refund money.
Getting Up Socially.
“She Is certainly rising in the social scale.”
“Yes.”
"Oh. yes, Indeed! She is nubbed by ct bet¬
ter class of people each su deeding ye r.”—
Detroit Journal.
To Cure Constipation Forever.
Take Cascarets Candy Cathartic. 10c or 25c.
If C. C. C. fail to cure, druggistsrefund money.
Give me health and a day. and I will make
ridiculous the pomp of emperors.—Emerson.
Vitality low, debilitated or exhausted cured
by Dr. Kline’s Invigorating Tonic. Fkkk $1
trial bottle tor 2 weeks’ treatment. Dr. Kline,
Ld., 931 Arch St., Philadelpha. Founded 1871.
We have not been without Piso’s Cure for
Consumption Harrisburg, for 20 years.— Lizzie Fkurel,
Camp St., Pa.. May 4, 1894.
There is no genius in life like the genius of
energy and activity.
How Are Tour Kldneya »
In Westminster Abbey 1,173 bodies have
heeu buried.
DR.BULL’S COUGH SYRUP L i
Cures a Cough Croup or Cold at fail. once. SURE
SAFE Conquers without
Is the best for Bronchitis, Grijme, and
Hoarseness, the Whooping-Cough, of Consumption.
for cure
Mothers praise it. Doctors prescribe it.
Small doses; quick, sure results.
u. CC Cl cc O !d oo m W
RiiiisiiifssL'iiii8|6 nKYANT « STRATTON ’{ssJ:e"* (Bookkeeping
L “S" ,
8#Cost no more, than 2d class school. Catalog free
You’re
Gambling l
It’s too risky, this
gambling with your
cough. You take the
chance of its wear¬
ing The off. Don’t! thing
first
you know it will be
down deep in your
lungs and the game’s
lost. Take some of
Ayer’s toral and Cherry Pec¬ the
gambling stop the
and
cough.
“I was given up to die with
quick consumption. I ran down
from 138 to 98 pounds. expected I raised
blood, and never to get
off my bed alive. I then read of
,
Ayer’s its Cherry I commenced Pectoral and improve began
use. to
at once. I am now back to my
old weight and in the best of
health.” —Chas. E. Hartman,
Gibbstown, N. Y., March 3, 1899.
You can now get Ayer’s
Cherry Pectoral in a 25 cent
size, just right for an ordinary
cold. The 50 cent size is bet¬
ter for bronchitis, croup, whoop¬
ing-cough, asthma, ana the grip.
The dollar size is best to keep
on hand, and is most economical
for long-standing cases.
P O flavor T A S and H gives firmness color, to
all fruits. No good fruit
can be raised without
Potash.
Fertilizers containing at least
8 to 10% of Potash will give
best results on all fruits. Write
for our pamphlets, which ought
to be in every farmer’s library.
They are sent free.
GERMAN KALI WORKS,
93 Nassau St., New Vork.
/Barters ink
Just as cheap as poor ink.
BOOK AGENTS WANTED FOR
the grandest and futett-telUngbook over published,
Pulpit Echoes
Stories, Incidents, Personal Experiences.etc., as told
By 1). L. Moody
With a complete history of his life by Uev. CM AS. F.
Pastor of Mr Moody s Chicago Church for live years,
an Introduction by Uev. l.YMAN AHBOTT. I». i>.
new, fiOOpp., WANTED brautifvllytllustraied. —Men OTI.OOO more
and Women. (Cy-Sales
—a harvest time for Agents. Send for terms to
A. I». WOKT1UNGTON A CO., Hartford. Coua.
CANE vni iiv ^orators,
kettles,
ENGINES, BOILERS AND SAW MILLS,
AND REPAIRS FOR SAME.
Bristle Twine, Babbit, Saw Teeth and
Files, Shafting, Pulleys, Belting, Injectors,
Pipes, Valves and Fittings.
LOMBARD IRON IRKS & SUPPLY CO.,
AVGUSTA. GA.
Salzer’s gives Blch, Rape ^■■ss^. ' What Spelt 7.— it!
is
green food, - -
v SEEDS^
at j ^ &
8 * , ** r ’ 1 aw Wsrraattd to Produce. world" \
MihlCD Luther, K.Troy,Pa., antonlehed the 1
hr growing *430 bushels liif Four Ouu; J. Hrelder. w
gm MieMcott, Wit., 173 bus. her ley; >»dH Lorrjey, 1
HedWinit, Vinn . by crowiD* 3J0bush.8ttl»er »C"ru 1
peraerw. ir you doubt, write them. We wish tocsin
[ 100,000 new customer!, h ence w ill lend on trlsl
* 10 DOLLARS WORTH FOR lOo, IF
I 10 pkgs or rnro form seeds. Salt Bush, the 3-earod
1 Coro—Spelts, producing 80 bush, food and 4 tnue hay
B per acre—obove eats end barley. Bromus Inertias J
c. t —the fleetest grass OB. earth; SalMmr coys so / S
o S Rape, Bpriuf Wheat, kt„ Including our mam* A
. k moth Plant. Kruitand Seed Catalog, telllnfall
* L about Salter'a Great Million Dollar A £
N rotate, posit;rely alt mailed |10 for lOe. postage; A .
N_^k^ood sroeth to (etaetart. A '
i’otalooefl.COa bb!. aodup W
send t & .■puss!
adv. with i
10c. in *—-r A 1—
eyes, Vf I JHom|i*oii ? » Ey$ Wittf
f m THE BEST FIVE-cent.
SMOKING
Tobacco on Earth is
NOT in the TRUST
6 TOBACCO, TOP
<? St m. IS THE BRAND.
jr V7 Union Made!
I 8*8*8*.
R WITH
EACH
MANUFACTURED BY
BROWN BROS. CO., WINSTON, N. C.
I I
v
ECZEM i ■»
Hands and Limbs Covered with Blisters and
Great Red Blotches. Scratched Until Almost
Wild. Burned Like Fire. Sleep Impossible.
CUTICURA Remedies Bring Speedy Relief
and a Permanent Cure at a Cost of Only $2.
I was a sufferer for eight years from that most distressing of
all diseases, Eczema. I tried some of the best physicians in the
country, but they did me little
good. The palms of my hands
jgj were covered and would become
•ifA k •4* inflamed; little white blisters at
n first would appear, then they
% would peel off, leaving a red,
1 smooth surface which would burn
like fire and itch; well, there is
fP no name for it. On the inside
of the upper part of both my
limbs great red blotches, not
unlike hives, would appear, and
as soon as I became warm the
§ mjiji burning and itching would begin.
Night after night I would lie
»v W awake all nigh rt and scratch and
8 W
sa almost go wild I heard of CUTI
cura Remedies, got them and
gave them a thorough trial, and after a few applications I noticed
the redness and inflammation disappear. Before I had used
one box there was not a sign of Eczema left, I can truthfully
assert that $2 00 worth of CUTICURA Remedies cured me.
There has been no sign of its return anywhere upon rny body
since I wrote you I was cured, nearly four years ago. Hardly a
month passes but what I receive a letter or some one calls and
wishes to know how I got cured, if I had Eczema bad, and if
the cure has been permanent, etc. etc. I always take pleasure in
enlightening them the best I can.
JOHN D. PORTE, Pittsburg, March i, 1899.
Of JOHN D, Porte & Co., Real Estate and Insurance,
428 Fourth Avenue, Pittsburg, Pa.
The agonizing itching and burning of the skin, as in eczema, the frightful scaling, the
as in psoriasis; the loss of hair and crusting of the scalp, as in scalled head;
facial disfigurement, as in pimples and ringworm, the awful suffering of infants and
the anxiety of worn-out parents, as in milk crust, tetter, and salt rheum — all demand
» remedy of almost superhuman virtues to successfully cope with them- That
(utiejra
Remedies are such stands proven beyond all doubt. No statement is made regard¬
ing them that is not justified by the strongest evidence. The purity and sweetness,
the power to afford immediate relief, the certainty of speedy and permanent cure, the
absolute safety and great economy, have made them the standard skin cures and
humor remedies of the civilized world. The treatment is simple, direct, agreeable,
and economical, and is adapted to the youngest infant as well os adults of every age.
Bathe the affected parts with hot water and Cuticuba Soap to cleanse the surface
of crusts and scales, and soften the thickened cuticle. Dry, without hard rubbing,
and apply Cuticuba Ointment freely, to allay itching, irritation, and inflammation,
and soothe and heal, and lastly take Cuticura Resolvent to cool and cleanse the
blood. This sweet and wholesome treatment affords instant relief, permits rest and
sleep in the severest forms of eczema and other itching, burning, and scaly humors
of the skin, scalp, and blood, and points to a speedy, permanent, and economical
cure when all other remedies and even the best physicians fail. Cuticuba The
Set, price $1.25; or, Cuticuba Soap, 25c., Cuticuba Ointment, 50 c., Cuticura
Resolvent, 60c., sold throughout the world. " How to Cure Eczema,” free of the
Sole Props., Potter Drug and Chbm. Corf., Boston, Mass.
MILLIONS OF MOTHERS
ties, obtained from Cuticura, the greas skin cure, which preserve, purify, and beautify
the skin, scalp, and hair, and prevent simple skin blemishes from becoming serious. For
distressing heat rashes, chaflngs, inflammations, and eruptions, for crusted, itching Irrita¬
tions of the scalp, with dry, thin, it and absolutely falling hair, Indispensable. for red, rough hands, and shapeless
nails , and simple lnfantiln humors, is
Don’t Stop Tobacco Suddenly
It injure* nervous system to do so. 1 BACO
CfJIt© is the only cure that REALLY CURES
and notifies you when to stop. Sold witn a
guarantee that three boxes will cure any case. It
ttAPfl.PlIRfl PRLU-bWWU is vegetable and hatmless.
has Cured tbon-at ds. it will
cure you. a v ail drugg.’sts or by mail prepaid,
>1 a box; 3 boxes $2 5*. Booklet trei. V\ rite
Eureka Chemical Co., La Ciosse, Wis.
BRSSSXsS^ia^s^ Free.
Dr. H. H. GREEN’S SONS. Box B. Atlanta. Ga
this Paper In wraing to advertisers.
anu- 1900- three.
FMi WON DOLLAR*™
Most talked of potato on earth ’ Our dllM
Catalog tel la—so alHO about Sal- 9g*|
zer'a Earliest Six Weeks' Potato.
largest farm U.8. and Potatoes. vegetable yi.2b seed and JHpl
growers In
up a bbl. Send tbla notice and 5c.
stamp far Big Cuelof. -wi£j|
JOHN A. 5 ALZER SEED (HACR
MS
Best CUHLS WHtHE Syrup. ALL ELSt Good. FAILS. Use i
in Cough Tastes
time. 8old by drugglRta.
1