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FUN+GAMES
She Sftnes
gainesvilletimes.com
Weekend Edition-January 16-17,2021
Shannon Casas Editor in Chief | 770-718-3417 | life@gainesvilletimes.com
What’s the cause of bonus daughters lies?
Q.I have a real problem
with my bonus daughter’s
lying. I overhear her telling
her mother how she wants
to go home when she is with
us, but her father won’t let
her. She never tells us she
wants to go home. On the
contrary, she tells us how
much she loves being with
us. I think she’s playing her
parents and it’s causing a
big problem between her
dad and me. What’s good
ex-etiquette?
A.If she’s doing what you
say she’s doing, it may not
be for the reasons you sus
pect. She may not be play
ing anyone — she may be
miserable.
DR. JANN BLACKSTONE
dr.jann@exetiquette.com
There is a common reason
this sort of thing happens,
and I will lay it out as best I
can. What I describe is not
specific to moms’ or dads’
behaviors. Either parent
or both parents can be the
perpetrators.
I see what you describe
most often when one parent
has recoupled and appears
“happy,” and the other has
not. Add to that the type of
parent who feels compelled
to tell the child how their life
is over each time the child
goes to the other parent’s
home and you have a child
who feels guilty for having
fun when gone and lies about
it.
If you’re overhearing
things like, “I know, but Dad
won’t let me go...” she’s
blaming it on Dad because
she doesn’t want to hurt
Mom’s feelings. She wants to
remain in her favor, so she
blames the pain on someone
whom she perceives is at
the root of the pain in the
first place — Dad. She reas
sures her Mom of her love,
but remains exactly where
she is because in reality she
loves both her parents and is
having fun at Dad’s house.
This is a perfect example
of how parents put their kids
in the middle and have no
idea that they are doing it.
To further complicate the
issue, it’s also common for
the parent in your example
to see the pressure the child
is under and say things like,
“I don’t want my daughter to
feel as if she has to come see
me. I will let her make her
own decision.”
In a child’s mind, this
translates to, “My parent
doesn’t care if I see him (or
her) or not,” and in response
to not believing her presence
means anything, slowly stops
going to see Dad. Then Mom
says, “I’m not going to make
her go if she doesn’t want to
...” and it all started by both
parents unknowingly putting
their child in the middle.
A child does not have the
emotional knowledge to
make adult decisions. All she
knows she loves both of her
parents and she’s doing her
best to juggle the chaos.
What to do? Before you
start accusing this child of
manipulation, take a look at
how the homes are handling
the back and forth. Do they
need to improve their com
munication? Do they see the
importance of being on the
same page and reinforcing
the child’s time with both
of them or are they playing
the “best parent” game and
undermining each other?
The answer could be as sim
ple as allowing the child to
love her both of her parents
on her own terms. That’s
good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the
author of “Ex-etiquette for
Parents: Good Behavior After
Divorce or Separation,” and
the founder of Bonus Families,
www.bonusfamilies.com.
LOS ANGELES TIMES SUNDAY CROSSWORD
“HITTING THE BIG
LEAGUES” By C.C.
BURNIKEL
ACROSS
1 Splendid display
5 Unable to decide
9 Stare in wonder
13 Leaf through
17 Superlative
prefix
18 Quick attack
19 Causing the
willies
20 Malek of “Mr.
Robot”
21 'Discount ticket
based on age
23 'Raffle rewards,
perhaps
25 Sonata producer
26 Downed with an
ax
28 Ration (out)
29 Grain in granola
30 Piece of cake
32 Acknowledge
surreptitiously,
maybe
34 Pretender
36 Checking
account lure
39 Mo. with dog
days
41 Winter’s day
outburst
42 Most capable
44 One who gives
a hoot
45 'Avocado
misnomer
48 Investigate
again, as a cold
case
51 Itinerary abbr.
52 “Gimme a
minute”
53 Part of a journey
56 Gets by
58 Downright or
outright
60 Beer with a
black eagle in
its logo
62 Waze option:
Abbr.
63 Playground
response
65 Mexican buffet
feature
67 Trio for A-Rod
and Trout
69 'Cause of some
back pain
72 Garden rodent
73 Lea Salonga,
e.g.
75 Publisher Larry
, portrayal for
which Woody
Harrelson
received
an Oscar
nomination
76 IOC country
code three
before Qatar
77 Virtual alter ego
78 Finds
81 Everest expert
84 Diego Padres
85 ‘The Irishman”
Oscar nominee
87 Encountered
89 Many Oscar
nominees
91 'Pre-wedding
bash
94 Olive extract
95 “See ya!”
97 Brouhaha
98 Sweetie, in slang
99 Twitch stream
annoyance
101 Civil War general
102 Cried in the
cornfield
104 Aficionado
106 Squid’s squirt
107 Inquires
109 Exec’s aide
112 Having
significant
consequences
116 'It’s not
112-Across
119 Leaving the
amateur ranks,
and a hint to
the answers to
starred clues
121 B-school subject
122 Autobahn autos
123 Layered veggie
124 Millions
125 Puts in stitches
126 Part of a
process
127 Golf great Karrie
128 Asian laptop
brand
DOWN
1 Promotional
campaign
2 Follow
3 Channel guide,
say
4 Hamlet, for one
5 Like salves
6 “For You”
co-singer Rita
7 Impulsive
8 Wall St.’s “Big
Board”
9 Nat _ Wild:
cable channel
10 Pizzeria allure
11 Bugs in cop
shows
12 Held on to
13 Hindu honorific
14 Easy-to-play
instruments
15 “To clarify...”
16 Not quite foggy
18 Hall of Fame
quarterback
Tarkenton
19 Sitcom sewer
worker
22 Garfield’s
frenemy
24 Supersedes
27 Dallas Wings’
org.
31 Grass-skirt
dance
33 Monotonous
sound
35 Yachter’s
pronoun
36 Neighbor of
Den.
37 Had to pay
38 'Building
diagram
40 Building beam
43 Ladybug or
weevil
45 “I’ll take that as
46 Understanding
47 Feature of
Japan’s flag
49 Watch dogs?
50 L.A.-to-Tucson
dir.
53 'Workforce
54 List-ending abbr.
55 “Chicago” star
57 Unstable
subatomic
particle
59 Spots for ski
racks
61 Romp
64 Amp carrier
66 Language
67 Degs. for
playwrights
68 Bounty rival
69 High seas
concern
70 Dry spell at the
plate
71 Blood bank
category
74 Chicago NFL
team’s founder
76 Push-up target
79 Marriage
acquisition
80 Alton Brown
cooking show
“Reloaded” in
2018
82 Monetary trifle,
in slang
83 La Scala
highlight
86 Borrow from a
library
88 Disneyland
shuttle
90 Sneaky
91 Nap site
92 Engine parts
93 One who scoffs
at bagged
pekoe,
perhaps
95 “No fighting!”
96 Informal “Get
me?”
99 Laura of “Big
Little Lies”
100 Total mystery
101 Silent
performers
103 Line to the
audience
105 Blood line
108 Retreats with
peels
110 Pack away
111 Adjust for pitch
113 Crude cartel
114 Implore
115 Go sky-high
117 Walk- : small
roles
118 Quick drink
120 Celery piece
1/17/21 xwordeditor@aol.com ©2021 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
SOLUTION, 2C
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Mom cant bear
to hear friends’
many complaints
Dear Carolyn:
I skipped my weekly Zoom with my fellow mom
friends last night, again, because I can’t bear to hear
them complain about their pandemic lifestyles. Their
kids are all in in-person school, none of them has lost a
job and none is in financial difficulty. I know there are
other stressors and I’m sympathetic,
to a point, and I guess I’ve hit that
point. One just got home from vaca
tion (she was careful, but still).
My situation is the opposite,
which they know, but I feel like
when they ask how I’m doing, all I’m
likely to do is complain, and I don’t
want to be that person. Meanwhile
my husband is floundering at his job
because remote work is affecting
his team. We have no bubble —
friends’ kids are in a private, in-person school whereas
ours are in public, remote school, and hating it — and no
family anywhere close. I may drop out of my grad pro
gram to cope, and I’ve lost half my freelance work.
I just don’t know how to go on, how to ask for help
without sounding like I’m whining, and even what kind
of help anyone can give. Maybe I just need to cry to
someone who listens. I’m sorry. I hate this and don’t
know how to keep going.
— We Are Not OK
Please let’s give a collective, well-deserved beat-
down to the idea that telling friends you’re in trouble is
“whining.”
It’s appalling that we, collectively, have so patholo-
gized struggle and marginalized compassion that people
in need feel ashamed.
I don’t blame you for skipping the sisterhood Zoom,
though. Group dynamics are a fickle thing, and if you
don’t trust your fragile nerves to this one, then you’re
right not to push it.
However, the support of an individual sister, or three,
might bring relief, so please pick the most reliable
one(s) and ask for help. For emergencies, you break the
glass; it allows your friends to be your friends. (Use the
Crisis Text Line, 741741, if it’s over their heads.)
Know, too, there’s no single code for “how to keep
going.” There is only whatever works — and that can
even mean just staggering from day to terrible day,
food-work-sleep, until things change. Because things will
change. They always do.
Obviously a daily stagger isn’t ideal, so install it as
your minimum only, the I-CAN-do-this floor that you
know you won’t fall through. That frees you to put better
things on top.
The one-on-one friend, for starters. Reach out now,
don’t stall.
Another is permission for small, even tiny, luxuries.
At least one a day. A hot bath. A click through old pho
tos. Tea. A TV show. A hug. It can be anything — except
random. Schedule it. A trail of breadcrumb-size antici
pations can get you through almost anything.
Another is the understanding that in even the rough
est times, there are better and worse days within them.
The better days — you’ll know them immediately — are
when you tackle bigger things.
If you want to. Crisis mode’s entire to-do list: Keep
going. It’s OK not to ask “how” and focus on the “what.”
On the worse days, remember these low points can
pass by tomorrow. The situation itself doesn’t change
from one day to the next, you just wake up feeling better
able to face it. That’s the grab bar when you’re sink
ing — that our worst moments are still moments, which
pass.
CAROLYN HAX
tellme@washpost.com
From the Humane Society of Northeast Georgia
845 Ridge Road, Gainesville | Phone: 770-532-6617 | website: www.hsnega.com
Chat with Carolyn online at noon each Friday at www.
washingtonpost.com.
Meet Padme
Some rescues love to just
take it easy and Padme
is certainly one of them.
While other felines love the
limelight, this introverted
2-year-old would be happy
to just relax in a nice sunny
windowsill in your home.
ID number: 45505784
Meet Tucker
While Tucker may come
off as shy at first, don’t let
that fool you! This 2-year-
old Labrador Retriever
mix is actually quite the
cuddle bug. He’d love
to get in some serious
snuggle time with you!
ID number: 46205624
From the Hall County Animal Shelter
1688 Barber Road, Gainesville | Phone: 678-450-1587 | website: www.hallcounty.org/276/Animal-Services
Featured animals were not submitted by the Hall County Animal Shelter this week.
SUNDAY SUDOKU
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DIFFICULTY RATING: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
SOLUTION, 2C