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FUN+GAMES
She Sttnes
gainesvilletimes.com
Weekend Edition-December 23-24, 2022
Rachel Estes Features Editor | 770-718-3421 | life@gainesvilletimes.com
Exs big-spending girlfriend leaves a mom feeling erased
Hello, Ms. Hax:
I am divorced, and my ex and I
have a strained relationship.
Each year for their birthdays
and Christmas, I distribute our
sons’ wish lists to family and
friends. We each buy a little from
the lists and the kids, who I’ve
raised not to be terribly material
istic, get everything on their lists.
My ex has had a girlfriend
for about a year. She is nice to
our kids, and my ex is always
less antagonistic when he has
a girlfriend, so naturally I’m
supportive.
I shared our youngest son’s
birthday wish list, and my ex’s
girlfriend bought everything on
it.
I have a lot of emotions about
this, not all of which I’m proud
of. I’m flabbergasted at the dis
play of wealth and stressed that
I have no idea what to tell rela
tives to get our son for Christmas.
I’m jealous that she can spend
CAROLYN HAX
tellme@washpost.com
10 times what I spent on my son
(I’m a teacher) and worried that
she’s luring him to visit them
more often because he will be
spoiled there. I’m angry that my
ex would allow this and bitter
that my mom seems to have been
right — that my ex wanted a
sugar-mama.
If I say anything, my ex will
call me a control freak. I haven’t
said a word to my son beyond
being excited with him about his
gifts. Do I say anything? How? Or
do I just not share the whole list
next time?
— Not the Sugar-Mama
Well, yes, don’t share the
whole list next time. Or put some
things for yourself on it.
As for the Stuff - the emotional
stuff, not material — it can
help to untangle and file it in
categories.
I’ll start with Logistical,
because the more we can justify
putting there, the better:
■ The girlfriend might have
seen it as a shopping list vs. a pick-
just-one list. Don’t panic about
ulterior motives until you have to.
■ What to tell relatives to buy
your son? By now you’ll have
thought of something. We always
do.
Next, post-marital:
■ Maybe your ex didn’t know
she did this, maybe he allowed it
just to stick it to you. Either way,
you’re on to it now and have easy
recourse, so cross it off the fret
list.
■ Maybe your mom was right
about him! So, points to her - we
can’t all be right about everybody.
(Not even Mom.) Fortunately,
it’s academic because any para
sitic tendencies he may have are
largely no longer your problem.
■ She makes him nicer. You’re
right to prioritize that.
■ You’re jealous. Okay. We
won’t tell — especially since most
of us covet sometimes, the girl
friend included, I’d guess. Because
someone always has something
cooler. But not everyone chooses
a noble vocation, as you did, know
ing it would limit your cool-toy
access. So have your wallow, then
get your noble back on.
Next, parental:
■ You needn’t say anything
to your son. This is between
you and the couple, to whom
you also needn’t say anything,
and between you and your
self. (Always feel free to talk to
yourself.)
■ You say you raised your kids
“not to be terribly materialistic,”
which is really all you could do,
so trust that. To the extent you
can, at least, since you could have
taught them frugality and pro
duced backlash-materialists, or
spoiled them to the bejeezus and
launched a generation of back-
lash-eco-ascetic evangelists. All
we can do is try.
And trust yourself, too. You’ve
given your sons your presence,
your time, your values, your
example, your consistency, and
a circle of family and friends.
If merch beats that, then I’ll
rage with you this time next...
decade. We’re all playing the
long game here.
Chat with Carolyn online at
noon each Friday at www.
washingtonpost.com.
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12/25/22
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