Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page.

att'lXXEn HER ALB, published every Tuesday Eve . __ ■■=.= ?IT ;,CRU'TION HTEB: »isM"V. 11 - - - - 50 I,,ust *T V 411 ? and *f not renewed prompt ,,.xpiiutio" will lie dweounu (t »I f lif ' 1 U t>d. v UVBRTISEENTrt lit elmraeter will be eharg Of lir.-t insertion, and 50c aehKtilwdueiit insertion. ‘•'Jlrmmmiiii-ations intended for will, be enarged for .l^'iU.'-advertised rates. -■Mi,.rl ami newsy oominuiiiea l>art of the county so licited general Directory. Civil. (10VKRNMFNT s l Hutchins. Judge Sup. Court, j) |' Odin. Clerk Sup. Court, j T Umkin. Or inary. W I*. Cosby, SlieriH. VV. K. Brown, Treasurer, jl VV. Andrews. Tax Receiver. j'iV y truer, Tax Oollectorr Ky. Malletii Surveyor, i j fl. Wilson, Coroner. C lI’NTV COM MISSION ens. I 1) Spence. Chairman and Clerk, N Bennett, .‘I K Cloud, J. II llopKine, An dres darner. BsIARPOF KDOOATION. f Winn, School Commissioner J. JU Spe nee, . T- l’atillo, .J. Webb, j it. Net 1, T K Winn. JBSTICRS. Usrenav.lle, 4071 h diat —W. C Cole, J- I’-, M. li, Adair, N. I’, Ist Fri 'lititehire, 405 dist—J, W. Andrews, j. |’„ Charles McKinney, N. P. 3rd Saturday. ... g,.,i nniith s, 316 disl—W. 1). Simms J l’,J 0 Ilaathorn, N. P. 3rd Sat- | ,r ßay Creek, 1295 diat—W..). Baggett Ij J. T. McKlvaney, N\ P. lat Sat- Lfov. I tale ’. 408th diat—J. M, Arnold..), p u.W Nieh, N. P,2nd Saturday I Caine’s 562nd diat— A. Adams, J. P |CK Tool. N l’., 3rd Saturday I Duluth 1263 diat.—W. F, Brewer,,) p Marion Roberts, N P., 'l'hnrsduy be- I fore 4th Saturday I Harbin’s47B dist —G. L. Knight IJ, P., J W. Hamilton, N. P. ■Thursdaybefore Ist. Saturday. I Hog Momtain, 414 dist —- \. L Kammons, J. P , VV. L. Andrews, Sp. 4 h Saturday. I Mtrhn’s, 544 dist—Asa Wright, np, J. lb Nowell, N. P. -Bn liitnrdny. | Noreresb, iOd—VV. It. Simpson, ft.p, A. A Mirtin, N. P. Friday lefore 3rd Siturday. I Rock Bridge, 571 dist—A. 5. ■Lowery. J- P., E. J. Mason, N. P. |)rd Saturday. Sewanee, 404th dist—T. N. Smith, J. P-, A (1. Harris, N P. ini Saturday. Buford, 550t1i dis —T. C. Bur ion, J. P., J. M. Posey, N, P. Fri iay before 3rd Saturday. MUNIC'irAU. Johu C. Smith, Mayor. COUNCIL. A L Moore, K it ilerrin S A Townley IV .1 Brown ARRIVAL AND DKPARTURL ON TRAIN Arrives from Suwannee, 5 50 p. m leaves lor Suwannee,-7 a - m. ARRIVAL AND DKPAKTURK OF MAILS. .brfBRSON— Arrives 12 in, dc parts i.m., Monday and Thursday. Traulbs Stork.—Departs 6 a m ar ives(j pin, Monday and Thursday. footiiviLLß. Arrives 10 u in, de ws 1 p Daily. Ykllow River.—Arrives 12 m., de r>ris 6 a m„VV e Inesduy and Saturday I W. H. 11ABVKY, P. A I CHURCHES I Baptist--Rev JL R Barrett, pastor Imices every Sunday ■ Mkthodist— Rev M I)’Turner Pastor ■ervices on the Ist ami 2nd Sundays. ■SeuDAY School.— A T Pattillo* Supt ■terry Snmiay at 3 p m ■ PrssbvteriajY—llev J F McClelland, ■ui or. Services on 2nd and 4th Sundays B each month, ■ Sindav School —T R Powell. Supt. ■’ery Sunday at 9.3 I a in- I fraternal. ■ Uwukxckvillk Masonic Looue.—J BSpenee W M., g A Hagood, S W , B Meets on Tuesday pt ’« or befoi e lull moon in each onth Air V f.rnon Charter, No 39, R A -J [) Spence, |j p > A | l uttiiio , j' ee 'f Fiiday night be I ore the o Sunday in each month. ‘-'wjkkett Superior Court— N. J.. 11 chins, Judi>o. ('(inverfK on the Ist oc uj in March aud Septeu hi r. WlFowier,M.L nu’ilm- ~J, v*‘ | itly located in win irvi,..... - tenders bis profession a ;ls . ll l’hysieimi In tlie citizens Ten rei ’ 1 "' 111 ' to all culls will lie t, u .' ,- nn! 1 esideiu eut I lie rc.-i koalsi-o a «J < ai " 011 "re Itui-i-ic-iiiic i arell 24th ISB4—3mo i Xo m ore eyeglasses | Pitcheli ! s Eye Salve lain . Sitfu, effective remedy for !:s & iMfflsfa T sterii,,, and Re ires Teur W 6 ' 1 of «ieold istvf. t, U|u P e > Granulation, * tJT TS ' lifcd E y«s, Mat ' J oe Lashes, and Producing qcticJc reae f and per Hranenf l '*° Wlllnl . < ’ ai ® l tlu ' r 1 *i;U■ i'.'i i<’ ii<■ ioii« when used V"} ’ 1"‘ -h as (r leers, Ke £*. I‘Uei... Rurns, Rlieuni- Z\ s ' “jU'cr inlhummi! ion S? T **itiiß,. t 0 bul ve may be used “ r *aleb v mi , » : ’lruggiata at 25 cents, FEEEi TYLER M. FEEI’LES, Ih-opriet- r VOL XV. L.KTORIAL ISRKVI'TIKS. Russia and England appear to be arming rapid y, The air-br ike is a great success. Wlat this la titude wants is a weal hei-brake. ‘•There is yet balm in Gilead,’’ shunts an exchange. (food enough ! But where the deuce is Gilead. It is said ihat a ion of gold is annually buried with dead Ameri cans. \\ eight of the brass no, stated. A recent death notice says : “She was of sound mind an ex eelent Health, but used Keiecene 'o start the tire.’ Col. Marcellas Thornton, late roaring (ion of Georgia is at pres ent editing a coal mine in Ken. tneky. It seems to be generally under stood that ibe curly blond scalp now dangling from the belt of Obief Rar. dull came from Kentu:- h‘ __ Col. Moiison’s prohecy, to /he effect that he would represent ID. in the Senate next winter, has not vet begun to declare a dividend The New proket of die Soudan it El Saniaosi. He intimate g Mahdi has been suspended, by Mahomet, for disobedience of or ders. Gentle Annie— li you will give us u poin/er as to when the spring time may be certainly be expected we will corner the cucumber mar ket and set aside a block to your credit. ExsCongrossman John D White, of Kentucky, lias gone out of politics and will devote himself to bis farm on Goose Creek Goose Crock is proabiy a tributary to rial/ River. Partisan office holders who ex pect to be bounced should contain their souls in quiet. Ris a busy season for Mr Cleye'aud and lie may no/ be able to gel around be fore summer. ,; tve the president a flir showing. The ruins of the Ursulins Cons veet, at Somerville, Mass., which have stood for more than a half a cen ury as a silent reminder of the violence of the aiiti-Catliobc mob which destroyed the building on the night of August 11, 1834, are at last to bo removed. “Sons of the Faith,” says the Madi, as his bobtail vetra ns rush to the front in battle, “Sons oftbe Faiih, shoot the correspondents. TLey will nevei let me win tv bat tle ” This is why there are so mar.y vacancies among Wolseiey's staff correspondents. It is claimed tkat ‘Old Saddle,. bagsJce” was offered the Russian mission and dec iaed it. incri-, can whisky is not equal to the Russian ciima'e and the Favorite tipple of St. Petersburg, Ivrwas er, has proven too strong in the eases of several American diplo mats . Mr. E. I>. Clark, the recently ap pointed asistant secretary of the interior, has died before assuming the duties of bis office. Air. Mal colm Hay, the assistant jf ostmas tur-genera 1 , is going to Florida in searc i of health. The cabinet .biers are complaining of tlu train and work, aml the young ml robust D u ici-vcy is not proof gainst the horrible climate of Wellington. “Talk about dynamite, I can telljvou a true story of what nitro glycerine once did in our state. Ii was out neu- Prairie du Chien, where they were blasting on 'he Chicago,' Milwaukee and St. Paul road. The coutrac/or had several kegs i f the stuff iu au under ground place. One day a work man left tho'-pkee open ; by and by some hogs came along, found a keg open, and us glycerine is almost as sweet us honey, the ani mal tilled himself. He came out by and by aim soon wandered into a s able which contained about forty horses belonging ,to the con tractor. The hog got loolit g around bo»es’ hind legs when one i f /horn drew off and gavt Mr Hog a good one. The cotieusion started the business, and not a ves ige was ever discovered of the hog or of single horse or the ’ stable. And where the stable ouee stood /here was a nole in the earth 50 feet deep and 200 in circumference. Fact gentle man I’’—Madison (/ll.) Democrat. Wea k eye- (Wniu'lt Hindi. THi-i OLD WIFE. Hy-1 In- lied the nl(t man, waiting. Sf in viffil, sad anti t^iuJcr, '\h«*re his aged wife la., (lying: and iliGtwi lght shadowslirown Slowly from the wall ami window i-lm-ed the sunset.s golden splt-iidor, Uoiiijj down. "Is ii night r she whisueied, waking (for her spirit seamed t«> hover Lost 1 let ween the ne.xi world's sunrise and l lie lied-time cares of this), And the old man, weak and tearful, treinlilingas he oeiit above her, Answered, “Yes.” “Aiv I he children in r she asked him. ould he tell lie,-' All 1 he trea »res i >1 (lieirhousehold lay in silence m m years beneath the snow; Rut the heart was with them living I nick among her toils and plea-ui-e- Long ago. And again -he called al dew-fall, in the sweel old summer weather, • U here islittle .’barley.father ' Frank HU “ Robert—have they come ?” I hey are safe,” the. old man faltered . II the chililiteii art- together Sale at home?” Then he murmured gentle soothim s Inn Ids griel grew strong mid stronger Idi n choked and stilled h in as li<* held and kissed her « rlnkh-d hand. 1- or her soul, far onto! heuriug, could liis fondest words no longer l.'nderstand. Mill the pale lips stammered questions lullabies and broken verses, Nursery prat.le all language of a mol her’- loving deeds, While the midnight round (lie mourn er, left to sorrow s bitter ineroit Wrapped in weeds. There was stillness on on the pillow— and t in-old man listened I mety Tiil they led him from tlie chamber with the burden on his breast. For t he wife of seventy years, hi-man hood’s early love and only, Lay at rest. ••Fare-you-well," he sobbed, “my Sa rah yon il meet th.-hahcshcforeuie ’Tisulilt’e while, for neither can tin parting long abide, And yon Hi all and sis- me soon, l know and Ilea van will restore me To your side. Ii was even so. The springtime, ill the step ol wintei treading. Scarcely shed its orchard blossoms ere the old man closed his eyes. Ami they buried him by Sarah—and they had their “diamond wedding" In the skies. lira re in A<i verbify At Mi. Lonsdale’s aristocratic , mansion (lie earliest ie-ters were I brought io with the rolls and cof fee, so ■ hat Mrs, Lonsdale was i languidly eating orange rnarmul , ade when her husband read out ; the contents of the letter with the | black edge which had just coaie from Moon Mountain. “Left a widow, r echoed Airs. Lonsdale! “And with six daugh ters. vVbur a very unpleasant cir cuins ance?” ■ “Sue was my favorite cousin,” ! said Mr. Lonsdale “As bright a girl as I ever smv. I suppose, Na | omi”—wi ll a little hesitation— ! “we eouldu’t take her in here?” “Take her in here?” repeated Mrs Lonsdale almost in tv scream j “Why, where could we put a wid |ow and six young women? We actually haven't space timugli to accommodate ourselves.” “Well, well, I’m real sorry for poor Mary,’ said Mr Lonsdale “I thi: k she bad the bluest eyes I ever saw. Perhaps Naomi’—with the o d Lesisa/ing formula—“you wou'dii’t like to adopt one?’ ‘Thank you,’satirically observed his wife. ‘When I do take an adopted chi'd into my bouse, it will not be the country article.’ At tlie solitary little farm on Moon Mountain, however, the same topic was being discussed while Airs. Drix was sewing on the simple mourning which the here ved family only could afford. //clou was washing the dishes, Rosie was darning the carpet with a piece of woolen yarn of the same color, aud Lizzie via * trimming i seven plain straw hats with bands I of crape, as inexpensively as pos | sible. Susy was picking ovo. a shining tin pan of dandelion greens for dinner. Esthsr, the youngest and rositsi of all, was feeding a lit le flock ot downy chickens, and Sarah, the eldest was absent at a neighbor’s, help ing tc make up the spring ou tits of half adozeu boys. ‘Small was a 1 ways so haudv with the needly,’ said Mrs. Dtix vvitn pardonable pride. •■But, mother,’ said Rosie, look ing ap from her work with a trebl ed countenance, ‘Wlmt are we to do?’ •Alolher.’ said Lizzie, ‘our Loos dale cousins are rich. 3'ouidn t ; we go to iheiuf’ •Certainly not,’ said Mrs. Drix with a sparkle of the eyes, which had not yet los/ their forget.-iuh ; not blue. ‘7 wrote to them, tell , ing them of our affliction, and ! they sent back a letter full of ! commonplaces, without even offer ing to help us,’ ! ‘Bu/ they are rica and we are poor.’ OUK OWN SECTION V* EAB<#R I'OH ITS ADVANCEMENT L A WHENCE YILLE, GA. MARCH 31 1885. ‘Yes, and they live in splendid style Hattie C'ooly says,’ added; Sits*. •Very likely,’said Airs IRix.— •But as long us there are seven puirs of hands in this family, and God spares our health, I tmt pro pose t , turn genteel beggurs.’ jßut mother,’ began ltosie. who was the care taking member of the family, -I think ’ ‘I xe settled it aU in n y own mind,’said Mrs. Drix, Bitching away until hei needle look l like 1 a gleam of steel ligliming. 'The house is large enough, :o bough it isn’t built after the latc-,1 fash ion. The air is wholesome, and there Is/he Black Spring, where the peogle come !o get w, /or for ten miles around. 1 mean to keep boarders!" ‘Hunali for the little mother! cried Essie, clapping her hands. •I will help you make custards and do up preserves?' ‘Susy aud Esther sb ill help me,’ declared Mrs. Drix. ‘Sarah can alway earn her living at tailoring work. Helen shall go into tlie glove factory; /’m told they need new hands tliciv. Lizzie cm help Mrs. Dart, the milliner, and Rosy is to be governess at Mrs. AIil!» ingham’s; and if, between ns, we eau’t earn a decent livelihood, it will be very strange.’ Susy and Essie were delighted. Tiosy naturally regarded her po sition as a decided promotion. Helen, however, dropped a tear into tha pan of hot water which she hod just poured out. ‘The g/ove factory, inothei r she repeated ‘But it, will be such a lonesome place, 1 don’t think 1 shall like it.’ ‘We must all of us try to like our duty, child,’ said the brisk lit tie widow. ‘Mary is going *o open a board* ing house,’said Mr. hons iale again to his wife. She has requested me to insert an advertisement in the papers for her.’’ ‘Very laudable of her, I am sure, said Mrs. Lonsdale, with a yawn ‘Suppose you wer to go there fora few weeks before the Sarato ga season opens?’ suggested, Mr. Lansdale. ‘You can’t very well stay here while the painting and repairs are going or..’ I don’t know that l can endure that sort of living,’ said Mrs Lons dalei dubiously. ‘Mary Drix used to be the best housekeeper I ever know.’ answer ed her husband. ‘Do you suppose she will take me cheap?’ •I should imagine so.’ So Mrs. Lonsdale wrote a pat ronizing letter to her husband’s cosin, l eueaking the best room. But when she got to Moon Moan tain there was only one little scpiare room left. The fame of the Black Spring bad gone forth in all directions, and a newspaper editor hau promulgaten an articles praiu ing the delicious pine scented air and well populated trout brooks of the mountain, and the oonsc qnence was that ‘he farm hou o was full. ‘/Ait this room is too small,’ said Mrs. Lonsdale fretfully as she looked around. •Ids all I have left,’ raid Mrs. Drix ‘and I could have lot it half a dozen times over if it hadn’t been reserved for you, Cou-ir Na omi. ‘You'll take me s') a reduction from the usual pricer, said Mrs - Lonsdale. ‘I shall charge you just what I charge everybody else, neither more nor less,” answered Mrs. Drix. ‘Bui I’m a relative,’ pleaded Mrs Lonsdale. ‘Whht good does that dome?’ said the widow fixing her blue eyes fulf on Mrs. Lonsdale. ‘My terms for a room of this size are Hurt; shillings a week.’ ‘But that is too much,’ whined Mrs. Lonsdale. ‘How' much did you expect to I pay?’asked Mrs. Drix with a cu- I rious sparkle in her eyes ‘in this wilderness, here,’said Mrs. Lonsdale, ‘twelve shillings 1 would be ‘lf these are your ideans wo never shall come 10 terms? said Mr-*. Drix. ‘But it you are really damped for money ’ I “My dear Airs. Diix,” said the rJit-li man s wife, “yon lmve no idea of the perpetual demands hr money. “I will lake ycu for twenty -live shillings, ’’ Airs. Drix completed -Lot sentence as if the other had -not spoken. F? And the bargain was completed F. Mr.--. Lonsdale had not been in idl'Q house a week lefore she took ’h -r husband's cousin severely to ■bask. •That horrid old man in the fa Jed olive-greer. suit has the. best room in the house,” said she. ■►Tlie very best.' r ‘Yes.’ said ATrs. Drix, “he is my other's uncle 7/e was always j.V'T y good to my poor husband. I* But Fm told bo only pays half price ?" i A ‘•That is my affair.” said Mrs' Drix. ‘But is it true V insisted Alnv, Lonsdale. ■Yes it is true,’ confessed the wd; \v, ‘He is very old and can’t go up and down stairs, so ot course lie must have the first floor room.’ ‘Bn- lie basu’/ any property.’ ■Be own Carriage Farm across the mountains,’ said Airs. Drix ‘bu: nobody will rent it of him be cause !ee land is so rocky, and tlie firm bouse was burned down bn l fall when there were so many fives in the woods. Beyond that lie has nothing.’ “Alts. Lonsdale curled her lip.* ‘Such impudence sa : d she.’ No body bus any right to ,ive to be 70 years old without having laid up something for t'>e future.’ ' ‘I was thinking' said Airs. Drix ‘that per taps Cousin Moriiner Lonsdale would contribute a lit tle somo/biug to bis support.’ as \ $, lire equally related. Tuu may be sure ihat ho will not,’ said Airs. Lonsdale witn ein pqasis ‘Very well said Mrs. Drix calm ly. ‘He shall never want, while I can help him ’ The very next morn jug, howev er old, old Mr. Darrow wits found dead iu his arm chair. And by will he left everything he pos sessed to his grandniece, Mary Drix ! ‘1 wish you joy of Carriage Farm F chuckled Mrs. Lonsdale. ‘Of course you will have to pay taxes on it, so It will, absolutely money out of pocket.’ ‘lt was all he had to give,’ said Mrs. Drix, Meanwhile the family were pros pering. Sarah was engaged to mary a thritty young farmer of the neighborhood, Helen was earning a good living. l.izz;e was contemplating the setting up of a small milliuer’i shop on her own account—and Rosie was iu high favor at Alil ingham place. Even Mrs Lonsdale admitted lh : her grave French cook could not excell tl.e syllabubs, cream dellicate cakes delicious puddings which the young da csela com pounded, with tiie help of one now laid egg and country eravu. “I am a 1 most sorry our rooms are engaged at sarratoga,’ said the ci v lady. “I am getting rather to ike Moon Mountain. Ami your table is decidedly good Ma rv.’ Bu* ju-t as she was p icking her big trunks for ihe removal to the Mecca of modern fashion, Air Lonsdale nimslef 'amedown. Well,’ said the lady airily, ‘what is the news, Mortimer V ‘Bad news.’ said Mortimer ; n a boans6 accent. ‘We are ruined ! /lie business has gone to wreck— the cashier has lied to Belgium— and we haven’t a cent t > call our own.’ 7\ hereupon, naturally enough Airs. Lonsdale went in hysterics. Wuen Mrs Drix came in, Naomi was wildly loadmg her husband with reproaches. Mon timer Lons dale s ood leaning against the matiie ! ,wUh something glittering ! iuhis hand. Mr*. Drix went up to i him aid look it away wi:h gen ie authority. •Give me that pistol, Mortimer,’ said she. ‘Get up Naomi, and and leave off ihat crying and sob bing. If ever you needed io be a I, woman you need it now !’ ‘We uto ruined! -we are mined !' shrieked Naomi, tearing her hair •T can never reuoem myself !’ said Mortimer huskily. ‘You h«,t bettor have let me shoot myself, Mary.’ ‘Pshaw !'Haid Mrs Diix curtly “Suicide is the last resort of the coward. Don’t yon know Morti mer that it is always darkest just before day-lignt,.’ I don'/ know what you mean,’ I said lie. •Then lis/en to me. The law. ' yer has just come over from Car ageeFarm. Ho says they have struck a rich vein of iron on the rocky bills /here. A Stock c >m vvp.itt to buy it of me for C. 5.000, and I’ve agreed to’sell it. Fncle Harrow was as much ! your uncle as be was mine. We'll | divide tlie money, Mortimer, you i and I ’ •But I've no right to it Alary, i faltered he. ‘Not by law perhaps,’ said the widow, but you have by equity at all eeonts half of it shall be yours. Wind do / won't of five thousand pounds ? Half will be great riches for me. The giFs are a'l doing well, and I like to leal a busy life. Nay, Mortimer you must take it !’ lie-turned away his face. ‘Alary,' said ht> ‘you have headed co t Is of tiro on our heads !’ So Air. nml Mrs. Lonsdale set tled on a pretty farm on Moon Mouu ain, and strange to relate their only son Geofi'ry, eventual ly married pretty E<sic Drix. ‘So that you’ll have to adopt one of Mu-y Drix’s girls after all,’ joeoselp l aid her i imbued A WISE FATHER. “So you are going to start a humorous paper,” said an old gen tleman to ms son. “Yes, sir. Havo you any advice to offer ?” "Don’t start it.” “Why ?” “Oh there are luany reasons, some of which, in a most serious manner, I shall give you. Tli® quality of humor is inborn, but the employment of Ws finer forces requires the most careful cultiva tion. The rough semi-vulgar sketch is not humor. ! t may cre ate a laugh, but it i- not humor- Do you is member what Addison says of humor? “No, sir.” “//ave you ever read Addi son?" “Very little.” “ What lmve you read /’’ •‘Oh, I don’t know what all. It would take me some time to enum erate. “1 don’t think it would Low is your immagination—very good ?” “No, sir, I can’t say that it is’ “Ah, huh, I suppose you will attempt to make the people laugh ?” "Oh, yes sir.” “A fatal error young mau. Peo ple can be slyly drawn into mirth but you cannot shove them into it. We can persuade them to weep but weeanuot force them You no doubt have a goM supply of original iokes." “ “Yes, sir, J tbink so.” “Tell mo a few ? ’ I can’t tell .hem.’’ “Well, si? down theie and write me one." The young man wrote the fol lowing i “St-bleson went to see bis girl /he other night, The old mau was at the lodge. Sebles<m enjoyed himself pretty well The I girl brought in some pie. 7’tm young fellow said it was first rate and asked her if she made it. She said yes. ‘Ah,’ replied the young ; n an, ‘any body who can make : such pie ought to make a good wife.’ Then they both laughed j ‘Did you ever make any pi® ?’ she | asked. ‘No,’ said be but I’ve killed a sight of it ” ’ "Is thatull?” asked the old gen» - tie-man when the humorist haA with elocutionary effect, read the i production. “Y< , but I could make it long er.” • “.Don t do it.” “Father, I sin afraid you don’t 1 like humor.” “1 am afraid so.” “You didu’ smile, but will yon end me 612.000 !” JOII\ T. WII.SOV, .In , l*iil,liHlit;r “What, do you want to puv people to laugh !" “Oli no I want to buy material.’’ “Why, you want to print a pn our eh? ’ • Of course.” “Ob no L cannot let you have the money.” “I tell what 1 thought, father. Aou have been suggested ns a suitable ennuidato for Congress. Well nothing more than a good good joke helps a man politically I thought that you might get itl st veral good jokes about yourself and I could print them. Ol course everything from yo t would oe in teresting. Aou have gi cat imm ag ination, an/ have read Addison you-—” “Two thousand dollars, you say ? Hand me that check-book, please. Of course Ido not ex pect. to be a candidate -but say, I were elected, 1 could make the country laugh, eouldn’/ I ?" SI NBEAMS. A Myrrh maid. The apothe cary's daughter. Alotto for the cremation—Death is n-ul amt death is urnest. The seashore is a place where you can always find Sabbath break ers. hove is a fellow arouud swap ping a peck of trouble for u pint of happiness. A Gaol-bird is one of the fowl kind, whose wings have been clip ped hy legal process. A littlo three yem 'oid. in admit ing her baby brother, exclaimed: lie’s got a b uled head, like papa.’ ‘Bat, have you any prairies in Ireland like we have in Illinois/’’ “To be shore wo have. Didn’t ytz ivor hear of Tipperary. Go*many his one beer shop to every thirty one inhabitants. This prevents I lie disagreeable crowd ing ho noticeable in this country. T marry lmt little fellow!’ ex claimed Miss Mitinice, “No! 1 would i a*ber die than lmve him— that is if I could get somebody else. An old colored ruan who had nu hi bed too freely on New Jersey applajack, said- -‘Soma people is tilled with delight, but I’se till ed wid de lightning.’ Au ordinary woman’s waist is tbiriy inches around, zlu ordinary man’s arm is about thirty inches long. How admirable are tby works, O, nature ! . A naturalist says that .he sponge of commerce has a nervous sys tem and secretes gall. The social sponge has also eonsidorrble nerve> and his gall is immense. It is She diplomatic clerk at the silk counter who asks Hie fond mother shopping with her daugh ter if the goods are for her or bar sister, whose salary the ‘boss,’ rais os. Mr. Houzeiiu his, by the tran sit of Venus, settled the distance of the tnn from Chicago at 91,75(1, 800 miles. This must make th married people in the sun very un happy. Some people imagiue ihatbo cau.ve a man is a plumber, he is u® e.-m-ily a rainier. I’his is all wrong and is not true. A plumber may be perfectly honest —before be learns tlie business. ‘Hey, Sambo, wha’ d’ye leave yo’ last boardin’ place fut ?’ *()b, (ley charge too much fur dis yer dar key.’ Wha’ (ley charge?’ Dey charge me wid stealin’ de spoons, and so I Id.’ 7’hewifeofan Orange county milkman was reported iu the local newspapers as appearing at a re cent ball in a handsome milk- white silk. The report does no/ say that it a watered silk, but we pre sume it was ‘•Lo jk litre, Mr Consumer, evs diy time I go Vo yous house to read youi gasmeter that infernal dog of yours pitches a' me.’ ‘Yes he's a capital watch dog. Saga cious, too. Knows a robber at first sight every time.’ * Speaking of DeLesseps, they say his Panama scheme will in' diet great injury on die United States.’ ‘But we can collect dam ages from him iu the courts. 4 said the dau«hter of a Washington statesman, confidently. I what waj ■' asked President Cleveland, ‘Suez canal, you know,’ was the response, mriXA F/TT lIER/ILD, OUR JOlt DEI*A Itl MEXT IS COMPLETE. ALL ORDERS FOR / / ■ y y" ' ' /t u t St* ; NEATLY ANI) PKOMFTLY EXECU TED. NO 2 Kutci fd in the Rout Office at Law - i-enceville, Ou., as second class mail urn Iter. OF GENERAL INTEREST. Ladies traveling on the ocean are oblighed to register thfir ages. 'Hie Chinese Legation at Wash ington all vveui ilieir native dress, toe Japanese havo liscardetl theirs, Nothing like getting hold ot novelties. A Philadelphia bot tling os/üblishinent is advertising purified water. AI the recent city election at La Conner, W- T. two married women were elected members of 'ho City Council, aud the local paper affectionately calls them“oi/y mamma’s.” A’ew Zealand witli a population f only half a million, supports one hundred newspapers, thirty o which are daily. In Aukland ii place of thirty thousand people, i he Star of that city lias ten I lions and circulation. Excellent oranges from Pales tine a»e now exported to England for the first time, and will no doubt ere long find their way io I bis country. They are shipped fiom Joppa and packed in peculs it-v braided s/raw hampers instead of boxes. ttifciori played at Athens a night or two ago. The orchestra elici ted thunders of applause by play ing “Billy in the Low Grounds during the execution of the ear| of Esex, while Queen Elizil-etb yielded up the ghost to the tune of “Dixie.” .in idea of how quickly gossip flies may bo gained from a little incident that occureil iu Binning-* ham, Ala., recently, where a ru mor “got out that one of the fe male school ■eachers was to be married, and in a fews hours’no less than fifty applications for her place was made. A dog in tVamiqua, N. J., who for sometime had been noticed to take his breakfast iu his mouth and run away with it unseen, was followed, when it was discovered ihut lie took his ineui to decrepit and emaciated obi dog in a covert iu tlie field, who eagerly devoured tht food thus provided for him. Mrs. Codd, suing fqr a divorce in Brooklyn from her second hus band, testifies that before seek ing legal advice she tried to effect of reconciliation, bin bo placed five pages of closely written legal cap before her and said that if she would follow ‘he rules be had prepared for her government he would consider the question of reconciliation. A B.iston lady says she has been m uned teu years and berhusband has kissed her on a i average five times a day, which makes eigh teen thousand two hundred and fifty ki-ses. She thinks she beats the record, but we know of a Buckeye couple who have the reckord up to fifty four tliousan d soven hundred and fifty and are still healthy. A Now Orleans docloFcails nt te itiou to a very simple fact which intuits attention to the medicine takers. If the medicine is mixed with very cold water, and a few swallows be laken as prepartory (lo ie, /lie nerves of the organ of tu.-te become s tfficiently benumed as make the medicine nearly taste less. The method will not dis guise b tter tastes, but acts well iu oils and salines. Shoes are made in Athol, Mass.. for usr in mines of California and elowbero that involve an ameunt of labor (uat is somewhat aston* islung. The number of Hungar ian nails in e*ch pair is eight hnn dr< d ami sixty two ; the number of blows struck in making a pair two thousand three bundled and seventy four. The shoes, when ready for use weigh five and one fourth pounds, and look as if able to stand any amount of wear and tear. Turpentine in small quanities rutty be used with advantage in the In.idry, but resin, which is usuals lv found in soap is injurious, dis ced iring some goods and shrink ing woollens. Of the words culle l for iu the great libarary of tne Bri/iah muse um less than ten per cent are uov ls.