Newspaper Page Text
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMIU
OVER.
WHAT CAUSED TOPNOODY TO TUMBLE.
After supper, Monday night, Mr.
Topnoody put on his hat and started out
of the house.
“Where are you going, Topnoody?
Mked his wife.
“I’m going down town, my dear.”
“Well, I didn’t suppose you were
going to New York, or Philadelphia, oi
Europe, or Cumminsville.”
“Didn’t you, my love?”
“No, I didn’t. But I want to know
vhat you are going down town for,”
“Business, my dear, of course. You
didn’t think I was going for fun, did
you?” “Oh, down town
no; men never go
at night for fun. There’s no fun down
town at night for a man, when his wife
is left at home by herself. Of course
9ot, ot course not. It’s business all the
time; sometimes it’s the saloon business;
sometimes it’s the billiard-room business;
sometimes it’s the pasteboard business;
sometimes it’s the theatre business;
sometimes it’s the—”
“Now, my dear, what’s the use of
your going on that way ? I’m honest,
and have to go down town. I am going
to join the Knights of Pythias, and
have to be on hand at eight o’clock,
sharp. ”
“Going to Join the Knights of Pythias,
are you ? Well, I say you ain’t. You
already have Mason nights, and Odd
Fellow nights, and A. O. U. W. nights,
and Chosen Friends nights, and Elk
nights, and Y. M. C. A. nights, and
Scottish Rite nights, Pythias, and now do you you? want I
to have a shan’t, night of and Topnoody, if
say yon you
want to lodge with me, you had better
take one night off for a Topnoody night,
or this lodge will be closed till further
orders. Do you tumble ?”
Topnoody tumbled .—The Drumwer.
■RAW ON THE HA ITCHES,
“Sally,” said a housemaid to her fel
•ow-servant, “I’ve a sweetheart—such a
nice young man 1 He’s a profession.”
“Oh, Jemima! don’t use such wicked
words.”
“Oh, but it ain’t a wicked word at all,
Sally; it’s a business.”
“Business, Jemima? What busi¬
ness ?
“Guess, Sally, what it is. It begins
with H.”
“I know, Jemima. It’* a horsifer.”
“No, it ain’t, though; it’s something
much better than a horsifer.”
“Then it’s a horange merchant—that’s
it, Jemima 1"
“Oh, you hateful thing—to think of
anything so wnlgar! He’s a hock
chineer 1”
THE CASHTEIi DIDN'T IDENTIFY HIM.
“You have the advantage of me,”
said the cashier blandly. “ You will
have to get some one to identify you.”
“Identify mo? Why I am your son,
just back from college for the summer
vacation.”
“ May be, may be,” answered the
cashier, “but my son did not look like a
fool, wear a cockney hat, monkey tail
coat, skin-tight breeches, suck toothpick handles.
shoes, nor did he cane
When my wife returns from Europe next
September yon might, present your
claims to her, and if she decides that you
are our offspring I shall be happy to bid
you au affectionate good-bye on your re¬
turn to college. In the meantime I
would suggest that yon earn your living
by hiring yourself out for a tailor sign.
Good-day, sir.”
nOW HE TRADED.
‘Tve given the boy the wrong medi
cine,” exclaimed a druggist, seizing The liis
hat and rushing from the store.
boy had reached home by the time the
druggist overtook him.
“Say,” exclaimed the druggist, given as an
old negro approached, medicine.” “I’ve your
boy the wrong
“What did yer gin him?”
“I gave him morphine. You sent for
qninine. ”
“Dat’s all right, De udder day I
sout for morphine an’ yer sont me qui¬
nine, an’ dis time when I wanted mor¬
phine, ter keep down any mistakes, 1
sont for quinine, knowin’ 'dat yer
wouldn't send what de boy axod for. Go
on back home an’ sell some rat pizen."—
Arkansaw Traveler.
A BOY S ECONOMY.
A boy seven or eight years old was
passing along Elizabeth street, Detroit,
recently with a dime in his fingers , when
another boy accosted him with:
“What “Camphor.” ye going to buy ?”
“What for?”
“To keep moths away.”
“Say,” said tell the second boy as he came
nearer, “I’ll you what I’ll do. If
you’ll spend five cents o’ that for candy
I’ll lend you my dog all one day to hunt
down the moths and if he don’t catch
'em all I'll lend you the bossest rat-trap in
this city ! You can just as well save five
cents as not."
HOW TO CONQUER A CCCTJMBEB.
“Young man.” It was the man at the
hotel table who spoke. The reporter
looked np and he continued :
“Pick tlio seeds out of those slices of
cucumbers and throw them away, and
you will avoid the colic. ”
“Does the colic lurk in the seeds?”
the reporter asked.
“No, not thnt so much ; but, you see
if you get rid of the seeds there won’t be
enough of the cucumber left to hurt
you.”
English Fortunes.
No English fortunes have ever lieen
accumulated by individuals in England
equal to those of Stewart or Vauder
hilt. The largest personalty was that of
Mr. Bassev, the great railroad con
tractor, $710,000,000. The next largest
was that of Mr. Morrison, dry goods.
$20,000,000, $2,500,000 with real estate ‘equal to
some more. The Duke of
Westminsters realty can fall little
short of $100.000,000,"hut his father only
left $4,000,000 personalty, aud this in
eluded a famous collect on of pictures.
——---—
The meanest man oat is one who
knowB who will be the next President „ ,
but will not tell.
THE SUMMER HOTEL.
An Ima.ln.ry Interview and a DIscusbIsb
• f the Inducement* Offered.
“You are the landlord of the Big View
Hotel?”
“I have that honor.”
“And is your hotel well situated ?”
unsurpassed. “Delightfully; They its comprise surroundings are
the nig¬
ged mountain, the smiling valley, the
cool, sequestered forest, the daisy-dim¬ gently
pled field, broad, glassy lake,
fiowing river and babbling brook.”
“And the view?”
‘ ‘Exquisite. From the broad veranda
can be seen the giant hills of New
Hampshire, the Catskills, the Appala¬
chian range, the far-famed Rockies, and
tha Mexican Cordilleras, while the hori¬
zon is marked with the outlines of Hecla,
Vesuvius, and sacred Fusiyama; the
Adirondack^ are spread before the de¬
lighted beholder, the Hudson, the Mis¬
sissippi, and the Yangtse Kiang are like
Bilver hands on the landscape, and the
Falls of Niagara, with their ceaseless
roar, can be easily descried by the un¬
aided vision.”
“And the facilities ?”
“The facilities for boating, bathing,
fishing, and shooting are unsurpassed.
Noble lakes surround the house on three
sides, and the fourth is white with the
creamy surf of the broad Atlantic,which
dashes upon the hard, clean, sandy
beach beneath your very feet. The
lake and ocean has each its noble fleet
of white-winged cruisers, not to speak of
row-boats of every name and variety.
The waters are swarming with the hook, finny
tribe, eager for the fisherman’s
and trout, pickerel, sharks, salmon, hornpouts, and
bass, catfish, whales, min¬
nows are the abundant reward for the
angler’s pleasant toil. Then the water
is always just right for bathing, all and its
temperature warranted to suit who
cleave its life-giving waves. Up every
tree the sportsman sees birds of divers
plumage awaiting the pop of his rifle.
In short, it is the sportsman’s para¬
dise.”
“And the table ?”
“The tables are furnished with all the
delicacies that the market affords. Vege¬
tables fresh from their cans and milk
direct from the city are served daily,
and the steak is rendered tender and
pliant to the tired jaw of the denizen of
the city by an athlete hired for this ex¬
press purpose at an enormous expense.”
“Is this house guarded against acci¬
dents in case of fire ?”
“Admirably.”
“And the ventillation ?’’
“Perfect.”
“Are there any other attractions?”
“There are thousands. The drives,
the walks, the sails are inexhaustible,
both in their diversity and their charm¬
ing picturesqueness. Beauty is upon
every side ; nowhere has nature been so
lavish of her multiform charms.”
“Well, then, I think I won’t go. I
fear I should be getting too much for
my money. If you know of a hotel
where there is nothing particularly to be
seen, where there are no facilities for
boating, bathing, fishing and hunting,
where no attention is given to ventilo
tion, where there are no precautions
against fire, and the fare consists of
corned pork, cabbage, cream-tartar bis¬
cuits and very weak tea, I should be
w ppy to be informed of its whereabouts,
x will go there at once and stay all sum¬
mer. I long for something to break the
monotony of former years. ”
A Veteran Gone.
Captain in service John Leitch, the Cunard the oldest cap
lain of company,
and perhaps the oldest commander cross¬
ing the Atlantic,died as sea Tuesday, July
‘24th. asked Owing to failing health the cap¬
tain to be transferred to the Medi¬
terranean fleet, and nine years ago lie
made his last trip across, taking one of
the Cunard steamers with him. Since
then Captain Leitch had commanded
the Saragossa which runs from Liver¬
pool acknowledged up the Mediterranean. He was
to be by far the coolest
man aboard a chip during kind the most try¬
ing moments, and was and consid¬
erate to those under his command.
His careful management and watch¬
fulness earned for him the reputation of
being a safe custodian of human freight,
and many persons about to cross the
Atlantic would often wait lengthy
periods to sail across with the
genial captain. Captain Leitch was
born in Scotland, and at the time of his
death was about seventy years of age.
He had been in the service for over fifty
years, and those who knew him and will
read of his death will regret to learn
that his last resting place was in the bot¬
tom of the sea. He was buried from his
own vessel, the Saragossa.
A Strong Fence.
An ... adventurous scribe invaded . , ,
ex
Senator David Davis s home the other
day, and tned to interview that states
mnJ V, °f course he first asked who
would be the next Presidential candi
dates, and insisted upon an answer,_ for
You must have some idea. Judge, he
said. Yes, replied the other, I have
an idea-—that your question is too
£ aversed m one Wehme -
“But if the Democrats , were to , urge you
to accept their nomination, what would
lou say. My dear sir, I should say
that it was none of your business. Ex
ense me for being rude, but I can t be
interviewed. The reporter went, then;
hut in parting he asked the ex-Senator
why he had such a strong, massive fence
roplv‘ihe eply me rimSrds buzzards of of the’nr™’ the pu ss 8 s s.iy iv
Can’t Drown.
^ . good . swimmer can t drown himself
ou I nu 'P° se - R*’ may think he can, and
g° to try ; but the man doesn t live who
can ie l' 8 wimmmg if lie is able just as
soon as he begins to choke. Such is the
0, ’j mon of au oId Kador , who adds:
" How ma ! 3 v tlmes
flanging . -
their . minds , after they get un
^ er al >cl of course there s lots that
”^ er let ? n what ‘ 1)p y meant to do.
hear about .
” n y°« a smeider weight
lum8elf , wlth leador something, and
the it . done to hide
paper says was the
donTyou believe it Snchper
sous crimps are good swimmers, who know—
; from experience—that they’ve
got to have a liofi to keep them under.”
A DREADED DISEASE.
Characteristic* of Cholera—A Wtmlnj
That May be Heeded,
Dr. Philip Leidy, whose long exper¬
ience as Port Physician and connec¬
tion with the Health D part merit ol
Philadelphia, make by him an authority,
was found recently, a singular coin¬
cidence, by a reporter of one of the
papers of that city, surrounded with
books, engaged etiology in the the study of the
history and of past oholera
epidemics. likely,”
“I think it very he said, ‘ ‘that
we shall have at least a touch of it in
Philadelphia this year. that It is traveling
in just the same track it followed
in other years. There is need for the
utmost vigilance. It is not much use to
think of a fire department after half the
town is burned, and it is a great mistake
to defer the consideration of this import¬
ant matter until the epidemic is at our
doom. I believe, and am supported in
my views by most of the authorities,
that quarantine is not an effectual pre¬
ventive against the introduction of the
cholera, be but, nevertheless, there
should precautions, and, above
all, the points should be care¬
fully watched whence it is likely
to come. Prompt and authoritative in¬
formation should be given to threatened
ports of the shipments of passengers or
goods from any place where chotera
exists. But even that may not avail.
Persons familiar with cholera history
know that vessels with clean bills of
health from places where cholera was
unheard of have developed cases in mid¬
ocean. It is even thought that epidemic
atmospheres have been encountered at
sea by differeut vessels, a thousand
miles apart. Dr. Edward Goodeve, an
eminent English authority whose late
work I have before me, says:
“ ‘Thus cholera seems to have spread
east, south, west and north from its first
birth-place in Bengal which became
only the centre of an epidemic area
comprising nearly all the world. It
traveled slowly at first, and not continu¬
ously, but in irregular waves, checked
cold. sometimes, Neither but climate not destroyed by winter
nor season, nor
earth nor ocean, seems to have arrested
its course or to have altered its features.
It was equally destructive at St. Peters¬
burg and Moscow as it was in India; as
fierce and irresistible among the snows
of Russia as in the sunburnt regions of
India; as destructive in the vapory dis¬
tricts of Burmah as in the parched
provinces of Hindoostan. ’
“I am inclined to believe there are
periods when it starts up and follows a
regular course, and that there are at¬
mospheric conditions which it seeks and
on which it flourishes. It can jump
across the sea as well as not, and, per¬
haps, is governed by some law of which
we as yet know nothing. We know as
yet almost nothing about it, and all we
can do is to be prepared the best we
oan.”
The Lawyer’s Hotel.
Four years ago Mr. Harding, the dis¬
tinguished Philadelphia lawyer, was
stopping at a little hotel up here among
the clouds on the top of the Catskills.
One day ho wanted boiled chicken, and
asked the proprietor why the chickens
were so healthy on top of the Catskiu.
—why he never saw any dead ones.
“If you want broiled chicken,” said
mine host, indignantly, “you'd better
build a hotel and have them cooked.”
“Very well; I’ll do it,” said Mr. Hard¬
ing. “I’ll have spring chickens if I
have to build a hotel and run it myself. ”
The next day the site rich Philadelphia
lawyer picked Mountains, out a where on he the eonld top ol
Catskill see
sixty miles of the Hudson River, with
Berkshire Hills beyond. Then lie got
hold of some other rich men, formed a
company, and built the great hotel
Kaaterskill, the largest mountain hotel
in the world. It has a thousand rooms,
and is in the middle of a four thousand
acre park. The hotel was a success
from the first, and it is safe to say Mr.
Beach’s little healthy chicken now pays
Mr. Harding about $25,000 a year.
A. T. Stewart bought the old Uniou
Hotel in Saratoga through a freak and
ran it for fun.
A Son Lost.
One of the saddest cases of the rail¬
road disaster Bostwiek, at Carlyon, N. Y.. was that
of young son of Dr. Bostwick,
whose home was almost within a stone’s
throw of the station. Young Bostwick
was about 25 years old, and had for some
time been employed Toledo house. as traveling He sales
man for a was al
lowed a vacation, and concluded to come
East with the excursion party. In or
der to have a day at the old homestead,
he came on 24 hours ahead of the excur-
8ioD j fits al)d gpent life a happy hopes day with his
p ^“ arell tg whose and were
ed their only son. To get the train
it was necessary to go to Lyndonville,
fonr miles wegt Regretting 5 % to leave
bome( the doetor and h is 80n aited nn .
til the last moment. The doctor drove
f u n / Bpe cd to catch the train and got
tlier jllst a8 the train was pulling out.
The young 6 man ran and got aboard and
his f ather turned toward home. Even
before he rcac hed home lie heard of the
accideut) a ud, fearing the worst, drove
with all possib]e Bp eed to the wreck,
on]y /;, id bis vorst {ears rea u ze ,i
The i ifeless and mang ? i e q bo a y of his son
was taken from tbe w reck and before jUaced in
the buggy where but an hour the
E r oUDg ha(1 sat fdl of life aml vigor -
he doctor drove slowly home. The
Inscribed. The
funeral of young Bostwick was held from
the old Wesleyan Church, on the town
line, just across the road from the
homestead.
The Italians wish to take life as a
huge joke if they can. Here isasuppli
catiou which indicates the national tem¬
perament“I But pray that I may never that
l>e married. if I marry, I pray
I may not be deceived; but if I am de¬
ceived, I pray that I may not know of it;
but if I know it, I pray that I may be
able to laugh at the whole affair. ”
“W’hen are you going to make me
that pair of new boots I ordered?’’asked
Gus DeSmith of his shoemaker. ‘ ‘When
yon pay me for the last pair I mode
vou.” “ Whew! I can’t wait so long as
that.”
A REAL NICE GIRL.
One of the Kind Seldom Seen, but Once
Seen Never to be Forsotten.
1 saw a girl come into a street car the
other day, though, who had, I was ready
to bet, made her own dress, and how
nice she did look. She was one of those
She clean, trim girls 18 you see now and then.
was about years old, and, to be¬
gin with, looked well-fed, healty and
strong. She looked as though she bad
a good sensible mother at home. Her
face and neck and ears and her hair were
clean—absolutely clean. How seldom
you see that. There was no powder, no
paint on the smooth, rounded cheek or
firm, dimpled chin; none on the moist
red tips; none on the shell-tin ted, but
not too small ears; none on the hand¬
somely-set neck—rather broad behind,
perhaps, but running mighty prettily
up into the It tightly of corded hair. And
the hair! was a light chestnut
brown and glistening with specks of
gold as the sun shone on it, and there
was not a smear of oil or pomatum or
cosmetic on it; there was not a spear
astray about it, and not a pin to be seen
in it As the girl came in and took her
seat, she cast an easy, unembarrassed
glance around the car, from a well
opened gray eye, bright with the inimit¬
able light of “good handsome condition,” such as
you see in some young ath¬
letes who are ‘ ‘in training. ” There were
no tags and ends, fringes, furbelows or
fluttering ribbons about her closely
fitting but easy suit of tweed, and as she
drew off one glove to look in her purse
for a small coin for fare, I noticed that
the gloves were not new, but neither
were they old; they were simply well
kept, like their owner and their owner’s
hand, which was a solid hand, with
plenty of muscles between the tendons,
and with strong but supple fingers. It
would have looked equally pretty fash¬
ioning a pie in a home kitchen or fold¬
ing a oandage in a hospital. It was a
baud that suggested at the same time
womanliness and work, and I was sorry
when it found a five-cent piece and had
been regloved. O e foot was thrust out
a little upon the sluts of the car floor
—a foot in a good walking boot that
a>ight have plashed through a rain storm
without a fear of damp stockings, and
an eminently sensible bootonatwo-and
ane-half foot with a high instep, a small
round heel, and a pretty broad tread.
The girl was a picture from head to foot
as she sat erect, disdaining the support
of the back of the seat, but devoid of all
appearance of stiffness. Perhaps the
whole outfit to be seen, from her hat
to her boots, did not cost §40; but I have
seen plenty of outfits costing more than
ten times or even twenty times that,
which did not look one-tenth or even
one-twentieth as well. If our girls only
knew the lieauty of mere nimplicity.
cleanliness and health, and their fascina¬
tions !— Washington Capital.
L Few “ Hawke,ye” -Dots.
Rooted prejudice—The ring in a hog’s
nose.
In some parts of Siberia you can buy
a wife for eight dogs. Dog cheap at
that.
Robert Bbnnei owns 170 horses.
Oh, yes; we see; he keeps a livery
stable ? .
“What books shall we take away for
the summer?” ask the Philadelphia
Bulletin. If you’re going to Newport
or Long Branch, Francis, we would
suggest that yon take a pocket book ;
one about three feet long and twenty
eight inches wide will last you a whole
week.
Some wise man says, “There is a rem¬
edy for every wreng.” Oh, yes, that's
all right, but what good does that do the
man who comes out of church late and
finds that the wrong man has taken the
right umbrella, and left him a good
handle, with three broken ribs and a
dome of holes ?
The Society of Friends has repealed
the prohibition of for the the marriage first time of first
cousins, and now in
nearly two hundred years a bashful
young Quaker can enjoy the placid and
unexciting stagnation of marrying one
of the family. law Young man, permit, no don’t matter
how much the may do
it. Think of an aunt for a mother-in
law. There’s a cross for you.
A Generous Conductor.
*®urofad conductor the other day
. t of his pocket the
ou own fare of »
woman who was hastening without, ticket
or m P ne y to her husbaud’s death-bed in
a Philadelphia hospital, at the same time
conveying to her the impression that the
^ are wafl by a man who sat behind
an< l expressed his sympathy,
person promptly put the credit
where it belonged and subsequently
Ppcasiou to ask the conductor why
waived his own claim to the wo
“ au “My « gratitude.
dear sir,” was the reply, “when
J on iave b een a conductor for ten years
and been ‘beaten’ and snubbed by 999
different specimens of traveling humani
ty, you will learn to do your duty and be
satisfied with that alone. That woman’s
Stress was real, but possibly nine out
every ten I meet with similar stories
' n11 be professional dead-beats and frauds
<>f the first water. If a conductor does a
humane act now and then, and the pnb
lie hear of it, a few will compliment him
ftlld Praise lnm for it, but for the next
81X months every tramp and shyster along
^ road will strike his train and on
dea If to che f. bi “. out ?, f the fare b ?
working upon his feelings.”
A company has been formed in Paris,
with a capital of $150,000, “for the pur¬
pose of dragging the Red Sea to recover
the chariot and arms of Pharaoh.”
Pharaoh may have owned a pretty gor¬
geous chariot, but it has been in the wa¬
ter so long that we don’t believe it :s
worth much now.. A much 1 letter
one can be purchased for less that $150,
000. And ns for Pharaoh’s arms, unless
they are petrified, they would be of no
more value than his legs .—Norristown
Herald.
A friend trouble seeking subscriptions for a
person in one day asked Jerrold
for some money. “ What will put him
right?” asked Jerrold. “Oh, one and
two naughts,” replied the friend,
“Good,” said Jerrold, “put me down fox
one of the naughts. ”
G" HI- Jones £ Comogn
Comer Commerce and Warehouse Sts. CONYEBS,
O G
0 mm i~.J
QijK
-HEADQUARTERS for all kinds of_
General Merchandise at Bottom Prices
l@“We .
8611 the KewinS MAcSMNEEDlS‘^«
kee P a11 kinds
Headquarters o f rl^ri B £^b L Uni , t(a j
y.
__
Carriage Manufactory I
* ——by
J W IiANGFOHD * I
•
Garriages Wagons, Bugies
own make.
ALL WA 1: ANTED TO BE FI^ST'CLASS IN RFVEV CarriLes® dabtis
I keep also a GOOD LINE of Western
gies which I sell LOW DOWN. ? a d
Repairing ot Carriages, Wagons and Bngg e>, x’a.iu. n K and Trim,
of all grades done on short notice.
ALL KINDS OF FURNITURE REPAIRED AS GOOD AS
S
SS*I have now on hand the largest and best stock of waggons nf
make, bugies homemade aim of western build that I have ever m
you nestly want request bargains to come you forward had belter and call. settle All promptly. wh » owe me for work Z !!
have it. These do I need ih« Xu
must who not pay promptly will be mven
time. So you will please settle promptly.
It should be rememberd that My establishment is
in ■■HBUBBPfta fact everything tha is kept in first class Undertaker.
a
jJHSTCOFFJNS 'DELIVERED ANYWHERE IN CITY ORCOfi iff
Most Resoectful’v,
j. W. LAN6F0R
ESTEE @Qwfim 320mg 28!;
—-THE MOST POPULAl{-————
E&mfiaibfil *3?) ‘Zflfléfi 21W ©W&A&W E&Elr;
Wholseale Southern Depot for. ESTEY ORGANR, Stein*
Weber, Decker Brothers and Gate City PIANOS
—DEPOT OF—
<8MSM>
-IMPORTERS DIRECT FROM ETROPE OF—
Violins, Guitars, Harmonicas II
STRINGS, AND ALL KINDS OF MUSICAL MERCHANT
®a?“Nobody cm underbuy us. Nobody can undersell us.
Estey Organ Company Atlanta Ga
W. H. LEE, Agfcll
JOHN NEAL AND COMPANY,
-WHOLESALE & RETAIL DEALERS IN-
ii M
j.
NOS. 7 and 9 SOUTH BROAD STREET ATLANTA,
Special inducements offered to DEALERS and others in all grades oj I I
nitnre. A share of the patronage ot Rockdale 3iid adjoining counties e V
solicited. Be sure and give us a trial before making your purchases. ■
THE OLD RELIBLE FIRAM OF
4
u L
—DEALERS IN-- —
General Merchandise Et
KAILRO aD block GEORG
CONYERS,
Having been established* for IS years, and carrying can se o woo( j s9 ,]J j I
smallest, and most complete slocks in the coutry, we want B
any, and we guarantee satisfaction. When you
F.DY GOODS, NOTIONS, CLOTHING
• 'J.EALMAND&SO &
mm "'-ssasBBBBiiifEa u{
; ■
aSBS£.7 ■ ’
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Wlfloductxon~0ne A EUROPE 0- AMERICA!
every tn) munues.