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8 Laugh if You Can. Ground for Hostility—The dress coat must go. Every little while a S6OO clerk is mistaken for an SBOO waiter. Lillie Devereux Blake has a new lecture, entitled, “ Who Owns the Baby ? ” The popular impression is that the grandmother does when there is such an article around the house. So observant —Mamma (shopping) — “ You may cut me off a sample, and I’ll see my dressmaker, and write.” Infant Terror —“ Why, ma, that’sjust what you said in all the other shops ! ” “And now, my dear brethren, what shall I say more?” thundered the long-winded minister. “ Amen 1 ” came in sepulchral tones from the ab sent-minded deacon in the back of the church. Young Writer — ; “Do you keep all kinds of pens?” Bookstore Clerk — “Yes; which do you prefer ? ” Young Writer— “I’ve been advised to use a trenchant pen. I’d like a small box of them, and you can put in a few caustics, too.” Citizen (to Western tragedian) — “Your first appearance occurred last night, I understand? ” Western trage dian —“Yes sir-r-r.” Citizen —“Did you receive any encores?” Western tragedian, (darkly) —“No, sir-r-r; they were apple cor-r-res.” “Mamma,” asked Bobby, “does Go« really make all little boys ? ” “Yes, dear.” “Did he make those boys who live iu the alley?”“Certainly.” “Well, all I have got to say,” was the youth ful dictum, “He made ’em out of mighty poor material.” One thing wanting : English impor tation —“Miss Fanny, if you will con sent to be Miss ’Arrison, nothing will be wanting to make hour ’appiness complete.” Miss Fanny —“You for get one thing.” E. I.—“ E r—what is it?” Miss Fanny—“An H.” “Have you found religion yet, my friend ? ” Rev. Sam Jones inquired of one of his Atlanta hearers. “No,” was the reply. “What is your occu pation, may I ask?” “I’m a detect ive.” “H’m ! ” observed the great evangelist, “that accounts for it.” “Papa,” said an inquisitive youth, “what is the difference between a bro ker and a banker?” Papa is puzzled, but brings experience to his aid. He finally tells the difference: “A broker is one who breaks you to pieces by de grees, a banker takes you in at a gulp.” By the combined aid of a piece of orange peel and some ice an old gentle man sits down hastily and solidly on the sidewalk. A stranger lifts his hat and says, “Can I be of any assistance, sir?” “Who the deuce are you, sir?’’asks the old gentleman, angrily. “An undertaker, sir. Here’s my ad dress.” Presence of Mind at a Critical Mo ment —“Ah, Mr. Jones, exclaimed the little beauty triumphantly, “I have you there.” “All right,” returned Jones promptly, dropping on his knees, “I am yours forever. I have been wondering for months how I was going to persuade you to have me on any terms.” A Chivalrous Age —Talk of Sir Walter Raleigh, of Chevelier Bayard, and of the soft-toned knight of the Field of the Cloth of Gold. There’s a fi How up north who, being upset while sleigh riding, lay upon the snow and said to his sure-enough girl: “Sit on me dear, and draw your feet out of the snow ” Age of chivalry dead ? THE GREAT KENNESAW ROUTE GAZETTE. WESTERN<£ATLANT!CR.R. THE GREAT KEN-STES-AW ROUTE, I , - —— CONDENSED SCHEDULES BETWEEN ATLANTA and BOSTON, NEW YORK and the EAST. READ down. Via PENN. R, R. read up. South-bound. STATIONS. North-bound. 10.00 am 10.30 pm Lv BOSTON Ar. 6.50 am 6.00 pm 600 p m 9.00 am “ New York “ 6.55 pm 8.00 am 8.50 “ 11.20 “ “.. Philadelphia “ 4.45 “ 5.35 “ 7.10 “ 9.50 “ “ Washington “ 5.50 “ 6.30 “ 8.25 “ 10.55 “ “ Baltimore “ 4.40 “ 5.30 “ 11.50 “ 2.00 pm Harrisburg “ 1.55 “ 2.35 “ 6.30 am 7.45 “ “ Pittsburg “ 7.00 am 7.10 pm 12.55 pm 2.00 am u Columbus Lv. 11.45 pm 11.30 am 4.45 pm 6.10 am A.r CINCINNATI Lv 8.00 p m 7.25 a m 7.40 am 8.47 pm Lv CINCINNATI Ar. 6.00 pm 6.50 am 1.00 am 8.55 am Lv Chattanooga Ar. 4.30 am 7.00 pm 4.47 am 1.17 pm Lv Kennesaw Ar. 12.14 am 2.41 pm 5.51 am 2.25 pm Ar ATLANTA Lv. 11.00 pm 1.30 pm Pullman Palace Sleeping-Cars between Boston and New York without change, and Pullman Palace Buffet Sleeping-Cars between New York and Cincinnati without change. Via NEW YORK CENTRAL and BEE LINE. 5.00 am 3.00 pm Lv BOSTON Ar. 6.25 am 2.45 pm 9.00 “ 6.05 “ “ Springfield “ 12.40 “ 10.57 am 9.50 “ 6.00 “ “ New York “ 7.30 pm 10.30 “ 1.15 p m 10.05 “ “ Albany “ 4.00 “ 6.10 “ 50 “ 4.00 am “ Rochester “ 10.30 am 11.05 pm 45 “ 5.20 “ “ Buffalo “ 7.40 “ 8.00 “ 12.25 am 10.45 “ “ Cleveland “ 2.50 “ 2.35 “ 6.00 “ 4.40 pm “ Davton Ar. 8.50 pm 9.00 am 7.55 “ 6.35 “ Ar CINCINNATI Lv. 7.02 “ 7.15 “ 7.40 am 8.47 pm Lv CINCINNATI Ar- 6.00 pm 6.50 am 1.00 “ 8.55 am “ Chattanooga “ 4.30 am 7.00 pm 4.47 am 1.17 pm “ Kennesaw “ 12.14 “ 2.41 “ 5.51 “ 2.25 “ Ar ATLANTA Lv. 11 00 p m 1.30 “ Wagner Drawing Room Sleeping-Cars between New York and Cincinnati, and between Boston and Cincinnati without change. Connections made in Union Passenger Depot. Via ERIE RAILWAY and N. Y., P. & O. R. R 3.00 p m Lv BOSTON Ar. 3.00 p m 10.45 p m “ Albany “ 6.45 a m 2.15 p m 8.00 pm 6.00 pm “ New York “ 7.30 “ 11.25 am 3.53 am 12.15 am “ Binghampton “ 12.07 “ 4.26 “ 5.48 “ 1.44 “ “ Elmira “ 10.25 p m 2.47 “ 10.2-5 “ 4.40 “ “ Salamanca “ 5.23 “ 9.45 p m 2.10 “ 3.47 pm “ Springfiefd “ 2.50 am 10.43 am 3.25 4.40 “ “ Dayton “ 12.30 “ 9.52 6.45 “ 6.45 “ Ar CINCINNATI Lv. 10.00 p m 7.50 “ 7.40 am 8.47 pm Lv CINCINNATI Ar 6.00 pm 6.50 am 1.00 “ 8.55 am “ Chattanooga “ 4.30 am 7.00 pm 1.47 “ 1.17 pm “ Kennesaw “ 12.14 “ 2.41 “ 5.51 “ 2.25 “ Ar ATLANTA Lv. 11.00 pm 1.30 “ Pullman Palace Sleeping-Cars between Boston and Cincinnati and between New York and Cincinnati without change. Connections made in Union Passenger Depot. Via B. & O. R. R. 8.00 am 1.00 pm Lv NEW YORK Ar. 9.20 pm 1.20 pm 10.16 “ 4.02 “ “ Philadelphia “ 6.11 “ 10.47 am 2.30 pm 9.00 “ “ . Baltimore “ 2.15 “ 7.10 “ 3.30 “ 10.10 “ “ Washington “ 1.15 “ 6.00 “ 5.29 “ 12.28 am “ Martinsburg Lv 11.24 am 3.35 “ 7.45 “ 2.43 “ “ Cumberland “ 9.25 “ 1.13 “ 1.40 am 9.40 “ “ Parkersburg “ 2.30 “ 5.10 pm 4.40 “ 1.00 pm “ Chillicothe. “ 10.25 pm 12.38 “ 7.45 “ 5‘15 pm Ar... CINCINNATI Lv. 7.20 “ 8.25 am 7.40 am 8.47 pm Lv CINCINNATI Ar. 6.00 pm 6.50 “ 1.00 “ 8.55 am “ .Chattanooga “ 4.30 am 7.00 pm 4.47 “ 1.17 pm ‘ Kennesaw “ 12.14 “ 2.41 “ 5.51 “ 2.25 “ Ar ATLANTA Lv. 11.00 p m 1.30 “ Palace Sleeping-Cars between Baltimore, Washington and Cincinnati without change, Connections made in Union Passenger Depot. Through Pullman Buffet and Mann Boudoir Buffet Sleeping-Cars between Atlanta and , Cincinnati without change, connecting with above Sleeping-Car service for New York and Boston. First materfamilias —And you say you have hit upon a plan for keeping your husband at home evenings? Second 1 materfamilias —O yes, my dear and an excellent one, too. I have hired a young and very pretty governess for the • children, and in the evening I have the governess to come to the parlor be- . fore my husband has a chance to go i out. The governess, being there and , being a novelty, you know, he stays. When she retires with the children it is too late for him to go out on the plea • that he has an engagement down town , and I have him for the rest of the evening myself. First M.—l could never keep my husband at at home by such means. Second M. —No? Then can’t you try some other plan? First M. —The only plan I know of would be to set a bar in the parlor and sit and shake dice for the drinks with him during the even ing. Some doctors claim that hot water will cure anything. One thing is cer tain, however, and that is, it will cure a ! cat of singing under your window. Will Keep in Any Climate. “He —speaking of their marriage, “I think they both made a very good match.” She —“How can you say so? Why she’s brimstone personified, and he’s a perfect stick.” He; “Brim stone and a perfect stick —precisely the essentials to a good match.” Sir Pompey Bedell (poking the fire in his new smoking-room) —“This wretched chimney has got into a most objectionable way of smoking, and I can’t cure it.” Bedell, jr.—“just give it a couple of your cigars, gover nor —it’ll never smoke again.” First Tramp —“Strike anything in that house?” “Yes, I struck the old man.” “Get anything ? ” “Got kicked out.” “Perhaps he didn’t know your family.” “That’s where you’re wrong. He said he knew them all. He kicked me in rememberance of three genera tions.” “Well, what have you got for sup per ? ” asked Mr. Snaggs last night as he entered the dining-room. “Why, I have some biscuit that I made my self, dear,” replied his wife. “Well, bring them on,” said Snaggs, in a re signed tone; “I’m hungry enough to eat anything.” First Landlady —“I don t give my boarders hash nowadays.” Second landlady —“Indeed ! What do you do with your odds and ends of cold meat? You don’t surely throw them away ? ” First landlady —“Oh, no; I make them up into croquets.” Second land-’ lady —“Ah, I see; your hash is ideal ized.” Gilbert, the librettist, and Burnand, the editor of Punch, were at a ban quet. “Burnand,” said Gilbert, “I suppose you receive a great deal of’ tunny matter from contributors ? ” “Yes, a great deal,” said Burnand. Gilbert leaned over and with a serious emphasis, exclaimed, “Then why don’t you print some of it ? ” “You seem to like that Mr. Crim sonbeak who called last night,” said Mrs. Fussenfeather to her daughter. “Yes I do. He’s just divine.” “You seem tickled to death whenever he comes.” “Os course I am. He has such a funny little mustache, you know.” And then the mother, looking a little perplexed, thought and thought, and thought. Fond Boston mother (to daughter) —“Jennie, did you kiss young Gas kins again to-night?” Daughter— “ Yes, mamma; he’s justlost an uncle in San Francisco, and I was so sorry for him.” Fond Boston mother —“Well, Jennie, let this be the last; I’m afraid; if you keep on encouraging him with your sympathy, he won’t have a rela tive left in the wide, wide world.” They Come High—“ Confound these dressmaker’s bills,” said old Boggs to, his youngpartner. “I’ve just paid for Mrs. B’s last ball dress, and I tell you they come high.” “Come high ? * echoed the junior. “Not the one she wore at the musicale the other night— er —ahem I Excuse me, I was think ing of something else.” And the si lence could have been cut with a knife.. So English, You Know—“Ma, we’ll have to cut Sue Fitzpercy,” re marked Ethalinda DeWiggs yesterday afternoon. “Why so?” asked Mrs. De Wiggs. “Why you know she is get ting her wedding dresses made. Well, she invited me to look at what she called her traveling dress. Traveling dress, indeed ! Why, she ought to know that the English term now is going away dress.” “Yes., indeed, if she’s that vulgar we shall have to cut her, certainly.” -