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Sunbeams. A gentleman of color — a painter. A friend in deed— a real estate agent. It is the early turkey that gets stuck. Proper costume for an elopement— a cutaway j oket There is many a silent, throbbing corn beats beneath a nice dress boot. A husband should never judge the warmth of his wife’s love by the coldness of her feet. It used to be, “See that my grave’s kept green ” The new and popular ver sion is : “Oh, keep my ashes bottled, love. ” A Tennessee boy has been born with his hands behind his back. His mother will no doubt keep the pantry locked just the same. Bertie (on the way to station) “ Mam ma. I want to sneeze.’ Mamma— “Bertie, were very late now. You’ll have to wait until you get on the cars.” Dude —“Excuse me, Miss Sharp; 1 had quite forgotten you. I am so absen -minded, don’t cher know.” Miss Sharp ‘ ‘ Yes, 1 have noticed the absence of mind.” Can anybody ted why a woman always laughs when she is being weighed, while a man. during the same perforin nice, has a serious, if not an anxious counten ance ! “Does your son affect any particular school of art ?” asked the visitor. “No —yes—well; he’s painting a Belladonna for the religions art gallery,” replied the fond mother. A gifted poet writes: ‘ ‘ The devil arose from his little bed, and washed his face and combed his head.” We hope not to be considered profane if we ask where in hell he got his water? “Phats that?” said Pat to the glass ware dealer. “ That’s a set of opaque glass.” “Power’s! Shure Oi lived the most of me loif near the O Pakes, and never a glass had they, but a pewter pot.” “But, Marie, I thought you despised Mr. Simpson.” “So I do.” “Then what did you marry him for?” “So that he would stay down town evenings and not hang around me all the time. ” “Have you heard Miss Simpson sing since she returned from France ?” “Several times.” “Do you think she has improved?” “Very much.” “In wl lat particular ?” “She does not sing as much as she used to.” “ Do you ever sweep under the bed ?” inquired the head of the family of her young domestic while examining the spare room “Oh, yes, often. It’s so much easier than a dustpan, you know,” replied the servant. “I didn’t say, your honor,” replied the witness, “that the minister was in toxicated ; no, not by any means ; but this I will say, when last I saw him he was washing Ins face in a mud-puddle and drying it with a door mat. “Your little boy seems to be very in telligent,” said a grocer to a customm whose eighteen months old child had. in pointing, said, “jug jug.” “Oh, yes.” said the customer, “he knows what the jug is. He was born in a pro hibition town ” “We find in a recent poem that “she fell, alas! and hundreds wept.” We don’t believe it. If she fell, which looks reasonable enough, and there were hun dreds standing around, which we have no cause to doubt, we’il wager that every mother’s son of then laughed. Emma Abbott has purchased two young Florida alligators writes a Plnl ade.phia editor, “ out if she succeeds in teaching them to open their mouths as wide as she opens hers when she sings, she’ll have to put corsets on them to keep them from splitting wide open.” Overheard at a fashionable ball—“I do think my new dress-maker is just too perfect for anything.” “But I fancied the old one fitted yon pretty well, my dear.” She did nothing of the kind. Why this one can cut a corsage three inches lower and do entirely without sleeves. ” A boy placed a big apple on the front steps, and went across the street to see who would take it. A gentlem in who observed the action, said: “You shouldn’t do that, my son. Some poor boy may THE GREAT KENNESAW ROUTE GAZETTE. SCHEDULES —BETWEEN — Jacksonville and Atlanta, Via LOUISVILLE and NASHVILLE R. R. AND Cincinnati, Louisville, Nashvillle and St. Louis. North-bound FROM JACKSONV ,LLE - 700 pm 140 pm Lv JACKSONVILLE SF&W Ari 100pm10 30 pm 8 02 pm 2 25 pm “ Callahan “ Lv 12 l(i pm 9 50 pm 12 30 am 4 40 pm “ Waycross “ . Lv 10 20 am 7 57 pm 535am740 pm Ar SAVANNAH “ __-■■■■ Ar 642am4 32 pm 8 .40 am 8 10 pm Lv*-SAVANN AH CRR Lv 5 55 ami 4 07 pm 12 00 n’nll 15 pm “ Millen “ . . “ 310 am 130 pm 5 40 pm 3 35 am “ Macon “ . ... “ 10 50 pm 9 40 am 756 pm 553 am “ Griffin “ “ 829 pm 730 am 842 pm 647 am “ Jonesboro “ “ 739 pm 647 am 9 35 pm 7 32 am Ar ATLANTA. “ Lv 6 50 pm 6 00 am 11 00 pm 7 50 am Lv ATLANTA W & A Ar 6 37 pm 5~511 am 11 55 pm 8 42 am “ Marietta “ Lv 5 50 pini 5 05 am 12 14 am 901 am “ KENENSAW “ “ 531 pm 447 am 12 40 am 9 27 am “ Allatoona “ ....“■ 4 54 pm 4 23 am 1 49 am 10 33 am “ Adairsville “ “ 348 pm 325 am 225 am 11 07 am “ Resaca “ “ 313 pm 253 am 301 am 11 40 am “ 1 alton “ “ 240 pm 222 am 317 am 11 56 am “ Tunnel Hill “ “ 224 pm 206 am 3 36 am 12 12 pm “ Ringgold “ “ ' 2 07 pm 1 50 am 346am1225 pm I “ Graysville “ “ ] 57 pm 1 38 am 400am12 38 pm| “ Chickamauga, “ “ 140 pm 1 25 am 4 15 am 12 50 pm “ Boyce, “ . Lv 1 31 pm 1 17 am 4 30 am 1 00 pm Ar CHATTANOOGA “ Lv 1 15 pm 1 00 am 5 20 am 1 10 pm Lv CHATTANOOGA NC& St LAr TOS pin 12 50 am 8 55 am 4 15 pm “ Tullahoma “ . Lv 10 00 am 9 58 pm 10 25 am 5 33 pm “ Murfreesboro “ ... Lv 8 40 am 8 50 pm 11 45 am 6 40 pm Ar NASHVILLE “ Lv 7 30 am 7 50 pm j 7 45 am 6 55 pm Lv NASHVILLE L& N R R Ar 7 00 am ~7~25~pm 9 30 am 8 50 pm “ Guthrie “ .. . . Lvi 5 30 am 5 40 pm i 140pm12 30 am “ Henderson “ “ 205 am 1 55 pm 1 55 pm 1 30 am “ Evansville “ ‘ 12 45 am 12 45 pm 505 pm 740 am Ar ST. LOUIS“ “ 715 pm 710 am 745 am 720 pm Lv NASHVILLE L&N RR “ 700 am 725 pin 10 25 am 10 00 pm “ Bowling Green “ “ 450 am 500 pm 12 30 pm 12 24 am “ Elizabethtown, “ . . “ i 224 am 230 pm 220 pm 220 am Ar LOUISVILLE, “ “ 230am12 35 pm 6 40 pm 6 35 am Ar CINCINNATI, “ Lvi 8 20 pm 8 15 am ■■■■■■ Pullman Palace Sleeping-Cars between Nashville and Cincinnati, without change. Train leaving Nashville at 7.50 p. in. has Pullman Sleeper to Atlanta without change; also day coach through, without change and without extra charge. First-Class Eating Houses. Meals at Seasonable Hours. i The above line may be justly termed THE HISTORIC BATTLEFIELDS’ ROUTE OF AMERICA, the passenger traveling this route passing through or near the famous battle grounds of Port McAllister, Griswoldville, Jonesboro, Atlanta, KEN NESAW MOUNTAIN, Allatoona, (“ Hold the fort; for I am coming!”) Resaca, Rocky Face, Tunnel Hill, Ringgold, Chickamauga, Chattanooga, Tullahoma, Murfrees boro, and many others, nearly as famous. Train leaving St. Louis at 7:15 p. m. daily, has Pullman Palace Sleeping-Car, through North-bound Sleeper, without change St. Louis to Nashville. Train leaving Nashyille at 7.50 p. m. has Pullman Sleeper to Atlanta, without change; also day coach through, without change and without extra charge. NO OMNIBUS TRANSFERS* ALL TRAINS RUN INTO UNION PASSENGER DEPOTS. READ DOWN. REA D Ul\ North-bound. STATIONS. South-bouncE i 7 011 pm Lv .IACKSONVI LLE S. E& W . . Ar .... . .7.T.....7 8 02 pm “ Callahan “ Lv 10 45 pm “ Waycross B & W “ ,I 4 10 am “ Albany C RR “Ii 8 10 amAr MACON “ Lv 1 40 pm Lv JACKSONVILLE SF&W Ar 10 30 pm 100 pm I 4 40 pm! “ Waycross “ “ ' 7 57 pm 10 20 am 8 10 pm Lv SAVANNAH CRR Ar 4 07 pm 5 55 am 8 40 ami 3 35 ami “ MACON “ Lv 9 40 am 10 50 pm 11 51 am 6 47 ami “ Jonesboro “ “ I 6 47 am 7 39 pm 12 40 pm 7 32 am Ar ATLANTA “ Lv 6 00 am 6 50 pm 555 pm 750 am Lv ATLANTA W& -t Ar 551 am 637 pm 6 47 pm 8 42 ami “ Marietta “ Lv 5 05 am 5 50 pm 705 pm 901 am “ KENNESAW “ “ 447 am 531 pm 745 pm 927 am “ Allatoona “ “ 423 am 454 pm 9 23 pm 11 07 am) “ Resaca “ “ i 2 53 am 3 13 pm 10 02 pm 11 40 am “ Dalton “ “ 222 am 240 pm 10 19 pm 11 56 am “ Tunnel Hill “ “ 206 am 224 pm 10 36 pm 12 12 pm “ Ringgold “ “ 150 am 207 pm 10 49 pm'l2 25 pm “ Graysville “ “ 1 38 am 154 pm 11 04 pm 12 38 pm “ Chickamauga “ “ 125 am 140 pm 11 13 pm 12 50 rm “ Bovce “ “ 117 am 131 pm I 11 31 pm! 1 00 pm Ar CHATTANOOGA “ Lv 1 00 am 1 15 pm ; 11 45 pm 110 pm Lv CHATTANOOGA NC& St. L Ar 12 50 am 1 05 pm i . 3 25 am 4 15 pm “ Tullahoma “ Lv 9 58 pm 10 00 am I 505 am 533 pm “ Murfreesboro “ “ 850 pm 840 am 6 20 am 6 40 pm Ar NASHVILLE“ Lv 7 50 pm 7 30 am Elegant Sleeping-Cars between Savannah and Atlanta without change; and Pullman i Palace Sleeping-Cars Atlanta to Nashville without change. be tempted to steal it.” “That’s what I’m fishing for, sir. “I hollored out ’ the inside and filled it with mustard." I Are hair-brained people ever bald* headed ? The child’s doll is the earliest “saw dust swindle.” The tipsy man labors under the ■ impression that the world moves. The m >st delicate individual in the world, should he tread upon a lady’s i train, is liable to become a robe bust man. “ Yoost dook goot care mit your lager beer saloon,” says Carl Pretzel, “und so helup me gracious dot place vill took goot care mit you.” Human efforts to achieve certain aims, are very much like a cat trying to catch its tail. Just as we hink we are about to succeed, away goes the tail. Bagley—“Say. Bailey, do you know what Dr. Heidelberg is—allopath or homoeopath?’ Bailey—“l don’t think he’s a uoinoe >path—he’s away from home ■ so much.” , There is one consolation in being bald. When a policeman strikes you on the head with his club the doctor doesn’t have to waste any time in cut ting the hair from the wound. Grandpa—“ Tell me, Ethel, why de, you ha ve six buttons on your gloves?" Ethel— “Yes, grandpa dear, I will tell you. The reason is. if I had seven but tons, or five, they would not match the six button holes.” “Have you any reason to offer why sentence should not be passed upon you?” asked the judge of the female pawnbroker, who had been arrested for extortion. “Please, your honor, I throw myself on the mercy of the court I am a poor loan woman.” The Chinaman is not incapable of humor. Gin Fun, a S icramento laundry man, has joined the Anti-Coolie League, and posts over the door of his wishee ; house the sign: “The Chinese must I go. None but Mehcan man employed here.” There is fun in Gin Fun. Coroner (to widow) —“I guess we’d better hold an autopsv on the death of your husband, Mrs. Blinks. The death i was one which rather demands it.” Widow. “All right, but let it be a first class one. I know dear John would want the best or none.” I A certain devine who had wandered ! in the course of his travels beyond th • conveniences of the railroad was obliged to take to a horse. Being una scustomed to riding, he said to his host: “I hope we are not so unregenerate in these parts that you would give me a horse that would throw a good Presbyterian minister?” “Well, I dunno,” was the reply, “we believe in spreadin’ the gospel!” One day a publisher’s errand boy brought up from the cellar a trap con taining a large rat. just as a well-known society belle, wishing to look at one of Lytton’s most popular novels said to the new shopman, “I want to see ‘What Wdl He Do With It?’” “Very well, miss,’’ was the reply: “If you will walk to the back part of the shop and look out of the window you will see him drown it.” “This chilly weather makes me think of my poor dead husband, ” said a widow as she sat down beside a lady close to the stove. “He was always so cold, poor man, and he used to shiver and wonder if he would ever get warmed through. He was so miserable when he was cold, poor man, but it is a great comfort to me to feel that he is happy now.” ‘‘My husband is so poetic,” said one lady to another in a street car the other day. “ Have you ever tried rubbin’ his jints with hartshorn liniment, mum?” interrupted a beefy-looking woman with a market-basket at her feet, who was sitting at her elbow and overheard «he remark. “That’ll straighten him out as quick as anything 1 know of, if he haint got it too bad.” A well-known Baptist minister of a Western city relates that some time ago a convert was made of a somewhat ignor ant girl, and at a. prayer meeting subse qiientlv he asked her what she would do if she heard another girl reviling the Lord Jesus. Straightening herself up. she said \ “If she was larger nor me I would tell her to shut up; but if she was smaller I wou'd slap her right across the month. ” 7