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,J..WU m J UW.'-I'I.J- ' ' ' '-* < ■ 0 ' ' / fc i7’«* ’-’* ■ ? ^" . : ■ - ^ i ., ... : i # > ; . ■ • * .; ' - . <-j ,; >xj>' - , - ^ >&■* ' _ r ..--•/ .<..- . Best Wit and Humor by Famous Arflsfs for Young and Old COPYRIGHT. 19Q*. BI AMEIUCAN-JOCRNAI^Et a M , NrjL BRAGGO THE MONK. Copyricfat, 1907. bf Ameriesn-JoarnaJ-Eisnilner. The Fate of the Rubberneck Wagon By JAMES J. MONTAGUE. A bill has been introduced at Albany to abolish "seeing New York” wagons, F ROM Oshkosh, Kennebec, Des Moines, Tucson and Everglade, Came swarms of eager folk to join The rubberneck parade. O N padded flight* of stairs on wheels They hearkened to the tone Of learned and instructive spiels Propelled by megaphone. A ND ah I their hungry hearts would thrill When past the Tombs they rode. Or rumbled over Cherry Hill— Monk Eastman’s late abode. O R when their guide with unction spoke: “fn this here part of town We’ll maybe meet them famous folk, John Smith and Henry Brown." A RADIANT but wholesome joy Lit up each glistening eye, ! When J. H. Choate or Kid McCoy Came strolling idly by. C’ ULL harmless pleasuring this seems, i Both innocent and lawful. And yet the Legislature deems That it is something awful A ND great and wise Assemblymen Assure you, with a frown, j You’ll have to take the subway when You want to see the town. Handbooks for the Hurried By WEX JONES. Thit it the age of handbooht.—Weekly paper. y IIIS !■ no book for “mollycoddles.” The man who It any food as a * citizen will camp out for at least .'our months every year, and this book will tell him how to do It. In preparing for a trip to the Canadian j wilds do not make the mistake of carrying too much baggage. A light khaki suit, a pair of oxfonl «#OM, two pairs of open work socks, a pipe and a couple of pounds of tobacco, and a rood book, says the -Winning of the West," will be enough. For grub tako a can ot roast beef, which la "purer than the thoughts of childhood” since the Inspection bill was pasted. Dark and leaves enn be fonnd In almost ever/ forest and make excellent aalade. A tent la not necessary, but aome tender, feet like to have a covering at night An extra handkerchief wilt serve the purpose, a hatpin serving as ridgepole. Ouce In tbo wilderness, the hunter must keep on the qul vlve for game. Orlxallea arc dangerous antagonists for Inexperienced cltltena, but with a little care they may bo overcome. Wear light boxing-gloves when In pursuit of this game and avoid clinches, as the grlxaly has an unfair habit 'of wrestling and hugging to avoid punish, intent, lilt your opponent on the head until be la dated and then carry him back *° Bobcats are also bad things jo get Into a mix with. Itely upon quick footwork to avoid their Jumps, and try to catch them off their guard. Kvery morning before breakfast, which Is to be eaten at 3:15, practise n sprint of live miles. This Is DoecM.iry If you are to tun down the largo Canadian wolf. Soak your hands In aluin. as the wolf has sharp teeth and you may be scratched when catching him, THE HALL ROOM ROYS THEY DO IT ON $9.50 PER, Copyright. IbuT. by Aineriean-Jouroal-Ejunjiutx. AH-HAiufatf'UlETME ( C^ARMEb-REAlLTI AM introduce 1 -. Algernon / char-r-rmed totieet THE SON OR LQI roND.WU.BEAT.6uR SMOREfl TO NIGHT WON! TOU ALGT.VtNDYOU TOC H ALL ROfaM, IF WU HA' anythin— 1 DROP AR00ND!U®S5k|f£t \SM PER( ,1 WONDER WHA7 They Attend a Smoker and Try to Smoke Pipes. W’ Getting Back at the Opposition, ’Tho argument of my learned and brlt- Retumed. j Tut, Tut I Dividing the l ask. ihe^c*’ , * llt tower goes baek to William Man Is a mass of meandering microbes j The real dlvtsloo of Inlmr, as a husband ' ”WhE" 1 a lt the matter’ isn't It «ntl«fac.| » nd “ magnldccut bundle of biasing blun-jonce put before me. Is, "She says It and I tory?"—New Orleans Times Democrat. 'dors.—Baltimore American. I doca lt. - ’—The Blabop of Bristol. Squirrels make good eating. Th» proper sy to capture them ta by cllmbtng a tree ter t.ie nimble little fellows and chasing mem from branch to branch. When you vc chnsed them to the Inst brunch, you've got them unless they Jump. In this ease, run dow“n the tree .Vquickly that you'll be waiting to entch them before they hit tbs Sr Should you he attacked by Indiana, give the Carlisle college yell. Tho mollrccddle Is very likely to bo lost: 1Iaot co || t , a|{ n, •• , a ld counsel for the plain- i"„ ^affl «» I" a recent suit for damages from a a policeman which car jou should take for railway company, "Is like the snow now your camp. n falling outside—It la scattered here, there There Is nothing more exciting than call- [ BD d everywhere." ing moose. The “•rtngnantef walfci be-1 whereupon opposing counsel Improved hind a tree until 'the Wo°dtMr«ty crihis opportunity. "All I cau say," he has- approaches within easy f®®*e Ud then t uy interposed. "Is that the gentleman who Alls It full of lead from a magazine rifle. |, M likened my argument to the snow now The principal requisite for this s^ort is a failing outside has neglected to observe good memory, as there are J,000,0.3 moose on • lti Canada, and none of them will come un- - lest called by Its own name. Straphangers in Tucson. By WILLIAM F. KIRK. THEN the Arizona street cars started carrying people home. Passing poor and plodding Greasers, all compelled to hit the loam. Though the burros moved so slowly that the cars no more than crawled. There was civic pride in Tucson, where the system was installed. Bidden by the corporation to enjoy the opening trip. Came the Mayor and the Council, each exclaiming “Let *er rip T* Down the street the burros plodded while the Mayor took a nap— Then a member of the Council happened to behold a strap. ^ • S AID the member of the Council, “What's that strap arrangement fer?" “When you ridesaid the conductor, “that there strap's to hang on, sir.** Said the member of the Council. “1 have rode since eighty-five. And I never held no leather on the meanest bronc alive 1“ Saying which, he drew his cannon, and in twenty winks, perhaps, Arizona's pioneer street car was divested of its straps. ¥ ¥ ¥ Maybe many a little shop girl can sit down and take a rest When the marksmen of Manhattan match the marksmen of the West. JUST KIDS, Copyright, 1007. by AmericanJournal-Examiner. “You can’t never be President. You wain't born In this country.” -What do I care? I can be a prize fighter, can’t If” "Say, Mame, are you goln’ to be home thli even in'? I might call around.” “Then I won't be home.” Htfeiit’u nij urnuuifiii io tue muun at i2 outside lias neglected to obser little point to which I flatter mvs< similarity extends—It has covered i Below Zero Stories. j A Bangor man In his effort to describe the coldest place In the world spoke of a ' shed that was “too cold to keep wood In,” ‘and this was the limit until this corre- j spondence came In from Mount Desert con cerning the weather down there last week. ! A fisherman of Otter Creek says a big cod- j iflsh was so attracted by the warmth of at ! gasoline heater In his dory that it Jumped J Into the boat and tried to wrap Itself around the heater. It froze In a half circle, lied Jerkins, of Trenton, went to the barn j to water his stock, lie fell And upset the i pall. Before he conld step out of the water ; ills boots froze to the floor. lie had to I take off his boots to get away.—Kennebec i Journal. the ground In per's Weekly. very short time.”—liar- A Gambling Charity. Two servant maids attended a meeting of the Guildford Charity Trustees to throw dice for the charity known as "Maids' Money.” This was left by John How In 1074, and each year there U a competition for a check for $00. The dice throwera must have been employed for two years In one service In Guildford, but not at an Inn or alehouse. Laura Cadman, who had six teen years' service, secured tho check with a double alx, Emma Trimmer (eight years' service) throwing six and three. Trimmer will be allowed to try again next year.— London Telegraph. The Dictionary of Misinformation. WEX JONES, Lexicographer. 0 OAST, noun—The rlm of a country; devoted to bathing, drowning, flirting and being bombarded. DICE—Bricka for Satan's furnace. FIANCEE—Sweetheart in tinsel OOP—A dingbat’s niece. PHYSICIAN—OnT who charges yoo $2 for confirming -your belief that you don’t feel well POOL—A game In which one m»B pockets the balla and the money. Of Proved Honesty. A small town out Weat had for » h*f time a chief of police, one Alf Charcn, noted for hla bluntness and honesty. One day a grocer went to him for Informatlos about a certain Joe White, who hsd »P* plied for credit and a book at bis stora and the following dialogue ensued: "Good mornln'. Mr. Church.’' "Mornin*." "Do you know Joe White?” "Yes.” "What kind of a fellow It her "Pretty fair.” •Ta he honest?" _ „ lfl "Iloucst? I should «ay M. Been rested twice for stealing and aeqtuws both times."—Harper's Weekly. Except a Smile. Nothing dies sooner than a tear.—OeroM Proverb. The Musical Fly. A wrong note had occurred In the orches tra several times. The conductor In de- ! apalr commenced an examination of the J music of the respective Instruments. On looking at the first violin copy be spied a dead fly on the music. "You Idiot!" be roared to the French violinist, "can't you see that Is a fly on your music?" Worn 08. One day, after the brakeman had been pointing out the window and explaining the scenery, one of the passengers whispered to the conductor: "Conductor, can you tell we bow that brakeman lost his finger? lit steins to be a very nice fellow. It seems a pitjr ho should be crippled.'* ‘■Thqf*, III,? if. mu'lllt A FREE RIDE IN THE JUNGLE. Copyrifht, 1007, by AmericanJonnul.EMiqiMt,