Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page.

est Wit and Humor by Famous Artists lor Young and Old aXIKfllCAIV-JOnitWATeRXaMIffCR. BRAGGO THE MONK. Copyright. 1*07. b; Amsrlcsn Journal-Exaxniosr. ON THE SIDE. By Wex Jones. <twDMIRAL COGIILAN placed a horae- f-fl ahoe on the keel of the Veatal, J I doubtless as a delicate compliment to the Horse Marines. German artillerymen hare been practis ing firing at balloon* of which several were “sunk." For a time the ••multie'* had hopes that In the air they could do as (hey please—no speed limit* no anything to stop them. Hut now a quite common sol dier with a gun cau stop the gassiest bal loon that ever floated In the clouds. And there Isn't a perfectly safe and fashionable way to elope- The auto Is hopelessly e n<se. and nobody, not even a Io\er. can e Insensible to the menace of bullets at a mile above the ground. THE MUSE AND THE MAN. A pnetet» hag gued for divorce because her htmhnnd Inuffha at her tenet. YY7 HEN Smith came to breakfast his wife YV would recite • A poem of passion red hot, And Smith would protest that her verses were warm, But her coffee and biscuits were not. YV7 AS there ever a meter,** said she, YY "that was sweeter Thsn mine in The Loveliest Lass'>** And Smith would remark. "You don't write in the dark. By the meter that measures the gas." A ND when she bestowed on Her husband an oda To Penn, the Original Quaker," He'd say, with a sneer, "That doesn't come near To what's owed to the butcher and baker." /^H. Smith was a brute that the muse ^ couldn't suit— When listen ing^ to "Spring and Its Meaning." He'd say, "This here Spring doesn't gain me a thing— Why don't you go in for Spring clean* ing?" T HE churl was ao rash as to say corned beef hash With a poached egg placed lightly ! upon it Would tickle him stronger and stay with him longer Than an epic or lyric or sonnet. S O die poet's recourse was to get a divorce. To spend all of her time on her book; And Smith, who was left of his Sappho be reft? Oh. he smilingly married a cook. A DUKE’S DIARY. MONDAY — Met a beautiful American glH Jo-flny. $30,006,650.* love with her. WEDNESDAY—Made love to Ethel. I adore her. How I admire the free and frank wnya of the American girl, her de lightful breexlne**! THURSDAY—Proponed to Mr. Scrapple.! Told me to aee Ethel. Found a.rude young j business man with her. THE GENTLE SEX—By T. E. Rowers, •an-Joumal-Eximlner 7T VUE . heard You , WERE SICK SO l Just came over To CHEEK Too UP. How pale You look r Airs Jones Failihc awfu SHE CHANCED DOCTORS FRIMY . Poor THIN q THERE! NOT MUCH HOPE . FOR HER NOW i—^ Miss Browns Funeral is se FOR SATURDAY, HER SYMPTOMS WERE ALMOST THE SAME asYoi THEY Put foorA SARAH WHEEZE 1N A BOX LASJWEEK, I knew all alohc SHE WOtiLD NEWER } S.QET WELL / (I PASSED BY DIE I CEMETERYToOA' And the Flowers ON THE Q RAVES looked lovely f WELL I MUST DE CoiNq now, i hope My visit has done YooCood, I will Run OVER AND CHEERUP MRssmith.so.tataJ , \J3VSR THE RIVER / Comforting a Sick Friend. Encore Demanded. A yonng man,” aaid Mina Thomas, of ‘presented himself for hla be hern for n settlement of $16.000.000,. . .. . She aaid “Nit.” Horribly crude ways these 1 eltn,,n • t,on, • tnd fnne<1 l*noralnlonsly. To American girls have. I hla family, on fire to hear how he made SATURDAY — Announcement of Mias, ouf i,e wired: ^ir^'''iKn r ;?r^O ,h wV,h T rCiU: " •“.‘ion. .pl.nOld. Prof-on, «- pie. He an id, "Ethel runs her own fuoe-1 thnalaatlc. They wlah for a second In rnl.” Itnh! i October.’ "—Indianapolis Nows. Leaves and Men. You know the flne picture In Homer of the dead leaves wblcb fall to make a place for the young buds. It la as true of men at of trees: we havo our time and paaa away. Rebind our vanished youth germi nates the youth of others. Our children’s destiny ought not to be dulled by what there haa been In ours.—Revue dea Deux Moudes. An Even Affair. A Missouri lawyer tells of an aseanlc and battery caso that waa recently tried lu .1 Kans.-i* City court. To the first witness called the presid ing magistrate put this question: "Why did you not go to the aid of the defendant when the fl«ht occurred?" •‘Becanae," answered the witness with .1 smile, "| didn’t know which one of them was going to l>e the defendant."—Detroit Fres Ureas. Practical Men. By JAMES J. MONTAGUE. A RASCALLY rogue w»» Captain Kidd, a uofully wicked codger. Who flew to the breeze on the rolling teat the terrible Jolly Roger. 1 Red blood he’d quaff, With a hideous laugh, When a treasure ship he sank. And he’d slyly smile and wink the while his victims walked the plank. ' But always a lucrative trade he ran, For Captain Kidd was a practical man. O H, Jesse James in the early days .was a fierce and ferocious bandit! He went for your gold with a strangle hold and always managed to land it. No sentiment Could make a dent On the heart of this soulless thug. And he’d slip up by stealth on a person of wealth whom he presently purposed to plug. In these practical days he d be right in the van. For Jesse James was a practical man, ILL TWEED was a gent of a different bent, who never was luiowrf to B 1 shoot; But he spelled Success with a capital "S” and was always there with the loot. He loved to mix In politics Of a highly practical kind. And the graft that he got was the cash on the spot, which suited his prac tical mind. He founded the get-rich-sudden plan, . For old Bill Tweed was a practical man. A XD so, little children, if you would succeed in the struggle for *1 wealth and fame Let sentiment sleep in your bosoms and keep both eyes on the prac- j tical game. Remember the aims of the amiable James, and the feats,of the mar vellous Kidd, And think of the greed of the practical Tweed, and the practical things that he did. If you'll just bear in mind noble lives of this kind, and study their •ways note and then. It may be Jliat you will win name and fame, too, and grow into practical men. MR. El. Z. MARK DELIVERS UR THE BOND MONEY. Copyright. 1907, br Amrrlrsn-Joimiat-Examtnrr. timam 1. STRANGER—Mr. Mark, I'm the 8herlfT. You went on the three-hundred-dollar ball bond of your gardener In that caao of aa- ■ault and battery. The ease la now ready to bo tried, and I havo hunted high and low for the aforesaid gardener, and can't find him. He hat tklpptd.the town. 2. STRANGER—So 1 havo come to de mand you to deliver either the person or the amount-of ball. MR. E. Z.—This la remarkable. Thera must be aomt mistake. Will you kindly como with me and I will aaalat you In mak ing another search. I am aure I can find him. 3. MR. E. Z. (after an hour's fruitless ■earch)—Well, I guest ho HAS skipped out. The station master oaya ho taw him take the train for the city two hours ago. Here It the three hundred dollare ball, Mr. Sheriff. STRANGER—And here are your neces- ■ary receipt* and papers. Oh, don't worry; thle thing happens every day. •SV^ovlwvic- 4. MRS. E. Z. (on her return)—What do you mean? John, the gardener, haa jumped hla ball? He has done nothing of the kind. I sent him up to the city on an errand threo hours ago. Anyhow, that case doesn't come up until to-morrow. YES, here he comes now.. E. Z., you've been done good end brown THIS time, sure. Thstwasno Sheriff. Same Thing. A irseher bed a Ttry dull I'uptl whom be found eitrrmeljr difficult to lustroct In the loiters of tbo ilpbob't. “This I, letter A." espletnej the teacher for the teotb time, es be wrot*. It down on the blsekbosrd. “And tbl» letter B." b- west on putties down the errond letter of the alphabet. “Sow, my Imj." be began, sludly and eacounslssly. o. be turned to tbs otopld boy, “let me »,*• if you -’an re member them. What I. tblet pointing the Initial lettsr of the al|>L i.“ came the elo«f r-apoue t... scholar. "And tblaf .pi • teacher. Indication letter It alone," returned the pupt! I. • tuptd tare lighting up with tie saa .|ulck reply.—ituhrnj.n; ■lone." rel atupld far. L tie saa >iu * Latter u the druse ituiied the ’Let >r • i.intly. id. pleasure at Only Two Chop*. Recently n lady better versed In the realmg of philosophy than in kitchen lore accompanied a friend on a marketing ex- lsedition. M!m Uh. D. expressed her amassment when the butcher gave the price of lamb chops m 23 ,-cnta a poaud "Why." ska Insisted. "I ahoufd think Icho.na would very expensive, since each animal baa only two."—Harper’s. Where They Counted. A aqutre was examining s man on* bit talent* for the poaltlou of gamekeeper At laat be asked bow Uat would teb an >!d bird from another of ater blrtb. "Hr tfc* teeth f" "Rut (.4*1 ridges have no teeth." "I lm\U ** Judge. When Antoinette Is on the Job. Copyrlg&i. 190?, by Amcrlc«n-Jouni*l-Eismit>«r. 1. AXTUIXKTTK Mamma said I must keep stir ring this custard • » It wouldn’t bum. I do wl»b matiimt wouldn't go out and leave me to do the looking' oh. there goes the doorbell! I wonder * yon do? I've been In the kitchen gening dinner. Mamma I* out chopping and I'm doing the housework. Mamma aaya I’m gettiug to be an ex pert housekeeper. 2. ANTUIXKITH Why, llarrr! |io right in. I've been In the kitchen getting Mi ute girl* Just hate to do . _ like that. HARRY—I like to ace a girl who help* her mother, instead of thinking of nothing but dress. I think—. (iracious! ‘Where dqys that smoke come from? 4. ANTOINETTE—Ob, dear! Ob. dear! The custard is scorched, and mamma wiU be *> angry! 11 AHil\--Don't cry, Antoinette! It was all my fault. I shouldn’t have Interrupted you while you were working. Woman** Way. Ready to Be Banker. Hi* Idea. Black Snow. A Young Mountain. He—Oh please. Mile. Jeanne, do not call Investigation vt "black” snow, which The Kentish fat boy. Charter Law Watts," It Is a rare woman who ean have a He (about 11:30 d m 1—1 do wish 1 had •, H . \*r Dtiraud. fell In Uartnthta. writes our Vienna corre- of WoodcUun h. has just celebrated hla six- headache from eatin* mke an . she (coyly 1 -Oh. but our acquaintance Is apondent. showed that It was fujl of tiny teenth birthday. During the past year be L ' w n r , 10 afternoon money enough to travel. She (at fling a vt abort Why should I not call you that? black six-legged Insect* ("scow fleas"), ha* Increased hi *l*r. aud he now weigh* T*™? * ,r I D * f *‘* l®pr*sslon that , aw0 ,_\i 4r 1 not lend von rour car faraf- ••Weil chiefly l»ecaas* my name la Du- well known In the Alpiuc district*.—Londou 373 pounds. On hla fifteenth birthday he ah* acquired it in Slaving for her husband. y f a lend yon your car ^ont/’-Noa Loialra. Dally Mall. weighed 330 pounds.-London Dally Mali. — Atchison tilobe. *— - Boston Transcript.