Newspaper Page Text
The Rogues’ Gallery
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Other Methods Include Yawning Eight Tinies to the Minute, Studying Your
Watch, and Emptying a Bottle of Scotch or Rye on the Floor Between You
and the Speaker.
PROTECTING THE HUMAN
EAR
By JOHN LARDNER
F YOU read the newspapers you
may have followed the campaign
of Dr. H. Fulkin Snev against
functional cauliflower ear, also
r
known in medical circles as listeners’
disease or paralysis of the protest
gland or just plain silent suffering.
Doctor Snev has done great work
In this field. He was the first to dis
cover that the germ of the disease is
carried about and inflicted on innocent
victims by certain well defined carrier
types—fight managers, barbers, evan
gelists, traveling salesmen, authors, ac
tors, congressmen, etiquette experts,
etc. Once he managed to isolate the
germ, but when he got it isolated he
had to keep it around the house, where
it talked all his family into a state
of coma and refused to eat anything
but grade A milk and imported caviar.
So Doctor Snev gave up the isolation
idea and began to take down case his
tories of the various victims. The fol
lowing history is typical of one phase
of the disease (inability to hang up
the telephone receiver):
“Patient complained of splitting
pains in the occipital region, trembling
of the hands, nervousness at the sound
of bells. Slight fever, normal pulse,
blue eyes, blond hair. 32 waist (clini
cal note —quite a dish). Patient re
ported telephone conversation with ag
gressive carrier type (welfare worker)
as follows:
Patient: Hello?
Carrier: Is that you, Mrs. Z? This
Is Mrs. van Gans-Otway speaking,
how are you. dear, I want to ask a
favor of you, which I know you can’t
refuse, because you’ve done so much
already, so very much, I can’t tell yon
how grateful we were for your little
donation to the Fund for Homeless
Stoats. I wish you could see the work
we’ve done with that fund you’d be
so proud of having helped, why one
little fellow, a ferret, he was, really,
but he comes under the jurisdiction of
our work with stoats, we found him
the loveliest home with Mr. Squamey
er. you know they’re so happy to have
him they say that he’s bitten off the
heads of fifteen rats already and the
toe of one of the little Squameyers,
yes. so cute, and we wondered if you—
P: I’m afraid —
C: I know you’ll love to do this,
you have so much talent, it’s for the
pageant; you know the pageant we’re
running for the relief of Persecuted
Opossums we have a part in mind for
you, a lovely part with a costume, well,
just something you could make your
self, you know, hut you’d look so love
ly in anything, it’s a historical pageant,
you know the history of the village,
■we want you to be thej spirit, yes the
spirit of the Other Side of the Rail
road Tracks. You see the idea, it’s
just—
P: Really, Mrs. van Ans-Gotwary
I mean Mrs. Otway van Gotway, could
we talk about it some other time? I’m
expecting—
(’: We have a part for Mr. Z. too
1 know he won’t refuse, it’s an Indian
yes for the battle, the IndMins are
all killed' by the ancestors of Mr.
Schless and Mr. Fulton, I really don’t
believe Mr. Schless’s people were in
this country at the time but we must
make the best of it although Mr. Ful
ton says he won't consider it if Mr.
Schless —
“At this point,” according to Doctor
Snev, "patient reported severe trein
bling fit and suspension of conscious
ness. Revived five or six minutes la
ter to find receiver still in hand and
opponents talking strongly. Apolo
gized for reinissness and listened four
minutes more. Symptoms—bruses
and contusions about ear. paralysis
of will.
In a case like this Doctor Snev rec
ommends that the patient say. three
times, at Intervals of fifteen seconds:
“1 am now going to hang up the re
ceiver.” If the third warning is disre-
~ i. t
garded, the patient should proceed to
make good his boast as advertised.
Extreme cases require extreme reme
dies. That’s what Doctor Snev says,
and no one has a better right to talk
than this gifted scientist and horse
player.
Many people regard face-to-face con
versations as harder to interrupt than
phone conversations. It’s painful to
insult anyone to his face. But Doctor
Snev laughs and calls this a weakness.
He has listed half a dozen so called
“gambits” for cutting the enthusiastic
word-slinger dead in his tracks.
One of these is the “impartial gam
bit,” which should be thrown into the
conversation every half minute to con
fuse the speaker. It goes like this:
Speaker: So Edith was on horse
back that morning, you know she can
ride anything on four legs, and she
was riding past the reservoir, the
south end, when we met her. Well,
you know how it is. When you haven’t
seen a girl so
Victim: Some say one, some say
the other.
Speaker: I beg pardon?
Victim: Some say one, some say
the other.
Speaker: Well, Edith was on horse
back —
Victim: Some say one, some say
the other.
You will find that this device breaks
up the monologue in a nice way and
leaves no feeling in the speaker’s
mind except a suspicion that you
would be better off in a sanitarium,
which is probably correct.
According to Doctor Snev, this sys
tem always leaves bard feelings, which
may be all for the best.
Then there is tlm case of a tot of
my acquaintance, who has perfected
the waler-works system of interrupt
ing conversation. When his elders and
betters begin to weary him with their
talk he bursts into tears. This re
quires a strong set of lungs and ready
control of the tear ducts, but it shows
that a child of tender years can be
as smart as a fox, if not smarter.
Other methods include yawning eight
times to the minute, studying your
watch, and emptying a bottle of scotch
or rye on the floor between you and
the speaker. This latter device is
bound to fascinate him and check his
flow of thought through sheer horror.
The President of the United States,
of course, has a very easy time with
talkers. Etiquette requires everyone
to shut up and go away when the
President rises to his feet. This
sounds perfect, but it happened in the
case of President Harding that the gag
missed fire. The President didn’t know
about it. He remained seated for hours
at a stretch while two earnest parties
bit a hole in his ear and poured words
into it. The late Ike Hoover finally
tipped him off about his privilege, aft
er which Mr. Harding was in a verti
cal position practically all the time.
But these little anecdotes, though
they brighten up the story, have noth
ing to do with the average man. The
average man must fight his own bat
tle against listeners’ disease and cauli
flower ear. In this battle he has no
greater friend than Dr. H. Fulkin Snev.
Doctor Snev admits it.
“Though I say so myself,” he told
your correspondent the other day, “I
have done more to break off mono
logues than any man living. It's a
gift, a natural talent. Let me tell you
how it happened. As a child I was
highly sensitive to sound. I was a
beautiful child, they say 4 with large
blue eyes, blond curls, and a warm,
trusting expression that must have
been irresistible. People used to stop
me on the street just to pat my head.
1 won six contests for beauty and
charm, and I can show you the
trophies. I —”
“Where were you on the night of
February 7, 1912?” 1 asked suddenly,
realizing the horror of my predicament.
But the doctor’s tip did no good. He
is Still talking to me as as 1 write this
THE SUMMERVILLE NEWS: THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1936.
WASHINGTON NEWS OF
INTEREST TO STATE
AND COUNTY FARMERS
WASHINGTON FARM NEWS
CROP INSURANCE.
FACES DIFFICULTIES.
FACING THE PROBLEM.
AN ADVERSE REPORT.
(Special to The News.)
Crop insurance is a subject that
interests farmers and- inasmuch as
both political parties are supposed to
have endorsed the idea it might be
well for farmers not to get the idea
that it is at hand.
There are difficulties in the way
and many obstacles must be con
quered before we can have adequate
and satisfactory insurance that will
protect the farmer against the haz
ards of his calling.
For that reason, and in order that
all may understand some of the dif
ficulties ahead, we call attention to
an itemization of the study recently
conducted by the national industrial
conference board. It is worth consid
eration, whether one agrees with the
conclusions staged or not.
Here is what the board reports aft
er studying crop insurance:
(1) The price hazard —the practi
cal impossibility of insuring the far
mer’s cash return from his crops at
anything approaching a reasonable
premium rate.
(2) The actuarial problem. Statis
tical experience, even in wheat crops
is still so limited as to make the dan
ger of failure practically unpredic
table.
(3) The impossibility of obtaining
really accurate data covering farm
management and crop yields. Accord
ing to the census of 1930, more than
one-fourth of all farm operators in
the United States had been on their
farms for one year or less.
(4) The tendency for poorer risks
to insure and for better risks to re
frain from insuring.
(>5) “Uninsurable” acreage. Many
farms, especially in the western
plains section, experience definitely
subnormal cros in as much as two
out of three years.
(6) The moral hazard; that is, the
possibility that the farmer, once in
sured, will not continue to cultivate
his crop in a careful and diligent
manner.
(7) The problem of avoiding in
creased planting on increased acre
age merely for the sake of deriving
possible insurance benefit.
(8) The problem of whether it is
just to allocate loading or adminis
trative expenses—which may amount
to 20 or 30 per cent. —to the taxpay
ers as a whole.
(9) The difficulty of selling in
surance to the farmer at a price that
will cover all costs or even pure
premium costs.
(10) The advisability of encourag-
77tom. &IL cotne’ti wotld!
The ceaseless surge of progress \W|A By ihis means we are able to bring
has obliterated local boundaries. >'»" i"f»™ation and entertain-
vOl ment from all parts of the globe.
Horizons have broadened tre- Truly, thrOUgh this arran g ement ’ the
mendously. y world’s ever-changing picture is focused
Today the interests of every one of us I right into your easy chair.
extends far bevond the confines of our town, «.«<• . « i 1 •
extenas i y d o not s os a minu t e that we are overlooking your
our country or our state. deep interest in news about neighbors and friends ... in
If we are to keep in tune with the times, we must be day-to-day happenings in our own community. You
informed upon national and world developments. m ay be sufe t b at t b ese even t s w iH always be reported
If we are to have relief from the seriousness of life, completely and accurately.
from the fast and furious pace at which we are moving, ... , . ,
. , , , ._. • i But, supplementing the thorough local news coverage,
we also need to be amused . . . entertained. rr ... . , f ...
you will find in every issue a large number or excellent
To meet these requirements of today s reading public, features of the same high type as those carried by the
to give you a newspaper of which you —as well as nation ’ s leading metropolitan dailies. /
ourselves may be proud, we have commandeered the ,
resources of the world’s oldest and largest newspaper Some of America’s best known and most popular wntert
wodtaH. 4-.“#»***
ing public competition with private
companies now writing hail and frost
insurance.
(11) The difficulty of sustaining
the interest of farmers in periods of
normal or above-normal crops.
(12) The accumulation of a large
reserve fund. On the basis of insur
ing up to 75 per cent, of the normal
crop, a plan under consideration by
department of agriculture officials, it
has been estimated by private insur
ance officials that the government
might become liable for as much as
$2,000,(00,000 in a single year.
In view of these problems, the con
ference board concludes that the
feasibility of a government plan of
all-risk crop insurance is far from
assured; and that the dangers that
the entire plan may come under po
litical control, and be used in a gen
eral scheme of government control
of individual farm operations, are
very great. At the same time, it be-1
lieves there is unquestionably some I
justification in attempting to provide
the farmer with a measure of insur
ance again crop failures so serious as
to make it impossible for him to con
tinue operating his, farm. This is “ca
lamity” or a “catastrophe” insurance,
and is very different from plans to
insure the farmer a high pecentage
of his average crop return.
Proud Recollection
“You seem rather elated this
morning.”
“I am,” replied Mr. Meekton.
“Last night my wife mistook me
for a burglar. It’s the only time in
my life that Henrietta was actually
afraid of me.”
Tree-Climbing Lion
It used to be thought that lions
would not climb trees. A tragic
incident reported from Africa dis
proves this. A native woman whe
had taken shelter in a tree was
killed by a lion which climbed 15
feet to reach her.
Italy Paid Indemnity
After the kalian defeat of Adowe
in 1896, where 10,009 Italians were
killed or wounded and 7,000 taker
prisoners, Italy paid an indemnity
of 10 million lire to Ethiopia.
Papa Was "It’’
Teacher Name the seven won
ders of the world.
Johnny —1 only know one oi
them and that was papa when he
was a little boy.
Duncan Phyfe Pieces Rare
Not more than a hundred pieces
of genuine Duncan Phyfe furniture
are to be fflund in museums and
private collections.
Two of a Kind
Fresh—How do you suppose a fel
low with two Wooden legs can walk?
Soph—He probably just manage,
to lumber along.
-r—.
Every man lias three characters—
that which he exhibits, that which he
has. and that which lie thinks he has
ON DISPLAY SAT, NOV. 14
1937 Ford V-8
Trucks and
Commercial Cars
With two V-8 engines—the improved 85 horse-power,
and the new 69 horsepower—the 1937 Ford V-8 offers
a range of power that covers practically all hauling
and delivery operations. For economy and efficien
cy—optional axle ratios are available. To meet indi
vidual load requirements, there are three wheelbases,
a wide ange of body types and many other optional
items of equipment. One of these combinations is
bound to meet YOUR needs. See the new Ford V-8
units at our showrooms.
See the New Ford V-8 Cars For 1937 at Same Time!
HAIR MOTOR CO. Inc.
Summerville, Georgia.
FOR SALE !
c >
C a
£ a
£ .’
( A piece of property that will allow you to quit- j
£ work at the age of 55 and provide you with a pay- i*
:• check every month as long as you live. Sold on easy
terms. Price—just a few cents a day.
’. .’
£ a
£ a
’• If you want to quit work someday ask how you may
own this property. ’i
I
j M. L. SMITH, Repre. -I
X Summerville, Georgia ’i
I a
LIFE AND CASUALTY INSURANCE COMPANY
£ Nashville, Tennessee. •’
I£ Industrial Ordinary 3