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Special Instructions
Staving Off the Contract-Seekers
THE HAZELHURST NEWS
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PRETTY POLL
For a long time the loquacious man
{n the.barber’s shop had made com
ments on the appearance ¢f a parrot
standing on a ledge over a miprory,say
ing it was the worst stuffed bird’ he
had ever seen.
“Look at its legs!” he scoffed. *“No
parrot ever had legs like that. It
couldn’t stand on them!”
“Really?* said the parrot, lazily
‘seratching the side of its head.
CAUSE OF LONGEVITY
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~ She—You say your dad is over a
hundred year old? To what does he
attribute his longevity?
He—He was always a good dodger.
Night Clubbers
‘T'hee- lightning bug said to the owl,
“Though difference we display,
We sympathize. At night we prowl,
And stay awake all day.”
Division of Labor
“My friend,” said the artist, “this
picture here has taken eight years of
work.”
“Eight years? Why, it’'s only a
small one!”
“Well, it took six hours to paint it
and the rest of the time to sell it.,”"—
Swindon Advertiser,
Emphatic
She was lecturing on thé wrong of
poor down-trodden women. Finally
'she put this question:
“Is there in this hall a single man
who has never spoken an unkind word
‘to his wife?”
At once an old man jumped up.
~ “Yes, 'm that single man,” he said,
‘“and I mean to remain so?”
‘ DOUBLE CROSSED
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He—What was swrong in putting
those two X's at the end of my letter?
‘ She—That's double crossing me.
Onward and Upward
The aviator is so proud, ,
He seeks a lofty form of mirth;
He'd rather hit a thunder cloud
Instead of coming back to earth.
Appearances
~ “Your daughters have all made
charming photographs.”
. “Yes,” answered Mr. Cumrox, "1
' have learned to recognize them by
their printed pictures. In order to be
come better- acquainted 1 think I shall
i request them to assemble at dinner in
their bathing suits.” — Washington
‘ Star.
Hubby's Advice
Benham—l wish you wouldn't make
me pay so much for your complexion.”
Mrs. Benham—Why not?
Benham—Do you want people to
say that your face is in your hus
band's name?
— iy p—— el —
Fired!
“It is said of the late Apdrew Car
negie—" bhegan the efliciency expert,
-~
fmpressively.
“] won't have this,” stormed the
self-made boss. “If he was late dis
charge him at. once.”
GovE el
Popular Place
“Where is the most popular place to
live in this town?' as<ed the new
comer.
S “Well,” replied the local agent, “Il
should say, just off hand, beyond; one’s
medns. At ledst that’s where mos?
everybody seems; jo ve living.” ;
Ty et
3 Go!:l.u'n Ideas gogg%l'gw L
~_Fagher—lju’ syre’ our .boy did _got
Tidérit flfi ideas from me¥™
I Mother ucflJ,l—No. you've 5&9 got
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Poift of Comparhon. > TP
"Hard on’ thé Rust
Ronald McPherson, the rleh Pitts
burgh promoter, sald on his return
from Russia: v
“The Russian government’s moral
sense Is about equal to old Gobsa
Go'ld's sense of etiquette,
“Old Gohsa Goald, the profiteer, was
enting dinner in his tapestry-hung
dining room wlreu the bhishop ecalled—
for a subscription, you know.
“rhe bigshop came in timidly., The
butler and the four footmen in the
dining room awed him,
“Don’'t let me disturb you, Mr,
Goald,! he said. ‘I can call another
time, :
“‘No, no. . said.. Gebsa; =Take ea
chair, do. e R i &
i “And then he added with a polite
society Smile:
“‘You'll excuseé me not eatin' this
here rich puddin’ with my knife, bish
~f's so darn thin and sloppy.’” .
Wonderful
{The Princess Joachim Albrecht
about to sail from New York on the
Leviathan, said to a reporter:
“I think America is wonderful. You
pay the highest wages, yet you pro
duce the best and cheapest goods, I;
think it is a miracle,” S
The princess smiled and added: -
“It is like the German clerk's land-’
lady. The German clerk said, you
know : »
“Oy landlady is a wonder. We
had a 12-pound Westphalian ham for
supper last night, and she carved it
in such thin slices that after we were
all served the ham weighed 1414
pounds.””
Fines Returned to Speeders
If you were fined for speeding,
knew you were guilty, and were just
succeeding in trying to forget it, then
received a letter of apology and the
amount of the fine from the govern
ment, how would you feel? That is
what happened to a number of speed
ers in England recently. Scotland
Yard had eaught them in a speed trap
and fined them. Later officials found
that the trap was five yards shortér
than it should be. Even allowing for
the error the autoists were still guil~
ty of speeding, but the British home
oflice decided to take the sporting at
titude, return the fines, and send let
ters of apology.
Rich Deposit of Rare Ore
What is declared to be the only
known commercial deposit of brucite,
a rare mineral that can be used where
other magnesium compounds are now
employed, has been discovered and
opened to some extent near Luning,
Nev,, says Popular Mechanies Maga
zine. A prospector accidentally stum
bled across the #ore and at first had,
no idea of its character or its value.
He had samples analyzed and the find
ings were that the deposit may yield
a fortune for the discoverer.
The Prophecy
The late Avery Hopwood, the mil
lionaire playwright who was drowned
on the Riviera, was noted, of course,
for his epigrams.
At a luncheon in New York one day
a lady nodded towards an incredibly
pretty girl, and said: |
“Don’t you think she's lovely,
Avery?” ‘
“So lovely,” said the playwright,
“that T'm sure she’s got a past in
front of her.”
Yeggs in Hard Luck
Two safe-crackers retained their
amateur standing when they attempt
ed to blow a strong box at Oakland,
Calif. They did not get into the box.
Nothing was missing when company
officials checked up, and while one of
them* was searching for clews, he
found a S2O bhill one of the yeggs had
dropped in the excitement,
i\ Inevitable 1
“I'hear that young Whippersnap has
inherited his father's business. What's
he going to do with it?” ‘
“Oh, the wusual thing, I suppose.
Start in at the top and run it down.”
—Life, g
Thorough ‘
“After my daughter finishes chem
fstry we propose to give her a course
in electrical engineering.”
“That will be nice.”
“Yes, we wanteher to be a good
cook.” .
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| BLACK FL AG KILLS BUGS QUICKLY
iy e ¥ 15¢ and up.
‘;.-.T,,‘.' ; | POWDER Ok a T, oh @UIBF.Ce
5 { B T eSR
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Makes Life
Next time a coated tongue, fetié
oreath, or acrid skin gives evidence
of sour stomach—try Phillips Milk o 1
Magnesia !
Get acquainted with this perfeet an
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sound and sweet. That every stomach
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Phillips Milk of Magnesia has wor
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The name Phillips is important ; it
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Phillips Chemical Co, and its pre
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P Milk
of Ma,gnl esia
“What About Call Money ?”
The first inside. story of the Call Money
Market. . Who fixes the rates, its machinery,
its influence, dangers, etc., all interestingly
told. Ten cents in postage to
J. 0. JOSEPH & CO.. INC.
Desk A, 247 Park Avenue, New York City
: Gigantic Cofferdam
THe ~hrgest - cofferdam ever con
stfucted is now in use in connection
with the deyelopment of St. John har
bor, New Brunswick. It is 4300 feet
long by about 300 feet wide and in
closes one of the two new piers pro-
Jjected.
T » .
Child's Best Laxative s
“upali 2 . ”
California Fig Syrup
YY . :
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AN
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Hurry Mother! A teaspoonful of
“California Fig Syrup” now will thor
oughly clean the little bowels and in
a few hours you have a well, play
ful child again. Even if cross, fever
ish, bilious, constipated or full ot
cold, children love its pleasant taste.
Tell your druggist you want only
the genuine “California Fig Syrup”
which has directions for babies and
children of all ages printed on bottle.
Mother, you must say “California.”
Refuse any imitation.
——-—_'______________——'—:—-—————
Worried
After a recent censor meeting In
Chicago, all the picture pruners left
with newly sharpened scissors. Asked
if censorship was to be lightened or
not, one of the party replied:
“We cannot say, at present, We are
all looking forward with trepidation t
the first talkie of a golf match.”
A misfit bargain isnt’ fit for any:
thing, -
BLACK FLAG POWDER is the
deadliest powderinsect-killer
known. Blow it into the air
to kill flies, mosquitoes, ete.
Or into the cracks to destroy
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Noneescape. (Packedin glass,
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Black Flag Powder is partic
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on pets, or plant lice in your
garden.