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THE LINCOLNTON NEWS
VOLUME vn. NUMBER 36.
The Turkish Navy is rapidly falling in
to decay.
Chicago is determined to count a mil¬
lion in next year’s census.
The United States will not expend
more than $6,400,000 in ’making the cen¬
sus of 1890.
Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany is the only
sovereign in Europe, asserts the New
York Mail and Express, who is really try¬
ing to earn his salary.
The Chicago Times has discovered that
the United States is not adequately repre¬
sented at the Paris Exposition in the de¬
partments of the industrial and decorative
irts.
It is estimated that seventy-two Ameri¬
can citizens are worth the colossal sum of
>1,443,000,000. Th i , 1 .ju.,«,000,000
in excess of the total money circulation
af the United States, according to a late
Treasury statement.
“Let it be remembered to Washing
ton’s credit,” observes the St. Louis Globe
Democrat, “that he not only whipped the
British, hut also introduced that useful
and , picturesque . , quadruped, , , the mule, ,
into tliis country.”
L ■ ■■■ " ■
An influential Chinese recently pub
lished an article in a native paper of
Canton, holding' that if China would do
her own spinning and weaving of cotton
the foreigners would all be compelled to
leave, as the trade in cotton goods main
tains them.
Canada is not worrying . over a surplus,
The national debt was increased $10,
000,000 by the Parliament session re
cently adjourned, of which “$2,000,000
went to railroads, and other large amounts
to enterprises in which , . Members . of . Par- _
liament were interested,” states the New
York Graphic. j
j
Poole, Ole P e,, w„.
may be ranked as the Worth of mascu
Unity, charges the Prince of Wales noth
ing for his clothing, the advertisement of
Ms patronage being sufficient Theposi- !
tion of heir apparent to the English
crown is very much iu the nature of a
downy snap. ! j
t In many parts of China the Bibles .
given to the natives by missionaries are
used ip. the manufacture of cheap boot
loles. In the opinion of a missionary, *
the of literal propagation translations of the of Gospel by means j
the Bible, scat
tered broadcast, is attended with the
least measure of lasting success.
“Georgia’s position in the sisterhood of
States is both interesting .. and , unique,” . „
observed Governor Gordon in a recent
speech, “She was the youngest of the
tMrteen original colonies that formed the
Union, and Is, therefore, the honored
link in the family circle between the old
and new commonwealth of the Republic,”
Mr. Gladstone attributes his health and
vigor to . his habit of sleeping , , seven , hours
out of the twenty-four, and never think
ing of business after he goes to bed. Men
who are unable to sleep soundly and
haven’t the faculty of freeing their minds
from anxious thoughts would be very
glad to follow the English statesman’s
rule of life, if they only knew how to
do so.
Professor Forster, of the University
Opthalmic Clinic at Breslau, claims that
300 of his patients are suffering from a
chronic disease of the eyes, accounted
for by interruption caused by the wear¬
ing pf tight collars, and implies that the
national spectacles of Germany are ren¬
dered necessary by the national style of
neckwear. Here is a hint for American
iudes.
It is an undeniable fact, observes the
New York Commercial Advertiser, that
great railway jobs have grown less fre¬
quent of recent years. Dishonesty in
railroad management always has existed
and will probably continue to exist until
the millennium; but the days of whole¬
sale fraud, plunder and wrecking of
scores of great systems of railroads is
now past.
Two hundred and one votes against
and 160 for abolishing the hereditary
principal of the British House of Lords!
exclaims the New York Press. A change
pf twenty-one votes in the House of Com¬
mons would have meant a majority
Fortunately for the House of Lords, it is
still, as it was written in “lolanthe,”
doing nothing in particular, and doing it
very well.
Speaking of an elegant new railroad
station in Cincinnati, an official of the
road says: “Ifear it is too splendid. You
see some people may tMnk they have to
pay more for their tickets because the of¬
fice is so fine. Fact, I assure you. Lots
of people will be afraid they will have
to pay more for their tickets because of
tho style of the office. If the office were
a dingy, black little hole they’d think
tickets would be sold there dirt cheap.”
DliVOTEU TO THE INTEREST OF LINCOLN COUNTY.
AT SUNRISE.
Dark-mantled Night, the star-eyed and the
dumb,
Flees when she hears the Sun-god’s chariot
wheels;
When at her throat, from out his hand, doth
come
A javelin of light, she dying reels,
And her heart’s life blood, as it ebbs away,
Dyes crimson the white garments of the Day.
—Clarence Ladd Davis, in Lippincott.
A LUCKY SLIP.
BY Tiro WAS A. JANVIER.
A bar had formed off Warble’s Wharf,
so that a whaler could not lie at it, nor
anywhere near it; but this was not a
matter of any especial consequence, for
more than thirty years had passed since a
whaler and that wharf had had anything
to do with each other.
It was a wharf in ruins; and almost as
badly dilapidated was the oil-house that
, .
a gangway could be rigged directly across
3 s Mp's rail and into the big room where
tbe barrels of whale-oil were stored.
But these doors were never opened
now, nor was the little sliding wate?,and, door that
shut down fairly into the when
it was raised, opened a channel into which
a boa f c °uld be floated. Both of these
^ door 00rs were that fastened opened on on the the inside, wharf and the
1 was
fasteDe d with a padlock as big as a small
cabbage, and as rusty as if it had been
towed astern of the Harmony Home dur
* n & a ' vb °! e cruise,
oibhouTe. ,, U ie Harmony ° Home was the whaler
Sim had
sailed by Captain Tranquil Warble, and
Mr a long while she and her commander
tbe reputation of being the luckiest
ship and the luckiest Captain afloat.
Captain Warble was coining money,
fte Greyshells people said—Greyshells
was the name of the little port—and was
getting richer and richer every year.
Moreover, he was hoarding Ms money in
°°* n ’
“No banks fur me,” said Captain War
Me, “an’no reel estate, nuther. I tried
banks in ’37, an’ where was I after they
all broke, I’d like t’ know? An’ I tried
reel estate in ’50; an’ after th’ man I’d
bought it frum got clean off to Cali
t"' l“T£S
No, no! Hard dollars hid in a place that
nobody but mo knows about, thet’s my
s ^ e '. TMt s safe, an' thet’s sure!”
, ings uc kTttencled rim Ha^iny HomCscS
. but when tbe news came down
from the Northern seas the Harmony
Home had been nipped in the ice, and
had gone to the bottom with every soul
°n board of her, the Captain’s financial
methods did not make quite so satisfac
tory a showing, for the Captain’s widow
had not the least notion in the world
wbere the fortune in hard dollars, that
it> ^eZk^’ and in all the Mal/the'ukT/places unlikely for
could think of—and places that she
she thought of a good
many—but not a trace of it did she find.
At last, while she was still looking for it,
she
Then her daughter, * Miss Ruth Warble
_ who was the a young gM and very
energetic, though that seemed hard to
believe now—began tbe search. And
Huth spent all of her youth and most
or her energy in searching; and here she
was now, forty years old and looking
fifty, with her fortune as safely hidden
as ever, and herself as poor as anybody
could be outside of the town farm,
Miss was 3 t hia ’ sou ^' shar P
tougued , little woman, but 1 the Greyshells
peo pi ei who were very sorry for her, said
that it was no wonder that she was so
thin, when she got so little to eat, and
that she was the less to blame for her
sourness and sharpness than she would
have been had her temper been less
sorely tried.
For Theodore Rodford—widely and,
I am pained to add, somewhat unfavor¬
ably known, as “that Teddy Rodford”—
the old oil-house down on Warble's wharf
had a wonderful attraction. He had
peeped through the cMnks in the boards
time and again, and what he had seen
inside had made him wildly eager to ex¬
plore it thoroughly.
For strewn about the floor were old
harpoons, and piles of delightful ropes,
and big and little blocks and oars. He
was almost certain that he could make
out among the shadows, under the stair¬
way leading to the sail-loft that was over
the store-house, a little brass cannon,
partly covered with a bit of old sail,
Thinking of that cannon, and of what
he could do with it if he only could get
bold of it, sometimes kept him awake at
night. He even had tried on several oc¬
casions to make friends with Miss Ruth,
to the end that he might gain per¬
mission to investigate this delectable
place. Once, when he discovered the
Barkum’s pigs in Miss Ruth’s garden,
and drove them out before any great
harm had been done—he almost had suc¬
ceeded.
To Miss Ruth, iu her poverty, the loss
of her garden stuff would have been a
very serious matter. She was truly
grateful to Teddy for saving it, and told
him so with some warmth. Indeed, she
even went so far as to add the somewhat
equivocal compliment that “it was a com¬
fort to know that he wasn’t bad all the
time, anyway.”
Being thus encouraged, he was em¬
boldened to ask her if she wouldn’t,
sometime or other, let him take a look
around in her oil-house. And Miss Ruth,
still mellowed by her gratitude, said al¬
most kindly that maybe sometime cr
other she would.
Nye’s Wharf, down on the Point, was
where the boys usually went in swim¬
ming. Warble’s Wharf was nearer, but
because of the bar the swimming was not
very good there, even at Mgh water; but
it happened, one hot June day, that
Teddy felt too lazy to walk all the way
down to the Point, so he thought that he
would just step down to Warble’s Wharf
and get cooled off a little. He whistled
LINCOLNTON, GEORGIA, FRIDAY, JULY 12, 1889.
for Noah Barkum, but as Noah did not
hear him, he had to go alone.
AJthoughit was low water and the bar
was bare, there was a cool-looking pool
just in front of and shaded by old oil
house, and into this pool he settled down
very comfortably. 'While he was sitting
on the sandy bottom in this pleasant place,
with only his head out of water, he made
a very exciting and delightful discovery.
It was dead low tide, and the stone
foundation wall of the oil-house was bare
clear down to the tops of the piles on
which it rested. The sliding door was
out of water entirely. To his joy,Teddy
perceived that so large a part of one
corner of this door had been knocked
away—probably by a bang from the nose
of some badly steered boat in a long-past
time —that a boy twice us big as he was
could wriggle through the hole!
It is only just to Teddy to state*that
he did debate briefly with himself the
proprietory of taking advantage of his
discovery, and it also is but just to add
that on this occasion his logic and his
conclusion were equally unsound. Miss
Ruth frequently had forbidden him to
climb over her fences, he admitted, ’ but
she never, he reasoned, had said a word
about forbidding him to go through holes
in her doors. Indeed, so far from hav¬
ing said that he must not enter the oil
house, he had her own word for it that
perhaps some day he might go in there.
Very likely, he thought, she might have
meant to take him in that very day, and
had forgotten about it, iu which case, of
course, she would be glad to find that her
forgetfulness had been set right by his
own energetic action. Of course, this
settled the matter; he would be very
sorry, he thought, that Miss Ruth should
be uncomfortable on his account!
He gave a look up and down the river
to see if anybody in a boat was in sight—
a curiously anxious look, considering that
he had so well convinced himself that
what he was about to do was just what
Miss Ruth wanted him to do- and then,
having assured himself that the coast was
clear, he slipped out of the water and
across the bit of bare sand, and through
the hole,
He found himself in something like a
little open dock in the floor of the oil
house ; evidently a place where, in for¬
mer times, a boat had been kept. Steps,
black and rotten with age, led to the
level of the floor. Upon these slippery
steps Teddy went gingerly. His first ob¬
ject of investigation was the shadowy
place under the stairway. He found that
he had been right, It was a cannon, a
little six-pounder, such as whalers used
to carry to fire signals with, and it was a
regular little beauty.
If he only could manage to get the use
of that cannon for the approaching Fourth
of July, he thought,how gloriously could
he celebrate that glorious day!
He did not stop to examine the other
interesting things which were scattered
about him. With these, thanks to his
frequent peepings through the tracks, he
already was tolerably familiar. The sail
loft was an undiscovered country that he
longed to explore, so up the stairway that
led to it he went, two steps at a time.
The loft was far lighter than the room
below, for the sunbeams came through
the tracks in the roof as well as through
the cracks in the walls. It was a great
bare place, with some old sails piled up in
one corner, little some sail-making gear still
lying on a bench, and some chalk
marks still on the floor that doubtless
showed the exact cut of the Harmony
Home’s last suit of sails.
Teddy next caught sight of a delight¬
ful little tub of a boat, standing close to
the side wall at the end of the building
nearest to the water, carefully chocked up
on blocks so that it stood on an even
keel. The oars, and a little mast with
the sail wrapped around it, lay fore and
aft on the thwarts; and the rudder, all
ready to be shipped, was lying in the
stern-sheets.
Running tackle was rove to rings in
the bow and stern, and to stout hooks iu
the ridge-pole of the roof. The ends of
the lines were coiled away neatly over
belaying-pins in two of the upright
beams.
Then Teddy perceived that a great
trap-door, rigged with counter-weights,
opened in the floor just over the little
dock below. Obviously, this was the
identical boat for which the dock had
been built.
So here the boat was, in perfect order
—except her seams had opened a little,
and that would be all right when she had
been a day or two in the water—and with
everything ready for lowering her down
into the dock once more, and away for a
jolly cruise!
As he thought of what fun ha could
have iu that boat—along with Noah
Barkum and Lem Harbud and Pud Nye
and, perhaps, Sam Wyburn—he forgot
everything else in the world; even the
little brass cannon and the Fourth of
July.
He wanted to go right to work at
swinging the boat up by the tackle and
then lowering her through the trap door,
but he found, to his surprise, by the way
that the light was fading that the sun
must be nearly down. Accordingly he
went down stairs again, and found that
the tide was half in, and that the hole in
the door was a foot under water.
There was a pin that held the door
down, and when he had pulled this out
he found that he could raise the door
easily—for it, also, was hung with coun¬
terweights—so he got out without diving,
and pulled the door down again. Even
at high tide he saw the water would not
be much more than two feet deep. Now
that the door wa3 not fastened he would
roll up his trousers and wade in whenever
he chose to.
After he had got out of the oil house,
and into his clothes again, Teddy had
some twinges of conscience in regard to
the liberties that he had been taking with
Miss Ruth YVarble’s property, These
twinges were but feeble ou the following
morning, however, and he scarcely could
eat his breakfast, so eager was he to get
to work at setting the little boat afloat.
Anyhow, he thought by way of salve
to his conscience, it would be good for
the boat to put it in the water and swell
its seams tight. He decided that it would
be time enough after he had performed
this useful and friendly act for the im
provement of Miss Ruth's boat to ask
Miss Ruth’s permission to go out in her.
He hesitated a little-as to whether he
should not take Noah along with him, but
I finally decided that there would be more
excitement in doing this part of the work
alone, and then springing his discovery
on Noah and the other boys when the
boat was all ready for her first cruise.
It was just half-tide when he went
down to the wharf and there was only
about a foot of water at the sliding-door.
He was barefooted to start with, and it
did not take him many minutes to roll up
Ms trousers, slip down the edge of the
wharf, open the door and shut it behind
him, and then scamper upstairs to the
sail-loft. It was the most splendid thing
that he ever had anything to do with, he
thought; and he was so excited over it
that he quivered from head to foot.
It is possible that Teddy would have
quivered still more violently, had he
known that Miss Ruth Warble had liap
pened to see him go down on her wharf
and then disappear over the edge of it—
that she had felt instinctively that some¬
thing was going wrong, and had made
up her mind to go down to the wharf her¬
self, as soon as she had finished paring a
panful of June apples, and see what"he
was up to.
Notwithstanding his excitement, Teddy
went at his work very judiciously. His
plan was to swing the boat up by the
and tackles—hauling alternately at the bow
stem, and making each line fast to
its belaying-pin before he went at the
other—until she was free of the chocks
and high enough above the floor for the
trap-door to open; then, keeping a couple
of turns of the ropes around the belaying
pins so that the boat would not get away
from him, lower her first at the bow and
then at tlxe stern until he had her safe in
the dock below.
This was a good plan, but he encoun¬
tered serious difficulties in executing it.
The bow came up all right, but for'the
life of him he could not budge the stern.
This was discouraging; but Teddy was
a lad of expedients, and had not lived all
his life on the seashore without learning
something about rigging.
There were plenty of blocks and ropes
lying around, and it did not take him
long to rig a snatch-block to a beam and
to the end of the line that he had been
hauling on. With this double purchase,
by putting out all of Ms strength, he was
able to raise the boat’s stern.
It was the queerest tMng in the world,
he thought, that the stern of that boat
should be so heavy. It seemed as though
it were made of solid iron. At last he
got the boat clear of the chocks, and got
the line made fast just in time to meet
the jerk on it that came as the boat—now
hanging free by the falls from the ridge¬
pole of the roof—swung across nearly the
whole width of the loft, with such
lunge that the ridgepole bent and cracked,
and the whole framework of the old oil
house swayed as though it were coming
down by the run.
Teddy was glad to take a good rest at
tMs stage of the proceedings, while the
boat swung backward and forward, like
a great pendulum, flasMng through the
rays of sunlight. The particles of dust
which the jar had shaken loose from
everytMng danced up and down these
sunbeams, and also danced up Teddy’s
nose and set Mm to sneeziug at such a rate
that he thought he should sneeze his head
off.
By the time that the boat had stopped
swinging, and hung steadily by the falls
just clear of the floor, he was pretty well
rested and ready to go to work again. To
open the trap-door he must raise the boat
about six feet. He went at the ropes with
a will, hauling away easily at the bow
fall, and tugging at the stern-fall, with
the double purchase, with all his might.
At last the bow was Mgh enough, and one
more tussle with that dreadfully heavy
stem would make everything clear foi
Mm to open the trap-door and lower
away.
At about this time, also, Miss Ruth
had finished paring her pan of Juue
apples.
Teddy strained away at Ms tackle with
all his strength, stopping to rest and to
puff like a porpoise after each round, but
gaining steadily. At last the boat swung
level, a clear six feet above the floor, and
victory was almost within Ms grasp.
It was just as he had reached this al¬
most triumphant point in his labors, and
had turned to make the rope fast to the
door—at belaying-pin while he opened the trap¬
this critical moment Miss Ruth
Warble’s spectacled face showed at the
top of the stairs, and Miss Ruth Warble’s
sharp voice exclaimed:
“Why, Teddy Rodford! Of all ere
ated things, what badness are you doino
here?”
Teddy jumped as if ho had been shot.
The rope slipped from his hands and
whizzed through the blocks, and that tre¬
mendously heavy stern of the little boat
flashed downward through the sunlight.
With a bang and a crash of splintering
wood, it _ beam
struck a with such force
that the old oil-house swayed and trem¬
bled and seemed in a fair way to fall to
pieces there and then.
With this banging and crashing was
also a astonishing most curious, jingling sound"; and
very was its cause. Aa the
stern of the boat struck the beam, the
stern-sheets were broken all to pieces, and
out of the stem-locker poured a stream oi
gold and silver coins which jingled as
they fell, and which blazed and glittered
as the sunbeams touched them wMle they
went rolling every which way over the
floor.
In the silence which followed this out-! '
burst of noise, Miss Ruth Warble and
Teddy Rodford just stood and stared at !
each other, across more silver and gold, !
andfive-dollar gold pieces, and ten-dollar
pieces, and even twenty-dollar pieces,
than either of them ever had seen any
where,'and certainly more than they evei
were likely to sec again loose on the floor
of a sail-loft.
And so the lost fortune that Capt.
Tranquil Warble had hidden in this queer
place, before he sailed away in the Har
mony Home to his death in the northern
seas, was found at last Youth's Conn 1
panion. j
“Knows the ropes”—The able seaman.
j BDDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES PROM
! VARIOUS SOURCES.
j
Alas!—A Questionable Denial—The
j I'ast Was Secure—As Far as
She Had Been—The Same
Stick, Etc.. Etc.
; I had told her that I loved her,
She had whispered me the same:
Then in innocent flirtation
I was caught. The climax came.
She demanded back her letters;
And iu7 mind is in a whirl,
For by some mistake I sent her
Letters from another girl.
A QUESTION ABLE DENIAL.
Brown—“I understand that you told
Wells that I am a regular chump.”
Jones—“Nothing going of the kind, sir. I’m
not round telling the public what I
think .”—Omaha World.
THE PAST WAS SECURE.
Full Blown Rose—“What a pity, dear,
you are engaged so young. Y'ou will
never have the fun of refusing a man.”
Bud—“No, but I’ve had the fun of
accepting one.”.— Life.
AS FAR AS SHE HAD BEEN.
Omaha Teacher—“What influence has
the moon upon the tide?”
Omaha High School Girl—“I don't
know exactly what influence it has on the
tied, but it has a tendency to make the
untied awful spoony.”— Omaha World.
THE SAME STICK.
Lady Finehealth (at hotel entrance)—
“No, I have no money to spare for you.
I don’t see why an able-bodied man like
you should go around begging.”
Lazy Tramp—“I s'pose, mum. it's fer
about the same reason that a healthy
woman like you boards at a hotel instead
of keepin’ house .”—Few York Weekly.
WOULD NOT CHANGE WITH G. W.
“Johnnie, my hoy, wouldn’ you have
liked to have been Georue Washington?”
“Naw.” :
•Ro. And why,
never seed a baseball game in bis :
life.’ Lincoln (Feb.) Journal.
SUSPENDED EVOLUTION.
He—“Aw, weally, Miss Blossom, do
you believe man sprang from the ape?”
She (very tired of Ms attentions)—
“Yes, I presume some men have,
there are others who have never yet made '
the spring, or at least never sprang very
‘ ar- ’ Burlington Free Press. j
A GREAT SPEECH.
Webster, Daughter—“Talk about your Tlanipl
Henry Clay, Everett, Calhoun, j
etc., than pshaw! Henrymadea better speech !
any of them last night.” j
Father—“What did he say?”
Daughter—“Hesaid: ‘Nellie, I love i
you; I have three millions. Will you i
have me?”’— Epoch.
TWO DIFFERENT IDEALS.
Visitor—“Why are you ervinsr. ' ' Tom¬
my?”
Tommy—“Because mamma won't let
me wear my hair lonu. ■
Visitor—“O, vou want to look like lit- I
tie Lord Fauntleroy, don't you, dear!”
Tommy—“Naw; I want to look like !
Buffalo Bill .”—Chicago Journal. | !
AWAITING HER CHANCE.
-“I Elderlv understand Spinster (at Navy you'are Department) j !
that to
»,* - - ...
Official—“Yes, madam, we are.”
sit Elderly S P inster-“Well, nofgoingto I guess, I’ll
down and wait. 1’m
throw away any such chance as this,”
BOTH OF THEM CONFUSED.
They were passing under the elevated
railroad, and the din overhead was al¬
most deafening,
“This bustle makes my headache,” she
said.
“Probably,” observed he, “if you were
to wear a smaller one.”
“Sir!” she indignantly cried, “I mean
the noise confuses me.”
“I beg your pardon,” stammered he,
“I am confused too.”— Time.
incorrigible.
T Lawyer—“Your share . of . the , estate,
su is one dollar and there it is.”
Prodigal—“Thank you, Mr. Brief, j
TMs unexpected windfall quite over
whelms me Will you not help me to
celebrate the occasion by joining me at
dinner: I know where we can get a
splendid d'hote for a dollar. ”— Bazar.
WAYS AND MEANS.
Uncle Midas (to young scapegrace
ward)—“What, more money? My dear
boy, your extravagance is something
amazing. Go to the ant, thou sluggard,
consider her ways and-”
Young Scapegrace—“Ah! that’s just
it, nunky; I do consider my aunt’s ways,
but I consider my uncle's means .”—Town
Topics.
A LABOR SAVING DEVICE.
Storekeeper—“Mr. Fogg, let me show
you our new ash sifter. It is a wonder¬
ful labor-saving machine.”
Fogg—“No, thank you. If I should
W “ ne > Mrs. Fogg would be getting me
to sift the ashes, on the ground that with
your machine it is so easy that I could do
it; i ust as well as not .”—Boston Tran
script.
HOW HE KNEW HE WAS OF AGE.
A. D. Marsh was judge aPthe primary
Monday. A young, smooth-faced fellow
offered Ms vote, and Marsh asked him
if he was old enough to vote.”
“Yes,” says the fellow, “I am twenty
one.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, I have had the seven-year itch
three times,” was the response .—Celina
.{Ohio) Observer.
tJISHEAKD OX IN HIS PROFESSION.
First Club Idler—“What does this
meant The paper says that Rococo, the
well-known architect, is in the insane
asylum.”
Second Club Idler—“Oh, yes; he
drew the plans for a house to cost $25,
000, and it cost only $20,000. A com¬
mission was at once appointed which de¬
clared Mm insane.”
STANDING ON HER DIGNITY.
Husband (alarmed)—“Emily, then
seems to be a smoke coming up through
the floor. Run and tell the lady on the
flat below. SometMng’s afire in her part
of the building! Quick! Quick!”
Wife (cold and stately)—“Cyrus, I’ll
never do it in the world. We’ve lived
three months in this flat, and she has
neverc ailed on me .”—Chicago Tribune.
A CATASTROPHE FOR THE TRAMP.
Mrs. Youngwife—“Oh, George, I've
got something dreadful to tell you!”
Mr. Youngwife—“For pity's sake,
what is it?”
Mrs. Youngwife—“I made a pie for
dinneT and set it out on the back stoop.
A tramp came along and stole it.”
Mr. Youngwife—“Dreadful indeed!
Poor fellow !”—Burlington Free Press.
HOW jack won the geog.
Here is our old salt's story of how he
got a glass of grog: When at the wheel
Captain South says:
“How does she head?” ___ i
^Southeast s ^ ut ,, “ erl 7; by Captain son^*, , South. half s S , a
" * ®°* ber ' s totbat > m ? m—-• and
0U sbail have a £ la - s of POgf say^ the
> Ca P ta “’
,
AN UNFORTUNATE MISTAKE.
“The fish were very nice. William.
But how did you come to catch fresh
mackerel in Fox Lake?”
“What's that! What do you mean?”
“I mean that you have deceived me.
You never went fishing at all.”
“Of course I did.”
“No, you didn't. It was a stupid
blunder of the fish market to send fresh
mackerel instead of black bass, wasn't it?
We will talk this matter over later, If
you can explain your week's absence in
any better way than that you are leading
a double life I shall be very glad of it.”
—Chicago Herald.
-
thought his pa could work miracles.
In the train.—“Georgie,Georgie!mind,
vour hat will be blown off if vou lean so
far out of the carriage.” Paterfamilias
(quickly snatching the hat from the head
of refractory youngster, and Mding it be¬
hind his back)—“There now, the hat has
gone!” Georgie sets up a howl. After
a while, his father rem arks: “Come, be
fiMet; if I wMstle your r hat will come
back again.” (Whistles and replaces hat
on boy's head). “There, it's back again,
y° u ^While the parents are engaged
m conversation, Georgie throws Ms hat
out of the window, and says: “Pa,
wMstle again?”— Argonaut.
A POINT USUALLY OVERLOOKED.
The youthful heir to a Walnut Hills
ancestral establishment is of an inquiring
tnrn of mind and directs his attention
specially to the elucidation of religious
problems. Last week he heard a Sunday
school address on “The Prodigal Son.”
Just what the small boy thought of the
address his father was curious to learn,
and so he said to him that night at sup
P er: .“ M ? s “’ teU “ e T^ ch °* **»
characters m the parable of the prodigal
perfect nonchalance “I tMnk I’d feel
calf. ^ed -Cincinnati to sympathize Commercial. most with the
THE OLD MAN’S LITTLE MISSION.
“What is your mission here, sir?”
asked the old man with a frown.
“I am on three missions, sir,” replied
poor young man, who was also a hu¬
“Well, what are they?” inquired the
mau, impatiently.
‘ "Per-mission to marry your daughter,
ad-mission to your family circle and sub
mission to the recrulations of your house¬
hold.”
“Ugh!” grunted the old man, who was
something of a joker Mmself. “I have
one little mission to offer before I con
elude mv arrangements with vou.
iti » cried the poor 'youmr man,
easrer]r . wm be only too glad to
pe jf or m j t .
‘ri)is-mission!” shrieked the old man,
with a lolld , discordant laugh, and the
poor y0UDS r man fell in a dead faint at his
feet.— Washington Critic.
OKLAHOMA HOTEL RULES.
Gents goin’ to bed with their boots on
will be charged extra.
Three raps at the door means there is a
murder in the house and you must get up.
Please rite your name on the wall paper,
so we know you’ve been’here.
The other leg of the chair is in the
closet if you need it.
If that hole where that pain of glass is
out is too much for you, you’ll find a pair
of pants back of the door to stuff in it.
The shooting of a pistol is no cause for
any alarm.
If you’re too cold, put the oilcloth over
your bed.
Caroseen lamps extra; candles free,but
they musn’t burn all night.
Don’t tare off the wall paper to life
your pipe with. Nuff of that already.
Guests will not take out them bricks in
the mattress.
If it rains through that hole over
head, you’ll find an umbrella under the
bed.
The rats won’t hurt you if they do
chase each other across your face.
Two men in a room must put up with
one chair.
Please don’t empty the sawdust out of
the pillers.
If there’s no towel handy, use a piece of
the carpet.— Philadelphia Forth Ameri¬
can.
SuMptioa: $i.M is idiuet.
PITH A YD POIYL
“Whv is an Italian's peanut cart like a
sunset?' Because the Daso's with it
Few York Graphic.
Bhd“'sr :, lo s,““'i:
h,
Friend—“What's come up between
you and Miss Dumpling?” De Lefft
(sadly)—“Her father.”— Time.
' The Girl I Left Behind Me’’ ’s
To a song
be sung in accents kind:
But how shall I sing of that heartless thing—
The Girl That Left Me Behind?
Policemen are allowed to rest only
four minutes in one spot, but they do
not grumble. Half a loaf is better than
none .—Mail and Express.
“Beef alum ode.” is the way a restau¬
rant keeper of East Broadway bills'of writes
“beef a la mode” on Ms fare.
No wonder the customers pucker their
faces .—Few York Graphic.
Husband—“Maria, don’t I allow you
enough pin money?” Wife—“Why,yes,
indeed, Charles.” Husband—“Well,
I’m blest if I can ever find a pin around
the house when I want one.”
Cook (next day after her arrival)—“I
am often a little hasty, madam, and then
I am apt to be saucy; but you needn’t
mind—you can make me a little present
and I get pleasant again .”—San Francisco
Wasp.
She—“That wild-looting man we no¬
ticed seems to be very wealthy. ” He_
“Indeed he is. His fortune consists of
notes taken by the wayside.” She—“How
lovely. Is he Max O'Rell?” He—“No.
He's an ex-stage robber .”—Few York
Sun.
Bathing In Alaska.
Every Russian trading post, according
to Mr. Dali, has a bathhouse, and once a
week all the people avail themselves of
its privileges. The apparatus is simple,
not to say primitive, but the method is
what might be called heroic, especiaDy
the dressing in a room where the tempera¬
ture is below zero. A rude arch of loose
stones is built, and more stones piled over
it, so that a fire made beneath the arch
can penetrate between them.
There is no chimney, but a trap door in
the roof. A large cask full of water,
heated for the purpose, and another of
cold water, generally with ice floating in
it, and a succession of benches, one above
the other, complete the equipment. When
the stones are thoroughly heated and the
smoke has all passed out, all coals are re¬
moved and the trap door is shut; any
smoke or coals remaining will make the
eyes smart and the bath very uncomfor¬
table. Each one leaves Ms clothing in
an outer room, and on entering wets Ms
bead and throws hot water on the heated
stones until as much steam is produced as
he can bear. Then he mounts as Mgh on
the benches as he finds comfortable, and
the perspiration issues from every pore.
Next he takes a sort of broom or bunch
of dried mint or birch twigs with the
leaves still on them, which is prepared at
the proper season and called meenik. With
this he thrashes Muiself till all impurities
are thoroughly loosened from the skin, and
finishes with a wash-off in hot water and
soap. Then taking a kantag, or wooden
dish, full of ice-cold water, he dashes it
over Mmself and rushes out into the dress¬
ing room.
TMs last process is disagreeable to the
uninitiated, but is absolutely necessary to
prevent taking cold. I have known cases
of acute rheumatismijrought on by omit¬
ting it. The dressing room is spread
with straw and always communicates with
the outer air. The temperature is often
many degrees below zero, but such is the
activity of the circulation that one dresses
in perfect comfort notwithstanding. A
warm dressing room would be insuppor¬
table.
The Curious Tumble-Weed.
Some curious information concern¬
ing “tumble weeds” is given by
Dr. C. E. Berry in the Botanical Gazette.
Some plants grow in somewhat globular
form or assume it in drying, and then
roll over the surface of the ground in
windy weather in separate masses, look¬
ing like moving flocks of sheep or even
larger cattle. The Rose of Jericho is a
well-known roller over the plains of Pal¬
estine. Henfrey, quoted by Bessey, notes
that on the steppes of Russia, on the
north of the Black Sea, a kind of tMstle
rolls in masses resembling troops of wild
horses, and in our own Western plains a
cheriapodiaceous plant is famous as a
roller.
The weight of fish landed in Great
Britain and Ireland last year was 575,000
tons, of which somewhat less than half
was carried into the interior by railway.