Newspaper Page Text
THE LINCOLNTON NEWS
VOLUMB VII. NUMBER 45.
Buenos Ayres contemplates holding a
world’s fair.
The white population of Texas increases
more rapidly than the black.
Figures show that the sustaining
. limit of the globe will soon be reached.
Idaho Territory is actively bestirring
itself in the matter of securing admission
to the Union.
Scientists seem to be unable to decide
whether death by electricity is always
painless or not.
It is estimated that visitors and ex¬
hibitors at the Paris Exposition will leave
$200,000,000 in Paris.
The large coal fields recently discovered
in Tonquin, China, are expected to revo
lutionize the shipping traffic in the
Orient.
Paris papers consider that the King
of Holland’s address to the State General,
in which he asked that 66,000 troops be
kept armed to defend Dutch neutrality,
is a grave event, indicating expected
German action.
It is alleged, observes the New York
Commercial Advertiser, that the sale ol
bananas, which in 1888 were imported tc
the value of $3,172,000 (an increase ol
$500,000 over the year previous), is in¬
terfering with the sale of berx-ies.
There is every probability, states the
New York Times , that Japan will soon
become entirely independent of other
countries as regards its coal supply, vast
coal fields having been recently discovered
on the islands of Kinsio and Yesso.
It is estimated by the head of one ol
the largest banking houses in New York
city that at least $100,000,000 will he
sent to Europe this year to meet travel¬
ers’ credits. This is an immense drain
on the financial resources of the United
States.
The Atlanta Constitution alleges that
New York is a centre of misery, The
police estimate that 50,000 people walk
the streets not knowing where to sleep at
night, and 50,000 others sleep as best
they can, not knowing where to get a
breakfast in the morning.”
* ‘English pickpockets,” says the Lon¬
don Graphic, “have hitherto carried off
the palm among such light-fingered gen¬
try, but statistics gathered by the Parisian
police show that the British now only
hold the third rank. The Spaniard is
the most skilful of all, and does his work
with two fingers only, while the Italian
comes next, operating much in the same
style.”
A county in Arizona is larger than tht
State of Massachusetts, yet it hns not a
single doctor within its borders. Its is
the healthiest tract in the country, com¬
ments the Chicago Herald, and its few
graveyards are peopled only by victims
of the lead poisoning so peculiar to fron<
tier districts.
'Chicago has afforded from time to time
•ample evidences, asserts the New Y'ork
Times, that the cable system of propell¬
ing street cars is not adapted to the crowd¬
ed streets of cities. It occasions frequent
injuries to people crossing the streets and
is siitiject to delays that produce vexatious
instruction.
The most extensive building in the
world is undoubtedly 3Iachinery Hall, in
the Paris Exposition. It is nearly a
quarter of a mile long and 370 feet broad.
Its roof, which covers 60,000 square feet,
is one great arch, spandingthe entire dis¬
tance from side to side, without a single
intervening i. support.
If any persons have been frightened by
recent rumors of a coming deficiency in
the beef supply of the country, they can
find reassurance in this year’s report ol
the agricultural department on farm ani¬
mals. To put the statement in round
numbers there were 25,000,000 in the
United States in 1860, 33,000,000 in
1880, and 50,000,000 in 1888, the year
covered by the last report.
The 3Iinneapolis Tribune has in some
way discovered that the blue bird, which
comes to us in the early spring, with the
arbutus and the hand organ, can van¬
quish the English sparrow in single com¬
bat. With this fact as a basis it moves
to oust the bald-headed eagle from its
place as the American bird and substitute
the plucky little warbler which goes
dressed in the uniform of Uncle Sam.
There is a well-grounded idea in En¬
glish army circles that there are too many
officers in proportion to the number of
privates in the service. A scheme has
accordingly been devised by which many
of the generals at present in receipt of
large pay for more or less ornamental
service shall be dispensed with. Natu
rallythe proposal has aroused considerable
antagonism, and it is not at all certain
that it will be carried out, however much
it would be of benefit to the taxpayers.
0^"" "
""-Vi
DEVOTED TO THE INTEREST op LINCOLN COUNTY.
DESTINY.
I saw the bald cliff bathed in silver rain
While the parched fields stretched up their
throats in vain:
Woe to the land whose unplucked ears have
pined—
Whose harvests waste, and never yield their
kind!
Know you not, wise one, with what thank¬
less toil
You pour your love out on a desert soil?
Still wars the heart if this be truth or no—
What the priests say—that God has willed it
so.
—Dora Read Goodale, in Lippincott.
JUSTLY PUNISHED.
BY THOMAS BURKE.
James Monroe and Mary Murdock were
engaged to be married. They had known
each other for years and as their parents
were fast friends and near neighbors it
seemed the most natural thing in the
world that they should wed. They were
the children of farmers and from school
days up had attended the country merry¬
makings together. No “husking” or
“paring bee” or “mite society” was com¬
plete unless James and Mary were there.
James Monrose was a tall, blue-eyed
young man of five and twenty, with light
hair and a light mustache, which latter
all the girls voted, “just too cute for
anything.” As a truthful chronicler, we
must add he was quite conceited and
rather inclined to flirt.
Mary Murdock was a brunette,a charm¬
ing little black-eyed miss who, though
generally light-hearted, gay and laugh¬
ing, had more than once shown that it
was hardly safe to trespass too far upon
her good nature. Her age was twenty.
One evening in July there Was an ice
cream festival in Payne’s Woods near the
village of Barnesville and also near the
homes of the two betrothed lovers, and,
of course, they were in attendance. It
was a merry gathering. Besides ice
cream, cake, candy, peanuts and lemon¬
ade were offered forsalCjall for the benefit
of the church.
The merry making was at its height
when a sudden hush fell on the assem
blage and all eyes were riveted on a gen
tleman and lady who were slowly making
their way toward the head dispenser of
ice cream. The gentleman ■was bowing
right and left, and smiling with great ur¬
banity, thereby displaying a white and
glistening set of false teeth to much ad¬
vantage. Evidently he was on the best
of terras with himself, and as a natural
consequence with- all the world. Why
shouldn’t Josiah Hurtom, J. P., the
wealthiest man in the neighborhood, be
on good terms with himself.
But it was the young lady who attract¬
ed the lion’s share of attention. She
was, perhaps, twenty-five years of age,
very tall, with dark blue eyes, and hair
denominated auburn by her friefids, and
red by her enemies, of which last it may
be said she had her full complement. Her
form was simply perfection, When I
add that she was rich in her own right,
and the prospective heiress to another
large fortune, I have, perhaps, said
enough to convince the reader that her
lines had fallen in very pleasant places.
Her name was Imogene Burton; and she
was on a visit to her uncle, Squire Hur¬
tom. She had tired of Saratoga, she
had tired of Newport, the White Moun¬
tains, and Bar Harbor, and therefore in a
sudden freak had left the latter place for
Barnesville, arriving there just in time for
the lawn festival.
After gazing with some degree of in¬
terest on the, to her, unusual and amus¬
ing scene, she seated herself at a small
table to partake of the cream and Cake
her uncle had provided.
She had just daintly raised the spoon
to her lips when a blonde young man de¬
posited a glass of lemonade in her lap
and fell prone upon the gras3 at hex
side.
It was James 3Ionroe who had been
drafted in as a waiter for a short period,
and who had unluckily stumbled over a
chair standing in the shadow of a tree.
Of course 3Iiss Burton was angry, not
that her splendid satin dress was irre¬
trievably ruined, but at the awkardness
of the whole affair. To have a young
man fling a glass of lemonade on her
dress and then fall at her feet as if sueing
for pardon or her hand, and that too,
before a whole grove full of laughing
strangers was very mortifying to the
proud and pampered Imogene.
James arose to his feet with a scarlet
face and commenced stammering his
apologies. At first she greeted all his
explanations with a curt “it is of no
consequence, sir,” and a supercilious
elevation of the eyebrows, when suddenly
it occurred to her that as the young man
was of. fair appearance he might possibly
be the means of relieving her of her
ennui.
In fact she resolved to commence a
flirtation with him then and there, and
so when he had for the fifth time ex
plained how the whole thing happened,
and bemoaned his stupidity and awk
wardness, glancing the while with rue
fnl eyes at her discolored dress, she held
out her white bejeweled hand with great
frankness and smiled on him most
sweetly.
James, though highly delighted, was
somewhat taken aback at this sudden
change of front, but as he, as has already
been said, was rather inclined to flirt
himself, and was flattered at her appar
ent interest in him, he made no audible
comments on her changed behavior.
Taking a seat at the table he entered
into an animated conversation with her,
in the course of tvhich she artlessly gave
him to understand that she was very sad
and very unhappy, and that she desired,
above all things, a friend who would
sooth her when sad, rejoice with her
when merry, and be true to her till
death.
Miss Burton looked tenderly at James
as she uttered the above sentiment and
softly sighed. What wonder the young
man’s heart beat violently, and his brain
was in a whirl? Was not he hobnob
bing, aristocratic so to. speak, with the beautiful and
heiress of whom the whole
assemblage stood in awe, whose praises
LINCOLNTON, GEORGIA, FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 13. 1839.
had been so loudly and persistently sung
by her uncle, the doughty squire.
The good people of Barnesville and
vicinity being early risers were necessa¬
rily early retirers; consequently the festi¬
val came to an abrupt end at a far earlier
hour than Miss Burton’s accustomed bed¬
time.
How short the evening has seemed,
Mr. Monroe,” she said, as she gave him
her hand at parting, “and I have you to
thank for it. Will you not call on me
to-morrow afternoon or evening? Some¬
thing tells me we are to be Hie best of
friends. Will you come?”
“I shall be delighted to do so,” said
James. Squire Hurtom coming up at that
moment, the young man reluctantly left
the heiress and proceeded to seek out his
deserted and till then forgotten be¬
trothed. He found her seated near the
entrance to the grounds, having with her
an old lady whom she had prevailed upon
to remain with her until her recreant
lover made bis appearance. She was very
quiet, and as they passed near the large
lantern at the gateway leading from the
scene of the festivity, James noticed that
she was deathly pale and that there was
an ominous glitter in her jet black eyes.
The evening was a wonderful one. The
stars shone brightly, the moon jvas at the
full, and a cool breeze musically rustled
the leaves and fanned the brows of the
moody lovers as they silently wended
their way toward the home of Mary,
which was near by. At last James broke
the irksome silence with the query:
“How have you enjoyed yourself this
evening, Mary?”
“Very well,’’was the reply; “itwould
be superfluous for me to repeat that ques¬
tion, for I saw you were enjoying your¬
self immensely. You doubtless found
Miss Burton a very entertaining com¬
“I did,” replied James. “She gave
me a very cordial invitation to call on
her to-morrow afternoon or evening.”
“Do you intend doing so?” asked
Mary; in a scarcely audible voice.
“I do;” was the curt reply.
“Then,” said the young girl, “you
need never call on me again. We will
henceforth be as strangers. Here is your
ring.” And before the dumbfounded
James could reply she hurriedly drew
their engagement ring from her finger,
thrust it into his hands, and, as they had
arrived at her father’s gate, ran up the
graveled walk and into the house without
a word of parting.
“Little spitfire,” said James to himself.
“The idea of acting in this way just be¬
cause I conversed with Miss Burton a
short time.”
He did not seem to realize that he had
spent nearly the entire evening in Miss
Burton’s company, neglecting his be¬
trothed to such an extent that even the
dullest took cognizance of and comment¬
ed upon it.
On the following afternoon after mak¬
ing a more than usually elaborate toilet,
James presented himself at the door of
Squire Hurtom’s staring white house and
inquired of the trim maid of all work
who answered the summons of the bell,
if Miss Burton was in. The maid replied
in the affirmative, ushered him in to the
“best room” where be found the heiress
deeply absorbed in the latest society
novel. She closed the book at once, and
rising from her seat greeted him very
warmly.
They were soon conversing as amica¬
bly and apparently as intimately as
friends of long standing.
When at the end of two hours (which
seemed but as two minutes to the infat¬
uated James) he arose to take his depar¬
ture he was warmly invited to call again,
He did so on the very next day, when he
was treated with greater kindness if pos¬
sible than on his former visit.. They
played several games of croquet together
during the course of which it was arranged
that on the following afternoon they should
take a boat ride on Lily Pond, a small
lake in the neighborhood, noted for its
white and fragrant water lilies. He also
took her out riding behind his span of
blood bay horses, and on one occasion
escorted her to church where the heiress
created an immense sensation as she swept
down the central aisle in her trailing,
rustling silken gown, while he with head
erect, silk tile in hand, and curled mus¬
tache, was the envy and despair of all the
young men of Barnesville. Even the
gray-haired old minister was visibly dis¬
concerted at the sudden and unexpected
appearance of so much style and elegance
and lost his place iu the chapter he was
reading, for be it known, Miss Burton al¬
ways mado it a point to arrive late at
church as well as at all other public gath¬
erings.
In less than two weeks it was whispered
about by the gossips that James 31onroc
and Mary 3Iurdock had quarreled, that
the engagement was broken, and that
he was “keeping steady company with
that stuck-up, red-haired city girl at
Squire Hurtom’s.”
And it must be said it was all true;
James had become infatuated with the
fair Imogene and danced perpetual at
tention upon her. Her dainty ways, her
city bred airs, her varying moods, and
above all the thought that she was al
ready wealthy and destined at no distant
day to become still more so, wrought*
such havoc in the heart of the unsophis
ticated youth that he resolved at the
first favorable opportunity, to use a
phrase much in vogue in those parts, to
-‘pop the question.”
Accordingly one pleasant afternoon
when he and Imogene were seated on a
rustic bench in the very grove where was
held the memorable ice-cream festival,
he, after much unwonted stammering,
plumped down dramatic on his knees and proposed
in the most manner imaginable
—and was greeted with a loud and ring
ing peel of laughter. He had never
heard 3Iiss Burton laugh before, and the
sound, however birdlike, or flutelike he
might have considered it under other
circumstances, was, just at that moment
far from pleasant to him.
“Marry you,” she said, when she could
fully control her risibility. “Marry a
farmer? And I suppose you would ex
pect me to milk the cows, and sweep,
and cook and wash, as do all the good
house-wives of Barnesville and vicinity,
No, Mr. Monroe, the idea is impractica-
ble, and, I will add, utterly impossible;
for I am engaged to a gentleman in New
York and am to be married early in the
fall. I have enjoyed your company very
much indeed. You have helped to re¬
lieve the tedium of this beautiful though
monotonous place, and for that I am
truly thankful; but such a thing as be¬
coming your wife has never once entered
my head. You must learn to forget me.
I leave for Boston to-morrow morning
and you, doubtless will exemplify the
truth of the old adage: ‘Out of sight,
out of mind.’ And now let me give you
a little good advice. I have heard some¬
thing of a little black-eyed girl to whom
you were engaged and with whom you
quarreled, presumably over poor me.
Return to your allegiance. Marry her;
she will make you a good wife, and you
will both live to laugh over your silly
misunderstanding, and at me.”
With these words Miss Burton arose,
and swiftly and silently glided from the
grove, leaving James Monroe dumb¬
founded and crestfallen, and yet with a
secret feeling in his heart that he had
been rightly served.
After the first ranklings of his
wounded self-love had died out, he be¬
thought him of Miss Burton's advice and
called at the Murdock homestead. He
was ushered into the familiar parlor
where had passed so many pleasant happy
hours, by one of Mary’s younger sisters,
and, in a short time Mary made her ap¬
pearance. She was as bright and cheery
as ever and apparently harbored no ill
feeling because of his past conduct, but
when he drew forth the engagement ring
she had so long worn, and attempted to
place it upon her finger and again
gain her consent to be his wife, she
drew back with a quick, proud move¬
ment and said:
“No, James, I shall always be a friend
to you, but never your wife. You-have
shown plainly that you did not love me
as you ought, and I feel it is best we
should henceforth meet merely as friends
and neighbors. I will own that I have
felt very badly over the way—the way
you have used me. But time heals all
wounds,”
“Yes, time and John Graves,” said
James angrily, as he seized his hat. “I
have heard of his coining here, and if you
care more for that lout than tor me all I
have to say is: 3Iarry him.”
Thus speaking, he flounced out of the
room, hind not forgetting to slam the door be¬
him. Mary's black eyes fairly
snapped with just anger and indignation.
But the storm in her bosom subsided as
rapidly as it had arisen, and in a low,
heartfelt voice, she S3id: “Thank God
for my narrow escape.”
John Graves, whom James Monroe had
denominated “a lout,” was a young far¬
mer living about three miles from 3D.
Murdock’s. He was a steady, upright
airs, young ” but man, honest not gf"en to “putting on
and true to his friends
as the needle to the pole. He had a
large farm bequeathed him by his father,
which he cultivated to the very best ad¬
vantage. In fact, he was considered the
best farmer near Barnesville. His mothei
and a maiden sister attended to the house¬
hold duties, while he and two “hired
nlen” were constantly employed in bring¬
ing his broad acres into the highest state
of productiveness. Him the following
autumn, Mary Murdock married, And
at about the same time Imogene Burton
was lead to the altar by 1 ‘a gentleman of
New York .”—Yankee Blade.
A Military Novelty.
The latest novelty in military inven¬
tions is a vegetable cartridge shell, to
which French periodicals are calling at¬
tention. This invention would, no doubt,
become of great importance, should the
results that are claimed for the same be
confirmed. A Frenchman (M. Bieunait.)
is said to have found the means of re¬
placing the metal shell of cartridges by
one of a vegetable composition, which
will be entirely consumed in firing. This
cartridge scarcely weighs one-half of a
metal cartridge, the price is considerably
less, and its use will do away with all
the drawbacks attached to the extraction
of the shell after each shot. As the
metal shell, however, secures the closing
of the gun, 31. Bieunait has invented a
new contrivance, which may be easily
affixed to every gun at a small expense,
and which would give to his vegetable
shell the same advantage as possessed by
those now in use. The employment of
these new cartridges would enable sol¬
diers to carry twice the number now al¬
lowed, and thereby the difficult problem
of the supply of ammunition in battle
would be greatly simplified .—London En¬
gineer,
Where Fish Hooks are Made.
“No, sir; very few fish-hooks are
made in this country,” said a dealer in
sporting goods to a New Y'ork World re¬
porter. that
“The reason is we can’t make
anything to compare with the English
ai-ticle, and lor that reason there is no
demand for American hooks.
“Fully ninety per cent, of the hooks
used in this country are imported from
England. There is a factory in New
Haven and it turns out a great many fish¬
hooks in the course of a year, but they
are not of the same quality as the Eng¬
lish production. made
“English hooks are of finely
tempered steel-iron that won’t snap off.
There is no steel equal to it in this coun
try. of
1 ‘The manufacture fish-hooks is a
great industry in some alone parts of England.
There is one town which has sev¬
eral fish-hook manufactories, in which
nearly a thousand people are employed.
America is far ahead of the 3Iothei
Country in many other things, but in the
way of fish-hooks we can’t compare with
her at all."
On a Tain Quest
The patriarch, laying aside his newspaper,
When his little granddaughter climbed u)
on ixis knee,
Pushed his spectacles up on his forehead, a
That caper caused the miss to witt
wee exclaim
As she groat looked glee. at the top of his
cranium
bare—
“Grandpa’s eyesight has gone to look after
-NewTork Heraid
BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
The Commercial Traveler—A Neigh¬
bor Sent Him—Cleaned the Chick¬
en With Soap—His Favorite
Speech is “Hello,” Etc.
His lan iguage is artless and free,
And his rand of good jokes is immense,
His handshake is hearty and warm,
And his manners polite to intense.
His clothes fit him snugly and trim,
His necktie way up in the style,
His hat is the latest thing out,
And his face wears a genial smile.
He has the time tables by heart.
He is “chummy” at all the hotels; !
He calls his trade by their first name,
And leaves copies of all goods he sells. !
His trunk is just packed with “big jobs,”
He throws out his pet little “baits;”
He s determined to sell his new man.
So he’s offered him all sorts of “dates.”
The trade never want any goods.
But He’s accustomed started to slights and then and rebuff—
He get a man wait day for his “rtuff.”
can scarce a
Oh, a jolly bright fellow is he,
This tourist of commerce and trade.
Don’t call him a “drummer,” forsooth
He’s a full band complete on parade.
—Philadelphia North American.
A NEIGHBOR SENT HIM.
He—“I’m the piano tuner, mum.”
She—“I haven’t sent for my piano
tuner.”
He—“Yes mum, I know mum; it were
the gentleman next door sent me here,
mum.”— Siftings.
CLEANED THE CHICKEN WITH SOAP.
Mistress (entering the kitchen)—
“Bridget, have you cleaned the chicken
yet?”
New Cook (with an injured air)—
“As well as I could, mum, with nothing
but yellow soap to clane it with.”—
Chicago Tribune.
HIS FAMOUS SPEECH IS “HELLO,” ETC.
Crimsonbeak—“You remember our
old friend, Bell?”
Yeast—“Certainly.”
“He has developed into a public
speaker.”
“Youdon’t say?”
“Yes; he's a clerk in a telephone
office. ’ ’—Statesma n.
THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE.
He—“Will you marry me?”
She (coldly)—“No; nor I won’t be a
sister either. You’re too young.”
He—“Will you be a grandmother to
me, then?”— Tribune.
THE DOCTORS AGREED.
Skeptic—“Did agree?” you ever know two doc¬
tors to
Medical Student (after reflection)—
“Y-e-s; onoe.”
“Where was it?”
“At a post mortem .”—New York Weel
Ht-
wouldn't suit the furniture.
Doctor—“No wonder you are sick.
Open the blinds and let the sunshine into
your room.”
Fair Patient—‘Mercy! It wouldn’t
harmonize with this expensive furniture.
Sunshine is disgustingly cheap .”—New
York Weekly.
PEDESTRIAN ISM.
Hotel Clerk—“Do you wish to walk
to the railroad station, or shall I call a
hack? It is only a block distant.”
Fat Sian—“Get me a carriage. If
Providence had intended me to walk I
would have been provided with more
legs. ’ ’— Siftings.
A CORRECTED SENTENCE.
Teacher—“Johnnie, is it proper to say
‘Peachesis better than watermelons’’ ”
Johnnie (who evidently has his likes
and dislikes)—“No, ma’am.”
Teacher—“Well, you may correct the
sentence.”
Johnnie—“Watermelons is better than
peaches.”— Judge.
A GREAT TRAVELER.
3D-. Plain talk—“Have you traveled
much, 3Iiss Elderly?”
3Iiss Elderly—“Indeed I have. Every
summer since my sixteenth year dear papa
has taken me off for atrip abroad.”
“Is that so? Well, -I don't suppose
that there is any country that you have not
visited. ’ ’—Siftings,
CIVILITIES BETWEEN DEAR FRIENDS.
3Iiss Garlinghouse (dining with her
friend, sweetly)—“What perfectly lovely
coffee you make, Laura! I don’t think
I ever tasted any that was just—just ex¬
actly like it, you know.”
Miss Kajones (still more sweetly)—“I
always use genuine coffee. So glad you
like it, Irene, dear !”—Chicago Tribune.
SHE WOULD BE AN AUNT TO HIM.
Edith—“No, Herbert, I can never be
your wife, but I will he”
“Herbert—“Don’t say a sister to me.
So many girls have said that. ”
Edith—“I wasn't going to say that. I
was going to say that accepted I shall be delighted
to be your aunt. I your Uncle
George last night .”—Once a Week.
A DESERVED FATE.
Editor—“Fm sorry, Squaggs, but
you’ll have to go.”
Foreman—“I’d like to know what I’ve
done.”
Editor—“Well I wrote about that gal¬
lant old war horse Colonel Billinger, and
you set it up that gallous old saw horse.
It’s your place or my life, and I want to
live.”— Harper's Bazar.
the opiates ■were for her.
Mrs. Gabb—“What is the matter with
my husband?”
Doctor—“Nothing, except that he
needs change. " I prescribe opiates and
res t.”
Mrs. Gabb—“Shall!.givehim the opi
g£» * onctf”
Subscription: $1.25 in l*
him; Doctor—“Oh, the opiates are not fot
they are for you.”— Once a Week.
breaking off gradually.
given Father—“Eleanor, now that you have
coming up young Hopkins, I wish he would
stop to the house.”
Daughter—‘ ‘He’s been here only seven
times this week, pa.”
Father—“Only seven times? How
many times do you want him to come?”
Daughter—“Don’t be harsh, father.
George is trying to break off gradually.”
— Epoch.
WHAT THE MUCILAGE WAS FOB.
“3D. Affible I have looked over your
expense account,” said the head of the
house, peering over his glasses at his
traveling salesman, “and there is one
item here I do not understand. It is mu
cilage $118. What does this mean?”
“It means,” said the salesman, who
had had a good week's business, and was
correspondingly where reckless, “it means that
is you get stuck.”— Peck's Sun.
JOHNNIE SUGGESTS A TOPIC.
Little Johnnie approached his mother
as she was laying away a pan of fresh
laid doughnuts.
“Mother, Isay, mother!”
“What is it, my son?”
“Why don’t you talk some, mother?”
“What do you want me to say, John
nie?”
' ‘Well, you might say: ‘Johnnie, don't
you want a doughnut? —Philadelphia
Press.
FIGURES LIE SOMETIMES.
Bobby—-‘Papa, how many feet are
there in one yard?”
Papa—“A linear yard contains three,
a square yard nine, and a cubic yard
twenty-seven square feet.”
Bobby—“Can’t there be more than
twenty-seven feet in any yard?”
Papa—“No.”
Bobby—“That's where you're off. Our
barnyard ha3 got ten cows in it, and each
cow has got four feet, which makes forty
feet .”—-Binghamton Hepublican.
A SUDDEN FALL IN VALUE.
Stranger—“Have you any choice lots
on hand?”
Landowner --Y.es, sir; yes. sir, some
thing fine. The nicest lots that ever laid
outdoors! There are two; all improve
ments, convenient to cars, clear title, *tc.
Thev are choice, but I will make them
fifteen hundred for cash.”
making sLssmentiihdVu Thirteen
hundred each for these lots?”
Landowner (hastily)— -No, oh, no, for
the two!”
Stranger—“Any more choice lots?”
Landowner—“That’s all; just about
sold out. ”— Epoch.
IT HAD TO COME OUT.
“Were you ever engaged in a train
robbery?” asked the prosecuting attorney,
looking at him keenly.
“I was never indicted for train¬
robbing,” answered the witness evasively.
“That is not the question,” said the
lawyer. “I will ask you again. Were
you ever a train-robber?”
“Judge,” said the witness, turning im¬
ploringly to the dignity on the bench,
“must I answer that question?”
“Y'ou must,” answered the Judge.
“And remember you are under oath.”
The witness turned pale and his knees
knocked together.
“1 suppose it's got to come out. I sold
books and bananas on the cars for a whole
year when I was a young fellow,’’faltered
the miserable man .”—Chicago Tribune.
PATER ET FILIUS.
Verisopht, Sr.—“It pains me to know
I have a son who is treated with derision
by his comrades.”
pawdon, Verisopht, Jr.—“Aw! I—aw! undaw- beg
Paw; but I aw! don't
stand yaw.”
Verisopht, Sr.—“I presume not. lean
well believe a man who murders English
as you do cannot understand it when it is
spoken properly; but perhaps you may
comprehend the meaning of thus paper I
found pinned to your coat when your
roystering companions placed you on the
front steps this morning.”
Verisopht, Jr.—“Aw! indeed! Aw!
will yaw please—aw! wead it taw meh?
1—aw! left maw monocle awp sta-aws.
yaw knaw.”
Verisopht, Sr.—
‘‘Here lias a thing without a brain,
A form to hang some clothes on;
It’s head well soaked, but not with rain,
So gently turn the hose on.”
— Life.
Treatment and Canse of Warts.
Warts are cancerous growths of the
skin. They are of vascular formation,
that is they are provided with veins and
nerves, and they are contagious. A per¬
son with warty hands will be apt to
cause these growths on a cow that he
may milk. To remove them the whole
substance, the wart and its roots in the
skin, must bs destroyed by the use of
caustics, of which nitric acid, applied by
means of a strip of glass to the surface
after milking, is the most effective. As
the wart is corroded it should be rubbed
with coarse sandpaper or pumice stone acid to is
make a fresh surface before more
appled. When the wart is wholly re¬
moved and a raw spot only is left, this
should be healed by dusting it with calo¬
mel. When a wart has a neck around
which a strong thread or wire may be
| tied will or twisted this it .—New method York of strangula¬ Times.
tion remove
Great Britain’s Largest Tree.
Great Britain’s largest tree is the Cow
thorpe oak, in Yorkshire, believed to be
some 1500 years old. In the seventeenth
century, before some of its projections
were covered by a heaping up of the
earth, it was seventy-eight feet in cireum
ferenceat the ground, and its branches is
overshadowed half an acre. It now a
ruin, with a hollow iu its trunk in which
at least forty people may stand .—Trenton
(N. J-) American.
C«Uli€3-Thesur^on’s fee.
to
AN OVERSIGHT OF *
A sweet little baby brother
Had come to live with Flo,
And she wanted it brought to the table,
That it might eat and grow.
“It must wait for a while,” said grandma,
In answer to her plea;
“Fora little thing that hasn’t teeth
Can’t eat like you and me.”
“Why hasn’t it got teeth, grandma?*
Asked Flo, in great surprise.
“Oh, mv; but isn’t it funny? .
No teeth, but nose an’ eyes.
I guess,” after thinking gravely,
“They must have been forgot.
Can't we buy him some like grandpa's?
I'd like to know why not.”
That afternoon to the corner.
With paper and pen and ink.
Went Flo, saying: “Don't talk to me,
If you do it’ll ’sturb me think.
I’m writing a letter, grandma,
To send away to-night.
An’ 'cause it’s very ’portant
I want to get it right.”
At last the letter was finished,
A wonderful think to see,
And directed to “God in heaven.*
“Please reed it over to me,” *'
Said little Flo to her grandma,
"To see if it’s right, you know.”
And here is the letter written
To God by little Flo:
“Dear God : The baby you brought us
Is awful nice and sweet,
But'cause you forgot his toofies
The poor little thing can’t eat..
That’s why I’m writing this letter,
A purpose to let you know;
Please come and finish the baby.
That’s all. From Little Flo.”
—Pittsburg Post.
PITH AND P0IXT.
Navy Plugs—Old sea horse3.
Very few persons can hold their own
on their first sea voyage .—Boston Courier.
The march of righteousness should be
played on an upright piano .—Baltimore
American.
“All things will come to him who
waits.” The dry rot, for one thing.—
Philadelphia Press.
Wrestling is by no means confined to
p. mma te things, as everyone knows who
bas ever seen a ship’s spar, sea fight or a
ballot bo x.—Baltimore American.
, b ... at , „___
° f rve * _
arrested f « attem P* ed f^cideby jump
by his friends; "-Munsey's Weekly.
“I wish,dear John, that would you’dbehave, shave.”
If not, I wish that you
Boston Courier.
“What shall I call mv play?” asked
the man who had stolen one from the
French; and his friend advised him to
call it Elijah, because it was translated.—
Siftings.
I wonder no more you retain your bloom i
And grow so sleek and fat,
When yon ask as much for my hall bedroom,
As your landlord asks for the flat.
—New York Sun. '
Bridget—“Enjoy slape, is it? The
minute I lay down I’m aslape, and the
minute I’m awake I have to get up.
Where's the time for enjoying slape to
come in I’d like yez to tell me?”— Life.
The burglar sneaked silently into the room.
The housewife awoke with" a cry;
She didn’t assault him with pistol or broom—
She conducted him to the mince pie.
—Washington Critic.
Visitor—“I presume it was because
you were sadly tried by adversity that you
ire confined here.” Prisoner—“No; it
was because I was tried by a granger
jury that couldn’t be bought .”—Omaha
World.
When you go to the circus’
Take care what you drink;
Look not on the lemonade
When it is pink. •
—Lawrence American.
“Where's your pa, sonny?” “He’s
out.” “Ma in?” “No; she’s out.”
“Brotherin?” “No; he’s out.” “Then
you're the only one in?” “Naw; I ain’t
in; three out, side oat; I’m just left on
bases .”—Brooklyn Eagle.
A youth who resided in Leicester,
Blew into a patent lung teicester, ■i
But he stopped with a sneeze,
The For machine with Limburger had been cheese, stuffed by
some
jeicester. Critic.
—Washington
A Persian Solomon.
The Shah of Persia has a numerous
family. His firstborn is Massoud Mirza,
whose official title is Zil-es-Sultan
(“Shadow of the King”). He has been
Governor of Ispahan for many years, and
hss amassed enormoxis wealth, if all re¬
ports be true, by means the most despic¬
able. He lacks, it is said, the “humanity”
of his father, and of the many “practical
jokes” told about him, the following is a
specimen: During the- melon season a
soldier had picked a melon and devoured
it without paying the peasant for it the
stipulated price. The peasant went to
complain to 31assoud Mirza, whose ear is
always open to the lowest. After listen¬
ing to his plaint he said: “Well, you
shall have justice. I will test this mat¬
ter to the core. Bring in the soldier.”
The gormandizing soldier was brought in.
“Cut this man open,” he said to his exe¬
cutioner. “If there is a melon inside,”
he added to the peasant, “you will get
your money; if not, off goes your head.”
The soldier was cut open, the melon
found, and the peasant paid .—New York
Observer.
A Desert Distillery.
A sun-distilling apparatus on the Ata¬
cama desert, in Bolivia, consists of 1875
square feet of glass, under which a thin
layer of salt water is led, the vapor from
which condenses as sweat on the under
side of the glass, trickles slowly into a
groove in the supporting frame, and
thence runs into a reservoir. Rather
more water distills by night than by day,
owing to better condensation when the
outer air is cool. The daily production
is from thirty to forty gallons of fresh
water, which sells at three cents per gal¬
lon. A similar apparatus in use on the
same desert twenty years Ago contained
50,000 square feet of glass. The water
then sold for $2.50 a gallon. ■