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THE LINCOLNTON NEWS .Volume ix. number 4. THE GREAT SOUTH AwrERTQ AW NERVINE TONIC AND Stomach^Liver Cure Tlie Most Astonishing Medical Discovery oi the Last One Hundred Years. “ {J I Peasant , s to the Taste as the Sweetest Nectar.) It Is Safe and Harmless as the Purest Milk. This wonderful Nervine Tonic has only recently been introduced into tins . country by the Great South 4 fo°„ American Medicine Company, and vet its {Pf itants . v 01 South ^ a America, ? urat ! ve a who & ont rely has almost long been wholly known by its the native medicinal inhab¬ powers to cure every of disease by which they upon great lOrrn arc overtaken. 7 13 ,® e w and valuable South American medicine possesses powers and qualities ,. . hitherto . unknown to the medical profession. This completely solved the problem of the medicine has Complaint, cure of Indigestion, Dyspepsia, Liver and diseases of the general Nervous System. It also cures ali forms of foiling health from whatever cause. It performs this by the Great Nervine Tome qualities which it possesses and by its great curative powers upon the digestive organs, tho stomach, the liver and the bowels. No remedy compares with this wonderfully valuable Nervine Tonic as a builder and strengthener of the life forces of the human body and as a great renewer of a broken down constitution. It is also of more real permanent value in tho treatment and cure of diseases of the Lungs than any ten consumption rein ernes ever used on this continent. It is a marvelous cure for nervousness of females oi ail ages. Ladies who are approaching the critical period known as change m life, should not foil to use this great Nervine Tonic almost constantly for the space of two or three years. It will carry them safely over the danger. This great strengthener and curative is of inestimable value to the aged and infirm, because its great energizing properties will give them a new hold on life. It will add ten or fifteen years to the lives oC many of those who will use a halt _ dozen bottles of the remedy each year. CURES Nervousness and Broken Constitution, Nervous Prostration, Debility of Old Age, Nervous Headache and Indigestion and Dyspepsia, Sick. Headache, Heartburn and Sour Stomach, Female Weakness, Weight and Tenderness in Stomach, All Diseases of Women, Loss of Appetite, Nervous Chills, Frightful Dreams, Nervous Paralysis, Paroxysms Dizziness and Ringing in the Ears, and Weakness of Extremities and' Nervous Choking Fainting, Ilot Flashes, Impure and Impoverished Blood, Palpitation Mental Despondency, of the Heart, Boils and Carbuncles, Sleeplessness, Scrofula, Scrofulous Swelling > Si. Vitus’s Dance, and Ulcers, Nervousness of Females, Catarrh Consumption of the of Lungs, the Lungs, Nervousness of Old Age, Bronchitis and Clurinic Cough, Neuralgia, Pains Liver Complaint, in tho Heart, Chronic Diarrhoea, •** Pains in the Back, Delicate and Scrofulous Children, Failing Health. Summer Complaint of InfantsT All these and many other complaints cured by this wonderful Nervine Tonic. NERVOUS DISEASES. As a cure for every class of Nervous Diseases, no remedy has been able to compare with the Nervine Tonic, which ia very pleasant and harmless in all its effects upon the youngest child or the oldest and most delicate individ¬ ual. Nine-tenths of all the ailments to which the human family'is heir, are dependent insufficient on nervous exhaustion and impaired digestion. When there is an the brain, spinal supply of nerve and food in the blood, a general state of nerves,'like debility of marrow nerves is the result. Starved starved muscles, become strong when the right kind of food is supplied, and a thousand weaknesses and ailments disappear as the neryes recover. As the nervous body system carried must supply it is the ail first the power by which the vital forces of the are on, to suffer for want of perfect nutrition. Ordinary food does not contain a sufficient quantity of the kind of nutriment necessary the to repair For the wear our present mode of living and labor imposes upon nerves. this reason it becomes necessary that a nerfie food be supplied. found, by This recent production of the South American Continent has been is formed. analysis, to contain the essential elements out of which nerve tissue This accounts for its magic power to cure all forms of nervoua Ckawfordsyille, Ikd , Aug. 20, ’86. To the Great South American Afedieine Co .; Dear Gents .—I desire to say to you that I have suffered for Diany years with a very seri ous disease ol the stomach aiid nerves. I tried every medicine I could hear of but nothing done me any appreciable good until I was ad-. vised to try your Great South American Nervine Tonic and Stomach and Liver Cure, and since surprised using several bottles of it I must say that I am at its wonderful powers to cure the fitomach and general nervous system. If every¬ one knew the value of this remedy as I do, you would r ot be able to supply the demand. J. A. Hardee, Ex-Treas. Montgomery Co. A SWORN CURE FOR ST. VITUS’S DANCE OR CHOREA. CnAWFOKDKVILLE, IND., May 19,1886. af¬ flicted My daughter, for several twelve months years with old, Chorea had Been St. or Vitus’s Dance. She was reduced to a skeleton, could not walk, could milk. not I talk, had could not swal¬ her low anything but to handle like an iufaut. Doctor and neighbors gave her up. I commenced giving her the South Ameri¬ can Nervine Tonic: the effects were very sur¬ prising. In three days she was rid of the ner¬ vousness. her and completely. rapidly improved. I think Four bottles South cured grandest the American Nervine the remedy ever discovered, and would Mbs. recommend W. S. Ensminoek. it to every¬ one. 1 State Montgomery of Indiana, County ss: fjubseribed. and ,) to before this Kay sworn mo 19,1887, Ciias. M. THAYI3, Notary Public. INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA. The Great South American Nervine Tonic Which we now offer of you, Indigestion, is the only Dy absolutely unfailing remedy ever discov¬ ered for the cure rpepsia, and the vast train of symptoms and horrors which are the result of disease and debility of the human stom¬ ach. No person can afford to pass oy this jewel of incalculable value who ia affected by disease of tho Stomach, because tho experience and testimony of thousands go to prove that this is the one and only one great euro in the world for this universal destroyer. There ia no case of unmalignant discass of the stomach which can resist tho wonderful curativo powers of the South American Nervine Tonic. Harriet E. Hall, of Wayuetown. Ind., says: “I owe my life to 1 he Grea. South American Nervine. I had been in bed for flvo months from the effects of an exhausted Stomach, In digestion, Nervous Prostration and a general shattered condition of my whole system. Ilatl ••civcn up all hopes of getting well. Had tried three doctors with no relief. The first bottle of I the Nervino Tonic improved and me few so bottles much cured that was able to walk believo about, it the a best medicine i me entirely. I it highly.’ n the world. I can not recommend too Mrs. M. Russell, uscrl Sugar several Creek bottles Valley, of Ind., Tho writes: “I have will I South American. Nervino medicine Tonic, and tho world. say 1 consider it the best in believe it saved the lives of t wo of my childrens They were down and I nothing procured appeared this remedy. to y) them any good until how rapidly they both It Improved Was very surprising its I recommend Uio medi¬ on use. EVERY BOTTLE WARRANTED. Price, Large IS ounce Bottles, $1.23. Trial Size, 1^ - vta GROVER.^& (V MITCHELL. r Bole "Wholesale and Ifttaii pealers /or Lincoln DEVOTED TO THE INTEREST OF LI IN COL IV COUNTY. Mr. Golomon Bond, a member of the Society of Friends, of Darlington, Ind., says: “I have used twelve bottles of The Great South Ameri¬ can Nervine Tonic and Stomach and Liver Cure, and I consider that every bottle did for me ono hundred dollars worth of good, because I have not had a good night’s sleep for twenty years on account of irritation, pain, horrible dreams, and general nervous prostration, which has been Caused by chronic indigestion and dys¬ condition pepsia of the of stomach and by a broken down lie down and my sleep nervous all night system. But now I can and I feel like sound as sweetly 1 do as a think babv, a man. not there has ever been a medicine introduced into this country which will at all compare with this Nervine Tonic as v, cure for the stomach.” Crawfordstole, Ind., June 22,1887. My daughter, eleven years old, was severely afflicted with St. Vitus’s Dance or Chorea. We gave her three and one-half bottles of South American Nervine and sho is completely re¬ stored. I believe it will cure every case of St. Vitus's Dance. I have kept it in my family for two years, and am sure it is tho greatest rem¬ edy in the world for Indigestion and Dyspep¬ Failing sia, all forms of Nervous Disorders and Health from whatever cause. John T. Mish. State of Indiana, | ss: Subscribed Montgomery aud County, to before this June sworn mo 22,1887. Cuas. \V. Wright, Notary Public. Mrs. Ella A. Eratton, of Now Ross, Indiana, says: ‘‘1 can not express how much I owe to .ho Nervine Tonic. My system was completely spitting shattered, appetite gone, was coughing an i stagc3 of up blood; am sure I was in tho firs, 1 , down through consumption, several an generations. inheritance I handed began taking for the Nervine Tonic and continued Us use about six months, and am entirely cured. It i3 tho grandest remedy tor nerves, stomach and lungs 1 have ever seen. - Ed. J. Brown, Druggist, of Edina, Mo., writes: “lay health had been very poor for years, was co when ughing I commenced severely. I only using weighed South 119 American pounds Nervine. weigh I have used two bottles and now 130 pounds, and am much stronger and better than have been for five years. Am su re would not have lived through the Winter hud X not secured this remedy. My customers see what it has done for me and buy it eagerly. It gives great satisfaction.” LINCOLNTON, GEORGIA, FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21. 1890. BEAR a»d forbear. Be careful, ye whose wedded hearts Are lovingly united; Be heedful, lest an enemy Steal on you uninvited! A little, wily, serpent form. With graceful, luring po3C3; Or, coming in a diffrent guise, A thorn among the roses! Be careful, ye whose marriage-bells Now merrily are ringing; Be heedful of the bitter word, The answer keen and stinging— The shart retort, the angry eve Its vivid lightning flashing;' The rock on which so many hopes Are daiiy, hourly dashing! ‘‘.Bear and forbear’-the only way To tread life’s paths together. Then come, and welcome, shining sun, Or come, dark cloudy weather: Two wedded hearts conjoined in one That cannot live asunder! Iaa* e put love’s golden armor on— Oh, world, look on and wonder! Mrs . M. A. Kidder. The Quicksands of Toro. BY CHARLES HOWARD SHINN. The story properly begins at midnight, on the San Luis, Obispo cqast/ California, twenty years ago, when the September moonlight shone down ufffm Stoner's cattle ranch, near the Pacific Ocean, in the rugged Santa Lucia Mountains ' Stoner had been a Texan Ranger, and could hold his own extrSinely well in that rough frontier communitv. He had earned off a pretty Spanishwife from the Chihuahua region years before, had brought her to the rocky Californian coast, and had purchased a seder's claim and an old adobe house built by a Spanish hidalgo half a century ago. 3 Here he farmed, raised cattle on the unused Government lands, and kept a sort of rude hotel; for several mountain trails joined at that point the broad highway which led from the county seat, twenty miles south, to the northern___ set tlements in the pineries. He had five daughters, too, the youngest, Theresa, known as lessa, a girl of seventeen/ That aaded to the attraction, and almost every night the dark-eyed, half-Spanish giris sang and .danced, and old Stoner managed to hear all the news that was afloat, and somehow, most of the loose coin of the region ultimately found its way into his pockets. He was a deep one, that same Ephraim Stoner, quiet, sly and patient, secret in his methods, deadly in his blow. Stoner’s wife and his four elder daugh¬ ters were uneducated and in subjection to his will, But Tessa bad more brains and energy than all the oth¬ ers put together, and quite as much beauty, so that the old Texan Ranger tcok a certain pride in her, and had even allowed her to attend a distant school for two years. this midnight, when, as I have said, the story begins, a person of a prying disposition might, have discovered ’ sev era! interesting performances in progress around the Stoner abode. On the north side of the house, quite in the shadow, Tessa was leaning from her window, conversing in low tones with a blond, fail-haired and sturdy young man on horseback. “Tom, you do not know my father. He is not the careless, warm-hearted man you suppose. I must admire his ability, but that is all. I warn you, Tom, there never be was where a more dangerous man. He may he hears every word you say, but if he is, he will not speak to you or to me about it. But if he knew that you cared for me he would be your enemy. He has other plans for me. He wants me to marry for money.” Tom Warren had once been a school¬ teacher in the mountain district, miles away, where Tessa had been one of his pupils. Thrown upon his own resources from his childhood, he had developed strong, earnest character, and was already so popular in the county that he had just been elected sheriff, although the young¬ est man ou the ticket. While Tessa and her lover w F ere talk¬ ing, a sceue of a far different nature was been enacted on the south side of tho old adobe, which overlooked a deep ravine, and a camp of five or six men ia a field below, For several years these men had spent their summers there, ostensibly hunting, fishing and exploring the coun try with their dogs and guns. Everyone knew them, and most persons liked them. Tessa did not. Stoner, though it was midnight, sat iu the moonlight oa an old rawhide chair, outside the door, smoking his pipe aud meditating—a tough, sinewy, grizzled night-owl of a man. “That chuckle-head at the camp ought to have reported before now,” he thought to himself, as he smoked. A man came out of the brush aud spoke .deferentially! “Capt’n, good-eveuin’.” .“You’re late.” “Dick was shot.” “Well?” “Just as the driver throwed off the box. Shot by a passenger in the neck and shoulder.” “lie mustn't stay here to get us into trouble. Take a boat and carry him to the Point, and leave him in the cave thffre.” “Yes, capt'n.” “How much was aboard?” “About two thousand dollars for the Josephine miners.” “Send it over the cliff before morning, and I’ll divide it up soon. But you be extra careful; that new sheriff is a smart one.” ‘ AH right, capt’n,” and the man went back to the camp. A moment jatgjy jag*- as -Stoner war going iutfblfiij house, thgre was the slow JjMi&td the a young horse’s sheriff, hoofs, and rode Tom down War¬ the ren, trail, around the corqer of the old abode building, into the main county feist road that, lay to the Weft. He bad at yielded to Tessa's entreaties to “Go, go, this mimite, Tom.” . ~ ■ v . - J^p^^stoMr was, fee fciuut + “Where did you come from, sheriff! Anything op in this pert of the coun 07? ’ - “Oh. no; not a particle. I ve been Visiting my old school in,the mountains, and took the short trail home, down Cayucos.” / This was plausible enough, for there was a blind trail that entered the canon just east of the angle of tbehouse. Stoner felt a little relieved. “Won't ye put up, and stay with us all night?” “No, Mr. Stoner, I must go down to Kestrel to see friend# there. It's only an ,,,, ^ at ®tout fc-Lows „ bought to Stoner. sher use as 1 .s deputies there. . He has probably stumbled on traces, and is going for , lelp. lie sat and smoked, and slipped his hand back under his coat. ’-Easy to stroot the fellow,” he said to himself. M ell, good-bye, Staorr, said II ar ren suddenly; “I ^suppose the beach road is as good as ever?’ - • j erfeet.y safe, only when you cross T 010 Greek, keep on thy sandbar. It s as hard as iron. I erased there to-day.” “Thank you. Aches/’ Simple, smiling speech, those words of Stoners, and yet the? were intended to send Warren to riisrifleath more surely and safely than by bullet of pistol or pel¬ let of secret poison. 4. Stoner took an extra- swig of brandy and went to his rest. Wapen rede down the rugged hill to the,hot tom of the ra¬ vine, then turned seaward, and at last the wide gulch opened broadly to the shore of the Pacific. ; , The cliffs were from fifty to three hun¬ dred feet high, and full oi wave-worn caves. Warren drew iein on the beach, and for fully ten minutes watched the ocean sway and rise, His thoughts throbbed with di earns of Tessa. He would take her away’from her narrow and hurtful surroundings. He would lift her into happier and better circum¬ stances. He would force Stoner’s con sent, marry her, and make her happy. lie rode rapidly south, and in half an hour the mouth of the Toro appeared, in the midst of saud-dunesfbreakera rolling in, and the steady river flowing out. Here was the long sauffbar, tea feet wide, and stretching across hardly an inch higher than the watery surface. " Warren was beginning to have some suspicions of Stouer, but not such as to lead him to doubt the simple directions he had received. The sand-bar looked safe, but within a few days the sea, as Stoner knew, had swept it mightily, torn out the long-compacted bar, aDd placed instead a quivering mass of quicksand, so treacherous that not even a light footed b« ing swallowed up and dragged bodily down. Warren rodeswiftlyforward; he had crossed sandbars hundreds of times. Some horses woufij have been wiser, but the animal he rode had been bred in the valley. The approach to the bar was hard for a few rods as he galloped oa. Suddenly, in one heart breaking, breathless de¬ scent, noiseless but unutterably dread¬ ful, Tom Warren’s horse went down, down; and the soft, slimy sand came up to his mane. He shrieked out that ghastly cry of appeal and agony that a deperate, dying horse will sometimes utter. Tom knew the peril. He had thrown his feet from the stirrups and drawn them up at the first downward throb, but the sand began to grasp him also, Ile threw himself fiat on his breast and tore himself loose from the poor animal, over whose back the mingled sand and water were running, as it rolled from side to side in ineffectual struggles to es¬ cape. Tom spread himself out over as much surface as possible, but slowlv, resistless ly, the mightv force drew him down ward. The hard beach was only ten feet distant, but practically the chasm was impassable. He felt, his horse sink out of sight; the sand gripped his owu knees and arms, his thighs aud shoul¬ ders. Two inches more and the end by suffocation was inevitable. Up to this time he had not shouted: only his horse's wild death scream had told of the tragedy. What was the use? Who would be passing along that lonely road? Then he thought of Tessa, and of life, He raised his voice in a clear, strong shout for help, again and again deep repeated. Far off, along the ravine, came a cry iu response, and a horse’s hurrying feet; and hope awoke in his heart. The margin of life was five minutes now— not longer. Faster, faster, oh, fearless rider. “Tom, where are you?" “Here, Tessa; don’t coma too near." But the mountain girl knew the dan¬ ger. Creeping down-stairs for a drink of water she had heard her father’s words to Warren, had thrown a shawl about her shoulders and run ro the pas¬ ture. Then she caught her pet horse, sprang upon his unsaddled back, seized a riata as she passed the stable, and gal¬ loped at the utmost speed down the ravine, hoping against hope, for many minutes had necessarily elapsed since Warren started. She sprang to the ground and tossed the rawhide rope to the one arm he held above the sand. She folded her shawl and put it over her horse's shoulders, and tied the riata around like a collar. Then she led him slowly away from the quick¬ sands, and Warren thought his arm would break; but slowly, reluctantly, painfully, the saud gave up its prey. “Your father lold me to take this road, Tessa,” said the young sheriff. “Yes, I know that, and I heard one of the men tell him to-day that the bar was swept out.” |silence There vest a long between them. “Tessa, go with ipa t0 San Luis,” said Warreu, “aud let us ba married.” And Tessa’ went. Old Stoner heard the news a few days later. Within' au hour he had “retired front business'.” The eamt> was broken up, the flashed hunters disappeared, intervals all night- mysterious lights at from the points of himself the cliff, disappeared, and the next day old Stoner leaving j hit family, the ranch, and the live stock,- It was said that he male the Lest of way to Mexico, and finally to America. The world is large as yet, j j good men who deal have of it money without can ramble finding over a j they wish to escape from. But I lives in her San Luis, Obispo, J with orange-trees the porch, over and it, she and thinks La j roses on : self the happiest woman in j Belford's Magazine. Poison in Tea. The cablegram from London that 100 persons had been poisoned 1 tea, agd several fatally, furnished a of conversation to many tea drinkers this city. Several of the leading tea | porters were interviewed on the by# Chronicle reporter, “How can a person be poisoned drinking tea?” was the first asked. : : “With absolute 1 tea and clean j teapot,” said / pare a a prominent dealer, : cannot be poisoned. The danger j come from some chemical impurity in the i tea or the pot. The Prussian blue U 3 ed j t0 color dark gTeeu teas is known c’nemi j 1 caliy as cyanide of iron, and taken in sufficient quantities is a deadly poison, ; Most teapots are not made of block tin, but of sheet iron coated with tin. Every housekeeper knows that if strong tea 3tands any length of time the interior of the pot becomes a deep yellow. This is caused by the coloring matter of the tea or tannic acid acting chemically on the iron body of the pot. If the had a quantity of low grade tea colored with Prussian blue, and having the tea and allowed it to stand in such pot, a chemical reaction would take place, in which the Prussian blue, the tannic acid and the iron of the pot would be combined, resulting in the formation of a^ioisonous sort of irou. “Small quantities of this substance would not cause death, but if the were highly colored and of cheap and the infusion had been allowed stand a long time, it would form a tion very sickening and fatal to constitutions. To prevent poisoning tea drinkers have taken to the use of un colored teas, but the fact remains th3t large proportion of low-priced teas sold as uncolored are really as much as ever. With damp teas the lead lining of the chests produces poisonous salts, which are absorbed by the tea. So jurious have these brands of tea some¬ times proved that the Russian and Ger¬ man Governments prohibit the importa¬ tion of teas in lead lined boxes, Many of the most advanced tea dealers are seeking to avoid the use of chests lined with lead. Some of the San Francisco dealers Have Invented tea chests in which lead is not used.” —San Francesco Chron¬ icle. The Terrible Loco Weed. The loco weed oi the Western plains is to vegetation what the rattlesnake is to animal life. The name comes from the Spanish and signifies insanity. It is a dusky green and grows in small bunches or handfuls and scatters itself in a sparse and meague way about the coun¬ try. It is in sort a vegetable nomad and travels about not a little. Localities where it this season flourishes in abun dance ip a ? n °t see any of it next year, nor indeed for a number of years to come. The prime property of the loco is to induce insanity in men or animals who partake of it. Animats—mules, horses, sheep and cattee—avoid it natur ally and under ordinary circumstances never touch it. But in the winter, when an inch or two of snow has covered the grass, these green bunches of loco stand¬ ing clear above the snow are tempting baits to animals who are going abcut half starved at the best. Even then it is not comranQ ^ or them to eat it. Still, some do 3nd u at once creates an appetite in the victim similar in its intense force to the alcohol habit iu mankind. Once started on the downward path of loco a mule will abandon all other forms of food and look for it. Ia a short time its ef feets become perfectly apparent. You will see a locoed mule standing out on the shadowless plains with not a living moving thing in his vicinity. HU head drooping and his eyes half closed. Oa the instant he will kick and thresh out his heels in the most warlike way. Un¬ der the influence of loco he sees himself surrounded by multitudes of threatening ghosts and is repelling them. The mind of the animal is completely gone,. He cannot be driven or worked because of his utter lack of reason. He will go right or left or turn around ia the har¬ ness in spite of bits or whip, or will fait to start or stop, and all in a vacant, idi¬ otic way devoid of malice. The victim becomes as thin physically as mentally, aud after retrograding four or five months at last dies, the most complete wreck on record. Many gruesome tale3 are furnished of cruel Spanish and Mexi¬ can ladies who, in a jealous fit, have lo¬ coed their American admirers through the mediqm of loco tea. Two or three cases in kind are reported iu tho Texas lunatic asylum .—Kansas City Star. Andy Johnsoa's Sententious Reply. Just after Andy Johnson had vacated the Presidential chair the managers of the Simpson County (Ky.) Agricultural .and Mechanical Association decided that it would be a great advertisement to have the old gentleman attend the fair. “lVe don't care for him on Saturday,” said tho manager* “ior oa that day we shall have a pretty big crowd anyhow. Wednesday will be the day. I will write the cx-President.” The following letter was seat to Mr. Johnsoa: “Grbaj Sir—T he people of the'won¬ derful county of Simpsoa feeling a great interest have in one decided of America’s most gifted sous to invite you to be present qj; our fair grounds on Wednes¬ day, the fifth of October, w^iere they wish to shake your hjtnd. Please let me know by return mail.” He let foem know by return mail. The old gentleman turned the letter over and sent the following: “I am no menagerie. “A. Johnson.” — Chicago Herald, BUDGET OF FUN. HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM VARIOUS SOURCES. Cupid at the Auction—Watching Pennies—A Souvenir—Inhuman Treatment—Human Xa t urc. Etc , Etc. CUPID AT THE AUCTION. Prince Sanson—“And now, will you name the day?” Miss Bond—“TVell, let us say the —with three days of grace.”— Weekly. HUMAN NATURE. Mother—“Don't you know that it L naughty to hurt the cat?” Clair—“Yes'm.” Mother—“Then, why do you do it?” Clair—“Duuno; cos it's nanghty, I guess. ’’— Racket. WATCHER} THE PENNIES. Cuthaai & Fitham's New Bookkeeper —“Shall I send this bill around to Mr. Wareham's house, sir?” Fitham—“H’m.' no; there’s no use wasting postage. Wait till he calls for something more.”— Pack. HE FINDS TEEM 700. “Jaysraith is a regular antiquarian. He has been married three times, and each time to a widow.” “How does that show him to be an antiquarian?” “Well, he's a relict-hunter.”— Judge. INHUMAN TREATMEAT. “Ana don’t yon feel terribly the dis grace of being sent to prison?” asked the visitor. “No, ma'am,” returned the ex-tramp. “It ain’t the disgrace o’ bein' sent, but its the work that’s eatin’ my heart away.”— Tori ’ Sun. LIKED HIM, PEEHAPS. “One thing about me,” said the girl, “is that I'm no fault finder. I ways try to take things as they come.” “Hum! Well, that’s somewhat ter. Our last girl used to stop the livery man and take ’em before they here. ”—Washington Post. a comprehensive eeplt. School Teacher-" Johnny, what the word meter mean?” Johnny—“A measure.” School Teacher—“Now, Johnny, Uo they measure with the meter?” Johnny—“Gas, electricity, water and poetry. ”•—Harper s Bazar. a souvenir. . “I wish you’d give ma that dog. Major.” “Why, I thought you didn't like him?” “Neither I do. If you'll give him to me I’ll shoot him and send you a lock of his tail ."—'Harpers Bazar. positive rr.ooF. “I see you have given our finest suit of rooms to a man named Bilkins, Are you sure he can pay the rates?” Clerk—“l'es; he’s immensely rich.” Proprietor—“How do you know?” Clerk—“He is old and ugly, and his wife is youDg and pretty.”—Hem Tori Weekly. wasted sweetness. “You see that girl over there—” she began, when the other answered: “Y’es, she lives opposite us. She’s deaf and dumb, poor thing.” “The idea. And there I sat behind her ia the street car for four blocks and made remarks about that dowdy hat has on, all for nothing.” WHY THEY FELT CUT UP. “If you pleas:, Mr. Cashgoods,” said the young saleswoman, “we have been discussing the matter of salaries. And wc find that the men are getting more money for the same work than us girls. And we think that is hardly just, J do T ’ “I never looked at it in that light be fore ” answered the merch-mt after a little thought. “It shall be remedied once. _ ___ I ll cut i j the i men , s salaries | • down j ”«*—*.»-^«-** CHANGED HIS TUNE. Lawyer—“Madam, I’m sorry tosay that I don't see the ghost of a chance for you to break your uncle's will.” Woman—“Well, to be frank with you, I don't see a ghost of a chance to pay you for what you have already done if the will isn't broken.” Lawyer—“Oa second thought, mad¬ am, I think the will can be broken,” WHAT FAT HAD UNDER HIS COAT. Benevolent but Near-Sighted Employer —“Patrick, what’s w that under your coat? 1 ’ Pat (who is working tho growler)— “I’m sorry to say it is a can, sir.” Employer—“Great Scot, Patrick! Stop work and go straight to the hos¬ pital!”— Munsey’s Weekly. PRACTICE WHAT YOU l-REACH. Merchant—“1 wish to insert an adver tisement in the Morning Bugle." Clerk—“Yes. sir." . “Commenceliinthis \r%yg ‘PayCash,’ and puhJb.ooD words in large letters.” “Yes, sir.” “Aud 1 wish you’d trust for the amount for a month or so.”— Yankee Blade. m associates for policemen, only. “Henry!” cried Mrs, Von Toodles, graspiug “Henry, hei somaolegt Ijnsband by the ana. there are burglars in the house! Get up and go down!” Utter nonsense, my dear,” .^turned Weary.^ social “ position ion wou.dn associating t .have a man of my with burg ' vould S°n? You ajtopisk pie!” Subscription: $1.19 It Unm. A DESPERATE LAST CHAHCB. “If you hypnotize a man, yon can make him do anything you want him to, can’t you?” asked Ethel. “Yes, I believe so.” “I’d like to hypnotize CholUe Hicks, then.” “Why?” “This is my fourth season, and I’m getting anxious.”— Harper’s Bazar, TOO SCRUPULOUS. Teacher —“Somebody has been Throw¬ ing paper behind my back. Mewes, can yon tell me who it was?” Mewes (who was the culprit himself) —“I know who it was, but I hardly like to tell.” j Teacher—“A trifle too scrupulous, I I perhaps, but it shows honorable feeling on your pare. You may sit down.”_ 1 Chicago Tribune. MODERN SCIENCE. “I suppose your son learned a lot at that new-fangled Boston school?” “Oh, yes. Henry stood at the head of all his Classes in the sciences.” “And what is he doing now—rest¬ ing?” “Oh, dear, no. Henry is applying his knowledge in perfecting a circular saw for cutting trousers for bow-legged men.”— Judge. THE TOUCHSTONE of FEMALE BEAUTY. A company of ladies and gentlemen were playing at forfeits when a wag proposed that all the rest should do as he I did. He thereupon took a handkerchief, dipped it in water, and began rubbing | | bis faee. “Now, all of you do the same, j please!” j At this the ladies, in a body, got up ; aad fled from the room .—Paris Figaro, ‘ - ELOQUENT. ■ “Did you know that there is a laa \ guage of perfumery?” -No.” ;: Well, there-is. Heliotrope means ‘1 j love you,’ and white roses means ‘I am ! ’worthy of you. 1 •> j ‘'What doss the absence of perfumery mean—‘I have nothing to say?’ ” j *'N°- It means ‘I haven’t a scent.’” —Turk Herald. A CLEAR CASE. daggers —“What ever became oi Penough s dog? You know it used to j = iv * ““ Wiggler—“Oh! IFadrad.” , „ Jaggers-'-Did you ktii it? > cid jF ter N °' 11 comraitteJ SUI ’ daggers—“Suicide! How?” Wiggler—“It came over into my yard while I was sitting here with a loaded pistol.”— Munsey's Weekly. EXCUSED THIS TIME. Schoolmistress (with ominous look in her eye)—“What made you so late, Robert Reed?” Robert—“Been fightin’.” Schoolmistress (advancing furiously)— “You have, eh?” Robert—“Yes, ma’am. A boy sed yer wuz ugly as home made sin an’ I jest gave it to him.” Schoolmistress—“Well, Bobby, dear, I must pardon you this time, but control your temper the best you can .”—Chicago Heirs. wasted eloquence. “Matilda,” the young man said, nerv¬ ously, “what I am going to say may sur prise you, but my feelings are leading me intoxicated on. Encouraged by your kindness, by your beauty and rendered desperate by the conviction that the ! hours are fleeing away and that the fu i ture can hold nothing for me worse than I th8 bave suspense under which I now labor, I I resolved to risk my fate on the cast of the die.” ' He loosened his collar, coughed, and ' went ahead. " 0t h sr men > Matilda mere , uuttcrflie:i , . of fashl d *nceattend ! on ’ . L j an " e u f. on 1S e “ i not , t0 the “ ! L! * e “ to the TOlce of f - ! ceredevotum! . , Other young men, tal I ented ’ na Y ’ P^ b a “ce, young men pos - | sessed of wealth . abundance, seek m may j [ our 1 am “^ talented, Matilda, I 1 am DOt handsome - ' 1 have not those d eJicate little art8 that the aSection3 of . women. I T am not rich— | i . XT , r „ . a rs feet, “I regret to say, also, that you are not in it 1” Mr. Dennis withdrew front the compe¬ tition at once. He was clearly outclassed. —Pittsburg Dispatch. His Fortune of No Value. Another instance oi the danger which people incur who attempt to be their own bankers has just come to light at Hildes heim, in Germany. A peasant, in the course of a long lifetime spent in hard work, amassed a large sum of money. He died recently, and his grandson dis¬ covered hidden in the bolster of his bed, a thick i oil of crisp bank notes, which on closer examination was found to bw a surface valuation of several thoii.,^}. thalers. The notes bore the w form of the springing horse o dom of Hanover and the States of the German ■ T ‘ roll consisted of “vkscTeWs, at|13.50 and one-thal*’" i ii ginen s E beneatJ||, ,* newspapS^| no g. _ c.a Found a BoV So A log cutter to<^| Coifnty, cM hflHH tree down when iinagin^B He could not midqH be striking in the tflH feet thick. After the b<«B as examination made a founfl) §1000 in gold dust was tie of the tree. It was probal there many years ago by some — Chicago Herald.