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BUDGET OF FUN. HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM VARIOUS SOURCES. Two Men—What Ho Does—Merit of a Kind—Knows Himself Too Well—Keep the Blood Healthy, Etc., Etc. Who is the man that who >ps arouui, And makes the vaulted blue resound; Who seems to have so much at stake That politics meaus make or break? He is—the worry wrecks him fast— The man who has a vote to cast. Who is the man that sweetly smiles And pleasantly his time beguiles; Who And chats simply makes a speech or two is through? aud smokes when he He is the man about whose fate The others shout—the candidate. —Washington Star. WHAT HE DOES. “That fellow never does anything, does he?” “He does time occasionally.”—Yan¬ kee Blade. KNOWS HTM3ELF TOO WELL. “Poor Jimpson has no confidence in himself." “No wonder. He say3 he knows him¬ self.”—Yankee Blade. KEEP THE BLOOD HEALTHY. “What should one do to appear well in society?" “Take a good blood purifier."—Yan¬ kee Blade. AN IRREGULAR VERB. Governess—“What is the future of the verb ‘to love,’ Mary?” Pupil (after a pause)—“To marry, Miss Jones.”—Tid-Bits. NOT Ills BUSINESS GAIT. “Hi, Cbimmey," said a messenger boy to another, “where yer runnin’ to?” “No place. I ain’t got nothing to do jes’ now.”—Washington Star. MERIT QFA KIND. Scribblems—“Which do you think is the best of my short stories?" Criticus—“The shortest, by all means.”—Chicago News Record. THE BILL SHE HAD BEEN RUNNING. Father—“This milliner’s bill is out¬ rageous. I won’t stand it.” Daughter—“You needn’t papa. I simply want you to foot it."—Yankee Blade. A MENTAL FRACTION. “Why does Billings wear his hat on one side of his head?" “To preserve the balance with the side where he has his brains."—Chicago News Record. HAUGHTY MENIALS. “Now, in all the scenery that you re¬ call between here and California, what do you consider the most imposing?” “The Pullman car porter.”—Chicago Xnter-Oceau. WORTH THE PRICE. Patron (in the restaurant)—“This cof¬ fee is nothing but hot water with a fla¬ vor!” Waiter—“But, sir, the water is pure. ” —Chicago News Record. wouldn’t come down. Jake (looking: frightened, hearing a noise above)—“Do you thing your papa will come down?" Cora—“Not with a cent, he says, if I take you.”—Yankee Blade. A CHANGE OF COLOR. “Did you read in the paper,” said the milkman, “about a person that put Paris green in a family’s milk?” “Maybe,” said the cook, “they got tired of seem’ their milk blue.” FAINT PRAISE, Edwin—“Do you think your father approves of me?” j? Angelina—“Oh, yes! He said he [ao Jffiought that perhaps, after all, I might worse."—New York Herald. , _ CHARLIE'S CL'EVER REPLY. Kind Father—“Children, if the clock struct fourteen, what time would it be?” Logical Louise—“Two o’clock, papa.” Clever Charlie—“Time to get the dock fixed."—New York Herald. A NATURAL MISTAKE. At the parlor musicale. “Hark, what was that? Some one must be in pain.” “O, no. That’s Miss Willowisp in a new song.”—Chicago News Record. .TUST BEGINNING. At the campaign meeting. “How much longer is that orator gq in’ to orate?’, “A good while. He’s only got to “in conclusion” yet.—Chicago News Record. HERBERT WAS BARRED OUT. “But, papa," sho said reproachfully, “you know Herbert ha3 an income.” “Not at this house if I can help it,” replied the old gentleman firmly. “All Herbert has here is an out-go.”—Wash ington Star. THE STUMBLING BLOCK. Pater—“Emmeline, there are rumors about. Come, now, is there really any¬ thing between you and that good-for nothing Jack Tallboys?" Emmeline—“Yes, pa; but it’s only you.”—Tid-Bits. nOPED IT RAN IN THE FAMILY. “I hope you appreciate the fact, sir, that in marrying my daughter you mar¬ ry a large-hearted, generous girl.” “I do, sir, (with emotion) aud I hope she inherits those qualities from her father.’’—Brooklyn Life. UNAPPRECIATED. Benevoleut Old Aristocrat (to tramp) —“Here’s a penny for you, my poor fel¬ low." Waggins (the tramp, with profound satire)—“Tank ye, ser. But ain’t you got no change?”—Chicago News Re¬ cord. NO MAKE-UP REQUIRED. Weary Wiggins—“I’ve been insulted." Tired Traddles “Who insulted yer?” Weary Wiggins—“That mud-stained old granger over there offered me twen¬ ty-five cents a day to pose fur a scare¬ crow in his corn patch.”—New York Herald. HOW IIE KNEW. Teacher (in class in physiology)— “How many bone3 in your body Johnny?" Johnny—“About a million.” “What?" “Yes; I eat a shad this rpornin’ "— Yankee Blade. A DARING MISTAKE. Miss Maudie—“Aud so I refused him on the grouud that I am too young to marry.” Chorus of Miss Maudie’s Friends— “Oh, you clever girl! Who else would have thought of that excuse from you." —Chicago Record. A SQUARE MAN. “I never heard of such a strange thing l” said Mrs. Bosstin. “What was it?" inquired the young woman whom she was visiting. “A rectangular human being l A young man just told me that a friend of his was perfectly square.”—Washington Star. THE HEAD OF XHF. FAMILY. Mr. Wooher—“Do you consent, dear¬ est?" Miss Heapeck—“Yes, Charles, I do." Mr. Wooher—“Oh, my darling, I shall go at once to your father.” Miss Henpeck—“I—I think, Charles, you had better see mother.”—New York Press. THE GREAT OBSTACLE. Perdita—“Well, Jack and I are to be married at last, and we are so happy." Penelope—“Did trouble you and Jack have much getting your father’s con¬ sent?" * Perdita—“No j but papa and I had an awful lot of trouble getting Jack’s con¬ HIS NATIVITY. Affable Landlady (to her new artist lodger)—“And I suppose, sir, you comes from abroad?” Foreign Lodger—“Sot I gome vrom Austria.” A. F.—“Do you, hiudeed, sir? From Hostria? Ah! now that’s where the hostriehes come from, I suppose?"— Punch, AN IRRESISTABLE ARGUMENT. Mr. Wickwire—“But, my dear, you are so pretty that I really cannot see how your beauty needs any addition in the shape of such expensive finery as you wish.” Mrs. Wickwire—“No, I am not. If I were as pretty as jou pretend I am, I would not havo to argue so long to get a new drejjs."—Indianapolis Journal. ENTERPRISE. Merchant—“James, you might as well call round to the glazier’s and ask him to come and put in a pane of glass.” James—“Yes, sir." Merclnnt—“And while you are out you might call at tho painter’s and got some large signs painted announcing a large mark-down sale during alterations and repairs. I’ll get up an ad. for tho papers."—Yankee Blade. HE WAS EXTRAVAGANT. Mrs. Bronson—“What, been getting yourself another $8 hat? Charley, you’re too extravagant altogether.” Mr. Bronson (penitently)—“I’m’fraid you're right, Mary. And I won’t do it again. Truly I won’t." Mrs. Bronson (breaking into tear3)— “And you forgot all about that new $35 bonnet I wanted you to bring down."— Chicago News Record. Suppress The Sparrows. If you want to know tho European sparrow get Bulletin No. 1, a 400-page pamphlet issued by the Government ad¬ viser, E. S. Gilbert. One writer thinks there is room in this broad land for the sparrow, and asks why Europe does uot fight them if he is such a nuisance. Be¬ cause they know such fighting is per¬ fectly hopeless, in fact, l suppose it is here. We might as well say we like him, forever and a day. But if we had only known enough to keep us from im¬ porting him! The bulletin, gathering evidence from the whole country, shows that he has developed a tooth for the fruits, vegetables, grains and seeds of every section, from Nova Scotia to California, that he good displaces our native birds, and does no whatever. Only the young in the nest eat insects to amount to anything, and their con¬ stant yelp where numerous is distract¬ ing. Twice only has the sparrow tried to nest on my premises, and as soon as the squealing of the youug showed which swallow’s nest they were in, a stone brought it down, aud then the old oues left for the season. This is the way to keep them in check; if not allowed to to raise young they will not increase very fast. The noise of the nestlings makes it very easy to locate them. This is better than trying to shoot the old oues; gun3 drive away and endanger other birds. If every householder see3 to it that no young sparrows are raised about his place, the question, if uot solved, will be simpli¬ fied.—New York Tribune. London’s Political System. “Nothing of all I saw in Europe," said Mr. II. W. Crawford to the Cin¬ cinnati Tiraes-Star, “impressed me more than the splendid police system of Lon¬ don. The street in front of the Bank of England is crowded as you never see a street crowded here, but the multitude pass without interruption or entangle¬ ment. The police stand in the midst of tho crowd of vehicles aud are supreme in authority. If an officer tolls a cappy to stop, he stops. If he orders him to move on, he moves ou, and tho luckless driver who by accident or design brushes an officer with his wheel finds himself deprived of a license tho following day. In America it would be impossible to establish such a respect for authority, but it is a good thiug in its way. I I have seen more scrapping on the streets of Cincinnati in two days than I saw ii* three mouths iu the European cities.” BETTER THAN PURE OOLQ For love and wealth, fame, peace and health Mankind lias striven 5>inca Eve was driven With Adam from the garden fair To struggle through a world of caret The forces these That ever pleas?. That make for mortal happiness, Who gets the first is not accurst, Though lacking all the rost; And happy he, whoe'er he be Whom with all these the gods shall bless, 1 have no wealth. No love, no health. And yet count me truly oiest. Oh, happy we as we eau be. No more shall bitter strife embrute u% For, after years Of fights and tears, We've got a hired maid to suit us. —Detroit Tribune. FITII AND POINT. The mother tongue is probably th« language of Mars. — Statesman. Generally a slow match—A bashful young man’s courtship.—Drake’s Maga¬ zine. It’s a queer man who wouldn’t rather feel liis oats than his corns,—Phila¬ delphia Times. A prize fight is called a “mill" be¬ cause the other fellow is reduced to pulp. Baltimore American. Tbeie are men who tiro themselves almost to death looking for any easy place.—Ram’s Horn. Love’s labor lost—A second husband going on a time with his wife’s first husband’s insurance money.—Capo Ood Item. The man whose gate is off the hinges can talk by the hour explaining why somebody else doesn't prosper—Ram’s Horn. “lie belongs to the smart set.” ‘I presume so. He’s a fool "—Yankee Blade. Why not make the cact“ 11 flower? It has more 1 any yet mentioned. Ocean. In oue respect the north pole is like a woman’s pocket. Very likely it is there, but no man could ever find it.—Inland Printer. “Why can’t I marry the, duke, papal Ilis titles arc all right.” “Yes, but his deeds are all wrong.”—Philadelphia Record. Orator—“And now, my friends, one word more." Reporter (to boy)—“Bring me a lot more paper, quick."—Boston Bulletin. Tbe office ought to seek the inau, Alas! it pays small hee l to This rather brain-fatiguing plan. It finds it doesn’t need to. —Washington Star. Youug Lady (in candy store)—“1 don't like this candy. It has begun to melt already." Coufectiouer—“Nt wonder, young lady, with those liquid eyes of yours over it." “Six pounds, please."—New York Truth. Visitor—“Is that your little son in the next room whistling “I Want to be a Soldier of the Cross?’ Fond Mother (making for the door)—“Yes, he’s trying to drown out the sound of the key in the pantry lock.”—New York Herald. He (salesman)—“Dear little hand (ab¬ sent-mindedly), 1 wonder if it will wash?" She (conspirito) — “No, sir, it won’t—nor it won’t scrub, either—but if you want it to play tho piano, it’s yours, George.”—Life’s Calendar. Thomas—“Uncle, I would like to boriow a few hundred dollars to keep me going while l complete my iaw studies." Uncle Moneybags—“Dly dear Thomas, you are a modest youug man, and there are Uvo tilings a modest young should never attorn; A —one is to borrow money, uud the other is to study law."—. 1’exas Siftings. The Brute— “Doctor, what is the meaning of the peculiar !orr >tion iust behind a baby's car?" usi. > a fold mother. “Combativeness, perha; s, madam," replied the doctor. “Why, someone said it was lovo of domestic life," said the mother. “Oh, weU, it all one and the same thingf” rejomr tho cynical medical mau.—Drak Magazine,