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14 Tun Tiy the Way THE MARKET. Tumble, tumble, little stocks, As the market feels and rocks; Once folks called to you, “By By”! As your values went sky-high. Bellow, bellow, little bulls, Now you’ve lost your ready pulls; But think twice of your intent Thus to gore the President. Growl, growl, little bears, Keep on throwing lots of scares; Hug delusions in the crash, That the country’s gone to smash. Gambol, gambol, little lambs, Shut your purses tight as clams; Don’t attempt to join the run, You stand by and watch the fun. But ’tis plain the reason why All things seem but rock and wry, Why the markets, reeling, fight; ’Tis because the money’s tight. —Baltimore American. PUNISHMENT TO FIT THE CRIME. When Congressman Small was a young lawyer he was once arguing a case before a country magistrate. “Why,” said Mr. Smail, “the man at the bar, Jones, would just as soon kill me right here before your faces as not.” The old magistrate slowly took out his spectacles, put them on, and peer ed over to get a good look at the des perate Jones. Then he pointed his finger at him, and said, “You, Bill Jones, if you kill John H. Small here before me I’ll fine you one dollar and fifty cents for contempt of court, durn my soul if I don’t!” —R. J. H., in Wo man’s Home Companion for March. GAVE HERSELF AWAY. There is a lady in Richmond who has in her employ a darky servant of a most curious disposition. “Did the postman leave any letters, Lilly?” the mistress asked on one oc casion on returning from a call in the neighboor. “There ain’t nothin’ but a postal card, ma’am,” said Lilly. “Whom is it from?” asked the mis tress craftily. “ ’Deed I don’t know, ma’am,” said Lilly, with an air of entire innocence. “Well, anyone that sends me a mes sage on a postal is either very stupid or impertinent,” suggested the lady of the house. “Excuse me, ma’am,” said Lilly, “but that ain’t no way to talk ’bout yo’ mother!” ESSAYS ON ALCOHOL. Nearly 6,000 children in an English school district recently contributed es says on “Physical Deterioration and Alcohol.” Here are some of the best: “Alcohol is useful, but not in the body. It is useful for polishing furni ture.” “I hope I never touch drink till I am dead.” “A man who takes alcoholic drinks can see two things at once.” “The children of drunkards are oft en weak, and are sometimes troubled with being bow-legged.” “Those who take drink are not so broad-chested as they were 100 years ago.” “When a man is ill the doctor will say, ‘Are you a drinker of alcohol?” And if he says ‘Yes,’ the doctor will say, ‘That is what has made you ill; you have a fatty liver.’ ” “The more temporary we live, the better for body and mind.” ONE THING HE COULDN’T DO. (Chicago Record-Herald.) “Pa, can God do anything he wants to?” “Yes.” “Could He make the ocean dry up?” “Certainly, if He wished to.” “And could He make the mountains move to where the plains are now?” “Yes, my child, He could even do that.” “Could He make all the people who hold office good?” “I haven’t any doubt that He could.” “Could He make us as rich as Rock efeller?” “It would be very easy for Him to do that if He cared to.” “Could He make you the president of the United States?” “Os course He could.” “Could He do anything in the world?” “Yes, anything.” “I bet I know what He couldn’t do.” “No, there isn’t anything that He couldn’t do.” “I guess He couldn’t find a magazine that didn’t have a lot of pictures of actresses or New York society women in it.” —Chicago Record-Herald. NOT A LIVE ONE. (Argonaut.) A well-to-do farmer who had sent his son to Philadelphia to begin life as a clerk, wrote to the merchant in whose employ he was, asking how the boy was getting along and where he slept nights. The merchant replied: “He sleeps in the store in the daytime. I don’t know where he sleeps nights.” BRAIN WEIGHTS. (Louisville Courier-Journal.) Doctors find that the average human soul weighs an ounce. No scales deli cate enough to weigh the brain of a doctor who believes in this sort of tomfoolery have been manufactured. DEFIED CONVENTION. During the session of the legislature one of the senators met a negro one morning who had on a high hat, tan shoes and evening costume. “Say,” observed the senator, “don’t you know that the rules of society don’t allow evening dress before 6 o’clock, and here it is only 11 in the morning?” “Huh,” was the reply of the negro, “they doan’, doan’t they? Well, no body doan’ make no timetables for my clothes.” HAD TO TAKE THE TRIP. A Philadelphia dentist was not long ago in receipt of an extraordinary or der from a man in Altoona desirous of providing himself with a set of teeth to replace those lost by reason of a kick from a mule. “My mouth,” wrote the Altoona man to the dentist, “is three and a quarter inches across, five-eighth inches through the jaw. It is shaped like a horseshoe, toe forward. If you want any more particulars, I’ll have to come to Philadelphia.” CUTTING THE RECORD. “The prisoner was going at the rate of 360 miles an hour,” said the police man. The arrested chauffeur smiled. “Look here,” said the court sharp ly, “you can’t boom any make of auto in this tribunal of justice. I officially knock off 300 miles and fine the pris oner SIOO for the 60.” —Philadelphia Ledger. WATSON’S WEEKLY JEFFERSONIAN. DAVISON & FARGO COTTON FACTORS Augusta, - - Georgia Largest and finest Warehouse in the city. Prompt and careful attention to all business. All letters to advertisers should be carefully addressed. If is important to give the box, street number or department in answering advertise ments. Always state that you saw the advertise ment in The Weekly Jeffersonian. ATLANTA SCHOOL OF TELEGRAPHY Under the management of the long established SOUTHERN SHORT HAND and BUSINESS UNIVERSITY, ATLANTA GA. Received appli cations for five S6O per month operators in one day. Telegraphy, Short hand, Bookkeeping, Typewriting taught. Enter now. Catalog free. A. C. Brisco, Pres. L. W. Arnold, Vice-Pres. Atlanta, Ga. 70 Typewriting machines. F. P. JOHNSON, Manager. THE H. L. McCRARY, ASA C. BROWN, J. J. BROWN, Sup. Pres, and Med. Director. Sup. Sec. and Treas. Sup. Vice-Pres. W. C. PRESSLEY, Sup. Organizer. Home Office, 415-416-417 Fourth National Bank Building. ATLANTA, GA. A Fraternal Beneficiary Association A HOME INSTITUTION ioo Energetic Men Wanted to represent us. If you want Pleasant Employment that pays well,* write to the Home Office for full informa tion.