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4 Paragraphs About Plen and “Pleasures By SAM W. SMALL March seems to be rustling in the la pof April. Harriman seems to be our American “Old Harry”-man. The president is rapidly acquiring a liar’s portrait gallery. The “Roosevelt lemonade” is the one with the Big Stick in it. This is the season to carry an um brella —your own, if possible. The exchange of lemons between Roosevelt and Harriman ended in a sour-mash situation for both of them. If Foraker can keep from under Taft he may survive the coming Ohio cam paign. Nebraska got right down to business and put the harness on the railroads right. That deficiency in moisture is being made up by these April rains—and some more! Harry Thaw is not officially crazy. It seems that Jerome was only offi ciously so. * ‘ A newspaper asks, “Who owns the north pole?” The nearest we can guess is the pole cat. Where Taft is actually needed is between the firing lines of Nicaragua and Honduras. Sixteen to one, again! It takes six teen Porto Ricans to go around Taft for a body guard. Roosevelt is now teaching simple arithmetic, instead of simplified spell ing, to the railroads. Harriman’s doctors say he should take a long rest. But has he left any “rest” to take? Calve is growing fat. But not where it will interfere with the workings of her divine throat. The locks in the Panama Canal are used now principally for raising the appropriations. The king of Siam is coming to this country to meet the President I Am of the American people. The Democratic party may yet have to come south and grow out again into the country at large. An anti-jug law has been passed in Tennessee. But Tennessee is still a good old Bourbon state. Why hasn’t somebody thought to propose Taft as a Fellow of the Rov ing Geographical Society? The match trust has added $300,000 to its surplus profits. The people scratched it up for them. The stock market is still doing bus iness. There is not so much inflation, but just as much robbery. The Jamestown Exposition will have a Warpath. It will be away in which “good Injuns” should not go. WATSON’S WEEKtY JEFFERSONIAN. Emma Eames is trying to fall one Story, but a New York man holds the record by falling ten stories. The Guggenheimers are abusing the Ickleheimers of Wall street, and not in heim-book language, either. Violet is the official mourning color in France. That’s better than the blood-red used mostly in Russia. Taft seems to be a favorite in Pana ma and Cuba, and Foraker is willing so long as he keeps out of Ohio. We are still looking up the pike to greet “the original Fairbanks man.” Will it be Chilly Cholly himself? Tom Ryan is to raise peanuts on his Congo lands. Maybe he needs them to feed the sort of politicians he owns. Harry Thaw is an example of how much more honorable it is to be a man than to be a hereditary millionaire. Roosevelt always know’s where the padded mat is before he jumps. He is a great lover of a “sure thing.” Mrs. Roosevelt did not wear a new Easter bonnet. She don’t have to wait for Easter to have a new one. See your state senator. He is the man who is most likely to defeat the railway fare and freight legislation. The Panama zone is rapidly becom ing the pleasure resort of our states men. Uncle Sam —he gives the picnics. The Brooklyn Eagle thinks Bryan can beat Taft for the presidency. Is the Eagle also joined to the prophets? A California millionaire has married his cook. Yet it is quite common for men to have their wives as their cooks. Senator Daniel is mentioned as a presidential possibility. He is prob ably as nearly a Roosevelt man as there is in the Democratic party. Kaiser William is to send one of his sons to the same American university that turned out that world’s wonder, T. R. If you want to speculate some in copper, keep your eye on Tom Lawson and your bets crossways from his ad vice. The president’s lone mosquito on the isthmus stays put. The visiting con gressmen saw it while down there re cently. A Dakota man married a girl of 20 and his son married her mother. Fig ure it all out for yourself—we’re dizzy! Grover Cleveland, with a fisherman’s knowledge of eels, thinks the people ought to be used by this time to being skinned. The Boston Herald asks, “What has Bryan done?” Well, he outran Parker a couple of times as a presidential candidate. In his fight with Taft we should think Foraker would claim pillow al lowance so he could shape up to his antagonist Shades of Joe Brown and Heart Cockles of Ben Tillman! The Balkan peasants have gone to war with pitch forks! | They have a balloon costume in England. We used to have them in this country when the women wore “filters.” A Michigan man has been asleep for three weeks. The whole American people sleep longer than that very frequently. Boss Rues says he is being persecut ed. He ought to learn better the dif ference in spelling persecution and prosecution. Washington city now demands a temple of art. Why not be content with Teddy’s portrait gallery of nation al liars? A northern settlement of the race problem seems about as distasteful as the northern settlements we so often read about. The farmers of the country make the statesmen —why don’t they try their hand at making the policies of the state, also? Boston is going to erect a public stat ue of "Quiet.” Naturally it should stand in the only quiet place in Bos ton —the cemetery. England collected $95,000,000 from inheritance taxes last year. Which shows that a dead man can’t perjure off his taxes. Depew was never really slated for that Paris job. That’s one case where Teddy failed to act for his own coun try’s good. Somebody suggests that Harriman ought to take the president’s advice. But maybe Teddy stands over it with a Winchester. It is said there are no stuttering women. We know why, of course. When they get to talking they have no time to stutter. It is charged that there is a Bible trust —a combination of publishers who extort monopoly prices for the word of God. The devil is in it! The stenographer who sold Harri man’s letter has been arrested for lar ceny. But how can one thief steal another thief’s confession? A doctor says we get a second growth of hair when we are 100 years old. We’d rather wait for it than take his word for it. An American woman has gone to Africa to study monkeys. Why didn’t she go to Newport, Rhode Island, and save both money and trouble? Maryland will have a centennial ex position in 1914. She is putting it where no President Roosevelt can open it —that’s a safe bet. The Birmingham Age-Herald wants to know when the tariff will be re vised, and the Washington Herald agrees to say when if the Age-Herald will tell it “how long is a string?” Rockefeller’s pastor says there are people willing to lick the blacking from a rich man’s shoes. Show us your tongue, pastor! Ex-Senator Blackburn, as a Roose velt employe now, will probably see how needful it is to continue Roose velt for another term. Rockefeller will not allow liquor, to bacco or dancing in the park he has given to the city of Cleveland. Still it will be handy for campmeeting. An English newspaper wants* to know whether Bliss Carman, the poet, is he or she? Bliss is as much of a he-poet as a Billy is a he-goat. Rockefeller seems to enjoy seeing Harriman getting lambasted. John has evidently read the fable of the fox with the abbreviated caudal appendix! There are 100,000 words in the Okla homa constitution, but there will be millions of words fired off by the rail road orators who will fight its rat ification. Out in Illinois a man offers to serve his town as mayor for a salary of fif ty cents a year. The voters ought to search his sleeve for a sight of what lap of April. John Sharp Williams is one near statesman who ought to be relieved from his job. Whenever he leads the party the Republicans enjoy a butch ers’ holiday. Spokane newspapers object to the closing of the saloons between 2 and 5 o’clock in the morning. Can’t they agree to quit drinking long enough to let the barkeep swab out the joint? The price of telegrams is raised 33 1-3 per cent by recent orders. Here is a chahnce for the legislatures to get busy on cent-a-word intra-state mes sages! A railroad president has ventured to give President Roosevelt some friend ly advice. He took care, though, to do it by mail and from as far off as Chi cago. Pittsburg claims that she can identi fy twenty-eight honest men among her citizens. But she will have to get them certified to by Diogenes to convince us. The Chinese escape paying an inher itance tax by having their money bur ied with them. No wonder the Chi namen worship their ancestors —and dig for ’em occasionally. Mr. Hearst seems to have gotten a hard “throw down” in the Chicago municipal fight. But his spot-light newspapers are still intact and great ly feared. The Farmers’ Union will operate twenty-five warehouses in Mississippi this season. That should make Har vie Jordan and Joe Hoadley jump side ways considerably. That Chicago judge who says the way for women to reform their hus bands is to “give them good dinners” must also Invent a device to make hub by cough up the price in advance.