Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page.

PAGE FOUR W-* ’ Paragraphs About Plen and Pleasures By SAM W . SMALL Divorces are creme-de-la-creme sep arators. “The gambler must go”—to the chain-gang! “Who is a Democrat” Well, Au gust Belmont is not! Bryan’s weight is 234, but his cam paign beam-falls may be 1-2-3. The Jud Harmon boom died away on the Belmont track promptly. The man with the premature straw hat is known by his sneeze. Every new battleship is a fresh ar gument for universal peace. Roosevelt’s mantle would look like an Eton jacket on Bill Taft. The Duma has not yet been fired by the czar, and vice versa. The tombstone market is short of goods. We are willing to wait. Who is able to be Fat-and-go-last on the ticket with Big Bill Taft? Speaking of soul-weighing, what is the ponderosity of Rockefeller’s? Every coward needs to pack around a pistol in order to feel like a man. Binger Hermann was acquitted, but those*government lands are still miss ing. Now is a good time to substitute a Teddy dove for the overworked Teddy hoar. Iceland wants a flag. Why not adopt the Fairbanks campaign ban ner? Chancellor Day is still drooling at the mouth. Is there no cure for his disease? France seems to be going along easily “without the aid or consent” of the Vatican. After all the noise Harriman appears to be doing business as usual at the same old stand. The Democrats are going to fight the next battle for principles—presidency or no presidency. A Woman who thinks every other woman her rival must have a poor opinion of herself. Rudyard Kipling is due to explain how he found out that there were any of Martha?” L. Sullivan is Io marry again. gS|WM)e he wants a new excuse to go HBt-fighting again. Prof. Bell says we will all have wings some day. Some of us will need the asbestos kind. Jn a month from now the country will turn its telescopes on Oyster Bay —for Teddy will be there! • The Mobile Register speaks of “the last appearance of Mr. Graves In a perlons role.” Mr. Graves has his hu morous side, of course, but we are sure be will some time be serious again. WATSON’S WEEKLY JEFFERSONIAN. We are told there are “many Dem ocrats stronger than Mr. Bryan.” Who are they? The Southern Cotton Association ought to button up its side door and not expose its insides. Signor Caruso has returned to his own land and that will bring on more monkey talk in Italy. Mayor McClellan says he made “no deal with Tammany.” Just uncondi tionally surrendered, eh? Carnegie has gone to Skibo, prob ably to escape an invitation to the Bill Corey wedding. The anxiety of the Jordan-Hoadley combine to “warehouse” the Farmers’ Union was too obvious. Hearst doesn’t know whether he is a Democrat. But who can tell him what a Democrat is? The trouble of marrying a rich wo man is that she never wants to "go halves” with her husband. Wood row Wilson is a centralist, and nobody of that mind can be the Dem ocratic candidate in 1908. The charge that Hearst and Harri man have formed a political alliance is a real new joke. John W. Gates is to retire from Wall street. He is one of the bulls stam peded by the Teddy bears. E . An Ohio woman drank a bottle of dandruff cure to ease the pangs of dis appointed love. It eased ’em. The individual tax-dodger is as ras cally as the big grafter of the railroad, or of the other trusts. Cubans are not in favor of a stand ing army. What they want is a roost ing army with a weekly pay day. Ella Wheeler Wilcox says she feels as young as when she was twenty, but we’ll be dogged if she looks it! Boss Cox is preparing to erupt again in Ohio. If Nick Longworth only had a scalp-lock Cox would reach for it, What is needed is that all Repub licans shall get out of the Democrat ic party and shinny on their own side. Hon. Hoke Smith probably looked into the problem of government own ed railroads while he was in Eu rope. Mary Yellin Lease is now a school house lecturer in New York city. So Mary hasn’t quit her kidding talk yet. What’s become of that great reform er, Attorney General Bonaparte? He seems to be enjoying that tired feel ing. The Bailey legislature in Texas kill ed the two-cents passenger fare bill. Baileyism is death to any people’s right. The rascals of both parties in the New York assembly have joined in jobbing the reform measures of Gov ernor Hughes. That Missouri scheme to tax old maids will not work. No woman ever lived long enough to be an old maid. Japan now owns the largest battle ship on the waters. Still her great est safety lies in not being too sassy with it. Carnegie’s voice is for peace, but his steel trust is still hungry for govern ment armor plate contracts at fancy figures. Mrs. Elijah Dowie is keeping a boarding house. That may be more profitable than tagging around after a prophet. Uncle Joe Cannon feels sure of keep ing his tail-holt on the government, even if he fails of a presidential chance. Mexico is the right party to teach the tin-horn republics of Central Amer ica that “war is hell” when properly conducted. Preacher Snively, of Chicago, says the world is pleasure mad. Maybe it looks at his name and can’t help laughing. Our now consul in Switzerland has found the country “very mountain ous.” Where did Elihu Root trap that jay, anyhow? The Chinese are still starving to death by tens of thousands. We ought to send over a fresh cargo of mission aries at once. The scientific statement that “sun shine is helpful” can be supplemented with the declaration that “moonshine” is oh-be-joyful. Dick Grubb says the only way to get the North Pole is to send an At lanta man for it. But Atlanta is not after cold propositions. Charging a grand jury to suppress gambling and then fining the gamblers SIOO is a proceeding that the ungodly call “damphoolishness.” The Georgia general assembly is near at hand. That may explain some of the spring activity of the Georgia Railroad Commission. It must rile Roosevelt to have the third termers making out that he lied when he said he wouldn’t again take the presidency. Wall‘street is slowly realizing that it is not “the whole thing” in these United States. It has simmered down considerably in these latter days. Taft has raised wages on the Pan ama work. Those geezers down there will not vote for president, but their folks up here at home will do so. The Farmers’ Union is a business movement, not a political one. That is why it doesn’t need the aid of Jordan and Joe Hoadley. It looks now as though the inde pendent voter will say who shall be president next time. Platform com mittees should take note of the fact. "" " • Tom Taggart wants to be re-elected chairman of the Democratic National Committee. He is as big an ass, prob abljf as they could get for the job. General Wade wants the canteen re stored to the army. Our recollection of him is that he always favored get ting his licker as cheaply as possible. Corey, the Steel Trust reprobate, is going to marry his chorus girl par amour, all the same. The wonder is how Uncle Andy Carnegie can stand for it. A New York woman was paralyzed while standing at a telephone. Many a man has been “paralyzed” while a woman was at the other end of the wire. Foraker is beginning to realize that he can’t whip the postmasters of Ohio. With the “Reuben routes” against him, he is already down and out! The “Powhattan Guards,” at James town Exposition, probably did not know that Br’er Mitchell and his sala ried son are “the Georgia exhibit” at the show. Joe Choate and Horace Porter are to represent us at The Hague peace con ference. That assures us that the peace dove will stay in the air for some time yet. It is a good thing for Teddy that he is not prince of Montenegro. Those people kick hard when their constitu tion is overridden. We only bellow and stand still. The Ohio Journal asks “Where is the Democratic party?” It is keeping shady to escape being bridled and sad dled again by Cleveland, Belmont and Tom Ryan. Dick Croker says he loves Old Ire land better than any other land on earth. At the same time we would advise Old Ireland to keep her hands in her pockets. Tom Dixon is wrong about the com ing of negroes to Jamestown on the first ships. They came in 1620 on the Dutch ship called “The Jesus.” What do you think of that? Watterson thinks Bryan is not mak ing a noise like a man who wants to be president. Will Marse Henry tell us in what matter Mr. Bryan should be more prudent? The Richmond Times-Dispatch says Democracy means “the least possible interference with the liberty of ac tion.” That’s the doctrine that makes Morgan, Harriman and Tom Ryan such “good Democrats.” The Darien Gazette says “Hoke Smith will be in the United States Senate before he is much older.” But don’t mention it where Alexander Stephens Clay can hear it! Our national immigration commis sion is soon going to Europe. Why can’t they stay there and somewhat offset the balance of “undesirable cit izens” that is now against us? Watterson guesses that the Repub lican ticket will be Hughes and Can non and Dick Hobson reckons the Democratic ticket will be Bryan and Hoke Smith. If they come that way, it should be pie all along the line for Democrats.