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PAGE 8, JULY 28, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dam Barry.
Happy trails to you
By Dave Barry
There's nothing like taking your
family on a camping trip-getting away
from civilization, sleeping under the
open sky, looking up into the heavens
and gazing upon an awe-inspiring vista
of millions and millions of . . . what
ARE those things? Bats? Very large
mosquitoes? Oh NO! They've taken
little Ashley!
So perhaps it's better not to sleep
under the open sky. But you should still
go camping, because it's the best way
to get close to nature, with "nature"
defined as "anything that you would
kill if it got inside your house." Expo
sure to nature is healthy, especially
for children. Kids today spend far too
many hours sitting around indoors,
watching moronic TV shows such as
"the evening news." By stark contrast,
when I was a boy growing up in the
rural town of Armonk, N.Y., in a house
surrounded by rustic woodland, I spent
countless carefree hours roaming free
in my bedroom, learning to make flatu
lence noises with my armpit. But I'm
sure that if I HAD gone outside and
interacted with nature, I would be a
much healthier person today.
That's why I say: So WHAT if North
America has more than 30 species of
rattlesnakes, as well as 60 species of
spiders that inflict what are classified
as "medically important" bites? Let's
start planning your family camping
trip right now, using the "Q" and "A"
format!
Q. What equipment will I need to go
camping?
A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are
measured in units of men, as in "a
three-man tent"; this tells you how
many men are required to erect the
tent if they are all professional tent
engineers equipped with Tent Viagra.
Even then, the tent will collapse under
unusual weather conditions, such as
nightfall. You will also need a hatchet,
for the spiders, and a credit card, for
the motel.
Q. Where should I go camping?
A. The United States has a spectacu
lar national park system with millions
of unspoiled acres, where wildlife is
protected by federal laws. Avoid these
places. You want a commercial facility
with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat
Kountry Kampground," where large
animals cannot fit through the 6-inch
gaps between the Winnebagos.
Q. How much food should I take?
A. A lot. You'll be providing food not
only for your family, but also for the
entire raccoon community. When I was
a boy in rural Armonk, our garbage
cans were regularly terrorized by a
gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I
recall being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud
noises, and looking out the window to
see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-
loving Presbyterian minister, charging
around in the bushes, wildly swinging
a baseball bat and saying non-Presby-
terian words.
Of course, he did not get the rac
coons; you NEVER get the raccoons.
The raccoons were safe in their secret
headquarters, recording my father via
high-resolution night-vision videotape
technology that humans would not
develop for another 25 years. That par
ticular video is still hugely popular on
Raccoon Entertainment TV ("Tonight
we present the classic episode 'Crazed
Minister in Pajamas'").
Ten years later, I was a counselor
at Camp Sharparoon, which meant
that I had to go camping in the woods
with a group of boys and a nutrition
ally balanced food supply consisting of
75,000 small boxes of Kellogg's Frost
ed Flakes. I tried to protect our food
at night via the Boy Scout Handbook
technique of suspending it from a rope
strung between two trees; the raccoons
thought this was hilarious. When dark
ness fell, they got the food down in sec
onds, using lasers.
Q. What if I get lost?
A. If you don't have a compass, stand
very still, and listen very carefully,
until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh."
That is Canada. Whatever you do, don't
go that way.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published July 8, 2001. (C)
2008 The Miami Herald. Dist. by Tribune
Media Services. Dave Barry is a humor
columnist for the Miami Herald. Write
to him do Tropic Magazine, The Miami
Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL
33132) □
Movie Night
at the Casino
Sponsored by the Stt. Simons Library League
Amazing Grace
Wednesday,
July 30
7:00 p.m.
Casino Theater
"Amazing Grace" UK, 2006, directed
by Michael Apted. The great gospel hymn
"Amazing Grace" was written by a British
slave trader in repentance for his sins. This film
of the same name touches on that story and
how it intersects with the career of William
Wilberforce, the passionate British crusader
i whose efforts led to the abolition of the slave
trade in the 19th century. It is a detailed,
affecting biography of one of the great souls
who moved humanity forward. Rated PG.
Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated.
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