Newspaper Page Text
PAGE 8, OCTOBER 6, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dave Barry
You know who
you are
By Dave Barry
out line, and you realize that you for
got an item, you're allowed to go get it,
provided that 1) you apologize to the
people behind you, 2) you know exactly
where the item is and 3) you hurry.
If you forgot TWO items, take your
cart out of line. You are NOT allowed
to leave your cart blocking the line
while you wander the aisles trying to
recall the ingredients for Beef Tongue
Flambeau.
NOTE: Before you serve beef tongue
to innocent people, you should think
about the kinds of things that cows
lick.
5. If you're in the express lane, and
the sign says 10 ITEMS OR LESS,
then you should have no more than .
. . OK, we'll allow 12 items. We're not
Nazis here.
EXCEPTION: Halle Berry can have
as many items as she wants.
6. At a movie theater, you may save
seats for a few people if the theater is
not crowded. If the theater is crowded,
you may save seats only if the people
you're saving them for are on the
premises, defined as "in the building
or the parking lot." If the previews of
coming attractions have started, and
the theater is filling up, and you're still
defending seats for theoretical people
who have not yet arrived, and an actu
al person attempts to sit down, and
you hiss "That's saved," and the per
son "accidentally" trips and spills that
stanky movie-theater nacho cheese all
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OK, here are the rules:
1. If there's a line, you get at the end
of the line, and you wait your turn. 2.
You own ONE place in the line. You do
NOT have the right to invite friends
to join you in the line. This is rude to
the people behind you, who got there
before your friends, and will now have
to wait longer. If you want to be with
your friends, you can join them at
the back of the line. And, no, it's not
enough to ask the person immediately
behind you if it's OK for your friends to
butt in. This person does not speak for
the entire line. Also this person pretty
much has to say yes, but only because
he or she, being less rude than you,
wants to avoid confrontation.
EXCEPTION: You may invite an
immediate family member such as
your spouse or child to join you in the
line. There are no other exceptions.
EXCEPTION: Halle Berry.
3. If you're one of those people who
go directly to the front of the line and
either pretend you don't see the line,
or act as though you some-how KNOW
that your situation is more urgent
than that of anybody else waiting,
and somebody in line objects, and you
make some vague apology but remain
at the front of the line, you will rot in
hell. Also, the cashier will hate you,
although generally he or she will say
nothing, as cashiers don't get paid
enough to argue with jerks.
4. If you're in a supermarket check-
over your hair, and you press assault
charges, and we get selected to serve on
the jury, we're voting for acquittal.
7. Do not talk diming the movie
unless you have something impor
tant to say. (Example: "My water just
broke.") You may talk quietly during
the previews of coming attractions.
EXCEPTION: Halle Berry.
8. At class plays, music recitals,
graduations, etc., you may save a few
seats for your IMMEDIATE FAMILY,
and then only for a reasonable time.
You may not arrive an hour early and
squat at the end of a row, or even two
rows, and save large blocs of seats for
relatives so distant that some of them
are not even vertebrates.
NOTE: This rule applies even if
you have turned the seating area into
an indoor yard sale by marking each
"saved" seat with a personal item such
as a sweater, purse, sock, brassiere,
etc.
EXCEPTION: If we see a seat
marked by dentures, we're sitting
somewhere else.
9. If you're talking on your cell phone
in public, and people keep glancing at
you, it's not because they're impressed
by the fact that you are a busy, pro
ductive person. It's because YOU'RE
TALKING TOO LOUD.
10. (This rule was suggested by
our Research Department, Judi Smith,
who one day will open fire with a
machine gun in a public restroom.) If
you're a woman using a toilet, and,
because you are dainty and fastidious,
you elect not to sit on the seat, but
instead hover over it like a UFO from
the Planet Weewee, and as a result
you spatter the seat, do NOT just leave
your mess, as if no human will ever use
this toilet again. CLEAN UP AFTER
YOURSELF.
EXCEPTION: Sorry, Halle. Judi
says you, too.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published. June 6, 2004.
(C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist. by
Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is
a humor columnist for the Miami Her
ald. Write to him do Tropic Magazine,
The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza,
Miami FL 33132) □
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