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PAGE 8, OCTOBER 13, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dave Barry
Climb every landfill
By Dave Barry
You can imagine my reaction when
I found out that Jamling Tenzing Nor
gay was coming to Miami.
My reaction was: "Who?" Then I
found out that he is the son of Tenzing
Norgay, the legendary Sherpa guide
who was with Edmund Hillary in 1953
when they became the first people
to reach the top of Mt. Everest. In
1996, Jamling followed in his father's
footsteps as the climbing leader of the
team that went to the summit and
filmed the IMAX movie "Everest." He
was coming to Miami to talk about
his excellent book on that expedition,
"Touching My Father's Soul."
In other words, a world-class moun
tain climber-a man who survived one
of the deadliest climbs on Earth-was
coming to my city. Not to brag, but I
am something of a climber myself. On
several occasions, at risk of personal
discomfort, I have bypassed a hotel
elevator and ascended to the mezza
nine level via the stairs.
So I wanted to climb something with
Jamling Tenzing Norgay. Specifically, I
wanted to climb the highest mountain
in Miami-Dade County. I knew this
would not be easy, because there ARE
no mountains in Miami-Dade County.
All of South Florida is basically at sea
level, which is why every time there's
a hurricane, we wind up with ocean
dwelling fish in our family rooms, flop
ping around and moving their mouths
as if to say: "What are YOU doing here,
Lung Breath? This is SEA LEVEL!"
So I decided that, in lieu of a moun
tain, Jamling and I would attempt to
climb the closest approximation we
have: the South Dade Solid Waste Dis
posal Facility. This is a South Florida
landmark, known locally as "Mt. Trash-
more." It's basically a large mound of
garbage covered with dirt.
I proposed this climb to Jamling
through his publisher. He agreed to
do it, partly because he's a brave man
who relishes a challenge, but mainly
because he was on a book tour. When
you've been on a book tom - awhile, you
give up and do whatever anybody asks
you to do.
And so on a Saturday morning, I
met up with Jamling, a quiet and dig
nified man, and together we attempted
to summit Mt. Trashmore. I will not
ruin the suspense by telling you up
front whether we died. Instead, I will
give you a dramatic, minute-by-minute
account:
9 a.m. We set out. Almost immedi
ately, I consider tinning back because
it is terrifying. I'm referring here to
the South Florida traffic, where the
motto is: "GET OUT OF MY WAY!
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M ON MY CELL
PHONE?!"
9:30 a.m. We arrive at Mt. Trash-
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more, where we meet our guides for
the ascent: communications director
Gayle Love, and Bill Thome, whose
title is "chief of landfills." We discuss
the ascent, and agree that if spoken
communication becomes difficult on the
summit, we will use hand signals. For
example, waving your hand would indi
cate "Hi!"
9:38 a.m. Nothing dramatic happens
during this particular minute.
9:40 a.m. We start our ascent. It is,
frankly, easier than I expected. This
is because we are riding up in a Jeep.
I wonder why this technique has not
been used to ascend Everest, but do not
mention it to Jamling, lest he smack
his forehead and say, "NOW you tell
me!"
9:43 a.m. We're almost to the top,
a place where few humans have ever
been, unless you count the several hun
dred people who drive dump trucks up
there daily. We leave the Jeep and walk
to the summit, ascending a slope that
is pitched at about the same angle as a
shuffleboard court. That is the kind of
mountaineering studs we are.
9:45 a.m. The summit! We stand 149
feet above sea level, just 28,879 feet
lower than Mt. Everest itself. It does
not smell nearly as bad as we expected.
I ask Jamling to compare this experi
ence with being atop Everest.
"It's very different," he says.
10 a.m. We begin our descent. On the
way down, Chief of Landfills Thorne
informs us that Mt. Trashmore con-
tains-I am not making this up-human
body parts AND dead whales. I can tell
Jamling is impressed.
10:03 a.m. We reach sea level, tired
but proud. On the way back to the
hotel, we are killed in a car crash.
No, really, we got back fine. It was
a successful expedition, and Jamling
was a great sport. So buy his book, OK?
Because it's there.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published, June 24, 2001.
(C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist. by
Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is
a humor columnist for the Miami Her
ald. Write to him do Tropic Magazine,
The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza,
Miami FL 33132) □
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