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PAGE 8, OCTOBER 20, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dam Bany.
So dumb it's criminal
Our educational system is failing.
Our schools are producing students
who are — to quote from the conclu
sion of an 858-page report recently
issued by a distinguished blue-rib
bon Presidential Task Force on Edu
cational Quality — "stupid."
The drop in our national IQ has
caused many problems, including
Limp Bizkit, feng shui, the U.S.
Department of Education and the
growth of "reality-based" TV shows
("Tonight on 'Passion Farm': Nine
complete strangers churn butter!").
But the most serious problem is that,
as our population gets dumber, it
becomes harder and harder to find
qualified workers. Nowhere is this
disturbing trend more evident than
in the field of crime. Not so long ago,
American criminals ranked among
the best in the world. Foreigners
were terrified to come here because
our criminals were so good at mak
ing our streets unsafe. Today, how
ever, we are producing incompetent
criminals who not only have allowed
the crime rate to drop alarmingly,
but who also, when they DO attempt
to break the law, commit crimes of a
quality that is, frankly, embarrass
ing.
Consider a story from The Capital,
in Annapolis, Md., written by Brian
Schleter and sent in by many alert
readers. According to this article, an
alleged parole violator was about to
be taken into custody in the county
courthouse in Annapolis when he
suddenly ran from the courtroom.
So far, so good; criminals are sup
posed to flee. The suspect, pursued
by sheriffs deputies, ran into the
nearby Maryland Inn, where he hid
in a closet. This is still acceptably
competent criminal behavior.
But then, according to The Capi
tal, the man decided to disguise
himself by "putting on a bunny suit."
I am not making this up. For some
reason, which is not explained in the
Capital article, the closet contained
a full-size bunny suit, with large
pink ears, and the suspect climbed
into it. Maybe he thought this would
fool the deputies.
FIRST DEPUTY: He ran into that
closet!
SECOND DEPUTY (opening clos
et door): Nope! There's nobody in
here but a giant bunny!
FIRST DEPUTY: Darn!
But the deputies were not
deceived, and they apprehended the
suspect after a struggle. The Capital
quotes an inn employee as saying: "It
looked like they were attacking the
Easter Bunny."
As pathetic as that criminal was,
he was Albert Einstein compared
By Dave Barry
with our next example, whose story
is told in an Albuquerque Journal
article written by Jeff Jones and
sent in by several alert readers.
This article states that a man armed
with a knife held up a Taco Bell and
got $2,300. The robber wore a ski
mask to disguise his identity. This
plan would have worked flawlessly,
except that, during the robbery, the
robber made one teensy mistake: He
pulled one of the Taco Bell workers
aside, lifted his mask and said, "It's
me, Tim."
Yes. It turns out that the robber
used to work at this Taco Bell, and
he chose that particular moment to
say hi to a former co-worker. This
meant that the police had a pretty
good clue as to the identity of the
robber — namely, his name — and
thus were able to apprehend him,
which is good, inasmuch as a per
son of his apparent mental caliber
should not be walking around with a
sharp object.
Speaking of weapons, anoth
er excellent example of the mod
ern criminal mind is reported in an
article from the Billings Gazette in
Montana, sent in by alert reader
John Hauxwell, M.D. This article
concerns a man who tried to hold
up a Billings gas station by pointing
his finger at the clerk. According to
a police spokesperson, the would-be
robber "took off running when the
clerk said 'no.'"
What a moron! You'd think our
educational system would at LEAST
have taught this man that, if he's
going to scare people with his finger,
he must demonstrate its menace by
pointing it at the ceiling and going,
"Bang! Bang!"
I could give more examples, but
you get my point: The once-proud
American crime industry has become
a joke. To turn the situation around,
we need better-educated criminals;
to produce them, we must give our
schools more resources, in the form
of money. That's why I want you to
put cash in an envelope and mail it to
me, so I can give it to the schools. I'm
talking about ALL your cash. Do it
RIGHT NOW. Or else. Because this
finger is loaded.
This classic DAVE BARRY col
umn was originally published July
15, 2001.
(C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist.
by Tribune Media Services. Dave
Barry is a humor columnist for the
Miami Herald. Write to him do Trop
ic Magazine, The Miami Herald, One
Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132) □
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