Newspaper Page Text
PAGE 8, NOVEMBER 17, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dam Barry.
Driving while stupid
By Dave Barry
But at least these drivers are able,
from time to time, to glance at the road.
Whereas the guy I saw on 1-95 basi
cally could see only his video.
I hope you agree with me that this
is insane.
I also hope you are not reading this
in your car.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published. September 22,
2002. (C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist.
by Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry
is a humor columnist for the Miami
Herald. Write to him do Tropic Maga
zine, The Miami Herald, One Herald
Plaza, Miami FL 33132) □
So I have to tell you what I saw on
the interstate the other night.
First, though, you must under
stand that this was not just any old
interstate. This was 1-95 in down
town Miami, proud home of the worst
darned drivers in the world. I realize
some of you are saying: "Oh yeah? If
you want to see REALLY bad drivers,
you should come to MY city!"
Listen, I understand that this is
a point of civic honor, and I am sure
that the drivers in your city are all
homicidal morons. But trust me when
I tell you that there is no way they can
compete with the team that Miami
puts on the road.
I know what I'm talking about. I
have driven in every major U.S. city,
including Boston, where the motorists
all drive as though there is an open
drawbridge just ahead, and they need
to gain speed so they can jump across
it.
I have also driven in Italy, where
there is only one traffic law, which is
that no driver may ever be behind any
other driver, the result being that at all
times, all the motorists in the nation,
including those in funeral processions,
are simultaneously trying to pass.
I have ridden in a taxi in the Argen
tinean city of Mar del Plata (literally,
"Cover your eyes"), where (a) nobody
ever drives slower than 65 miles per
hour, including inside parking garag
es, and (b) at night, many motorists
drive with their headlights off, because
- a taxi driver told me this, and he
was absolutely serious -- this extends
the life of your bulbs. (WTien he told
me this, we were in a major traffic
jam caused by an accident involving a
truck and a horse.)
I have also ridden on a bus in China,
plowing through humongous traffic
snarls involving trucks, cars, bicycles,
ox-drawn carts and pedestrians, all
aggressively vying for the same space,
and where the bus driver would some
times physically push pedestrians out
of the way. I don't mean with his
hands. I mean with the BUS.
My point is that I have seen plenty
of insane driving techniques, and I
am telling you for a fact that no place
brings so many of these techniques
together as Miami, where a stop sign
has no more legal significance to most
motorists than a mailbox. The police
down here have given up on enforcing
the traffic laws. If they stop you and
find a human corpse in your trunk,
they'll let you off with a warning if it's
your first one.
So I've seen pretty much everything
on the roads here. Nevertheless, I
was surprised by the driver on the
interstate the other night. I heard him
before I saw him, because his car had
one of those extremely powerful sound
systems, in which the bass notes sound
like nuclear devices being detonated
in rhythm. So I looked in the mirror
and saw a large convertible with the
top down overtaking me at maybe 600
miles per hour. I would have tried to
get out of his path but there was no
way to know what his path was, since
he was weaving back and forth across
five lanes (out of a possible three).
Fortunately, he missed me, and
as he went past, I got a clear view of
why he was driving so erratically: He
was watching a music video. He was
watching it on a video screen that had
been installed where the sun visor
usually goes, RIGHT IN FRONT OF
HIS FACE, blocking his view of the
road.
I don't want sound like an old fud,
but this seems to me to be just a tad
hazardous. I distinctly recall learn
ing in driver's education class that, to
operate a car, you need to be able to
see where the car is going, in case the
need arises (you never know!) to steer.
Of course, more and more, drivers
do not have time for steering, as they
are busy making phone calls, eating,
reading, changing CDs, putting on
makeup, brushing their teeth, etc. I
recently received mail from an alert
reader named Kate Chadwick who
reports that she drove behind a man
who was SHAVING HIS HEAD, with
his "visor mirror positioned just so,
windows wide open for hair disposal,
and for a significant portion of the ride,
no hands on the wheel."
Package Store
Frederica North
3600 Frederica Road
St. Simons Island, GA 31522
We do Beer, Wine & Whiskey
Not Grills, Flowers, Bread or Fruit.
We are Dave, Little Frankie, Jeff,
Jack, Brenda, & Donnie. / Us Out.
"Walk, Thumb or Bum, Just Don't Drive Dumb"
912-638-8610 • fax 912-638-8613 • 19thhole@bellsouth.net
Movie Night
at the Casino
Sponsoj^dtty;the5^Simons Library League
Sweet Land
Friday,
November 21
7 p.m.
Casino Theater
"Sweet Land". USA, 2005,
directed by Ali Selim. Set in 1920,
a mail order bride travels from
Germany to rural Minnesota
to meet the man destined to
be her husband. Bureaucracy
and social morality cause major
complications.
110 minutes; Rated PG.
Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated.
Read Your Local News
Here Each Week
Ylhe hlandn'i A!
Subscribe
NOW!
SI7.00 in Glynn County • SI9.00 out of Glynn County
Call (912) 265-9654 or send your check to:
The Islander Newspaper
P.O. Box 20539
St. Simons Island, GA 31522
Name
kddress
fity
Payment Method: Check #
MasterCard#
State
Zip
Phone
exp.
VISA#
exp.