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PAGE 8, NOVEMBER 24, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dave Barry
Defusing the
Turkey bomb
By Dave Barry
traditional Thanksgiving song that we
vaguely remember from childhood:
Over the river and through the
woods,
To grandmother's house we go!
The horse is reluctant,
And we can relate,
Because grandmother's house has
that weird smell.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published. November 21,
2004.
(C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist. by
Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is
a humor columnist for the Miami Her
ald. Write to him do Tropic Magazine,
The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza,
Miami FL 33132) □
Thanksgiving is that very special
holiday when we take a break from our
hectic everyday lives to spend quality
time with our loved ones, rediscovering
all the reasons we don't actually live
with them.
But Thanksgiving is also a spiri
tual time of quiet reflection, a time
when we pause to remember, as gen
erations have remembered before us,
that an improperly cooked turkey is-in
the words of the U.S. Department of
Agriculture -"a ticking Meat Bomb of
Death." Yes, it is a tragic but statistical
fact that every Thanksgiving, under
cooked turkeys claim the lives of an
estimated 53 billion Americans (source:
Dan Rather). Sometimes the cause is
deadly bacteria; sometimes -- in cases
of extreme undercooking -- the turkey
actually springs up from the carving
platter and pecks the would-be carver
to death.
The only way to be sure you've
killed all the bacteria in your turkey
is to cook it until a meat thermometer
inserted into the breast melts, indicat
ing that the turkey has attained the
same internal temperature as the sun.
"Basically," advises the surgeon gener
al, "you want to be serving your family
a 16-pound charcoal briquette." Even
then you should keep a flamethrower
handy.
Speaking of which: The "hot" new
Thanksgiving culinary trend is to cook
turkeys in big deep-fat fryers, which
are hugely popular because they give
guys an excuse to spend Thanksgiv
ing outside drinking beer and messing
around with a device that could poten
tially destroy an entire neighborhood.
Now that guys have decided to become
seriously involved in Thanksgiving
food preparation, it's only a matter of
time before they come up with a recipe
for mashed potatoes that involves a
grenade launcher.
Of course, not everybody is comfort
able with the idea of eating turkeys,
which are, let's face it, living organ
isms, like dogs or celery. You may
wonder: Is there a more humanitarian
option that you can serve for Thanks
giving dinner?
There certainly is: It's tofu, a semi
foodlike substance secreted by soybeans
as a defense mechanism. Tofu can be
used as a high-protein meat substitute,
as well as a denture adhesive or tile
grout. In its natural state, tofu is taste
less and odorless, but if you form it into
a turkey-shaped lump, season it well,
add gravy and bake it for two hours in
a shallow pan at 350 degrees, you can
also use it for minor driveway repairs.
No Thanksgiving dinner is complete
without pumpkin pie. Here's an easy
recipe for this delicious traditional des
sert:
1. Using a dangerous knife, cut the
top off a large pumpkin.
2. Inside you will find a mess of
stringy, stanky, slimy pumpkin
innards. Scoop these out and discard
them.
3. Now discard the rest of the pump
kin, because the simple truth, obvious
to anyone with half a brain, is that NO
PART of the pumpkin looks, smells
or tastes ANYTHING like so-called
"pumpkin" pie. This is why nobody
actually makes pumpkin pie; every
body buys it at the supermarket. The
question is: What does the supermar
ket put in there? The Food and Drug
Administration is investigating this,
and according to one informed source
(Dan Rather), "They think it's tofu."
But enough about food. Thanksgiv
ing is also a time of giving thanks, as
the Pilgrims did so many centimes ago,
for the fact that the malls are open on
Friday. Otherwise, we'd have to spend
another day cooped up with our loved
ones, not to mention toxic levels of
leftovers.
But in all seriousness, I want to wish
you a happy Thanksgiving. I person
ally am very thankful that I have read
ers like you who have terrific senses of
humor and thus recognize that I am
just "kidding around," especially if you
are in the turkey, deep-fat fryer, tofu
or pumpkin-pie industries. Also, even
though I have "poked some fun" at Mr.
Dan Rather, I sincerely believe he was
a great journalist and is a credit to his
home planet.
In closing, let's have a big group
hug and join together in singing this
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