Newspaper Page Text
PAGE 8, DECEMBER 1, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dam Barry.
Do not read
while sleeping
By Dave Barry
edge, and reduce unfortunate mis
haps.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published, June 30, 2002.
(C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist. by
Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is
a humor columnist for the Miami Her
ald. Write to him do Tropic Magazine,
The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza,
Miami FL 33132) □
The topic of this column is a recent
Washington Post story stating that
manufacturers of appliances, com
puters, cars, etc., want to know why
Americans don't read their owners'
manuals.
WARNING: THIS COLUMN IS
INTENDED FOR READING PUR
POSES ONLY. DO NOT USE THIS
COLUMN AS A TOURNIQUET.
One big reason that consumers
don't read manuals is that the typi
cal manual starts out with 15 to 25
pages of warnings, informing you of
numerous highly unlikely ways in
which you could use the product to
injure or kill yourself.
WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS
COLUMN WHILE WATER-SKIING.
DO NOT SET FIRE TO THIS COL
UMN IN A ROOM FILLED WITH
HYDROGEN.
The typical consumer's reaction
to these warnings is: "What kind of
moron would do THAT?"
The answer to this question is: "A
wealthy moron." Because the reason
these warnings exist is that some
where, some time, some consumer
with the IQ of a radish actually DID
one of these bizarre things, got a
lawyer and sued, and a jury decided,
what the heck, $300 million sounds
about right, but let's not tell the
judge right away because first we
should order a pizza.
So every year there are more huge
product-liability awards, and every
year manufacturers have to put
more warnings in the owners' manu
als, and every year the radish-brains
come up with newer, more-innova
tive ways to injure themselves. There
will come a day when every product
you buy will come with an actual
living lawyer inside the box, sealed
in plastic; as soon as you break the
seal, the lawyer will emerge and
start preparing your product-liabil
ity lawsuit. (This system is feasible
because product-liability lawyers are
spore-based organisms who can sur
vive for years without air.)
Another reason consumers don't
read manuals is that products today
have TOO MANY FEATURES. (I
know, I know, I've complained about
this before. So sue me.) We—and
when I saw "we," I am speaking for
every human being in the world—do
not want a lot of features. In fact, for
most products, we really want only
two features: the "on" feature and
the "off feature.
An example of a feature that we
do not want is "picture in picture."
This feature allows you to watch one
channel on most of your TV screen,
while another channel appears in a
little box in the corner. The sales
man always makes a big deal out of
"picture in picture," and the manual
always devotes pages to how you
use it.
Except you don't use it. I have
never seen any actual human con
sumer use the "picture in picture"
feature, because (a) nobody remem
bers how it works; (b) it's annoying
to have two pictures on the screen;
and (c) it's hard enough to find ONE
thing on TV you want to watch.
The third reason consumers don't
read manuals is that many consum
ers are men, and we men would
no more read a manual than ask
directions, because this would be
an admission that the writer of the
manual has a bigger . . . OK, a bigger
grasp of technology than we do. We
men would rather hook up a DVD
player in such a way that it ignites
the DVDs and shoots them across
the room than admit that the man
ual writer possesses a more manly
technological manhood than we do.
So if manufacturers want us to
read their manuals, they need to
take a few simple, common-sense
steps: (1) Deport all the product-lia
bility lawyers to Iraq; (2) Get rid of
"picture in picture"; (3) Include noth
ing in the manual except simple,
clear, minimal directions, printed
on photographs of tennis star Anna
Kournikova naked. These steps will
greatly improve consumer knowl-
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