Newspaper Page Text
PAGE 8, DECEMBER 8, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dave Barry
Idiot's Guide
to Englesh
By Dave Barry
BlueShield that begins with this cheer
ful and personal salutation: "Dear Cat
astrophic Member."
-- K Houser sent an article on shark
attacks from USA Today, quoting a
shark expert as follows: "To have shark
attacks, you have to have people togeth
er with sharks in the water."
Q. You need BOTH?
A. Yes. To create synergy.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published June 29, 2003.
(C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist. by
Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is
a humor columnist for the Miami Her
ald. Write to him do Tropic Magazine,
The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza,
Miami FL 33132) □
It is time once again for Ask Mister
Language Person, the column that
provides you with the grammar, punc
tuation and vocabulary skills you need
to verbally crush your opponents like
seedless grapes under a hammer.
Today's first language question
comes from author Joyce Carol Oates,
who writes to ask:
Q. At restaurants, I often order the
soup du jour. My question is, what is
"jour"?
A. It is a French word meaning "bat
spleens."
Q. Speaking of restaurants, can you
give an example of pretentious menu
language?
A. Yes. We were dining recently
with Mrs. Language Person at the
Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables, Fla.,
and the menu listed the following item,
which we are not making up: "Chefs
Daily Inspiration of Soup." When the
waiter came around, we asked him:
"What is the Chefs Daily Inspiration
of Soup?" And he answered, quote: "It's
the soup of the day."
Q. I have a question about the cor
rect pronunciation of the word "aunt."
I say it's pronounced "aunt," but my
husband insists that it's "aunt." We
argue about this all the time! Aso
I'm pretty sure he's sleeping with his
secretary.
A. According to the American Asso
ciation of English Professors of English,
the correct pronunciation is "nuclear."
Q. Like many people, I am troubled
by the part of "Humpty Dumpty" that
goes: 'All the king's horses and all
the king's men, couldn't put Humpty
together again." Why does it mention
horses? Does anybody seriously believe
that if a bunch of horses saw a giant
egg broken into pieces, their response
would be: "Hey! Let's try to reassemble
this!"? Aso, in "Cinderella," are we
really supposed to believe that the
prince-this guy who danced with Cin
derella all night and wants to MARRY
her-believes that the only way he can
recognize her is to make her TRY ON
A SHOE? A if a shoe is some kind of
medieval DNA sample? So if Cinderel
la's foot swells up, the prince is going
to say: "Well, you LOOK exactly like
the woman I love, but the shoe never
lies!"
A. You have given this a lot of
thought.
Q. At least once a day, my phone
rings, and I answer it, and the per
son on the other end-the person who
called ME-starts the conversation by
asking: "Who is this?" Is that rude?
A. It most certainly is, because this
person is committing the grammatical
"faux pas" (literally, "bat spleen") of
using a pre-emptive connubial pronorm
in an infricative phrase. The proper
wording is: "Whom is this?" Or, more
formally: "Just exactly whom the heck
is this to whom I am speaking to?"
Q. I would like to use the word "syn
ergy" more often. What does it mean?
A. "Synergy" is one of the key words
used by business professionals to indi
cate that they have no clue as to what
business they are actually in. ("The
Harbingle Organization: A Paradigm
of Synergy")
Q. Is it time now for examples of
actual language usage sent in by alert
readers?
A. Yes.
- Veronica Peterson sent a news
paper ad for a Watertown, N.Y., den
tal clinic offering "Personalized Den
tures."
- Bob Emerick sent an ad for a
fundraising dinner in Tampa, Fla.,
with this headline: "Shaquille O'Neal
Attacks Literacy."
- Ed Lacy reports that he saw a
sign in the men's room of an Office
Depot that said: "EMPLOYEES MUST
WASH YOUR HANDS." (Ed writes: "I
waited 15 minutes for someone to
wash my hands.")
- Susan Tudor sent an article from
the Anderson, Ind., Herald Bulletin,
headlined: "MINORITIES IN SHORT
SUPPLY."
- John Noren sent an informational
document from the Internal Revenue
Service containing this statement: "The
definition of a child living at home is a
child who lives at home."
- Bill Belt sent a letter that his
elderly mother received from BlueCross
Package Store
Frederica North
3600 Frederica Road
• Our Commitment •
Our Commitment to St. Simons is to have the
Best Stocked, Cleanest, Most Informed,
Most Unique Beer, Wine, Whiskey
Shop Anywhere Around, Bar None
"Walk, Thumb or Bum, Just Don't Drive Dumb"
912-638-8610 • fax 912-638-8613 • 19thhole@bellsouth.net
Movie Night
at the Casino
Sponsored byjhe StrSimons Library League
The Girl in
the Cafe
Wednesday,
December 12
7 p.m.
Casino Theater
The Girl in the Cafe." UK, directed by David
Yates. An aging, reserved and lonely civil
I servant (Bill Nighy) falls for an enigmatic
young woman. When he takes her to the G8
Summit in Reykjavik, however, their bond
is tested by his professional obligations. 94
minutes; Rated PG13.
Upcoming Movie Include:
Dec. 17 - Nowhere in Africa
Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated.
I J
Read Your Local News
Here Each Week
*Ike 9uande>i Hew-itia'nen,
Subscribe
NOW!
$17.00 in Glynn County • $19.00 out of Glynn County
Call (912) 265-9654 or send your check to:
The Islander Newspaper
P.O. Box 20539
St. Simons Island, GA 31522
Name _
Address
City
Payment Method: Check #
MasterCard#
State
Zip
Phone
exp.
VISA#
exp.